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1
00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:04,838
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:08,008
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:11,845
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:14,264
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:18,060
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:21,396
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:22,940
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,108
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:29,988
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:35,452
Peter, are you sure
you're allowed
11
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:37,162
to bring a baby
onto the golf course?
12
00:00:37,246 --> 00:00:39,331
Well, Lois asked me to watch
Stewie for the afternoon.
13
00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:41,333
It's all right, I don't
think the club will mind.
14
00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:42,626
It's Cleveland
I'm worried about.
15
00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:44,962
Peter, is this
really necessary?
16
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:47,047
I can't hardly
see anything.
17
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:48,882
Hey, look,
it's President Nixon.
18
00:00:48,966 --> 00:00:50,592
No, wait,
it's a black guy.
19
00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:52,052
No, it's Nixon.
20
00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:53,804
Oh, boy, that was close.
21
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:55,055
Oh, will you
please hurry up?
22
00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:56,723
It's 100 degrees
out here.
23
00:00:56,807 --> 00:00:59,309
Oh, you're a worse parent
than Britney Spears.
24
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,144
I know, I know.
25
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,481
Oh, the gift basket was
not worth the trip--
26
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:05,649
not by a long shot.
27
00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:06,733
(doorbell ringing)
28
00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:09,403
Oh, I got to get that.
I'll talk to you later.
29
00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:10,988
(sizzling)
30
00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:13,949
Hey, uh, Joe...
31
00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:15,158
Don't say it, Peter.
32
00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:16,451
I was just wondering...
33
00:01:16,535 --> 00:01:18,328
Peter, I swear to God...
34
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:19,413
What's your handicap?
35
00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:21,456
(screaming)
36
00:01:21,540 --> 00:01:25,544
Every hole-- that's a joke
that just doesn't get old!
37
00:01:27,462 --> 00:01:28,714
(bleep) damn it!
38
00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:31,175
Come on! Come on! (bleep)!
39
00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:32,301
Come on, Glen!
40
00:01:32,384 --> 00:01:34,303
Come on, get your head in
the (bleep) game!
41
00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:35,679
(yelling)
42
00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:38,724
Hey, do you think it's time
to talk to Quagmire
43
00:01:38,807 --> 00:01:41,101
about his anger issues
with this game?
44
00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:44,104
A white man shouldn't play
sports in the first place.
45
00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:47,441
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
that's a stroke!
46
00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:49,651
I just tapped my ball,
Quagmire. Relax.
47
00:01:49,735 --> 00:01:50,736
Oh, relax?
Oh, okay.
48
00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:52,321
Oh, oh, look, I just
tapped my ball.
49
00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:53,405
Oh, just tapped it again.
50
00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:54,615
Oh, oh, tap, tap, tap.
51
00:01:54,698 --> 00:01:56,408
Oh, where is it?
Oh! It's in the hole.
52
00:01:56,491 --> 00:01:58,118
Eagle. Yay, Quagmire.
53
00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:02,122
Hey, Quagmire, you know
it's not fun when you're like this.
54
00:02:02,206 --> 00:02:04,583
You want fun? Go home
and buy a monkey.
55
00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:06,793
What does that even mean?
I don't know.
56
00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:08,462
Boy, we've got
a beautiful day for this.
57
00:02:11,924 --> 00:02:13,425
Hi, Mr. Herbert.
58
00:02:13,509 --> 00:02:14,760
Here's your paper.
59
00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:17,554
Oh, sorry, Chris,
but I'm afraid
60
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,681
I'm going to have
to cancel my subscription.
61
00:02:19,765 --> 00:02:22,184
Cancel? But you
love this paper.
62
00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:24,811
Listen, I think you're
a real nice guy,
63
00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:27,940
but I've just decided to go
with another paper.
64
00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:29,274
Hello, there, Kyle.
65
00:02:29,358 --> 00:02:31,151
You look nice today.
66
00:02:31,235 --> 00:02:33,237
I see you're wearing
your big shorts
67
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:36,073
with the baggy leg holes
that flutter so carelessly
68
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,449
in the breeze.
69
00:02:37,533 --> 00:02:38,867
Here's your paper.
70
00:02:38,951 --> 00:02:39,952
What are you
doing here?
71
00:02:40,035 --> 00:02:41,078
Beat it, nerd.
72
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,287
Thank you.
73
00:02:42,371 --> 00:02:44,331
Would you like to come inside
for a cupcake
74
00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:45,707
and a glass of wine?
75
00:02:45,791 --> 00:02:47,167
Shut up, old man.
76
00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:49,002
Mm.
77
00:02:49,086 --> 00:02:51,296
What's going on
in my pants?
78
00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:54,216
Looks like we got
six more weeks of winter.
79
00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:01,974
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Cutting in
Line in Front of Italians.
80
00:03:02,057 --> 00:03:03,141
Ayy!
