Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

MAN (over TV): We now return to America's Next Top Model.

I-I just don't think you're being fair, Tyra.

You don't know what it's like to grow up the way I grew up.

You know what? How dare you?!

You don't know me.

You have no idea where I come from, here I've been,

(screeching): how long I've been there,

what I had to do to get from where I was

to where I am now!

(doorbell ringing)

Hey there, Mort.

Hi, Lois.

Neil's doing a report on Christianity at school.

Do you have any crucifixes I can borrow?

Preferably one without the little fellow on it?

Oh, of course, there's one in the den.

Help yourself.

God, I'm sick of Mort always borrowing our stuff.

He's a bigger mooch than the Mexican Super Friends.

Hey, Mexican Superman, can I talk to you for a sec?

When you signed the lease, you said there was

going to be like five of you living here.

Oh, no, they're not all living here.

They're just visiting.

(car horn blaring "Tequila" riff)

Hey, Mexican Superman, I got the keys made.

Hey, Mexican Batman, get out of here.

What? I got like 60 keys.

(speaking Spanish) Siléncio! Jefe aquí!

¿Qué? Evición.

(tires screeching)

That ought to keep Mort away.

Peter, what the hell is that?

Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us,

so I made a scare-Jew.

Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard.

It's racist, and for God's sake, you ruined your best suit.

Now we're gonna have to get you a new one...

Shh-shh. Lois, Lois, look.

Hey, guys, I just wanted to return your...

Oh! Oh, my God, it's Hitler!

He's back! He's back!

Hurry, protect Jon Stewart!

He's our most important Jew!

Why do we have to get me a suit here?

Well, since you keep ruining them,

I'm not going to buy you a brand-new one.

Yes, I'll take this teddy bear,

this ruler, this piece of string

and this cardboard box.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, look, an "On The Raggedy Ann" doll.

It's water weight, you bastard!

Get off me!

I'm not your whore.

(sobbing): I'm sorry, I'm just so sad.

Well, I guess I can still play with it

three weeks out of the month.

Hi, there. See anything you like?

Oh, I'm just browsing.

Say, you look like you could use an activity book

with half the activities done.

Wow, that would save me half the time.

Connect the dots?

Ha! More like set the book down and have a beer.

You got yourself a deal.

(celestial music playing)

What... are those?!

Oh, that's a pair of red flannel feety pajamas.

Good Lord.

See, they've got a flap that opens up in the back.

Are you telling me I could be pooping and warm?

Exactly.

No longer would I have to make a choice between the two.

Sir, here is a check with my name on it.

Write down any number on this piece of paper, and I will pay it.

All right, so we roll the dice

and then we both have to yell "Yahtzee" really loud.

At the same time? Yeah.

And you have to flap your wrists like this.

And you'll do it, too? Of course, that's how it's done.

Okay. All right, ready?

Okay, you gonna do it with me? Oh, yeah.

Yahtzee!

Gay. You suck!

Hey, everybody, I'm home from work.

My God, Peter, you wore those pajamas to your office?

Hey, at least I'm mixing it up a little bit.

Green shirt, tan pants, that's refreshing.

Oh, boy does it feel good

to undo my butt flap.

Ew, Dad!

We don't want to sit here and look at your ass.

Yes, I'd rather look at Meg toweling off after a shower

when she does that butt floss thing.

Ew, ew, that's so disgusting.

Ugh, ugh, I hope I don't ever accidentally use that towel.

(yells)

Lois, I have never been more comfortable

as a person than I am in these feety pajamas.

All warm and furry.

This is what it feels like to be a bear.

You remember what I used to say, Lois, when we first got married?

You remember? I used to say, "What would it feel like to be a bear"?

Well, this is it.

This is it-- I'm living it, baby.

No, you're not.

You've been wearing those things for three days.

You can wear them to bed,

but tomorrow we're getting rid of them.

(sighs) Fine.

Screw up all my fuzziness.

(feet shuffling)

(electrical snap) (yells)

What the hell was that?

(electrical snap) (yells)

Oh, my God. Lois, don't get alarmed,

but I think I might be Jesus.

I'm Jesus.

Peter, that's a static shock.

