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1
00:00:05,250 --> 00:00:07,040
Mold on cheese
is fine, right?
2
00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:10,120
Isn't that
cheese's whole thing?
3
00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:11,540
Hey,
while you're in there,
4
00:00:11,540 --> 00:00:13,960
can you make room
for a 20-pound turkey?
5
00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:15,670
Uh, I don't know.
6
00:00:15,670 --> 00:00:16,790
Let me see.
7
00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:21,080
Done.
8
00:00:22,540 --> 00:00:25,380
What do we need a 20-pound
Thanksgiving turkey for?
9
00:00:25,380 --> 00:00:28,460
Well, I always go with
2 1/2 pounds per person.
10
00:00:28,460 --> 00:00:31,790
So, six meat-eaters --
there's your grandma, Bev --
11
00:00:31,790 --> 00:00:33,540
Going out of town.
12
00:00:33,540 --> 00:00:35,620
Oh, this is truly
a time to be thankful.
13
00:00:37,580 --> 00:00:38,750
What about Jackie?
14
00:00:38,750 --> 00:00:41,000
Mm, not gonna happen.
Or Becky.
15
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:42,670
They're still furious at me
16
00:00:42,670 --> 00:00:44,500
about not letting them rent
The Lunch Box.
17
00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:46,620
Come on, Darlene.
What the hell's going on here?
18
00:00:46,620 --> 00:00:48,620
I thought I asked you
to fix all this.
19
00:00:48,620 --> 00:00:51,540
Hey, D.J., Mary, Mark, Harris --
they're all gonna be there.
20
00:00:51,540 --> 00:00:54,330
Sure, but they're all
boring.
21
00:00:54,330 --> 00:00:55,880
Alright, fine,
what about Odessa?
22
00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:59,330
She's not boring.
She's a thief and a pot head.
23
00:00:59,330 --> 00:01:01,670
Nope. I banned her
from the house.
24
00:01:01,670 --> 00:01:03,250
Oh, please.
25
00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:05,120
Just this one day,
I really cannot take
26
00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:06,960
any more of Harris
moping around here.
27
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:08,380
Sure you can.
28
00:01:08,380 --> 00:01:10,380
The whole family spent
the last 40 years
29
00:01:10,380 --> 00:01:11,580
putting up
with your moping.
30
00:01:13,540 --> 00:01:14,960
You know, I always thought
if we had money,
31
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:17,210
you'd be
clinically depressed.
32
00:01:17,210 --> 00:01:20,120
Oh, God,
that would've been sweet!
33
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:24,170
Come on.
Let Odessa come.
34
00:01:24,170 --> 00:01:25,580
You know,
between the turkey and the weed,
35
00:01:25,580 --> 00:01:27,210
she's gonna be the first one
to pass out.
36
00:01:27,210 --> 00:01:30,290
Then we can draw on her face
with a Sharpie.
37
00:01:30,290 --> 00:01:31,460
I do like that.
38
00:01:31,460 --> 00:01:32,920
Then we are done here.
39
00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:35,210
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
40
00:01:35,210 --> 00:01:38,460
No, we are not done talking
about Jackie and Becky.
41
00:01:38,460 --> 00:01:40,380
Did you even try
to patch things up with them?
42
00:01:40,380 --> 00:01:42,710
Yes. I sent them
a really nice text.
43
00:01:42,710 --> 00:01:44,080
Let's hear it.
44
00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:45,080
Oh, sure.
45
00:01:46,750 --> 00:01:48,250
Um...
46
00:01:48,250 --> 00:01:49,330
"Hey, Jackie.
47
00:01:49,330 --> 00:01:52,420
I hate what this is doing
to our family.
48
00:01:52,420 --> 00:01:54,380
I love you and Becky
very much,
49
00:01:54,380 --> 00:01:56,670
despite your extreme
lack of awareness
50
00:01:56,670 --> 00:01:59,210
that your stupid idea could keep
this family in dire poverty
51
00:01:59,210 --> 00:02:02,000
for another 100 years.
52
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,670
Sometimes,
dreams are nightmares.
53
00:02:03,670 --> 00:02:05,000
Please come
to Thanksgiving."
54
00:02:07,670 --> 00:02:09,420
See?
Doesn't matter what I say.
55
00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:11,920
Come on. You knew
that wasn't gonna work.
56
00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:14,170
Fine, but I have a right
to be mad, too.
57
00:02:14,170 --> 00:02:16,330
Just because Grandma Bev
gave me power of attorney,
58
00:02:16,330 --> 00:02:18,250
they're turning me
into some kind of villain.
