Original subtitles

The Pentagon, Washington, DC,

heart and nerve center of our national defense.

Swamped by the gigantic task

of classifying, assigning and recalling thousands of soldiers,

man has turned to the machine.

Take the process of recalling reserve officers.

Department of the army classification cards

for several hundred military personnel

may be placed in the classification machine,

and in the space of a few seconds

the person best suited for a specific assignment will be selected.

Once the officer is selected,

the recall procedure is swift and unerring.

Oh, uh...

Tommy, you got anything there for me?

Yeah. Here's a telegram, Mr. Stirling.

Telegram?

I hope there's nothing wrong with Aunt Ethel.

She's not feeling very well.

Yeah?

Oh, good! It's not from Aunt Ethel.

It's from Washington. DC!

Gee, who do you know in Washington?

Oh, connections, connections.

Well...

Hey, I won't go! I won't go!

Bad news, Mr. Stirling?

I... I'm a retread!

You're a what?

A retread! The Army, they're calling me back in the Army.

Gee! Are things that bad?

Yeah, I...

Well, they can't do this to me!

They can't do this to me!

If they want me, they're gonna have to come and get me, that's all!

They're gonna have to come and get me...

...No, I won't go! You wait and see!

You... They won't... They won't take me! Ha!

You wait and see. I won't go!

Hey, Francis! Francis!

It... It's me! Francis! Francis!

Hey, Francis! Hey, Francis, it's me!

It's me, Petey!

Uh... Hey, wait, wait! Don't... Don't go away!

Wait! Wait!

Francis, I...

Well, I'll be darned!

I could've sworn you were Francis!

Why, you're not even a mule!

Do you always talk to horses?

Huh? Oh, no, sir, just the mules.

My bags! My bags! Hey, wait!

Wait! Help me to stop it!

I... I beg your pardon, sir.

I really, I... I'm terribly sorry, sir.

I had no idea that you...

That... No, really. Really, sir...

Why, you're not a sir. You're a lady.

Fortunately for you.

I... I mean, you're a WAC.

Oh, well... Well, anyway, I beg your pardon, madam.

Uh, young lady, uh, Captain...

All right, Lieutenant, you got your laugh.

Uh, but, no, really, I...

That's the prettiest soldier I've ever seen.

Board!

My bag! Wait.

Porter! Porter! Uh...

Oh!

Oh! Oh, it's you again!

And your aim is getting better.

Oh, thank you! I mean, no. No, no.

Well, what I mean is, well, you see,

the door was closed, I had to get my bag off somehow.

On my head?

Well, I didn't know it was your head. Besides, I...

Hey, wait a minute! Hey, stop the train, will you?

Wait a second!

Oh!

Oh.

I'm... I'm very sorry, madam. I...

Are you all right, Captain?

Oh!

Oh, fine! Just fine!

Now, really, just... Just an accident!

Really, I... I'm terribly sorry, madam.

I mean, young... Captain,

I'm really... I'm very sorry. I...

Oh!

Now, really, I... At ease, Sergeant, at ease.

Okay, Lieutenant. Okay. I saw the whole thing.

Well, then you know it was an accident.

Sure, but you gotta leave the girl some pride, Lieutenant, some pride.

Corporal McDonald will take care of your transportation, Lieutenant.

Well, thank you. Oh, uh, my luggage, though. I got...

Oh, we'll get it, if that WAC captain hasn't chewed it up.

You're the prettiest soldier I've ever seen.

Oh!

Ahem!

Ahem!

Just a minute, ma'am.

Uh, I was told I could get transportation to...

Well, now, please, don't crowd in. The lady's first.

What happened to her?

Where'd that WAC go? What WAC?

Look, I'm Lieutenant Peter Stirling. Do you mind?

Yes, sir. Here you are, Lieutenant.

All in one piece.

He, uh, wants transportation.

Well, give it to him.

Lieutenant, give these to the jeep driver behind the station.

He'll take you to your outfit.

Thank you.

I thought I'd seen everything.

Papers seem to be in order.

Washington sent him.

George or Martha?

Being transferred in.

"Off Limits."

Must be a highly secret assignment.

Sure must be!

All right, sir.

This is it, Lieutenant.

Thank you very much.

I wonder what kind of work it is.

It shouldn't be hard to take.

Hmm, that's quite a large female personnel.

Small ones, too. All sizes.

Uh...

This organization, is it, uh...

Oh, no, couldn't be.

Is something bothering you, Lieutenant?

Huh? Well it looks like a WAC area.

It should. It is.

Oh, is that so?

The WACs! Me in the WACs!

Now, what's... What's going on here?

Now you wait here! I'm gonna find...

Good afternoon, Lieutenant. Sightseeing?

I would like some information.

My name is Lieutenant Stirling.

What?

Oh.

For a minute there you had me.

We were expecting someone by that name.

A camouflage expert.

Well, my name is Stirling,

but, uh, I don't know anything about camouflage.

Of course, it's not you. You're Lieutenant Peter Stirling.

Yes, that's right.

We were expecting a Bunny Stirling,

who is a camouflage expert.

Oh, I see.

May I talk to your commanding officer, please?

Yes?

Lieutenant Stirling has arrived.

Oh, wonderful! I'll be with her in a minute.

"Her"?

I told you we were expecting a Lieutenant Stirling.

Yeah, but not me, you weren't!

Welcome to the WAC.

Anything wrong?

Well, there seems to be a mistake, Major.

Mistake? What do you mean?

Did the new officer report in?

That's her.

Him.

He?

He's not a she!

Oh. Good afternoon, Major.

Would you mind stepping into my office, Lieutenant?

What's going on, Captain?

I was about to ask that same question.

He's your retread, Major Simpson.

He?

Lieutenant Stirling.

"Peter Stirling."

Now I understand why our retread wasn't on that train.

A terrible mistake has been made.

They sent us a... A man?

Good heavens, I certainly stipulated I wanted a WAC officer!

I guess the words "overseas experience" confused them.

Make out a request for transfer

and get him out of this area.

Check Post Headquarters.

They can put him up until we get rid of him.

Yes, Major.

Well, Lieutenant.

How does it feel to be a WAC?

Now just a minute, this... This is a mistake!

Uh, isn't it?

I'm afraid you don't quite fit our physical standard.

Well, naturally not. A man in the WACs.

What do you mean by that?

Uh, I just meant it's funny, that's all. The WACs.

If there's anything funny about it,

it's some of you men who make it so.

Despite your amusement,

we prefer to think of women in uniform

as a serious business. Yeah, but, I didn't mean...

Your masculine ego refuses to admit that...

That the Women's Army Corps can serve any place

but in kitchens or for clerical work! Isn't that so?

I didn't say that. That's what you meant!

Lieutenant Stirling.

For the moment, you've been assigned to us.

Thinking it over,

it might be very nice to have a man around the company.

Yeah, well...

Yes, yes, to help us helpless women.

As a hardened combat vet,

you'll no doubt put us poor women to shame,

but, uh, we'll try to keep up with you.

Now, now, now, really, sir. I, uh, madam.

I, no, Captain, I think... I think the WACs are wonderful.

They're... They're just wonderful in their place.

In our place!

