Original subtitles

Grandpa, when can we close the door?

I'm freezing.

I can't feel my nose,

but I don't know if that's a finger thing

or a nose thing.

First, I gotta fix the leak

so the outlet doesn't short out again.

Once the smoke smell is gone,

we can put the TV back and close the door.

At least it was warm for a second

when the flame shot out of the wall.

You know what? We're all uncomfortable right now.

Suck it up.

Hey, just because you're in a bad mood,

don't take it out on Mark.

He's a sweet, innocent kid...

who does all our laundry.

There's stuff sitting in the dryer, by the way.

I'm sorry, kid. It's not you.

I got some stuff going on.

That's okay.

But is it gonna keep you and Louise from coming

to my a cappella concert?

I can't hang on to these house seats forever.

Uh, Louise isn't gonna make it.

She's not too happy with me right now.

But I'll keep both seats

in case I nod off and fall to the side.

Okay, I found something we can all have for dinner

while we warm our hands on the trash-can fire

I'm gonna start right here in the kitchen.

Three boxes of mac-and-cheese, and they're all open,

and the cheese packets are missing.

We've been the victims of a very odd burglary.

Alright. That's on me.

The nacho chips we bought at the auto-parts store

didn't have enough cheese on them,

so I re-cheesed them with the packets.

Well, we can probably put something else on it.

We got Chinese mustard packets and red chili flakes.

So just throw that on the macaroni

and see who taps out first.

Another way to solve this problem

is by somebody going shopping.

No.

I've got three hours of the New Hampshire primary

I have to watch for school tomorrow,

and I'd like some snacks.

That's great.

I think it's important for kids to learn how politics work.

Yeah, the early primaries are exciting.

That's where you get to see the candidates with integrity

and vision right before the rich ones swoop in

and crush them with their corporate campaign dollars.

Wow, Mom. That's pretty cynical.

I think -- I think people with integrity and vision

can make it all the way to President.

Like George Washington.

He was rich. He didn't want it.

They forced him.

Okay, then Lincoln.

Shot.

Hamilton.

Yeah, he was good, but he wasn't President.

He's just a character in a really cool musical

we'll never be able to afford to see.

Oh, and shot.

You can't stop me from being optimistic about this country.

Everybody has the right to be heard.

Did you know that anyone can just pick up the phone

and call the White House?

No way. If you can't call The Rock,

you can't call the White House.

Watch.

Thank you for calling the White House comment line --

Hey, hey. Are you crazy?

They're gonna trace this back to us

and put us on the no-fly list.

When was the last time any of us flew?

If they ever put us on the no-bus list,

then we'll have a problem.

Oh. W-Why are you scared of the government?

They work for us.

You can even tweet the President and tell him what you want.

I'm not scared.

"Hi, @realDonaldTrump.

Since you work for us,

could you send us some cheese packets for our macaroni?

This is @realmaryconner from Lanford, Illinois,

where Chicago is."

He'll probably answer back.

That guy loves to tweet.

That's how we learn where our military is.

Hey!

Look who's here.

It's good to live on your own,

but you miss your mommy, don't you?

No, gross.

My laptop died.

I wanted to see if it came with a warranty.

Of course it did.

She'll just send it back where she bought it.

She'll mail it to "Guy on off-ramp with old army jacket."

Yeah.

Well, we're gonna have to figure out

how to get me a new one. Are you insane, woman?

We don't even have food.

I'm just take Mark's. Uh, no!

It's mine.

And I'm gonna need it to write my report on the primary.

I'll write it for you.

"The primaries are cool because I'm a dork

and all my best friends are my teachers."

Hey.

Just because your brother's a dork

doesn't mean you can have his computer.

Yeah, and you should be taking this election seriously.

You're finally old enough to vote.

And whoever wins New Hampshire

is the early leader for the nomination.

Oh, no. What happens if the person that I don't care about

gets the nomination over the other person

that I don't care about?

All politicians are the same.

No, they're not.

Yes, some of them are terrible,

but if you do some research, you'll find that

some of them are really, really terrible.

If you vote, you'll be proud

that you helped elect somebody who is just terrible.

And that way, when your politician screws you,

you can say, "That's my guy!" Or gal!

"The Conners" is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Hey, Louise.

Hey, Darlene. What's up?

Well, we were on our way to the grocery store,

but that seemed like a lot of work,

so we came here.

Oh, Becky, I was just gonna call you.

Um, I'm leaving on tour with my band on Wednesday.

I was wondering if there's any way

that you could cover my shift for a week

until my replacement starts.

Sure. How long are you gonna be gone?

At least three months.

Wow.

Dad didn't mention you were going on tour.

He didn't? No.

Yeah. I bet he was upset when he found out you were leaving.

Did he tell you he didn't want you to go?

No, he told me he thought it was a great opportunity

and I should take it.

So I'm taking it.

Dad is an idiot for letting her go.

A woman in this town with that waistline and no meth problem?

You're not gonna find that.

Yeah, I bet he already regrets it.

That's why he's been in such a bad mood.

He's afraid she's gonna meet somebody on the road.

Why would Louise cheat on Dad?

