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[PLAYERS SHOUTING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

You know, I didn't wanna say it at the time

'cause I'm trying to be less stuck in my fucking ways...

But?

But I thought it was nuts to change our entire philosophy

and style of play mid-season.

But?

But it's fucking great.

You know, they're having fun, we're having fun,

these folks are having fun. It's a whole bunch of fun.

I haven't seen 22 dudes have this good a time on grass

since I saw the Grateful Dead jamming with the Black Crowes and Phish.

Ooh. I bet that was a tight show.

Oh, it was a mess. But they had fun.

[PLAYERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

- [PLAYER] Beautiful! - [JAMIE] Shoot!

[GRUNTS]

[CHEERING]

Whoo!

- Yeah! Yeah! - [LAUGHING]

Whistle! Whistle!

That's half. Great job.

Whoo! You hear that? Roy said y'all did a great job.

- [YELPS] - [CHUCKLES]

- [PLAYERS LAUGHING, CHEERING] - [ISAAC] Whoo!

Nice shot, mate.

[SIGHS]

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

[SNIFFS, SIGHS] Ay, Chihuahua.

I can't remember which pair is clean and which one is dirty.

You bundle your dirty socks?

Just because they're dirty doesn't mean

they don't deserve to have a friend.

He's right. After all, we're all mates with Richard.

[PLAYERS LAUGHING]

Ha! [CHUCKLES]

[JAN CHUCKLING]

[COLIN] Hey, boyo.

Do you wanna get a beer or something later? Have a chat?

No.

[SNIFFING]

Ay, no. I chose the dirty socks.

Oops. [CHUCKLES]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

So, have you heard from Jack yet?

You know how you're never ever supposed to write another text

to an unanswered text?

[SCOFFS] Of course.

Oh, God. You sent a double text.

[GASPS] So much blue.

I know. [SIGHS]

It's like I got diarrhea of the thumbs or something.

- Oh, come here. [CHUCKLES] - [GRUNTS]

- [KNOCKING] - Uh-oh.

When girl talk turns into girl hug,

you know that either means something horrible's happened

or absolutely nothing at all.

Jack's ghosting Keeley.

- [CLICKS TONGUE] Oh, no. - Hmm.

First, she wants to go on a break,

and now the old digital Irish goodbye.

Mm-mmm-mmm.

Which is a term I never really understood.

'Cause I got a buddy back home named Seamus O'Malley,

and that son of a gun hugs folks goodbye for, like, 20 minutes

before he leaves anywhere.

- Mmm. - [TED] Yeah, sorry to hear about that.

Hey, I did make you some biscuits, you know, just to soften the blow.

Oh, thanks, Ted.

Thank you.

What? [GASPS] There's like 40 quid in here.

I didn't know you were gonna be here till this morning.

No time to do anything special,

so I just tossed a little cash in there.

That is very sweet. Thank you, Ted.

Ain't nothing to it but to do it.

Hey, boss. You mind if I skip the press conference today?

Michelle and I got these parent-teacher meetings I don't wanna miss.

- Of course, Ted. Family first. - I appreciate it.

Ooh, we could have Roy do it.

I know he hates that stuff, but he is really good at it.

I mean, you know, fine by me.

Great idea.

Look at you. Heartbroken, but still kicking butt. [CHUCKLES]

I mean, I'm not heartbroken. It's more like heart-bent.

Ooh, heart-bent. I like that.

It's a great title for a country song. You know, like...

♪ I'm heart-bent in my apartment ♪

♪ 'Cause all that you left was your fart scent ♪

- All right. Goodbye, Ted. - [CHUCKLES]

- ♪ And now that you're gone ♪ - [REBECCA SCOFFS]

♪ I wrote this song ♪ ♪ 'Cause all you left was ♪

♪ The smell of your farts ♪

- [EMPLOYEE] Coach Kent. - Hey.

[KEELEY CHUCKLES]

Oh, speak of the devil.

- Okay. - [KEELEY] Mmm.

- Keeley. - Roy.

So, uh, I need you to fill in for Ted

at today's press conference, if that's okay.

