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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:08,383
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,467 --> 00:00:11,637
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,182
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:18,268
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:21,813
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,897 --> 00:00:23,315
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,398 --> 00:00:25,192
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:30,113
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:36,828
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to How I Met Your Father.
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00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:38,747
Oh, Barney, I'm never
going to meet
12
00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:39,998
the right girl
and get married.
13
00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:41,333
You know, Ted,
don't you think
14
00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:43,252
it's kinda strange
for a guy in his 20s
15
00:00:43,335 --> 00:00:44,628
to always be talking
about getting married
16
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,880
rather than
getting laid?
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00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:49,508
Barney, I'm in love
with you.
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00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:51,927
Suit up.
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00:00:53,846 --> 00:00:55,055
All right,
come on, everyone.
20
00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:57,349
Go get dressed.
It's ballet night.
21
00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:59,059
(all groan)
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00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:01,562
Lois, don't freakin'
put me through this again.
23
00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:04,147
Peter, a little culture
is good for this family.
24
00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:06,358
Besides, you liked
The Nutcracker, didn't you?
25
00:01:06,441 --> 00:01:07,985
No, Lois, I did not.
26
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,404
The Nutcracker
had zero physical comedy.
27
00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:12,155
And with a name
like The Nutcracker
28
00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:14,074
I thought, "Oh, this
will be worth a few yuks,"
29
00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:16,243
but no, Lois, that title
wrote a check
30
00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:18,495
that those queers
on stage refused to cash.
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00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,080
Peter, we're going.
32
00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:21,623
Well, we're not the first people
33
00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:23,584
to be dragged off
against our will.
34
00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:24,918
Are we there yet?
No!
35
00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:26,461
No!
Are there yet?
36
00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:27,546
Are we there yet?
37
00:01:27,629 --> 00:01:28,714
Damn it!
I swear to God
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00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:30,674
I will turn
this ship around!
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00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,467
That works.
Okay. It'll teach us a lesson.
40
00:01:32,551 --> 00:01:33,552
Yeah, that's
even better.
41
00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:34,928
All right,
if that's what you...
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00:01:35,012 --> 00:01:36,180
Wait a minute!
43
00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:43,729
You know, Meg,
female ballet dancers
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00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,480
are famous for
anorexia and bulimia.
45
00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:49,026
And, uh, it seems
to work out for them,
46
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:52,529
so... hintity,
hint-hint.
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00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,281
Boy, this is gonna be long.
48
00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:57,367
So, uh, you kids develop
any good pot connections
49
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:58,452
at your school yet?
50
00:01:58,535 --> 00:01:59,661
What?
Yeah.
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00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:01,038
Lois, we'll be right back.
52
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:03,248
Meg's gonna take me
outside to poop.
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00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:08,295
♪ ♪
54
00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:16,678
(sighs)
55
00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:21,141
Hello.
56
00:02:21,225 --> 00:02:23,268
Hey, Quagmire.
Hey, Peter, what's up?
57
00:02:23,352 --> 00:02:25,270
I'm stuck at the stupid ballet.
58
00:02:25,354 --> 00:02:26,480
Get out of here. You serious?
59
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:27,564
Yeah.
So am I.
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00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:28,649
What?
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00:02:28,732 --> 00:02:29,733
Yeah, I got dragged here
by this broad
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00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:30,817
I'm trying to nail.
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00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:31,902
Where you sitting?
64
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,029
Look across at the other
balcony. I can see you.
65
00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:36,907
Oh, my God! What do we do?!
What do we do?!
66
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:38,367
What do we do?!
We're both here.
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00:02:38,450 --> 00:02:40,994
Oh, my God! We should text
each other! Hang up! Hang up!
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00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:46,041
(buzzes)
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00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:48,710
(laughs)
70
00:02:52,422 --> 00:02:53,841
(buzzes)
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00:02:53,924 --> 00:02:55,175
Ha!