59
00:02:18,250 --> 00:02:20,170
Look, all we have to do
is get everybody
60
00:02:20,170 --> 00:02:22,330
in the same room
together.
61
00:02:22,330 --> 00:02:23,960
We'll have
a couple of beers,
62
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:25,960
we'll watch "Planes, Trains
and Automobiles."
63
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:28,830
By the time John Candy says
"Those aren't pillows,"
64
00:02:28,830 --> 00:02:30,210
we'll be
a whole family again.
65
00:02:32,210 --> 00:02:34,040
That is
an awful lot of pressure
66
00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:37,000
to put on
a 30-year-old VHS tape.
67
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,250
Well, until something better
comes along,
68
00:02:39,250 --> 00:02:41,210
we'll just have to be thankful
for what we have.
69
00:02:46,170 --> 00:02:47,620
Like our toaster brick.
70
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:31,620
"The Conners" is recorded
71
00:03:31,620 --> 00:03:33,670
in front of
a live studio audience.
72
00:03:33,670 --> 00:03:36,620
Hey, guys!
What are you doing here?
73
00:03:36,620 --> 00:03:39,580
We decided to come see the baby
on our way home from school.
74
00:03:39,580 --> 00:03:41,380
Isn't this pretty far
out of your way?
75
00:03:41,380 --> 00:03:43,420
Yeah, but I was
gonna take a picture
76
00:03:43,420 --> 00:03:45,420
of Beverly Rose
for Grandpa
77
00:03:45,420 --> 00:03:47,710
'cause he was saying
how sad it would be
78
00:03:47,710 --> 00:03:51,250
if he died and never had
a Thanksgiving with her.
79
00:03:51,250 --> 00:03:53,080
At least this way,
he can look at her picture.
80
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,000
Ohh. That would be sad.
81
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:56,250
Wouldn't it, Becky?
82
00:03:56,250 --> 00:03:57,710
It would be, Jackie.
83
00:03:57,710 --> 00:03:59,290
So sad!
84
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:04,790
Unbelievable,
using the kids to guilt us.
85
00:04:04,790 --> 00:04:07,120
Okay, so, what's the next thing
you're supposed to say?
86
00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:09,500
I don't know
what you're talking about.
87
00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:13,000
I'm supposed to say that
since my mom's in Afghanistan,
88
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,920
I really need
my whole family right now.
89
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:18,710
But then I started to
think about my mom not
being there for real...
90
00:04:18,710 --> 00:04:21,920
and I'm really
sad, and I can't stop crying.
91
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:23,830
Grandpa Dan might have
suggested the guilt,
92
00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:26,120
but the crying,
that's from Darlene, isn't it?
93
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:27,920
Yeah.
94
00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:31,580
We really do
want you there.
95
00:04:31,580 --> 00:04:35,170
It sucks for the kids
when the adults are fighting.
96
00:04:35,170 --> 00:04:36,210
Please?
97
00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:40,120
I think we gotta.
98
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:41,620
Alright, fine,
we'll come.
99
00:04:41,620 --> 00:04:44,830
But you tell Grandpa Dan
that using kids isn't fair.
100
00:04:44,830 --> 00:04:46,040
And I want you to say
101
00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:48,000
that Aunt Jackie deserves
The Lunch Box
102
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:50,080
and you're praying really hard
every night that she gets it.
103
00:04:51,790 --> 00:04:53,620
Grandpa Dan
gave us a dollar.
104
00:04:53,620 --> 00:04:55,080
What are you giving us?
105
00:04:56,620 --> 00:04:58,830
What about that stuff of Bev's
we were gonna toss?
106
00:04:58,830 --> 00:05:00,250
You mean the treasures?
107
00:05:02,290 --> 00:05:04,170
Grandma Bev
left some things here
108
00:05:04,170 --> 00:05:06,920
that we're keeping safe
in a trash bag,
109
00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:09,120
but let's pretend
that this is a mystery grab bag
110
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:10,830
and whatever you pull out,
you get to keep.
111
00:05:13,580 --> 00:05:15,540
Ohh!
Ohh!
112
00:05:15,540 --> 00:05:18,000
You got the carved coconut
pirate head!
113
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,170
She holds that when she talks
about her trip to the Caribbean.
114
00:05:20,170 --> 00:05:21,290
She's gonna miss that.
115
00:05:21,290 --> 00:05:22,120
Good pull!
116
00:05:24,540 --> 00:05:25,710
Louise:
117
00:05:25,710 --> 00:05:29,080
I can't believe
you dug up our old yearbook.
118
00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:30,620
Look.