Fuck no.

I mean, why can't Ted do it?

I mean, I'd love to.

Wonderful.

- Shall we? - Mmm.

Fuck.

I heard that.

[JADE] Delivery for Mr. Shelby.

It's Shelley.

Oh, my... I'm so sorry.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I brought you lunch. Figured we'd have it here.

I'm surprised Derek gave you the time off.

He said it was fine.

As long as I brought him back something with a West Ham logo on it.

Well, I can do that. [LAUGHS]

Um. Um, how about...

Oh, there you go. Mouse pad.

Uh... [STRAINING] ... and he can have a scarf.

- Ooh. [LAUGHING] So sorry. There you go. - [CHUCKLES]

Um, the... And there. That's the, uh... the official, um, pro...

And actually, uh, you know... Just don't have that.

I only need one.

Oh. Well, you know, just keep them for next time. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, dang.

You got to his afternoon kiss before I did.

Rupert, hello. Um...

Okay. So, Jade, uh, this is Rupert, my boss.

And, Rupert, this is Jade, my girlfriend.

Well, hello there.

- Hello. [CHUCKLES] - It's worthwhile to meet you.

Jade. What a beautiful name.

Thank you. It's actually short for Jaded.

My mother named me after her favorite aunt.

But I don't care.

Hold on. I-I like to consider myself a bit of a...

an amateur dialectologist.

You are from the south of Poland, right?

- [CHUCKLES] - Yes, I'm from Nowy Sącz.

Oh, would you look at that smile.

Yeah, Jade, if this young man wasn't so brilliant,

I'd say that you are out of his league.

[CHUCKLES]

Mmm. What's that smell?

Oh. Um, Jade, uh, surprised me with lunch.

It's from the Taste of Athens. It's my favorite place.

Ah.

I'm a hostess there.

Which is why it's his favorite place, I would say.

- [CHUCKLES] - [RUPERT] Yeah.

Well, wonderful to meet you, Jade.

[NATHAN CHUCKLES]

And, Nate, mate,

don't screw this up.

No. [CHUCKLES]

Bye, Rupert. [CHUCKLES]

He seems very wealthy. But also nice-like.

Yeah, no, he is. He's... [STAMMERS] He's actually really decent.

Mmm.

Uh, I owe him a lot. So... [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS] Right.

It's so kind of you doing this, you know.

Pardon the interruption, Rebecca.

Um, did you know that Ted wasn't doing his press conference today?

Uh, yes. I asked Roy to fill in.

Ah. That explains it.

Is there a problem?

Um...

That is not what I said, Gary!

I have your quote right here!

You did say it, Coach.

- [COACH BEARD] Stay out of this, Lloyd! - [SARAH] Don't shout at Lloyd.

You said, and I quote,

"Joe Walsh is a better guitarist than Jimmy Page."

- That's what you said. - [REPORTERS CLAMORING]

Fine! I said it!

But what I meant was that Joe Walsh, underrated.

Jimmy Page, overrated!

- [REPORTERS CLAMORING] - I mean, Joe Walsh is a poet.

Jimmy Page is... [STAMMERS]

... a fucking court stenographer on Adderall.

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

Are you out of your mind? Page could beat Walsh with one string.

What do you mean beat him? It's not a competition, man!

It's art, you fucking Neanderthal!

[CLAMORING CONTINUES]

- [HIGGINS] Okay. - Hello!

- Okay, okay. I think this is over. Yeah. - You're suspect!

- Me? - Yeah, you!

Hello! Hello! I...

"Stairway to Heaven" is a glorified

fingering exercise, and you all know it!

[CHUCKLES] So much passion.

I... I can't think of the last time

I was able to be here with all you absolutely... [STAMMERS]

... just brilliant members of the press down here in the pressroom.

So with that in mind, I would love to take some questions.

Come on, absolutely ask me anything.

- Yes, yes. - Uh, Marcus Adebayo, The Independent.

- Hello there, Marcus. How are you? - Very well.

- Good, good. Yes? - Miss Welton,

in your opinion, who's the greatest classic rock guitarist of all time?

