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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,293 --> 00:00:04,963 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:08,383 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,467 --> 00:00:11,637 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,182 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:18,268 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:21,813 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,897 --> 00:00:23,315 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,398 --> 00:00:25,192 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:30,113 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:36,828 ANNOUNCER: We now return to How I Met Your Father. 11 00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:38,747 Oh, Barney, I'm never going to meet 12 00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:39,998 the right girl and get married. 13 00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:41,333 You know, Ted, don't you think 14 00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:43,252 it's kinda strange for a guy in his 20s 15 00:00:43,335 --> 00:00:44,628 to always be talking about getting married 16 00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,880 rather than getting laid? 17 00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:49,508 Barney, I'm in love with you. 18 00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:51,927 Suit up. 19 00:00:53,846 --> 00:00:55,055 All right, come on, everyone. 20 00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:57,349 Go get dressed. It's ballet night. 21 00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:59,059 (all groan) 22 00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:01,562 Lois, don't freakin' put me through this again. 23 00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:04,147 Peter, a little culture is good for this family. 24 00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:06,358 Besides, you liked The Nutcracker, didn't you? 25 00:01:06,441 --> 00:01:07,985 No, Lois, I did not. 26 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,404 The Nutcracker had zero physical comedy. 27 00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:12,155 And with a name like The Nutcracker 28 00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:14,074 I thought, "Oh, this will be worth a few yuks," 29 00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:16,243 but no, Lois, that title wrote a check 30 00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:18,495 that those queers on stage refused to cash. 31 00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,080 Peter, we're going. 32 00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:21,623 Well, we're not the first people 33 00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:23,584 to be dragged off against our will. 34 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:24,918 Are we there yet? No! 35 00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:26,461 No! Are there yet? 36 00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:27,546 Are we there yet? 37 00:01:27,629 --> 00:01:28,714 Damn it! I swear to God 38 00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:30,674 I will turn this ship around! 39 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,467 That works. Okay. It'll teach us a lesson. 40 00:01:32,551 --> 00:01:33,552 Yeah, that's even better. 41 00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:34,928 All right, if that's what you... 42 00:01:35,012 --> 00:01:36,180 Wait a minute! 43 00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:43,729 You know, Meg, female ballet dancers 44 00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,480 are famous for anorexia and bulimia. 45 00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:49,026 And, uh, it seems to work out for them, 46 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:52,529 so... hintity, hint-hint. 47 00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,281 Boy, this is gonna be long. 48 00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:57,367 So, uh, you kids develop any good pot connections 49 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:58,452 at your school yet? 50 00:01:58,535 --> 00:01:59,661 What? Yeah. 51 00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:01,038 Lois, we'll be right back. 52 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:03,248 Meg's gonna take me outside to poop. 53 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:08,295 ♪ ♪ 54 00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:16,678 (sighs) 55 00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:21,141 Hello. 56 00:02:21,225 --> 00:02:23,268 Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Peter, what's up? 57 00:02:23,352 --> 00:02:25,270 I'm stuck at the stupid ballet. 58 00:02:25,354 --> 00:02:26,480 Get out of here. You serious? 59 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:27,564 Yeah. So am I. 60 00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:28,649 What? 61 00:02:28,732 --> 00:02:29,733 Yeah, I got dragged here by this broad 62 00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:30,817 I'm trying to nail. 63 00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:31,902 Where you sitting? 