Yes, in your place, I think you're just...

Yes, Corporal Hilstrom?

Post billets are all filled, ma'am.

Well, Guest Bungalow Six is unoccupied.

You can put him in there.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh, what does she mean, "uh-oh"?

Is anything wrong?

No, ma'am, not yet.

But it's a start.

What did she mean?

Need I explain? Uh-huh.

Well, Lieutenant, in the course of your duties with us,

you'll be in contact with the women of this battalion.

You will avoid any incident.

Uh, incident?

Oh, good heavens, Lieutenant, you had combat in Burma.

Weren't there any Burmese girls there?

Oh, yes, yes. They used to sell us things.

I can imagine. Yeah, uh-huh.

I used to take some of them home with me.

You did? Oh, yes.

The cutest little wood carvings.

You know, in those little... Little monkeys that...

You may go now, Lieutenant.

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, uh, where?

You will be assigned the duties of a WAC officer.

You mean, I'm a WAC?

Until you've had a change of assignment, yes.

Dismissed! I just...

Well. A WAC.

Fancy earmuffs.

What am I doin' in the WACs?

That's a logical question.

I... Who said that?

Your old, furry cousin. 1000 pounds of loveable mule

on the hoof. Mmm-hmm.

Well, Francis!

Francis! It couldn't be!

Says you. Well, then it was you on the train!

Yeah.

Boy, am I glad to see you!

Lieutenant, please!

What kind of an indoctrination are they giving you?

Oh, I'm in terrible trouble.

Well, that figures.

Me, Peter Stirling, in the WACs.

I'm in and they won't let me out!

I don't wanna be a WAC!

Oh, simmer down, Petey boy, that's why I'm here.

I heard the classification machine

at the Pentagon went snafu

and tapped you for duty with the ladies

of the Army Corps. Well...

Oh, so that's how it happened?

And it only could happen to you.

Yeah. Yeah, well, you did come to get me out?

What a fate! Wet nurse to an upper-class shavetail!

For this I had to get myself transferred

to the medical research lab on this post.

I'm checkin' in in the morning.

Oh, that's wonderful!

Wonderful? Yeah!

They needed a guinea pig to try their injections on.

So, shake hands with the guinea pig. Me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Francis.

Yeah, but you are gonna help me out, aren't ya?

Well, I won't be able to sit for a while

and I hate to stand around doing nothing.

Oh, thanks, Francis. Thanks a million!

Oh, Pete, cut that out!

What's that? Shh!

Sounds like retreat to me.

For you.

Oh, uh, excuse me. Is there, uh, is something wrong?

We heard voices. You are supposed to be alone.

Oh. Well, there's no one here but me.

That's what we were told.

Oh, uh, believe me, there's no one in it!

What about this?

There's no one in that, either.

Now, if... If I need you, I'll call you.

I will. I'll call you.

Francis? Francis! Oh.

That's Bungalow Six, Lieutenant.

Thanks, Sergeant.

But are you sure the OD didn't say Quarter Six?

She said six something.

I'll worry about it tomorrow when I'm not so sleepy.

Good night.

Oh, I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I thought...

Please, don't... Don't scream!

Please, please, don't scream.

What are you doing here?

I really am very sorry. I...

Shh!

Help! Help! I... Help!

I'm sorry.

Alone, huh?

Now... Now I know what you're thinking,

but it's not so. Honestly!

You'd better come with us. Get dressed.

Now... Now I know what you're thinking!

But it's not so, honestly!

Now I know what you're thinking, but it's not so, honestly.

You can wait outside. I'll get your report later.

Now I know what you're thinking, but it's not so...

Lieutenant, I want the truth.

Now, really it was... It was nothing!

Nothing? Yes.

Two incidents in one night? Your first night here?

Well, now, believe me, I...

Uh, two incidents?

What was... What was the first one?

Then you admit there was a second?

Uh, yeah, no, ma'am. I just thought

the second one was the first one.

Well, we won't discuss the order of your romances.

You were distinctly heard speaking to someone

before Lieutenant Dickson arrived. Who was the other girl?

Uh, it wasn't any girl.

It had to be a girl.

There are hundreds of them stationed in this area.

Nothing but girls.

Not one girl was in my bungalow. Not... Not one.

What about Lieutenant Dickson?

Well, I was there before she was!

That didn't give you the privilege of making advances to her.

Why, I didn't. Why, I didn't.

Don't tell me, she screamed because you didn't make advances.

Yes, ma'am. Uh, no, ma'am!

I don't know what I mean!

If your motives were so pure,

why didn't you immediately contact the OD

and notify her of the mistake?

Well, I couldn't. The lieutenant was getting undressed.

You... You saw her undressing?

No, ma'am. I shut my eyes.

Then how do you know she was getting undressed?

I don't know!

I... I just thought she might be, that's all, I...

Well, uh, you gotta...

You gotta take your clothes off to get into bed, don't you?

I... Now I'm all confused.

I shouldn't wonder.

Lieutenant Stirling, your records arrived here this afternoon.

They were very interesting.

Need any help, toots?

What did you say?

Hmm? I... I didn't say anything.

If you get stuck, you can spend the night with me in the stable.

Lieutenant, you must fancy yourself a veritable Don Juan!

Who? No, no, not me!

I know your type, Lieutenant.

You get into trouble and try to talk yourself into a psycho ward.

You've been in trouble before.

Twenty-seven times in neuro-psychiatric retention!

That's really gold-bricking.

Well, I tried to tell 'em...

I can see right here what you tried to tell them,

that a mule talked to you.

They didn't believe me. And neither would [!

So don't pull any of that mule hanky-panky around here!

Yes, sir. I mean, no, sir. I mean, yes, ma'am!

For lack of clear-cut evidence,

I will not press charges against you

but let me make one thing quite plain,

until you are transferred out,

you are a WAC officer!

You will think as we do and do as we do.

Everything? Everything!

Come on! Come on!

Come on, we gotta play...

One, two, three!

One, one, one, two, three!

One, one, one, two, three!

One, one!

One, two, three!

One, one!

One, two, three!

Platoon, halt!

Ma'am, C Company is formed.

Extend to the left. March!

Uh, good morning, Captain.

I'm supposed to report to Company C.

The Second Platoon leader is ill. You may fall in there.

There?

Fall in.

You are at attention.

Lieutenant Burke, take over, please.

Yes, ma'am!

Prepare to exercise! Move!

Lieutenant.

Lieutenant! Prepare to exercise.

Move!

Our first exercise

is the double arm swing and leg lift.

Leg lift.

Exercise begins!

Forward, and lift!

And two, and right!

And three, and left!

And four.

Our Don Juan doesn't look so Don Juan-îsh in the morning.

Oh.

This certainly isn't going to help the morale of your Second Platoon, Jane.

Oh, that wouldn't matter, Louise.

Maybe it would be better to drop the Second Platoon

out of the camouflage operation entirely,

rather than risk their making a bad showing.

We can't go in with just two platoons.

General Kaye and all of G3 know

we've been training a full company in camouflage.

How would it look if we admitted failure?

Our cause would be lost before we started.

Three and four!

And five and six!

And seven.

And eight, and...

What's the matter, Lieutenant, out of condition?