[REPORTERS MURMURING]

[EXHALES SHARPLY] Great question.

Ooh.

Uh... [STAMMERS]

- Thank you. Thank you very much. - [REPORTERS CLAMORING]

[SHUDDERS] Sorry about that.

- [CHUCKLES] "The guy from Cream." - Yes, all right!

Don't start with me, Leslie! I... [INHALES DEEPLY] I panicked.

[BREATHES HEAVILY] I'm gonna murder Roy Kent.

Oh, look, Roy not doing press is just Roy being Roy.

Oh, yes. Well, I am sick of Roy being Roy.

Mmm. Mmm.

So, it's time for Rebecca to be Rebecca.

Oh, yes. Absolutely. I couldn't...

Ooh. Yeah. There you go.

Yes! Ooh! [IMITATES EXPLOSION]

No, you get back down there.

Why? I already did my 20, easily.

Yeah. We don't start counting until it hurts.

And that goes for all of you!

Oi! Kent!

Get your hairy arse into my office. Now!

- [PLAYERS MURMURING, CHUCKLING] - [DOOR CLOSES]

[PLAYERS CHUCKLING, WHISTLING] Ooh!

Every single one of you knows my arse isn't hairy.

Yet none of you spoke up.

And I will never forgive you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

He's right. We're cowards.

Now, if she was talking about Richard's butt...

[PLAYERS CLAMORING]

[MUMBLING, BLOWING KISSES]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[PLAYERS CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

So, are folks still dissecting frogs in science class these days

or is it all just talking about the frog's feelings now?

[TEACHER] Honestly? Both.

[MICHELLE] Ms. Ledbetter, is there anything Henry can be doing

to bring up his grade in your class?

Coach, can I...

- Yeah, besides helium. - [MS. LEDBETTER CHUCKLES]

Isaac knows.

That Ted's son is failing science?

Scandal.

- How did he react? - Not good.

He won't talk to me.

Give him a minute.

You shouldn't have to, but some people need it.

Don't forget, you've known you were gay for 20 years.

Much longer than that.

Once I was out of my mum, I never looked back.

[SWALLOWS]

[SIGHING] But I hear you. Thanks, Trent.

Mmm.

Yeah. Hey, but you know what my favorite thing

was about Sir Isaac Newton?

He was so down to Earth. [CHUCKLES]

- [MS. LEDBETTER CHUCKLES] - [MICHELLE] Ted, we need to let her go.

- Yeah, we better go let Ledbetter go. - [MS. LEDBETTER CHUCKLES]

What the fuck is your problem?

Oh, wait, I know this one. You are!

If I ask you to do a press conference, do the fucking press conference.

Okay. Shit. I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was a big deal.

So you just didn't do it?

Is that the plan for the rest of your life?

You're just gonna walk away from everything

the second it isn't fun or easy?

[SIGHS]

What do you want, Roy? Hmm?

What do you really want?

I just want to be left alone.

Oh, bullshit, Roy! You want way more than that!

You're just so convinced

that you don't deserve anything good in your life,

that you'd rather eat a bowl of shit soup

and then complain about the portions.

Get out of your own way, man.

'Cause this whole "woe is me" thing you've got going on

is just fucking ponderous.

Is that all?

Yeah, that's it.

For now.

[SIGHS]

How we looking for tomorrow?

Oh, um, yeah... [CHUCKLES] ... great.

Think we should play without a goalie.

You know, just to give 'em a chance.

I love it when you're cocky.

Oh, baklava.

Oh, yeah. Help y...

- Yeah. - So lovely to meet Kate.

Oh, Jade. It's Jade.

Oh, yes. Of course. Jade. Yeah.

Well, she really enjoyed meeting you.

Nothing better than the love of a woman.

[CROWD SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

Sitting up there but it's just a little bit... We'll get a drink.

Yo. Knock 'em dead, killer.

Well, I hope their kit man remembered to bring 11 body bags. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] Hey, after the match,

let's go for a drink. If you're up for it.

Yeah, that'd be great. Shall I invite Jade?

No, I was thinking it was just the two of us. You know, a guys' night.