119
00:05:30,620 --> 00:05:32,290
Oh! Here's what I wrote
to you --
120
00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:35,670
"2-Good-2-B-4gotten."
121
00:05:35,670 --> 00:05:37,540
Yeah, I was really impressed
by the way you used
122
00:05:37,540 --> 00:05:40,620
the number 2 and the number 4
as words.
123
00:05:40,620 --> 00:05:42,750
I mean, Prince didn't start
doing that until way later.
124
00:05:45,170 --> 00:05:48,080
I just wanted people
to have a "bitchin' summer."
125
00:05:49,500 --> 00:05:52,500
Oh, look.
Here's what Roseanne wrote.
126
00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:54,960
"This girl is a woman now.
127
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:58,710
See you in 2525
if man is still alive."
128
00:05:58,710 --> 00:06:01,500
Wow.
129
00:06:01,500 --> 00:06:04,420
Sounds like you guys
had a pretty good summer.
130
00:06:04,420 --> 00:06:06,290
The best.
131
00:06:06,290 --> 00:06:08,420
Hey, what are your plans
for today?
132
00:06:08,420 --> 00:06:11,210
Well, thought I'd drag myself
to my sister's
133
00:06:11,210 --> 00:06:14,250
and listen to her brag
about how loaded they are
134
00:06:14,250 --> 00:06:16,250
that they can rent
a house boat
135
00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:18,790
on Lake of the Ozarks
every year.
136
00:06:18,790 --> 00:06:21,210
A house
what floats on the water?
137
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:23,920
I reckon
you gotta be careful
138
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:25,580
when you go to fetch
your newspaper.
139
00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:30,500
Yeah, but I'm gonna
get her back this year.
140
00:06:30,500 --> 00:06:33,790
I'm giving her all my clothes
that I'm "too small for"
141
00:06:33,790 --> 00:06:35,960
right before dinner.
142
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,750
"Enjoy your yams, Tiffany."
143
00:06:39,250 --> 00:06:41,380
Hey, why don't you save
that little gift for Christmas
144
00:06:41,380 --> 00:06:43,000
and join us
for dinner tonight?
145
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:46,500
Hmm. You want me
at Thanksgiving?
146
00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:47,750
People will talk.
147
00:06:47,750 --> 00:06:49,580
Ah, let 'em talk.
148
00:06:49,580 --> 00:06:52,420
Besides,
I could use an ally.
149
00:06:52,420 --> 00:06:53,830
Things are a little tense
between the kids
150
00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:55,290
over The Lunch Box.
151
00:06:55,290 --> 00:06:58,330
Ah.
So, I'm a buffer.
152
00:06:58,330 --> 00:07:00,920
No, you're a friend!
153
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,540
But as a friend,
if you want to be a buffer,
154
00:07:03,540 --> 00:07:05,540
I'll support you.
155
00:07:05,540 --> 00:07:07,540
You know, I have
a couple of pies in the car.
156
00:07:07,540 --> 00:07:09,330
I baked them for Tiffany,
157
00:07:09,330 --> 00:07:13,420
so the crusts are made of lard
and I doubled the sugar.
158
00:07:13,420 --> 00:07:15,500
I can't believe how well
this is turning out.
159
00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:26,380
I like how
none of your plates much.
160
00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:27,750
Thanks, Odessa.
That's what happens
161
00:07:27,750 --> 00:07:29,540
when you steal them
from different restaurants.
162
00:07:31,420 --> 00:07:33,920
Set another place.
Louise is joining us.
163
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,380
-Hey.
-Hey.
-Hey!
164
00:07:35,380 --> 00:07:37,920
So, Grandpa,
where should Louise sit?
165
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,000
By Odessa or next to you?
166
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,380
Oh, yeah, Dad.
167
00:07:41,380 --> 00:07:43,210
Where do you want
Louise to sit?
168
00:07:44,420 --> 00:07:46,250
Well, she comes with pie,
169
00:07:46,250 --> 00:07:48,580
so I want her
next to me.
170
00:07:48,580 --> 00:07:50,790
And do you know what?
We're gonna give her
the good lawn chair.
171
00:07:50,790 --> 00:07:52,790
I'll hose it down
for spiders.
172
00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:55,330
Wow!
173
00:07:55,330 --> 00:07:58,330
How am I gonna go back
to my ordinary life?
174
00:07:58,330 --> 00:08:00,250
Well, it's 4:00.
Turkey should be ready.
175
00:08:00,250 --> 00:08:03,250
Let's not make this
any more unpleasant
than it has to be.
176
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:04,250
Ohhh!