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00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:01,849
Chris, how many times
have I told you
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00:03:01,932 --> 00:03:03,433
no reading
during meals?
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00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,269
I have a history test
today, Mom,
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00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:06,770
and I couldn't study
last night
76
00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:09,147
because you made us go
to the ballet.
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00:03:09,231 --> 00:03:11,608
Well, Chris, you're not gonna
learn any history from this.
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00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:14,653
This textbook is from 1948.
What?
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00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:15,988
Chapter 3:
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00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:19,074
"Youth culture rebels
with Big Band music."
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00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:20,450
Let me see that.
82
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:24,329
"Israel, the brand-new country
everyone's gonna love."
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00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:26,039
What the hell?
Are the schools so underfunded
84
00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:28,250
that they can't
afford textbooks from this century?
85
00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:30,169
Well, I am going to raise hell
about this
86
00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:31,753
at the next PTA meeting.
87
00:03:31,837 --> 00:03:33,172
Well, let me know
if you need help.
88
00:03:33,255 --> 00:03:34,506
I can be very persuasive.
89
00:03:34,590 --> 00:03:37,176
I gave the next speech
after the Braveheart guy.
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00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:39,219
They can take our lives,
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00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:42,264
but they can never take
our freedom!
92
00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:44,099
(cheering)
93
00:03:44,183 --> 00:03:46,894
And... and let's
not forget the tax
94
00:03:46,977 --> 00:03:48,228
they levied
on properties
95
00:03:48,312 --> 00:03:50,814
that are in abutment
of church lands.
96
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,317
So, yeah, let's do it.
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00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:54,693
(light applause)
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00:03:59,323 --> 00:04:01,116
All right, let's get
this meeting underway.
99
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,534
For our first order
of business,
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00:04:02,618 --> 00:04:04,244
we'll go to Bruce.
101
00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:07,080
(singsong):
Well, hey, y'all said my name.
102
00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:09,541
Welcome to our meeting
here at the school.
103
00:04:09,625 --> 00:04:12,211
We got lots of exciting
topics here tonight.
104
00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:15,005
We gonna have a puppet show.
We gonna have some jazz.
105
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,632
No, I'm just kidding.
106
00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:19,384
We have some business
to take care of, though.
107
00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:21,512
I'm sorry I pulled y'all's legs.
108
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:24,932
I'm just a little excited
'cause I met somebody today.
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00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:27,142
(singsong):
Someone in the bookstore.
110
00:04:27,226 --> 00:04:30,687
Someone who likes the same kind
of literature as I do.
111
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:33,232
Oh, and the adventure begins
again.
112
00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:34,858
Excuse me,
Principal Shepherd.
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00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,485
There's something
I'd like to discuss.
114
00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:39,238
The school has gone too far
with these budget cuts.
115
00:04:39,321 --> 00:04:42,032
I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin,
but the No Child Left Behind law
116
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,909
cost us our federal funding
117
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:46,161
because our students'
test scores were too low.
118
00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:49,289
They cut a school's funding
if it's got low test scores?
119
00:04:49,373 --> 00:04:52,251
This is not what the
founding fathers had in mind.
120
00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:53,669
Okay, we're here to sign
121
00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:55,504
this declaration
of our independence.
122
00:04:55,587 --> 00:04:56,755
Let's take roll call first.
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00:04:56,839 --> 00:04:57,840
Thomas Jefferson?
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00:04:57,923 --> 00:04:58,924
Here.
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00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:00,425
Benjamin Franklin.
Here.
126
00:05:00,509 --> 00:05:01,552
John Footpenis?
127
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:02,636
It's Hancock now.
128
00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:03,720
Why?
129
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,347
Mind your business.
That's why.
130
00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:06,974
Well, somehow this school needs
131
00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:09,059
to raise its test scores
right away.
132
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,645
I suppose there is one thing
I can do
133
00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:13,063
to raise the school's
test average.
