Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who Positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry!

He's a family guy!

Lois, look at this.

My essay won first prize in the New England Rising Writers Contest.

I'm gonna be honored at the big ceremony on Martha's Vineyard.

They're gonna put me up at a luxury hotel, all expenses paid.

- Wow, congratulations, Brian. - Meg, please, I'm talking.

Over a thousand people entered the contest,

and they chose mine.

- Well, that's wonderful, Brian. - Yeah, that's a great achievement.

Just like the first chemotherapy patient to figure out the handkerchief look.

Honey, get in here!

- What is it? - Just... Just get in here!

- What... Oh, my God. - Right?

- It's like you don't even have cancer! - Don't even have cancer!

- I know. - Oh, my God.

No, but I still have pretty aggressive cancer.

Come on, Peter. We're gonna be late for lunch with Mom and Dad.

Oh. Right.

- You didn't forget, did you? - No, no, I didn't forget.

Let me just go change out of this fishing gear.

- Hey, Peter, what's up? - Come on, come on, we gotta go now!

We gotta go now. Come on, Joe! Joe! Quagmire! Come on. Go, go, go!

Pull the car around. Come on, let's go!

- Hello? - Lois, this is Peter.

I'm afraid that on my way to the bedroom to change, I took ill.

You'd best go to lunch without me.

Why do I hear an engine?

Because my stomach is rumbling in a way

that sounds like the engine of Joe's fishing truck.

- Peter, are you lying? - Now she's a doctor, guys.

- Hi, Lois! - Quagmire says hi.

Damn it, Peter, you're going fishing, aren't you?

You promised me you'd come to lunch with my parents today.

Well, Lois, until we get an appointment secretary,

things like this are gonna continue to fall through the cracks.

My parents are not gonna like this, Peter.

You know they're still angry at how you behaved at our wedding.

- You may now kiss the bride. - Kiss her? I am gonna destroy her.

Mom, are you still mad at Dad about yesterday?

Well, sort of.

I mean, we planned that lunch two weeks ago.

But he promised he'd go with me

to put flowers on my grandmother's grave this afternoon,

so I guess it's all right.

- Peter, are you ready... - Oh. Right.

So, a lot of tension with Peter lately, huh?

That's an understatement, Brian. He's been incredibly thoughtless lately.

Even more so than usual.

But tonight is our sex night,

and a little physical release will do us both some good.

- Peter, are you... Oh, come on! - Lois, I know it's late,

but, me and the guys, we're going beekeeping.

Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with you?

Whoa, someone just yelled themselves out of honey with breakfast.

I don't need honey, Peter,

I need a husband who wants to spend time with me.

Can I make a suggestion?

All you two have done is argue about stuff for the past two weeks.

It's my guess you could use a vacation.

Why don't you come out to Martha's Vineyard

and watch me accept my award?

Wow, does that sound wonderful.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, that sounds expensive.

Can't we just do something fun here at the house?

It's just as relaxing.

Hey, guys, I've decided I'm gonna take up the drums.

- I'll start packing. - I'll start packing.

Look, Quagmire, we're only gonna be in Martha's Vineyard for a couple days.

Can't you just watch the kids?

Man, you're more of a letdown than Fruit Stripe Gum.

Hmm! Aw!

What are we gonna do, Lois? Quagmire's busy,

and Joe and Bonnie are out of town.

- Well, what about Cleveland? - He's on the road touring with Black Box.

- Everybody - Everybody

- Everybody - Everybody

Well, wait a minute, what about that nice old man

who lives up the street?

Oh, yeah, maybe Herbert can watch the kids.

He seems like a responsible guy.

So it would only be till Monday, and we could pay you for it.

Yeah, and it's real easy, I promise.

I mean, you've spent time watching children, right?

- Yes, sir. Yes, I have. - Wonderful.

Brian, this is wonderful. I feel like one of the Kennedys.

You know, the over-privileged drunk ones, not the socially-responsible dead ones.

You know, this resort offers some wonderful amenities.

They have bird-watching, wine tasting, horseback riding.

Yeah, they also have stork startling.

Squawkety, squawkety, squawkety, squawkety, squawkety, squawkety!

Your bird intelligence is no match for my people intelligence.

All right, children, your mammy and pappy asked me

to look after you for the next couple days,

so I want to lay down a few ground rules.

No cussing, clean your plates,

and only a half hour of radio and then it's off to bed.

Well, that sucks.

And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis.

No offense, Mr. Herbert,

but I'm a 17-year-old girl, and I don't need you here.

Well, no offense to you, Meg,

but you're a 17-year-old girl, and I don't need you here.

What do you think's keeping Peter?

I hope he gets here before they give you your award.

Well, you're here, Lois. That's enough for me.

Oh...

You always know just what to say.

And now, reading a passage

from his grand prize-winning short essay, Amazing Grace,

tonight's guest of honor, Mr. Brian Griffin.

Thank you very much.

"She was grace in name and in essence.