Yeah. No, an old back injury.

Looks as if a new one has been added.

And four!

Well, you see, when I took my basic training,

we didn't have to be acrobats.

Oh, I see. You men went in for the rugged things, no doubt.

Oh, yes. Obstacle course and that sort of thing, you know,

scale that wall, jump that hurdle and...

And climb that landing net...

You mean Confidence Course, Lieutenant.

We WACs don't use it.

Yeah, well, it is pretty strenuous.

It wasn't meant for women.

And...

I'm sure the women would appreciate it

if you'd show them how it's done sometime.

Fine!

Maybe I could even get a few volunteers to help you.

Wonderful. Uh, me?

Yes, you, Lieutenant. Fall in.

And four, and five,

and six, and seven.

We'll show him!

Come on, get up! Get up quick! Yeah!

Attention!

Fall out!

Swimming at this hour of the morning? Come here!

Francis, I...

Hey, Pete, come here!

On the double!

Francis, that was a dirty trick!

Oh?

What are you doing here? Haven't you reported in yet?

Yeah, but how I gotta figure a way to get out.

Yeah, me too.

They've been cutting me to pieces all morning!

Oh? What are you looking at, Pete?

Francis? Yours? Huh?

Flatterer.

Come here, cousin. Come here. What?

Do you know what Major Simpson's pet project is, huh?

No. Camouflage!

Camouflage, that's a man's job.

Uh, since when?

Every beauty parlor is a camouflage installation. Yeah.

Well, I never thought of that.

Neither did General Kaye!

General Kaye? Uh-huh.

Why, you don't mean old Ben Kaye, hero of the Burma Road?

Yep.

Well, what's he got to do with all of this?

Everything. He's in G3 at the Pentagon!

And he's trying to booby-trap

the WAC's whole camouflage training plan!

Yeah! That's why he suddenly whipped up

this here demonstration!

What demonstration?

A camouflage operation in the field,

in two weeks.

Major Simpson's WACs against a company of combat veterans!

And our "Burma Hero" is bringing along reporters and congressmen

to laugh the girls right out of their camouflage suits!

Yeah. Yeah.

Now what are they all gonna think

when they see a man in the WACs?

Francis, I just gotta get out of this!

Ooh! Easy, boy.

They snuck up on me with a square needle.

I'm sorry, Francis, I forgot.

They didn't waste any time.

And I'd suggest you don't either.

Hey!

There's a shortcut to the finish line over yonder!

Okay.

Now, that wouldn't be fair.

All is fair in love and war.

Get going!

Well, that girl is way ahead of me, isn't she?

Mmm-hmm, there is the understatement of the year.

Come on! Mmm!

Congratulations! Thank you.

Good work.

Are you all right, Lieutenant? Yeah, I'm... Oh, yeah!

Yes, I, uh...

I just misjudged the height a little, that's all. Oh!

Oh, well.

Well, that's not all I misjudged. You WACs are terrific.

You know, I have to admit that it really wasn't very fair.

You see, Private Wilson was an Olympic Champion.

Oh. Well, I'm glad to know that she's human.

I thought she might be a new secret weapon!

Oh. Here, here, lean on my shoulder.

Oh, thank you.

I'm, uh, glad to know you WAC officers are human, too.

What do you mean?

Oh, I thought you were hard as nails. You're really very soft underneath.

I mean, underneath. Uh, uh, way underneath.

The real you,

that, that's what I mean!

Well, our complexities won't puzzle you much longer, Lieutenant.

I'm sure Major Simpson will expedite your transfer.

Oh, I'm not a bit puzzled.

I understand why you're all so sensitive.

I suppose General Kaye's attitude does get you on edge.

What do you know about General Kaye?

Oh, I sure hope you surprise him

when you have your big camouflage operation.

Hey, Captain Parker, I... Captain Parker, I got a wonderful idea!

Now that we're friends,

what do you say we both go to the Post dance together tonight?

Huh?

Uh... Hmm.

Francis was right,

every WAC is a woman. Except me.

But it's impossible!

General Kaye just informed us of the field operation!

No one knows about It here but you and me! And General Kaye.

The old fox!

I didn't think he'd stoop to it,

but the evidence leads to only one conclusion!

Lieutenant Stirling was sent here by General Kaye.

To snoop! Check!

The mistake was no mistake!

General Kaye had Stirling assigned here by plan!

Very clever of him to send a spy who looks and acts like...

Like a schlemiel!

Well, if it's fight the old double-crosser wants,

we'll play his game his way! How?

We'll try to keep Lieutenant Stirling here! What?

General Kaye insists we conduct our

field demonstration with a full company.

But the morale status of the Second Platoon is such

that it leaves us only one course,

to leave them out of the operation!

But you said he'd raise an awful holler!

Not if we can blame the condition of that platoon on a man,

his man!

Send him in!

Lieutenant!

At ease.

Well, Lieutenant, it seems we have a mutual friend.

Oh, do we? I didn't know. General Kaye.

Oh, no, I think you're mistaken, ma'am.

At least, I don't know him personally.

Well, you knew he was coming here to review a camouflage demonstration.

Yeah. Well, I, uh, I didn't think there was any harm.

[, uh, I did happen to mention to Captain Parker that...

Then you did get the word from General Kaye?

Oh, no, ma'am. I got it from...

Uh, well, you wouldn't believe me.

Don't tell me you got it from that mule?

Why, yes. How did you know?

Strangely enough, Lieutenant, your answer quite satisfies me.

Oh, well. Oh, fine!

Lieutenant Stirling, I have decided to make you

the camouflage instructor for the Second Platoon of Company C.

Oh, well, I...

Me, an instructor for... For a WAC platoon?

I'm sure, since you're a man, you won't have any trouble

whipping 'em into shape.

Congratulations, Lieutenant Stirling, and good luck!

Man coming!

Man coming!

Attention!

At ease.

Some of you women may be aware

that we were to be joined by an officer

with experience in combat conditions.

Through some error, Lieutenant Stirling was assigned.

Until he is transferred, he will undertake duties

as your platoon camouflage instructor.

A man in the WAC? What is this? That's for me!

Take orders from a man? But he's so cute.

Well, Lieutenant, they're all yours.

Take over.

I just don't believe it!

Well, it's true! Now, uh...

I'm supposed to whip you girls into shape!

You're supposed to what?

Well, uh, that's right, I'm supposed to whip you girls into shape!

Now I want order and I want discipline.

There will be no shirking of duty!

Now, when I say "fall out,” I mean "fall out”!

And when it comes time to fall out,

we fall out and very fast! Fall out now, fast!

Platoon, attention!

I said attention! We are at attention, sir!

You are? Yes, sir!

At ease!

I said, at ease. I am at ease, sir.

You are? Yes, sir!

Men... Uh, uh, ladles,

now we've all got a job to do.

We've got to be on the ball, right?

Right. Right.

Let's have a little close order drill.

Platoon, attention!

Shoulders back! Suck in your, uh...

Uh, pull, in your, uh...

Uh, pull out your, uh...

At ease!

All right, fall out.

Fall out!

Lieutenant, we can't fall out from an "at ease" position.

You always know what's right when I'm wrong, don't you?

Platoon, attention!

