Original subtitles

Friends. Family.

Ed.

Ante in.

I'm your dad's half-brother.

That makes me family. Dork.

Dork says what?

I'm not falling for that.

What?

Damn it.

Hold on.

There's some news emanatin' from this region.

There are no changes in my regions.

No, wait, wait.

Free Bird is onto something here.

Eyebrows. They're darker.

That's right.

Somebody's got a big date tonight.

Do the drapes match the curtains?

Dude, that's not even a thing.

In the interest of ever playing a hand of poker,

yes, I am seeing Louise tonight,

and the Men's Health magazine at my barbershop

told me that getting rid of the gray

takes years off the top part of your face.

Yeah, that'll work.

As long as you hide the bottom part with a...

fan, like an old-timey Southern belle.

I do declare, you will never see my mouth.

I kindly ask that you do not appropriate my culture.

So, big date, huh?

Is tonight the night you're gonna butter the biscuit?

Yes. It is very likely

that tonight, Louise and I will butter the biscuit.

And I don't want to hear any more about it.

Understood. Okay.

So, you nervous?

I am nervous as hell.

I was with the same woman for 45 years,

and I never thought I'd be unlucky enough to lose her.

And I never thought I'd be lucky enough

to find someone else,

and I-I don't want to blow it.

Well, then you better think twice

about the Groucho eyebrows

and that CPAP mask you wear every night.

What's a CPAP mask?

It's a mask attached by a hose to a pump

that forces air down my throat

so I don't stop breathing in the middle of the night.

So you look like Tom Cruise in "Top Gun"

if he was an old man who couldn't breathe on his own.

Who else has a date tonight?

But you guys helped me make a decision.

I'm not bringing the CPAP mask over.

Oh. You're rollin' the dice there, Dan.

Not wearing the mask could kill ya.

Oh, would you quit it?

He's not gonna die from not wearing the mask.

He's gonna die from the sex.

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Hey. I have been trying to reach you.

Are you okay?

I'm going to jail.

I'm going to jail, right?

Absolutely.

What did you do?

Do I need to come and bail ya out?

No, no. I don't want to waste the money,

and honestly, I could use the night off.

I refused to sign the ticket for texting at a stoplight,

and apparently, there are certain things

you can't say to a cop, like "You work for me"

or "Maybe if you had a salad once in a while,

you might've made fireman."

Okay. Well, I can spend the night here with the kids.

Thank you.

Remember, lights out at 11:00,

and make sure all the stove burners

are in the off position

so the gas doesn't kill everybody in their sleep.

So don't kill the children or blow up the house.

Got it. Okay, have fun. Make friends.

Is it okay if Harper spends the night,

or do I have to wait to ask Mom

when the police give her her one phone call?

Ya heard that, huh?

Yeah.

We have a lot to do

to finish our Earth Day science fair project.

Oh.

It's a solar hot dog cooker.

It was Mark's idea.

My mom says global warming is a hoax

because it gets cold at night.

She's an idiot.

And I figured since hot dogs

are our family's main source of food...

...and we regularly have the power turned off,

this would be worth learning.

Okay, well, I-I think

I can make this decision without your mom.

Harper can stay over, but where's she gonna sleep?

Uh, my room.

She can use Harris' bed since she's at Odessa's tonight,

and we probably won't even sleep anyway,

we have so much work to do.

Huh. Okay.

Uh, but you need to call your mom

and make sure it's okay with her.

I already did. She said it's fine.

Oh.

Uh, hey.

You're still gay, right?

Yep. All day, every day.

Good for you. You stay the course.

W-Where are you going?

You're -- You're not going home, are you?

Look, I-I really was gonna go home.

Uh...

If the kids are up and I'm not there,

they're gonna ask a million questions.

Hey.

You're the one who wanted a committed relationship.

Not running away is a part of that,

so come on, get back in bed.

I wanted a relationship

before I knew how bossy you were gonna be.

Oh.

What are you doing?

Hunting wabbits.

Be vewy quiet.

Oh.

I think sex scrambled your brain.

You're acting really weird.

We can talk in the morning.

I hope so.

Hey!

Welcome back to society.

Things have changed since they put you away.

This is a phone.

You can send words through the air to other phones.

Yeah, and when you went in, there was only one "NCIS,"

and now there's one in every city in the land.

Uh, Harris, can you leave for a moment?

Ben and I need to talk.

Oh. Oh, I'm not Harris.

I'm Harris' daughter.

Are you Nana Darlene?

Hilarious. Get out. I need to talk to Ben.

I do not like what prison has done to you.

Okay, I still don't understand.

