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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:08,133
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
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00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:11,428
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
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00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,431
♪ On which we used to rely?
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00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:18,227
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:21,563
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
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00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:23,106
♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,234
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:25,317 --> 00:00:30,113
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
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ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
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00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:38,622
welcome to the Redneck
Comedy Tour!
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00:00:38,705 --> 00:00:40,165
Featuring Stink Fleaman!
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00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:41,542
You know you're a redneck
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00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:44,628
if you come from a rural area
and behave as such.
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00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:45,963
(audience laughs)
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00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:47,464
Mike Drunkbeater.
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00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,174
Oh, that dog of mine!
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00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:50,676
(audience laughs)
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00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:53,136
Walt "Coffee & Pie"
Abernathy.
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00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:54,388
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
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00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:56,223
(audience laughs)
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00:00:56,306 --> 00:01:00,102
And Larry, the guy who works
for the department of water and power.
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00:01:00,185 --> 00:01:02,813
You tell me how
that got in there!
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00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:05,524
Whoo!
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00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:06,608
(laughing)
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00:01:06,692 --> 00:01:07,693
He's right.
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00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:09,611
Who knows how that got in there?
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00:01:09,695 --> 00:01:10,946
Peter, can we
please go now?
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00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:12,030
This is excruciating.
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00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:13,532
Are you kidding, Brian?
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00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:16,118
These men and their redneck
lifestyle really speak to me.
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00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:18,245
This is the greatest show
I've seen in years.
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00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:20,622
Not like the last time
I was at a comedy club.
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00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:22,124
I hear this guy's hilarious.
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00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:23,250
He played Kramer,
you know.
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00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:25,878
Oh, this is
gonna be fun!
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00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:32,217
(car horn playing "Dixie")
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00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:38,932
Peter, wh-what the hell are you
doing with a pickup truck?
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00:01:39,016 --> 00:01:40,434
Wait. Let me guess.
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00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:42,686
This is because of the Redneck
Comedy Festival, isn't it?
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00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:44,229
(Southern accent):
Oh, that dog of mine.
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00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:46,231
Peter, you can't suddenly decide
to be a redneck
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00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:47,733
just because of some show.
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00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:48,984
Some show?
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00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:51,069
Lois, those men showed me
the way to an identity
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00:01:51,153 --> 00:01:53,155
I've been searching for
my whole life.
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00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:55,949
I am going to do everything
a redneck is supposed to do.
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00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:57,951
Ugh! This is going
to be more painful to watch
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00:01:58,035 --> 00:02:00,370
than when he ate
half a Fudgesicle in one bite.
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00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:02,748
Oh, boy! A Fudgesicle!
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00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:06,335
(shuddering)
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00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:09,296
(screaming)
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00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:10,839
(explosion)
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00:02:13,008 --> 00:02:14,801
Chris, what happened
to the couch?
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00:02:14,885 --> 00:02:16,261
Dad dragged it out on the lawn,
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00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:19,181
'cause he said
that's what rednecks do.
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00:02:21,183 --> 00:02:23,435
Hey, Meg, come here.
Have a seat.
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00:02:23,519 --> 00:02:26,355
(yawns)
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00:02:26,438 --> 00:02:28,899
Dad, what
are you doing?
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00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,234
Meg, I'm a redneck,
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00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:32,486
which means I am about
to do something to you
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00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:35,113
that you will not remember
until you're 40.
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00:02:35,197 --> 00:02:37,074
(screaming)
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00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,826
Meg, come back here!
I meant sex!
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00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:45,707
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Carl Sagan's Cosmos,
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00:02:45,791 --> 00:02:47,251
edited for rednecks.
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00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:49,002
I'm Carl Sagan.
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00:02:49,086 --> 00:02:50,629
Just how old is our planet?
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00:02:50,712 --> 00:02:52,673
Scientists believe
it's four bil...
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00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:55,008
MAN: ...hundreds and hundreds
of years old.
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00:02:55,092 --> 00:02:58,136
SAGAN: Scientists have determined that
the universe was created by...
