All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S05E15.Boys.Do.Cry.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-PHOENiX_track3_[eng]

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Julia Louis-Dreyfus

in "Now It's Just Getting Sad."

Okay, okay, hear me out.

My character is a therapist
living in the city,

but I'm married to an elephant.

Hi, I'm the husband.
Hey, honey.

We're going to my parents'
this weekend.

Did you pack your trunk?

(canned laughter)

I don't think I want to go.

I don't like going
to your parents.

Why?

Maybe because your dad's
an ivory hunter?

See, there's a lot going on here.
A lot going on.

It actually, it actually
gets pretty watchable.

Ah, damn, it's still raining.

Lois, you mind if I
go in the house?

Fine, fine, just put
the newspaper down.

Hey, Lois, look at this.

The church is holding auditions
for a new organist.

Really?

Wow, you know,
that sounds like

it could be a lot of fun.

Yeah, it's been a while since
you've had the chance to play in public.

Church organist?
Ah, that's boring.

Why don't you do something
more interesting?

Like when I had that job
feeding the homeless.

That's going to make you
big and strong.

Burping time.

Oh, smells like someone
needs to be changed.

When was the last time
you were changed,

seven days ago?

That's one week.

There are seven days in a week.

I love you, filthy hobo.

Huh, huh! All right.

(unzipping, slap):
Ah!

Why do you say "organist"
if you don't want...

I don't understand
the world anymore.

Here be a jaunty sea chantey
from me boyhood.

♪ You shake me nerves
and you rattle me brain ♪

♪ Too much love
drives a man insane ♪

♪ You broke me will,
oh, what a thrill ♪

♪ Goodness gracious,
great balls of fire. ♪

(rock organ plays)

♪ I know what boys like ♪

♪ I know what guys want ♪

♪ I know what boys like ♪

♪ Boys like ♪

♪ Boys like me. ♪

All right, up next
is Lois Griffin.

Heh, well, I don't know
if I can compete

with the rest of these people,
but here goes.

(gentle hymn playing)

My word, what a fascinating man
this Jesus must have been.

I can just imagine meeting him.

(organ music continues)

That was beautiful,
Mrs. Griffin.

Up next is Jake Tucker.

(disjointed notes playing)

(playing
"William Tell Overture")

Well, finally!

Some of us have been
waiting all evening

for a certain wife
to come home

and feed her
starving family.

Peter, I told you
I was going to be late.

Couldn't you have
handled dinner?

You can't ask me
to make dinner, Lois.

That's like asking me to choose
between Sarah Jessica Parker

and Kirsten Dunst in a hot
body/weird face contest.

It can't be done.

Well, I've got good news.

I'm going to be
the church's new organist.

Hey, congrats.
Wow, Mom, that's great.

That means
you'll play the organ.

It also means
that this family

is going to start going
to church again on Sundays.

Being there today reminded
me of how important

religious services are to
the moral fiber of a family.

And lately, this family
has been lacking moral fiber.

Especially you, Meg.

Meg, what happened to you?

She can't answer you.

She can't even talk.

Ever since she
started smoking pot,

she just kind of lays there.

It's really sad.

And a tiny bit funny.

Oh, my God, I think
I'm getting a contact high.

Oh, now I'm messed up, too.

(pipe organ plays)

Good morning, everyone.

Please turn to hymn number 387.

A reading from the book of Leviticus.

"Thou shalt not spill thy seed
into thy sock,

"and then cram it
to the bottom of the hamper

"like it's been there a long time."

The Word of the Lord.

ALL:
Praise be to God.

Oh, I am so hungry.

Oh, look, they're handing
out cookies up there.

Stewie, wait, don't...

Hey, there.

Eat up, y'all.

Youse is good
churchgoing folk.

Y'all deserve a little treat.
Give me that!

Well, aren't you an enthusiastic
wafer muncher.

What is that, punch?

Oh, don't y'all
drink that.

Youse gonna get sick.2

Yep.

(gasps):
That baby just threw up the host!

That's a sign
of the devil.

Oh, my God,
is he possessed?

He's possessed!

That baby is
possessed by Satan!

Calm down, everyone.
He's just a little sick.

I'll take him home.
Come on, sweetie.

Oh, sweet, we
are out of here.

Now I can do what I planned
to do this morning--

gladiator mice.

(laughs):
Yes, yes, die, die, die!

I have everything,
and you have nothing!

Ugh, what a horrible morning.

You know, all I wanted
was for us to share

a simple Sunday church service
as a family.

But I guess that's
too much to ask.

