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1
00:00:03,620 --> 00:00:05,500
Friends. Family.
2
00:00:05,500 --> 00:00:06,540
Ed.
3
00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:09,420
Ante in.
4
00:00:09,420 --> 00:00:10,790
I'm your dad's
half-brother.
5
00:00:10,790 --> 00:00:12,670
That makes me family.
Dork.
6
00:00:12,670 --> 00:00:14,120
Dork says what?
7
00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:15,380
I'm not falling for that.
8
00:00:15,380 --> 00:00:16,670
What?
9
00:00:17,750 --> 00:00:18,790
Damn it.
10
00:00:20,380 --> 00:00:21,750
Hold on.
11
00:00:21,750 --> 00:00:24,250
There's some news
emanatin' from this region.
12
00:00:25,420 --> 00:00:27,080
There are no changes
in my regions.
13
00:00:28,380 --> 00:00:29,750
No, wait, wait.
14
00:00:29,750 --> 00:00:32,040
Free Bird is onto
something here.
15
00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:34,000
Eyebrows.
They're darker.
16
00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:35,040
That's right.
17
00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:36,710
Somebody's got
a big date tonight.
18
00:00:36,710 --> 00:00:38,120
Do the drapes
match the curtains?
19
00:00:40,540 --> 00:00:43,540
Dude, that's not even
a thing.
20
00:00:43,540 --> 00:00:45,580
In the interest of ever
playing a hand of poker,
21
00:00:45,580 --> 00:00:47,620
yes, I am seeing Louise tonight,
22
00:00:47,620 --> 00:00:49,830
and the Men's Health magazine
at my barbershop
23
00:00:49,830 --> 00:00:51,500
told me that
getting rid of the gray
24
00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:53,670
takes years off
the top part of your face.
25
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:56,210
Yeah, that'll work.
26
00:00:56,210 --> 00:00:57,920
As long as you hide
the bottom part with a...
27
00:00:57,920 --> 00:00:59,670
fan, like
an old-timey Southern belle.
28
00:00:59,670 --> 00:01:01,960
I do declare,
you will never see my mouth.
29
00:01:04,830 --> 00:01:08,080
I kindly ask that you do not
appropriate my culture.
30
00:01:12,460 --> 00:01:13,830
So, big date, huh?
31
00:01:13,830 --> 00:01:15,960
Is tonight the night
you're gonna butter the biscuit?
32
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,750
Yes.
It is very likely
33
00:01:19,750 --> 00:01:23,880
that tonight, Louise and I
will butter the biscuit.
34
00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:25,790
And I don't want to hear
any more about it.
35
00:01:25,790 --> 00:01:28,080
Understood.
Okay.
36
00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:29,330
So, you nervous?
37
00:01:30,620 --> 00:01:33,250
I am nervous as hell.
38
00:01:33,250 --> 00:01:35,380
I was with the same woman
for 45 years,
39
00:01:35,380 --> 00:01:37,500
and I never thought I'd be
unlucky enough to lose her.
40
00:01:37,500 --> 00:01:39,210
And I never thought
I'd be lucky enough
41
00:01:39,210 --> 00:01:40,580
to find someone else,
42
00:01:40,580 --> 00:01:42,830
and I-I don't want to
blow it.
43
00:01:42,830 --> 00:01:44,000
Well, then you better
think twice
44
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:45,500
about the Groucho eyebrows
45
00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:47,750
and that CPAP mask
you wear every night.
46
00:01:47,750 --> 00:01:49,500
What's a CPAP mask?
47
00:01:49,500 --> 00:01:51,830
It's a mask attached
by a hose to a pump
48
00:01:51,830 --> 00:01:53,210
that forces air
down my throat
49
00:01:53,210 --> 00:01:55,330
so I don't stop breathing
in the middle of the night.
50
00:01:55,330 --> 00:01:57,040
So you look like Tom Cruise
in "Top Gun"
51
00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,710
if he was an old man
who couldn't breathe on his own.
52
00:02:01,790 --> 00:02:03,790
Who else
has a date tonight?
53
00:02:08,460 --> 00:02:10,880
But you guys helped me
make a decision.