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00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:01,473
MAN:
God!
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00:03:01,557 --> 00:03:03,517
SAGAN: ...big bang.
If you look at the bones of a...
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00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:05,227
MAN:
Jesus.
75
00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:08,188
SAGAN: ...aurus Rex, it's clear, by the
use of carbon-dating that...
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00:03:08,272 --> 00:03:11,316
MAN: Mountain Dew
is the best soda ever made.
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00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:12,985
Peter, do we have
to watch this?
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00:03:13,068 --> 00:03:14,862
This is what
rednecks watch, Brian.
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00:03:18,282 --> 00:03:21,243
Peter, that's disgusting.
Here. Spit in this cup instead.
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00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:25,372
Oh, there's
my apple juice.
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00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:26,623
Stewie, wait. Don't...
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00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,000
(groaning)
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00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:30,294
Where's my money?
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00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:32,087
You going to
give me my money?
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00:03:32,171 --> 00:03:33,338
Aw, never mind.
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00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,341
(screaming)
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00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:39,344
(screaming)
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00:03:45,684 --> 00:03:47,311
Hey, Brian, check it out!
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00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:49,229
Peter, you
painted over the back window.
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00:03:49,313 --> 00:03:50,314
Isn't that dangerous?
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00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:51,440
I'm a redneck, Brian.
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00:03:51,523 --> 00:03:53,025
We like people
driving behind us
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00:03:53,108 --> 00:03:54,693
to know what
our beliefs are.
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00:03:57,487 --> 00:03:58,488
(tires squealing)
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00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:03,035
Peter, what the hell?!
My car!
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00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:04,786
(girls yelling in Thai)
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00:04:04,870 --> 00:04:06,246
Aw, damn it!
Hey! Hey, come back!
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00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:08,123
(yelling in Thai) Huy! Ja pai nai?
Ma nee! Eee dok!
99
00:04:08,207 --> 00:04:11,168
Koo j ignun pai laew! Kee
kohng! Koo tok lohng gahp paw!
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00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,794
Tamai mai tum tam?
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00:04:12,878 --> 00:04:14,171
Oh, sorry, Quagmire.
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00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,048
How the hell am I supposed
to get to the airport?!
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00:04:16,131 --> 00:04:17,966
I got to fly a plane
in 20 minutes.
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00:04:18,050 --> 00:04:19,718
Oh, I can drive you.
I got a pickup truck. See?
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00:04:19,801 --> 00:04:20,802
Well, come on!
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00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:23,055
(tires squealing)
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00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:25,140
(yelling in Thai)
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00:04:25,224 --> 00:04:26,892
Quagmire, I am so sorry.
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00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:28,560
Don't worry about it.
We can go after them.
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00:04:28,644 --> 00:04:30,187
Don't worry about it.
They're tagged! They're tagged!
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00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,647
Just get me
to the airport.
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00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:34,858
(tires squealing)
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00:04:41,532 --> 00:04:42,950
All right.
Thanks a lot, Peter.
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00:04:56,338 --> 00:04:58,799
(romantic music plays)
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00:04:58,882 --> 00:05:00,926
(jet engine whooshing)
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00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,986
That's all the motivation I need
to actually do this.
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00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,495
Did we finish fueling?
118
00:05:28,579 --> 00:05:30,914
Do you see the hose in the plane?
No.
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00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:33,125
Well, then, I guess we're finished.
Thanks, George.
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00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:35,711
You want to say that one more
time without the sarcasm?
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00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,256
QUAGMIRE: Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.
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00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,258
This is your captain,
Glenn Quagmire.
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00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,260
Uh... we're looking at about
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00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:45,137
a four-and-a-half-hour
flight time today.
125
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:48,599
Uh... we've got clear skies,
good visibility.
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00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:51,560
The temperature in Atlanta
is 64 degrees.
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00:05:51,643 --> 00:05:55,272
Uh... the flight's going
to be a little longer
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00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:56,815
than we've expected.