177
00:08:04,250 --> 00:08:06,960
Great. You're here.
178
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,460
Hey, Jackie.
Nice to see ya.
179
00:08:09,460 --> 00:08:11,000
"Nice to see ya."
Classic.
180
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:16,000
We hate Darlene.
This really isn't about you.
181
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:17,670
Hey, Louise.
182
00:08:17,670 --> 00:08:19,000
Remember this?
183
00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:40,170
Huah!
184
00:08:40,170 --> 00:08:42,120
No, you don't remember it!
185
00:08:45,170 --> 00:08:47,540
'Cause nobody saw me
do my rifle routine
186
00:08:47,540 --> 00:08:49,880
senior year, 1974.
187
00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:52,500
I didn't get to do
the performance I
worked on for weeks
188
00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:55,920
because your garbage band
played too long.
189
00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:57,960
It's garage band.
190
00:08:57,960 --> 00:08:59,250
See ya at Christmas.
191
00:08:59,250 --> 00:09:00,790
No, what?
No, wait, wait, wait.
192
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,330
Please, please, please --
hold on.
193
00:09:02,330 --> 00:09:04,000
Jackie, can I talk to you
for a minute?
194
00:09:08,670 --> 00:09:11,210
Here's a hard truth
you've needed to hear
for some time now.
195
00:09:11,210 --> 00:09:13,500
Nobody wins a talent show
twirling a toy rifle.
196
00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:15,210
Never happened. Never gonna.
Move on!
197
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:22,000
Fine. It's Thanksgiving.
I'll play nice.
198
00:09:23,420 --> 00:09:24,620
Sorry, Louise.
199
00:09:24,620 --> 00:09:27,420
Didn't mean to insult
your "garage" band.
200
00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:31,210
I appreciate that.
201
00:09:31,210 --> 00:09:33,960
You know, after high school,
that band went pro.
202
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,290
I made a living off it
for 30 years.
203
00:09:36,290 --> 00:09:38,170
Yeah, well, we'll never know
where I would be now
204
00:09:38,170 --> 00:09:39,670
if people had seen
my rifle --
205
00:09:39,670 --> 00:09:41,710
Jackie, no!
What? What?!
206
00:09:45,380 --> 00:09:48,380
Lean right.
The left is mostly duct tape.
207
00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:50,790
Well,
time to start drinkin'.
208
00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:53,210
Brought some
Mexican social sauce
209
00:09:53,210 --> 00:09:55,500
if anyone cares
to join me.
210
00:09:55,500 --> 00:09:57,120
I'm in.
Alright.
211
00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:58,920
See, Darlene,
this is Bev's,
212
00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:00,670
and I'm in charge of it,
213
00:10:00,670 --> 00:10:03,330
but I'm still gonna share it,
'cause that's how it's done!
214
00:10:03,330 --> 00:10:05,420
Oh, that's
a really good point.
215
00:10:05,420 --> 00:10:07,830
A bottle of tequila is the same
as an inheritance.
216
00:10:07,830 --> 00:10:09,170
You can flush both
down the drain.
217
00:10:10,420 --> 00:10:11,750
Just for the record,
218
00:10:11,750 --> 00:10:14,000
I have never flushed tequila
down the drain.
219
00:10:15,670 --> 00:10:17,420
You know what? If you guys
are just looking for a fight,
220
00:10:17,420 --> 00:10:18,620
then you should just leave.
221
00:10:18,620 --> 00:10:20,170
Oh, no, no,
I'm not gonna be the bad guy
222
00:10:20,170 --> 00:10:21,620
that bails on Thanksgiving.
223
00:10:21,620 --> 00:10:25,120
No, this is a time
when families gather together
224
00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:28,120
to judge those who are selfish
and self-centered.
225
00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,540
I'm in. You're selfish
and self-centered.
226
00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:34,960
You're an old, bitter rat
in a curly wig.
227
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:42,170
Sure would be a good time
for turkey, Dan.
228
00:10:42,170 --> 00:10:44,080
It should be just about ready.
Everybody, sit!
229
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,380
Do you feel the tension?
230
00:10:48,380 --> 00:10:51,210
It's like something bad's
gonna happen.
231
00:10:51,210 --> 00:10:52,670
It's fantastic.
232
00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:56,580
Uh, bad news.
233
00:10:56,580 --> 00:11:01,380
325 in a 40-year-old oven
equals food poisoning.
234
00:11:01,380 --> 00:11:02,960
It's gonna be
a couple more hours.
235
00:11:05,250 --> 00:11:06,620
There it is.
236
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:13,670
Can I help,
Daddy?
