Original subtitles

Hey! Hey, Dad.

Hey, Dad.

You coming with us to visit Becky at the hospital?

No, I can't. I'm on a break from work,

but I got something for Becky, if you'd give it to her.

The store sells this really great

Lanolin cocoa butter for stretch marks.

Wow, that's sweet.

After all she's been through, it's nice to remind her

she's all stretched out.

I looked in our baby section.

It was either that or something for cracked nipples.

They crack?

I gotta go. My manager's in a terrible mood.

He tanked his SATs.

Mark: Bye.

If Becky's getting something, we should bring

something for Lil Bev.

Like a stuffed animal.

Mm-hmm. I don't know. It's a preemie.

A Beanie Baby that's bigger than your kid --

that's gonna be depressing.

Darlene, it's your phone.

It's Mark's school.

Wow!

Are you in trouble, or does the pink-eye girl

have lice now?

Hello?

Uh, hi, Principal Reynolds. How are you?

Oh.

Uh-huh.

Okay, that's -- that's not good.

Um, yeah. We'll be there.

What's he in trouble for?

Spreading too much sunshine everywhere he goes?

Why don't you guys head out to the car and give us a second?

So, we have to go see the principal tomorrow

because your school has a "no PDA" rule

and somebody posted a picture of you kissing

your friend Austin at school.

He wins at everything, and now he has a boyfriend?

I hate you!

So, Austin's your boyfriend?

How come you didn't tell me?

I don't know. I guess he's my boyfriend.

When we found out they were gonna start serving

personal pizzas at lunch,

we got so excited that we kissed.

I get that.

Well, there is a longer talk to come,

but have you guys done anything more than kiss?

No, just the kiss.

And that was the first time.

He only told me he was gay last week.

Is Austin the dark, brooding one

or the kid that's always smelling his hand?

Neither, Grandpa.

Alright, well, we'll deal with this tomorrow,

but in the meantime, no more PDA.

You're at school to learn, not kiss, okay?

Got it.

So, you think you're ready for a relationship, huh, pal?

I think so. Is there anything I should know?

I'll just say, you're 12, don't sign anything,

and just treat him the way you'd want to be treated, I guess.

Austin says I don't listen enough.

Does he also say you drink too much?

'Cause that's coming.

How are we doing?

I've been trying to pump every couple hours, but nothing.

I've always been able to count on my boobs,

but they're betraying me.

Have you tried to express the milk by hand?

Are you kidding?

I've been squeezing myself like an entitled frat boy.

It takes some people longer.

Everything'll be okay.

As Becky's life and birth coach,

um, I need to inform you

that your constant reductive reassurances

are not appreciated.

She understands that the milk contains colostrum,

which carries the antibodies

that preemies need to fight disease.

She knows that she's playing with the baby's life.

So just let her be, could ya?

I got your back.

Hey.

Hey! Did you see the baby?

-Oh, yeah. Strong. -She looks beautiful!

Don't sugarcoat it.

I've seen her. You can be honest.

Okay, well, I've seen cuter babies in jars at the fair.

It's okay. Babies don't always start out pretty.

Darlene looked like Yoda. You had Dumbo ears.

And DJ --

DJ did start out pretty,

so...be careful what you wish for.

Hey, Beck, you know, you've been up for two nights.

It's hard to make milk when you're tired and stressed.

You need to sleep.

Geena's hospital -- they had a lactation specialist.

Maybe you can get one of those.

This is County.

People pay their bills here with chickens.

We have chickens!

You don't have chickens.

I have chickens.

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Darlene, I need to tell you something.

What?

What'd you need to tell me?

That.

Get back upstairs.

That could be my dad or the kids.

Mm, did I hear David?

Yes. He slept over last night.

Again? Oh, you're taking some chances here.

If the kids find out and tell Ben,

your little sausage party is over.

It's okay.

We're quiet, and he knows to stay in my room

until my dad and the kids are gone.

Oh, crap! It's Ben!

Ben!

Hey, uh, what -- what the -- what are you doing here?

Oh. That's funny.

In my head, you just said, "Hey, Ben,

what a pleasant surprise."

I'm sorry. I-I just didn't ex-expect you.

We're just about to leave for the ho-- for --

So, thanks for coming!

Thanks for the deli platter!

Oh, wow. Wait, are you rushing me out, or...

No. Of course not. Of course not. Come on in.

Okay.

Okay, say what you need to say.

I was just in the neighborhood,

and I thought you might like this

'cause you probably don't have time for cooking right now.

And, uh, it's, uh --

it's half vegan and...half delicious.

Okay. Thank you! Kiss me and go!

Okay.

Wow, it's like "Casablanca."

You, sir, have besmirched me daughter!

Now you must marry her!

And I accept your cold-cut dowry.

Dan, shouldn't you be at work?

Oh, one of my crew guys peed on some wires and we lost power.

Blew him right out of his shoes.