They're dating. Are they, though?

The one time I saw them touch, they were sitting on the couch,

he nodded off and fell to the side.

I can't believe Dad's gonna totally blow it with Louise

and there's nothing we can do about it.

Uh, hell yeah there is.

Dad hasn't dated in like over 45 years.

It's like chipping a Neanderthal out of the ice.

We can't just shave him and throw him on Tinder.

We gotta step in.

Okay, so, what you're saying -- You're gonna get Dad

to tell Louise that he loves her in two days?

He's never even said that to me.

Take a hint and move on.

Look, we all know that Dad opens up when he drinks, right?

So we just fake a little going-away party for Louise,

we get a few shots in him,

and then maybe he'll tell her how he feels

and cement the relationship.

That's a great idea. No, it's not.

No, it's not.

Look, i-it's all I got.

Do you want to be helping Dad off the pot when he's 80?

I'm back to liking it.

Louise, I couldn't help overhearing,

even though my Nana calls eavesdropping the Devil's radio,

but, um, I work with Dan every day,

and no matter what he says,

he's gonna be missing his lady like crazy.

I'm not his lady, Dwight.

And between us,

Dan couldn't commit to having a real relationship,

so I broke up with him.

Louise, I am shook.

But I can understand what a tough nut to crack Dan is.

This one time, he and I had a few beers,

throwing firecrackers at one another.

I made the mistake of opening up.

But it's okay.

I didn't say "I love you" for him.

I said it for me.

Yeah, I feel your pain, Dwight.

I'm just glad I'm going on this tour.

I really don't want to see him right now.

So we get 'em in the same room together

and just let the magic happen.

I think Dad's really gonna thank us for getting involved.

Maybe your dad will.

My dad is a vengeful god who will strike us down

and scatter our bones to the four corners of the Earth.

Hm.

Maybe. But up until then,

it's a party, bitches!

Whoo!

Like Donald Trump, we know...

What's the update on New Hampshire?

They're saying Bernie won it,

but there could be some Russian hacking.

Putin's in second.

Ha!

The Russians are so bad at hacking,

he's only in second.

Seriously, how's Buttigieg doing?

You're only asking me because we're both gay.

No, just thought you were really into...mayors.

Okay, I'm sorry I made the assumption

that Buttigieg was your candidate.

That was pretty unevolved on my part.

Hey. Oh.

You're watching the primary?

How's your boyfriend doing?

Wow, Ben.

Some people don't get it, right?

He's an excellent politician and qualified to be President.

But he's not necessarily my candidate just because he's gay.

Did all black people vote for Obama?

Yeah, pretty much.

About 96%.

Beverly Rose is asleep.

Can I get my babysitting money now?

Here you go.

You get the other half if you're here when I get back.

Fine.

Man: That's a record, Rick Klein. Uh, any idea...

Is the primary almost over?

Yeah, uh, Klobuchar held at 20%.

Her hair is taking credit for the strong showing.

Eh, it doesn't matter.

Bloomberg just bought the entire state

and renamed it New Bloomshire.

Is your boyfriend still in the running?

Oh, my God!

When you don't take this seriously,

you get the government you deserve.

It just so happens that Pete has a lot of interesting ideas

about healthcare and a puggle rescue

that is incredibly cute.

Becky, we better go. We got to get there before your dad.

Aw, man, Warren only got 9% of the vote.

Becky: Oh, that's too bad.

You know she's in the Oklahoma Hall of Fame

along with, uh, Tom Joad, Doonesbury,

and, uh, Foghorn Leghorn.

Ugh.

If we have to watch this stupid thing,

then let me have the laptop.

I got to study for my GED.

Uh, what does GED stand for?

General equivalency degree.

There, you just passed.

Uh, no.

You're not even gonna study.

You're just gonna take an edible

and then surf the web for post-ironic T-shirts.

What the hell?!

You almost broke my laptop, you psycho.

You don't care about my stuff.

You don't care about anything but yourself.

Relax, it's not broken.

You don't live here, so why don't you just leave?

And don't say goodbye this time either.

What?

You're mad that I moved out?

Yeah. You just walked out

and left me here with these crazy people.

Hey, whoa, you don't get to make me feel guilty

just because I'm trying to live my own life.

If you look around at our family, you might not know it,

but people are supposed to move out.

I have no one to talk to now.

I told Grandpa that I had a boy crush,

and we ended up watching "Spartacus"

and eating a bucket of fried chicken.

So you got KFC. What's your problem?

You know what?

I do have a problem,

but it's a waste of time talking to you.

Screw you!

We only have one TV in the house.

You have to leave.

I -- Well, first, I think the loser is certainty.

Oh, hey, Beck.

Thanks for offering to close up. It's pretty dead.

I'm just gonna go home and pack.

Where the hell are D.J. and Dad?

Louise is gonna leave.

I'll stall her.

Wait!

I'm not gonna see you for a while,

and, uh, I just want to let you know what an inspiration

you are to me and all the things you've taught me.

Uh, like putting rice in the salt shakers. Thanks.

All: Surprise!

It's your going-away party.