237
00:11:13,670 --> 00:11:15,670
Uh, no, this is
really delicate stuff, honey.
238
00:11:15,670 --> 00:11:16,620
I think I got it.
239
00:11:19,750 --> 00:11:21,000
She could've done that.
240
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:24,210
We don't have to watch
241
00:11:24,210 --> 00:11:26,920
"Planes, Trains
and Automobiles."
242
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,170
What about football? You don't
need a screwdriver for that.
243
00:11:29,170 --> 00:11:30,710
Great idea!
244
00:11:32,620 --> 00:11:35,330
Announcer: You know when a team
is down by six touchdowns,
245
00:11:35,330 --> 00:11:37,330
you really gotta salute
the few fans
246
00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:39,330
that are left in the stands.
247
00:11:39,330 --> 00:11:41,500
I don't know if my family
is still watching,
248
00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:44,250
but here's a shout-out
to my Meemaw.
249
00:11:44,250 --> 00:11:46,880
96 next week --
still going strong.
250
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,830
Aww! To Meemaw!
251
00:11:48,830 --> 00:11:51,120
Sounds like a woman
who'd give her kid a restaurant.
252
00:11:53,460 --> 00:11:55,670
See ya.
Back before the turkey's ready.
253
00:11:55,670 --> 00:11:59,290
Wow! Somebody smells like weed
covered up poorly by Febreze.
254
00:12:00,670 --> 00:12:02,710
Oh, that's me.
255
00:12:02,710 --> 00:12:05,380
Kids, let's go in the kitchen
and check on the turkey.
256
00:12:05,380 --> 00:12:07,460
Uh, where do you think
you're going?
257
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:09,380
Odessa's place?
258
00:12:09,380 --> 00:12:10,960
No, you're not.
It's Thanksgiving.
259
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:12,330
And why would you go
to Odessa's house
260
00:12:12,330 --> 00:12:13,790
when her parents
are out of town?
261
00:12:13,790 --> 00:12:16,290
You know, they're out of town
for, like, five years.
262
00:12:17,380 --> 00:12:18,380
What?
263
00:12:18,380 --> 00:12:20,080
Oh.
264
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:22,330
W-What are you
talking about?
265
00:12:22,330 --> 00:12:24,080
Okay,
I'm gonna tell you.
266
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:25,540
Odessa lives by herself.
267
00:12:25,540 --> 00:12:27,170
Hard to believe.
She's so personable.
268
00:12:29,420 --> 00:12:31,880
I didn't say anything
because I knew you'd make
a big deal out of it,
269
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,790
even though there's
absolutely no reason to.
270
00:12:33,790 --> 00:12:35,290
No reason?
271
00:12:35,290 --> 00:12:37,330
I let you spend the night there.
You lied to me.
272
00:12:37,330 --> 00:12:39,380
You didn't know her friend
lives alone? Good parenting.
273
00:12:39,380 --> 00:12:41,120
Shut up!
274
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:42,540
Why do parents
need to be there?
275
00:12:42,540 --> 00:12:44,080
What do you think
we're doing?
276
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:45,420
What are you doing?
277
00:12:45,420 --> 00:12:47,420
We make s'mores,
braid each other's hair,
278
00:12:47,420 --> 00:12:48,710
and dance around
in our underwear
279
00:12:48,710 --> 00:12:49,790
for men on the Internet.
280
00:12:49,790 --> 00:12:50,960
Problem?
281
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,290
Hey,
don't be a smartass.
282
00:12:53,290 --> 00:12:54,830
Odessa's
a terrible influence.
283
00:12:54,830 --> 00:12:56,330
I didn't want her here
to begin with.
284
00:12:56,330 --> 00:12:57,830
Well, I'll fix that.
285
00:12:57,830 --> 00:12:59,000
Peace out, bitches.
286
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:04,460
Is leaving an option?
287
00:13:04,460 --> 00:13:05,750
I-I didn't --
288
00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:14,420
Apparently, leaving is
only an option for strangers.
289
00:13:14,420 --> 00:13:16,170
If you're family,
you're trapped here.
290
00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:17,790
Oh, good.
You finally get it.
291
00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:21,420
I trust you, Harris.
292
00:13:21,420 --> 00:13:23,920
Then again, I'm not
a psycho control freak.
293
00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:25,830
Hey, you know what? You got
your own kid to screw up now.
294
00:13:25,830 --> 00:13:26,960
Stay away from mine.
295
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:28,380
Hey,
take it down a notch.
296
00:13:28,380 --> 00:13:30,620
Hey, don't yell at Becky
'cause you're in over your head
297
00:13:30,620 --> 00:13:31,790
in all parts of your life.
