Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the Redneck Comedy Tour!

Featuring Stink Fleaman!

You know you're a redneck

if you come from a rural area and behave as such.

(audience laughs)

Mike Drunkbeater.

Oh, that dog of mine!

(audience laughs)

Walt "Coffee & Pie" Abernathy.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

(audience laughs)

And Larry, the guy who works for the department of water and power.

You tell me how that got in there!

Whoo!

(laughing)

He's right.

Who knows how that got in there?

Peter, can we please go now?

This is excruciating.

Are you kidding, Brian?

These men and their redneck lifestyle really speak to me.

This is the greatest show I've seen in years.

Not like the last time I was at a comedy club.

I hear this guy's hilarious.

He played Kramer, you know.

Oh, this is gonna be fun!

(car horn playing "Dixie")

Peter, wh-what the hell are you doing with a pickup truck?

Wait. Let me guess.

This is because of the Redneck Comedy Festival, isn't it?

(Southern accent): Oh, that dog of mine.

Peter, you can't suddenly decide to be a redneck

just because of some show.

Some show?

Lois, those men showed me the way to an identity

I've been searching for my whole life.

I am going to do everything a redneck is supposed to do.

Ugh! This is going to be more painful to watch

than when he ate half a Fudgesicle in one bite.

Oh, boy! A Fudgesicle!

(shuddering)

(screaming)

(explosion)

Chris, what happened to the couch?

Dad dragged it out on the lawn,

'cause he said that's what rednecks do.

Hey, Meg, come here. Have a seat.

(yawns)

Dad, what are you doing?

Meg, I'm a redneck,

which means I am about to do something to you

that you will not remember until you're 40.

(screaming)

Meg, come back here! I meant sex!

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos,

edited for rednecks.

I'm Carl Sagan.

Just how old is our planet?

Scientists believe it's four bil...

MAN: ...hundreds and hundreds of years old.

SAGAN: Scientists have determined that the universe was created by...

MAN: God!

SAGAN: ...big bang. If you look at the bones of a...

MAN: Jesus.

SAGAN: ...aurus Rex, it's clear, by the use of carbon-dating that...

MAN: Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.

Peter, do we have to watch this?

This is what rednecks watch, Brian.

Peter, that's disgusting. Here. Spit in this cup instead.

Oh, there's my apple juice.

Stewie, wait. Don't...

(groaning)

Where's my money?

You going to give me my money?

Aw, never mind.

(screaming)

(screaming)

Hey, Brian, check it out!

Peter, you painted over the back window.

Isn't that dangerous?

I'm a redneck, Brian.

We like people driving behind us

to know what our beliefs are.

(tires squealing)

Peter, what the hell?! My car!

(girls yelling in Thai)

Aw, damn it! Hey! Hey, come back!

(yelling in Thai) Huy! Ja pai nai? Ma nee! Eee dok!

Koo j ignun pai laew! Kee kohng! Koo tok lohng gahp paw!

Tamai mai tum tam?

Oh, sorry, Quagmire.

How the hell am I supposed to get to the airport?!

I got to fly a plane in 20 minutes.

Oh, I can drive you. I got a pickup truck. See?

Well, come on!

(tires squealing)

(yelling in Thai)

Quagmire, I am so sorry.

Don't worry about it. We can go after them.

Don't worry about it. They're tagged! They're tagged!

Just get me to the airport.

(tires squealing)

All right. Thanks a lot, Peter.

(romantic music plays)

(jet engine whooshing)

That's all the motivation I need to actually do this.

Did we finish fueling?

Do you see the hose in the plane? No.

Well, then, I guess we're finished. Thanks, George.

You want to say that one more time without the sarcasm?

QUAGMIRE: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

This is your captain, Glenn Quagmire.

Uh... we're looking at about

a four-and-a-half-hour flight time today.

Uh... we've got clear skies, good visibility.

The temperature in Atlanta is 64 degrees.

Uh... the flight's going to be a little longer

than we've expected.

Uh, we've got some very strong headwinds... giggety.

Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for takeoff.

(beeping)

What the hell?!

Oh, my God! We're going down!

(all screaming)

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Secure your own mask first,

and then assist the child!

But the bag's not inflating!

It's all right! Even though oxygen is flowing,

the bag may not inflate!

(engines whooshing)

(hissing)

(sighs)

That was too close.

(chuckling)

Sir, we have a confirmed crash.

Flight 37 is down.

Well, we'd better alert the mayor.

I'll have to interrupt his photo op.

My Pet Goat. Page one.

"'You know,' said my pet goat,

"'I'm sure, if I watched Grey's Anatomy, I'd like it,

but I just don't have the time.'"

(whispering)

"'You should make the time,' said the farmer."

Our top story:

There was drama in the skies of Quahog today,

as a Trans National 767 was forced to make a crash-landing.

That's right, Diane.