64 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,029 Look across at the other balcony. I can see you. 65 00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:36,907 Oh, my God! What do we do?! What do we do?! 66 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:38,367 What do we do?! We're both here. 67 00:02:38,450 --> 00:02:40,994 Oh, my God! We should text each other! Hang up! Hang up! 68 00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:46,041 (buzzes) 69 00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:48,710 (laughs) 70 00:02:52,422 --> 00:02:53,841 (buzzes) 71 00:02:53,924 --> 00:02:55,175 Ha! 72 00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:01,849 Chris, how many times have I told you 73 00:03:01,932 --> 00:03:03,433 no reading during meals? 74 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,269 I have a history test today, Mom, 75 00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:06,770 and I couldn't study last night 76 00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:09,147 because you made us go to the ballet. 77 00:03:09,231 --> 00:03:11,608 Well, Chris, you're not gonna learn any history from this. 78 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:14,653 This textbook is from 1948. What? 79 00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:15,988 Chapter 3: 80 00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:19,074 "Youth culture rebels with Big Band music." 81 00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:20,450 Let me see that. 82 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:24,329 "Israel, the brand-new country everyone's gonna love." 83 00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:26,039 What the hell? Are the schools so underfunded 84 00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:28,250 that they can't afford textbooks from this century? 85 00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:30,169 Well, I am going to raise hell about this 86 00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:31,753 at the next PTA meeting. 87 00:03:31,837 --> 00:03:33,172 Well, let me know if you need help. 88 00:03:33,255 --> 00:03:34,506 I can be very persuasive. 89 00:03:34,590 --> 00:03:37,176 I gave the next speech after the Braveheart guy. 90 00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:39,219 They can take our lives, 91 00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:42,264 but they can never take our freedom! 92 00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:44,099 (cheering) 93 00:03:44,183 --> 00:03:46,894 And... and let's not forget the tax 94 00:03:46,977 --> 00:03:48,228 they levied on properties 95 00:03:48,312 --> 00:03:50,814 that are in abutment of church lands. 96 00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,317 So, yeah, let's do it. 97 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:54,693 (light applause) 98 00:03:59,323 --> 00:04:01,116 All right, let's get this meeting underway. 99 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,534 For our first order of business, 100 00:04:02,618 --> 00:04:04,244 we'll go to Bruce. 101 00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:07,080 (singsong): Well, hey, y'all said my name. 102 00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:09,541 Welcome to our meeting here at the school. 103 00:04:09,625 --> 00:04:12,211 We got lots of exciting topics here tonight. 104 00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:15,005 We gonna have a puppet show. We gonna have some jazz. 105 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,632 No, I'm just kidding. 106 00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:19,384 We have some business to take care of, though. 107 00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:21,512 I'm sorry I pulled y'all's legs. 108 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:24,932 I'm just a little excited 'cause I met somebody today. 109 00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:27,142 (singsong): Someone in the bookstore. 110 00:04:27,226 --> 00:04:30,687 Someone who likes the same kind of literature as I do. 111 00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:33,232 Oh, and the adventure begins again. 112 00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:34,858 Excuse me, Principal Shepherd. 113 00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,485 There's something I'd like to discuss. 114 00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:39,238 The school has gone too far with these budget cuts. 115 00:04:39,321 --> 00:04:42,032 I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin, but the No Child Left Behind law 116 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,909 cost us our federal funding 117 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:46,161 because our students' test scores were too low. 118 00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:49,289 They cut a school's funding if it's got low test scores? 119 00:04:49,373 --> 00:04:52,251 This is not what the founding fathers had in mind. 120 00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:53,669 Okay, we're here to sign 121 00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:55,504 this declaration of our independence. 122 00:04:55,587 --> 00:04:56,755 Let's take roll call first. 123 00:04:56,839 --> 00:04:57,840 Thomas Jefferson? 