Oh!
81
00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:04,226
Ayy!
Oh!
82
00:03:04,309 --> 00:03:06,812
ALL: Ayy, whoa, whoa, whoa.
83
00:03:06,895 --> 00:03:08,856
Hey, Copernicus, why don't
you navigate yourself
84
00:03:08,939 --> 00:03:11,108
to the back of the line
with your feet
85
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:12,401
and stand there
with your shirt?
86
00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:14,361
Hey, Peter, how
was your golf game?
87
00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:16,697
Well, Lois, you tied
my golf shoes a little tight
88
00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:18,073
before I left the house.
89
00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:19,992
Had to deal with that all day.
Thank you very much.
90
00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:21,660
Oh, my God, look
at Stewie!
91
00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:23,579
Peter, you took him out
without any sunscreen?
92
00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:24,872
Maybe.
93
00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:27,499
You know the sun is
dangerous for a baby's skin.
94
00:03:27,583 --> 00:03:28,876
Peter, this is more
irresponsible
95
00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:31,378
than when you fed your mogwai
after midnight.
96
00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:33,547
Peter, didn't the little
Chinese man tell you
97
00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:35,340
not to feed him
after midnight?
98
00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:37,176
Aw, come on, Lois,
he's so cute.
99
00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:38,260
And he's hungry.
100
00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:40,721
What could happen?
101
00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:42,514
(squealing)
102
00:03:42,598 --> 00:03:44,808
Hello, I'm Fran Drescher.
103
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:46,393
(annoying laugh)
104
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:47,644
(screaming)
(screaming)
105
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:48,896
Kill it! Kill it!
106
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:51,315
(splat)
107
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:53,233
What the deuce are you
all staring at?
108
00:03:53,317 --> 00:03:54,902
Is there something
wrong with me?
109
00:03:57,029 --> 00:03:58,030
(gasps)
110
00:03:58,113 --> 00:03:59,781
Wow, look at me.
111
00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:00,866
I'm a young Eartha Kitt.
112
00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:02,409
(purring)
113
00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:06,288
"President Johnson, bring our
boys home from Southeast Asia.
114
00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:08,123
It's an unwinnable war..."
115
00:04:08,207 --> 00:04:09,291
(purring)
116
00:04:11,627 --> 00:04:15,422
Dad, I was wondering
if I could borrow $17.
117
00:04:15,506 --> 00:04:16,798
Chris, what do you
need money for?
118
00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:18,467
Isn't that why you have
a paper route?
119
00:04:18,550 --> 00:04:22,679
No, this new kid named Kyle
keeps stealing all my customers.
120
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,431
Oh, that's terrible.
121
00:04:24,515 --> 00:04:26,266
You're a wonderful
paperboy, Chris,
122
00:04:26,350 --> 00:04:28,393
and you need to remind
your customers of that.
123
00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:30,646
She's right, you got
to stand up for yourself.
124
00:04:30,729 --> 00:04:32,272
Like my great-grandfather--
125
00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:34,816
Turn-Of-The-Century-Take-On-All-
Comers Griffin.
126
00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:36,527
All right, put 'em up,
put 'em up.
127
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:37,778
Are you having
a bully day?
128
00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:38,862
I'm having a bully day.
129
00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,239
Is everyone having
a bully day?
130
00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:41,323
Bully.
Bully.
131
00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:42,407
Yes, Bully.
132
00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:45,118
Oh, thank God we live
in this time.
133
00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:49,122
(lounge music playing softly)
134
00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:50,666
Stewie, what
are you doing?
135
00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:52,793
Just getting my
bronze on, baby.
136
00:04:52,876 --> 00:04:55,921
Hey, what do you think
of my recumbent tan pose?
137
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:57,840
Oh, legs probably spread
a little wider than
138
00:04:57,923 --> 00:04:59,967
they ought to be,
but who gives a damn?
139
00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:02,553
This is just tan Stewie
being tan Stewie.
140
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,012
Check me out, Brian.
141
00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:12,938
(doorbell rings)
142
00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:15,899
Hey, Mr. Herbert,
I want you back.
143
00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:18,151
Please, will you be my
paper customer again?
144
00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:20,487
Oh, uh, hey, Chris.
145
00:05:20,571 --> 00:05:22,155
Oh, is that my phone?
146
00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:26,326
(imitating cell
phone ring tone)
147
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,120
Well, better go get that.
148
00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:29,746
Well, if it isn't
King Lardass.
149
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,415
Don't call me names, Kyle.
150
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,542
Hi, Kyle.
151
00:05:33,625 --> 00:05:36,086
(humming tune)
152
00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:38,046
Well, listen, it was
wrong of you
153
00:05:38,130 --> 00:05:39,840
to steal my customer
away from me.
154
00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,175
And I want him back.