(doorbell rings)

Good afternoon, Mrs. Griffin.

We're here to take custody
of your baby

so that the good reverend here
can perform an exorcism

and banish the devil
from his infant soul.

What?! You are not performing
an exorcism on my baby.

Mrs. Griffin,
you can give him to us,

or we can take him
by force.

No!
Don't worry, Lois,

we'll hide in the one place
they can't find us.

In imagination land,

where you burp
where you fart,

and you fart
where you burp.

(burps, farts)

Ha! Indeed, that's
how it happens.

(angry shouting)

Where are we going?

Who cares as long
as it's away

from those bloody
church fanatics.

We're going to Texas.

We can stay at my sister Carol's
place until this blows over.

Texas?
We're going to Texas

in search of religious
tolerance?

That's going to be like trying
to get Sneakers O'Toole

to take his sneakers off.

♪ I'm not taking
my sneakers off ♪

♪ I am Sneakers O'Toole. ♪

Hey, take those sneakers off.
No!

Take them off, I said!
No!

Ah, let him go.

We'll never catch him.

Not in these shoes.

♪ I didn't take
my sneakers off ♪

♪ I'm still Sneakers O'Toole. ♪

Holy crap!

You married Billy Joel,
it's gonna happen one way or another.

Good evening,
I'm Tom Tucker.

And I'm Diane Simmons.

Authorities are on the lookout
for one-year-old Stewie Griffin,

a Quahog infant who is believed
to be possessed by Satan.

A substantial reward
is being offered

for any information
leading to his capture.

In other pseudo-
scientific news,

a local man claims
to have spotted bigfoot.

We've got the
exclusive interview.

I was about to bone my
girlfriend out at the lake,

but suddenly she
yelled, so I looked up

and it was bigfoot.

So what happened next?

Then I went back to bone her,

but the mosquitoes
were going crazy,

and she said there was no way.

All right, get your snacks
and hurry out, you guys.

Yeah, look, they
have Chunky bars.

What a God-awful mess
those things are,

chocolate with
raisins in it.

Yeah, yeah, that's what kids want with
their chocolate-- fruit.

Why don't you put
sunflower seeds

in the Ding Dongs
while you're at it?

Is that part
of your stand-up act?

I don't know, do you like it?
I wouldn't open with it.

Pardon me, sir.

We're trying to locate
a possessed child.

Have you seen anyone
who looks like this?

Yeah, that's my son.

He's actually in
the mini-mart right now.

He'll be out in a second.

I-I-I-I mean, I mean no, no.

Never seen him before.

Hmm. What was that
first thing you said?

Oh, I was just saying that baby
in the picture is my son.

He's traveling with us.
He's part of our family.

We're trying to avoid being
found by police like you.

I mean, I was just remarking
what a nice tie you have on.

I love this tie.

All right, you folks
take care now.

(laughing)

Oh, did you hear
that cashier's accent?

(Hindi accent): "Would you like
some change please for you?"

Oh, you know, if it
weren't for 9/11,

those guys would
be adorable.

Oh, my God, look.

Quick, into the bathroom.

We're going to have to
come up with a way

to change your appearance.

Well, I could disguise myself
as Britney Spears.

I'm already
standing in urine,

and I hate the person
I'm with.

No, see, there's got to be
something in here we can use.

(sighs): Boy, that was a close one
back there.

Way to think on your feet,
Brian.

We got lucky.

How you holding up, Stewie?

Um...

I feel right, Brian.

I feel right.

Are you sure Aunt Carol
won't mind us using her house?

She won't care, Chris.

She's off on her
ninth honeymoon.

(laughs)

When will it work for her?

Howdy, new neighbors.

Pleased to welcome you.

We're the Lynches.

We live next door.

Nice to meet you.

We're the Griffins.

Nellie here is a homemaker.

And I'm a queer chaser
and beater.

Lois, I'm not sure this is
the right place for us.

These Texans are socially
backward and politically,

they're all stubborn
as a mule.

Nope, sorry, Kevin Bacon
wasn't in Footloose.

What?
Of course he was.

No, he wasn't.
You lose.

Of course he was,
he was the star.

No, you're wrong.
Look it up.

I don't have
to look it up.

It's common knowledge.
Nope.

He was on the cover of...
Nope. Nope.

People magazine when the movie...
No. No.

Everyone knows Kevin Bacon
was the star of Footloose. No! No! No! No!

It was a huge movie. He was the lead.
No! No! No!

No! No! No! No!

(braying loudly)

Look what
the Lynches gave us.

