Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,293 --> 00:00:04,505
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,588 --> 00:00:08,217
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:11,512
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,595 --> 00:00:14,473
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,556 --> 00:00:18,310
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:21,647
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,730 --> 00:00:23,190
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,273 --> 00:00:25,067
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:29,988
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:36,995
MAN (over TV): We now return
to America's Next Top Model.
11
00:00:37,079 --> 00:00:39,331
I-I just don't think
you're being fair, Tyra.
12
00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:42,292
You don't know what it's like
to grow up the way I grew up.
13
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,127
You know what?
How dare you?!
14
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:46,129
You don't know me.
15
00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:49,633
You have no idea
where I come from, here I've been,
16
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,885
(screeching):
how long I've been there,
17
00:00:51,969 --> 00:00:54,972
what I had to do
to get from where I was
18
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:58,267
to where I am now!
19
00:01:01,436 --> 00:01:02,437
(doorbell ringing)
20
00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:05,315
Hey there, Mort.
21
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:06,608
Hi, Lois.
22
00:01:06,692 --> 00:01:09,361
Neil's doing a report
on Christianity at school.
23
00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:12,030
Do you have any crucifixes
I can borrow?
24
00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:13,949
Preferably one without
the little fellow on it?
25
00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:15,242
Oh, of course, there's
one in the den.
26
00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:16,618
Help yourself.
27
00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:21,123
God, I'm sick of Mort
always borrowing our stuff.
28
00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:23,667
He's a bigger mooch
than the Mexican Super Friends.
29
00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:33,051
Hey, Mexican Superman,
can I talk to you for a sec?
30
00:01:33,135 --> 00:01:34,678
When you signed the lease,
you said there was
31
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,805
going to be like five
of you living here.
32
00:01:36,889 --> 00:01:38,557
Oh, no, they're not
all living here.
33
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:39,850
They're just visiting.
34
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:42,978
(car horn blaring
"Tequila" riff)
35
00:01:43,061 --> 00:01:46,440
Hey, Mexican Superman,
I got the keys made.
36
00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:48,108
Hey, Mexican Batman,
get out of here.
37
00:01:48,192 --> 00:01:50,027
What? I got like
60 keys.
38
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,987
(speaking Spanish)
Siléncio! Jefe aquí!
39
00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:54,198
¿Qué?
Evición.
40
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,490
(tires screeching)
41
00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,244
That ought to
keep Mort away.
42
00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:00,954
Peter, what the hell
is that?
43
00:02:01,038 --> 00:02:03,207
Lois, I'm tired of Mort
always mooching off us,
44
00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:04,833
so I made a scare-Jew.
45
00:02:04,917 --> 00:02:07,419
Peter, we're not gonna have
this in our front yard.
46
00:02:07,503 --> 00:02:10,005
It's racist, and for God's sake,
you ruined your best suit.
47
00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:11,715
Now we're gonna have
to get you a new one...
48
00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:13,509
Shh-shh.
Lois, Lois, look.
49
00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:15,802
Hey, guys, I just wanted
to return your...
50
00:02:15,886 --> 00:02:18,430
Oh! Oh, my God,
it's Hitler!
51
00:02:18,514 --> 00:02:19,640
He's back! He's back!
52
00:02:19,723 --> 00:02:21,558
Hurry, protect Jon Stewart!
53
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:23,644
He's our most important Jew!
54
00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:28,982
Why do we have to get
me a suit here?
55
00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:30,150
Well, since you keep
ruining them,
56
00:02:30,234 --> 00:02:32,152
I'm not going to buy
you a brand-new one.
57
00:02:33,445 --> 00:02:35,489
Yes, I'll take this teddy bear,
58
00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:38,575
this ruler, this piece of string
59
00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:40,118
and this cardboard box.
60
00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:42,454
Mm-hmm.
61
00:02:43,789 --> 00:02:46,625
Oh, look,
an "On The Raggedy Ann" doll.
62
00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:48,794
It's water weight,
you bastard!
63
00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:49,878
Get off me!
64
00:02:49,962 --> 00:02:51,296
I'm not your whore.
65
00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:54,883
(sobbing):
I'm sorry, I'm just so sad.
66
00:02:54,967 --> 00:02:56,301
Well, I guess
I can still play with it
67
00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:58,428
three weeks out of the month.
68
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,389
Hi, there. See
anything you like?