Fall out!

Hey, Francis.

Francis?

Beat it, bud. You're bad luck to me.

Where are you? Right over here.

They've made a monkey out of me.

Oh, no. Francis.

Francis, what've they done to you?

Francis, tell me you forgive me.

Tell me you forgive me, will you, Francis?

Pfft! Please tell me!

Cut out the monkey business! I'm over here, Petey boy.

You...

Oh, did you scare me!

For a minute, I... Yeah, yeah...

Why, Francis. Huh?

Hey, what've they done to your... Please, Lieutenant.

I'm gettin' what I deserve for tryin' to help you!

One more injection and I'll be ready to buck for rear admiral.

Gee, I'm sorry, Francis. Is there anything I can do?

I've often wondered.

I can take anything they can dish out.

Well, I think we're both getting a bad deal.

I am officially in the WACs.

Heaven help the WACs.

Now, this is no time to joke.

What're we gonna do? I can't get any place with those girls.

Maybe they're a little choosey. Yeah.

Oh, you know what I mean.

I've brushed up on my manual of arms. Yeah.

My close order drill. Yeah.

Et cetera, et cetera. That should endear you to them.

Psst! Psst!

Uh-oh! Here comes old aspirin tablet. Yeah. Who? Who?

Have you got a surprise coming.

Oh, boy.

Oh.

Good morning, you dear little animals!

Here's some breakfast, you horrid little things.

Oh, Aunt and Uncle Wiggly,

a big fat carrot for you.

And Rosalind.

Look what nursie brought you, a banana.

Well, then you eat it later. Just take it and eat it later.

Peggy, look what I brought you.

Some nice, fresh peanuts.

Good morning, Lieutenant. Oh, good morning, Lieutenant.

Here's some...

Oh, no. No, you couldn't be.

No, I'm not! I'm not! Honestly, I'm not!

No, I mean, uh, one I met in Burma.

It was in a psychopathic ward. Huh?

Oh, but that, that was somebody else entirely.

Yes, he was always weaving baskets. Is that so?

Crazy as a loon, huh? A real idiot?

Oh, the cutest little idiot you ever saw.

Well. Oh? He talked to a mule.

So of course, you couldn't... Oh, no, I couldn't.

Oh, dear.

Uh, this mule isn't a friend of yours, is he?

Of course not.

I just came in to see the monkeys. Well,

no insinuations implied, Lieutenant. Of course not. No.

Let's see. You poor, dumb little beast.

No reaction whatsoever.

Here, let's take your temperature.

Well, now there. Now, stick it in.

Stick it in that dear little mouth of yours. Up, up.

There you go.

Oh!

For pity's sakes.

No brains, no feeling.

She shouldn't have said that.

He drank a whole bottle of alcohol yesterday!

Now, you dear little mule, I'm gonna start you on your pills.

I hope you take them nicely.

No, I...

The old battle axe.

Pills. Takes a pill to know a pill! Mmm.

Remember that old saddle bag? Yeah.

Lieutenant Valerie Humpert. Do I remember her?

Burma. Yeah.

She nursed me through four sieges of basket weaving!

Uh-huh. Look, things are getting worse.

We've just gotta get outta here. Check!

And your old cousin has a plan!

I knew you'd come up with something. Natch. Now, get this.

Peel a WAC and you got a woman.

Rank or file, they're females first and last! Right? I guess so.

All right. You can't win a woman unless you woo her.

A whole platoon? You want me to woo a whole platoon? Precisely!

Yeah, but I'm not very strong.

Have you got 30 bucks? Why?

Well, there's a special sale on cologne at the PX.

Cologne?

It's called, "Night In the Casbah."

"Night In The Casbah"? You mean for the entire platoon?

But of course!

You are such a boy!

Now get goin' and check with me!

Woo a whole platoon? That's 25 to one.

You're the odds-on favorite!

Eh-eh.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no, not that!

Now you must take your pill, you naughty little mule!

Take this great big pill, now! Open wide!

Up with the little mouth.

Now, that's right! Put it in for nursie.

There, now. Just one big blow.

You all right, Lieutenant? You... You all right?

Oh, Lieutenant! Lieutenant!

What's this "Night In The Casbah" bit?

Huh? Oh. It's just a gift!

Are you as innocent as you look?

Well, I really had an ulterior motive, you see,

I want you girls to like me.

You mean... You mean you gave cologne to everybody in the platoon?

Well, yeah. Don't you like it?

I think it's wonderful.

You know, if I had a kid brother I'd like him to be just like you!

I... No...

Oh, Lieutenant! Lieutenant!

Oh, thank you so much! Thank you!

Oh, Lieutenant!

You shouldn't have! Now, mmm...

Now, Corporal Hilstrom, this is against regulations.

Sorry, Captain. It was just a slip of the lip.

Well, I expect you to be more careful next time!

Yes, ma'am!

I'll be extra careful next time.

Lieutenant Stirling. Yes, ma'am?

You were out of order. Well, yes. My aim... My aim is better discipline!

You'd sound a little more convincing if you wiped that lip rouge off your mouth.

Of course.

I... You know, that Corporal Hilstrom took me by surprise.

Your life seems to be full of surprises!

Oh, Lieutenant!

How do you figure that?

Lieutenant Stirling seems to be trying awfully hard.

Lieutenant Stirling!

There's more to this than meets the eye!

One, two, three, four, to the left flank, march!

One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three, four. Hut, two, three, four.

To the rear, march!

One, two... Lift those legs.

Lift those lovely, lovely legs!

And away we go to the rear, march!

To the rear, march.

Lift those legs!

You're doin' great, you beautiful dolls!

Embarrassing! Very embarrassing!

Well, don't you think Lieutenant Stirling is to be commended?

For what? Double-crossing us?

He lifted that Second Platoon right out of their slump!

And made us a target for ridicule.

What do you think General Kaye will say about this?

A man helped us out!

We couldn't do it but a man could!

Lift those lovely, lovely legs.

Ma'am, General Kaye is waiting for you at Battalion Headquarters.

General Kaye? But he isn't due in until tomorrow.

Lift those lovely, lovely legs!

I'm going to settle that Lieutenant Stirling's hash right now!

See you later!

Major, you might think that I'm a stubborn mule.

Just because a few of your women

have developed into adequate camouflage specialists,

it doesn't mean that you can flood the service with them.

We've known each other a long time, General,

and I... I'd even like to think of us as

being good friends, Louise,

but these wild ideas of yours...

Ben, may I have your permission to speak freely? Yeah.

Just because you believe women are fit only to be typewriter jockeys

and telephone operators doesn't mean that

national defense should be jeopardized!

We've done pretty well up to now.

You only have to do badly once. Louise,

you've got a one-track mind and I consider it my duty to prove you're wrong.

And I find your methods as misguided as your views.

My methods are beyond reproach!

I've gone to great lengths to arrange this demonstration.

You've gone to even greater lengths to disrupt our morale and snoop!

And what?

Why haven't you approved Lieutenant Stirling's

transfer out of this WAC assignment?

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Who is this Lieutenant Stirling?

And why should you want her transferred?

Lieutenant Stirling is not a her! It's a him. A him?

As if you didn't know! Here?