129
00:05:56,899 --> 00:05:59,318
Uh, we've got some very
strong headwinds... giggety.
130
00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:01,695
Uh, flight attendants,
please prepare for takeoff.
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00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:07,492
(beeping)
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00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:08,619
What the hell?!
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00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:12,247
Oh, my God! We're going down!
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00:06:12,331 --> 00:06:13,749
(all screaming)
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00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:18,795
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Secure your own mask first,
136
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,255
and then assist the child!
137
00:06:20,339 --> 00:06:21,840
But the bag's
not inflating!
138
00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:24,301
It's all right!
Even though oxygen is flowing,
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00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,844
the bag may not inflate!
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00:06:25,928 --> 00:06:28,180
(engines whooshing)
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00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:37,689
(hissing)
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00:06:37,773 --> 00:06:39,149
(sighs)
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00:06:39,233 --> 00:06:40,776
That was too close.
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00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:42,027
(chuckling)
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00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:43,695
Sir, we have
a confirmed crash.
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00:06:43,779 --> 00:06:45,239
Flight 37 is down.
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00:06:45,322 --> 00:06:46,907
Well, we'd better
alert the mayor.
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00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,909
I'll have to interrupt
his photo op.
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00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:53,830
My Pet Goat. Page one.
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00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:55,707
"'You know,' said my pet goat,
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00:06:55,791 --> 00:06:58,919
"'I'm sure, if I watched
Grey's Anatomy, I'd like it,
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00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:01,380
but I just
don't have the time.'"
153
00:07:01,463 --> 00:07:03,882
(whispering)
154
00:07:13,225 --> 00:07:16,270
"'You should make the time,'
said the farmer."
155
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,235
Our top story:
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00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:25,696
There was drama in the
skies of Quahog today,
157
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:28,699
as a Trans National
767 was forced to make a crash-landing.
158
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,075
That's right, Diane.
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00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:32,327
As if the world weren't
already scary enough,
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00:07:32,411 --> 00:07:35,414
it seems you can't even get
on a plane safely these days.
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00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:37,916
Channel 5 has
the spectacular footage.
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00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:44,339
Fortunately, no one was injured.
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00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:45,757
However, using state-of-the-art
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00:07:45,841 --> 00:07:47,342
Channel 5
computer technology,
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00:07:47,426 --> 00:07:50,095
we'll show you how disastrous
it could have been.
166
00:07:50,179 --> 00:07:51,263
Here's how it would have looked
167
00:07:51,346 --> 00:07:53,473
if the plane had crashed
into a school.
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00:07:57,644 --> 00:08:00,147
(children screaming)
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00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:01,732
Now here's how
it would've looked
170
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:04,234
if the plane had crashed
into a school for bunnies.
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00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:10,741
(bunnies shrieking)
172
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:12,075
Now here's how
it would've looked
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00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,785
if the plane had crashed
into a school for bunnies
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00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:15,871
but one passenger had survived,
gone home,
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00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:18,081
and mercilessly beat his wife.
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00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:23,545
(bunnies shrieking)
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00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:26,089
I'm alive!
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00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,758
But boy, am I angry!
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00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:29,843
Someone's gonna have
to pay for this!
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00:08:30,928 --> 00:08:33,472
(crying):
Why! Why!
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00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:37,267
Is this because I
overcooked the roast?!
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00:08:37,351 --> 00:08:39,937
Powerful stuff-- you'd
have to be made of stone
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00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,438
not to feel saddened by that.
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00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:44,066
Boy, Quagmire, I'm really
sorry they fired you.
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00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:46,360
I feel like this is
partially my fault.
186
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:48,529
No, Peter, it's perfectly
normal to siphon jet fuel
187
00:08:48,612 --> 00:08:51,240
from an active runway with the intention
of flying a pickup truck.
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00:08:51,323 --> 00:08:54,826
Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble,
but my redneck days are over.
189
00:08:54,910 --> 00:08:57,454
No more crotch shots
of me getting out of a car.
190
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,125
Well, what are you
gonna do now, Quagmire?
191
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:04,753
Hey, it-it's all right.