A needlepoint of Chuck Norris
from Walker, Texas Ranger.

You know, they say
Chuck Norris is so tough

there's no chin under his beard.

There is only another fist.

That's ridiculous.

Chuck Norris?

You know,
this place may be the upside

to everything that's happened.

The people are kind
and generous.

They seem wholesome and moral.

Exactly the kind of influence
this family needs.

Lois, we're living
in a red state

with a bunch
of right-wing nutjobs.

Hey, Chris, check
out my belt buckle.

It says, "Everything's
bigger in Texas."

(laughing)

Belts are a great way
to express opinions.

TV ANNOUNCER: This is Channel Five News,
Texas, with Duke Dillon.

Howdy, Texas. I'm Duke Dillon.

At the top of the news tonight,

authorities have called off
their pursuit

of a fugitive Rhode Island baby

who was thought
to be possessed by the devil.

Oh! Thank God!

This turn of events came

after Vatican scientists
announced today

that the devil is not the
greatest threat to salvation

due to last week's discovery
of the Superdevil.

Religion reporter Dallas Houston
has the story.

Thanks, Duke. Well, let me try
and give you a clear picture

of what we're dealing with here.

Here's a photo of the devil,
and here's the Superdevil.

Now, as you can see, there are
some significant differences.

The Superdevil
is at least six inches taller,

he has a flying motorcycle
and a jar of marmalade

that we believe forces you
to commit adultery.

Thanks a lot, Dallas.

Looks like we all got something
new to be afraid of.

Everyone, it's over!

We can go back to Quahog.

Hey, Lois, you say something?

Aw, just that I think
you're going to love this cake.

None for me, thanks.

It's going to go
straight to my vagina.

That's what girls
worry about, right,

having big vaginas?

Dad, why aren't
you taking the car?

Chris, we're in Texas now.

If I'm not riding a horse,
I'm gonna stick out

like a straight guy
in a figure-skating competition.

Boo-ya!
Triple Salchow in your face!

Hey, you want this? Huh?
You want some of this?

Oh, man, look at your rack.

I'd motorboat that.

I'd motorboat the hell
out of it!

Right after this layback spin.

Bottle of Jack Daniels, please.

There you go.
Thanks.

What's this?

That's your gun.

Buy some liquor,
get a free gun.

Is that like a special
you have on now or something?

Nope. Texas state law.

You have a nice day now.
State law?

God! This place officially sucks
worse than the WNBA.

And, at the top
of the second half, it's 16 to nine.

Easton leads the
scoring with four.

And that's why
she commands $7,000 a year.

These gals sure do
make it look difficult.

But is having this minor skill
worth being so unattractive?

That's for the fan to decide.

Yay!

(gunshot)

Huh. That was kind of cool.

(gunshots)

(yawning):
Been a long day, Lois.

Long day.

Peter, what the hell?

You can't bring that
horse into our bed.

Lois, I cannot believe

you would ban the
horse from our bed.

He is a graceful,
majestic creature

who is a part
of this family

and only wants you
to love and respect...

The horse may have
pooped in the bed.

I hereby call this meeting

of the Texas Youth Club
to order.

First, I'd like to welcome
our two newcomers,

Chris and Meg Griffin.

Wow! This is the coolest club
I've ever been in.

Well, you're not quite
in the club yet.

You got to pass
the initiation.

What do we have to do?

You got to sneak
on to the Crawford Ranch

and steal a pair
of George Bush's underwear.

And then bring it back here

so we can bask in
its Bushy goodness.

Boy, that's even kinkier

than the porn they make
for senior citizens.

Can I help you, Edward?

Yeah. I'm here
for the early bird special.

Are those new slacks?
(funky music begins playing)

What's that, now?

Are those new slacks?

I got these
on special at Caldors.

Who drove you there?

My nephew.

Oh. That was nice of him.

I forgot why I came over.

Are those new slacks?

What is this?
What the hell are we doing here?

Welcome to your first
toddler pageant, Stewie.

It's what you do
when you're in Texas.

Oh, lovely.
A first-class ticket

to a semen-stained death
in the basement.

Why don't you meet
the other contestants

while I go
register you?

Hello. I'm, uh...
Stephanie Griffin.

Hi, Stephanie.

What's your talent?

I sing, I do gymnastics,

and I can play seven instruments
at the same time.

Hmm. You could be
a threat to me.

Chuck.

There it is--
the Crawford Ranch.

I can't believe
we're actually doing this.

What a bonding adventure
for the two of us.

Settle down, Meg.

Okay, I see Old Man Cheney
guarding the place.