69
00:03:00,472 --> 00:03:01,682
Oh, I'm just browsing.
70
00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:04,434
Say, you look like you
could use an activity book
71
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,061
with half the
activities done.
72
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:08,522
Wow, that would save me
half the time.
73
00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:09,898
Connect the dots?
74
00:03:09,982 --> 00:03:12,943
Ha! More like set the book
down and have a beer.
75
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,945
You got yourself a deal.
76
00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:18,448
(celestial music playing)
77
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:21,159
What... are those?!
78
00:03:21,243 --> 00:03:23,453
Oh, that's a pair of red
flannel feety pajamas.
79
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:24,788
Good Lord.
80
00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:27,207
See, they've got a flap
that opens up in the back.
81
00:03:27,291 --> 00:03:29,793
Are you telling me I
could be pooping and warm?
82
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,295
Exactly.
83
00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:34,631
No longer would I have
to make a choice between the two.
84
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:37,009
Sir, here is a check
with my name on it.
85
00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:39,970
Write down any number
on this piece of paper, and I will pay it.
86
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,392
All right, so
we roll the dice
87
00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:47,352
and then we both have to
yell "Yahtzee" really loud.
88
00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:48,520
At the same time?
Yeah.
89
00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:50,564
And you have to flap
your wrists like this.
90
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,816
And you'll do it, too?
Of course, that's how it's done.
91
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,234
Okay.
All right, ready?
92
00:03:54,318 --> 00:03:56,361
Okay, you gonna do it with me?
Oh, yeah.
93
00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:57,446
Yahtzee!
94
00:03:57,529 --> 00:03:59,031
Gay.
You suck!
95
00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:00,657
Hey, everybody,
I'm home from work.
96
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:03,785
My God, Peter, you wore
those pajamas to your office?
97
00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:05,579
Hey, at least
I'm mixing it up a little bit.
98
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:07,873
Green shirt, tan pants,
that's refreshing.
99
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:09,708
Oh, boy does
it feel good
100
00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:11,001
to undo my butt flap.
101
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,252
Ew, Dad!
102
00:04:12,336 --> 00:04:14,588
We don't want to sit here
and look at your ass.
103
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:17,257
Yes, I'd rather look at Meg
toweling off after a shower
104
00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:20,010
when she does that
butt floss thing.
105
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,595
Ew, ew, that's so disgusting.
106
00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:23,931
Ugh, ugh, I hope I don't ever
accidentally use that towel.
107
00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:25,557
(yells)
108
00:04:25,641 --> 00:04:27,893
Lois, I have never
been more comfortable
109
00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:30,312
as a person than I am
in these feety pajamas.
110
00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:31,813
All warm and furry.
111
00:04:31,897 --> 00:04:33,649
This is what it feels
like to be a bear.
112
00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:35,859
You remember what I used
to say, Lois, when we first got married?
113
00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:38,487
You remember? I used to say,
"What would it feel like to be a bear"?
114
00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:39,821
Well, this is it.
115
00:04:39,905 --> 00:04:41,573
This is it-- I'm
living it, baby.
116
00:04:41,657 --> 00:04:42,908
No, you're not.
117
00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:45,118
You've been wearing those
things for three days.
118
00:04:45,202 --> 00:04:46,328
You can wear them to bed,
119
00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:47,704
but tomorrow we're
getting rid of them.
120
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:48,914
(sighs)
Fine.
121
00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:50,916
Screw up all
my fuzziness.
122
00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:52,292
(feet shuffling)
123
00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:53,669
(electrical snap)
(yells)
124
00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:55,963
What the hell was that?
125
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,130
(electrical snap)
(yells)
126
00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,758
Oh, my God.
Lois, don't get alarmed,
127
00:04:59,842 --> 00:05:02,094
but I think I might be Jesus.
128
00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:03,595
I'm Jesus.
129
00:05:03,679 --> 00:05:05,180
Peter, that's
a static shock.
130
00:05:05,264 --> 00:05:07,349
Your pajamas created
a charge of electricity
131
00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:09,351
when you dragged your
feet across the carpet,
132
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,103
and when you touched
Chris, you passed it on.
133
00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:12,771
Kneel before Christ!
134
00:05:12,855 --> 00:05:13,897
(electrical snap)
(yells)
135
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:20,988
(feet shuffling)
(chuckling)
136
00:05:22,406 --> 00:05:23,740
(electrical snap)
(yells)
137
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:26,118
Dad!