54
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:13,170
I'm not bringing
the CPAP mask over.
55
00:02:13,170 --> 00:02:15,330
Oh. You're rollin' the dice
there, Dan.
56
00:02:15,330 --> 00:02:17,210
Not wearing the mask
could kill ya.
57
00:02:17,210 --> 00:02:19,040
Oh, would you quit it?
58
00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:22,040
He's not gonna die
from not wearing the mask.
59
00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:23,830
He's gonna die
from the sex.
60
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:04,920
"The Conners" is recorded
61
00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:06,710
in front of
a live studio audience.
62
00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,250
Hey. I have been trying
to reach you.
63
00:03:11,250 --> 00:03:12,460
Are you okay?
64
00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:13,830
I'm going to jail.
65
00:03:15,170 --> 00:03:16,290
I'm going to jail,
right?
66
00:03:16,290 --> 00:03:17,790
Absolutely.
67
00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:22,210
What did you do?
68
00:03:22,210 --> 00:03:23,420
Do I need to come
and bail ya out?
69
00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:25,290
No, no. I don't want to
waste the money,
70
00:03:25,290 --> 00:03:26,670
and honestly,
I could use the night off.
71
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,920
I refused to sign the ticket
for texting at a stoplight,
72
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:32,380
and apparently,
there are certain things
73
00:03:32,380 --> 00:03:35,380
you can't say to a cop,
like "You work for me"
74
00:03:35,380 --> 00:03:37,120
or "Maybe if you had
a salad once in a while,
75
00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:38,710
you might've made fireman."
76
00:03:40,460 --> 00:03:42,920
Okay. Well, I can spend
the night here with the kids.
77
00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:44,210
Thank you.
78
00:03:44,210 --> 00:03:46,290
Remember,
lights out at 11:00,
79
00:03:46,290 --> 00:03:48,250
and make sure
all the stove burners
80
00:03:48,250 --> 00:03:49,620
are in the off position
81
00:03:49,620 --> 00:03:52,000
so the gas doesn't kill
everybody in their sleep.
82
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,420
So don't kill the children
or blow up the house.
83
00:03:54,420 --> 00:03:57,170
Got it. Okay, have fun.
Make friends.
84
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,670
Is it okay if Harper
spends the night,
85
00:04:00,670 --> 00:04:02,290
or do I have to wait
to ask Mom
86
00:04:02,290 --> 00:04:04,380
when the police give her
her one phone call?
87
00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:06,380
Ya heard that, huh?
88
00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:07,620
Yeah.
89
00:04:07,620 --> 00:04:08,750
We have a lot to do
90
00:04:08,750 --> 00:04:09,920
to finish our Earth Day
science fair project.
91
00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:11,000
Oh.
92
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,210
It's a solar
hot dog cooker.
93
00:04:13,460 --> 00:04:14,830
It was Mark's idea.
94
00:04:14,830 --> 00:04:17,170
My mom says
global warming is a hoax
95
00:04:17,170 --> 00:04:19,210
because it gets cold
at night.
96
00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:22,500
She's an idiot.
97
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:26,880
And I figured
since hot dogs
98
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:29,000
are our family's
main source of food...
99
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,290
...and we regularly have
the power turned off,
100
00:04:31,290 --> 00:04:32,580
this would be
worth learning.
101
00:04:34,710 --> 00:04:36,500
Okay, well, I-I think
102
00:04:36,500 --> 00:04:38,040
I can make this decision
without your mom.
103
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,290
Harper can stay over,
but where's she gonna sleep?
104
00:04:40,290 --> 00:04:41,710
Uh, my room.
105
00:04:41,710 --> 00:04:44,250
She can use Harris' bed
since she's at Odessa's tonight,
106
00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:46,080
and we probably
won't even sleep anyway,
107
00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:47,330
we have so much work
to do.
108
00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:48,920
Huh. Okay.
109
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:50,330
Uh, but you need to
call your mom
110
00:04:50,330 --> 00:04:51,880
and make sure
it's okay with her.
111
00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:54,120
I already did.
She said it's fine.
112
00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:55,250
Oh.
113
00:04:58,210 --> 00:05:00,170
Uh, hey.
