Original subtitles

We now return to Sunday Golf on CBS.

And Nicholson here,

trying to save par, and there's Nicholson's wife.

- God, is she hot. - Look at that rack.

There's a downhill lie for you.

They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading.

How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth?

I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying.

COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg?

You'd her for a week and then get tired of her.

Yeah, you're right. That's what I do. That's my thing.

- But a hell of a week, though. - Hell of a week.

Oh, my God, the power's out.

What are we gonna do now?

Well, we could light some candles and read.

- Yeah, right. - Yeah, that'd be great.

Yeah, read the inside of my butt.

We could tell stories.

Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born?

Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth,

before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end.

Now, I got a better one.

This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons,

and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights.

This is the story of Star Wars.

Let's begin with Part 4.

You hear that? Sounds like we're being boarded from the rear,

and not the, "Hey, take a deep breath, let's experiment,"

- kind of boarded from the rear. - Could you hold on to this bag?

What if they come in a different door?

Damn! I was two days from retirement.

R2?

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

- All right, now what do I click? - Click "preferences."

- Okay, I clicked "preferences." - Now go to "default media browser."

Okay, there's a little hourglass and it's not letting me do anything.

- It says "buffering." What is that? - Just give it a minute.

All I'm trying to do is make an MPEG.

All I'm trying to do is tell you to wait a minute.

Okay, relax.

- Now click "import video file." - All right.

It's telling me I have to download RealPlayer 7.

You know what? I'll just bring it to him myself.

There she is.

You still got that bag I gave you? It's gonna be a long ride.

Hold your fire. There's no life forms aboard.

Hold your fire? What, are we paying by the laser now?

You don't do the budget, Terry. I do.

Hey, I'm gonna do some crosswords, but that doesn't mean I don't want to talk.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

My God, look at this mess.

"Hey, Darth Vader's gonna be here, shall we maybe clean the place up?

"No, it's okay, he won't mind."

Well, well, Princess Leia. Are you prepared to tell me

what you've done with the stolen Death Star plans?

All right, Lord Vader, you win.

I've hidden the plans in one of these 26 briefcases.

Ooh! Ooh!

Okay, okay, I'm feeling number 14, let's go with number 14.

It's okay, I'm just happy to be on TV. All right, take her away.

Okay, here's another one. Who would you rather do?

Jabba the Hutt right after a shower or a service droid?

- My father was a service droid. - Hey, where are you going?

You can kiss the lower part of the back of the canister that is my body.

Oh, man, this looks like the wrong neighborhood.

Oh, boy, it's okay, R2, calm down, be cool.

I ain't done nothing to antagonize nobody.

What, a droid can't walk down the desert no more?

I got rights, too. Who's there?

Any attack made by the rebels against this station would be a useless gesture,

no matter what technical data they've obtained.

This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.

That is fantastic, terrific work. So no weaknesses at all?

No... No.

You hesitated there. Is there something I should know?

No, it's virtually indestructible, like 99.99%.

Okay, wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't ask, what's the 0.01?

Well, I mean, there's this little hole.

It was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect.

And if you shoot a laser into this hole, the station blows up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

That sounds like a pretty big design flaw, then.

No, no, the hole's only 2 meters across.

- Well, that's no bigger than a womp rat. - Exactly.

And even to get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench.

It's not a big deal.

Can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something?

Well, that would look terrible. I mean, we gotta think about resale.

Resale? What are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset.

The value is only gonna go up.

Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market

haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale.

Nor has it...

I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location.

Twenty minutes to the beach, 20 minutes to downtown.

There's nothing to do downtown.

- Enough of this. Vader, release him. - As you wish.

All right, so we're gonna plug up that hole?

Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow, if price is no object.

Uh...

- We'll get estimates. - Get estimates, yeah, yeah.

Someone was in the pod. The tracks go off in this direction.

- Look, sir, droids. - Look, a penny.

Hey, thanks for the sex, early '90s printer.

All right, bring him on out.

Oh, God, it's 100 degrees out here.

If I pass out, please note that I'm wearing a LifeCall bracelet,

with all my insurance information.

Luke? Luke!

- Luke! - What?

Tell Uncle Owen not to tell you that your father is Darth Vader.

Aunt Beru, when are you guys going to let me join the Rebellion,

like all my friends?

Oh, stop whining, Luke, and come have some blue milk.

One of these days, I'm just gonna take off

and join the Rebellion, whether you like it or not.

Over my burnt carcass.

Hey, shut up with the noise.

- Shut up with the shut up. - You shut up with the shut up.

Shut up your face. Now my dog wanna shut up.

- Why you no shut up? - I'll make you shut up.

- You, too, shut up. - Hey, I poke out my head.

Some day, I'll get off this rock and fight the Empire.

John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra, everybody.

Now do the theme to The People's Court.

This oil bath is gonna feel so good.

Hey, you guys think that '90s printer looked clean, right?