155
00:05:41,258 --> 00:05:43,135
Oh, yeah?
156
00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:44,511
(laughing)
157
00:05:44,595 --> 00:05:46,305
Look, Griffin
got his ass kicked.
158
00:05:46,388 --> 00:05:47,764
What a loser.
159
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,559
I have that
shirt at home.
160
00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:52,853
You... you pushed me.
161
00:05:52,936 --> 00:05:55,314
Boys, boys, we can
settle this
162
00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:58,108
like reasonable
and sexy teenagers.
163
00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:02,321
Whoever can swallow the most
Tylenol PM wins.
164
00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:11,163
Oh, my God, Chris,
what happened?!
165
00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:13,040
Kyle beat me up.
166
00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:14,958
You let that little punk
beat you up?
167
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,210
Peter, you should be
more sympathetic.
168
00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:17,961
Remember, you had
a bully, too,
169
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:19,171
when you were his age.
170
00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:20,506
Yeah, you're right.
171
00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:24,301
Randy Fulcher used to pants me
every chance he got.
172
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:27,304
My book report is on
The Giving Tree.
173
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,388
Nerd!
174
00:06:28,472 --> 00:06:30,265
(laughing)
175
00:06:30,349 --> 00:06:31,642
Randy!
176
00:06:33,227 --> 00:06:34,228
Nerd!
177
00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:35,521
(laughing)
178
00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:37,231
Randy!
179
00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:41,360
Nerd!
180
00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:42,528
Randy!
181
00:06:42,611 --> 00:06:44,404
Peter, I think one
of us should go over
182
00:06:44,488 --> 00:06:46,198
and have a talk
with Kyle's parents.
183
00:06:46,281 --> 00:06:47,491
I'll do it, Lois.
184
00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:50,118
Right after a healthy breakfast
of juice, toast
185
00:06:50,202 --> 00:06:52,454
and store brand imitation
frosted flakes
186
00:06:52,538 --> 00:06:54,289
featuring Terry the Tiger.
187
00:06:54,373 --> 00:06:56,166
They'rrrre... food.
188
00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:01,755
Hey, ladies, you mind
if I park here?
189
00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:03,215
I'll only be a few minutes.
190
00:07:03,298 --> 00:07:04,883
Stewie, what is that
on your lip?
191
00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:06,343
I drew a pencil mustache.
192
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:08,178
I like it 'cause it's just
above my lip.
193
00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:09,471
The kind of mustache that says,
194
00:07:09,555 --> 00:07:11,390
"Yeah, I've been nude
on camera. What of it?"
195
00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:13,517
Come here, I'll take
care of that, sweetie.
196
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,144
Ew, ew, it's got
spit all over it.
197
00:07:16,228 --> 00:07:19,439
Now I know what it feels
like to have dinner with Martin Landau.
198
00:07:19,523 --> 00:07:22,150
What people forget
about Polanski
199
00:07:22,234 --> 00:07:24,820
is Polanski wasn't
a perfectionist.
200
00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:29,199
And pedophile or not, he,
he was a perfectly professional person.
201
00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:30,450
And punctual.
202
00:07:30,534 --> 00:07:33,287
Yeah, maybe we could talk
about something else?
203
00:07:33,370 --> 00:07:37,541
You know my wife and I
are very involved in Planned Parenthood.
204
00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:41,962
Which provides possibilities
for people who are underprivileged.
205
00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:44,339
Maybe chew your food
a little, champ.
206
00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:51,388
(lounge music playing)
207
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,056
Who are all these people?
208
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:55,684
Oh, just a few friends over
to enjoy this gorgeous weather,
209
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,269
and maybe take a dip
in the pool.
210
00:07:57,352 --> 00:07:58,854
Hey, Devon,
Devon, come here.
211
00:07:58,937 --> 00:07:59,938
Brian, this is Devon.
212
00:08:00,022 --> 00:08:02,065
Devon just finished
directing a movie.
213
00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:03,942
Yeah, it, uh, stars
a little actress
214
00:08:04,026 --> 00:08:05,569
named Joan Van Ark.
215
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:06,653
Maybe you've heard of her.
216
00:08:06,737 --> 00:08:07,779
(laughing)
217
00:08:07,863 --> 00:08:08,906
Right. Possibly.
218
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,115
You're talking
out of your ass.
219
00:08:10,199 --> 00:08:11,992
It doesn't matter,
Brian, I'm tan.
220
00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:13,869
Hey, Brian, Brian, Brian,
221
00:08:13,952 --> 00:08:15,412
look at my tan walk.
222
00:08:16,455 --> 00:08:17,873
(sighs)
223
00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:18,999
Devon, do you
have a cigarette?
224
00:08:19,082 --> 00:08:21,001
Sure. And here's a copy
of my last movie.
225
00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:22,377
It's essentially
Brokeback Mountain
226
00:08:22,461 --> 00:08:24,254
from the point of view
of the horses.