114
00:05:03,580 --> 00:05:05,380
You're still gay,
right?
115
00:05:07,620 --> 00:05:10,080
Yep.
All day, every day.
116
00:05:11,750 --> 00:05:14,670
Good for you.
You stay the course.
117
00:05:50,790 --> 00:05:52,790
W-Where are you going?
118
00:05:52,790 --> 00:05:54,710
You're -- You're not
going home, are you?
119
00:05:54,710 --> 00:05:56,670
Look, I-I really was
gonna go home.
120
00:05:56,670 --> 00:05:58,460
Uh...
121
00:05:58,460 --> 00:06:00,290
If the kids are up
and I'm not there,
122
00:06:00,290 --> 00:06:01,880
they're gonna ask
a million questions.
123
00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:03,580
Hey.
124
00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:05,920
You're the one who wanted
a committed relationship.
125
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:08,210
Not running away
is a part of that,
126
00:06:08,210 --> 00:06:10,750
so come on,
get back in bed.
127
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,330
I wanted a relationship
128
00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:15,960
before I knew how bossy
you were gonna be.
129
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,710
Oh.
130
00:06:52,460 --> 00:06:54,620
What are you doing?
131
00:06:54,620 --> 00:06:55,620
Hunting wabbits.
132
00:06:55,620 --> 00:06:56,880
Be vewy quiet.
133
00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:59,330
Oh.
134
00:06:59,330 --> 00:07:02,670
I think sex
scrambled your brain.
135
00:07:02,670 --> 00:07:04,170
You're acting
really weird.
136
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:07,620
We can talk
in the morning.
137
00:07:07,620 --> 00:07:09,420
I hope so.
138
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:15,580
Hey!
139
00:07:15,580 --> 00:07:17,620
Welcome back
to society.
140
00:07:18,790 --> 00:07:21,120
Things have changed
since they put you away.
141
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:22,920
This is a phone.
142
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:26,000
You can send words through
the air to other phones.
143
00:07:27,830 --> 00:07:30,670
Yeah, and when you went in,
there was only one "NCIS,"
144
00:07:30,670 --> 00:07:33,500
and now there's one in
every city in the land.
145
00:07:35,710 --> 00:07:37,790
Uh, Harris, can you leave
for a moment?
146
00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:39,420
Ben and I need to talk.
147
00:07:39,420 --> 00:07:40,960
Oh.
Oh, I'm not Harris.
148
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,920
I'm Harris' daughter.
149
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,250
Are you Nana Darlene?
150
00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:50,420
Hilarious. Get out.
I need to talk to Ben.
151
00:07:50,420 --> 00:07:52,290
I do not like
what prison has done to you.
152
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,330
Okay, I still
don't understand.
153
00:07:57,330 --> 00:08:00,460
Why would you let Harper
sleep in Mark's room?
154
00:08:00,460 --> 00:08:02,290
Do you know
how embarrassing it was
155
00:08:02,290 --> 00:08:03,710
to get a message
from her mother
156
00:08:03,710 --> 00:08:05,460
saying her daughter
came home with a hickey?
157
00:08:05,460 --> 00:08:06,880
Hey.
158
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:08,920
I asked Mark right
before he went upstairs,
159
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:10,040
"Are you still gay?"
160
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,000
And he said yes.
161
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,790
It doesn't matter
if he's gay.
162
00:08:15,790 --> 00:08:17,880
Kids at that age
are experimenting.
163
00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:19,330
Well, hey,
in my defense,
164
00:08:19,330 --> 00:08:22,380
I took away
their caffeinated soda.
165
00:08:22,380 --> 00:08:24,830
Well, apparently,
Mark was still thirsty,
166
00:08:24,830 --> 00:08:26,880
because he was trying
to get liquid from her neck.
167
00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:29,790
It's just a hickey!
168
00:08:29,790 --> 00:08:31,460
Oh, how do you know?
169
00:08:31,460 --> 00:08:34,170
We have no idea what they did
until we talk to Mark.
170
00:08:34,170 --> 00:08:36,210
Well, maybe we should
wait to talk to Mark, then,
171
00:08:36,210 --> 00:08:38,080
before you jump
all over my ass.