Yes! A Mata Hari in men's clothing!

Sent here to carry out his general's orders! General!

Ben, there are many things on which we don't see eye to eye,

but up to now I have never questioned your ethics or sportsmanship.

Now, Louise, if you'll simmer... But the mere fact

that you had to stoop to this sort of procedure

to try and beat us is proof of our

superior skill and ability.

Major, it might be a good idea for you

to use some of your smart camouflaging on that sharp tongue

when you're addressing a superior officer.

I'm sorry, Louise.

This is the first I've heard about all this.

Naturally, if there's been a mistake, I'll rectify it at once.

Thank you.

Now about the demonstration, I've, uh,

selected Piney Woods as the area of operation, if this is acceptable to you.

A male WAC,

how about that?

Just think, in a couple of days we might be out of this mess.

You're sure your transfer is going through?

Well, Corporal Hilstrom heard it from Captain Parker

and Captain Parker got it from Major Simpson.

Happy day. I couldn't stand much more.

What Headquarters is doing to my hindquarters

shouldn't happen In any quarter.

You know, it's gonna be hard saying goodbye. Yeah?

Francis? Huh?

Do you think it's possible for a guy to be in love with a whole platoon?

Never heard of it outside the Marine Corps.

Once knew a Marine who was engaged to three women.

Yeah? What did he do about it?

They buried him in Arlington.

Sharpened his heels and drove him in.

Shh. Shh.

Attention!

Come on, Francis. No games. I'm tired.

Attention!

Now quit making like a general, you idiot.

Idiot, am I? I could have you broken for this, Lieutenant!

A jackass break a lieutenant?

Heh, that's a laugh.

Yes, it's a real yuk.

On your feet!

So you're Lieutenant Stirling?

Uh, yes, sir.

Looks like we're gettin' kinda close to the bottom of the barrel.

Yes, sir. Hmm.

See we hit the Burma front together. Yeah?

I'm General Kaye. Oh, how do you do, sir.

At ease, Lieutenant. At ease, sir?

I know how you feel,

coming out of a man's army and being pushed in with these Suzies.

A male WAC! Yes, sir.

I hear your little tour of duty

has thrown the ladies into a tizzy. Uh, yes, sir.

Uh, no, sir! Well, I try to do my duty, sir.

So I hear, and that's what I want to talk to you about.

Just between us, Stirling, I don't think you should overdo it.

Huh? I don't understand, sir.

Well, women just don't appreciate a man's superior skill and ability.

Oh, yes, sir. Oh, not that it would matter, sir.

I'm not gonna be with them much longer.

I'm being transferred out. I think.

Am I not, sir? Yes, of course, my boy. Of course.

Might take a little time.

I suppose this was a little advance celebration?

Oh, yes, sir. Me and Francis.

Francis?

Who's she?

Oh, she is a he. Uh, he is a mule.

Uh, that that's him over there, sir.

Celebratin' with a mule? Hmm. Yes, sir.

Personally, I would've selected a sweeter smellin' companion.

One not so dumb.

Yeah, but he's a pretty smart mule, sir. That I doubt.

He reminds me of one I had in my command.

We had just built a temporary bridge on the Burma Road,

and this stubborn creature refused to cross.

Held up the whole company. We never did get across it.

Never? No. The bridge collapsed

before our very eyes into a raging, storm-swollen river.

Well, maybe he was pretty smart, sir.

No. Not this one.

He was just ornery, stupid.

Dumbest animal I ever saw.

Well, I'll leave you to your little celebration.

Yes, sir.

Uh-huh.

Get him!

Come back here, Pete!

I wish you'd make up your mind! I'm so mad,

I could blow a gasket! Naturally, I wouldn't cross that bridge.

You mean that mule was you?

Anybody could see the pulley system was faulty,

the bridge was bound to collapse.

Francis, you saved the whole company.

Yeah, but our hero got a commendation.

Never mentioned me. "Ornery, stupid." The old goat.

Yeah, yeah, but I don't understand. Now... Now his voice

sounds exactly like yours.

It was along about then I decided

it would be handy to be able to talk,

particularly like a general, and as long as I was in his outfit,

it was a built-in goldbrick.

Well, it sounds like nothin' but trouble.

Am I glad we're getting out of this!

But we're not getting out. No. Yeah.

What're you saying? We gotta get out of this!

Hmm, Petey, my boy,

we're gonna stay long enough to teach that old...

Well, we're gonna teach him a lesson!

Oh, no, now you can't!

Oh, you're going to become a camouflage expert.

Not me, I refuse. I just plain refuse! Let me see,

the operation will take place at Piney Woods.

Now, we need a map of that area.

Not me! Now you leave me out of this. I don't want anything to do with maps.

Naturally, this is top secret, Pete.

Major Simpson won't even tell Company C

what route they're going to follow.

Not until the night before the operation.

Now, starting from Point Able...

Yeah, that's it.

Company C, to be called the White Army,

is going to try to move a distance

of 10 miles to Point Baker.

You see it there? Atta boy.

That is, without being spotted by General Kaye's Blue Army.

Both these points will be known to us and the umpire,

but not to the Blue Army.

Starting tomorrow, Company C goes into training on a 24-hour basis.

Yeah, well, Francis, what do I know about... You'll learn, my boy.

Yes, sir, you'll learn.

Did you deploy your troops so they can

be identified and signaled immediately? Huh?

Yes. All right. Show me. Show me.

Reverse, move!

I said move! Oh, there you are.

Oh, my aching back!

Oh, a moose!

Calm down, boy. That's just an object lesson.

Camouflage can be offensive as well as defensive.

I just wanted to drive that point through your head!

You sure took the long way through. Mmm-hmm.

Parker! JANE: Oh, good morning.

Jane, did you take the topographical map

of Piney Woods from my desk?

Well, I wouldn't do that without your permission, Louise.

Well, someone did. It's gone!

And if that map ever gets into the wrong hands... Wrong hands!

Oh, you don't think General Kaye would go that far?

I think he'd do anything to prevent our success,

him and his male WAC, I...

That's who it was. Stirling!

It must have been our dear little lieutenant.

Lieutenant! Lieutenant!

As you were.

I won't beat about the bush, I want that map! What map?

The map to Piney Woods, as if you didn't know,

and don't tell me you lost it!

Oh, no, ma'am. I've got it. Not that it would matter, I memorized it!

Lieutenant, report to Battalion Headquarters immediately.

Go there directly. Do not speak to anyone!

Yes, ma'am. I mean yes, sir. I mean, I mean, yes.

Nothing, but nothing must jeopardize the operation.

Obviously, if he went to the trouble of memorizing the map,

the information on it has not yet gotten to General Kaye.

I'm going to see that it never does.

Send Lieutenant Stirling in.

Lieutenant Stirling.

Sit down!

Lieutenant, I want to know what... It's not true.

I'm innocent. I'm not on General Kaye's side.

We want you WACs to win. Yeah, we. "We," Lieutenant Stirling?

I mean, I. I see.

Oh, no, no, you don't see. Honestly... I see the map you stole.

I didn't steal any map.

Somebody did. It was borrowed.

Francis wouldn't steal anything.

Francis? Who's Francis? Francis, he's...