227
00:08:25,464 --> 00:08:26,924
Hey, the sun's been up
for an hour.
228
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,008
Shouldn't we
get riding?
229
00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:29,134
Uh, are they
still sleeping?
230
00:08:29,218 --> 00:08:31,053
I don't know. I'll check.
231
00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:32,596
(screaming)
232
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:33,931
What, what, what is it?!
233
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,682
Oh, God! Oh, my God!
What?
234
00:08:35,766 --> 00:08:36,767
Oh, my God!
235
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:37,935
Run!
236
00:08:39,394 --> 00:08:40,521
(doorbell rings)
237
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:43,398
Hey, there. Are you,
uh, Kyle's parents?
238
00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:44,566
Yes. Can we help you?
239
00:08:44,650 --> 00:08:45,776
Yeah, I'm Peter Griffin.
240
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:48,111
Uh, listen, apparently your son
got into a little scrape
241
00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:49,363
with my kid.
242
00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:51,615
Oh, dear, they're
not getting along?
243
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,325
Like an old guy
and a midget.
244
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,371
Sir, will you please
stop staring at me?
245
00:08:57,454 --> 00:08:58,872
Where's the rest of ya?
246
00:08:58,956 --> 00:09:01,458
So, listen, Chris
is pretty upset about what happened.
247
00:09:01,542 --> 00:09:03,001
Would you mind if I had
a word with your son?
248
00:09:03,085 --> 00:09:05,420
Not at all.
He's up in his room.
249
00:09:05,504 --> 00:09:06,588
Hey, there.
250
00:09:06,672 --> 00:09:08,924
Kyle? Hey, I'm
Chris Griffin's father.
251
00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:10,676
(mocking tone): Hey, I'm Chris
Griffin's father.
252
00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:12,219
That's not very nice.
253
00:09:12,302 --> 00:09:13,887
I don't sound
like that at all.
254
00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:15,722
You're making me sound
like Michael Stipe.
255
00:09:15,806 --> 00:09:17,182
Listen, I just want
you to know
256
00:09:17,266 --> 00:09:19,017
what you did the other day
was wrong.
257
00:09:19,101 --> 00:09:20,727
What you did
the other day was wrong.
258
00:09:20,811 --> 00:09:22,145
You're not making
this easy, Kyle.
259
00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:23,730
You're not making
this easy, Kyle.
260
00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:24,857
My name's Peter Griffin.
261
00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:26,692
I'm a big, fat, dumb
butt-face.
262
00:09:26,775 --> 00:09:27,985
Shut up, Kyle.
263
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,194
I'm Peter Griffin.
264
00:09:29,278 --> 00:09:30,988
I'm a dorky, fat,
numb-nuts.
265
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,072
Kyle, I said shut up.
266
00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:34,533
You're a poop-nose.
267
00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:36,076
Ow! Ow! Oh, God! Ow!
268
00:09:39,204 --> 00:09:40,956
(grunting and groaning)
269
00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:45,252
(groans)
270
00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:48,463
(groaning fades)
271
00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:55,721
Hey, Peter.
272
00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:57,723
Hey, what's going on?
Is something wrong?
273
00:09:57,806 --> 00:10:01,476
No, no, no, no, no, no, everything's...
everything's cool right now.
274
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:02,853
Might be some
problems later,
275
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:05,564
but, uh, we'll cross that
bridge when we come to it.
276
00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:06,857
(phone ringing)
277
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,567
LOIS:
Hello.
278
00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:10,402
Peter did what?!
279
00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:12,029
Well, I'd best
be getting to work.
280
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,113
It's nighttime.
281
00:10:13,197 --> 00:10:14,198
Boy, you said it.
282
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,657
All right,
take it easy.
283
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,245
Peter, you get down
from that tree this instant!
284
00:10:20,329 --> 00:10:22,164
No! You're gonna
yell at me!
285
00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,041
You're damn right
I'm gonna yell at you.
286
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,001
You beat up
a 13-year-old boy!
287
00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:27,711
He called me names!
288
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:30,756
You're 43, and you
just assaulted our neighbor's child!
289
00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:33,008
This is a very
serious situation!
290
00:10:33,091 --> 00:10:35,302
Well, maybe you should
have just had an abortion, Lois!
291
00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:37,763
Would that make
you happy if I was never born?!
292
00:10:37,846 --> 00:10:38,847
What?
293
00:10:38,931 --> 00:10:39,973
I'm going to prison,
aren't I?
294
00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:45,687
What are you doing?
295
00:10:45,771 --> 00:10:47,022
Got to keep the tan up.
296
00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:49,650
It's not a skin color,
it's a lifestyle, Brian.
297
00:10:49,733 --> 00:10:52,236
See, you wouldn't know that
because you're white as a ghost.