Hey, there's something stuck in this R2 unit.

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

Whoever she is, she sounds like she's in trouble.

Is there any more to this message?

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She said Obi-Wan Kenobi.

I wonder if she means old Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Well, I guess I'll go bulls-eye some womp rats in my T-16.

My God, you shoot small animals for fun?

That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak.

There's two suns and no women. What the hell am I supposed to do?

- Master Luke, he's gone, he's gone. - What?

R2, he took off in the middle of the night, we gotta find him.

Oh, what the phantom menace is that guy's problem?

Hey, mind if I turn on the radio?

WTAT, Tatooine's all-talk radio.

My good friends, the liberal galacticmedia

is at it again, they never stop.

Now they're trying to convince us that Hoth is melting.

Well, that's crazy, just trying to scare us.

And if that wasn't enough to get you mad, we now have news that Lando Calrissian

has been made the chief administrator of the Bespin mining facility.

Gee, I wonder how he got that job. Well, let me tell you how he got that job.

Affirmative action strikes again. The time is 8:50.

R2, what are you doing out here?

He says there are several creatures approaching from the southeast.

That's not what I said.

I said there ain't a pack of menthols on this planet.

Well, I see some bantha tracks, but I don't see any...

Wait a minute, they're Sand People, all right, I can see one of them now.

Who the hell are you?

One lucky son of a bitch.

So, Luke, what brings your muscly arms out this way?

I'll show you, Mr. Obi-Wan. R2, play him the message.

General Kenobi, many years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars.

We need your help again. And, not to get too personal,

but you owe us after that mess you got into back on Alderaan.

And we paid to keep the families of those children quiet, so...

This is just, like, logistical stuff. I'll check that later.

...Joey Lawrence haircut.

So, I'll assume we can count on your help

to get the Death Star plans to my father on Alderaan.

The plans are stored inside this R2 unit.

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

All right now, what do I click?

Luke, you must learn the ways of the Force,

and come with me to Alderaan.

What's the Force?

The Force is what gives a Jedi Knight his power.

It surrounds us, it penetrates us.

Here, check this out.

Wow! This is cool.

Yeah, everyone in the neighborhood has one.

Hey, why would you hang that up? It looks so tantalizing.

You know, the Empire is gonna come looking for these droids.

But if they find out who the Jawa sold them to,

that could lead them back...

Home!

Luke, wait, it's too dangerous.

Get your fat space ass back here.

Uncle Owen?

Aunt Beru?

Oh, my God!

John Williams!

Great, now we gotta do the rest of this thing with Danny Elfman.

Mos Eisley spaceport.

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

My sister Regina-D2 lives here.

- Is she single? - She's a lez-bot.

- He doesn't like you. - Sorry.

I don't like you either.

You don't even know me.

You know what? That's fair.

I'm Pig Nose, and this is my brother-in-law, Scott.

He's visiting from Hoth.

I don't know why they call it Hoth. They should call it Coldth.

- Okay, settle down. - I'm up after the band.

Thank you. We're the Cantina Band. If you have any requests, shout 'em out.

- Play that same song. - All right, same song, here we go.

Hi, my sexy friend and I are looking for a ship to take us to Alderaan,

and I'm willing to pay big money.

Well, you've come to the right place.

I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon

and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie.

- Is it a fast ship? - Are you kidding?

It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

Isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?

Chewie, take these guys to the ship and get her ready.

Always gargle before a takeoff. Wokka wokka! All right, let's go.

Greedo, as a matter of fact, I was just going to see Jabba and tell him...

- Well, what do you think? - What a piece of junk!

Thank you, this was my brother's. He died of leukemia.

How do you feel now?

- You got any strawberry milk in there? - No, but she'll make 0.5 past light speed.

If you want, I'll show you around,

since no one's trying to stop the ship or blast us.

STORMTROOPER: Stop that ship, blast them.

Oh, now I can't show you around. Quick, get in the ship.

Looks like we got Imperial Cruisers on our tail.

Oh, look at that one on the left. Get off your cell phone, you are driving.

They're gaining on us.

We'll be safe enough, once we make the jump to hyperspace.

Besides, I know a few maneuvers. We'll lose 'em.

That was your maneuver? Moving slightly to the left?

Well, I mean, we're not in the same place we were, huh?

- That ought to confuse 'em. - Yeah, but you hardly did anything.

You just started listing lazily to the left.

I'm pretty sure they can keep up.

Where did they go?

There they are! They're listing lazily to the left. Go left, left!

Boy, this guy knows some maneuvers.

All right, strap yourselves in, I'm about to make the jump to light speed.

Did he say "strap in" or "strap on"?

Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky.

Governor Tarkin.

I recognized your foul stench as soon as I was brought onboard.

Um... Actually, that's me, I made a Darth doody.

Princess Leia, we've chosen to test our Death Star planet blower-upper gun

on your home planet of Alderaan.

- No! - She said no. Should we still do it?

Yeah.