172
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:39,710
Oh, fine.
Fine.
173
00:08:44,330 --> 00:08:47,040
How long 'til Mark
gets home from school?
174
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:48,580
About five hours.
175
00:08:51,170 --> 00:08:54,290
That is...a long time.
176
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,000
Sorry I'm late.
177
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,540
Beverly Rose
wouldn't let me go
178
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,250
when I went to drop her off
at the tías'.
179
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:03,920
I'm not used to
being this adored.
180
00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:06,290
It's exhausting!
181
00:09:06,290 --> 00:09:07,580
Yeah, you went through
a phase
182
00:09:07,580 --> 00:09:09,540
where I couldn't
put you down.
183
00:09:09,540 --> 00:09:11,460
I'd just rub a little
whiskey on your gums.
184
00:09:11,460 --> 00:09:13,000
After some dancing
around in your diaper,
185
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,380
you'd keel right over.
186
00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:18,170
Hey, that's another piece
of my alcoholic puzzle.
187
00:09:19,710 --> 00:09:22,380
Man, the tías are still
on me to marry Emilio
188
00:09:22,380 --> 00:09:24,290
to help him get
back into the country.
189
00:09:24,290 --> 00:09:26,170
Tell me you're not
actually considering this.
190
00:09:26,170 --> 00:09:27,920
I don't know.
191
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,420
He's Beverly Rose's dad,
and he deserves to see her.
192
00:09:30,420 --> 00:09:32,290
The only problem is,
193
00:09:32,290 --> 00:09:33,920
to make it look like
a real marriage,
194
00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:36,880
I'd have to live with him
for a least a couple years.
195
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,620
That's gonna make it awkward
to bring home dates.
196
00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:40,960
She's right.
197
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:44,000
Most guys don't even like it
when you have a cat.
198
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,920
What are you doing?
199
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:47,210
You'd be committing
a federal crime
200
00:09:47,210 --> 00:09:48,710
for a guy
you don't even love.
201
00:09:48,710 --> 00:09:50,920
I don't love him.
202
00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:52,420
But the tías said
203
00:09:52,420 --> 00:09:55,670
lots of people grow to love
the person after they marry.
204
00:09:55,670 --> 00:09:57,830
Well, they don't really
have a dog in this fight,
205
00:09:57,830 --> 00:10:00,250
so I guess they're being
totally objective.
206
00:10:00,250 --> 00:10:01,880
Heeey.
207
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:04,460
You grew to love
Adam Sandler.
208
00:10:04,460 --> 00:10:06,830
When everybody said
after "Billy Madison"
209
00:10:06,830 --> 00:10:09,210
that he was a waste of time,
you hung in there.
210
00:10:10,380 --> 00:10:12,290
And then "Happy Gilmore"
turned you around,
211
00:10:12,290 --> 00:10:14,880
and then "The Waterboy."
212
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,460
Now you gotta watch that
every time it comes on.
213
00:10:17,460 --> 00:10:19,380
Okay, okay, okay.
214
00:10:19,380 --> 00:10:22,040
Let's just say
Emilio does turn out
215
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:25,210
to be as great
as Mr. Adam Sandler.
216
00:10:25,210 --> 00:10:29,040
When you say live with him,
where exactly would that be?
217
00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,380
I'm asking for my friend --
218
00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:32,790
my friend Dan Conner.
219
00:10:35,500 --> 00:10:36,580
Please?
220
00:10:36,580 --> 00:10:37,540
Mm.
221
00:10:37,540 --> 00:10:40,580
What is going on
with you, huh?
222
00:10:40,580 --> 00:10:43,080
I mean, the coffee
isn't even that good.
223
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:44,960
I ran out of filters
this morning.
224
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,880
I had to use
an old T-shirt.
225
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,920
Oh. No? Okay.
226
00:10:50,460 --> 00:10:52,000
I was up all night.
227
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:53,620
I stayed at Louise's,
and I didn't want her
228
00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:55,040
to see me in my CPAP,
229
00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:57,830
so I had to stay awake
or die.