(snoring)

(muttering):
18% approval ratings.

I'll give you 18%
of my foot in your ass.

I'd like you to meet my
daughter's husband Michael.

Wow! Look how
organized he is.

He's already
got his sugar

cut up into neat little lines
for his breakfast tomorrow.

And a razor blade to shave.

Wow! Look at this.

I can't believe
Mrs. Bush kept

all these Planned
Parenthood receipts.

Holy cow! She's been
scraped more times

than a fisherman's
knuckle.

Hey, what are you
kids doing here?

You tell Javier to back off.

I'll have his money
by next week.

What?
Never mind.

Hey, you guys want
to see something?

Grab a beer
and follow me.

See this car?

I restored it
myself this summer.

I was here for 12 weeks.
I had to do something.

But, along the way,
I learned about honesty, integrity,

and cold filtered
Miller Genuine Draft.

(burping)

That's an adult
beverage right there.

You understand
what I'm trying to say to you?

Yes. But I have
just one question.

Can I borrow your underpants
for ten minutes?

(drumroll)

ALL:
Ah!

(phone rings)

Hello.

Oh. Hi, Jillian.

Brian, I'm
reading TV Guide.

Can you explain
how these cheers and jeers work again?

Well, the cheers is
when they generally approve

of something on television,

and jeers is when
they find some sort of fault with it.

Oh. See... yeah,
I'm not quite...

We can't do this
over the phone.

You're going to
have to come over.

I can't come over.
We're still on the run

because the town
thinks Stewie's possessed.

No, they don't.
Didn't you hear?

They stopped
chasing you weeks ago.

What? I have to go.

Wait, wait! I have
another question.

How do I know
if I'm Jewish?

Are you Jewish?
No.

There you go, sport.
Thank you.

Hey, guys, thanks so much
for inviting me out today.

I'm psyched
to brand my first cow.

Here you are, Peter.

All fired up
and ready to go.

(screams):
Oh...!

Oh, yes!

Yes! Oh!

Oh, hang on a second.

(muffled screaming)

Man, Texas is great.

Back where I'm from,

a retarded guy could
never have this much fun.

What did you just say?

What?

Technically, I'm retarded.

Fellas! Fellas!
Can't we talk this over?

Talking is for terrorists
and blacks.

In Texas,
we execute the retarded.

Oh, my God!
So this is how it ends?

I always thought I'd die

having to sit through
the Canadian Film Festival.

I don't wish to cause you
any harm, and I won't.

The end.

(neighing)

Horsey, you saved my life.

(in Gilbert Gottfried's voice):
No problem, Peter. Glad to help out.

Wow! Gilbert Gottfried.

That's right!

Awesome.

Now the final contestant

for our talent portion
of the competition,

Stephanie Griffin.

Thank you, thank you.

Hey, what's the deal
with Chunky bars, huh?

Chocolate with raisins in it?

Yeah, that's what kids want
with their chocolate-- fruit.

(laughter)

Wow, that bit is killing.

Hey, Lois, great news.

We can go back to Quahog.

I know, Brian. Shh!

We're about to see
if Stewie won.

Wait a minute. You know?

How long have you known?

A few weeks. Who cares?

Wait a minute.
You... you've known for weeks,

and you've been lying
about having to stay here?

Brian, don't you see?

This is a wholesome
community with real values.

And our first
runner-up is...

Miss Dixie-Ann Thomas.

Which means that
Miss Stephanie Griffin

is our new
Little Miss Texas!

(applause and cheering)

Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh, I never expected this.

Oh, I'm so, so honored.

(cheering stops)

Hey, that's not a girl!

It's Enrico Palazzo!

No, it's not!
It's one of them queerosexuals!

Get him!

(yelling angrily)

Quick! Get on!

Thank you for
all your help.

My pleasure,
Peter. Anytime.

Oh, fantastic.

Hey, do you still
do stand-up?

I do. I'm still touring.

Oh, wow. Can we
get tickets?

Absolutely.

I'm in Atlanta next week.

Great. Oh, well,
this will be fun.

It is so good to be home.

You know,
I wanted us to live

in a place with
real family values.

But values don't come
from where you live

or who your friends are.

They come from inside,
from your own beliefs.

I agree, Lois.

Like, for instance,
if you're watching a TV show,

and you decide to take
your values from that, you're an idiot.

Maybe you should
take responsibility

for what values
your kids are getting.

Maybe you shouldn't
be letting your kids

watch certain shows
in the first place

if you have such
a big problem with them,

instead of blaming the
shows themselves.

Yeah.