I am not your dad.
138
00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:29,580
I am Electric Man.
139
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,544
(chuckling)
140
00:05:37,296 --> 00:05:39,214
Ow! Damn it,
Peter, stop it!
141
00:05:39,298 --> 00:05:40,966
I got to tell you,
you're pissing me off
142
00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:42,426
worse than when I watched
the O.J. verdict
143
00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:43,594
with my old roommate.
144
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,888
WOMAN:
We the jury find the defendant
145
00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:48,390
Orenthal James Simpson,
not guilty...
146
00:05:48,473 --> 00:05:50,100
Yes!
What the hell?!
147
00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:52,060
What?!
What?!
148
00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:53,645
Maybe we should
get new roommates.
149
00:05:53,729 --> 00:05:55,397
Yeah, maybe we should.
150
00:05:56,648 --> 00:05:58,483
(Peter giggling)
151
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:01,111
Peter, I know you're in here.
152
00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:02,613
Yes, I am,
Lois.
153
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,490
But where?
154
00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:08,118
Peter, if you shock me,
I swear to God I'm leaving you.
155
00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:10,078
You'll have to find
me first, Lois.
156
00:06:10,162 --> 00:06:11,955
Where could
I be?
157
00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:13,624
Well, there's a Quonset hut
158
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,292
that I've never seen in
this room before.
159
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:16,627
I got to figure
you're in there.
160
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:18,045
How do you know, Lois?
161
00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:20,881
I could be in that New York
style magazine kiosk.
162
00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:23,008
Peter, this all
looks very expensive.
163
00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:25,219
Yes, you might say
it was...
164
00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:27,095
shockingly expensive.
165
00:06:27,179 --> 00:06:28,931
I'm going to try
the Quonset hut.
166
00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:30,015
(electrical snap)
(yells)
167
00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:31,725
(laughing):
I was in the bathroom.
168
00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:35,354
The hut and the kiosk--
decoys, Lois, decoys!
169
00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:39,858
Glen, thank you
so much
170
00:06:39,942 --> 00:06:41,860
for helping me
tear up my carpet.
171
00:06:41,944 --> 00:06:43,904
Well, you know, Lois,
I got to confess,
172
00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:45,489
when you called me I sort
of misunderstood
173
00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:46,573
what you were asking for.
174
00:06:46,657 --> 00:06:48,116
That's why I rushed over.
175
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:49,868
But, uh... well, it's fine,
it's fine, whatever,
176
00:06:49,952 --> 00:06:50,953
I'm happy to help.
177
00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:52,454
What the hell is this?
178
00:06:52,538 --> 00:06:54,831
Peter, I've had it
with all your shocking.
179
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:56,416
Since you won't get rid
of those pajamas,
180
00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:58,043
I'm getting rid
of the carpets.
181
00:06:58,126 --> 00:07:00,128
Hey, Lois, you want me to leave
a little strip in this thing?
182
00:07:00,212 --> 00:07:02,631
Maybe a lightning bolt,
unicorn, something like that?
183
00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:04,633
No, I want it all
gone, Glen.
184
00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:07,052
All right,
we're going Brazilian.
185
00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:08,554
Hey, what's this?
186
00:07:08,637 --> 00:07:09,888
Some kind of really
old coin.
187
00:07:09,972 --> 00:07:11,682
Huh. Let me see that.
188
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,225
Wait a minute, do you know
what this is?
189
00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:15,936
This is an 18th-century
Rhode Island ship token.
190
00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:17,437
This thing's got
to be worth 50 grand.
191
00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:19,064
50 grand?!
192
00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:20,357
Oh, my God!
193
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,942
I can finally afford
that operation
194
00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:24,695
to swap my vocal cords
with Patrick Stewart.
195
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,864
(Patrick Stewart's voice):
Hey, Lois, I spent the afternoon
196
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:29,324
making a list of
famous Armenians.
197
00:07:29,408 --> 00:07:32,119
Eric Bogosian,
Andre Agassi,
198
00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:34,496
Jerry "The Shark"
Tarkanian.
199
00:07:34,580 --> 00:07:35,831
That is all.
200
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:41,587
Peter, you've been sleeping
with that money for the past week.
201
00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:43,839
Don't you think it's time
we did something with it?
202
00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:45,507
Buy a bolt and shut
that trap of yours?