298
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:55,405
You're haunting this house
with your whiteness, Brian.
299
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:57,199
Hey, wake me up in 15,
will ya, babe?
300
00:10:57,282 --> 00:10:58,283
Fine.
301
00:11:00,786 --> 00:11:03,413
(singing along):
♪ Key Largo, Montego
302
00:11:03,497 --> 00:11:07,209
♪ Baby, why don't we go down
to Kokomo?
303
00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:11,547
♪ But not too fast
'cause Stewie takes it slow...
304
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:16,844
(snoring)
305
00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:19,012
Oh, crap! Stewie!
306
00:11:19,096 --> 00:11:20,848
(sizzling)
307
00:11:20,931 --> 00:11:22,307
(air hisses)
308
00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:25,602
(groans)
309
00:11:25,686 --> 00:11:29,731
(groaning)
310
00:11:29,815 --> 00:11:31,900
(screams)
311
00:11:31,984 --> 00:11:33,443
Uh, hey, buddy.
312
00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:35,737
I was just coming
to tell ya it's time to get out.
313
00:11:35,821 --> 00:11:37,823
I've been in there
for six and a half hours,
314
00:11:37,906 --> 00:11:39,491
you son of a bitch!
Don't touch me!
315
00:11:39,575 --> 00:11:40,576
Well, how, how...?
316
00:11:40,659 --> 00:11:41,660
Can, can you get up?
317
00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:42,744
I'll try.
318
00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:44,037
(grunting)
319
00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:47,666
(grunting)
320
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,129
(groaning)
321
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,047
I can't do it!
I can't do it!
322
00:11:54,131 --> 00:11:55,132
Get the lotion!
323
00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:56,425
Put the lotion on me!
324
00:11:58,010 --> 00:11:59,178
Brian!
325
00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:01,555
Oh, uh, hi, Mr. Furley.
326
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:04,266
Never mind!
I'll come back later!
327
00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:07,561
Now be polite, Peter.
328
00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:09,438
Kyle's mother agreed
not to press charges
329
00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:10,647
if you apologize.
330
00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:11,732
Hello, Lois.
331
00:12:11,815 --> 00:12:12,900
Hello, Claire.
332
00:12:12,983 --> 00:12:14,902
We just came by
because there's something
333
00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:16,904
Peter would like
to say to Kyle.
334
00:12:16,987 --> 00:12:17,988
Go on.
335
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,072
(mumbles):
Slorry.
336
00:12:19,156 --> 00:12:20,199
Say it right, Peter.
337
00:12:20,282 --> 00:12:21,283
Ow! Ow! Sorry!
338
00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:22,868
Thank you, Peter.
339
00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:24,203
Now what do you say, Kyle?
340
00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:25,329
Apology accepted.
341
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:26,997
Good. Now why don't you
patch things up
342
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,750
with Mr. Griffin
by showing him your Legos, hmm?
343
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,502
You got Legos?
Aw, sweet!
344
00:12:31,585 --> 00:12:33,962
Lois only buys me
Mega Bloks.
345
00:12:34,046 --> 00:12:35,339
They're the same thing,
Peter.
346
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:37,299
You know what, Lois?
They are not the same thing.
347
00:12:37,382 --> 00:12:39,468
And the sooner
you get that through your thick skull,
348
00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:41,887
the sooner we can get
this marriage back on track.
349
00:12:41,970 --> 00:12:44,473
Hey, listen, uh,
sorry about beating you up.
350
00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:46,016
I felt pretty bad
about it.
351
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,518
Hey, this look
like a spaceship to you?
352
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:48,894
Sorta.
353
00:12:48,977 --> 00:12:51,355
Huh. Well, I never was
very good at building things.
354
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:54,358
Like that time I built
that handmade electric razor.
355
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:57,402
By gluing many razor blades
to this ordinary desk fan,
356
00:12:57,486 --> 00:12:59,821
I'll save time
in my morning routine.
357
00:13:01,073 --> 00:13:02,074
(whirring)
358
00:13:02,157 --> 00:13:03,325
(screams)
359
00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:06,286
Lois, I done it again.
360
00:13:10,749 --> 00:13:12,167
You don't have to apologize.
361
00:13:12,251 --> 00:13:13,961
I would have done
the same thing.
362
00:13:14,044 --> 00:13:16,338
I mean, bullying makes you
feel pretty cool.
363
00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:18,715
Yeah, guess it was kinda cool.
364
00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:20,676
You know, I always used
to be the nerd
365
00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:22,052
getting bullied,
but doing it to someone else
366
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,220
was pretty sweet.
367
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:24,680
And the more
you do it,
368
00:13:24,763 --> 00:13:26,348
the sweeter it gets.
369
00:13:29,685 --> 00:13:32,062
(oil sizzling)
370
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:33,146
(shrieks)
371
00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:34,731
Cook much?