Oh, yeah. [STAMMERS] That'd be lovely. I mean... I mean, cool.

[RUPERT] Right, let's go blow some bubbles.

[ARLO] Across town, West Ham are hoping to stay top of the table

- against Southampton. - [EXHALES SHARPLY]

While here at Nelson Road, the red-hot Greyhounds face Brighton.

Color red tops off at about 800 centigrade, Arlo.

The way Richmond are playing,

a more accurate description would be yellow-hot.

- [BAR PATRONS CHATTERING] - Thank you for correcting me, Chris,

and next time feel free to wait until we're off air.

What's this?

We're so full we ran out of pint glasses. [CHUCKLES]

Bottoms up.

♪ Bringing in the money ♪ [CHUCKLES]

That tastes better.

[ARLO] The denizens of the Dogtrack have seen

their Greyhounds race up the table of late.

The air is filled with an unfamiliar confidence

of another trip to the winners' circle.

- Leslie, did you just text me? - I did.

- I'm sitting right here. - I see that now.

Oh, it's Jack.

- She's saying that she's in Argentina... - [SCOFFS]

... for the next couple of months.

Ouch.

Well, I think our break is actually an "up."

So now that Jack is officially my ex,

please feel free to say any of the things

that you didn't like about her.

- Well... - Ooh.

Her handshake was way too firm.

You know... [GROANING]

I get it. You're friendly. [CHUCKLES, MUTTERS]

Good riddance.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[THIERRY] All right, yo. Let's do this, man.

Go get 'em, Captain.

Isaac.

All right, fellas, here we go. Focus up. Focus up, y'all.

Coach, who we got today?

Brighton and Hove Albion.

Brighton, Hove and Albion. I didn't know we were playing a law firm.

[PLAYERS CHUCKLING]

Okay, let's bring it in. Here we go!

[PLAYERS APPLAUDING, CLAMORING]

[TED] Go ahead, Captain. Count us off.

Richmond on C. A, B, C!

[ALL] Richmond!

[PLAYERS APPLAUDING, CLAMORING]

[ARLO] Brighton have something going here,

until that heavy touch by Cooke.

Oh, no! A thoughtless poke by McAdoo

and a Richmond goal kick becomes a Brighton corner.

- [CHRIS] McAdoo lost concentration there. - [PATRONS GROANING]

[ARLO] An uncharacteristic mistake from the captain.

Well done, McAdoo, you fucking numpty!

[ARLO] Some of the Richmond fans

letting McAdoo have a piece of their minds.

The corner comes in.

And the keeper collects.

Yes, Zoreaux. Yes, good take, man.

It's actually Van Damme.

[ARLO] Van Damme's been a commanding presence, Chris.

[CHRIS] Just like in the movie Timecop,

where he does the splits twice.

Richmond with possession.

Hughes has the ball. He's looking for space.

It's not there. He passes back to Maas.

No! Cooke steps in, and Brighton are off.

[PLAYERS SHOUTING]

- [ARLO] And just like that... - Fuck!

- ... Joey Miller puts Brighton up 1-nil. - Shoot.

- [CROWD CLAMORING] - Oh, for fuck's sake! Fucking hell!

[ARLO] Is this the beginning of the end of Richmond's hot streak?

- What the fuck, bruv? - What?

- Their fucking goal's over there. - Oh, right, yeah.

Fucking fix up. Don't fucking walk away from me.

- Relax. - Their fucking goal's over there.

[ARLO] McAdoo is furious,

- remonstrating with Hughes for his error. - Wait? What?

- Don't fucking walk away from me! - [ARLO] Obisanya defuses the situation,

- but McAdoo remains incandescent. - Fuck!

- We have time. Come on! - [ARLO] My word.

Richmond asking plenty of questions in the first half

but haven't been able to put anything into Brighton's net.

As we enter one minute of stoppage time,

the Seagulls would be thrilled to go into the locker room

leading by a goal to nil.

Any thoughts, Chris?

[CHRIS] Seagulls are wretched creatures

who'll steal your car keys right off your beach towel.