"To those she loved, she exuded strength, life, laughter and light.

"And, to me, also sorrow,

"for circumstance had bound her to my best friend,

"through whom we met in the warmth and serenity of her home.

"Nothing from the first day I saw her

"and no one that has happened to me since

"has ever been as frightening and as confusing,

"for no person I've ever known has ever done more

"to make me feel more sure, more insecure,

"more important and less significant."

That was beautiful, Brian.

Well, you know what they say, write what's in your heart.

Hey! Oh, did... Did I miss Byron's reward?

Brian's award. And, yes, you did, Peter.

You've been a good son, Brian, and I'm sorry you're so sick.

- What? - Peter, where the hell have you been?

Every time that we go to a hotel, you hide the key to the minibar from me.

But I found it. I found it.

You're a piece of work, you know that? An hour late and you're drunk.

You had an opportunity to share a beautiful moment with Brian,

and you wasted it,

wasted it like the Osmond family wastes water.

Who's in the shower? Is it Donny?

No, I showered earlier. It could be Merrill.

- Merrill's right here. - Well, where's Jimmy?

Jimmy's running through the sprinklers in the yard.

- Is it Marie? - No, no one's in there.

So the shower's just running with no one in there?

- That's right. - Well, I'll be a son of a gun.

- Hey. Good morning. - Oh, good morning, Brian.

That's a lovely fragrance you're wearing. What is it?

Oh, this? This is Hartz Mountain Flea Dip.

Kills ticks, fleas and mosquitoes. It's very potent.

Almost as potent as the inspiration you give me

to plumb the deepest fathoms of my soul

for a literary bounty of truth and loveliness.

That's so much better. Morning, Lois.

I'm sorry about last night. I promise I'll make it up to you.

Well, if you really mean that,

I was hoping we could go paddle-boating today.

Great, but can we do it after 5:00? There's a ball game on.

Well, then maybe Brian and I can hang out.

- Do you mind, Brian? - No, not at all.

Good, now can you move, please? You're blocking the screen.

We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary on BET.

Damn, look at that son of a bitch go. He hauling ass.

That thing come by my house, I kill it.

That little rat-looking thing just got ate.Damn, Nature, you scary!

You must remember this

A kiss is still a kiss

A sigh is just a sigh

The fundamental things apply

As time goes by

Moonlight and love songs Never out of date

Hearts filled with passion Jealousy and hate

Woman needs man And man must have his mate

That no one can deny

It's still the same old story A fight for love and glory

A case of do or die

The world will always welcome lovers

As time goes by

The world will always welcome lovers

As time goes by

- You all know what day it is? - No.

- It's bath day. - I don't want to take a bath.

Not for you, silly. It's bath day for me, but I can't wash myself.

Know anybody with a pair of strong, young hands

to help me in and out of the tub?

Rats!

- Oh, I had so much fun today, Brian. - So did I.

Hey, you feel like grabbing something to eat?

Oh, I'd love to, but Peter and I,

we're gonna get dinner at that little place by the...

Well, looks like I am free.

Hey, you know what might be fun?

How about we just order room service and watch a couple of bad movies?

Yeah, that does sound like fun. I'll go rent Vanilla Sky.

I said a bad movie, not an abortion.

This is gonna be great. A whole evening with Lois!

We are gonna have such a fun time.

Lois, my darling!

Couple of steaks, some wine, maybe a couple of sundaes...

Lois, my darling!

...little music, some candlelight.

Lois, my darling!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What am I doing?

This is Lois, Peter's wife.

How can I even think about trying anything?

- Hello? - Hey, Brian, it's me.

I got a question for you.

Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count NyQuil as a beverage?

- No, right? - No.

Yeah, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks, Brian.

Damn it. I'm missing Boy Meets World for this?

This is so much fun, Brian.

Well, it's a Saturday night,

sorry the video-store pickings were a little sparse.

Hope you like Roman Holiday.

I lied. I was a princess the whole time.

You bitch! I'm gonna punch you in the face!

That was a lovely dinner. I saved all my scraps in a bag for you.

Thanks. You know, Lois, I'm sure you've already figured this out,

but that essay I wrote, I wrote it about you.

Oh...

I had a hunch. Thank you, Brian. I'm glad you shared that with me.

Well, you know, Lois, you mean a lot to me.

I mean, things you say and things you do resonate with me in a big way.

When you drive away to go to the market, I just don't know what to do with myself.

And then when I hear that car coming up the driveway, I just go berserk.

I mean, you know, half the time, when you go to the market,

I just assume you're leaving forever, and when you get back,

I realize I have no idea how long you've been gone, and I...

Well, you know what, I'm... I'm rambling. I...

- Would you like some more champagne? - I'd love some.

My head is swimming.

Oh, my God! Brian, no! Now, stop it! What are you doing?

I can't help myself, Lois! I know you're married to Peter,

but I love you and I can't stand it anymore!

Brian, no! No! Get down! Get down!