Oh, you wouldn't believe me.

Don't tell me you're going to go into that mule routine again!

Yes, ma'am.

All right, so there's a mule.

A mule named Francis. Yes. Spelled with an "I."

Just an ordinary mule? Oh, no, he's not an ordinary mule.

A mule walked into my office to borrow a map? Yes, ma'am.

How do you know he did? He told me.

Oh, yes, I forgot. He talks, too.

Yeah.

Well, I know it sounds impossible, why, I didn't believe it myself at one time.

But now you do believe he can talk? I know it!

And you're willing to stand by that story, Lieutenant? Definitely!

Good! It makes what I have to do that much simpler.

Honestly, it's the truth! I swear, it's...

I swear it's the truth!

Don't you worry about a thing.

We've been through this before, Lieutenant.

Yeah, and I don't want to go through it again.

Just like old times, they're using our treatments again.

Good afternoon, nurse.

And how's our patient? Oh, just dandy. Just dandy.

Do you still think a mule talks to you? He certainly does!

You don't have to answer for Lieutenant Stirling.

You're asking our questions.

That's all. That's all. Yes, you were asking...

Well, I...

Oh, yes. Mmm.

I'll be right outside, Lieutenant.

Now, this heavy dark mass represents your mother.

My mother was a skinny blonde.

You said Francis was like a mother to you.

Oh, no, I said Francis was like a father to me.

He helps me and advises me on everything.

And you believe he could help and advise you in this situation?

You mean you'll let me talk to him?

I think it can be arranged.

Oh, thank you very much, sir! Thank you! That's really...

I'm awfully sorry...

There, there, now. Be my own dear brave little mule.

I know it hurts!

Oh, it hurts me worse then it does you.

Oh, we got to get prettied up, you know.

Company's coming. Yes, company!

Now you wait right there and I'll fix your oatsies.

Hmm, I'd like to fix her oatsies.

Hey!

Hi, Francis.

Uh, look, I know you're mad at me but I had to tell the truth.

Uh, did he answer you?

No, he gets this way. Stubborn. Look, I'm sorry, Francis.

Oh, it's no use now. He won't talk to me.

No, I'm sure he won't. Come, Lieutenant.

Now, no hard feelings, Francis.

Come up and see my paintings sometime.

Hello.

Hello, uh, Francis.

Goodbye, cutie.

Ah!

Oh...

What's the matter?

He spoke to me.

Well, at least I thought he did. Who?

Francis. The mule!

Oh, you dreamt it. No, no, no, he said...

Oh, he said...

Well, he said, "Goodbye, cutie." Oh, look.

Why don't you knock off for the rest of the day. Take it easy.

Maybe I'd better. A mule!

Cutie! Uh?

You know something, you look like a horse too, Major.

You wanted to see me, Louise?

You too? Huh?

Oh, no. It's just a hobby.

Since when?

Since last night.

The mule?

He not only spoke to me, he sounded just like General Kaye.

Like General Kaye?

Oh, you've got it real bad!

You're one to talk, "cutie"!

Now I've got it all figured out.

It has to be ventriloquism.

Of course!

You mean Lieutenant Stirling.

Oh, I didn't say it was Lieutenant Stirling. I...

Uh, why I could be wrong about the whole thing. It had to be Stirling.

But he wasn't even there. How do we know?

The medical lab is part of the hospital installation.

All the buildings are grouped together.

Oh, you mean it's another one of General Kaye's morale breakers?

You gentlemen of the press will be briefed later by Major Simpson.

From my point of view I can only tell you

that the operation will start at dawn tomorrow and finish.

before it starts.

Well, what happens if you spot them?

Do you shoot them down? Heck, no.

We need them behind the typewriters.

We're using a kind of a genteel ammo.

Squirt guns with liquid dye.

That way we can tell which of the ladies has been spotted and disqualified.

The White Army isn't going to be white very long.

Major, show these gentlemen to their quarters.

John?

See you at six in the morning, General.

You'll be back in the sack at seven, Jack.

Good morning, Major. I hope your little army is fit and ready.

Oh, I...

I thought you were a mule.

A what?

Oh, I mean a jackass. I...

Now wait a minute, uh... She means a talking mule.

We've both been the victims of your ventriloquist.

Ventriloquist? Talking mule?

You both ill?

Oh, please, let's not go through that again.

I mean Lieutenant Stirling.

Oh, Stirling. Yes. I met him and his mule.

What do you mean the animal talks?

Well... Well, what did it talk about?

Well, for one thing, he...

It called Captain Parker "cutie."

Cutie? Excuse me.

A real army mule.

What did he call you, Louise?

I'd rather not say.

What made you suspect ventriloquism?

Well, for one thing, he talked exactly like you.

Now wait a minute, Major.

You may be a woman, but you're also an Army officer

and there's such a thing a respect.

But it's true.

He talked exactly like you.

Oh, Major.

No insubordination intended, believe me.

If anyone's guilty of such a thing,

it's your Lieutenant Stirling.

Why do you keep insinuating I have something

to do with this Lieutenant Stirling and his talking mule?

Well, haven't you, General?

I'll soon settle your mind on that. Where is this Stirling?

In, uh, in the psycho ward.

What? Well, where's the mule?

In the barn.

I can hardly believe this. This is too normal.

I'd like to have a look at this mule.

Hiya, Francis.

Beat it. Get lost.

I just had to sneak out and apologize!

Amscray, before they find you here.

I suppose you think I'm a stupid idiot, don't you?

With you, Pete, that's par for the course!

Yeah, but I just did what you told me to do!

I didn't tell you to mess up the whole detail.

You know how much it means to me to win this old ballgame.

Well, me too. Well, we're out of the runnin'.

And that ain't all. Have you checked your platoon lately?

How could I?

They've fallen apart.

But why? They were doing so great.

Morale, boy, morale. Yeah.

When they discovered you were in psycho

and they'd been gettin' camouflage instruction

from a mental case, well...

Shh. Shh. Pete.

Hit the dirt.

It's over here, Ben.

Oh, I've had mules in my outfit before.

None of 'em could ever talk.

Yes.

This is the beast I saw out near the Confidence Course.

Mangy lookin' creature.

So, you're the talking mule, huh?

All right, talk it up.

This is all utter nonsense!

What do you mean, utter nonsense?

Hmm-hmm.

Did you hear somethin'? I heard you talk.

Well, so did I. Me?

It was the mule.

Mule, did you say something?

Come on, speak up!

Are you givin' me permission to sound off, sir?

Permission granted! Sound off!

Well, to start with,

you're a narrow-minded fuddy-duddy.

You probably think the top brass

is the machinery that runs this man's army.

Horsefeathers!

Now, you take these WACs.

Everyone knows that women are here to stay. But not you.

You've got the idea they're in the service

just to keep your memos circulating.

This is the most ridiculous...

Lieutenant Stirling.

So, that's it.

Huh! Just as we thought. Ventriloquism.

You were right, Louise.

On your feet, Lieutenant!

A narrow-minded fuddy-duddy, huh? Pig-headed, huh?

Yeah, well, no, sir. If you are, sir, I didn't say so, sir.

Tell him, Francis.