I got enough in my savings
192
00:09:04,837 --> 00:09:07,339
until I find another job--
I'll be fine.
193
00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:10,676
(squeaky voices):
Three weeks later.
194
00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:14,388
(screams)
195
00:09:14,471 --> 00:09:15,681
Mom! Dad!
196
00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:17,349
There's somebody
in my tree house!
197
00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:20,143
Yeah, and there's an annoying little homo
screaming in my kitchen.
198
00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:22,479
Which one do you think
I'm more pissed about?
199
00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:23,730
I'll remind you
200
00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:25,440
that I was invited here!
201
00:09:25,524 --> 00:09:27,442
All right, who's up there?
202
00:09:27,526 --> 00:09:29,361
Oh, hey, Peter.
Hey, Lois.
203
00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:31,113
Glenn, what are you
doing up there?
204
00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:33,490
Oh, I kind of moved in,
if that's okay.
205
00:09:33,574 --> 00:09:35,742
No airline'll hire me
after the accident.
206
00:09:35,826 --> 00:09:37,619
I'm broke and jobless.
207
00:09:37,703 --> 00:09:39,454
Quagmire, you belong
in a tree.
208
00:09:39,538 --> 00:09:40,998
You're a nut.
209
00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:45,335
(laughing)
210
00:09:45,419 --> 00:09:47,045
What?!
211
00:09:47,129 --> 00:09:50,591
(continues laughing)
212
00:09:50,674 --> 00:09:52,926
Come on down, Quagmire--
you're staying with us.
213
00:09:53,010 --> 00:09:54,887
Oh, great--
this is gonna be worse
214
00:09:54,970 --> 00:09:57,181
than the time I lived
with Marlee Matlin.
215
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:59,433
(flatulating repeatedly)
Hi, Stewie.
216
00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:02,019
Oh, come on, Marlee, I
know you can't hear them,
217
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:05,147
but you got to feel those
things slapping out of there!
218
00:10:08,984 --> 00:10:11,111
Hey, listen, I really
want to thank you guys
219
00:10:11,195 --> 00:10:12,988
for taking me in
in my time of need.
220
00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:15,115
Aw, forget it, Quagmire--
it's the least we could do
221
00:10:15,199 --> 00:10:16,992
after what happened.
(phone rings)
222
00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:20,120
H-Hello?
223
00:10:20,204 --> 00:10:22,080
Oh, you must have
a wrong number.
224
00:10:22,164 --> 00:10:25,209
There's no one here by the name
of Longrod Von Hugendong.
225
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:26,668
Uh-uh-uh-uh...
226
00:10:26,752 --> 00:10:28,921
(mumbling)
227
00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:33,175
Okay, now add 20.
Okay.
228
00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:35,719
Now multiply it by four.
Okay.
229
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:38,096
And what do you got?
8,008.
230
00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:41,141
And what does 8,008 look
like on a calculator?
231
00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:44,186
Oh, "boob"!
232
00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:45,395
Boob! Yeah!
233
00:10:45,479 --> 00:10:47,439
All right! All right!
All right! Boob!
234
00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:49,316
What if we had
two calculators
235
00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:50,984
and we put them
next to each other?
236
00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,069
(gasps)
237
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,987
Yes, yes, yes,
238
00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:55,697
find one, yes!
239
00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:00,786
(snoring softly)
240
00:11:08,669 --> 00:11:10,212
(brief snort)
241
00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:12,714
QUAGMIRE (whispers):
Didn't mean to wake ya.
242
00:11:17,553 --> 00:11:19,888
Peter, you and I need
to talk about Quagmire.
243
00:11:19,972 --> 00:11:22,266
He's been living with
us for over a month,
244
00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:23,851
and I-I think
it's enough now.
245
00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:26,937
Lois, I'm the whole reason
he lost his job and his house.
246
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:29,439
Besides, I can't throw
my best friend out on the street
247
00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,316
like a prom night
Dumpster baby.
248
00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:35,445
Hey, what are you
doing out here?