134
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,189
Then do it.
135
00:05:14,273 --> 00:05:15,691
All right, we'll drop
136
00:05:15,774 --> 00:05:17,526
the dumbest student we have:
137
00:05:17,609 --> 00:05:20,028
Chris Griffin
is hereby expelled.
138
00:05:20,112 --> 00:05:21,572
But if I leave now,
139
00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:23,699
I won't hear who's
the dumbest kid in the school.
140
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:31,707
Cool, I don't have
to go to school.
141
00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:34,209
I can just pee in my bed
all day.
142
00:05:34,293 --> 00:05:36,587
Chris, being expelled
is a serious thing.
143
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,797
Peter, we've got to find
another school for him.
144
00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:40,674
I say, I could home-school him.
145
00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:44,219
After all, I taught Cleveland
how to make Jiffy Pop.
146
00:05:44,303 --> 00:05:47,514
Oh! (laughing)
147
00:05:47,598 --> 00:05:49,683
Oh! Oh!
148
00:05:52,895 --> 00:05:55,480
So do you think your school
would be right for Chris?
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00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:56,940
Oh, absolutely.
150
00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,984
Quahog School
for the Deaf has great programs,
151
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:01,111
both academic
and athletic.
152
00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:03,906
In fact, you're just in time
for our homecoming pep rally.
153
00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:06,283
What are we gonna do
to Lincoln?!
154
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:07,534
Kill them!
155
00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:09,369
I can't hear you!
156
00:06:09,453 --> 00:06:10,829
Kill them!
157
00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:12,623
I can't hear you!
158
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,208
Kill them!
159
00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:16,168
I can't hear you!
160
00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:17,503
Kill them!
161
00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:19,296
I can't hear you!
162
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,048
Kill them!
163
00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:22,132
Let's just go.
164
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:28,222
Welcome to the Quahog
Maritime School, Chris.
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00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:30,390
Our curriculum consists
of being on boats
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00:06:30,474 --> 00:06:32,976
for long periods of time
with men, just men
167
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,686
for many days
at a time.
168
00:06:34,770 --> 00:06:36,772
Up on the deck
with lots of men
169
00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:38,690
or down in the galley
with lots of men.
170
00:06:38,774 --> 00:06:40,734
Is this some kind
of pirate school?
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00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:42,945
Well, a certain
kind of pirate.
172
00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:44,446
Yes, we've been
called that.
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00:06:44,530 --> 00:06:45,656
I don't know.
174
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:47,950
Is there some kind
of preschool program?
175
00:06:50,786 --> 00:06:52,079
You know, I have to admit
176
00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:53,997
I've always been
a little worried about Chris,
177
00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:55,874
but I guess I just
convinced myself
178
00:06:55,958 --> 00:06:57,417
things would
work out for him,
179
00:06:57,501 --> 00:06:58,919
but with no education,
180
00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:00,963
what kind of future
can he possibly have?
181
00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:02,673
What are we supposed
to do, Lois?
182
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:04,341
I mean, it's not like
the high school will take him back.
183
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,844
And every other school
we've tried just doesn't...
184
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,428
Oh, crap!
185
00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:27,322
(squawks)
186
00:07:31,493 --> 00:07:32,703
(squawks)
187
00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:52,181
Ah!
188
00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:54,850
(squawks)
189
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,410
(subway train screeching)
190
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:14,494
(squawks)
191
00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:22,252
(people scream)
192
00:08:31,094 --> 00:08:32,304
(screams)
193
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:02,209
♪ ♪
194
00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:05,963
My son got into DeVry.
195
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:07,256
Ah, good.
196
00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:09,091
What'd he have to do,
open the door?
197
00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:11,510
(sighs): Can't you let me
have anything?
198
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,140
(man screams)
199
00:09:17,683 --> 00:09:19,184
(squawks)
200
00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:23,021
(both shriek)
201
00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:53,260
♪ ♪
202
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:04,938
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hang on. Hang on.