124 00:04:57,923 --> 00:04:58,924 Here. 125 00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:00,425 Benjamin Franklin. Here. 126 00:05:00,509 --> 00:05:01,552 John Footpenis? 127 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:02,636 It's Hancock now. 128 00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:03,720 Why? 129 00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,347 Mind your business. That's why. 130 00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:06,974 Well, somehow this school needs 131 00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:09,059 to raise its test scores right away. 132 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,645 I suppose there is one thing I can do 133 00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:13,063 to raise the school's test average. 134 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,189 Then do it. 135 00:05:14,273 --> 00:05:15,691 All right, we'll drop 136 00:05:15,774 --> 00:05:17,526 the dumbest student we have: 137 00:05:17,609 --> 00:05:20,028 Chris Griffin is hereby expelled. 138 00:05:20,112 --> 00:05:21,572 But if I leave now, 139 00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:23,699 I won't hear who's the dumbest kid in the school. 140 00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:31,707 Cool, I don't have to go to school. 141 00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:34,209 I can just pee in my bed all day. 142 00:05:34,293 --> 00:05:36,587 Chris, being expelled is a serious thing. 143 00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,797 Peter, we've got to find another school for him. 144 00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:40,674 I say, I could home-school him. 145 00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:44,219 After all, I taught Cleveland how to make Jiffy Pop. 146 00:05:44,303 --> 00:05:47,514 Oh! (laughing) 147 00:05:47,598 --> 00:05:49,683 Oh! Oh! 148 00:05:52,895 --> 00:05:55,480 So do you think your school would be right for Chris? 149 00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:56,940 Oh, absolutely. 150 00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,984 Quahog School for the Deaf has great programs, 151 00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:01,111 both academic and athletic. 152 00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:03,906 In fact, you're just in time for our homecoming pep rally. 153 00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:06,283 What are we gonna do to Lincoln?! 154 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:07,534 Kill them! 155 00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:09,369 I can't hear you! 156 00:06:09,453 --> 00:06:10,829 Kill them! 157 00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:12,623 I can't hear you! 158 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,208 Kill them! 159 00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:16,168 I can't hear you! 160 00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:17,503 Kill them! 161 00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:19,296 I can't hear you! 162 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,048 Kill them! 163 00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:22,132 Let's just go. 164 00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:28,222 Welcome to the Quahog Maritime School, Chris. 165 00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:30,390 Our curriculum consists of being on boats 166 00:06:30,474 --> 00:06:32,976 for long periods of time with men, just men 167 00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,686 for many days at a time. 168 00:06:34,770 --> 00:06:36,772 Up on the deck with lots of men 169 00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:38,690 or down in the galley with lots of men. 170 00:06:38,774 --> 00:06:40,734 Is this some kind of pirate school? 171 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:42,945 Well, a certain kind of pirate. 172 00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:44,446 Yes, we've been called that. 173 00:06:44,530 --> 00:06:45,656 I don't know. 174 00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:47,950 Is there some kind of preschool program? 175 00:06:50,786 --> 00:06:52,079 You know, I have to admit 176 00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:53,997 I've always been a little worried about Chris, 177 00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:55,874 but I guess I just convinced myself 178 00:06:55,958 --> 00:06:57,417 things would work out for him, 179 00:06:57,501 --> 00:06:58,919 but with no education, 180 00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:00,963 what kind of future can he possibly have? 181 00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:02,673 What are we supposed to do, Lois? 182 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:04,341 I mean, it's not like the high school will take him back. 183 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,844 And every other school we've tried just doesn't... 184 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,428 Oh, crap! 185 00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:27,322 (squawks) 186 00:07:31,493 --> 00:07:32,703 (squawks) 187 00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:52,181 Ah! 188 00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:54,850 (squawks) 189 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,410 (subway train screeching) 190 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:14,494 (squawks) 191 00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:22,252 (people scream) 192 00:08:31,094 --> 00:08:32,304 (screams) 193 00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:02,209 ♪ ♪ 194 00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:05,963 My son got into DeVry. 