Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Oh, thank you, everybody.

I know it's a little self-centered,

but this is my favorite day of the year.

Here, Mom, this is from me and Meg.

Topol?

The smoker's tooth polish?

Take the hint.

Happy Birthday, sweetheart.

Lionel Ritchie's Can't Slow Down?

Great album, Lois. Great album.

I didn't know who I was until I heard this album.

I sometimes see you...

Oh, God, Lionel.

You have been hurt.

You have been hurt by somebody, that much is clear.

Who hurt you?

Who hurt you?

Who hurt you? Who hurt you?

Who hurt you?

Oh, thank you all so much.

What thoughtful gifts.

Uh, Lois, there's one more.

Oh, Brian, you don't have to give me anything.

Oh. Well, give it back then.

No, no, we have fun.

Oh, my God!

Two tickets for a cruise?

Brian, this is wonderful.

- What the hell? - You fink!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What is this?

We agreed on a $20 limit.

We set a cap, you jerk.

Are you trying to make us look bad, you son of a bitch?

Peter, what are you angry about?

You get to go on a cruise with me.

- What? - What?

Well, yeah, you didn't think Brian

meant for me to go with him, did you?

Great.

This was a bigger waste of time than Ringo's song-writing.

Hey, guys. I wrote a song.

Oh, that's great.

- Oh, good, Ringo. - Fantastic.

You know what?

I'm gonna put it... right here.

Right on the refrigerator.

That way we'll get to see it every day.

All right.

Now, you kids behave yourselves

while we're away.

Yeah, be good till we get back,

and Brian, stay out of the cat box!

Stay out of the cat box!

Bye, you guys!

Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad!

Farewell, Brian, I'm off to sea.

An hour from now, I'll be surrounded by seamen.

Sperm whales and seamen. Ooh, a swallow.

Stewie, Peter and Lois aren't taking you with them.

They've already boarded.

Bye! Bye!

Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye!

- Bye! Bye!

No! No, you can't leave!

Not without me! I'm the baby!

Oh, I haven't been this disappointed

since I saw The Lake House.

See, the mailbox is like a time portal.

Everything Keanu Reeves puts in there,

Sandra Bullock gets two years later.

Oh, my Hickory Farms package is here.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bar you

from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise.

We are so sorry.

Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing?

Lois, it is called the "Poop Deck."

That is why I pooped there.

You're disgusting.

And you're misleading.

Boy, this is romantic, isn't it, Lois?

Oh, it sure is, sweetie.

Oh, I feel like that fat-ass British girl from Titanic.

What girl?

The lead in Titanic,

the one opposite Leonardo DiCaprio.

Sweetheart, that was a guy.

- What? - That was a guy.

That was Philip Seymour Hoffman.

What? No, it wasn't.

Yes, it was, honey.

It was Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Look at you out here on a big trip.

What are you doing?

I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me.

When she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters

under all her fingernails.

Then I'm gonna strip her down

- and tie her to the bed. - Okay.

Then I'm gonna make her crawl on her hands and knees

while I drip hot candle wax all over her back.

- Uh, and then what are you gonna do? - Uh, let's see...

Are you gonna shower her off after all that candle wax?

No, I'm gonna keep her filthy.

Yeah, she's been a bad girl.

And then I'm gonna gag her with her own brassiere.

- What? - No, no, nothing, nothing.

That's all part of your diabolical plan to humiliate her.

- Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated. - Maybe you'll handcuff her?

- She'll hate that. - Then I shall do that as well!

- And call her a bitch. - Until I'm hoarse with rage!

Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop?

Yes, and then-- What?

No, I mean, would, like-- That would show her.

Are you-- You're getting some kind of sick sexual thrill

- off this, aren't you? - Who cares?

You're not gonna kill her anyway.

You're gonna bitch and moan,

and then you're gonna do what you always do.

The minute Lois walks through that door,

you're gonna forget all about it,

beg for your apple juice,

go poop and fall asleep.

God, he's right.

I've got the same daily routine as Dick Clark.

Rupert, I've been all talk.

So much time wasted.

Well, no longer. Lois is a dead woman!

I'll do to her what douche bags did to the guitar.

This is a song I wrote last summer.

It's called "Water."

My hair is growing

Growing all the time

Look how sensitive I am

'Cause my voice is so fine

Every beer I've ever had

Is on a shelf above my bed

And sometimes I put my speakers

Facing out my window

Peter, stop picking your teeth.

We're at the Captain's table.

And that was the first time

I saw the Northern Lights at their peak.

And as I gazed, astonished,

at their lustrous brilliance,

I turned to my first mate and I said,

"We are looking into the very eyes of God."

Oh, what a wonderful story.

All right, I got one for ya.

So me and Lois are driving up to Vermont

- to get this abortion. - Peter!

Hang on. Hang on, Lois. Don't ruin it.