203
00:10:05,022 --> 00:10:06,857
What are we
fighting about?
204
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,609
You know, I have
completely forgotten.
205
00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:09,818
Me, too.
206
00:10:09,902 --> 00:10:11,778
Something about
a coupon. It's all...
207
00:10:11,862 --> 00:10:13,322
I cannot for the life
of me remember.
208
00:10:13,405 --> 00:10:14,740
Oh, my God,
that's ridiculous.
209
00:10:14,823 --> 00:10:16,658
You know what?
I-I just... I hope I didn't hurt you.
210
00:10:16,742 --> 00:10:18,327
No, no, no.
I... I'm all right. I'm all right..
211
00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:21,121
But listen, you know what?
Let me make it up to you.
212
00:10:21,205 --> 00:10:23,707
Why don't you let my wife and I
take you out to dinner?
213
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,292
Well, that sounds lovely.
214
00:10:27,586 --> 00:10:29,171
Uh, that was delicious.
215
00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:31,089
You know, I drive by
this place all the time
216
00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:33,217
and I've never been inside;
isn't that funny?
217
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:35,552
Y-Yeah, you know,
Nicole and I came here by accident.
218
00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:37,554
W-We had reservations
at another place
219
00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:39,348
and they...
right, right, honey?
220
00:10:39,431 --> 00:10:40,933
Yeah, they couldn't seat us
for like an hour,
221
00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:42,518
so we ended up coming here
and we just loved it.
222
00:10:42,601 --> 00:10:44,144
Loved it.
I can see why.
223
00:10:44,228 --> 00:10:45,479
I mean, th-that
halibut was...
224
00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:47,940
that, may have been the best
halibut I've ever had.
225
00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:49,816
Well, glad we talked you
out of the pork chops, huh?
226
00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:50,984
Yes! Thank you!
227
00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,861
(chuckling)
228
00:10:52,945 --> 00:10:54,821
Oh, oh, oh, lemme, lemme,
let me... I-I'll get that.
229
00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:56,323
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, I got it.
230
00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:58,116
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm taking care of this.
231
00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,952
No, no, no, no, your
money's no good here.
232
00:11:00,035 --> 00:11:01,245
My food was
more expensive.
233
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:02,538
I feel bad.
If I...
234
00:11:02,621 --> 00:11:04,039
We invited you.
I've got this.
235
00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:05,374
Look, just let go
of the check, huh.
236
00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:06,667
You let go
of the check.
237
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:07,918
I'm not taking my hand
off this thing.
238
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,920
Well, neither am I.
239
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,547
Let go of the check.
240
00:11:11,630 --> 00:11:13,173
Ernie, if he wants to...
Stay out of this!
241
00:11:13,257 --> 00:11:14,800
Don't you talk to
my wife like that!
242
00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:16,718
Oh, yeah? What are you
gonna do about it?
243
00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:47,291
(electric knife whirring)
244
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,001
(bubbling)
245
00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:50,961
Aah!
246
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,379
(screaming)
247
00:11:57,843 --> 00:12:01,013
(pants)
248
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:19,239
(panting)
249
00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:20,741
Sorry.
250
00:12:20,824 --> 00:12:22,367
And every other school
we've tried
251
00:12:22,451 --> 00:12:24,328
just doesn't seem to be
a good fit for Chris.
252
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:26,580
Well, there is
one other option.
253
00:12:29,583 --> 00:12:32,336
Daddy, there's something
I need you to do for me.
254
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,880
Chris got expelled
from James Woods High,
255
00:12:34,963 --> 00:12:37,049
and, well, I was wondering
if you could get him
256
00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:39,551
into that fancy
boarding school you went to.
257
00:12:39,635 --> 00:12:42,221
You want me to get Chris
into Morningwood Academy?
258
00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:44,306
It would mean so much
to our family.