195 00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:07,256 Ah, good. 196 00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:09,091 What'd he have to do, open the door? 197 00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:11,510 (sighs): Can't you let me have anything? 198 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,140 (man screams) 199 00:09:17,683 --> 00:09:19,184 (squawks) 200 00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:23,021 (both shriek) 201 00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:53,260 ♪ ♪ 202 00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:04,938 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hang on. Hang on. 203 00:10:05,022 --> 00:10:06,857 What are we fighting about? 204 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,609 You know, I have completely forgotten. 205 00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:09,818 Me, too. 206 00:10:09,902 --> 00:10:11,778 Something about a coupon. It's all... 207 00:10:11,862 --> 00:10:13,322 I cannot for the life of me remember. 208 00:10:13,405 --> 00:10:14,740 Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. 209 00:10:14,823 --> 00:10:16,658 You know what? I-I just... I hope I didn't hurt you. 210 00:10:16,742 --> 00:10:18,327 No, no, no. I... I'm all right. I'm all right.. 211 00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:21,121 But listen, you know what? Let me make it up to you. 212 00:10:21,205 --> 00:10:23,707 Why don't you let my wife and I take you out to dinner? 213 00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,292 Well, that sounds lovely. 214 00:10:27,586 --> 00:10:29,171 Uh, that was delicious. 215 00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:31,089 You know, I drive by this place all the time 216 00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:33,217 and I've never been inside; isn't that funny? 217 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:35,552 Y-Yeah, you know, Nicole and I came here by accident. 218 00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:37,554 W-We had reservations at another place 219 00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:39,348 and they... right, right, honey? 220 00:10:39,431 --> 00:10:40,933 Yeah, they couldn't seat us for like an hour, 221 00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:42,518 so we ended up coming here and we just loved it. 222 00:10:42,601 --> 00:10:44,144 Loved it. I can see why. 223 00:10:44,228 --> 00:10:45,479 I mean, th-that halibut was... 224 00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:47,940 that, may have been the best halibut I've ever had. 225 00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:49,816 Well, glad we talked you out of the pork chops, huh? 226 00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:50,984 Yes! Thank you! 227 00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,861 (chuckling) 228 00:10:52,945 --> 00:10:54,821 Oh, oh, oh, lemme, lemme, let me... I-I'll get that. 229 00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:56,323 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I got it. 230 00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:58,116 No, no, no, no, no. I'm taking care of this. 231 00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,952 No, no, no, no, your money's no good here. 232 00:11:00,035 --> 00:11:01,245 My food was more expensive. 233 00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:02,538 I feel bad. If I... 234 00:11:02,621 --> 00:11:04,039 We invited you. I've got this. 235 00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:05,374 Look, just let go of the check, huh. 236 00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:06,667 You let go of the check. 237 00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:07,918 I'm not taking my hand off this thing. 238 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,920 Well, neither am I. 239 00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,547 Let go of the check. 240 00:11:11,630 --> 00:11:13,173 Ernie, if he wants to... Stay out of this! 241 00:11:13,257 --> 00:11:14,800 Don't you talk to my wife like that! 242 00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:16,718 Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it? 243 00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:47,291 (electric knife whirring) 244 00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,001 (bubbling) 245 00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:50,961 Aah! 246 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,379 (screaming) 247 00:11:57,843 --> 00:12:01,013 (pants) 248 00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:19,239 (panting) 249 00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:20,741 Sorry. 250 00:12:20,824 --> 00:12:22,367 And every other school we've tried 251 00:12:22,451 --> 00:12:24,328 just doesn't seem to be a good fit for Chris. 252 00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:26,580 Well, there is one other option. 