249
00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:37,656
Don't you want to dance?
Sure!
250
00:11:38,657 --> 00:11:40,909
(big band intro plays)
251
00:11:40,993 --> 00:11:46,415
♪ I'm just a prom night
Dumpster baby ♪
252
00:11:46,498 --> 00:11:49,668
♪ I got no mom or dad ♪
253
00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:54,214
♪ Prom night Dumpster baby ♪
254
00:11:54,298 --> 00:11:57,885
♪ My story isn't long,
but boy, it's awfully sad ♪
255
00:11:57,968 --> 00:11:59,011
♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba, bum ♪
256
00:11:59,094 --> 00:12:01,889
♪ And though I came
from a hole ♪
257
00:12:01,972 --> 00:12:04,016
♪ And though he came
from a hole ♪
258
00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:06,059
♪ I'm singing
right from the soul ♪
259
00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:08,353
♪ He's singing
right from the soul ♪
260
00:12:08,437 --> 00:12:10,314
♪ My fanny needs a blanket ♪
261
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,316
♪ And somebody to spank it ♪
262
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:14,401
♪ I miss my mom ♪
263
00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:15,944
(deep voice):
♪ But she's at the prom
264
00:12:16,028 --> 00:12:20,490
♪ So I'm a prom night
Dumpster baby
265
00:12:20,574 --> 00:12:23,577
♪ Prom night Dumpster baby
266
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:25,287
♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, bum
267
00:12:25,370 --> 00:12:27,164
♪ And I'm takin' a stroll
268
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,208
♪ He's takin' a stroll
269
00:12:29,291 --> 00:12:31,084
♪ I'm takin' a stroll
270
00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:33,003
♪ He's takin' a stroll
271
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,297
♪ I'm takin' a stroll
272
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:36,965
♪ He's takin' a stroll
273
00:12:37,049 --> 00:12:39,051
♪ Aha-ha-I'm takin' a stroll
274
00:12:39,134 --> 00:12:40,969
♪ He's takin' a stroll
275
00:12:41,053 --> 00:12:43,263
♪ I'm takin' a stroll.
276
00:12:45,474 --> 00:12:46,892
(song ends)
277
00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:49,478
Besides, Quagmire
doesn't even have a job.
278
00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:51,021
Well, you're gonna have
to help him find one,
279
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,148
because I've had enough of
him living in this house.
280
00:12:53,232 --> 00:12:54,900
Eh, you're
overreacting, Lois.
281
00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:57,569
And you can't spell "overreacting"
without "ovary."
282
00:12:57,653 --> 00:13:00,781
'Cause you're a girl.
I'm not overreacting!
283
00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:02,991
Hey, uh, just an FYI,
really no reason
284
00:13:03,075 --> 00:13:04,868
to go into any greater
detail than this.
285
00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:09,623
Uh, Stewie should probably
never use this pacifier again.
286
00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:12,334
Okay, so I'll talk
to him tomorrow?
287
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:13,585
(canned audience laughter)
288
00:13:13,669 --> 00:13:16,630
(upbeat sitcom music playing)
289
00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:26,890
So how's the
job hunt going?
290
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,058
It's awful, Cleveland.
291
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,102
Quagmire blew every gig
we got him.
292
00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:31,937
It's too bad.
I really liked that job
293
00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:33,730
working on the
Starship Enterprise.
294
00:13:35,107 --> 00:13:39,194
Dude, you got to introduce
me to that black chick.
295
00:13:39,278 --> 00:13:41,989
Guys, the only thing I know
how to do is fly a plane.
296
00:13:42,072 --> 00:13:43,949
That's what
I was born for.
297
00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:46,326
And I'll never be happy
unless I can do it again.
298
00:13:46,410 --> 00:13:48,161
Then that's the only answer.
299
00:13:48,245 --> 00:13:51,039
Somehow we've got to get
Quagmire his job back.
300
00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:54,126
Fellas, I think I have an idea.
301
00:13:57,379 --> 00:14:00,257
Okay, guys, let's go over
the plan one more time.