259
00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:46,975
All right, I'll pull some
strings on one condition:
260
00:12:47,059 --> 00:12:49,811
I want Peter to do something
really humiliating.
261
00:12:49,895 --> 00:12:51,980
Well, what did you
have in mind?
262
00:12:52,064 --> 00:12:54,816
He has to shoot and star
in a shot-for-shot remake
263
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:57,277
of Liar, Liar
for my amusement.
264
00:12:57,361 --> 00:12:58,654
Do you know why
I stopped you?
265
00:12:58,737 --> 00:12:59,738
I didn't fasten my seat belt.
266
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:01,073
I didn't look
in my rear view mirror.
267
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:03,200
I didn't signal when I pulled
away from the curb. I almost hit a Chevy.
268
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:04,952
I changed lanes in the
intersection without signaling.
269
00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:08,497
I changed lanes while running
a red light and speeding!
270
00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:10,290
Ha...!
271
00:13:17,214 --> 00:13:18,632
Well, Chris, here we are.
272
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:21,051
Wow, this school is really nice.
273
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:22,219
Boy, a degree from here
274
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,804
would set you up
with any job you wanted.
275
00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:26,223
Yes, I should attend
this institution.
276
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:29,184
Perhaps one day I could be
more powerful than King Friday.
277
00:13:29,268 --> 00:13:32,187
I am the supreme ruler of the
Neighborhood of Make Believe.
278
00:13:32,271 --> 00:13:35,357
All will kneel before my...
(train whistles)
279
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,527
(sighs) What kind of freakin' king
lives next to the train tracks?
280
00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:40,487
What is this, Mexico?
281
00:13:43,657 --> 00:13:44,658
Hi.
282
00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:46,326
Is this room 214?
283
00:13:46,410 --> 00:13:48,245
Oh, you must be
our new dorm mate.
284
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,746
I'm Rogers Chapstick,
285
00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:51,790
heir to the
Chapstick fortune.
286
00:13:51,874 --> 00:13:55,586
And this is Virgil MasterCard,
heir to the MasterCard fortune.
287
00:13:55,669 --> 00:14:02,176
Oh, yes, yes,
how do you do, sirrrr?
288
00:14:02,259 --> 00:14:04,469
And this is James
Bottomtooth IV.
289
00:14:04,553 --> 00:14:06,638
(speaking unintelligibly)
290
00:14:06,722 --> 00:14:08,765
Uh... I'm Chris.
291
00:14:08,849 --> 00:14:10,142
Let me get
those bags for you.
292
00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:11,226
Johann?
293
00:14:13,896 --> 00:14:14,897
(whispering)
294
00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:16,398
Um, oh, dear.
295
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:19,568
Johann tells me your luggage
is the luggage of the poor.
296
00:14:19,651 --> 00:14:22,029
Well... I am poor.
297
00:14:22,112 --> 00:14:23,280
Oh.
298
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,490
Oh, I see.
299
00:14:36,627 --> 00:14:37,669
What the...? Aah! Ow!
300
00:14:37,753 --> 00:14:39,254
Ow! Ow! Ow!
301
00:14:39,338 --> 00:14:40,380
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
302
00:14:40,464 --> 00:14:42,341
This school is not
for your kind!
303
00:14:42,424 --> 00:14:43,634
Why?!
304
00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:46,595
(speaking unintelligibly)
305
00:14:46,678 --> 00:14:49,681
I still don't fully understand!
306
00:14:59,316 --> 00:15:00,651
...and that was
the third time
307
00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:02,277
I slept with
Katherine Harris.
308
00:15:02,361 --> 00:15:05,531
Well, I love her politics,
but how is she in bed?
309
00:15:05,614 --> 00:15:07,616
Well, as anyone in
Florida will tell you,
310
00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:09,201
she knows how
to rig an erection.