298
00:13:31,790 --> 00:13:33,580
Oh!
299
00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:35,420
Hilarious coming from you.
300
00:13:35,420 --> 00:13:38,080
No, you know what's hilarious,
is the person
301
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,880
who was sleeping around
and neglecting her kids
302
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:43,920
is the one telling everybody
else how to live their life.
303
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:46,710
Yeah, have another
glass of water, Jackie!
304
00:13:46,710 --> 00:13:48,420
Dilute
some of that tequila!
305
00:13:48,420 --> 00:13:51,290
This isn't tequila talking!
This is the truth!
306
00:13:51,290 --> 00:13:54,580
You think you're the almighty
decision-maker around here?!
307
00:13:54,580 --> 00:13:55,880
Huh?!
308
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,750
You think you can
replace Roseanne
309
00:13:57,750 --> 00:13:59,290
as the mom
of this family?!
310
00:13:59,290 --> 00:14:00,290
What a joke!
311
00:14:00,290 --> 00:14:01,460
Jackie, enough!
312
00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:03,120
You want to talk
about my mom?
313
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:04,960
Let's talk about her!
314
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:08,250
'Cause she spent her entire life
trying to fix you,
315
00:14:08,250 --> 00:14:10,670
and every time she picked you
up, you fell down.
316
00:14:10,670 --> 00:14:11,880
You know why?
317
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:13,210
'Cause you're a loser
318
00:14:13,210 --> 00:14:15,380
and you were
the bane of her existence!
319
00:14:16,500 --> 00:14:18,170
Don't you ever
touch my mother!
320
00:14:23,330 --> 00:14:25,500
Why did they
send us upstairs?
321
00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:27,210
We heard everything
from the kitchen.
322
00:14:27,210 --> 00:14:28,790
I want to know
what's going on.
323
00:14:28,790 --> 00:14:31,210
Get away from the door. You're
not supposed to hear that stuff.
324
00:14:34,710 --> 00:14:36,420
It's really quiet.
325
00:14:36,420 --> 00:14:39,540
I hope my mom
didn't kill Aunt Jackie.
326
00:14:39,540 --> 00:14:41,000
If she goes to prison,
327
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:42,580
we'll be the family
with the mom in prison.
328
00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:46,790
Which is weird, because most
people have a dad in prison.
329
00:14:48,380 --> 00:14:51,920
All I know is, I think
Aunt Jackie's going crazy.
330
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,540
They're all crazy.
331
00:14:53,540 --> 00:14:54,750
They're all old.
332
00:14:54,750 --> 00:14:56,330
Their lives didn't turn out
the way they thought,
333
00:14:56,330 --> 00:14:58,170
and now they're all
hitting each other.
334
00:15:09,330 --> 00:15:10,580
Wow.
335
00:15:10,580 --> 00:15:13,120
Beer and tequila going
from the house to the garage.
336
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:16,080
It's the first time alcohol's
ever flowed in this direction.
337
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:19,040
Well, I think
you made a wise decision.
338
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:21,880
Call me crazy, but I don't think
the alcohol was helping.
339
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,080
Neither was the buffer.
340
00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:25,000
You suck at this.
341
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,750
Hey, you don't need
a buffer.
342
00:15:26,750 --> 00:15:29,040
You needed a riot cop
and some tear gas.
343
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:32,750
Would you be upset
if I went home?
344
00:15:32,750 --> 00:15:34,380
Would you be upset
if I went with you?
345
00:15:34,380 --> 00:15:35,250
Run.
346
00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:37,710
Go.
347
00:15:44,790 --> 00:15:48,000
Here's what you gotta remember
when these things happen.
348
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,920
Roll the beer
back and forth
349
00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:51,620
so you don't get
freezer burn.
350
00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:57,500
Look, I know
I said some ugly things,
351
00:15:57,500 --> 00:15:59,460
but Jackie said
some pretty ugly things, too.
352
00:15:59,460 --> 00:16:01,380
I mean, I can't believe
she slapped me.
353
00:16:01,380 --> 00:16:02,960
Really?
354
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,330
I can't believe she waited
this long to slap you.
355
00:16:06,750 --> 00:16:08,710
What?
Think about it.
356
00:16:08,710 --> 00:16:11,330
As far as she's concerned,
you stole her inheritance.
357
00:16:11,330 --> 00:16:12,960
Well, that's her problem.
358
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,210
No, it's our problem.
359
00:16:14,210 --> 00:16:15,000
The family's.