This is a good sweater! Off! Off!

Brian, I think you'd better go.

Lois, I'd really like to talk about this.

- No! Stop scratching the door! - Okay.

Oh, my God, I attacked Lois!

What the hell was I thinking? I'm a rapist!

I'm... I'm no better than Kobe Bryant or Mike Tyson or Reagan!

Hey, Brian, another Scattergories question.

The category is "Type of Pet." Herbert put "Cambodian."

That's not right, right?

Look, Stewie, I can't talk about this now, all right?

- Jeez, what's your problem? - I just...

I did a bad thing, and I don't know what to do about it.

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

That's how I felt at that Grateful Dead show.

Does anybody want to buy my shirt?

I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese!

So, what happened, sport? Come on, talk to your pal, Stewie.

All right, but only because I've got to tell somebody.

- I pretty much just threw myself at Lois. - So, you finally did it, huh?

Well, look, Brian, as your friend,

I should tell you that that vagina is ground zero, man.

I mean, I just... I wrecked that thing on the way out.

And just to be a jerk, I carved "Brooks was here" in the wall.

Did... Did you see that? Did you see "Brooks was here"?

We didn't have sex.

'Course, what with Chris going before me, I pretty much just walked out of there.

Didn't even have to stoop over.

There was even room to twirl a cane as I strolled.

- You're exaggerating. - Only a little bit,

that's the messed-up thing.

- Morning, Lois. - Peter, there you are.

Were you down at that hotel bar all night again?

I was, Lois. And you know who's staying at this hotel?

Nathan Lane!

We got wasted at the bar, and he ended up asking me to marry him,

so I convinced this minister to do the job, but the joke's on Nathan Lane,

'cause gay people can't get married!

- They can in this state, Peter. - Oh.

Well, in that case, we're registered at Filene's.

God, you've spent half this entire trip intoxicated!

I'm intoxicated all right, Lois,

by the beauty and magic of Martha's Vineyard,

Nantucket, Cape Cod and all the great destinations

that make Massachusetts the wondrous place it is.

The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America

The spirit of what's old and what's new

The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America

The spirit of the red, white and blue

I am so glad Brian brought us out here, Lois.

He's a real pal, you know that?

Well, it's actually Brian I need to talk to you about.

Boy, he's a hell of a guy, isn't he?

He's the one guy I know I can trust.

Brian tried to have sex with me.

Was he bigger than me?

"...and they told Peter to stay away from the Wolf.

"But he didn't listen to them 'cause he's his own man.

"And he knew that sometimes the things that seem the most dangerous

"turn out to be the most fun."

Yes, sir, it was a good day for young Peter.

Are you a pedophile?

Hey, Lois told me there was some funny business.

- Yeah, what of it? - Well, it's just...

I can't help but feel a little betrayed, Brian.

Lois is my wife, and...

Well, I mean, all the dry food I've bought for you over the years?

Yeah, well, you don't deserve her, you know that?

- Say what, now? - You don't deserve her.

She does nothing but give and give and give,

and you repay her with selfishness and neglect.

I mean, you've barely spent any time with her at all on this vacation.

Well, who the hell are you to tell me how to run my marriage?

You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple months!

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

You're a freakin' train wreck with that crap, Brian.

You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back,

and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.

Stop it! Stop it! Get off my husband!

Wait a minute, Brian. Nathan Lane is right. What are we doing?

Look, I'm sorry, all right? It's just...

When you have feelings for someone that are strong enough, you just,

I don't know, lose sight of the rest of the world.

Brian, she's my wife, and you're my best pal.

So, what are we gonna do about this?

I promise, Peter, nothing like this will ever happen again.

Thanks, old buddy.

Yeah, blah, blah, blah! That's all well and good, Peter.

Now, get ready, we're having dinner with my parents tonight!

Oh. Right.

I just feel terrible about this whole thing, Lois.

- Can you ever forgive me? - Yes, Brian, I can.

But there's something you deserve to know.

- What's that? - Well,

it's not like I haven't thought about it.

- Really? - Well, yes.

I mean, you and I have a lot in common,

and we've spent so much time together over the years,

and, of course, that essay you wrote, it really touched my heart.

Well, to be honest, Lois,

I ripped off most of that speech from Summer of '42.

Oh.

Well, it was still nice.

Let me just ask you this.

When these thoughts about you and I have crossed your mind,

is it good?

- What do you mean? - Well...

Oh!

Yeah.

Well, a lot of times when Peter and I are having sex,

I feel suffocated,

but with you I imagine it would be like doing it with a stuffed animal.

- Everybody ready to go? - All set, Peter.

Good.

Well, we may be leaving Martha's Vineyard,

but the spirit of this wonderful place will stay in our hearts all the way home.

'Cause after all...

The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America

The spirit of what's old and what's new

The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America

The spirit of the red, white and blue

The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America

The spirit of what's old and what's new

The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America

The spirit of the red, white and blue