(laughs)
372
00:13:34,815 --> 00:13:35,816
Peter, what the hell
is wrong with you?!
373
00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:36,900
What's wrong with me?
374
00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:37,985
You're the one
punching yourself
375
00:13:38,068 --> 00:13:39,069
in the face.
(laughing)
376
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,153
Peter, stop it.
377
00:13:40,237 --> 00:13:41,238
Hey, Lois,
how come you keep
378
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:42,322
punching yourself in the face?
Cut it out!
379
00:13:42,406 --> 00:13:44,241
Peter, knock it off!
You're gonna hurt yourself.
380
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,034
Ha! You're getting her good!
381
00:13:46,118 --> 00:13:47,953
Hey, Stewie,
nice sunburn.
382
00:13:48,036 --> 00:13:49,872
God, you horse's ass!
383
00:13:53,542 --> 00:13:56,336
(ripping sounds)
384
00:13:56,879 --> 00:13:57,921
Ew!
385
00:13:58,005 --> 00:13:59,381
Hey, Brian, you want
some Stewie jerky?
386
00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:01,008
Oh, God,
that is disgusting.
387
00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:02,509
I'm finally
starting to peel.
388
00:14:02,593 --> 00:14:05,429
I'm telling you,
Brian, my tanning days are over.
389
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:06,847
I'm just glad I stopped
390
00:14:06,930 --> 00:14:08,640
before I did any real damage
to my skin.
391
00:14:08,724 --> 00:14:09,850
I wouldn't be so sure.
392
00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:12,060
I don't remember you having
that mole before.
393
00:14:12,144 --> 00:14:13,812
What the devil?
Where did that come from?
394
00:14:13,896 --> 00:14:14,897
Brian, what is that?
395
00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:15,981
I don't know.
396
00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:17,482
Of course, your sunburn
was pretty bad.
397
00:14:17,566 --> 00:14:20,235
I suppose
it could be the "C" word.
398
00:14:20,319 --> 00:14:22,446
What the hell does that have to
do with anything?
399
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:23,572
No, cancer.
400
00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:26,200
Oh, oh, oh, I-I
thought you meant...
401
00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:27,284
It's not important.
402
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,369
Oh, no! Cancer!
403
00:14:34,249 --> 00:14:36,835
Well, the mole looks benign,
but we won't know for sure
404
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:39,421
whether it's cancerous
until the tests come back in a few days.
405
00:14:39,505 --> 00:14:41,632
A few days?!
I could be dead by then!
406
00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:43,842
Relax, Stewie.
He said it looks benign.
407
00:14:43,926 --> 00:14:45,260
We'll just have
to wait and see.
408
00:14:45,344 --> 00:14:47,262
Jim Henson had
a wait-and-see attitude
409
00:14:47,346 --> 00:14:48,805
and look what
happened to him.
410
00:14:48,889 --> 00:14:50,807
Now we've got
wrong-sounding Muppets!
411
00:14:50,891 --> 00:14:52,518
(gruff voice):
Hey, Swedish chef.
412
00:14:52,601 --> 00:14:53,894
(lisping): Oh, hey, Kermit,
what's going on?
413
00:14:53,977 --> 00:14:54,978
I'm hungry.
414
00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:56,063
Oh, that's no problem.
415
00:14:56,146 --> 00:14:57,147
I could cook
you something.
416
00:14:57,231 --> 00:14:58,232
You want some spaghetti?
417
00:14:58,315 --> 00:15:00,400
That's, like,
my specialty and junk.
418
00:15:00,484 --> 00:15:03,362
Yay...
419
00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:08,909
Ow!
420
00:15:08,992 --> 00:15:10,619
Dad, what's wrong
with you?!
421
00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:12,704
Why are you acting
like such a bully?
422
00:15:12,788 --> 00:15:15,123
'Cause there are two kinds of people
in this world, Chris.
423
00:15:15,207 --> 00:15:17,000
There are bullies
and there are nerds.
424
00:15:17,084 --> 00:15:19,127
And there are
hot Asian chicks.
425
00:15:19,211 --> 00:15:20,629
They'll do
what you want.
426
00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:22,214
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
427
00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:23,340
You better believe
it, buddy.
428
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:24,883
They will do
what you want
429
00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:27,261
because they know,
they know what you want.
430
00:15:27,344 --> 00:15:28,720
"Oh, oh, oh,
don't be afraid.
431
00:15:28,804 --> 00:15:30,222
"Don't be afraid.
I won't hurt you.
432
00:15:30,305 --> 00:15:31,306
"I won't hurt you.
433
00:15:31,390 --> 00:15:33,684
Me big American man."
434
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,978
My point being
that I'm a bully, not a nerd.
435
00:15:36,061 --> 00:15:37,521
Now, where was I?
Oh, yeah.