203
00:07:45,591 --> 00:07:46,592
What?
What?
204
00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:47,759
'Cause I had an idea.
205
00:07:47,843 --> 00:07:49,261
Remember when we
first got married...
206
00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:51,221
And I said, "I wonder what
it would be like to be a bear"?
207
00:07:51,305 --> 00:07:54,141
No, no, no, I'm talking
about that dream we had, Peter.
208
00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:56,518
Remember? We tried to
open that restaurant,
209
00:07:56,602 --> 00:07:58,896
and we never quite
got it going.
210
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,940
Yeah, we got shut down
'cause of my exploding cupcakes.
211
00:08:02,024 --> 00:08:05,360
Mmm, I hope these taste
as good as they look.
212
00:08:05,444 --> 00:08:07,613
(gasps):
Gerald!
213
00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:08,864
(chuckles)
214
00:08:08,947 --> 00:08:10,574
The secret is in the frosting.
215
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:12,910
But I'll never tell.
216
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:15,579
Well, here's another chance
to open a restaurant.
217
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:16,914
You're right.
218
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,540
Ooh, and I'll make
my special cupcakes.
219
00:08:18,624 --> 00:08:20,959
No, Peter...
Oh, yeah, right, that was the problem.
220
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,176
All right, everybody,
only three hours till opening.
221
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,803
Oh, this is going to be
the coolest place in Quahog.
222
00:08:31,887 --> 00:08:33,764
All the movers and shakers
and bigwigs
223
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:36,850
are going to eat here...
but not the small wigs.
224
00:08:36,934 --> 00:08:39,353
Hey, I'm hungry.
225
00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:41,146
I got a credit card.
226
00:08:41,230 --> 00:08:42,981
Oh, God, I'm so nervous.
227
00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:44,775
I hope it goes well.
228
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,360
Oh, yes, I'm sure it
will go as well
229
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:48,403
as Liza Minnelli's
Playboy shoot.
230
00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:50,656
Oh, God, please put
your clothes back on.
231
00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:53,033
Mama... Mama...
232
00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:55,410
Do you love me now, Mama?
233
00:08:55,494 --> 00:08:57,829
(sobbing):
Please love me, Mama!
234
00:09:02,251 --> 00:09:04,002
Good evening. Welcome to
Big Pete's House of Munch.
235
00:09:04,086 --> 00:09:05,379
May I help you?
236
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,381
Yes, do you accept
the Discover card?
237
00:09:07,464 --> 00:09:10,551
Ha! Hey, Lois, Diamond
Jim Brady over here
238
00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:13,220
just asked if we accept
the Discover card.
239
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:16,974
LOIS: Oh, they're in an exclusive
club called anybody.
240
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,058
Yeah.
241
00:09:18,141 --> 00:09:19,601
No, no, no, I
don't think so.
242
00:09:19,685 --> 00:09:22,813
You know, you know,
I would rather take two live chickens
243
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,982
than your fly-by-
night credit card.
244
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:27,484
I would rather take
a jar of pennies
245
00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:29,945
that's value was less
than that of your bill.
246
00:09:30,028 --> 00:09:31,613
Look, you don't
have to insult me.
247
00:09:31,697 --> 00:09:33,991
No, no, no, you are going
to sit there and listen
248
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,784
to the funny things
I would take
249
00:09:35,868 --> 00:09:37,327
instead of your
credit card.
250
00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:41,164
The guy at table seven
complained
251
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:43,500
there's not enough juice
on his prime rib.
252
00:09:43,584 --> 00:09:44,918
Oh, did he, now?
253
00:09:45,002 --> 00:09:46,336
Let me take care
of that for him.
254
00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,130
(rat squeaking)
255
00:09:48,213 --> 00:09:49,715
(retching)
256
00:09:49,798 --> 00:09:52,217
Tell him, bon
appétit, douchebag.
257
00:09:54,970 --> 00:09:57,139
Oh, look, it's one of those
early Maude episodes
258
00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:59,558
with the really long
opening credit sequence.