All right, so we're driving up to get this abortion,

and we get to the abortion clinic,

and the abortionist has one hand.

- Peter, for God's-- - Bah-bah-bah-bah.

I'll tell it, I'll tell it.

So I turn to Lois and I says,

"You want to get an abortion here?

"You want to get an abortion

"with the abortionist having a stump hand?

We can't get an abortion here."

So, we turned around and went home,

and two-and-a-half months later,

our daughter Meg was born.

Okay, explain to me exactly what I did wrong.

Peter, that story was completely inappropriate!

Well, send me the crap to hell for being nostalgic

about the early years of our marriage.

You've totally ruined this trip for me!

I am mortified to even show my face around this ship!

Hey, the captain's the one who should be embarrassed.

His story was gay.

You're gay!

- Hello, Mother. - Stewie?

What the hell are you-- How did you get here?

Oh, there's a very simple answer to that.

You drove me here, Lois.

With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer

day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny.

What are you-- What--

What are you doing with a gun?

Something I should've done a very long time ago.

I did it! I killed her! She's dead!

Oh. Ow! Ow! Ow!

Mommy!

Mommy! Mommy!

Oh, yeah, that's right.

And finally, still no word on the disappearance

of Lois Griffin, housewife and mother from Quahog

who vanished from a cruise ship six days ago.

Well folks, that's the news,

and I am outta here!

Daddy, she's been missing so long.

Do you think they'll ever find her?

God, I hope so, Meg.

Oh, yes, I'm sure they'll find her.

This is fantastic.

Nobody suspects a thing.

Ooh, listen to my voice, that sounds cool.

Hello!

Pigs in space!

Hi, Peter.

Can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second?

What is it, Joe?

Please tell me Lois is alive.

It's been six days, Peter.

I'm sorry, but we had to call off the search.

I'm afraid you're just going

to have to accept the fact that...

she's gone.

No!

ANNOUNCER : We now return to...

Harrison Ford Telling Random People

He Wants His Family Back.

- I want my family back! - Okay.

- Give me back my family! - Get off me!

I want my family back!

- Hey, where've you been? - Ah, I had another date.

You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there.

Lois would've wanted you to move on.

Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward.

My date was a stick figure.

So, I-- How would this work in bed?

Well, I can't do sex.

But I can give you a stick job.

That, uh-- That sounds--

Yes, it is very unpleasant.

But the freakiest

was that date I had with Bonnie.

BONNIE: Peter...

you don't know how badly I need this.

PETER: I don't know, Bonnie,

it's, it's just a little weird.

Joe's a friend of mine.

No, it's okay.

I promise you, it's okay.

Eh, I'm not sure.

JOE: It's okay, Peter.

Just remember, whatever you do,

don't tell Chris I'm dating.

Peter, Lois has been dead for a whole year.

You're gonna have to tell him sometime.

- Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh. - Hi, Dad.

Did we get any mail from Mom at the health spa today?

Nope, sorry, Chris.

She said she's going straight from the spa

- right back to Europe. - But I haven't seen Mom

since she took me back-to-school shopping.

All right, sweetie,

you ready to get some new notebooks

and protractors and slacks?

I want blue jeans.

You're getting slacks!

Here you go, Stewie.

Finish your oatmeal, and then I'll get you ready

for our "Mommy and Me" class.

You know, Meg has really flourished

since Lois was murdered.

What are you talking about?

Lois's death was an accident.

Which is just what someone

who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think.

What the hell are you...

Stewie, did you?

Did you kill Lois?

Of course I didn't, Brian.

Remember what you said?

I'm all talk.

I wouldn't possibly go through with it.

I'll just poop and fall asleep.

My God, you did it.

You actually did it.

Oh God, I've really screwed myself up here.

Listen, could you reach into my pocket

and get the number for that acupuncturist?

You son of a bitch, you killed Lois.

Good luck proving that, Brian.

Seriously, that number?

Well, I'm going to expose you for what you are.

No matter what it takes, you are gonna pay for this.

You know, it's funny, from this position,

I can hear Meg upstairs.

I'm going to pretend you're the New York Knicks.

Hey, put your wallets away, guys.

The drinks are on me.

Well, that's awful nice, Peter.

What's the occasion?

Lois's life insurance policy paid off.

I got more money than Barbara Streisand.

Honey, I'm going shopping.

And I was going to valet park.

I didn't know that you had life insurance on Lois.

Did you get that right before the cruise?

Actually, I got it on the cruise.

Right after we had that big fight when I said,

"I wish you were dead," right before I never saw her again.

Well, see you guys later.

I got to go buy hot dogs.

We keep running out for some reason.

Either of you guys think it's a little suspicious

that Peter took out a life insurance policy on Lois

right before she went missing?

You don't think...

That fat bastard murdered her, didn't he?