Why would you let Harper sleep in Mark's room?

Do you know how embarrassing it was

to get a message from her mother

saying her daughter came home with a hickey?

Hey.

I asked Mark right before he went upstairs,

"Are you still gay?"

And he said yes.

It doesn't matter if he's gay.

Kids at that age are experimenting.

Well, hey, in my defense,

I took away their caffeinated soda.

Well, apparently, Mark was still thirsty,

because he was trying to get liquid from her neck.

It's just a hickey!

Oh, how do you know?

We have no idea what they did until we talk to Mark.

Well, maybe we should wait to talk to Mark, then,

before you jump all over my ass.

Oh, fine. Fine.

How long 'til Mark gets home from school?

About five hours.

That is...a long time.

Sorry I'm late.

Beverly Rose wouldn't let me go

when I went to drop her off at the tías'.

I'm not used to being this adored.

It's exhausting!

Yeah, you went through a phase

where I couldn't put you down.

I'd just rub a little whiskey on your gums.

After some dancing around in your diaper,

you'd keel right over.

Hey, that's another piece of my alcoholic puzzle.

Man, the tías are still on me to marry Emilio

to help him get back into the country.

Tell me you're not actually considering this.

I don't know.

He's Beverly Rose's dad, and he deserves to see her.

The only problem is,

to make it look like a real marriage,

I'd have to live with him for a least a couple years.

That's gonna make it awkward to bring home dates.

She's right.

Most guys don't even like it when you have a cat.

What are you doing?

You'd be committing a federal crime

for a guy you don't even love.

I don't love him.

But the tías said

lots of people grow to love the person after they marry.

Well, they don't really have a dog in this fight,

so I guess they're being totally objective.

Heeey.

You grew to love Adam Sandler.

When everybody said after "Billy Madison"

that he was a waste of time, you hung in there.

And then "Happy Gilmore" turned you around,

and then "The Waterboy."

Now you gotta watch that every time it comes on.

Okay, okay, okay.

Let's just say Emilio does turn out

to be as great as Mr. Adam Sandler.

When you say live with him, where exactly would that be?

I'm asking for my friend --

my friend Dan Conner.

Please?

Mm.

What is going on with you, huh?

I mean, the coffee isn't even that good.

I ran out of filters this morning.

I had to use an old T-shirt.

Oh. No? Okay.

I was up all night.

I stayed at Louise's, and I didn't want her

to see me in my CPAP,

so I had to stay awake or die.

Look, she's already heard you

trying to get out of a chair,

and she still wants to be with you.

Trust her a little bit.

She likes you because you're funny and you're solid

and you have the -- the -- the wisdom

that comes with experience.

Why don't you try using some of that?

Look, I just think when she rolls over

and sees me in that rig,

it's gonna be like waking up next to her dad.

Eh.

Some women like that, Dan.

Oh, love the turtleneck.

How's that sculpting class you're teaching

at the community college going?

I was looking at myself in the mirror last night,

and I was put off by my unusually long neck.

Fine.

Oh, God!

You got one, too?!

We had a deal. You were gay!

It's not what you think.

Harper has a new boyfriend and wanted to practice kissing.

The next thing I knew,

she went all "Twilight" on my neck,

even though she knows I'm Team Jacob.

And then she asked me to give her one.

Well, did anything else happen?

No!

Okay. Go upstairs.

Oh, and when your Aunt Becky gets home,

have her teach you how to cover that thing up.

By the time she was 15, she was more hickey than Becky.

See?

It's just a practice hickey.

No harm, no foul.

Hmm? I think I deserve an apology.

I don't owe you an apology at all.

Something much worse could've happened.

But it didn't, so why are you still pissed off?

You know what? I would just prefer

if you'd run any parenting decisions by me from now on.

I can usually be reached when I'm not behind bars.

Uh, you know, we've been together for a while now,

and at some point, you are gonna have to trust me

to make some decisions about the kids.

Ben, the kids love and respect you,

which proves that you know nothing about parenting.

Have you ever even told the kids

that they should listen to me?

Well, I never thought about it, because you're not their dad.

Yeah, I know that, okay?

Thank you for defining what I am not.

How about defining what I am?

And why stop with the kids? What am I to you?

W-What are you talking about?

I mean, we're trying to have a baby,

but you don't want to get married,

we don't even live together.

I don't know what this is.

Wait, hang on. Hang on.

Calm down.

Is this something sex would take care of?

No!

You've been washing that dish

for about three minutes.

The Holiday Inn logo's starting to come off.

What's going on?

Um...

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure.

You raised your kids alone. You know how hard it is.

Is it nuts for me to marry Emilio

so he can come here and help me with the baby?

Oh, Ben has been on my ass lately

to be more involved with my kids.

He loves your baby. Put him to work.

Maybe he'll stop driving me crazy.

Me!

We're fixing me, you narcissist!

If I marry him, I have to live with him for two years

and give up any chance

of meeting someone I might really love.

Oh. I wouldn't do that.

Don't miss your chance to meet the right person.

It could happen at any time. I mean, look.

I didn't think I could fall in love again, and I did.

I just got all the stuff I left here

from the cardboard box you said was "better than a drawer."

I'm outta here.

What's your secret? How do I get what you have?

I don't get it.

Why are you pushing him away?

Ben, don't go.

I need a break.

I'm just -- I'm tired

of being in this weird, amorphous,

undefined, mid-life relationship.

I think you just defined it really beautifully.

Look, if we're not moving forward,

then we're just wasting our time.

So give me one good reason

why you don't want to live with me.

No.

I don't not want to live with you.

What?

Look, this is just really hard for me.

I do want to live with you.

I guess I'm scared.

You know, the last time my life fell apart,

I came back here.

And now I feel safe,

and you want me to go back out there again.

What, don't you feel safe with me?

Yeah.

But I'm screwed up,

you know, and...

It's just -- I feel like if it doesn't work out,

it might be because of me.

You know, I can't fail again.

Wait.

I know you're screwed up,

and I still want to live with ya.

That makes me more screwed up than you.

So...

If it fails, it'll be my fault.

This shouldn't make me feel better, but it does.

That's because you're screwed up!

Okay.

That's it. I'm taking the leap.

We should live together.

I don't know.

This is all just... so sudden.

It's gonna take me a while to pack.

Oh, look! I'm all ready to go.

Hi.

Hey.

Wow.

I didn't take you as a toys kind of guy.

Uh, I've done some crazy things,

but, uh, I don't need that much horsepower to make me happy.

It's a CPAP machine. I have sleep apnea.

That's why I was trying to leave last night.

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

You can easily make one of these

with a magazine and a fan,

but you really can't.

Why didn't you just bring it over last night?

Because I didn't want you looking at me

like I was somebody waiting to get their organs harvested.

Dan, you're being ridiculous.

No, I'm not.

You're perfect.

And I got all kinds of stuff wrong with me.

Well, I'm a little upset

that you didn't trust me enough

to tell me about your sleep machine sooner.

If you're gonna keep things from me,

then we're building our new relationship on lies.

I got to tell ya,

I feel like you're catfishing me.

Just because I'm perfect...

...doesn't mean that you should be insecure

about your stuff.

I know you're trying to prove a point,

but I gotta tell ya, you're still hot.

I'm not near done.

Still sexy now, sailor?

Still hot in my book.

Look, we should not be ashamed of getting older.

We've earned the right to fall apart.

And the nice thing is, we can do it together.

Yeah, funny thing is...

until I look at myself in the mirror,

I don't feel old.

Hmm. Me neither.

And you -- you have the eyebrows

of a 30-year-old man.

I toned it down, but you still noticed.

I'm told it makes my eyes pop.

Aww. They do.

It's about time you got here.

We gotta go to work.

Well, well, well.

Look who's rollin' in first thing in the morning

wearing the same clothes he was wearing yesterday.

And the same clothes I was wearing the day before.

We know what the walk of shame looks like, Dad.

You got your panties balled up

in your purse here, don't you?

I bet you got your bra on inside out.

I just wanted to be part of it.

Uh, you're gonna tell me about last night, right?

What's wrong?

It's from the bank.

They're foreclosing on the house.

Y-- You're joking, right?

You know how slow business has been.

I have medical bills,

I need a new transmission for the truck,

so I had to take out a second mortgage.

I-I just can't keep up.

Damn.

I'm sorry, man.

If they think they're gonna take my house,

they got another think coming.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

But I should start by getting me a rifle.

We got the rev'nooers a-comin'.

Hey there, Count Suckula.

Uh, okay, so, your mom and I have been talking

about my role with you kids,

and, uh, since you're almost a teenager,

she asked me to talk to you about, um...

well, the intimate things that, uh...

happen between two people who love each other.

So here goes.

You've been to the zoo, right?

Sometimes, uh, when you look in the cage...

You can stop.

My mom and I already had this talk.

She just wanted me to see

how uncomfortable I could make you.

Mm-hmm.

You did a good job.

You really had me sweating there.

Thanks.

So, how are you gonna get back at her?

Oh, no, no.

That's not the way things work in a mature relationship.

And I'll let you know when I think of something good.