[PATRONS CLAMORING]

[ARLO] Richmond's starting to click.

This is the crisp ball movement we've come to expect from them.

Oh, this is slick. One-touch passing around the area.

Rojas is in.

- Oh! Smothered by Brighton. - [CROWD GASPING, GROANING]

- [WHISTLE BLOWS] - [ARLO] And that's the half.

Brighton's up 1-nil, but it's still anyone's game.

[FAN 1, SINGSONGY] Same old Richmond. Still a shit show.

You're absolutely rubbish!

Stop passing the ball around and bloody do something!

You're a disgrace to the badge!

You're all playing like a bunch of fucking fa...

[CROWD CLAMORING]

- What the fuck did you say to me? - What?

- What did you fucking say to me? - [CROWD CLAMORING]

[ARLO] Isaac McAdoo has jumped the wall and charged into the seats.

- This is unbelievable. - Oh, my God.

- I dare you to fucking say it again! - [ARLO] He appears to be

in a confrontation with one of the Richmond supporters.

Thataway, McAdoo. Get him.

Hang on. He's one of ours.

Say that word again!

You leave it!

- Say that fucking word again! - Isaac!

- [WHISTLE BLOWS] - Number five!

Fuck's sake.

- [ALL GROANING] - The captain, man.

[ARLO] It's an obvious red card. McAdoo clearly has to go.

[CHRIS] Roy Kent as the voice of reason. What a world.

- [ISAAC] Fuck's sakes. - [CROWD CLAMORING]

Good lad. Oi!

Get him the fuck out of here!

- [CROWD JEERING] - What?

[ARLO] After all hell broke loose, halftime finally gets underway,

and the Greyhounds have much to discuss.

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

- [DOOR CLOSES] - [ISAAC BREATHING HEAVILY]

[DOOR CLOSES]

All right, no one's gonna say nothing? Sure, no, I'll kick it off.

Isaac, what the hell happened?

[BREATHES SHAKILY] One of our fans said some ignorant shit!

Okay. Okay, what... [STAMMERS] what'd they say?

- I... I heard it. - [TED] Okay.

He said the f-word.

- Fuck? - No, the other f-word.

- [PLAYERS] Oh. - Oh, fuck.

[PLAYERS MURMURING]

If it helps, the fan has been removed.

And I apologize for my dad.

- [PLAYER GROANS] - [CHUCKLES]

Sorry, not the time for jokes.

Um, read the room, Leslie. [SCOFFS]

Okay. Okay, I get it. I get it. I... Um...

Isaac, look. What that guy said? Inexcusable. All right?

But, man... [CHUCKLES]

... your reaction to it ain't gonna be taught

in any Tibetan monasteries anytime soon.

- You know what I'm saying? - Yeah, now we're one man down.

Yeah, Isaac, come on, man. It's nothing we haven't heard before.

[PLAYERS CLAMORING]

Exactly. It's just poopy. Ignore it, man.

Ignore it?

I don't want to fucking ignore it.

What if one of us is gay? Huh?

We shouldn't have to deal with this shit!

[HUFFS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

All right.

- I... I got it. - Yeah, yeah.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

- [MOUTHING WORDS] - [SOFTLY] You think I should have it?

[MUMBLES]

No, get out, Roy. I don't... I don't need you to come in here.

Just leave me alone. Just fuck off, yeah?

I fucked it up. Just fucking fuck off. Just leave me alone.

I don't need you to start yelling at me.

I'm not here to yell at you.

[SIGHS]

What the fuck was that all about?

- [PLAYER 1] I don't know. - [PLAYERS MURMURING]

Colin, do you... do you know?

Guys, it's pretty obvious.

Isaac's gay, right?

- Oh. - [PLAYERS MURMURING]

[JAN] Well, statistically speaking,

10% of the population is homosexual.

So it's not that surprising.

So there are probably more people in this room who are gay.

[PLAYERS MURMURING]

- [CLICKS TONGUE] I'm flattered. - [PLAYERS CHUCKLING]

Guys... Guys, we don't need to discuss this any further, okay?

All Isaac needs now is our support.