That son of a bitch!

He's a killer, like Bernie Goetz!

You know, the subway vigilante from the eighties?

I used to do a bit about him back when I was doing standup.

Ah, what else is in the news?

Oh, oh, oh, Bernie Goetz.

Did you hear about this?

This guy Bernie Goetz

shot a bunch of muggers on the subway.

Wouldn't mind having him with me

next time I go see my mother-in-law.

No, but really, New York City's a great place to live...

if you're a cockroach.

- You suck! - I know.

Hey, Stewie, I found this receipt

for a speedboat rental upstairs in your room.

It's dated about a year ago.

Any idea how it got there?

Um, someone who rented a speedboat must have left it there.

Uh-huh. Well, you can play innocent all you want.

I am going to find the evidence to put you away.

Starting by proving

that you were on that cruise ship

the night Lois disappeared.

No, I wasn't.

Ah, the carnival with Rupert.

We won! We won!

Do it again!

Now I want a pink one!

Stewie, we've been playing for half an hour.

Oh, okay. You want to go ride the tea bags... tea cups?

I was hoping to keep these mementos, Rupert,

but I can't risk it with the dog sniffing around for evidence.

Damn! What the hell are they doing here?

What are we looking for, Joe?

Well, the trail is pretty cold by now,

but if Peter did kill Lois,

we might find some clues in his garbage.

Man, I haven't dug through these cans since Lois died.

Can't believe it's been 12 months

since I've deliberately choked myself

by stuffing her discarded makeup sponges down my throat.

What's wrong with you?

Oh, my God.

That does look like Peter's handwriting.

There's no doubt anymore.

Peter murdered his wife.

This is fantastic!

I'm completely off the hook!

What the hell?

Hey, little man, tell Chris to open his window.

Just around the corner there's a rainbow in the sky

So let's have another cup of coffee

And let's have another piece of pie

Joe, what the hell is going on?

You're a suspect in Lois' murder,

that's what's going on!

Don't make us go good cop,

developmentally disabled cop on you.

Um, we know that,

um, you, um, killed Lois.

Um, hello?

Uh...

No.

We can, um,

put you at the, um, scene

where she, um, was, um, killed.

Hobey's right, Peter.

It doesn't look good for you.

Joe, you got this all wrong!

Like God did when he made Rosie O'Donnell.

You can't put a vagina on this man!

Why not? I'm God.

Well, what do you want to do about the breasts?

Ah, take a couple out of the bin we can't find matches for.

I-I can't believe Dad killed Mom.

Look, there he is!

Dad, how could you?

Hey, Dad, if they put you in jail,

can we go in your room?

Look, don't you kids buy any of this for a second.

Your father is innocent.

Oh, he killed her.

Just like the telephone killed the telegraph sex business.

- Hey, baby.

I bet you're hot. Stop.

Describe to me what you're doing to yourself right now. Stop.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah...

Oh, nasty!

This trial is called to order.

Defense Counsel, we will hear your opening statement.

Hey, everybody, today's the big day.

That's all, Your Honor.

Good. Good.

Prosecutor, call your first witness.

Peter called me right after he killed my daughter

to tell me he killed my daughter.

Really? Well, that is interesting.

Yes, and as a favor to the court,

I've produced this simulation

of how the killing transpired.

I play Peter, and I hired an Asian hooker

to play my daughter.

Lois, I'm fat and I'm stupid, and I fart at times

that ruin my father-in-law's social occasions,

and that's why I'm never invited to them.

You pay me now?

Chris, have you ever seen your father do anything bad?

Well, now that you mention it...

Hey, Meg.

Proud of you!

Mr. Griffin, do you deny killing your wife?

Of course I deny it. I loved my wife.

And I certainly think I'd remember killing her.

- Mr. Griffin, do you drink? - I plead the fifth of Jack.

No, no, I'm joking. Yes, I drink.

And have you ever struck your wife?

Only in front of the kids to assert my status

as dominant male of the pride.

Are you a violent man?

What are you, a wise guy?

'Cause I know how to deal with wise guys.

No further questions.

You son of a bitch.

If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you.

Mr. Foreman, how say you?

We find Peter Griffin

guilty of murder in the first degree.

- Oh, no! - Oh, no!

- Oh, no! - Oh, no!

- Oh, no! - Oh, yeah!

Okay, can I ask everyone

to please stop saying, "Oh, no" in this courtroom?

'Cause the Kool-Aid Guy's gonna keep showing up.

Thank you.

Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you

to life imprisonment with no possibility of...

Lois! You're alive!

Mom, you're alive!

Oh, my gosh, Mom!

Lois, my God, what happened?

We thought you were dead!

Mom, we thought Dad killed you!

No, he didn't, Chris.

But someone tried to.

Do you remember who it was?

Yes, I do.

It was Stewie!