As if the world weren't already scary enough,

it seems you can't even get on a plane safely these days.

Channel 5 has the spectacular footage.

Fortunately, no one was injured.

However, using state-of-the-art

Channel 5 computer technology,

we'll show you how disastrous it could have been.

Here's how it would have looked

if the plane had crashed into a school.

(children screaming)

Now here's how it would've looked

if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies.

(bunnies shrieking)

Now here's how it would've looked

if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies

but one passenger had survived, gone home,

and mercilessly beat his wife.

(bunnies shrieking)

I'm alive!

But boy, am I angry!

Someone's gonna have to pay for this!

(crying): Why! Why!

Is this because I overcooked the roast?!

Powerful stuff-- you'd have to be made of stone

not to feel saddened by that.

Boy, Quagmire, I'm really sorry they fired you.

I feel like this is partially my fault.

No, Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel

from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck.

Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble, but my redneck days are over.

No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car.

Well, what are you gonna do now, Quagmire?

Hey, it-it's all right. I got enough in my savings

until I find another job-- I'll be fine.

(squeaky voices): Three weeks later.

(screams)

Mom! Dad!

There's somebody in my tree house!

Yeah, and there's an annoying little homo screaming in my kitchen.

Which one do you think I'm more pissed about?

I'll remind you

that I was invited here!

All right, who's up there?

Oh, hey, Peter. Hey, Lois.

Glenn, what are you doing up there?

Oh, I kind of moved in, if that's okay.

No airline'll hire me after the accident.

I'm broke and jobless.

Quagmire, you belong in a tree.

You're a nut.

(laughing)

What?!

(continues laughing)

Come on down, Quagmire-- you're staying with us.

Oh, great-- this is gonna be worse

than the time I lived with Marlee Matlin.

(flatulating repeatedly) Hi, Stewie.

Oh, come on, Marlee, I know you can't hear them,

but you got to feel those things slapping out of there!

Hey, listen, I really want to thank you guys

for taking me in in my time of need.

Aw, forget it, Quagmire-- it's the least we could do

after what happened. (phone rings)

H-Hello?

Oh, you must have a wrong number.

There's no one here by the name of Longrod Von Hugendong.

Uh-uh-uh-uh...

(mumbling)

Okay, now add 20. Okay.

Now multiply it by four. Okay.

And what do you got? 8,008.

And what does 8,008 look like on a calculator?

Oh, "boob"!

Boob! Yeah!

All right! All right! All right! Boob!

What if we had two calculators

and we put them next to each other?

(gasps)

Yes, yes, yes,

find one, yes!

(snoring softly)

(brief snort)

QUAGMIRE (whispers): Didn't mean to wake ya.

Peter, you and I need to talk about Quagmire.

He's been living with us for over a month,

and I-I think it's enough now.

Lois, I'm the whole reason he lost his job and his house.

Besides, I can't throw my best friend out on the street

like a prom night Dumpster baby.

Hey, what are you doing out here?

Don't you want to dance? Sure!

(big band intro plays)

♪ I'm just a prom night Dumpster baby ♪

♪ I got no mom or dad ♪

♪ Prom night Dumpster baby ♪

♪ My story isn't long, but boy, it's awfully sad ♪

♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba, bum ♪

♪ And though I came from a hole ♪

♪ And though he came from a hole ♪

♪ I'm singing right from the soul ♪

♪ He's singing right from the soul ♪

♪ My fanny needs a blanket ♪

♪ And somebody to spank it ♪

♪ I miss my mom ♪

(deep voice): ♪ But she's at the prom

♪ So I'm a prom night Dumpster baby

♪ Prom night Dumpster baby

♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, bum

♪ And I'm takin' a stroll

♪ He's takin' a stroll

♪ I'm takin' a stroll

♪ He's takin' a stroll

♪ I'm takin' a stroll

♪ He's takin' a stroll

♪ Aha-ha-I'm takin' a stroll

♪ He's takin' a stroll

♪ I'm takin' a stroll.

(song ends)

Besides, Quagmire doesn't even have a job.

Well, you're gonna have to help him find one,

because I've had enough of him living in this house.

Eh, you're overreacting, Lois.

And you can't spell "overreacting" without "ovary."

'Cause you're a girl. I'm not overreacting!

Hey, uh, just an FYI, really no reason

to go into any greater detail than this.

Uh, Stewie should probably never use this pacifier again.

Okay, so I'll talk to him tomorrow?

(canned audience laughter)

(upbeat sitcom music playing)

So how's the job hunt going?

It's awful, Cleveland.

Quagmire blew every gig we got him.

It's too bad. I really liked that job

working on the Starship Enterprise.

Dude, you got to introduce me to that black chick.

Guys, the only thing I know how to do is fly a plane.

That's what I was born for.

And I'll never be happy unless I can do it again.

Then that's the only answer.

Somehow we've got to get Quagmire his job back.