- [PLAYERS MURMURING] - [PLAYER 2] Yeah. That's our captain.

[TED] All right, fellas, let's focus on the second half.

- Now, what we got... - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.

Isaac's not gay.

I don't know what happened out there,

but I do know whatever it was isn't what you're really angry about.

Is it?

[SIGHS]

So then trust me.

You got to go deal with that...

or you're gonna fuck up whatever it is you actually do care about.

[WILL] He's right, you know.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

The little things we get mad about are like snowflakes on a mountain.

And if we wait too long, then we're just one sneeze away

from an avalanche that will kill us all.

Thank you, Will.

- You want some bubble gum? - Don't push it.

[WILL MUMBLES]

[PLAYERS MURMURING]

[SIGHS] So, we cool?

- [BUMBERCATCH] Of course. - [PLAYERS MURMURING]

- Yeah. - Of course. It's cool.

- [DANI] Yeah, yeah. Yes, amigo. - A thousand percent.

You're gay, big whoop. But we don't care. Right, guys?

- [PLAYERS MURMURING] Yeah. Yeah. - [JAN] All good, bro.

[STAMMERS] Now, hold on. [STAMMERING] Hold on, actually.

[STAMMERS] Colin, we do care, you know.

When I was growing up back in Kansas City,

I had a buddy named Stevey Jewell.

Now, he was a huge Denver Broncos fan.

But we were all growing up smack dab in the middle of Chiefs country.

So he used to catch a lot of guff for it, you know?

But me? Me, I-I told him it didn't affect the way

I felt about him at all, you know?

I told him that I "didn't care."

[STAMMERS] And I didn't, you know.

But then in 19s... what, '97, '98,

he had to watch back-to-back Super Bowls with the Denver Broncos in 'em

all by himself.

First one, he ate an entire seven-layer dip

from Price Chopper all by himself.

Big ol' thing. And it just wrecked his stomach.

Apparently, he destroyed the toilet in his parents' basement.

[STAMMERS] I remember the rumor at the time being

- that he caused $9,000 worth of damage. - [PLAYER EXCLAIMS]

Could you imagine? To a toilet. 9,000 bucks.

The next year, he did the exact same thing. [CHUCKLES]

All by himself.

He must have thought it was good luck or something. I don't know.

'Cause I wasn't there. 'Cause I "didn't care."

But I should've cared. You know?

I should've supported him.

I-I should've been at his house both them years.

Sharing that seven-layer dip with my friend

while his garbage-ass team wins back-to-back Super Bowls.

Coach, did you just compare being gay to being a Denver Broncos fan?

You know what? I did, and I regret it. Yeah. Sorry about that.

[PLAYERS MURMURING]

What the fuck are Denver Broncos?

- [TED] No, that's a very good question. - Oh, for fuck's sake.

It's an American football reference,

an absolute fumble in this situation.

I apologize. Yeah. Okay.

But... [STAMMERS] ... the point is, Colin...

we don't not care.

We care very much.

We care about who you are and what you must've been going through.

Yeah?

But hey, from now on,

you don't have to go through it all by yourself.

- [PLAYERS MURMURING] - [TED] All right?

Yeah. You hear that? You got us, mate. We got you.

Okay, well, look. Hey. I hate to bring up work in a moment like this,

but we do have a second half of a match to play.

Coach, what we got?

Playing a man down. What do we do differently?

[PLAYERS] Absolutely nothing!

- [CHEERING, CHATTERING] - Let's go. Let's go, baby.

[COLIN] Let's go.

[TED] Okay, okay. All right. Captain, count us off.

Oh, wow. That's me, yes. Um, okay.

[SIGHS, STAMMERS] I don't know what to say. Um...

[STAMMERS] I'm honored to be your captain.

And, um, you know, I-I love you guys so very much.

On three. One, two, three.

[ALL] I love you guys so very much!

[CHEERING, CLAMORING]

- [EXHALES DEEPLY] - Better or worse than you imagined?

Uh, second-best way it could've gone, I think.

Best way being the entire team confesses that they're gay too,

and we get to be on the cover of Oprah's magazine.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Hmm.