259
00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:02,769
(theme from Maude playing)
260
00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:06,273
♪ Lady Godiva
was a freedom rider ♪
261
00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:09,484
♪ She didn't care
if the whole world looked ♪
262
00:10:09,568 --> 00:10:13,280
♪ Joan of Arc
with the Lord to guide her ♪
263
00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:16,575
♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪
264
00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:20,245
♪ Madame Curie was a strong
woman character ♪
265
00:10:20,329 --> 00:10:23,415
♪ Working all day
in a science lab, yeah ♪
266
00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:26,543
♪ Clara Barton
was a famous nurse ♪
267
00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:30,422
♪ Who was rapping with the
soldiers and bandages, too ♪
268
00:10:30,506 --> 00:10:33,675
♪ Susan B. Anthony
always out doin' stuff ♪
269
00:10:33,759 --> 00:10:36,637
♪ Marching around
and holding up signs... ♪
270
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,597
And then there's Maude.
271
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:41,475
♪ Pocahontas had it all goin' on ♪
What the hell?
272
00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:45,020
♪ An Indian guide
with lots of Indian pride ♪
273
00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:48,482
♪ Indira Gandhi ran
a whole big country ♪
274
00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:51,235
♪ That isn't easy even
if you're a guy... ♪
275
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:53,111
And then there's Maude?
276
00:10:53,195 --> 00:10:56,365
♪ Babe Zaharias was a good athlete ♪
Aw, come on!
277
00:10:56,448 --> 00:10:59,493
♪ Good at track and field
and professional golf, too ♪
278
00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:00,953
And then there's Maude!
279
00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:04,164
♪ Amelia Earhart flew
a lot of airplanes ♪
280
00:11:04,248 --> 00:11:07,626
♪ Except for that one time
when she didn't come back ♪
281
00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:11,296
♪ Cleopatra lived out in the desert... ♪
And then there's Maude! Come on!
282
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:14,967
♪ But still found a way to keep
herself looking fine ♪
283
00:11:15,050 --> 00:11:19,763
♪ And then there's Maude... ♪
Ah! Ah! There we go!
284
00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:21,223
That was an ordeal.
285
00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:23,642
Well, Peter, this has
been an amazing week.
286
00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:25,519
You and I own
a restaurant.
287
00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:27,020
Can you believe it?
288
00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:28,397
I know. I feel
like I'm dreaming.
289
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,941
Wait. Maybe I am dreaming.
290
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:35,195
That means I can do whatever
I want without consequences.
291
00:11:35,279 --> 00:11:36,363
(whimpering)
292
00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:38,031
What are you doing?
293
00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:40,200
I just adopted 30 puppies!
294
00:11:40,284 --> 00:11:41,952
(laughing)
295
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,746
Who's a (baby talk)?
Who's a (baby talk)?
296
00:11:44,830 --> 00:11:46,498
Who's a (baby talk)?
297
00:11:46,582 --> 00:11:48,375
(laughing)
298
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:50,711
(puppies growling, barking)
299
00:11:50,794 --> 00:11:52,713
(laughing continues)
300
00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:56,800
You guys, I have
some bad news.
301
00:11:56,884 --> 00:11:58,260
I just finished
going over the books,
302
00:11:58,343 --> 00:12:00,637
and this restaurant
is hemorrhaging money.
303
00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:02,890
What? Well, how
is that possible?
304
00:12:02,973 --> 00:12:04,141
Isn't it obvious?
305
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:05,559
We're not getting
enough customers.
306
00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:07,603
This place is like
a ghost town half the time.
307
00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:09,938
Yeah. Maybe somebody
should have asked me.
308
00:12:10,022 --> 00:12:11,398
After all, I'm the only one
in this family
309
00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:13,108
with any business experience.
310
00:12:13,192 --> 00:12:14,860
All right,
Violet and Pigpen,
311
00:12:14,943 --> 00:12:16,486
you've been seeing each other
a few weeks now.
312
00:12:16,570 --> 00:12:17,779
What seems
to be the problem?
313
00:12:17,863 --> 00:12:18,947
I keep getting
bladder infections,
314
00:12:19,031 --> 00:12:20,407
and I don't know why.
315
00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:23,243
Really?
You don't know why?
316
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,664
I don't know
what to do, guys.
317
00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:30,000
The House of Munch
is going down the tubes.
318
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,669
Maybe you need
to do a little advertising, Peter.
319
00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:33,921
Well, I tried.
320
00:12:34,004 --> 00:12:35,255
I even hired
M. Night Shyamalan
321
00:12:35,339 --> 00:12:37,174
to direct my TV commercial.
322
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,468
(whispering):
I have a secret to tell you.
323
00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:41,094
What is it?
Come closer.
324
00:12:42,012 --> 00:12:45,641
I see good food
at competitive prices.