How you doing, Dan?

Uh, he's great. Everything's great.

Apparently, I'm great.

Alright, let's say goodbye on the porch.

It's on my way to seeing Becky.

So, you know, the other day, I-I told you that I thought

you seemed stressed by the commute,

but you seem just real anxious to me.

Um, have you ever considered talking to a therapist?

Well, I have all that discretionary

income lying around.

Maybe I'll try therapy after that Tuscan wine safari.

Oh, come on.

Most therapists charge on a sliding scale.

Something to think about.

Bye, love-you-miss-you-mean-it.

Oh.

Yeah. Maybe twice a week to start.

Look, Darlene. It's David.

David, you can't be down here like that. My dad's home.

If he sees you in that robe, he's gonna know we had sex.

Sorry, I'm just washing some clothes.

And I saw your father go in the garage with a platter of meat.

He's not coming out till spring.

No, no, it's -- it's half vegan.

We've got like two minutes until he hits broccoli

and comes screaming out of there.

You're making a big deal out of nothing.

Get dressed. Now.

But they're wet.

Aah, and they're cold.

Oh, yeah, I'm stuck.

I'll help. You take left. I'll take right.

Okay. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Wait. Just a... Let me do it.

You don't know where everything goes.

Okay, go.

Alright, love you, and I'll see you

at the principal's office at 4:00.

Don't forget. Yeah.

Bye.

You can't make me feel worse about myself

than I already feel right now.

At least let me try.

Look, I know it's wrong,

but I-I love David and I love Ben.

And I have to decide who I'm gonna spend

the rest of my life with.

Well, let's talk about it, and maybe I can help you.

Pick Ben.

Ben challenges you. He's financially stable.

He'll be a fantastic partner.

David is sweet, but you've already gone down that road.

But he's the father of my children,

and he's really stepping up and showing up for us.

So buy him a "Number One Dad" t-shirt as a parting gift,

and then you go be with Ben.

And the sex has gotta be fantastic.

Get to -- Get to rub that beard all over your body.

David is familiar and soft and, you know,

having sex with him is like being with a nice,

fluffy marshmallow.

David has a beard.

Mm, does he, though?

Is Austin's mother going to join us?

Well, she hasn't joined us in eight years,

so the odds are against it.

Can we get this going?

Yeah, I think we can take care of this in a couple minutes.

This whole thing's crazy.

I'd just like to make an -- an opening statement.

Um, well, as Mark's father, I-I'm no longer taking

a-a sidelines position on his upbringing.

I-I am now fully in the picture, and -- and as such,

uh, I, too, think this whole thing's crazy.

I'm sorry, but we have rules

about public displays of affection.

Mark and Austin are getting three days detention.

What?! Is this because they're two boys?

Because when I was here, kids kissed all the time.

My sister, Becky, kissed her teacher,

and she didn't get detention.

She got an "A."

We don't differentiate on the basis of gender.

Well, you're not punishing my grandson.

Austin doesn't kiss boys. Mark kissed him.

Well, that's not what I heard. Is that what Austin told you?

Yes.

That's not what happened.

Yes, it is.

I was just in line for pizza,

and you came up and kissed me.

That's not true.

Uh, Mark doesn't lie.

That's not how he was raised.

I-I wasn't there for a lot of it, but I'm pretty sure.

Who are you gonna believe?

My kid or the boy with the nail polish?

Hey, wearing nail polish doesn't make you a liar.

Now, Austin, I know this is hard,

but you just got to tell the truth.

Don't talk to him.

I am telling the truth.

No, you're not.

Y-You said you liked me.

Well, I don't.

Austin, wait outside.

You raise your kid however you want,

but I've got enough on my plate raising Austin by myself.

I don't need your kid confusing him

into thinking he's something he isn't!

Hey, you know what? It's not contagious, lady.

Your kid's not gonna catch being gay any more than he's gonna

catch being a cranky, old wench like you.

I don't need to listen to this.

No, yes, you do.

Maybe you don't want to accept the fact that your grandkid

might be gay,

but you scaring him into denying it

is just gonna ruin his life.

Well, this feels like a natural stopping point.

Oh, maybe you can take the progress you've made

and continue over coffee somewhere.

No, we're not going for coffee.

We're very angry right now!

Unless you wanted coffee. Do you want --

No, I don't. She doesn't!

Hey, buddy.

You ready to talk?

Principal called. No one's getting detention.

Okay.

Going for a new color?

Nope. I'm not gonna wear nail polish anymore.

How come?

Just tired of it. That's all.

Today was, uh, really bad, huh?

I can't believe Austin said those things.

He won't even talk to me now.

Well, you know that's because of his grandmother,

not because of you.

Yeah, and his grandma's old.

I heard her coughing in the hallway.

One more bad flu season, and you guys are back together again.

Hey, don't be mad at Austin.

He's caught in a really bad situation.

I don't care. I am mad at him.