311
00:15:09,284 --> 00:15:11,245
(laughing haughtily)
312
00:15:11,328 --> 00:15:13,205
(sustained laugh)
313
00:15:13,288 --> 00:15:15,082
One time
I picked my nose
314
00:15:15,165 --> 00:15:17,668
and I swear I could feel
the bottom of my eye.
315
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:19,336
Shut up, poor kid.
316
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:20,796
No, I'm serious. Look!
317
00:15:26,885 --> 00:15:28,762
So, Chris, how's the new school?
318
00:15:28,846 --> 00:15:31,265
It's awful.
I hate it!
319
00:15:31,348 --> 00:15:33,892
Everybody's mean to me
because I'm not rich.
320
00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:35,811
Oh, no, Chris,
that's horrible.
321
00:15:35,894 --> 00:15:37,563
All right, look,
I'll tell you what.
322
00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:40,357
I'll call Daddy and I'll see if there's
anything he can do.
323
00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:44,486
Phew.
324
00:15:44,570 --> 00:15:45,988
Well, that's enough fun
for one day.
325
00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:48,782
I'm sweating more than
a non-legacy applying to Yale.
326
00:15:48,866 --> 00:15:51,451
(laughing haughtily)
327
00:15:51,535 --> 00:15:56,039
(sustained laugh)
328
00:15:56,123 --> 00:16:00,669
(sustained laugh)
329
00:16:02,713 --> 00:16:04,381
(groans)
330
00:16:05,007 --> 00:16:06,341
(gasps)
331
00:16:06,425 --> 00:16:07,676
(screams)
332
00:16:09,261 --> 00:16:10,387
(echoing footsteps)
333
00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:15,267
Where am I?
334
00:16:16,226 --> 00:16:17,311
Grandpa?
335
00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:18,687
What are you
doing here?
336
00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:21,857
Chris, welcome to the
Skull and Bones Society.
337
00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:24,026
This is where the most
powerful men in the world
338
00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:25,527
are groomed for their futures.
339
00:16:25,611 --> 00:16:27,779
Every president, every CEO,
340
00:16:27,863 --> 00:16:29,740
every douchebag
named Ryan Seacrest.
341
00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:31,408
The Skull and Bones Society
342
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,577
has been a part of
my family for decades,
343
00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:35,495
and we want you
to become a member.
344
00:16:35,579 --> 00:16:37,831
Really?
Wow, cool!
345
00:16:37,915 --> 00:16:39,082
Excellent.
346
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:40,792
You get your own
stock portfolio,
347
00:16:40,876 --> 00:16:42,711
a percentage of
the 9/11 Victims' Fund,
348
00:16:42,794 --> 00:16:45,005
and the best medical
care on the planet.
349
00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:47,549
You'll be kept as
healthy as a horse.
350
00:16:47,633 --> 00:16:49,301
So, how's that leg doing?
351
00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:50,469
Great. Great.
352
00:16:50,552 --> 00:16:51,803
Never better.
Good.
353
00:16:51,887 --> 00:16:53,347
Why don't you try putting
some weight on it?
354
00:16:53,430 --> 00:16:55,349
Eh, sure.
355
00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:56,767
(pained):
Yes! Yes!
356
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,393
Oh, that's good.
That feels good.
357
00:16:58,477 --> 00:16:59,811
Very strong.
358
00:16:59,895 --> 00:17:02,606
Sorry, Thunder,
I gotta put you down.
359
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:04,733
(screams)
How's your leg, huh?!
360
00:17:04,816 --> 00:17:06,151
How's your leg?!
You ready to race?!
361
00:17:06,235 --> 00:17:07,236
Huh?!
362
00:17:07,319 --> 00:17:09,488
(sings starting gate fanfare)
363
00:17:12,324 --> 00:17:14,409
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to
Japanese Girls
364
00:17:14,493 --> 00:17:16,578
Think Small Versions of Things
Are Really Cute.
365
00:17:16,662 --> 00:17:18,705
Oh, look at my tiny dog.