325
00:12:45,724 --> 00:12:48,393
At Big Pete's House of Munch!
Stop on by!
326
00:12:48,477 --> 00:12:50,062
Unfortunately,
they couldn't air it,
327
00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:51,271
'cause it turns out
M. Night Shyamalan
328
00:12:51,355 --> 00:12:52,981
was involved
with September 11.
329
00:12:53,065 --> 00:12:54,775
You know, Peter,
my buddies and I
330
00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:56,652
have been looking
for a new hangout.
331
00:12:56,735 --> 00:12:58,946
Our usual doughnut shop
has gotten a little...
332
00:12:59,029 --> 00:13:01,114
Puerto Ricany.
333
00:13:01,198 --> 00:13:03,825
What if we made your
place our new spot?
334
00:13:03,909 --> 00:13:05,786
Joe, that's
a great idea!
335
00:13:05,869 --> 00:13:07,871
Fantastic! We'll
see you tonight.
336
00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:09,289
This is awesome!
337
00:13:09,373 --> 00:13:12,376
Bunch of cops in uniform
hanging out in my restaurant?
338
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,002
This is going to be
cooler than that time
339
00:13:14,086 --> 00:13:16,547
Ben Stiller taught me
how to be myself.
340
00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:19,591
But how can you
leave me now, Ben Stiller,
341
00:13:19,675 --> 00:13:21,301
when I need you
more than ever?
342
00:13:21,385 --> 00:13:23,846
I've taught you everything
you need to know, Peter.
343
00:13:23,929 --> 00:13:26,431
Now it's time for me
to go help another child.
344
00:13:26,515 --> 00:13:28,058
I guess
I just fooled myself
345
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,352
into thinking
you'd always be with me.
346
00:13:30,435 --> 00:13:31,562
I will, Peter.
347
00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:34,064
I will always
be with you.
348
00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:45,784
His movies are terrible...
349
00:13:50,873 --> 00:13:52,291
Lois, roll out
the red carpet.
350
00:13:52,374 --> 00:13:54,042
Here comes Joe
and his cop buddies.
351
00:13:54,126 --> 00:13:56,170
You got tables for 30?
352
00:14:00,174 --> 00:14:02,009
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Joe!
353
00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:03,719
I thought you were bringing
your cop friends over.
354
00:14:03,802 --> 00:14:05,762
What are all these
parallelograms doing here?
355
00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:07,472
You mean paraplegics.
356
00:14:07,556 --> 00:14:08,891
These are my friends, Peter.
357
00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:10,934
Come on, guys. Let's eat.
358
00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:12,895
Oh, God. I hope
there's not one of those angry,
359
00:14:12,978 --> 00:14:15,772
handicapped Vietnam guys
with the bandana on his head.
360
00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:17,274
Oh! There he is.
361
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:20,235
I've seen some things,
man, and some stuff.
362
00:14:20,319 --> 00:14:21,904
I wouldn't recommend it.
363
00:14:25,824 --> 00:14:28,118
(buzz of chatter)
364
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,997
Peter, isn't
this wonderful?
365
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,665
The place is packed.
366
00:14:33,749 --> 00:14:35,375
Uh... Lois, uh...
367
00:14:35,459 --> 00:14:37,044
aren't you a little
freaked out by this?
368
00:14:37,127 --> 00:14:39,588
Why? Everybody's
having a great time.
369
00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:41,507
Besides, think of the
money we're making.
370
00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:43,133
I don't care about that.
371
00:14:43,217 --> 00:14:44,635
I wanted
a cool restaurant,
372
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:47,012
not the cafeteria
at the veteran's hospital.
373
00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:51,016
This is weirder than
that rap video by M.C. Escher.
374
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:52,935
♪ Going up the stairs
and going down the stairs ♪
375
00:14:53,018 --> 00:14:55,062
♪ And going up the stairs
and going down the stairs ♪
376
00:14:55,145 --> 00:14:57,314
♪ And going up
the sideways stairs. ♪
377
00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:02,903
And, in local news, a new restaurant
is taking Quahog by storm.
378
00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:04,446
That's right, Diane.
379
00:15:04,530 --> 00:15:06,782
If you're handicapped,
or know someone who's handicapped,
380
00:15:06,865 --> 00:15:08,408
or just happen
to be a fan of the circus,
381
00:15:08,492 --> 00:15:10,786
then come on down
to Big Pete's House of Munch,
382
00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:13,163
where the elite without feet
meet to eat.