You told me she already left.

Yes, I did.

Uh, you know, you guys, this is really sweet,

but I have to get home.

Wait, not until we get a good picture of you guys together.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

That way you can have a picture of Dan

that you can take with you on the road.

They change so fast at this age.

Louise, I knew nothing about this.

Aw, hold on a sec. I can't get it off selfie.

Why didn't you tell your family we broke up?

Because if I talk to my family, that just encourages them

to talk back to me.

Aw, Jiminy Christmas, now it's on landscape.

Hold on.

Well, look, I-I don't want to embarrass anybody.

Let's just do this quick,

and you can tell them when I leave.

Okay, I got it. Dan: Alright.

Oh, wow, this is really great.

But, uh, I have to get home.

I'm leaving so early in the morning.

Then why go to bed at all?

Let's do some shots.

To Louise, we're gonna miss you.

All: To Louise!

Mm. To Dan, who's gonna miss Louise.

All: To Dan!

To Louise and Dan, who will miss each other.

All: To Louise and Dan!

Darlene, stop.

Okay, Dad, then you make a toast.

To Louise. I said stop.

I know what you're doing, and I don't want to do this.

Louise, wait.

Let me take you home.

No, I need this to end.

And I really need you to leave me alone.

Sorry, guys.

...why the President hasn't targeted Mayor Pete

really at all besides making fun of his name.

Hey, I checked the primary on my phone.

Did you notice all the candidates

are like a gentrified neighborhood?

All rich, white, or gay.

Aunt Jackie's back.

She'll watch the baby now. You can leave.

Look, I'm not going anywhere.

I want to hear about this problem you've got.

You know, you're just doing this because I made you feel guilty.

That's the only reason anyone does anything good.

Come on, spill the tea.

Remember Austin?

Well, we kind of got together again,

but he ignores me because he -- at --

he ignores me at school because he doesn't want

anyone to know he's gay.

He even makes fun of me sometimes,

and it makes me feel really bad about myself,

but I like him.

Dump his ass.

But it's not all his fault.

His family doesn't accept him for who he is.

That does not give him the right to treat you like crap.

Boy, bye.

But -- But he -- But -- Nope.

You wanted me back in your life, you got me back in your life.

From now on, you're running all of your boyfriends by me.

And if you ever get a boyfriend, you can run him by me.

Hey, I'm a strong, independent woman.

Therefore, I'm alone.

Who's ahead?

Uh, I don't know. The "Bachelor" promos

at the bottom of the screen keep covering it up.

How'd the party go?

Well, it was a going-away party, and she certainly went away.

Nice job.

You threw a party for two people who broke up last week.

You broke up? Why didn't you tell us?

Because it's none of your damn business!

Got it. What happened?

Oh, my God.

You're never gonna stop, are ya?

Louise broke up with me because I wasn't ready to commit.

And now...you've made it worse.

Whoa. Don't blame us.

You have been dragging your feet with her forever.

We were trying to give you a chance to make it right.

I was gonna make it right when I was ready.

I've been having a hell of a time getting over your mom,

so I went to church.

You went to church?

Yes, I went to church.

They were having a rummage sale, so I drifted in.

I was looking for a new radio for the truck,

and I figured...nobody's gonna screw you in a church.

Anyway, the Father was there,

and I told him what was bothering me.

So what'd he say?

Don't laugh.

But he told me to write a letter to your mom

about how guilty I was feeling about Louise,

and then set it on fire so I could let it go and move on.

Did you do it?

No.

I was gonna do it in two weeks for your mom's birthday

and then talk to Louise.

But...it's pointless.

She never wants to see me again.

Oh, come on, Dad.

So you're just gonna give up

and become one of those weird old dudes

that goes to the DMV to be around people?

Just let us help you. We can figure something out.

No, "we" aren't gonna figure anything out.

I'm gonna figure it out in my time, in my way.

Fine. It's all you.

When you say "in my time," are we talking months, years?

Just give us a ballpark.

Go to your room.

We are not children.

You want to pay rent? N-- Go, Becky, go!

Whit, your last thought as we head into Nevada,

as we've run out of time here...

Hello?

Hi, this is Hillary Clinton,

and I'm calling on behalf of the Democratic Party.

Stupid robo call.

No, people have accused me of being a robot

but this is really Hillary Clinton.

It's her!

She must be trying to get people to vote!

Uh, hello? Uh, hang on.

Let me get where there's better reception.

Okay. This is better.

I-I see that you've just turned 18, Harris.

And this is a very important election.

You know, as I gaze upon the Lincoln Memorial

here in our nation's capital,

I think about the role of women in this election,

and how we are stronger together.

Uh, hey, while you're in the nation's capital,

would you mind cleaning the lint trap?

Aw!

Harris, just vote.

Why?

Because some of these people

are trying to help you.

Sanders and Warren want to pay for your college tuition.

Biden wants to decriminalize marijuana.

And Klobuchar wants to offer you affordable housing.

Wow. Well, I do want to go to college,

but after I bomb out from smoking too much weed,

I'm gonna need a spot to crash.

I'll vote for them.

This country is doomed.