436
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:39,898
(flatulating continuously)
(screams) Dad, get away from me!
437
00:15:39,982 --> 00:15:41,400
Dad, come on!
Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you!
438
00:15:41,483 --> 00:15:43,068
-Peter's farts are coming to get you!
-Dad, stop it!
439
00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:44,361
-Dad, come on!
-Here come Peter's farts!
440
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:45,696
They're coming to get you!
441
00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:48,031
Oh, in the
kitchen, Meg?
442
00:15:51,535 --> 00:15:53,287
Brian, I may only have
one week to live
443
00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:55,080
and I've got to make
the most of it.
444
00:15:55,163 --> 00:15:56,540
Now, I've made
a list of things
445
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:57,833
I want to do
before I die
446
00:15:57,916 --> 00:15:59,209
and you've got
to help me
447
00:15:59,293 --> 00:16:00,919
since this is
all your fault.
448
00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:02,838
"Visit Chicago Museum
of Art."
449
00:16:02,921 --> 00:16:04,131
Okay, we can do that.
450
00:16:04,381 --> 00:16:07,759
(pop instrumental plays)
451
00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:16,101
♪
452
00:16:34,203 --> 00:16:36,121
♪
453
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:40,167
Next on your list,
454
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:42,461
you want to learn
to ballroom dance.
455
00:16:42,544 --> 00:16:44,922
(elegant music plays)
456
00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:47,216
All right, if you're
gonna make me do this,
457
00:16:47,299 --> 00:16:48,383
at least let me lead.
458
00:16:48,467 --> 00:16:49,468
Fine, you lead.
459
00:16:49,551 --> 00:16:50,552
All right, then.
460
00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:01,980
♪
461
00:17:04,942 --> 00:17:06,068
I love you.
462
00:17:06,151 --> 00:17:07,402
What? What'd you say?
463
00:17:07,486 --> 00:17:08,570
Uh, olive juice.
464
00:17:08,654 --> 00:17:09,696
Olive juice?
465
00:17:09,780 --> 00:17:12,658
(whispers):
Olive juice you, too.
466
00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:14,868
PETER: Hey, you nerds wanna
see a puppet show?
467
00:17:14,952 --> 00:17:16,286
Peter, put me down!
468
00:17:16,370 --> 00:17:18,288
I told you, not
until you sing.
469
00:17:18,372 --> 00:17:20,832
♪ High on a hill was
a lonely goat herd...
470
00:17:20,916 --> 00:17:23,293
♪ Lay-hee-oh-da-lay-hee-oh-
da-lay-hee-hoo!
471
00:17:23,377 --> 00:17:26,296
Dad, what are you
doing to Mr. Swanson?
472
00:17:26,380 --> 00:17:28,173
Peter, put him down
right now!
473
00:17:28,257 --> 00:17:29,258
Beat it, Lois.
474
00:17:29,341 --> 00:17:30,425
Peter, stop it!
475
00:17:30,509 --> 00:17:31,802
Joe is your friend.
476
00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:33,470
Shut up, ya nerd!
477
00:17:33,554 --> 00:17:34,721
Hey!
478
00:17:34,805 --> 00:17:36,139
Peter, look
at yourself.
479
00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:37,599
You are no different
than that bully
480
00:17:37,683 --> 00:17:38,892
who used to pick
on you.
481
00:17:38,976 --> 00:17:39,977
Are you kidding?
482
00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:41,395
I'm nothing like
Randy Fulcher.
483
00:17:41,478 --> 00:17:42,521
Oh, no?
484
00:17:42,604 --> 00:17:44,106
Does that look
familiar?
485
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,527
Oh, my God,
you're right, Lois.
486
00:17:48,610 --> 00:17:51,071
I shouldn't be bullying
the people I care about.
487
00:17:51,154 --> 00:17:53,824
I should be bullying
Randy Fulcher!
488
00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:55,492
He's the jerk
in all this.
489
00:17:55,576 --> 00:17:58,161
Like Dick Cheney
when he was a Wal-Mart greeter.
490
00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:01,248
Go (bleep) yourself.
Go (bleep) yourself.
491
00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:03,292
Go (bleep) yourself.
492
00:18:06,170 --> 00:18:07,296
Well, that's it
for the list.
493
00:18:07,379 --> 00:18:08,714
Not quite, Brian.
494
00:18:08,797 --> 00:18:12,176
There's one more thing
I need you to do before I die.
495
00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:14,011
Write down my
final thoughts.
496
00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:15,095
Oh, come on!
497
00:18:15,179 --> 00:18:17,472
(raspy voice):
I don't have much time!
498
00:18:17,556 --> 00:18:19,099
(sighs)
499
00:18:19,183 --> 00:18:22,728
Oh, squiggly line
in my eye fluid,
500
00:18:22,811 --> 00:18:24,646
I see you there
501
00:18:24,730 --> 00:18:27,691
lurking on the
periphery of my vision,
502
00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:30,444
but when I try
to look at you,
503
00:18:30,527 --> 00:18:32,154
you scurry away.