366
00:17:18,789 --> 00:17:20,332
I'm gonna put it
in my tiny purse.
367
00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:21,583
(giggles)
368
00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:23,001
Tiny phone!
369
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:24,169
Tiny everything!
370
00:17:24,253 --> 00:17:26,505
(giggling)
371
00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:28,715
Peter, have you seen
this tuition bill?
372
00:17:28,799 --> 00:17:31,885
Morningwood Academy
is charging us $30,000.
373
00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:34,513
Well, looks like we're all
gonna have to take second jobs.
374
00:17:34,596 --> 00:17:36,473
I guess I'll see if
I can get my old gig back
375
00:17:36,557 --> 00:17:38,392
selling buttscratchers
at the ballpark.
376
00:17:38,475 --> 00:17:39,935
Buttscratcher!
377
00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:41,895
Buttscratcher!
Get your buttscratcher here!
378
00:17:41,979 --> 00:17:42,980
Buttscratcher!
379
00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:44,064
Buttscratcher!
380
00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:45,148
Buttscratcher!
381
00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:46,233
Buttscratcher.
382
00:17:46,316 --> 00:17:47,317
Buttscratcher.
383
00:17:47,401 --> 00:17:48,402
Buttscratcher!
384
00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:49,486
Buttscratcher!
385
00:17:53,782 --> 00:17:55,200
Chris, come here.
You'll love this.
386
00:17:55,284 --> 00:17:56,994
The first Thursday
of every month
387
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:59,079
we go to a local orphanage,
pick out a kid,
388
00:17:59,162 --> 00:18:01,540
fill out all the paperwork
and then don't take him home.
389
00:18:01,623 --> 00:18:02,708
It's hilarious.
390
00:18:02,791 --> 00:18:04,459
That sounds
kind of cruel.
391
00:18:04,543 --> 00:18:06,003
No, no, you'll love it.
It's great.
392
00:18:08,338 --> 00:18:09,339
Come on.
393
00:18:09,423 --> 00:18:10,424
Come on in.
394
00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:11,884
Your family's
waiting in here.
395
00:18:11,967 --> 00:18:14,386
There are toys.
And a puppy.
396
00:18:14,469 --> 00:18:16,889
And food that's not served
from warming trays.
397
00:18:20,309 --> 00:18:22,728
Come on.
You gotta want it.
398
00:18:22,811 --> 00:18:25,230
Ah, you gotta do
better than that.
399
00:18:25,314 --> 00:18:28,567
Okay, I guess you don't want
a new family, toys, and a puppy.
400
00:18:28,650 --> 00:18:29,776
(tires screech)
401
00:18:33,530 --> 00:18:35,782
Hi, everybody, I'm home.
402
00:18:35,866 --> 00:18:36,950
Hi, Chris.
Hello. Hey, how are you?
403
00:18:37,034 --> 00:18:39,161
Well, tell us everything,
sweetie.
404
00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:40,579
How's school going so far?
405
00:18:40,662 --> 00:18:41,788
It's great, Mom.
406
00:18:41,872 --> 00:18:43,540
I got powerful
connections now,
407
00:18:43,624 --> 00:18:44,708
thanks to Grandpa.
408
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,043
Chris, I'd
give you a hug,
409
00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:47,711
but I'm exhausted
from working two jobs
410
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,379
to pay your tuition.
411
00:18:49,463 --> 00:18:50,672
I've been selling
buttscratchers.
412
00:18:50,756 --> 00:18:52,174
Buttscratcher!
No, Peter.
413
00:18:52,257 --> 00:18:53,884
Buttscratcher.
Peter, no.
414
00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:55,761
Buttscratcher!
No!
415
00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:57,679
(sadly):
Buttscratcher.
416
00:18:57,763 --> 00:19:01,725
Dad, you... you got an extra job
just to put me through school?
417
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:03,101
We all did, Chris.