302
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,926
Quagmire will pose
as an airline passenger
303
00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:04,845
on the 6:00 flight to New York.
304
00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:07,848
Then Joe and I will sneak into
the flight attendants' lounge
305
00:14:07,931 --> 00:14:10,350
while Cleveland distracts
the security personnel.
306
00:14:10,434 --> 00:14:11,602
(playing bluegrass tune)
307
00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,687
Once we have the uniforms
and credentials,
308
00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:16,064
Cleveland, Joe and I
will board the plane
309
00:14:16,148 --> 00:14:18,275
posing as flight attendants.
310
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,736
Once we're in the air,
we drug the pilots.
311
00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:22,905
At which point,
Quagmire is forced
312
00:14:22,988 --> 00:14:26,033
to step in and land the plane
safely, making him a hero.
313
00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:28,493
Everybody clear?
314
00:14:28,577 --> 00:14:30,412
Boy, this sounds
like more trouble
315
00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:32,039
than a moose
on the interstate.
316
00:14:36,502 --> 00:14:37,586
Hey, can you
help me out?
317
00:14:37,669 --> 00:14:39,171
I'm trying to get
a couple of bucks
318
00:14:39,254 --> 00:14:40,255
for something to eat.
319
00:14:40,339 --> 00:14:41,423
What's "moose stuff"?
320
00:14:41,507 --> 00:14:43,050
Whatever you
want it to be.
321
00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:44,259
I could have
sex with you
322
00:14:44,343 --> 00:14:45,511
or I could just
stand over there
323
00:14:45,594 --> 00:14:46,595
and drink from the lake.
324
00:14:46,678 --> 00:14:48,847
And everything
in between.
325
00:14:48,931 --> 00:14:50,140
Get in.
326
00:14:55,187 --> 00:14:57,356
(plane engine humming)
327
00:14:57,439 --> 00:15:00,692
(dramatic music plays)
328
00:15:11,078 --> 00:15:13,664
All right, I'm gonna go bring
the pilots their coffee.
329
00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:16,124
Hang on to something, 'cause
this ride's about to get rougher
330
00:15:16,208 --> 00:15:18,794
than dating a hot girl
with a bad laugh.
331
00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:20,963
I really
like you, Sandy.
332
00:15:21,046 --> 00:15:22,965
I really like you,
too, Peter.
333
00:15:23,048 --> 00:15:26,134
Yeah? You like it
when I kiss you here?
334
00:15:26,218 --> 00:15:27,469
Yeah.
335
00:15:27,553 --> 00:15:28,929
How about here?
336
00:15:29,012 --> 00:15:32,641
(deep cackling)
337
00:15:32,724 --> 00:15:34,643
Oh, stop, I'm tick...
338
00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:37,271
(deep cackling)
339
00:15:38,397 --> 00:15:40,399
Ma'am, I hate
to be a nuisance,
340
00:15:40,482 --> 00:15:44,987
but your son stopped kicking
the back of my chair.
341
00:15:45,070 --> 00:15:46,446
Hmm...
342
00:15:46,530 --> 00:15:47,906
Thank you.
343
00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:53,537
(screaming)
344
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:54,997
Oh, no!
345
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,833
Both the pilots are unconscious,
and we're in a nosedive.
346
00:15:57,916 --> 00:16:01,170
If only there was someone
on board who could save us.
347
00:16:03,005 --> 00:16:07,593
I said if only there was someone
on board who could save us.
348
00:16:07,676 --> 00:16:10,804
Uh, Peter,
I don't see Quagmire.
349
00:16:10,888 --> 00:16:13,432
Oh, that was great.
Thanks.
350
00:16:13,515 --> 00:16:15,475
I know you have a
choice in airport sex,
351
00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:17,186
and I appreciate
your choosing Quagmire.
352
00:16:17,269 --> 00:16:19,354
Please exercise caution
when standing up,
353
00:16:19,438 --> 00:16:20,898
as the contents
of your panties
354
00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:22,149
may have shifted
during coitus.