[PHONE CHIMES]

Cracking match, Coach.

Oh. Yeah. Oh, thank you, Roger.

Hey, a few of us are getting a pint. Care to join us?

Sounds good but, um,

I'm actually going for a drink with Rupert tonight.

- [ROGER] Oh. - Just the two of us, so...

Are you in trouble?

Wh... No, no. It's just like, um, guys' night, so...

Cool. Maybe next time?

Yeah.

- [CROWD CHEERING] - [WHISTLE BLOWS]

- Yes! - [JAMIE] Yes!

- [ARLO] And Richmond have done it. - Yes!

- How about that? - Well done, sir.

[ARLO] They complete the comeback for a thrilling two-one win...

- I love you so much, man. - ... behind an inspirational turn

from Colin Hughes.

- Come on! - [ARLO] Assisting both goals...

- Yeah! - [HIGGINS] Whoo!

[ARLO] ... in a man-of-the-match performance.

[CHRIS] Wow, Hughes was sensational, Arlo.

- After being benched earlier this season... - [CHANTING] AFC Richmond!

- AFC Richmond! - [CHRIS] ... back in the starting lineup,

and today, the Welshman played like a man reborn.

[PLAYERS CHEERING]

A goal down, a man down,

the Greyhounds scored twice in the second half.

Both assisted by an inspired Colin Hughes.

But the real fireworks were at halftime

when Richmond's captain, Isaac McAdoo,

went into the stands to attack one of their own fans.

In fairness, I wanted to do that a few times myself, Jeff.

Yeah, but you didn't, Clinton, 'cause you're not a psychopath like McAdoo.

- Now, George, you don't know what... - Oh, no... Jeff. Jeff, come on.

You do not go into the stands. I don't care what was said.

That is a line you do not cross.

And that's why McAdoo wasn't captain when I was there.

'Cause he's not fit for it.

I mean, come on. He makes Roy Kent look like Bambi.

- [ALL CHUCKLE] - He's an idiot, isn't he? Come on.

- McAdoo doing that. - Yes.

- What was he thinking? - He's in big trouble.

Guy probably deserved it though, right?

- Absolutely. - No doubt.

I hope his kids shiv him in his sleep.

What? He used to come in here.

He was a dick to my niece, Claire, once.

- No way. - Not Claire.

Fucking prick!

Moving over to east London,

the Wonder Kid's West Ham took care of business at home.

- [CLUB MUSIC PLAYING] - [PATRONS CHATTERING]

[RUPERT CHUCKLES] And then... And then he... he came in after me.

[PERSON CHUCKLES]

Hey, Rupert.

- You all right? - Hey, Nathan.

Let me introduce, uh, Kelsie and, uh, Libby.

- No. [STUTTERS] The other way around. - Uh...

- Oh. [CHUCKLES] - The other way.

[RUPERT, LIBBY, KELSIE CHUCKLING]

Well, I'm still Rupert. [CHUCKLES]

And this is Nathan Shelley, the Wonder Kid.

[CHUCKLES] Hey, you all right?

- Hi. - Hey.

So, uh, the girls will be joining us tonight.

Shall we?

Ooh. Yum, yum, yum.

- Thought it was a guys' night, Rupert. - Ooh.

Well, yes. Trust me, it is.

Oscar. [DISTORTED] We're off to the private room.

Couple of bottles of champagne, please.

Um, actually, Rupert.

I'm so sorry, uh, I need to leave.

Um, long story.

I wanted to come and tell you in person.

Ooh.

Congratulations, Ted. That's eight wins in a row.

Oh, come on now, Trent.

You know I don't care about winning or losing.

- [BLOWS RASPBERRY] - [SCOFFS]

No, the truth is, only way I could be happier

is if my arm-feet were covered in barbecue sauce. [CHUCKLES]

How you feeling about the win streak, Roy?

[GROANS] No way. Do not come near me with that shit.

- You never talk about a streak. - Um. Mmm.

My grandparents were happily married for 51 years

'cause they never said a fucking word to each other. Scram.

Well done, gentlemen. Congrats.

Mmm.