253 00:12:29,583 --> 00:12:32,336 Daddy, there's something I need you to do for me. 254 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,880 Chris got expelled from James Woods High, 255 00:12:34,963 --> 00:12:37,049 and, well, I was wondering if you could get him 256 00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:39,551 into that fancy boarding school you went to. 257 00:12:39,635 --> 00:12:42,221 You want me to get Chris into Morningwood Academy? 258 00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:44,306 It would mean so much to our family. 259 00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:46,975 All right, I'll pull some strings on one condition: 260 00:12:47,059 --> 00:12:49,811 I want Peter to do something really humiliating. 261 00:12:49,895 --> 00:12:51,980 Well, what did you have in mind? 262 00:12:52,064 --> 00:12:54,816 He has to shoot and star in a shot-for-shot remake 263 00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:57,277 of Liar, Liar for my amusement. 264 00:12:57,361 --> 00:12:58,654 Do you know why I stopped you? 265 00:12:58,737 --> 00:12:59,738 I didn't fasten my seat belt. 266 00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:01,073 I didn't look in my rear view mirror. 267 00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:03,200 I didn't signal when I pulled away from the curb. I almost hit a Chevy. 268 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:04,952 I changed lanes in the intersection without signaling. 269 00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:08,497 I changed lanes while running a red light and speeding! 270 00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:10,290 Ha...! 271 00:13:17,214 --> 00:13:18,632 Well, Chris, here we are. 272 00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:21,051 Wow, this school is really nice. 273 00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:22,219 Boy, a degree from here 274 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,804 would set you up with any job you wanted. 275 00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:26,223 Yes, I should attend this institution. 276 00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:29,184 Perhaps one day I could be more powerful than King Friday. 277 00:13:29,268 --> 00:13:32,187 I am the supreme ruler of the Neighborhood of Make Believe. 278 00:13:32,271 --> 00:13:35,357 All will kneel before my... (train whistles) 279 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,527 (sighs) What kind of freakin' king lives next to the train tracks? 280 00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:40,487 What is this, Mexico? 281 00:13:43,657 --> 00:13:44,658 Hi. 282 00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:46,326 Is this room 214? 283 00:13:46,410 --> 00:13:48,245 Oh, you must be our new dorm mate. 284 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,746 I'm Rogers Chapstick, 285 00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:51,790 heir to the Chapstick fortune. 286 00:13:51,874 --> 00:13:55,586 And this is Virgil MasterCard, heir to the MasterCard fortune. 287 00:13:55,669 --> 00:14:02,176 Oh, yes, yes, how do you do, sirrrr? 288 00:14:02,259 --> 00:14:04,469 And this is James Bottomtooth IV. 289 00:14:04,553 --> 00:14:06,638 (speaking unintelligibly) 290 00:14:06,722 --> 00:14:08,765 Uh... I'm Chris. 291 00:14:08,849 --> 00:14:10,142 Let me get those bags for you. 292 00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:11,226 Johann? 293 00:14:13,896 --> 00:14:14,897 (whispering) 294 00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:16,398 Um, oh, dear. 295 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:19,568 Johann tells me your luggage is the luggage of the poor. 296 00:14:19,651 --> 00:14:22,029 Well... I am poor. 297 00:14:22,112 --> 00:14:23,280 Oh. 298 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,490 Oh, I see. 299 00:14:36,627 --> 00:14:37,669 What the...? Aah! Ow! 300 00:14:37,753 --> 00:14:39,254 Ow! Ow! Ow! 301 00:14:39,338 --> 00:14:40,380 Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! 302 00:14:40,464 --> 00:14:42,341 This school is not for your kind! 303 00:14:42,424 --> 00:14:43,634 Why?! 304 00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:46,595 (speaking unintelligibly) 305 00:14:46,678 --> 00:14:49,681 I still don't fully understand! 306 00:14:59,316 --> 00:15:00,651 ...and that was the third time 307 00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:02,277 I slept with Katherine Harris. 308 00:15:02,361 --> 00:15:05,531 Well, I love her politics, but how is she in bed? 309 00:15:05,614 --> 00:15:07,616 Well, as anyone in Florida will tell you, 310 00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:09,201 she knows how to rig an erection. 311 00:15:09,284 --> 00:15:11,245 (laughing haughtily) 312 00:15:11,328 --> 00:15:13,205 (sustained laugh) 313 00:15:13,288 --> 00:15:15,082 One time I picked my nose 314 00:15:15,165 --> 00:15:17,668 and I swear I could feel the bottom of my eye. 315 00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:19,336 Shut up, poor kid. 316 00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:20,796 No, I'm serious. Look! 317 00:15:26,885 --> 00:15:28,762 So, Chris, how's the new school? 