360
00:16:16,540 --> 00:16:18,500
And we're gonna work this out
right now.
361
00:16:22,500 --> 00:16:23,960
Mark! Mary!
362
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:25,620
Come on down
from the top of the stairs.
363
00:16:25,620 --> 00:16:28,330
I know you're up there
listening.
364
00:16:28,330 --> 00:16:30,210
I didn't want to spy,
but Mark made me.
365
00:16:30,210 --> 00:16:32,330
So hit him.
366
00:16:32,330 --> 00:16:34,620
Nobody's hitting anybody.
367
00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:36,540
Alright.
368
00:16:36,540 --> 00:16:38,170
In this corner,
369
00:16:38,170 --> 00:16:40,460
hailing from
Lanford, Illinois,
370
00:16:40,460 --> 00:16:42,380
the Sultan of Slap,
371
00:16:42,380 --> 00:16:44,710
the Antagonizing Aunt,
372
00:16:44,710 --> 00:16:46,670
the Queen of Crazy,
373
00:16:46,670 --> 00:16:47,920
Jackieeeeee...
374
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:49,960
"Open Hand" Harris!
375
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,540
You're not helping,
Dad.
376
00:16:51,540 --> 00:16:52,790
And in this corner,
377
00:16:52,790 --> 00:16:55,960
weighing in at 95 pounds
soaking wet --
378
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:57,540
the Vicious Vegan,
379
00:16:57,540 --> 00:16:59,710
the Nasty Niece,
380
00:16:59,710 --> 00:17:02,330
the Raja of Retort,
381
00:17:02,330 --> 00:17:05,790
Darleeeene...
382
00:17:05,790 --> 00:17:08,330
"The Darkness" Conner!
383
00:17:08,330 --> 00:17:10,080
Alright, shake hands,
no low blows,
384
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:11,790
and come out apologizing.
385
00:17:11,790 --> 00:17:13,170
I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
386
00:17:13,170 --> 00:17:15,080
Are you okay?
Yeah.
387
00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:17,170
It's just that when
you were talking, I
was hearing my mother.
388
00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:19,210
I was slapping her,
not you.
389
00:17:20,620 --> 00:17:22,880
Yeah, it really felt like
you put your hip into it.
390
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,120
You know, I shouldn't have said
those terrible things.
391
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:29,460
I shouldn't have,
either.
392
00:17:29,460 --> 00:17:31,040
And I shouldn't have
enjoyed it so much.
393
00:17:33,250 --> 00:17:34,790
Alright.
394
00:17:34,790 --> 00:17:36,500
You two
want a restaurant.
395
00:17:36,500 --> 00:17:39,460
You want everybody to get
some money when Bev goes.
396
00:17:39,460 --> 00:17:41,710
There's gotta be
some kind of compromise here.
397
00:17:41,710 --> 00:17:45,380
I don't even care
about some stupid inheritance.
398
00:17:45,380 --> 00:17:47,670
I just want everyone
to get along.
399
00:17:47,670 --> 00:17:50,710
I don't care about
the stupid inheritance, either.
400
00:17:50,710 --> 00:17:52,880
Look, I'll be honest --
I could use that money.
401
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,080
But it's not worth
all this.
402
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:55,880
Alright.
403
00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,330
I'm willing to bet
on Jackie and Becky
404
00:17:58,330 --> 00:18:00,420
because I believe
in your ability
405
00:18:00,420 --> 00:18:01,880
and your desperation.
406
00:18:03,710 --> 00:18:04,790
I am desperate.
407
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:07,080
Thanks, Dad.
408
00:18:08,790 --> 00:18:12,000
Well, I mean,
if that's how you all feel,
409
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,040
I don't even know
who I'm fighting for --
410
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,170
except me and Harris,
and I actually look forward
411
00:18:16,170 --> 00:18:17,880
to telling her
she just lost a lot of money.
412
00:18:19,540 --> 00:18:22,250
Majority rules.
You got yourself a restaurant!
413
00:18:22,250 --> 00:18:24,880
I'm gonna make this work
just to prove you wrong!
414
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:26,790
Man, I hope you do.
415
00:18:26,790 --> 00:18:29,170
And I just want to say I really
appreciate you rolling over
416
00:18:29,170 --> 00:18:31,000
because you were forced to
by others.
417
00:18:32,540 --> 00:18:33,620
You are welcome.
418
00:18:33,620 --> 00:18:35,290
Can I hug you?
If you must.
419
00:18:35,290 --> 00:18:37,880
Okay, I'm gonna come in slow
on the left...
420
00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:40,920
...and then tuck in
on the right nice and easy.