418
00:19:03,185 --> 00:19:04,853
Meg and I have been
working nights.
419
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,023
I'll take the one
on the right.
420
00:19:08,106 --> 00:19:11,193
Well, once again, Meg,
I'll be back in an hour.
421
00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:14,238
And I got a job following
fat people around with a tuba.
422
00:19:15,948 --> 00:19:17,866
(playing comical tune)
423
00:19:17,950 --> 00:19:19,535
Stop it.
424
00:19:19,618 --> 00:19:21,662
Cut it out.
425
00:19:21,745 --> 00:19:23,997
I have a glandular
problem.
426
00:19:24,081 --> 00:19:25,332
(tuba whinnies)
427
00:19:25,415 --> 00:19:26,875
That'll be $60.
428
00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:37,135
You wanted to see me, Grandpa?
429
00:19:37,219 --> 00:19:38,220
Yes, Chris.
430
00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:39,596
Your pledge period
is over.
431
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,056
The Skull and Bones elders
432
00:19:41,139 --> 00:19:43,308
are now ready
to admit you to our ranks.
433
00:19:43,392 --> 00:19:45,936
As is customary with
all our new members,
434
00:19:46,019 --> 00:19:47,855
you now have to spend
seven minutes in the closet
435
00:19:47,938 --> 00:19:49,606
with our most senior member.
436
00:19:49,690 --> 00:19:53,026
We don't start the clock
until the door closes.
437
00:19:53,110 --> 00:19:55,612
You know, Grandpa, I don't think
I want to go through with it.
438
00:19:55,696 --> 00:19:56,864
We all had
to do it, Chris.
439
00:19:56,947 --> 00:19:58,532
Now get in there.
No, I mean,
440
00:19:58,615 --> 00:20:00,659
I think I want to go
back to my old school.
441
00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:03,453
My family's working so hard
to pay my tuition here,
442
00:20:03,537 --> 00:20:05,205
and I feel bad.
443
00:20:05,289 --> 00:20:08,542
Is there any way you can get me
back into James Woods High?
444
00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,961
Well, I suppose I could
pull some strings
445
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:12,629
if that's really
what you want, Chris.
446
00:20:12,713 --> 00:20:13,755
It is.
447
00:20:13,839 --> 00:20:15,340
All right,
consider it done.
448
00:20:15,424 --> 00:20:16,675
Thanks, Grandpa.
449
00:20:18,177 --> 00:20:20,762
Sorry, Master Herbert.
Sorry?
450
00:20:20,846 --> 00:20:23,599
You better get your
ass in that closet, Pewterschmidt.
451
00:20:23,682 --> 00:20:25,517
Yes, sir.
452
00:20:25,601 --> 00:20:27,644
I am so tired of you.
453
00:20:31,523 --> 00:20:33,650
Ah, it's good
to have you back, buddy.
454
00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:34,818
Thanks, Dad.
455
00:20:34,902 --> 00:20:36,612
I didn't really
fit in there anyway.
456
00:20:36,695 --> 00:20:38,614
The rooms were only 15x20.
457
00:20:38,697 --> 00:20:42,034
(laughing)
458
00:20:42,117 --> 00:20:43,827
If I didn't learn
to laugh at myself,
459
00:20:43,911 --> 00:20:45,329
I'd be dead right now.
460
00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:47,289
Why don't you take your stuff
up to your room, Chris?
461
00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:49,291
Okay, Mom.
462
00:20:50,334 --> 00:20:51,376
(tuba playing)
463
00:20:51,460 --> 00:20:53,795
Cut it out.
464
00:20:53,879 --> 00:20:56,048
I'm just trying
to live my life.
465
00:20:56,131 --> 00:20:58,342
No one taught me
about carbs.
466
00:20:58,425 --> 00:20:59,927
(tuba whinnies)
467
00:21:02,179 --> 00:21:04,681
♪
32739
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