And I'm mad at you.

What? Why?

You told me I shouldn't hide who I am,

and look what happened.

Yeah, but you shouldn't hide who you are.

Austin has to do that.

You don't wanna live like that, right?

My life would be so much easier if I wasn't gay.

Hey, stop it.

This is not your problem. This is their problem.

Forget what I said about not being mad.

Austin's a jerk for turning on you,

and his grandma's a jerk for not caring how much

she's hurting the two of you.

You should be mad, and you should stay mad

'cause you're amazing and everybody else sucks!

Is liking someone always gonna be this hard?

Oh, you mean falling in love?

Yeah, love is freakin' brutal.

I mean, just take your dad.

I thought he was my soul mate,

and then he left for nine years.

There's probably other examples.

Yeah, but it's a good one.

Alright.

I-I think we may have gotten off topic.

W-What's important is that someone wonderful

will eventually come along.

You know, I-I-I think the hard part is that you know

who you are at a very early age.

And that's great.

But until the other kids catch up,

it might be a little lonely.

Well, what do I do until then?

Well, that is where you're lucky

because you have a really fun family!

Get off me, you weirdos!

No!

Do you feel better now?

Yes, I love myself!

I'm glad I'm gay!

Leave me alone!

We did it!

We did it!

Nice job, lefty!

You were always my favorite!

Nurse!

Wow.

Yeah, poor Mark, huh?

No, I'm talking about us.

We just parented the crap out of that kid.

Yeah, we did. Mm-hmm.

We are kicking ass as parents.

We're having great sex. And we love each other.

Let's go tell the kids we're getting back together tonight.

I know it'll cheer Mark up.

Um, it's still too soon.

Look we just told Mark not to live a lie,

and here we are sneaking and hiding from our own family.

This has gotta stop.

Well, we're still working on our relationship.

You know, just don't get ahead of yourself.

If -- If there's a reason

we can't be back together, then say it.

Otherwise, I want a decision now.

Okay, um, alright.

Uh, here we go.

Um, there's something I have to tell you.

I-I -- You need to go to therapy.

Therapy? I...

I thought we were doing great.

No, I-I -- Think about it. It -- It makes sense.

I mean, we have issues. We're on again, off again.

You need professional help.

Okay. I'll do whatever it takes for us to be together.

Great.

Well, you have to go, too.

I'd rather not.

If you don't go, I don't go,

and we tell the kids everything right now.

Okay, fine. I-I'll go.

Okay.

I feel really good about this.

Heck, yeah, you do.

So...when you and David finish therapy

and he moves in with you and Ben...

are you and the rest of the Mormons

gonna raise a barn in the backyard?

You know what?

I may have been forced into this,

but it's probably the only way I'll know

if David and I have a chance of making this work.

Yeah, here's the other thing that's gonna happen.

Um, after about three sessions, that therapist is gonna know

that you're lying your ass off, and what you're doing

is gonna be totally exposed to David.

Huh.

Well, that's not good.

Well, maybe it'll at least just buy me enough time

to figure out which man I'm gonna love forever

and which man is never gonna trust women again

and probably die alone.

Are you saying that if you pick David,

Ben will die alone?

Because I'm here to tell you that there are a lot of women

who would shamelessly throw themselves at a guy like that.

Just stop. It's not funny anymore.

It's just creepy.

You know what they say -- a watched preemie never grows.

I let her down.

She's getting the nutrition she needs.

That's all that matters.

I finally got colostrum, and I dropped it.

She's not nursing, so we're not bonding.

She probably won't even call me "Mom."

She'll just be like, "Hey, Becky, hand me that rattle."

She's never gonna love me.

What?

You think your baby isn't gonna love you?

Hey.

Do you know all the awful things we did to you as a baby?

Well, I remember you having Darlene.

That was pretty bad.

Once we left you on a bus,

and you went all the way to Navy Pier.

We used a stroller we found in an alley,

and it folded up on you.

And we laughed because we were high.

The point is, you still love us, don't you?

Well, I'm gonna need a little help with the baby,

so I'll say yes.

Thanks, Dad.

Mm, so stop worrying.

You're gonna fall short. Everybody does.

And so what you had a preemie?

Did you really want a super healthy, strong kid?

Puny, little kids are so much easier to keep up with.

And you're gonna need that advantage 'cause you're old.

I am old.

We can play "Sleeping Beauty." You be Aurora.

I'll be Maleficent. I'll start.

You jump in when you feel it.

No, you will not be woken

until you've been kissed by a handsome prince.

Hey, Jackie.

Uh, oh, hi, Ben.

Hey. You startled me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I just came to see the baby.

I didn't mean to interrupt your performance.

Oh, no, I was just amusing the baby.

Oh. You mind if I sit with you?

Well, no law against sitting.

You know, if somebody walked in right now,

they'd think we were just two parents looking at our baby.

She does have your eyes.

No, it's not right. I can't do it.