504
00:18:32,237 --> 00:18:35,240
Are you shy,
squiggly line?
505
00:18:35,324 --> 00:18:37,576
Why only when
I ignore you
506
00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:41,371
do you return to the
center of my eye?
507
00:18:41,455 --> 00:18:45,083
Oh, squiggly line,
it's all right.
508
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,627
You are forgiven.
509
00:18:46,710 --> 00:18:47,920
(phone rings)
510
00:18:48,003 --> 00:18:50,547
Hello. Oh, hi,
Dr. Hartman.
511
00:18:50,631 --> 00:18:53,175
All right, I'll tell him.
Thanks. Bye.
512
00:18:53,258 --> 00:18:55,594
You don't have cancer.
You're gonna be fine.
513
00:18:55,677 --> 00:18:58,680
Really?! Oh, thank God!
Oh, thank God!
514
00:18:58,764 --> 00:18:59,973
Wait, wait.
515
00:19:00,057 --> 00:19:01,350
Look, there's no reason
516
00:19:01,433 --> 00:19:03,143
we can't finish
the memoir anyway.
517
00:19:03,227 --> 00:19:04,978
Let's see what
you've got so far.
518
00:19:07,064 --> 00:19:10,651
Oh, you are just the
worst type of person.
519
00:19:12,110 --> 00:19:14,071
Dad, what are
we doing here?
520
00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:18,617
Chris, I'm gonna show you
how to stand up to a bully.
521
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,661
Hey, Fulcher!
522
00:19:20,744 --> 00:19:21,954
Griffin?
523
00:19:22,037 --> 00:19:23,080
The feeling's mutual.
524
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:24,456
What are you doing here?
525
00:19:24,540 --> 00:19:26,667
I'm here to kick
your ass, Fulcher.
526
00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:27,751
I'm gonna beat ya,
527
00:19:27,876 --> 00:19:29,545
and then my son Chris
is gonna beat ya.
528
00:19:29,628 --> 00:19:32,130
It's gonna be an old-fashioned
father-son beat-off.
529
00:19:32,214 --> 00:19:33,215
Wait a minute, Dad.
530
00:19:33,298 --> 00:19:34,424
You can't hit him!
531
00:19:34,508 --> 00:19:35,884
Yeah, I have MS.
532
00:19:36,051 --> 00:19:37,553
Oh, you hear that, Chris?
533
00:19:37,636 --> 00:19:39,054
This guy's got
a monkey scrotum
534
00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:40,180
and he's bragging about it.
535
00:19:40,264 --> 00:19:42,266
Now you really got me mad.
536
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:43,350
No, Dad!
537
00:19:52,317 --> 00:19:55,696
Ow! Ow!
Oh, God! Ah!
538
00:19:55,779 --> 00:19:57,447
(both sobbing)
539
00:19:58,323 --> 00:20:00,784
Sorry I had
to do that, Dad.
540
00:20:00,868 --> 00:20:02,202
But you wanted
me to learn
541
00:20:02,286 --> 00:20:03,745
to stand
up to a bully.
542
00:20:03,829 --> 00:20:06,206
Well, I'm standing up to you.
543
00:20:06,290 --> 00:20:08,792
Stop bullying people, Dad!
544
00:20:08,876 --> 00:20:11,128
My God, Chris,
you're right.
545
00:20:11,211 --> 00:20:12,254
Look at me.
546
00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:13,839
Look what I've become.
547
00:20:13,922 --> 00:20:15,841
I thought it'd feel good
to be a bully,
548
00:20:15,924 --> 00:20:18,302
but all I did was make people
feel as bad
549
00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:20,137
as Randy made me feel.
550
00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:21,972
I'm just a big jackass.
551
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:23,307
It's all right, Dad.
552
00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:24,641
I forgive you.
553
00:20:24,725 --> 00:20:28,061
As long as you promise
never to bully anyone again.
554
00:20:28,145 --> 00:20:30,397
I promise, Chris.
555
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,608
I mean, you know,
unless I get really stinkin' drunk,
556
00:20:32,691 --> 00:20:35,444
in which case all you got to do
is outrun your sister.
557
00:20:35,527 --> 00:20:36,862
Oh, I like that.
558
00:20:36,945 --> 00:20:37,946
That's nice.
559
00:20:38,030 --> 00:20:39,364
That's a warm
family moment.
560
00:20:39,448 --> 00:20:42,117
I agree. We can all learn
something from that.
561
00:20:42,201 --> 00:20:43,327
(African-American voice):
Wocka, wocka...
562
00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:45,871
who wants to hear
a funny-ass joke?
563
00:20:47,831 --> 00:20:50,959
♪
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