Another one.

Oh, boy. Higgins hitting us with his DJ Khaled impression. Nice.

Who?

- Parallel thinking. - Apparently so.

The press is ready for you, Ted. It's a big one.

Mmm. That's what that lady from the American Office said.

Okay, I'll be right there.

Okay.

[TED] Mmm.

[REPORTERS CHATTERING]

- He's on his way. - Thank you, Leslie.

You gave Ted some talking points?

No. I haven't done that in a long time.

Oh, God.

[STAMMERS]

[ROY GRUNTS]

[CHATTERING STOPS]

Yeah. All right. [SIGHS] You got me today.

Any questions?

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

Fucking hell.

You. Five-o'clock-shadow head.

Coach Kent, do you or the organization

condone what Isaac McAdoo did today?

What a stupid fucking question.

- [REPORTERS CHUCKLING] - [ROY] Course we don't.

What Isaac did was awful. He was lucky he only got a red card.

Okay. So why'd he do it?

[CHUCKLES]

When I was first coming up through Sunderland,

there was an old-timer on the team. Local guy.

He and his wife were about to have their first kid,

so during training one day,

I made a joke that, statistically, I was probably the real dad.

And the boys fell about laughing, but he went fucking nuts.

He battered me. Properly.

I had a black eye, chipped tooth, three broken ribs.

I couldn't play for six games.

He got booted off the team.

After that, no club would go near him.

Then in the summer, after I could breathe again,

I bumped into him in a pub.

And I got the chance to say sorry for my stupid fucking joke.

And he got to tell me... [SWALLOWS]

- ... he and his wife had lost the baby... - [REPORTERS GROANING]

... a month before all that went down.

He hadn't told anyone. Kept it all inside.

Look, I get that some people think if they buy a ticket,

they've got the right to yell whatever

abusive shit they want at footballers.

But they're not just footballers. They're also people.

And none of us know what is going on in each other's lives.

So for Isaac to do what he did today,

even though it was wrong...

I give him love.

And as for why he did what he did...

that's none of my fucking business.

- Next question. - [REPORTERS CLAMORING]

Yeah, New Trent.

[CHUCKLES] Uh, Coach, let's talk about Colin Hughes.

Yeah, he's a hell of a player and a great man.

I think we've underused him.

- [MARCUS] I think you're right. - Glad we agree.

- I prefer you to Old Trent. - [REPORTERS CHUCKLING]

- [ROY] Next question. - [REPORTERS CLAMORING]

["ALL THAT YOU ARE" PLAYING]

[ROY] You. Goblin King, go.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hey.

Hey.

What happened to guys' night?

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Hey.

You lied to me.

For years.

What is it about me that made you think you couldn't tell me?

[STAMMERS] No, it was nothing to do with you.

[SIGHS] It was about me.

I was 99% sure that you'd support me.

But the 1% chance that you wouldn't scared the shit out of me.

I don't know how you did it. I can't keep a secret for shit.

I know. Another reason I didn't tell you.

I mean, I hid it from people for years,

and the second you find out, I didn't last a month.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[CHUCKLES] I'm sorry, bruv.

You gonna tell everyone now?

No.

The team knows. And that's enough for me.

And no one's gonna say shit.

I promise.

Hmm. Wanna come in?

Yeah, all right.

Come on.

["I AM WHAT I AM" PLAYING]

[ISAAC] Is "top or bottom" sex positions or sleeping arrangements?

[COLIN] Sexual positions.

Unless bunk beds are involved. Then it's both.

Would you ever shag a woman?

No, I'm gay.

I know, but what if you had to?

- 1967 Raquel Welch. - My man.

[CHUCKLES]

- Who's the fittest guy on the team? - I won't tell you, and you'd never guess.

- Bumbercatch. - Yes.

What about team showers? How does that work?

Uh, I keep my head down, and I think of global warming.

Yeah, well, if I had to shower with a bunch of girls all the time,

- I'd defo get boners. - [CHUCKLES]

I love you, boyo.

You can't say it, can you?

No.

But you know I do, yeah?

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.MY-SUBS.com -