Original subtitles

How am I doing?

Just keep your knees bent.

Imagine you're spreading butter

on a big piece of bread.

That's it.

Spread that butter...

with the Force.

Ha! You guys seem like crazy morons to me.

You don't believe in the Force, do you?

Oh, you mean that thing you just found out about,

like, three hours ago

and are now judging me for not believing in it?

What the hell?

Oh, my God, we came out of hyperspace

into an asteroid field.

Alderaan's been destroyed by the Empire.

Maybe we should head for that small moon

that's clearly a small moon and not anything else.

That's no moon.

It's a space station.

Oh, crap, they got us in a tractor beam.

Well, they're not gonna get me without a fight.

You can't win.

But there are alternatives to fighting.

Like what?

Like getting the hell out of here!

No, just kidding.

Can you imagine if I was like that?

All right, just follow my lead and act real cool.

All right, I'm gonna go knock out that tractor beam.

And we'll go rescue the princess.

You know, Luke, this may be the last time

we see each other.

So there's something I want you to know.

Now, I've had thetime of my life

And I owe it all to you

I've been waitingfor so long

Now I've finally found someone to stand by me

So we takeeach other's hand

'Cause we seem to understand the urgency

Just remember

You're the one thing

I can't get enough of

So I'll tell you something

This could be love

Because

I've had the time of my life

No, I've never felt this way before

Yes, I swear, it's the truth

And I owe it all to you

Holy smoke!

CHEWBACCA: So, what, are we on the first floor?

LUKE: Uh, we are on the second floor.

No, no, no, see, here's the Banana Republic

and we just passed that.

Um... it's right back there.

We-we, uh... we parked on the Macy's side,

so now we must be over here by the JCPenney.

Looks like the first floor is mostly men stuff,

and there's a Lady Foot Locker right over there.

Oh, all right, so we're on the third floor.

All right, let's get in the elevator.

And hurry up,

'cause the smell of that Mrs. Fields is killing me.

Where are you taking this... thing?

Prisoner transfer from cell block 1138.

You think you could get me a room by the pool?

Is funny because you are prisoner.

And there is no pool because is Death Star.

We got to find out what cell this princess of yours is in.

- There it is, 2187. - I'm on it.

Uh, everything's under control here.

Situation normal.

What happened?

We, uh, had a slight weapons malfunction,

but everything's perfectly all right.

We're fine. We're all fine...

here... now... thank you.

How are you?

I've been better.

Well, tell me what's up.

Well, I'm in this relationship

and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

I like her, but... we're not really connecting.

How long's it been?

About ten months.

And how often do you see each other?

Couple of times a week.

Well, why don't you try seeing each other

a little more often

and see if you connect a little more.

And if not, it may be time to move on.

Thanks for calling.

This is Han Solo,

and I'm going to be keeping you company

for the next few hours,

right here on the midnight shift.

Something's telling meit might be you

It's telling me it might be you...

Aren't you a little fat to be a stormtrooper?

Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.

Wait. Who are you?

I'm Luke Skywalker.

Me and Han Solo and Obi-Wan are here to rescue you.

Wait, Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Yeah.

Suddenly I'm not so fat, huh?

Come on, into the garbage chute.

She's right. Come on, Chewbacca.

What, are you kidding? It's probably full of disease.

I'm not jumping in there.

Not even if I throw this pig's ear?

Oh, come on, that's not fair.

- Go get it!

Oh, boy, great idea, Princess, diving into a pile of garbage.

Hey, when we get out of here, maybe you can show me around

your home planet of Alderaan. Aw...!

Too soon?

Hey, it could be worse.

It's worse.

The walls are closing!

- Oh, my God!

Listen to them, R-2. They're dying.

What do we do?

Only one thing to do, man.

You still got that bag I gave you?

So you think the Empire's gonna fall, man?

I-I-I don't... I don't know, man.

H-How you, how you, how you, how you doing right now?

Good. Why?

I think, I think, I think I... I think I may be

having sort of a... a mini freak-out here.

- Oh. - Just-Just...

Just tell me I don't have to stay in this room.

- What? - Just-Just tell me right now that I...

that I don't have to stay in this room.

You don't have to stay in this room.

Oh, thank God.

Thank God we're saved.

Look at this.

Who throws out half a pizza?

And look at this couch.

Somebody threw out a whole couch

and it's in great shape.

Yeah, you put a little Febreze on that,

scrub it out a little bit,

it'll look great in your apartment.

You know what?

I know we have a dangerous job to do here,

but I'm taking this.

I'm taking this couch.

All right, you ready?

All right, one, two, three.

Okay.

- Easy, easy, easy. - Okay.

- All right. - Easy, easy. Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop.

- Stop, stop, stop, stop. - What? What?

- Stop, stop. No, no, no. - What?

- Twist it. - I am.

No, no, no, no, no, other way, other way.

- You're twisting the wrong way. - Which way?

- What do you want me to do? - Just look down, all right.

Just look at me, look what I'm doing.

All right, you see the way I'm twisting it?

- Yeah. - Turn it that way from your end.

- Okay. - Okay.

No, no, no, no, no.

All right, just-just, hey, just put it down.

- Put it down. Just drop it. - All right.

- All right. - All right, let's...

just hang on and figure this out.

Han, there are stormtroopers all over the place.

Shouldn't we be getting out of here?

All right, okay, all right, okay.

I got it, I know... okay.

Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna take the cushions off,

unscrew the legs, take the mattress out

and this whole thing is gonna be a lot simpler.

It's easier than we're making it.

Hey, did you hear something?

Probably just another drill.

You know that last drill we had?

I was about to finally bone my girlfriend,

and then we heard that there was this drill

and she told me there was no way.

So, Obi-Wan...

we meet again.