Your pajamas created a charge of electricity

when you dragged your feet across the carpet,

and when you touched Chris, you passed it on.

Kneel before Christ!

(electrical snap) (yells)

(feet shuffling) (chuckling)

(electrical snap) (yells)

Dad! I am not your dad.

I am Electric Man.

(chuckling)

Ow! Damn it, Peter, stop it!

I got to tell you, you're pissing me off

worse than when I watched the O.J. verdict

with my old roommate.

WOMAN: We the jury find the defendant

Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty...

Yes! What the hell?!

What?! What?!

Maybe we should get new roommates.

Yeah, maybe we should.

(Peter giggling)

Peter, I know you're in here.

Yes, I am, Lois.

But where?

Peter, if you shock me, I swear to God I'm leaving you.

You'll have to find me first, Lois.

Where could I be?

Well, there's a Quonset hut

that I've never seen in this room before.

I got to figure you're in there.

How do you know, Lois?

I could be in that New York style magazine kiosk.

Peter, this all looks very expensive.

Yes, you might say it was...

shockingly expensive.

I'm going to try the Quonset hut.

(electrical snap) (yells)

(laughing): I was in the bathroom.

The hut and the kiosk-- decoys, Lois, decoys!

Glen, thank you so much

for helping me tear up my carpet.

Well, you know, Lois, I got to confess,

when you called me I sort of misunderstood

what you were asking for.

That's why I rushed over.

But, uh... well, it's fine, it's fine, whatever,

I'm happy to help.

What the hell is this?

Peter, I've had it with all your shocking.

Since you won't get rid of those pajamas,

I'm getting rid of the carpets.

Hey, Lois, you want me to leave a little strip in this thing?

Maybe a lightning bolt, unicorn, something like that?

No, I want it all gone, Glen.

All right, we're going Brazilian.

Hey, what's this?

Some kind of really old coin.

Huh. Let me see that.

Wait a minute, do you know what this is?

This is an 18th-century Rhode Island ship token.

This thing's got to be worth 50 grand.

50 grand?!

Oh, my God!

I can finally afford that operation

to swap my vocal cords with Patrick Stewart.

(Patrick Stewart's voice): Hey, Lois, I spent the afternoon

making a list of famous Armenians.

Eric Bogosian, Andre Agassi,

Jerry "The Shark" Tarkanian.

That is all.

Peter, you've been sleeping with that money for the past week.

Don't you think it's time we did something with it?

Buy a bolt and shut that trap of yours?

What? What?

'Cause I had an idea.

Remember when we first got married...

And I said, "I wonder what it would be like to be a bear"?

No, no, no, I'm talking about that dream we had, Peter.

Remember? We tried to open that restaurant,

and we never quite got it going.

Yeah, we got shut down 'cause of my exploding cupcakes.

Mmm, I hope these taste as good as they look.

(gasps): Gerald!

(chuckles)

The secret is in the frosting.

But I'll never tell.

Well, here's another chance to open a restaurant.

You're right.

Ooh, and I'll make my special cupcakes.

No, Peter... Oh, yeah, right, that was the problem.

All right, everybody, only three hours till opening.

Oh, this is going to be the coolest place in Quahog.

All the movers and shakers and bigwigs

are going to eat here... but not the small wigs.

Hey, I'm hungry.

I got a credit card.

Oh, God, I'm so nervous.

I hope it goes well.

Oh, yes, I'm sure it will go as well

as Liza Minnelli's Playboy shoot.

Oh, God, please put your clothes back on.

Mama... Mama...

Do you love me now, Mama?

(sobbing): Please love me, Mama!

Good evening. Welcome to Big Pete's House of Munch.

May I help you?

Yes, do you accept the Discover card?

Ha! Hey, Lois, Diamond Jim Brady over here

just asked if we accept the Discover card.

LOIS: Oh, they're in an exclusive club called anybody.

Yeah.

No, no, no, I don't think so.

You know, you know, I would rather take two live chickens

than your fly-by- night credit card.

I would rather take a jar of pennies

that's value was less than that of your bill.

Look, you don't have to insult me.

No, no, no, you are going to sit there and listen

to the funny things I would take

instead of your credit card.

The guy at table seven complained

there's not enough juice on his prime rib.

Oh, did he, now?

Let me take care of that for him.

(rat squeaking)

(retching)

Tell him, bon appétit, douchebag.

Oh, look, it's one of those early Maude episodes

with the really long opening credit sequence.

(theme from Maude playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister who really cooked ♪

♪ Madame Curie was a strong woman character ♪

♪ Working all day in a science lab, yeah ♪

♪ Clara Barton was a famous nurse ♪

♪ Who was rapping with the soldiers and bandages, too ♪

♪ Susan B. Anthony always out doin' stuff ♪

♪ Marching around and holding up signs... ♪

And then there's Maude.

♪ Pocahontas had it all goin' on ♪ What the hell?

♪ An Indian guide with lots of Indian pride ♪

♪ Indira Gandhi ran a whole big country ♪

♪ That isn't easy even if you're a guy... ♪

And then there's Maude?

♪ Babe Zaharias was a good athlete ♪ Aw, come on!

♪ Good at track and field and professional golf, too ♪

And then there's Maude!

♪ Amelia Earhart flew a lot of airplanes ♪

♪ Except for that one time when she didn't come back ♪

♪ Cleopatra lived out in the desert... ♪ And then there's Maude! Come on!

♪ But still found a way to keep herself looking fine ♪

♪ And then there's Maude... ♪ Ah! Ah! There we go!

That was an ordeal.

Well, Peter, this has been an amazing week.

You and I own a restaurant.

Can you believe it?

I know. I feel like I'm dreaming.

Wait. Maybe I am dreaming.

That means I can do whatever I want without consequences.

(whimpering)

What are you doing?

I just adopted 30 puppies!

(laughing)

Who's a (baby talk)? Who's a (baby talk)?

Who's a (baby talk)?

(laughing)

(puppies growling, barking)

(laughing continues)

You guys, I have some bad news.

I just finished going over the books,

and this restaurant is hemorrhaging money.

What? Well, how is that possible?

Isn't it obvious?

We're not getting enough customers.

This place is like a ghost town half the time.

Yeah. Maybe somebody should have asked me.

After all, I'm the only one in this family

with any business experience.

All right, Violet and Pigpen,

you've been seeing each other a few weeks now.

What seems to be the problem?

I keep getting bladder infections,

and I don't know why.

Really? You don't know why?

I don't know what to do, guys.

The House of Munch is going down the tubes.

Maybe you need to do a little advertising, Peter.

Well, I tried.

I even hired M. Night Shyamalan

to direct my TV commercial.

(whispering): I have a secret to tell you.

What is it? Come closer.

I see good food at competitive prices.

At Big Pete's House of Munch! Stop on by!

Unfortunately, they couldn't air it,

'cause it turns out M. Night Shyamalan

was involved with September 11.

You know, Peter, my buddies and I

have been looking for a new hangout.

Our usual doughnut shop has gotten a little...

Puerto Ricany.

What if we made your place our new spot?

Joe, that's a great idea!

Fantastic! We'll see you tonight.

This is awesome!

Bunch of cops in uniform hanging out in my restaurant?

This is going to be cooler than that time

Ben Stiller taught me how to be myself.

But how can you leave me now, Ben Stiller,

when I need you more than ever?

I've taught you everything you need to know, Peter.

Now it's time for me to go help another child.

I guess I just fooled myself

into thinking you'd always be with me.

I will, Peter.

I will always be with you.

His movies are terrible...

Lois, roll out the red carpet.

Here comes Joe and his cop buddies.

You got tables for 30?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Joe!

I thought you were bringing your cop friends over.

What are all these parallelograms doing here?

You mean paraplegics.

These are my friends, Peter.

Come on, guys. Let's eat.

Oh, God. I hope there's not one of those angry,

handicapped Vietnam guys with the bandana on his head.

Oh! There he is.

I've seen some things, man, and some stuff.

I wouldn't recommend it.

(buzz of chatter)

Peter, isn't this wonderful?

The place is packed.

Uh... Lois, uh...

aren't you a little freaked out by this?

Why? Everybody's having a great time.

Besides, think of the money we're making.

I don't care about that.

I wanted a cool restaurant,

not the cafeteria at the veteran's hospital.

This is weirder than that rap video by M.C. Escher.

♪ Going up the stairs and going down the stairs ♪

♪ And going up the stairs and going down the stairs ♪

♪ And going up the sideways stairs. ♪

And, in local news, a new restaurant is taking Quahog by storm.

That's right, Diane.

If you're handicapped, or know someone who's handicapped,

or just happen to be a fan of the circus,

then come on down to Big Pete's House of Munch,

where the elite without feet meet to eat.

Lois, this is insanity.

I think we should shut down the restaurant.

But... why? We're doing so well.

Lois, let me explain something to you, all right?

Cripples are not cool.

Hang on. I'm going to get the picture.

Oh, Peter, don't...

(shouting gibberish)

What do you see here, Lois?

Do we have to...? What do you see?!

(sighs) A picture of Mark Harmon.

A picture of Mark Harmon,

the greatest actor who ever lived.

Do you see a wheelchair under Mark Harmon?

Peter...

Lois, do you... see a wheelchair...

under Mark Harmon?

No. No, you do not,

because Mark Harmon is cool.

And I know what you're thinking.

"Oh, Peter, this is just like your Gil Gerard speech."

And you can stop right in your tracks, because it is not.

Granted, it is similar to the Gil Gerard speech, but it...

Peter, I like our restaurant the way it is,

and if you don't, that's your problem.

Fine. Then I'll deal with this myself.

All right, here they come.

Hey, Peter, we're here for dinner.

Oh no, you're not, Joe.

We have a new policy.

Can't you read the sign?

Peter, what the hell is that all about?

It's a message, Joe.

I don't want you and your kind eating here anymore.

You're ruining what was supposed

to be a cool establishment.

Peter, you're one of my closest friends.

Are you... you telling me that you have a problem

with me being handicapped?

As a matter of fact, Joe, yes.

I think it's immoral.

It's a lifestyle choice you're forcing on America.

We handicapped are a proud people!

Yeah, when you're not drinking and gambling

on your reservations, which we gave you.

Fine, if that's the way you want it,

but we're not going to go down easy.

Okay, that was easy.

But I'll be back with more handicapped guys!

Dad, look! Here they come!

Peter, we'll give you one last chance to let us in!

Heh! What are you going to do, Joe?

I'm up here.

(high-pitched, sing-songy): And you're down there.

Very well, Peter, you leave us no choice.

Men, form up Crippletron!

(mechanical whirring)

(screams)

(Joe screaming)

Help! Help! Somebody help me!

Ben Stiller, help me.

No, Peter. I heard what you said about my movies.

How did you hear?

Hello!

Go to hell, you mutant offspring of comedy people.

Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid he'll never walk again...

(both gasp) without remembering how lucky he is

that he'll only be in this wheelchair for two weeks.

That leg should heal up just fine.

Peter, you do realize you deserve this

for the way you treated Joe.

I think you owe him an apology.

Are you kidding, Lois?

It ain't my fault that him and all his gimpy friends

don't fit in with regular society.

But I'm gonna be different.

I'll be a dignified cripple,

and I'll show them all how it's done!

("I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" intro playing)

♪ Don't wish it away ♪

♪ Don't look at it like it's forever ♪

♪ Between you and me ♪

♪ I could honestly say ♪

♪ That things can only get better ♪

♪ And while I'm away ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Dust out the demons inside ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ And it won't be long before you and me run ♪

♪ To the place in our hearts ♪

♪ Where we hide ♪

♪ And I guess that's why they call it the blues ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ And I guess that's why they call it ♪

(sighs)

♪ The blues. ♪

Joe, uh... you got a minute?

What is it, Peter?

I, uh... just wanted to apologize.

I thought you and your friends

were just a bunch of gross cripples,

but I've been in a wheelchair for 45 minutes now,

and I see how tough it is.

Well, Peter, it's been a rough week for both of us,

but it means a lot to me to hear you say that.

So what do you say? Can we put all this behind us?

I'd like nothing better.

Hey, Bonnie and I are watching Grey's Anatomy

if you want to come in.

Oh, boy, Joe, I... I got to tell you,

that... that... that sounds awful.

♪