Tell him he's a narrow-minded,

pig-headed old fuddy-duddy.

I mean, tell him you said so.

I've heard enough from this mule!

You did give him permission to sound off, sir.

And I sure like the sound he made, General.

We won't discuss the opinions of a sick mind.

This boy needs medical care.

Put him back in psycho where he belongs and keep him there!

Now... Now look what you've done!

How could you do this to me? How? Huh, how?

Yes, Sergeant?

Leemy can't find her helmet liner

and Cassidy thinks she's got a fever.

If you ask me, your whole platoon's dogging it.

Well, we just haven't been the same

since we found out what happened to poor Lieutenant Stirling.

Don't you think you women are carrying loyalty a little too far?

All right, girls. Come on, now. Let's get busy!

Hey, Cutie.

Captain.

Come on over here.

Come on. On the double.

Back of this truck.

Hey, Captain.

Back here.

Oh, don't be frightened.

Relax.

The next voice you hear is mine and nobody else's.

Yeah.

The trouble with you, babe, is that you look like a hot tamale

and act like a frozen custard.

Do you know the best thing that could happen to you?

Don't answer that.

Lose those captain's bars for a couple hours!

Act like a woman. Break a few rules.

You like Pete, don't you? Yeah.

And you want to believe that he's on your side! Yeah!

Well, he is.

What's more, he could help this operation.

He could pull that Second Platoon right into line again. Check?

Well, what're you waitin' for?

Bust him outta that nuthouse and let's put him into action.

Get goin'.

Typical.

Once those icebergs melt, there ain't no stopping 'em.

Can I help you, Captain?

I'd like to see Lieutenant Stirling, please.

Uh, in... In here, ma'am.

Oh, thank you.

Lieutenant Stirling. Just a minute...

Well, Captain Parker!

I want to apologize. I know now it's all a horrible mistake.

Oh, well, it's not so horrible now.

Captain, the Lieutenant is a very sick man.

Oh, he's no sicker than I am. And he's got a job to do!

Your platoon needs you,

and that means the camouflage operation needs you.

But he's a man! He's also a WAC!

Lieutenant Stirling, I want you to join your platoon.

Captain, that's against orders.

Orders! This is war!

And you're in the army, too, Lieutenant Humpert.

And tomorrow we'll be fighting your battle out there.

But it is against orders.

Lieutenant...

What do you say?

Well, it's orders are orders,

and you heard me tell the captain, orders.

Oh!

Well!

What you want me to do? Just anything!

Well, we've got to smuggle him out of here

past that guard.

Hey, you could lend him your uniform.

Why, yes. You could lend me... Her uniform?

A woman's uniform?

He's a WAC, isn't he?

Oh, now wait. Things are going just a little bit too far.

Well, you want to help us, don't you?

Well, yeah, but I...

Lieutenant, all those women need you.

Uh, really? Well, I...

Quick! You've got to get undressed!

Undressed? Yes. Yes!

Well, how much of my uniform?

Uh, do you think just the outside would do?

Well, I'm afraid what I've got to put inside won't do!

Hurry. We haven't got much time.

Quick!

I don't know whether I want to do this or not.

Now, really, I... Give me your bathrobe!

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Now your pajamas. My pajamas?

Here's the robe.

Yes, and... And here's my dress!

Hurry!

I don't know whether it'll fit or not! Oh, that doesn't matter.

He's such a little thing. And here's the slip.

Yes. Tell him to squeeze into it.

Here they are!

Okay. Now, if I catch cold, I'm gonna blame you.

Oh, these are just the tops. I've gotta have the bottoms, too.

The bottoms, too? Yes. Hurry!

Okay.

Quick! The girls will be leaving.

Oh, I'm so cold. Here!

Oh, my. Do you think it would...

Now the shoes and stockings.

The shoes and the... Oh, do I have to take them off, too? My.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

No, it's Superwoman.

Very funny. Very funny.

I'll bet you got me into this.

And trés chic, too.

Oh-oh! Hey!

Oh, why did I ever...

Oh! Spaceship number seven.

I'm getting you clearly. Mmm-hmm.

Oh, General. Oh.

No, nursie, just your darling little mule talking to you.

Oh.

You are such a girl.

No, no, no!

Yes, yes, yes!

And no time to faint until we get lover boy put together.

Well, just don't stand there with egg on your face!

No, I was just going.

Get goin'!

What's taking you so long, Lieutenant?

Well, it's just that I'm not used to getting in these things, that's all.

Captain, what're you going to use for hair on your new sister WAC?

That's right. We've got to fake a wig out of something.

A wig? Oh, no.

I've got it. Horsehair!

How about it, Francis?

Horsehair? Me and my big mouth.

Well, anything for the cause. Get the scissors.

Oh, scissors. Scissors!

Come on, Nurse!

They're over here. Here they are. Oh, there!

Now don't make this a butch, Captain.

Well!

HUD-huh!

Ow! Ooh, you're hurting me!

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, Francis.

Good night, Corporal.

Good night, Captain.

Lieutenant Stirling is not to be disturbed.

Yes, ma'am.

Whatever you're thinking, Corporal, it's not true!

Tomorrow we women will be involved in an operation

that will test the mettle of every one of us.

You are all volunteers,

and I am grateful for your efforts and courage.

By tomorrow evening, I feel sure that we will have proved

that when we WACs say we can do something,

we can do it.

Good luck.

Lieutenant!

What's the meaning of this?

I'm responsible, Major.

Well, you see, I felt the urgency was so great...

Well, there wasn't time to consult with you.

I believe that Lieutenant Stirling can help us.

You know the low morale of Second Platoon

and what it'll mean to have him back.

And I know Lieutenant Stirling wants to help.

Well, I...

And he still is in the WAC.

He'd better come through for us tomorrow

or he'll never get out of the WAC.

Dig up some field gear.

Yes, ma'am.

Woman driver.

Covers on four.

Follow me.

This is Blue. I read you loud and clear.

Stand by. Over.

General. Huh?

May I get you an aspirin? Aw.

General, the White Army has taken its initial position at Point Able.

The demonstration is officially started.

What happens now, General?

Thank you, Charlie. Well, George, I'm just an observer like yourself.

Unless I miss my guess, in exactly 60 seconds

recon planes will be coming over from Lassen Field.

In 30 minutes, aerial photos will be developed

and we'll have Major Simpson's lovely ladies pin-pointed.

Hi. Oh, I beg your pardon.

Be my guest? Thank you.

Watch out for that gimmick.

Say, you know something?

Those WACs might look pretty keen in polka dots.

Nothing.

Nothing? Nothing, General.

You don't mean to tell me that that isn't something?

Well, that's your field headquarters, sir.

Is it? It is?

Hey, uh, that's a might right pretty dress you got there, Sis.

I've never seen it before.

Glad you all like it.

Sure wish I could read writin'.

Hey, there, bud!

Hi, there.

Run for it, Beauregard!

They're draftin' again! Draftin'?

Take it easy, son!

Who we fightin' this time?

Did you see any WACs go by here?

WACs? WACs?

Yeah. You know, female soldiers.

Oh, them! Oh, they... They went, uh...

No, no. They went, uh...

They went that-a-way.

Thanks. Let's go!