Fellas, I think I have an idea.

Okay, guys, let's go over the plan one more time.

Quagmire will pose as an airline passenger

on the 6:00 flight to New York.

Then Joe and I will sneak into the flight attendants' lounge

while Cleveland distracts the security personnel.

(playing bluegrass tune)

Once we have the uniforms and credentials,

Cleveland, Joe and I will board the plane

posing as flight attendants.

Once we're in the air, we drug the pilots.

At which point, Quagmire is forced

to step in and land the plane safely, making him a hero.

Everybody clear?

Boy, this sounds like more trouble

than a moose on the interstate.

Hey, can you help me out?

I'm trying to get a couple of bucks

for something to eat.

What's "moose stuff"?

Whatever you want it to be.

I could have sex with you

or I could just stand over there

and drink from the lake.

And everything in between.

Get in.

(plane engine humming)

(dramatic music plays)

All right, I'm gonna go bring the pilots their coffee.

Hang on to something, 'cause this ride's about to get rougher

than dating a hot girl with a bad laugh.

I really like you, Sandy.

I really like you, too, Peter.

Yeah? You like it when I kiss you here?

Yeah.

How about here?

(deep cackling)

Oh, stop, I'm tick...

(deep cackling)

Ma'am, I hate to be a nuisance,

but your son stopped kicking the back of my chair.

Hmm...

Thank you.

(screaming)

Oh, no!

Both the pilots are unconscious, and we're in a nosedive.

If only there was someone on board who could save us.

I said if only there was someone on board who could save us.

Uh, Peter, I don't see Quagmire.

Oh, that was great. Thanks.

I know you have a choice in airport sex,

and I appreciate your choosing Quagmire.

Please exercise caution when standing up,

as the contents of your panties

may have shifted during coitus.

All right, I got a plane to catch.

Say, which gate is flight 209?

209? That flight left half an hour ago.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

That plane's going down!

My friends are on that plane!

They're all gonna die!

What?! Oh, no!

And that's not the worst part.

Here's the condom I said I put on.

(gasps) (chuckling)

Aren't I just the worst?

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

And I'm Diane Simmons.

More trouble in the skies over Quahog tonight,

as a Trans National jet is apparently out of control.

Channel 5 has this exclusive recording

of a Mayday communication from the cockpit.

Hey, there, son.

Mind if I have a seat?

Hugh Hefner?!

You look like you got something on your mind.

Ah, who the hell am I kidding?

I don't deserve to be a pilot.

I've let everybody down.

Did you do the best you could?

No. I was gonna,

but I ended up getting laid instead.

That reminds me of a guy you might've heard of.

(poignant music plays) John Holmes.

Greatest porn star who ever lived.

You know what he once said?

He said, "You know, I've got a 13-inch member...

and Glenn Quagmire is the best damn pilot I've ever seen."

John Holmes said that?

You bet he did...

right before he died a very painful, AIDS-related death

from having unprotected sex with so many people.

(stirring march playing)

Excuse me, Hef.

I got a plane to land.

(Notre Dame Fight Song plays)

(engines whooshing)

We're all gonna die!

I can't believe this is happening!

PETER: Help us!

(screaming) Help!

Men, we're doing everything in our power

to get you down.

Stand aside, sir.

I'll take it from here.

Peter, this is Quagmire.

Now I want you to listen very carefully

and do exactly as I tell you.

Take a firm hold of the throttle,

and pull the red mixture knob out slowly.

Okay. All right, now do you see a button

that looks like a drunken gay guy

eyeing you from across the bar?

Um...

uh...

yeah, I see it.

All right, press the button right above it.

Some new developments in the flight 209 drama.

Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire

is apparently talking the plane down.

Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie?

I'm at the wrong airport.

Oops. Well, thanks, Ollie.

Coming up: Why calling every Asian man you meet

"Chung King" can land an anchorman in hot water.

After this.

QUAGMIRE: All right, Peter, slide the red knob all the way out.

And the second those wheels touch the ground,

you hit the emergency brake.

(tires screech)

(cheering, yelling)

We made it! Hallelujah!

Get some!

Well, guess there's nothing left to do

but watch the end of Last Holiday.

Whoa...!

Damn!

Oh...! Oh...! Oh...!

Oh, no, she di-in't.

Oh, yes, she did.

No, she di-in't.

Yes, she did.

No, she di-in't.

Yes, she did, Peter!

I just saw it!

All right, take it easy.

Ah, Glenn, we are so thrilled for you.

Yeah, guess it didn't take too much

for you to get your job back, now that you're a hero.

Yeah, and I'm so happy for you,

I don't even mind that I was raped in a federal prison

after I was arrested for hijacking.

Well, I couldn't have done it without you guys.

You put yourselves on the line and you gave me my life back.

I'll never forget that.

Now if you'll excuse me, I got to go to work.

( Little House on the Prairie closing theme music plays)