318 00:15:28,846 --> 00:15:31,265 It's awful. I hate it! 319 00:15:31,348 --> 00:15:33,892 Everybody's mean to me because I'm not rich. 320 00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:35,811 Oh, no, Chris, that's horrible. 321 00:15:35,894 --> 00:15:37,563 All right, look, I'll tell you what. 322 00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:40,357 I'll call Daddy and I'll see if there's anything he can do. 323 00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:44,486 Phew. 324 00:15:44,570 --> 00:15:45,988 Well, that's enough fun for one day. 325 00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:48,782 I'm sweating more than a non-legacy applying to Yale. 326 00:15:48,866 --> 00:15:51,451 (laughing haughtily) 327 00:15:51,535 --> 00:15:56,039 (sustained laugh) 328 00:15:56,123 --> 00:16:00,669 (sustained laugh) 329 00:16:02,713 --> 00:16:04,381 (groans) 330 00:16:05,007 --> 00:16:06,341 (gasps) 331 00:16:06,425 --> 00:16:07,676 (screams) 332 00:16:09,261 --> 00:16:10,387 (echoing footsteps) 333 00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:15,267 Where am I? 334 00:16:16,226 --> 00:16:17,311 Grandpa? 335 00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:18,687 What are you doing here? 336 00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:21,857 Chris, welcome to the Skull and Bones Society. 337 00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:24,026 This is where the most powerful men in the world 338 00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:25,527 are groomed for their futures. 339 00:16:25,611 --> 00:16:27,779 Every president, every CEO, 340 00:16:27,863 --> 00:16:29,740 every douchebag named Ryan Seacrest. 341 00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:31,408 The Skull and Bones Society 342 00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,577 has been a part of my family for decades, 343 00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:35,495 and we want you to become a member. 344 00:16:35,579 --> 00:16:37,831 Really? Wow, cool! 345 00:16:37,915 --> 00:16:39,082 Excellent. 346 00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:40,792 You get your own stock portfolio, 347 00:16:40,876 --> 00:16:42,711 a percentage of the 9/11 Victims' Fund, 348 00:16:42,794 --> 00:16:45,005 and the best medical care on the planet. 349 00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:47,549 You'll be kept as healthy as a horse. 350 00:16:47,633 --> 00:16:49,301 So, how's that leg doing? 351 00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:50,469 Great. Great. 352 00:16:50,552 --> 00:16:51,803 Never better. Good. 353 00:16:51,887 --> 00:16:53,347 Why don't you try putting some weight on it? 354 00:16:53,430 --> 00:16:55,349 Eh, sure. 355 00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:56,767 (pained): Yes! Yes! 356 00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,393 Oh, that's good. That feels good. 357 00:16:58,477 --> 00:16:59,811 Very strong. 358 00:16:59,895 --> 00:17:02,606 Sorry, Thunder, I gotta put you down. 359 00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:04,733 (screams) How's your leg, huh?! 360 00:17:04,816 --> 00:17:06,151 How's your leg?! You ready to race?! 361 00:17:06,235 --> 00:17:07,236 Huh?! 362 00:17:07,319 --> 00:17:09,488 (sings starting gate fanfare) 363 00:17:12,324 --> 00:17:14,409 TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Japanese Girls 364 00:17:14,493 --> 00:17:16,578 Think Small Versions of Things Are Really Cute. 365 00:17:16,662 --> 00:17:18,705 Oh, look at my tiny dog. 366 00:17:18,789 --> 00:17:20,332 I'm gonna put it in my tiny purse. 367 00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:21,583 (giggles) 368 00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:23,001 Tiny phone! 369 00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:24,169 Tiny everything! 370 00:17:24,253 --> 00:17:26,505 (giggling) 371 00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:28,715 Peter, have you seen this tuition bill? 372 00:17:28,799 --> 00:17:31,885 Morningwood Academy is charging us $30,000. 373 00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:34,513 Well, looks like we're all gonna have to take second jobs. 374 00:17:34,596 --> 00:17:36,473 I guess I'll see if I can get my old gig back 375 00:17:36,557 --> 00:17:38,392 selling buttscratchers at the ballpark. 376 00:17:38,475 --> 00:17:39,935 Buttscratcher! 377 00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:41,895 Buttscratcher! Get your buttscratcher here! 378 00:17:41,979 --> 00:17:42,980 Buttscratcher! 379 00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:44,064 Buttscratcher! 380 00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:45,148 Buttscratcher! 381 00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:46,233 Buttscratcher. 382 00:17:46,316 --> 00:17:47,317 Buttscratcher. 383 00:17:47,401 --> 00:17:48,402 Buttscratcher! 384 00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:49,486 Buttscratcher! 385 00:17:53,782 --> 00:17:55,200 Chris, come here. You'll love this. 386 00:17:55,284 --> 00:17:56,994 The first Thursday of every month 387 00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:59,079 we go to a local orphanage, pick out a kid, 388 00:17:59,162 --> 00:18:01,540 fill out all the paperwork and then don't take him home. 389 00:18:01,623 --> 00:18:02,708 It's hilarious. 390 00:18:02,791 --> 00:18:04,459 That sounds kind of cruel. 391 00:18:04,543 --> 00:18:06,003 No, no, you'll love it. It's great. 