355
00:16:22,232 --> 00:16:24,026
All right, I got
a plane to catch.
356
00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:25,360
Say, which gate
is flight 209?
357
00:16:25,444 --> 00:16:27,905
209? That flight left
half an hour ago.
358
00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:29,615
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
359
00:16:29,698 --> 00:16:30,866
That plane's
going down!
360
00:16:30,949 --> 00:16:31,950
My friends are
on that plane!
361
00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:33,035
They're all gonna die!
362
00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:34,453
What?! Oh, no!
363
00:16:34,536 --> 00:16:35,913
And that's not
the worst part.
364
00:16:35,996 --> 00:16:37,456
Here's the condom
I said I put on.
365
00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:38,916
(gasps)
(chuckling)
366
00:16:38,999 --> 00:16:40,918
Aren't I just the worst?
367
00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:42,044
Good evening,
I'm Tom Tucker.
368
00:16:42,127 --> 00:16:43,587
And I'm Diane Simmons.
369
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,797
More trouble in the skies
over Quahog tonight,
370
00:16:45,881 --> 00:16:48,967
as a Trans National jet is
apparently out of control.
371
00:16:49,051 --> 00:16:50,844
Channel 5 has this
exclusive recording
372
00:16:50,928 --> 00:16:52,888
of a Mayday communication
from the cockpit.
373
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:26,964
Hey, there, son.
374
00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:28,048
Mind if I have a seat?
375
00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:29,591
Hugh Hefner?!
376
00:17:29,675 --> 00:17:31,552
You look like you got
something on your mind.
377
00:17:31,635 --> 00:17:33,303
Ah, who the hell
am I kidding?
378
00:17:33,387 --> 00:17:34,888
I don't deserve
to be a pilot.
379
00:17:34,972 --> 00:17:36,640
I've let everybody down.
380
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,058
Did you do the best
you could?
381
00:17:38,141 --> 00:17:39,309
No. I was gonna,
382
00:17:39,393 --> 00:17:41,478
but I ended up
getting laid instead.
383
00:17:41,562 --> 00:17:43,939
That reminds me of a guy
you might've heard of.
384
00:17:44,022 --> 00:17:45,899
(poignant music plays)
John Holmes.
385
00:17:45,983 --> 00:17:48,193
Greatest porn star
who ever lived.
386
00:17:48,277 --> 00:17:49,987
You know what he once said?
387
00:17:50,070 --> 00:17:53,156
He said, "You know,
I've got a 13-inch member...
388
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:57,619
and Glenn Quagmire is the best
damn pilot I've ever seen."
389
00:17:57,703 --> 00:17:59,079
John Holmes said that?
390
00:17:59,162 --> 00:18:00,539
You bet he did...
391
00:18:00,622 --> 00:18:03,959
right before he died a very
painful, AIDS-related death
392
00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:07,045
from having unprotected sex
with so many people.
393
00:18:07,129 --> 00:18:08,130
(stirring march playing)
394
00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:10,424
Excuse me, Hef.
395
00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:12,926
I got a plane to land.
396
00:18:13,010 --> 00:18:16,930
(Notre Dame Fight Song plays)
397
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:23,228
(engines whooshing)
398
00:18:23,312 --> 00:18:25,105
We're all gonna die!
399
00:18:25,189 --> 00:18:27,065
I can't believe
this is happening!
400
00:18:30,611 --> 00:18:31,820
PETER:
Help us!
401
00:18:31,904 --> 00:18:32,988
(screaming)
Help!
402
00:18:33,071 --> 00:18:34,907
Men, we're doing
everything in our power
403
00:18:34,990 --> 00:18:36,116
to get you down.
404
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:37,826
Stand aside, sir.
405
00:18:37,910 --> 00:18:39,119
I'll take it from here.
406
00:18:39,203 --> 00:18:40,495
Peter, this is Quagmire.
407
00:18:40,579 --> 00:18:42,289
Now I want you to listen
very carefully
408
00:18:42,372 --> 00:18:44,041
and do exactly as I tell you.