383
00:15:13,247 --> 00:15:14,957
Lois, this is insanity.
384
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:16,458
I think we should shut
down the restaurant.
385
00:15:16,542 --> 00:15:19,211
But... why?
We're doing so well.
386
00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:20,838
Lois, let me explain
something to you, all right?
387
00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:22,840
Cripples are not cool.
388
00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:24,341
Hang on. I'm going
to get the picture.
389
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:25,467
Oh, Peter, don't...
390
00:15:25,551 --> 00:15:27,594
(shouting gibberish)
391
00:15:27,678 --> 00:15:28,804
What do you
see here, Lois?
392
00:15:28,887 --> 00:15:30,389
Do we have to...?
What do you see?!
393
00:15:30,472 --> 00:15:33,058
(sighs)
A picture of Mark Harmon.
394
00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:34,935
A picture of Mark Harmon,
395
00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:37,020
the greatest actor
who ever lived.
396
00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:38,480
Do you see a wheelchair
under Mark Harmon?
397
00:15:38,564 --> 00:15:39,565
Peter...
398
00:15:39,648 --> 00:15:44,486
Lois, do you...
see a wheelchair...
399
00:15:44,570 --> 00:15:46,405
under Mark Harmon?
400
00:15:46,488 --> 00:15:47,948
No.
No, you do not,
401
00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:50,075
because Mark Harmon
is cool.
402
00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:51,493
And I know what
you're thinking.
403
00:15:51,577 --> 00:15:53,829
"Oh, Peter, this is just
like your Gil Gerard speech."
404
00:15:53,912 --> 00:15:56,582
And you can stop
right in your tracks, because it is not.
405
00:15:56,665 --> 00:15:59,251
Granted, it is similar
to the Gil Gerard speech, but it...
406
00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:01,545
Peter, I like our restaurant
the way it is,
407
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:04,006
and if you don't,
that's your problem.
408
00:16:04,089 --> 00:16:06,884
Fine. Then I'll deal
with this myself.
409
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:11,722
All right, here they come.
410
00:16:14,057 --> 00:16:16,226
Hey, Peter,
we're here for dinner.
411
00:16:16,310 --> 00:16:17,561
Oh no, you're
not, Joe.
412
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,104
We have a new policy.
413
00:16:19,188 --> 00:16:20,189
Can't you read the sign?
414
00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:24,818
Peter, what the hell
is that all about?
415
00:16:24,902 --> 00:16:26,612
It's a message, Joe.
416
00:16:26,695 --> 00:16:28,822
I don't want you
and your kind eating here anymore.
417
00:16:28,906 --> 00:16:30,324
You're ruining
what was supposed
418
00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:31,992
to be a cool
establishment.
419
00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:34,286
Peter, you're one
of my closest friends.
420
00:16:34,369 --> 00:16:35,621
Are you... you telling me
that you have a problem
421
00:16:35,704 --> 00:16:37,372
with me being handicapped?
422
00:16:37,456 --> 00:16:38,582
As a matter of
fact, Joe, yes.
423
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,167
I think it's immoral.
424
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:43,045
It's a lifestyle choice
you're forcing on America.
425
00:16:43,128 --> 00:16:45,756
We handicapped
are a proud people!
426
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,174
Yeah, when you're not
drinking and gambling
427
00:16:47,257 --> 00:16:49,843
on your reservations,
which we gave you.
428
00:16:49,927 --> 00:16:52,638
Fine, if that's
the way you want it,
429
00:16:52,721 --> 00:16:55,849
but we're not going
to go down easy.
430
00:16:55,933 --> 00:16:57,434
Okay, that was easy.
431
00:16:57,518 --> 00:17:00,062
But I'll be back
with more handicapped guys!
432
00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:07,903
Dad, look! Here they come!
433
00:17:12,324 --> 00:17:15,827
Peter, we'll give you
one last chance to let us in!
434
00:17:15,911 --> 00:17:17,454
Heh! What are you
going to do, Joe?
435
00:17:17,538 --> 00:17:19,039
I'm up here.
436
00:17:19,122 --> 00:17:22,292
(high-pitched, sing-songy):
And you're down there.
437
00:17:22,376 --> 00:17:24,962
Very well, Peter,
you leave us no choice.