230
00:10:57,830 --> 00:10:59,540
Look, she's already
heard you
231
00:10:59,540 --> 00:11:01,250
trying to get out
of a chair,
232
00:11:01,250 --> 00:11:02,790
and she still wants to
be with you.
233
00:11:02,790 --> 00:11:04,580
Trust her a little bit.
234
00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:06,960
She likes you because
you're funny and you're solid
235
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,880
and you have the --
the -- the wisdom
236
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:10,170
that comes with
experience.
237
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:11,620
Why don't you try
using some of that?
238
00:11:11,620 --> 00:11:13,380
Look, I just think
when she rolls over
239
00:11:13,380 --> 00:11:15,170
and sees me in that rig,
240
00:11:15,170 --> 00:11:17,250
it's gonna be like
waking up next to her dad.
241
00:11:17,250 --> 00:11:18,540
Eh.
242
00:11:18,540 --> 00:11:20,040
Some women like that, Dan.
243
00:11:24,540 --> 00:11:26,250
Oh, love
the turtleneck.
244
00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:27,830
How's that sculpting class
you're teaching
245
00:11:27,830 --> 00:11:29,750
at the community college
going?
246
00:11:31,380 --> 00:11:33,710
I was looking at myself
in the mirror last night,
247
00:11:33,710 --> 00:11:36,960
and I was put off
by my unusually long neck.
248
00:11:40,290 --> 00:11:42,000
Fine.
249
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,920
Oh, God!
250
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:45,920
You got one, too?!
251
00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,250
We had a deal.
You were gay!
252
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,380
It's not what you think.
253
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:56,710
Harper has a new boyfriend
and wanted to practice kissing.
254
00:11:56,710 --> 00:11:57,960
The next thing I knew,
255
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,380
she went all "Twilight"
on my neck,
256
00:11:59,380 --> 00:12:01,460
even though she knows
I'm Team Jacob.
257
00:12:04,580 --> 00:12:07,170
And then she asked me
to give her one.
258
00:12:07,170 --> 00:12:08,750
Well, did anything
else happen?
259
00:12:08,750 --> 00:12:10,170
No!
260
00:12:10,170 --> 00:12:12,290
Okay. Go upstairs.
261
00:12:12,290 --> 00:12:14,580
Oh, and when your
Aunt Becky gets home,
262
00:12:14,580 --> 00:12:16,500
have her teach you
how to cover that thing up.
263
00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:19,120
By the time she was 15,
she was more hickey than Becky.
264
00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:23,920
See?
265
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:26,880
It's just
a practice hickey.
266
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:29,120
No harm, no foul.
267
00:12:30,330 --> 00:12:33,210
Hmm? I think I deserve
an apology.
268
00:12:33,210 --> 00:12:35,790
I don't owe you
an apology at all.
269
00:12:35,790 --> 00:12:37,920
Something much worse
could've happened.
270
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:41,040
But it didn't, so why
are you still pissed off?
271
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:42,750
You know what?
I would just prefer
272
00:12:42,750 --> 00:12:45,540
if you'd run any parenting
decisions by me from now on.
273
00:12:45,540 --> 00:12:48,040
I can usually be reached
when I'm not behind bars.
274
00:12:50,330 --> 00:12:52,880
Uh, you know, we've been
together for a while now,
275
00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:55,460
and at some point,
you are gonna have to trust me
276
00:12:55,460 --> 00:12:58,290
to make some decisions
about the kids.
277
00:12:58,290 --> 00:13:01,670
Ben, the kids love
and respect you,
278
00:13:01,670 --> 00:13:04,120
which proves that you know
nothing about parenting.
279
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:07,290
Have you ever
even told the kids
280
00:13:07,290 --> 00:13:08,920
that they should
listen to me?
281
00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,210
Well, I never thought about it,
because you're not their dad.
282
00:13:11,210 --> 00:13:13,750
Yeah, I know that,
okay?
283
00:13:13,750 --> 00:13:16,170
Thank you for defining
what I am not.
284
00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:17,580
How about defining
what I am?
285
00:13:17,580 --> 00:13:19,920
And why stop with the kids?
What am I to you?
286
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:21,290
W-What are you
talking about?
287
00:13:21,290 --> 00:13:22,710
I mean, we're trying
to have a baby,
288
00:13:22,710 --> 00:13:24,500
but you don't
want to get married,
289
00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:26,120
we don't even
live together.
290
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:27,670
I don't know
what this is.
291
00:13:27,670 --> 00:13:29,710
Wait, hang on.
Hang on.
292
00:13:30,790 --> 00:13:33,080
Calm down.
293
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,120
Is this something
sex would take care of?
294
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:39,710
No!
295
00:13:48,290 --> 00:13:49,670
You've been washing
that dish
296
00:13:49,670 --> 00:13:51,000
for about three minutes.
297
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,000
The Holiday Inn logo's
starting to come off.
298
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:56,540
What's going on?
299
00:13:56,540 --> 00:13:57,710
Um...
300
00:13:57,710 --> 00:13:59,380
Can I ask you
something?
301
00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:00,750
Yeah, sure.
302
00:14:00,750 --> 00:14:04,210
You raised your kids alone.
You know how hard it is.
303
00:14:04,210 --> 00:14:06,580
Is it nuts for me
to marry Emilio
304
00:14:06,580 --> 00:14:08,420
so he can come here
and help me with the baby?
305
00:14:08,420 --> 00:14:10,920
Oh, Ben has been
on my ass lately
306
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,040
to be more involved
with my kids.
307
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:14,500
He loves your baby.
Put him to work.
308
00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:16,330
Maybe he'll stop
driving me crazy.
309
00:14:17,540 --> 00:14:18,880
Me!
310
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,460
We're fixing me,
you narcissist!
311
00:14:22,580 --> 00:14:24,750
If I marry him, I have
to live with him for two years
312
00:14:24,750 --> 00:14:26,040
and give up any chance
313
00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:28,040
of meeting someone
I might really love.
314
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,500
Oh.
I wouldn't do that.
315
00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:32,380
Don't miss your chance
to meet the right person.
316
00:14:32,380 --> 00:14:34,580
It could happen at any time.
I mean, look.
317
00:14:34,580 --> 00:14:36,750
I didn't think I could
fall in love again, and I did.
318
00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:38,790
I just got
all the stuff I left here
319
00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:41,170
from the cardboard box you said
was "better than a drawer."
320
00:14:42,830 --> 00:14:44,000
I'm outta here.
321
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:49,120
What's your secret?
How do I get what you have?
322
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:52,670
I don't get it.
323
00:14:52,670 --> 00:14:54,080
Why are you
pushing him away?
324
00:15:02,540 --> 00:15:05,460
Ben, don't go.
325
00:15:05,460 --> 00:15:07,170
I need a break.
326
00:15:07,170 --> 00:15:08,620
I'm just -- I'm tired
327
00:15:08,620 --> 00:15:11,080
of being in this
weird, amorphous,
328
00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:14,080
undefined,
mid-life relationship.
329
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:17,380
I think you just defined it
really beautifully.
330
00:15:17,380 --> 00:15:19,250
Look, if we're not
moving forward,
331
00:15:19,250 --> 00:15:21,380
then we're just
wasting our time.
332
00:15:21,380 --> 00:15:22,920
So give me
one good reason
333
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:24,000
why you don't want to
live with me.
334
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:25,830
No.
335
00:15:25,830 --> 00:15:27,790
I don't not
want to live with you.
336
00:15:29,210 --> 00:15:30,170
What?
337
00:15:32,710 --> 00:15:35,250
Look, this is just
really hard for me.
338
00:15:35,250 --> 00:15:37,620
I do want to
live with you.
339
00:15:37,620 --> 00:15:40,250
I guess I'm scared.
340
00:15:40,250 --> 00:15:41,920
You know, the last time
my life fell apart,
341
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,290
I came back here.
342
00:15:43,290 --> 00:15:44,540
And now I feel safe,
343
00:15:44,540 --> 00:15:46,380
and you want me to go
back out there again.
344
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:48,170
What,
don't you feel safe with me?
345
00:15:48,170 --> 00:15:49,420
Yeah.
346
00:15:49,420 --> 00:15:51,620
But I'm screwed up,
347
00:15:51,620 --> 00:15:54,460
you know, and...
348
00:15:54,460 --> 00:15:57,080
It's just -- I feel like
if it doesn't work out,
349
00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:59,830
it might be
because of me.
350
00:15:59,830 --> 00:16:01,790
You know,
I can't fail again.
351
00:16:01,790 --> 00:16:03,210
Wait.
352
00:16:03,210 --> 00:16:04,380
I know you're screwed up,
353
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:06,380
and I still want to
live with ya.
354
00:16:06,380 --> 00:16:08,210
That makes me
more screwed up than you.
355
00:16:08,210 --> 00:16:10,120
So...
356
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:12,920
If it fails,
it'll be my fault.
357
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:14,920
This shouldn't make me
feel better, but it does.
358
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:17,790
That's because
you're screwed up!
359
00:16:19,620 --> 00:16:21,420
Okay.
360
00:16:21,420 --> 00:16:22,750
That's it.
I'm taking the leap.
361
00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:24,670
We should live together.
362
00:16:24,670 --> 00:16:27,120
I don't know.
363
00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:33,380
This is all just...
so sudden.
364
00:16:35,290 --> 00:16:36,790
It's gonna take me
a while to pack.
365
00:16:36,790 --> 00:16:39,710
Oh, look!
I'm all ready to go.
366
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:44,960
Hi.
367
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,170
Hey.
368
00:16:47,170 --> 00:16:48,960
Wow.
369
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:50,880
I didn't take you
as a toys kind of guy.
370
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:56,920
Uh, I've done
some crazy things,
371
00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:00,710
but, uh, I don't need that much
horsepower to make me happy.
372
00:17:02,420 --> 00:17:05,380
It's a CPAP machine.
I have sleep apnea.
373
00:17:05,380 --> 00:17:07,960
That's why I was
trying to leave last night.
374
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,500
Oh, I know
what you're thinking.
375
00:17:09,500 --> 00:17:11,540
You can easily
make one of these
376
00:17:11,540 --> 00:17:12,830
with a magazine and a fan,
377
00:17:12,830 --> 00:17:13,960
but you really can't.
378
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:18,330
Why didn't you just
bring it over last night?
379
00:17:18,330 --> 00:17:21,080
Because I didn't want you
looking at me
380
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:25,290
like I was somebody waiting
to get their organs harvested.
381
00:17:25,290 --> 00:17:28,620
Dan, you're being
ridiculous.
382
00:17:28,620 --> 00:17:31,040
No, I'm not.
383
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:32,960
You're perfect.
384
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:35,380
And I got all kinds of
stuff wrong with me.
385
00:17:35,380 --> 00:17:37,170
Well, I'm a little upset
386
00:17:37,170 --> 00:17:38,420
that you didn't
trust me enough
387
00:17:38,420 --> 00:17:41,170
to tell me about
your sleep machine sooner.
388
00:17:41,170 --> 00:17:43,330
If you're gonna
keep things from me,
389
00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:46,170
then we're building our
new relationship on lies.
390
00:17:46,170 --> 00:17:47,710
I got to tell ya,
391
00:17:47,710 --> 00:17:50,040
I feel like
you're catfishing me.
392
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:53,790
Just because
I'm perfect...
393
00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:57,000
...doesn't mean
that you should be insecure
394
00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,290
about your stuff.
395
00:17:59,290 --> 00:18:01,120
I know you're trying
to prove a point,
396
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,250
but I gotta tell ya,
you're still hot.
397
00:18:04,580 --> 00:18:06,540
I'm not near done.
398
00:18:09,540 --> 00:18:12,080
Still sexy now, sailor?
399
00:18:15,460 --> 00:18:17,000
Still hot in my book.
400
00:18:19,620 --> 00:18:23,210
Look, we should not be
ashamed of getting older.
401
00:18:23,210 --> 00:18:25,580
We've earned the right
to fall apart.
402
00:18:25,580 --> 00:18:28,620
And the nice thing is,
we can do it together.
403
00:18:28,620 --> 00:18:31,120
Yeah, funny thing is...