392 00:18:08,338 --> 00:18:09,339 Come on. 393 00:18:09,423 --> 00:18:10,424 Come on in. 394 00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:11,884 Your family's waiting in here. 395 00:18:11,967 --> 00:18:14,386 There are toys. And a puppy. 396 00:18:14,469 --> 00:18:16,889 And food that's not served from warming trays. 397 00:18:20,309 --> 00:18:22,728 Come on. You gotta want it. 398 00:18:22,811 --> 00:18:25,230 Ah, you gotta do better than that. 399 00:18:25,314 --> 00:18:28,567 Okay, I guess you don't want a new family, toys, and a puppy. 400 00:18:28,650 --> 00:18:29,776 (tires screech) 401 00:18:33,530 --> 00:18:35,782 Hi, everybody, I'm home. 402 00:18:35,866 --> 00:18:36,950 Hi, Chris. Hello. Hey, how are you? 403 00:18:37,034 --> 00:18:39,161 Well, tell us everything, sweetie. 404 00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:40,579 How's school going so far? 405 00:18:40,662 --> 00:18:41,788 It's great, Mom. 406 00:18:41,872 --> 00:18:43,540 I got powerful connections now, 407 00:18:43,624 --> 00:18:44,708 thanks to Grandpa. 408 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,043 Chris, I'd give you a hug, 409 00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:47,711 but I'm exhausted from working two jobs 410 00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,379 to pay your tuition. 411 00:18:49,463 --> 00:18:50,672 I've been selling buttscratchers. 412 00:18:50,756 --> 00:18:52,174 Buttscratcher! No, Peter. 413 00:18:52,257 --> 00:18:53,884 Buttscratcher. Peter, no. 414 00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:55,761 Buttscratcher! No! 415 00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:57,679 (sadly): Buttscratcher. 416 00:18:57,763 --> 00:19:01,725 Dad, you... you got an extra job just to put me through school? 417 00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:03,101 We all did, Chris. 418 00:19:03,185 --> 00:19:04,853 Meg and I have been working nights. 419 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,023 I'll take the one on the right. 420 00:19:08,106 --> 00:19:11,193 Well, once again, Meg, I'll be back in an hour. 421 00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:14,238 And I got a job following fat people around with a tuba. 422 00:19:15,948 --> 00:19:17,866 (playing comical tune) 423 00:19:17,950 --> 00:19:19,535 Stop it. 424 00:19:19,618 --> 00:19:21,662 Cut it out. 425 00:19:21,745 --> 00:19:23,997 I have a glandular problem. 426 00:19:24,081 --> 00:19:25,332 (tuba whinnies) 427 00:19:25,415 --> 00:19:26,875 That'll be $60. 428 00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:37,135 You wanted to see me, Grandpa? 429 00:19:37,219 --> 00:19:38,220 Yes, Chris. 430 00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:39,596 Your pledge period is over. 431 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,056 The Skull and Bones elders 432 00:19:41,139 --> 00:19:43,308 are now ready to admit you to our ranks. 433 00:19:43,392 --> 00:19:45,936 As is customary with all our new members, 434 00:19:46,019 --> 00:19:47,855 you now have to spend seven minutes in the closet 435 00:19:47,938 --> 00:19:49,606 with our most senior member. 436 00:19:49,690 --> 00:19:53,026 We don't start the clock until the door closes. 437 00:19:53,110 --> 00:19:55,612 You know, Grandpa, I don't think I want to go through with it. 438 00:19:55,696 --> 00:19:56,864 We all had to do it, Chris. 439 00:19:56,947 --> 00:19:58,532 Now get in there. No, I mean, 440 00:19:58,615 --> 00:20:00,659 I think I want to go back to my old school. 441 00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:03,453 My family's working so hard to pay my tuition here, 442 00:20:03,537 --> 00:20:05,205 and I feel bad. 443 00:20:05,289 --> 00:20:08,542 Is there any way you can get me back into James Woods High? 444 00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,961 Well, I suppose I could pull some strings 445 00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:12,629 if that's really what you want, Chris. 446 00:20:12,713 --> 00:20:13,755 It is. 447 00:20:13,839 --> 00:20:15,340 All right, consider it done. 448 00:20:15,424 --> 00:20:16,675 Thanks, Grandpa. 449 00:20:18,177 --> 00:20:20,762 Sorry, Master Herbert. Sorry? 450 00:20:20,846 --> 00:20:23,599 You better get your ass in that closet, Pewterschmidt. 451 00:20:23,682 --> 00:20:25,517 Yes, sir. 452 00:20:25,601 --> 00:20:27,644 I am so tired of you. 453 00:20:31,523 --> 00:20:33,650 Ah, it's good to have you back, buddy. 454 00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:34,818 Thanks, Dad. 455 00:20:34,902 --> 00:20:36,612 I didn't really fit in there anyway. 456 00:20:36,695 --> 00:20:38,614 The rooms were only 15x20. 457 00:20:38,697 --> 00:20:42,034 (laughing) 458 00:20:42,117 --> 00:20:43,827 If I didn't learn to laugh at myself, 459 00:20:43,911 --> 00:20:45,329 I'd be dead right now. 460 00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:47,289 Why don't you take your stuff up to your room, Chris? 461 00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:49,291 Okay, Mom. 462 00:20:50,334 --> 00:20:51,376 (tuba playing) 463 00:20:51,460 --> 00:20:53,795 Cut it out. 464 00:20:53,879 --> 00:20:56,048 I'm just trying to live my life. 465 00:20:56,131 --> 00:20:58,342 No one taught me about carbs. 466 00:20:58,425 --> 00:20:59,927 (tuba whinnies) 467 00:21:02,179 --> 00:21:04,681 ♪ 32739

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