421
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,710
Let me know
how the pressure is.
Oh, God.
422
00:18:42,710 --> 00:18:44,670
This is worse
than being hit.
423
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,500
Promise me we'll never fight
like this when we get old.
424
00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:51,120
Oh, I'm not getting old.
425
00:18:53,750 --> 00:18:55,500
Moving out. Bye.
426
00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:57,210
What?
427
00:18:57,210 --> 00:18:58,710
What are you
talking about?
428
00:18:58,710 --> 00:19:02,170
You guys are drunk and fighting
and slapping each other.
429
00:19:02,170 --> 00:19:04,500
And you can't trust me
to behave myself?
430
00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:06,170
Odessa just invited me
to live at her house.
431
00:19:06,170 --> 00:19:07,420
I'm out.
432
00:19:07,420 --> 00:19:09,500
You can't leave this house
till you're 18.
433
00:19:09,500 --> 00:19:10,790
Really?
434
00:19:10,790 --> 00:19:12,920
Because the only one fast enough
to catch me is Becky,
435
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:13,960
and she's on my side.
436
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,170
Holler!
437
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:19,460
I'm going to Odessa's.
438
00:19:19,460 --> 00:19:21,040
Okay, whoa, whoa.
439
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:22,960
E-Everybody slow down,
okay?
440
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,120
It's been a bad night.
441
00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:25,540
Nobody's eaten.
442
00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:27,500
Apparently, there's not
gonna be any turkey.
443
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:28,920
30 minutes away.
444
00:19:30,620 --> 00:19:32,120
45 at the most.
445
00:19:33,330 --> 00:19:36,290
So, it's fine if you go
to Odessa's tonight,
446
00:19:36,290 --> 00:19:37,830
but I want you back here
in the morning,
447
00:19:37,830 --> 00:19:39,290
and we are gonna talk.
448
00:19:39,290 --> 00:19:40,120
Whatever.
449
00:19:41,540 --> 00:19:42,880
So that's it?
450
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:44,500
You're just gonna let her
walk outta here like that?
451
00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:45,880
She has a friend
with an apartment.
452
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:47,290
She might not come back.
453
00:19:47,290 --> 00:19:48,880
She just needs
to make a point.
454
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:50,250
I mean, we all come back.
455
00:19:50,250 --> 00:19:51,710
Right, Becky?
456
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,380
Hey,
I live with Jackie now!
457
00:19:55,380 --> 00:19:58,460
But I am...
moving back in tomorrow.
458
00:19:58,460 --> 00:20:01,330
Let's go...eat the skin
off that turkey!
459
00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:03,170
It should be
almost done by now.
460
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,580
Are you sure you're doing
the right thing with Harris?
461
00:20:11,620 --> 00:20:12,670
No.
462
00:20:14,460 --> 00:20:16,290
You know, for the first time
in a long time,
463
00:20:16,290 --> 00:20:17,880
I wish you could
drink with me.
464
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:22,500
You've ruined one life tonight.
Isn't that enough?
465
00:20:28,710 --> 00:20:31,250
Wow. I can't believe
you came back.
466
00:20:31,250 --> 00:20:33,540
I didn't come back
for you.
467
00:20:33,540 --> 00:20:34,960
These are my pies.
468
00:20:37,580 --> 00:20:39,040
How'd it go
at your sister's?
469
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,580
Well, my brothers
got into a fistfight,
470
00:20:41,580 --> 00:20:43,000
took it out on the street,
471
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,750
the cops came,
472
00:20:44,750 --> 00:20:46,290
and then
they tased my aunt
473
00:20:46,290 --> 00:20:48,040
while she was trying
to break it up.
474
00:20:50,210 --> 00:20:52,880
Wow! That's way better
than us!
475
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,710
You said
there wasn't any pie left.
476
00:20:55,710 --> 00:20:57,460
There isn't.
477
00:20:59,210 --> 00:21:02,880
You're clearly
having a dream.
478
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:04,710
No, I'm not!
I'm awake.
479
00:21:04,710 --> 00:21:06,750
My mom got slapped,
and my sister left.
480
00:21:06,750 --> 00:21:08,500
I deserve pie.
481
00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:12,080
Oh, Mark, Marky,
Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark.
482
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:13,540
Here's the thing
about life --
483
00:21:13,540 --> 00:21:16,250
sometimes, bad things happen
and you still don't get pie.
484
00:21:17,670 --> 00:21:19,420
Oh, come here!
I'm kiddin'!
485
00:21:20,540 --> 00:21:21,960
Sit down.
486
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,120
Watch me eat pie.
35308
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