Okay, girls, come on.

Hey, Captain.

Plane!

Take cover!

They're really pouring on the pressure. Yeah.

We've still got eight more miles to go! Whew!

I think maybe we'd better take the offensive.

Yeah. How do we do that? Well, let's see.

The idea first is to steal one of their walkie-talkies.

Oh, I see. And then Intercept their messages, huh?

Sure. Mmm-hmm. Well, do you think you can do it?

Well, I'll need a volunteer.

Are there any volunteers for this hazardous mission?

Well?

Now, look, Francis, I can't take the chance.

If I mess up this operation, I'll never get out of the WACs.

All those who don't want to volunteer,

take one step backward.

The idea is, exchange one of our walkie-talkies

with one of theirs.

That way we'll be tuned into their frequency.

Now, this is how you'll do it.

Yeah?

Hey, look at this. What is it?

A gal's comb!

Nice goin'.

We'd better contact a mobile unit.

Hello, Blue. Hello, Blue. This is Diamond.

We've picked up their trail. Over.

Right, sir. Over.

Hey, let's have a little camouflage discipline.

Sorry.

Is this your first hitch?

You should know better than that.

Let's get it out quick before they see the smoke.

Which way, soldier?

Well they must've come this way, sir. We found a girl's comb.

- Show him the comb, George. - Here you are, sir.

It's about time those WACs let down their hair

and gave us some kind of a clue, sir.

It might be a decoy,

but I think we'd better contact field headquarters

and see if it fits in with the plot map.

Okay, let's go.

Wait a minute, sir. My walkie-talkie.

Help! Help! They got me!

Well, what do you know? We hooked the wrong fish.

Francis! Francis, get me outta here, will ya?

Shh. Easy does it. There.

Lieutenant! Two patrols are approaching.

What?

That's nice work, Lieutenant.

Thanks.

Mission accomplished.

Yeah, and two enemy patrols are approaching.

Aah! Come on, let's go!

Aw... Aren't you coming with me?

No, I've gotta untangle this mess you made.

Gimme that hearin' aid.

Come on. Hmm-mmm.

Oh, hello all units.

This is Blue, Field Command to patrols.

General Kaye.

Charlie Patrol proceed south by southeast. Be alert.

Opposing forces are wearing men's uniforms.

Calling Dog Patrol.

Calling Dog Patrol.

It's General Kaye.

Dog Patrol, proceed north by northwest.

Be alert.

Opposing forces are wearing men's uniforms.

Stand by, over.

I gave no such orders.

You know I gave no such orders.

Tell them that...

That's it.

The White Army's tuned in on our frequency.

They're giving commands and intercepting ours.

Yeah.

This is our first bit of luck.

Corporal, we're going to give those WACs some orders

that will cook their goose.

Yes, sir.

Hey, Pete, give this thing a listen, quick.

Attention all patrols.

Mmm-hmm. This is Unit Blue.

The White Army is now bracketed in Zone Twelve.

Deploy east and west of Hill 1-1-8 to intercept.

Oh.

That... That must be this hill right here.

Hey, look, it's not covered!

He probably figured we'd never dare cross it, too exposed!

That's our answer.

Hill 1-1-8, here we come.

Simmer down, Captain. This might be a trap.

But it's our only chance, Francis.

If we're lucky, we'll... We'll slip right through their lines.

I'm tellin' ya, Pete. This could be a trap.

The Blue Army. It's there. It's a trap.

Francis was right.

Someday you'll believe me.

We'll have to retreat on the double.

Get Sergeant Kipp. Yes, Captain.

Did I hear you say retreat, Captain?

What else can we do?

Well we can give 'em credit for havin' some brains.

They've got our rear covered and re-covered.

We go forward.

Into their waiting arms?

Into their smoky eyes, yeah.

Right.

- A smoke screen. - You betcha.

Now come over here and pick my pocket.

All right, come on over, Captain.

We got the "O" smoke.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Over.

Forward, men.

Ready grenades.

Fire!

Ugh!

Ooh! Happy landin', soldier.

Ooh. There's a real belly-flopper.

I'll scout a bit, sir, for a way across the gully.

Well, don't stand there, men. Jump, jump!

Yes, General. Yes, sir!

What... What is this?

Who said that? Who's giving orders around here?

I am, sir. What's wrong?

What's wrong? Have you gone crazy?

Don't stand there. Jump. Jump.

Yes, sir!

Captain! With your men.

What are you waiting for? Jump!

But... But General...

Come back here, Captain!

I could you men court-martialed for this!

Don't stand there! Jump, General!

Where's that coming from?

Just a little overdue payment, General,

on that Burma bridge account.

See you at Point Baker when the ladies win!

Yes, sir!

After them. Get that mule.

Shoot that lieutenant! I mean, disqualify him.

If you don't mind some rough goin', General,

there's a crossing downhill a ways

that'll bring us out near Point Baker.

Get in that jeep, soldier.

Oh, General, maybe you'll need some aspirin now!

Three minutes, General.

Any luck, General?

Well, they haven't reached here yet,

have they?

Well, Major, have they?

No, sir, not yet.

I think I can guarantee now that they won't.

We've plotted their line of advance

and got them sewed up tight as a drum.

About three minutes, your little dream will be over, Louise.

Aren't you cheering yourself hoarse a bit too soon, Ben?

Uh, Louise.

You may as well know this.

Your girls are on their own now.

That, uh, little male WAC

has been disqualified by now.

There are still two minutes left.

Do you mind if I hope that much longer?

Two minutes.

At ease.

What about that Lieutenant? Did you disqualify him?

Uh, no, sir. We finally caught up with this jackass, sir,

but there was no sign of a lieutenant or anyone else from the White Army.

Of course not.

There isn't one of 'em within miles of us.

You want to bet?

Who said that?

Mmm-hmm.

You men carry on.

Leave that donkey.

It's a trick. It's gotta be a trick.

Why? What trick is there to talking?

Any fool can do it.

Oh.

Unless he loses his voice.

And that ain't all you lost, General Kaye.

Look!

Not a WAC for miles, huh?

Open wide, General. Wider. It won't hurt.

What do you think that is, a barn door?

General! We'd certainly like a few words from you, General,

straight from the horse's mouth, you might say.

And that's the way you're gonna get it, my boy.

If I can talk through this throat of mine.

Right over there, sir. We're all ready for you.

Okay, Fred?

Now it is my pleasure and privilege to introduce to the TV audience

the man who came from the Pentagon

to arrange this camouflage operation.

Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, General Ben Kaye!

I'll have to be brief,

because of a touch of laryngitis.

But having observed the camouflage demonstration

by this splendid group of Fort Chase WA Cs,

I must pay tribute to them and admit defeat.

A magnificent job, ladies.

Magnificent!

But with Major Simpson's leadership,

how could it be otherwise?

I just can't believe it.

A salute to Company C.

The Army is proud of you. Proud!

You all right, General?

Of course I'm all right.

I want you to arrest that mule.

Have that mule court-martialed... Mule, sir?

That mule! Get that mule! At once, sir.

Right now! Get that mule. At once, sir.

Oh.

Boy, I never had a general before!

This is really the end.

Let's get outta here, Lieutenant!