404
00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:32,500
until I look at myself
in the mirror,
405
00:18:32,500 --> 00:18:33,830
I don't feel old.
406
00:18:33,830 --> 00:18:35,880
Hmm. Me neither.
407
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:38,790
And you -- you have
the eyebrows
408
00:18:38,790 --> 00:18:41,120
of a 30-year-old man.
409
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:46,000
I toned it down,
but you still noticed.
410
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,170
I'm told
it makes my eyes pop.
411
00:18:49,170 --> 00:18:51,540
Aww. They do.
412
00:18:57,540 --> 00:18:59,210
It's about time
you got here.
413
00:18:59,210 --> 00:19:01,080
We gotta go to work.
414
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:05,000
Well, well, well.
415
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:07,500
Look who's rollin' in
first thing in the morning
416
00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:10,210
wearing the same clothes
he was wearing yesterday.
417
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:14,790
And the same clothes
I was wearing the day before.
418
00:19:16,170 --> 00:19:19,670
We know what the walk of shame
looks like, Dad.
419
00:19:19,670 --> 00:19:21,210
You got your panties
balled up
420
00:19:21,210 --> 00:19:23,460
in your purse here,
don't you?
421
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:26,120
I bet you got your bra on
inside out.
422
00:19:27,460 --> 00:19:29,000
I just wanted
to be part of it.
423
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:34,500
Uh, you're gonna tell me
about last night, right?
424
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:40,210
What's wrong?
425
00:19:40,210 --> 00:19:42,710
It's from the bank.
426
00:19:42,710 --> 00:19:44,500
They're foreclosing
on the house.
427
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,170
Y-- You're joking,
right?
428
00:19:49,170 --> 00:19:52,000
You know how slow
business has been.
429
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,460
I have medical bills,
430
00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:55,290
I need a new transmission
for the truck,
431
00:19:55,290 --> 00:19:57,790
so I had to take out
a second mortgage.
432
00:19:57,790 --> 00:20:00,040
I-I just can't keep up.
433
00:20:01,460 --> 00:20:02,750
Damn.
434
00:20:02,750 --> 00:20:04,250
I'm sorry, man.
435
00:20:04,250 --> 00:20:05,500
If they think
they're gonna take my house,
436
00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:07,540
they got another
think coming.
437
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:08,290
What are you gonna do?
438
00:20:09,580 --> 00:20:11,210
I don't know.
439
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:12,750
But I should start
by getting me a rifle.
440
00:20:12,750 --> 00:20:14,500
We got the rev'nooers
a-comin'.
441
00:20:21,170 --> 00:20:23,080
Hey there,
Count Suckula.
442
00:20:24,330 --> 00:20:27,170
Uh, okay, so, your mom
and I have been talking
443
00:20:27,170 --> 00:20:29,380
about my role
with you kids,
444
00:20:29,380 --> 00:20:32,170
and, uh, since you're
almost a teenager,
445
00:20:32,170 --> 00:20:36,420
she asked me to
talk to you about, um...
446
00:20:36,420 --> 00:20:38,790
well, the intimate things
that, uh...
447
00:20:38,790 --> 00:20:42,620
happen between two people
who love each other.
448
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,830
So here goes.
449
00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:50,000
You've been to
the zoo, right?
450
00:20:51,670 --> 00:20:55,380
Sometimes, uh,
when you look in the cage...
451
00:20:58,120 --> 00:20:59,250
You can stop.
452
00:20:59,250 --> 00:21:02,080
My mom and I
already had this talk.
453
00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:03,250
She just wanted me
to see
454
00:21:03,250 --> 00:21:04,790
how uncomfortable
I could make you.
455
00:21:04,790 --> 00:21:06,080
Mm-hmm.
456
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:10,670
You did a good job.
457
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:13,580
You really had me
sweating there.
458
00:21:13,580 --> 00:21:15,040
Thanks.
459
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:16,880
So, how are you gonna
get back at her?
460
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:18,460
Oh, no, no.
461
00:21:18,460 --> 00:21:21,670
That's not the way things work
in a mature relationship.
462
00:21:23,380 --> 00:21:26,500
And I'll let you know
when I think of something good.
32800
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