What part of "stay 50 yards away at all times"

don't you understand?

Uh-oh.

Your powers are weak, old man.

Obi-Wan!

Boy, you got here just in time.

No...!

All right, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

All right, twist it counter-clockwise.

I am twisting it. You're twisting it the other way.

No, I mean counter-clockwise from where I'm standing

so that... so then you... so clockwise.

So, yeah, like that, yes,

yeah, so you twist it clockwise.

And okay... okay, go.

All right, you know what?

Put it down, put it down for a second.

My fingers are killing me.

Han, they're shooting at us!

All right, you know what? Lift it up tall ways.

Okay.

Aw, for cr... oh, it's wedged.

It's wedged. All right, okay, all right.

You know what? It's not going anywhere.

Let's just take off, we'll deal with it later.

All right, you get in the cockpit and I'll just...

I'll hang on to this thing as we go.

Easy.

I can't believe he's gone.

I know, Luke, but it's true.

He's gone.

I mean, you saw him get beheaded.

Nobody lives through that...

not for long, anyway.

I-I mean, sometimes the brain is still active

for a few minutes after the beheading,

but to be honest, I can't imagine

a worse kind of hell.

And unfortunately, hell is probably where he'll end up,

because the Christians

don't look too kindly on the whole Force thing.

Come on, kid, we're not out of the woods yet.

Here they come!

- Hey, Han! - What?

- Why do they call them "Tie Fighters"? - No idea!

They're coming too fast!

Oh, boy. Nickel for every time that's happened.

Just keep shooting, Luke!

Yeah-heh!

That's how we do it in my neighborhood, bitch!

I got him! I got him!

Great, kid! Don't get penis-y!

I just want to tell you both... good luck.

We're all counting on you.

Mom?

Yeah. Yeah we won.

Yeah, we won the battle.

Yeah, I'm... Yeah, I'm calling like you asked.

Okay. Okay, okay but... Okay, but I gotta go.

I got... I got other stuff to do.

O-O-Okay, okay, okay, but I gotta go.

Okay. Okay, yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes, Mom.

I-I love you too, Mom.

Okay, all right, good-bye.

P-choo. P-choo. Gotcha.

Thanks to the information in this R2 unit

provided by Princess Leia,

we should be able to mount a successful offensive

on the Death Star.

But first, please take a moment to watch

this instructional video.

Nothing but net.

Hi, I'm Magic Johnson with a few tips

on blowing up the Death Star.

First off, never forget your objective.

There are gonna be so many folks coming at you to slow you down,

you might feel like you got a bull's-eye on your head.

Naw, but they will be trying to kill you.

Also, don't forget you have teammates out there

watching your back,

unless you been messing around with their wife or girlfriend.

Naw, but they will be there to help you.

Lastly, you want to make sure you step back and take cover

after you sink that bucket,

'cause that sky gonna light up like the Fourth of July.

Naw, but there will be a large explosion.

Well, kid, I guess this is good-bye.

So, you got your reward and you're leaving. Is that it?

Well, when you say it that way,

I sound like a douche, but, yeah, that's what I'm doing.

What'd you get for a reward anyway?

Uh, let's see, I got 10% off a Netflix membership, um...

some nice Cracker Barrel cheddar,

uh, assorted lotions,

and... a little plastic champagne bottle

full of jelly beans...

and a little bear.

See? Little bear?

"Hey, Luke.

"We had fun on the Death Star."

Well, take care of yourself, Han.

I guess that's what you're best at.

Oh, look, a lightsaber cheese knife.

Mmm. Yuck.

All wings... check in.

Red three standing by.

Red six standing by.

Red five standing by.

Red Buttons standing by!

Redd Foxx standin' by!

Big Red standing by.

Red October standing by.

Helen Reddy standing by.

Simply Red standing by.

I'm going in.

Cover me, Porkins!

Uh, having a little trouble here.

Careful, Redd Foxx, there's one right on your tail!

Ah! I'm comin', Elizabeth!

OBI-WAN: Use the Force, Luke.

Obi-Wan?

Yeah, it's me.

Use the Force.

Force that thing in there.

Just like I showed you with those puppets...

but don't tell nobody 'cause you'll get in trouble.

Clark, I don't like the look of this neighborhood.

Come on, Ellen, it's important for the kids

to witness the plight of the rebellion.

Kids, you noticing all this plight?

Roll 'em up!

The Force is strong with this one.

you, you son of a bitch!

What am I, R2-Pac?

ANNOUNCER: The Death Star is getting closer.

And Leia's getting larger!

I have you now, young Skywalker!

And with today's gas prices, not a minute too soon.

What the deuce?

Yahoo!

Look at this. Look at how much more comfortable

we are now shooting stuff.

Phew!

OBI-WAN: Luke, the Force

will be with you always.

And so will I. Always.

'Course, when you get older and get some crow's feet,

I might lose interest.

The end.

Hey!

Well, Dad,

thanks for keeping us entertained.

That was a great story.

Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken

already do this three months ago?

Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Chris.

I-I don't think people are

even aware of that show's existence.

Well, I don't know, Dad.

I think a decent number of people watch it.

Oh really? Define "decent."

I think it's the highest-rated show

on Cartoon Network,

and the Star Wars episode

doubled that audience.

Well, yeah, but double ten people

is like 20 people, so, I mean,

what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know?

Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad.

It's a legitimate show,

and they beat you to the punch.

Uh... I-I don't know about that, Chris.

I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC...

You know, one of the real networks.

I don't know about that, Dad.

And besides, what's up with that 15-minute runtime?

Wh-What is that? It's like 15 minutes

of guys playing with Star Wars dolls?

Oh, yay, yay, tune me into that.

Oh, so you do know the show.

I read part of a review online.

I am not a fan.

You know, Dad, you're a real jerk!