409
00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:45,751
Take a firm hold
of the throttle,
410
00:18:45,834 --> 00:18:48,086
and pull the red mixture knob
out slowly.
411
00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:50,088
Okay.
All right, now do you see a button
412
00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:51,798
that looks like
a drunken gay guy
413
00:18:51,882 --> 00:18:53,258
eyeing you from across the bar?
414
00:18:53,342 --> 00:18:54,801
Um...
415
00:18:54,885 --> 00:18:55,928
uh...
416
00:18:56,011 --> 00:18:57,137
yeah, I see it.
417
00:18:57,221 --> 00:18:58,847
All right, press the button
right above it.
418
00:18:58,931 --> 00:19:01,475
Some new developments
in the flight 209 drama.
419
00:19:01,558 --> 00:19:04,394
Recently discharged pilot
Captain Glenn Quagmire
420
00:19:04,478 --> 00:19:06,438
is apparently talking
the plane down.
421
00:19:06,522 --> 00:19:08,273
Ollie Williams has
the story. Ollie?
422
00:19:08,357 --> 00:19:09,691
I'm at the wrong airport.
423
00:19:09,775 --> 00:19:10,943
Oops. Well, thanks, Ollie.
424
00:19:11,026 --> 00:19:13,487
Coming up: Why calling
every Asian man you meet
425
00:19:13,570 --> 00:19:15,948
"Chung King" can land
an anchorman in hot water.
426
00:19:16,031 --> 00:19:17,115
After this.
427
00:19:21,662 --> 00:19:24,456
QUAGMIRE: All right, Peter, slide
the red knob all the way out.
428
00:19:24,540 --> 00:19:26,416
And the second those wheels
touch the ground,
429
00:19:26,500 --> 00:19:27,960
you hit the emergency brake.
430
00:19:30,295 --> 00:19:31,296
(tires screech)
431
00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:45,894
(cheering, yelling)
432
00:19:45,978 --> 00:19:47,145
We made it!
Hallelujah!
433
00:19:47,229 --> 00:19:48,230
Get some!
434
00:19:48,313 --> 00:19:50,065
Well, guess there's
nothing left to do
435
00:19:50,148 --> 00:19:52,150
but watch the end
of Last Holiday.
436
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:58,073
Whoa...!
437
00:19:58,156 --> 00:19:59,449
Damn!
438
00:19:59,533 --> 00:20:01,118
Oh...!
Oh...! Oh...!
439
00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:03,036
Oh, no, she di-in't.
440
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,746
Oh, yes, she did.
441
00:20:04,830 --> 00:20:06,164
No, she di-in't.
442
00:20:06,248 --> 00:20:07,666
Yes, she did.
443
00:20:07,749 --> 00:20:08,792
No, she di-in't.
444
00:20:08,876 --> 00:20:09,960
Yes, she did, Peter!
445
00:20:10,043 --> 00:20:11,044
I just saw it!
446
00:20:11,128 --> 00:20:12,129
All right,
take it easy.
447
00:20:16,341 --> 00:20:19,094
Ah, Glenn, we are
so thrilled for you.
448
00:20:19,178 --> 00:20:20,637
Yeah, guess it didn't
take too much
449
00:20:20,721 --> 00:20:22,556
for you to get your job back,
now that you're a hero.
450
00:20:22,639 --> 00:20:24,141
Yeah, and I'm so happy for you,
451
00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:26,351
I don't even mind that I was
raped in a federal prison
452
00:20:26,435 --> 00:20:28,061
after I was arrested
for hijacking.
453
00:20:28,145 --> 00:20:30,063
Well, I couldn't have
done it without you guys.
454
00:20:30,147 --> 00:20:33,567
You put yourselves on the line
and you gave me my life back.
455
00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:35,194
I'll never forget that.
456
00:20:35,277 --> 00:20:37,696
Now if you'll excuse me,
I got to go to work.
457
00:20:41,158 --> 00:20:46,121
( Little House on the Prairie
closing theme music plays)
32917
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