438
00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:28,006
Men, form up Crippletron!
439
00:17:30,843 --> 00:17:33,220
(mechanical whirring)
440
00:18:02,374 --> 00:18:03,792
(screams)
441
00:18:09,798 --> 00:18:13,594
(Joe screaming)
442
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:21,935
Help! Help! Somebody help me!
443
00:18:22,019 --> 00:18:24,396
Ben Stiller, help me.
444
00:18:24,479 --> 00:18:26,982
No, Peter. I heard what
you said about my movies.
445
00:18:27,065 --> 00:18:28,066
How did you hear?
446
00:18:28,150 --> 00:18:29,193
Hello!
447
00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:31,862
Go to hell, you
mutant offspring of comedy people.
448
00:18:34,948 --> 00:18:37,618
Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid
he'll never walk again...
449
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:40,037
(both gasp) without remembering
how lucky he is
450
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:41,955
that he'll only be in this
wheelchair for two weeks.
451
00:18:42,039 --> 00:18:44,166
That leg should
heal up just fine.
452
00:18:44,249 --> 00:18:46,251
Peter, you do realize
you deserve this
453
00:18:46,335 --> 00:18:47,461
for the way
you treated Joe.
454
00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,505
I think you owe
him an apology.
455
00:18:49,588 --> 00:18:51,089
Are you kidding, Lois?
456
00:18:51,173 --> 00:18:52,925
It ain't my fault that him
and all his gimpy friends
457
00:18:53,008 --> 00:18:54,801
don't fit in with
regular society.
458
00:18:54,885 --> 00:18:56,136
But I'm gonna
be different.
459
00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:57,846
I'll be a dignified cripple,
460
00:18:57,930 --> 00:19:00,224
and I'll show them all
how it's done!
461
00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:03,936
("I Guess That's Why They Call
It The Blues" intro playing)
462
00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:14,821
♪ Don't wish it away ♪
463
00:19:14,905 --> 00:19:19,576
♪ Don't look at it
like it's forever ♪
464
00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:25,874
♪ Between you and me ♪
465
00:19:25,958 --> 00:19:28,168
♪ I could honestly say ♪
466
00:19:28,252 --> 00:19:31,463
♪ That things
can only get better ♪
467
00:19:34,049 --> 00:19:36,260
♪ And while I'm away ♪
468
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:38,262
♪ Ooh... ♪
469
00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:41,682
♪ Dust out the demons inside ♪
470
00:19:41,765 --> 00:19:43,559
♪ Ooh... ♪
471
00:19:43,642 --> 00:19:48,647
♪ And it won't be long
before you and me run ♪
472
00:19:48,730 --> 00:19:51,942
♪ To the place in our hearts ♪
473
00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:55,529
♪ Where we hide ♪
474
00:19:57,865 --> 00:20:03,412
♪ And I guess that's why
they call it the blues ♪
475
00:20:03,495 --> 00:20:06,373
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
476
00:20:06,456 --> 00:20:07,958
♪ And I guess that's
why they call it ♪
477
00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:09,668
(sighs)
478
00:20:09,751 --> 00:20:12,254
♪ The blues. ♪
479
00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:14,548
Joe, uh... you
got a minute?
480
00:20:14,631 --> 00:20:15,757
What is it, Peter?
481
00:20:15,841 --> 00:20:18,677
I, uh... just wanted
to apologize.
482
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:20,012
I thought you
and your friends
483
00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:21,847
were just a bunch
of gross cripples,
484
00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:25,017
but I've been
in a wheelchair for 45 minutes now,
485
00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:26,643
and I see how
tough it is.
486
00:20:26,727 --> 00:20:29,897
Well, Peter, it's been
a rough week for both of us,
487
00:20:29,980 --> 00:20:33,025
but it means a lot to me
to hear you say that.
488
00:20:33,108 --> 00:20:35,485
So what do you say?
Can we put all this behind us?
489
00:20:35,569 --> 00:20:37,279
I'd like nothing better.
490
00:20:37,362 --> 00:20:39,364
Hey, Bonnie and I are
watching Grey's Anatomy
491
00:20:39,448 --> 00:20:41,074
if you want to come in.
492
00:20:41,158 --> 00:20:42,951
Oh, boy, Joe, I...
I got to tell you,
493
00:20:43,035 --> 00:20:45,245
that... that...
that sounds awful.
494
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:50,000
♪
36693
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof