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1
00:00:01,293 --> 00:00:04,796
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:08,133
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:11,720
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:15,015
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:18,227
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:21,355
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,438 --> 00:00:23,106
All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,900
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:30,322
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:37,496
Um, Mom, Dad, um,
11
00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:40,541
I decided I want a big party
this year with all my friends.
12
00:00:40,666 --> 00:00:41,959
And maybe a band.
13
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,043
Is that cool?
14
00:00:43,126 --> 00:00:44,127
-Yeah, sure.
-Yeah.
15
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:45,212
-Yeah, well, that's...
-Sure.
16
00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:46,338
-Yeah, why not?
-Why not? Sure.
17
00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:47,422
Oh, thanks, guys!
18
00:00:47,506 --> 00:00:48,674
You're the best!
19
00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:50,384
What's she talking about?
20
00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:51,552
A party for what?
21
00:00:51,635 --> 00:00:52,636
I don't know.
22
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:53,762
She have her period
or something?
23
00:00:53,846 --> 00:00:54,847
She getting married?
24
00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:56,181
No. If she was
getting married,
25
00:00:56,265 --> 00:00:57,933
we probably would've
seen a guy around, right?
26
00:00:58,016 --> 00:00:59,101
Sound reasoning.
27
00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:02,145
You guys, it's Meg's
birthday next week.
28
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:04,106
(gasps)
Oh, my God, it is!
29
00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:05,941
Peter, we got to
put together a party!
30
00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:08,402
Ah, man, I hate
kids' birthday parties.
31
00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:09,820
This is gonna be
worse than that time
32
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:12,197
I was stuck behind Robert Loggia
at the airport.
33
00:01:12,281 --> 00:01:13,407
May I have
your name, please?
34
00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:15,117
Robert Loggia.
35
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:16,243
Can you
spell that for me?
36
00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:19,037
Certainly. That's Robert Loggia.
37
00:01:19,121 --> 00:01:21,707
"R" as in Robert Loggia,
38
00:01:21,874 --> 00:01:25,419
"O" as in "Oh, my God,
it's Robert Loggia,"
39
00:01:25,502 --> 00:01:29,131
"B" as in "By God,
that's Robert Loggia,"
40
00:01:29,214 --> 00:01:33,135
"E" as in everybody
loves Robert Loggia,
41
00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:36,305
"R" as in Robert Loggia,
42
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:40,225
"T" as in "Tim, look over there,
it's Robert Loggia,"
43
00:01:40,309 --> 00:01:41,560
space,
44
00:01:41,727 --> 00:01:44,521
"L" as in "Look!
It's Robert Loggia..."
45
00:01:44,646 --> 00:01:45,689
(sighs)
46
00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:50,777
Here you are, Brian.
47
00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:51,904
What's this?
48
00:01:51,987 --> 00:01:53,488
It's an invitation
to Meg's party.
49
00:01:53,572 --> 00:01:54,615
I'm the party planner.
50
00:01:54,698 --> 00:01:55,908
You have to RSVP.
51
00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:57,326
You can do it right now
if you want.
52
00:01:57,409 --> 00:01:58,911
All right, fine, I'll
come to Meg's party.
53
00:01:58,994 --> 00:02:01,246
No, you have to call
the RSVP line.
54
00:02:01,997 --> 00:02:03,040
You got to be
kidding me.
55
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,208
I'm waiting.
56
00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:05,292
(sighs)
57
00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:07,836
Ring, ring.
58
00:02:08,212 --> 00:02:09,379
Aren't you gonna
pick it up?
59
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,089
No, I'm not gonna pick it up
on the first few rings.
60
00:02:11,173 --> 00:02:13,550
I'm busy. Maybe I'm
in the other room.
61
00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:15,844
Ring, ring.
62
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,804
Ring, ring...
63
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,474
Ring, ring.
64
00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:22,684
Ring... Oh, come on!
65
00:02:22,768 --> 00:02:24,019
(high-pitched voice):
Hello! Stewie?
66
00:02:24,102 --> 00:02:26,104
No, this is Stewie's
housekeeper, Mrs. Pennyapple.
67
00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:27,189
I'll see if he's in.
68
00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:28,815
Stewie! Stewie!
69
00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:30,150
(normal voice):
Yes, Mrs. Pennyapple?
70
00:02:30,234 --> 00:02:31,401
You've got
a telephone call.
71
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:32,569
Who is it?
He didn't say.
72
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:33,737
Well, find out,
would you?
73
00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:34,905
Who is this?
It's Brian.
74
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,198
It's Brian!
75
00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:39,117
Oh, Brian. Probably RSVPing
about Megan's party.
76
00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:40,410
Hello, Brian.
Hi, Stewie.
77
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:41,495
What can I do for you?
78
00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:42,621
I'm coming to
Meg's party.
79
00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:43,997
Oh, splendid.
80
00:02:44,081 --> 00:02:45,499
Just give your information
to Mrs. Pennyapple.
81
00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,167
Hello, it's
Mrs. Pennyapple again.
82
00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:48,919
Shall I put you down
for two, Brendan?
83
00:02:49,044 --> 00:02:50,045
Brian.
Ryan?
84
00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:51,213
Brian!
Mitchell?
85
00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:52,798
What?
Good-bye.
86
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,218
Hey, Lois, I'm ordering
a birthday cake,
87
00:02:56,301 --> 00:02:57,928
and the guy wants to
know how old Meg is.
88
00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,012
I didn't know
what to tell him.
89
00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:00,180
You're asking me?
90
00:03:00,264 --> 00:03:01,306
Yeah. How old is Meg?
91
00:03:01,390 --> 00:03:02,391
I don't know.
92
00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:03,642
Well, my God, Lois,
93
00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,352
I thought you were the one
keeping track of that.
94
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:07,229
No, no.
I have no idea.
95
00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:09,898
Don't you remember me faking my
way through her last birthday?
96
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:12,693
You are hmm-hmm
97
00:03:12,776 --> 00:03:14,695
Going on hmm-hmm
98
00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:17,447
Fellas will fall in line...
99
00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:19,116
Should we...
100
00:03:19,449 --> 00:03:21,869
Should we just ask her
how old she is?
101
00:03:21,952 --> 00:03:24,621
That, uh, that'd be
kind of awkward, huh?
102
00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:27,040
Hey, maybe we should just cut
off her leg and count the rings.
103
00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:28,125
(both laughing)
104
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,210
Yeah. Or maybe
try carbon dating.
105
00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:31,295
(both laughing)
106
00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:32,671
I don't know
what that is.
107
00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:34,715
You know, we're gonna
have to talk to her
108
00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:36,884
and kind of steer
the conversation
109
00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:38,343
in a way that gets her
to spill it.
110
00:03:38,802 --> 00:03:40,429
(knocking)
Come in.
111
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,681
Hi, sweetie.
Hey, Meg.
112
00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:45,767
So, Meg, your birthday's
coming up, huh?
113
00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:48,145
You excited
about turning...
114
00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:51,523
Huh?
115
00:03:51,607 --> 00:03:55,444
Uh, Meg, uh, I got 16 candles
for your birthday cake.
116
00:03:55,861 --> 00:03:57,029
How does that sound?
117
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,322
That's not right.
118
00:03:58,530 --> 00:04:00,490
So... less...?
119
00:04:01,033 --> 00:04:02,534
More...?
120
00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:04,703
Too many...?
121
00:04:04,870 --> 00:04:05,913
Not enough?
122
00:04:05,996 --> 00:04:07,581
You stupid son
of a bitch!
123
00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,291
You didn't even
know how old I am!
124
00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:11,251
Meg, that kind of language
is not appropriate
125
00:04:11,335 --> 00:04:12,669
for a girl your age.
126
00:04:13,212 --> 00:04:15,422
Or is it?
127
00:04:15,506 --> 00:04:17,674
I'm gonna be
17, you jerks!
128
00:04:19,134 --> 00:04:20,719
She's the jerk.
129
00:04:24,848 --> 00:04:26,183
All right, come
on in, everybody.
130
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:27,434
Have a seat
anywhere.
131
00:04:27,518 --> 00:04:29,770
Meg's gonna open her
presents in a little bit.
132
00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:33,023
Oh, Francis, I'm glad
you could make it.
133
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:34,650
Here! Here's this
for Megan!
134
00:04:34,733 --> 00:04:36,735
Oh. What is it?
135
00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:39,696
It's a cookie from
lunch period at the home!
136
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,615
Well, I'm sure
she'll love this.
137
00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:43,158
I want to see her eat it!
138
00:04:43,242 --> 00:04:45,452
So the man asks the bartender
to recommend a good drink.
139
00:04:45,536 --> 00:04:47,204
The bartender says,
"A Grasshopper."
140
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,830
So the guy orders
a Grasshopper.
141
00:04:48,914 --> 00:04:50,582
Then he's walking home
and along the way,
142
00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:52,334
he notices a grasshopper
on the ground.
143
00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:53,710
So he says to
the grasshopper,
144
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,796
"Hey, you know there's a
drink named after you?"
145
00:04:55,879 --> 00:04:58,340
The grasshopper says, "You mean
there's a drink named Irving?"
146
00:04:58,423 --> 00:05:00,592
(laughter)
147
00:05:02,845 --> 00:05:05,430
So which one of you wants
to lose your virginity?
148
00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:07,140
Mom, this
party sucks!
149
00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:08,475
I mean, balloons?
150
00:05:08,559 --> 00:05:09,852
Pin the tail
on the donkey?
151
00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:11,520
I'm not five
years old.
152
00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:14,523
Meg, your father worked very
hard to put this party together.
153
00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:16,775
And he says he's got
a big surprise for you.
154
00:05:16,859 --> 00:05:20,863
Hey, kids, I'm Peepants,
the inebriated hobo clown.
155
00:05:20,946 --> 00:05:23,657
I'm an adorable tramp
who wears found clothing
156
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,117
and eats out of
your garbage can.
157
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,451
A clown?!
158
00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:28,245
Dad, I'm 17!
159
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:31,164
Meg, guess what Peepants
got you for your birthday.
160
00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:32,249
A scarf.
161
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:33,542
I don't want a scarf, Dad.
162
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:34,918
Well, then
how about...
163
00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:37,004
a dozen scarves?!
164
00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:39,256
(humming
circus music)
165
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,008
(gagging)
166
00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:43,093
(coughing)
167
00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:44,511
Peter, I don't think
you're actually
168
00:05:44,595 --> 00:05:46,138
supposed to swallow those.
169
00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:47,431
(gagging)
170
00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:49,016
(coughing)
171
00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:54,229
Here you go, Meg.
172
00:05:54,313 --> 00:05:55,314
I don't want them!
173
00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:56,565
Take them!
174
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,901
Hey, are my long johns
tied to the end of those?
175
00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:00,360
No.
Oh, God.
176
00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:01,695
(retching)
177
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:04,031
(coughing)
178
00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:09,453
Ow! Ow!
179
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:11,079
Ow!
180
00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:13,248
Mom, can I just open
my presents now?
181
00:06:13,332 --> 00:06:14,333
All right, Meg.
182
00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:15,417
Thank you.
183
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:16,710
(paper ripping)
What the...?
184
00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:18,378
Well, let's see
what else we've got here.
185
00:06:18,462 --> 00:06:21,882
The first season
of Sister, Sister on DVD?
186
00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:23,175
CLEVELAND:
You're welcome.
187
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:24,635
Stewie, what
are you doing?!
188
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,136
You can't open
Meg's gifts!
189
00:06:26,303 --> 00:06:28,347
Hey! These are mine,
you hear me?
190
00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:29,431
Mine!
191
00:06:29,515 --> 00:06:31,725
Oh, God, not the "mine" phase.
192
00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:33,435
I've been dreading this day.
193
00:06:33,519 --> 00:06:35,145
I'm entitled to
these things, Lois.
194
00:06:35,229 --> 00:06:38,982
Especially after I got shafted
by that Asian Santa at the mall.
195
00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:40,567
What you want?! What you
want for Christmas?!
196
00:06:40,651 --> 00:06:43,570
Um, I was thinking maybe
one of those old-timey...
197
00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:45,739
Too late!
Take too long! Sad Christmas!
198
00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:47,115
-What you want?!
-Fire truck!
199
00:06:47,199 --> 00:06:48,200
-What color?!
-Red!
200
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:49,284
-Next!
-(screaming)
201
00:06:50,369 --> 00:06:52,621
Peter, have you
been drinking?
202
00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:54,414
Well, a little.
It is a party.
203
00:06:54,498 --> 00:06:56,625
Take off that
stupid costume!
204
00:06:56,708 --> 00:06:57,835
You look like
a damn fool.
205
00:06:57,918 --> 00:06:59,336
Ah, Dad, you
won't say that
206
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,672
when you see my grand
unicycle finale.
207
00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:03,131
Everyone, I'll
be right back.
208
00:07:03,215 --> 00:07:05,092
In the meantime,
I leave you with
209
00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:07,678
the musical stylings
of Chris Griffin.
210
00:07:07,970 --> 00:07:09,805
(soft rock playing)
211
00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:16,520
(screechy, off-key):
I don't know what we're afraid of
212
00:07:16,687 --> 00:07:22,526
Nothing would change
if we made love
213
00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:29,199
So I'll be your friend
214
00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:34,580
(falsetto):
And I'll be your lover...
215
00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:36,540
(sighs)
216
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:38,584
All right, this is gonna
blow you guys aw...!
217
00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:41,503
(screaming)
218
00:07:41,587 --> 00:07:42,754
Grandpa!
Oh, my God!
219
00:07:42,838 --> 00:07:43,839
Is he breathing?
220
00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:45,007
Somebody call
an ambulance!
221
00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:48,135
Uh, Lois, maybe you better
call two ambulances.
222
00:07:52,598 --> 00:07:53,765
How is he, Doctor?
223
00:07:53,849 --> 00:07:57,019
Mrs. Griffin, his internal
injuries were much too severe.
224
00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:59,271
I'd estimate he'll be
dead within the hour.
225
00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:01,815
Dad, I'm so sorry I
broke all your ribs
226
00:08:01,899 --> 00:08:04,234
and busted your spleen
and punctured your lung.
227
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,528
I don't if you can
hear me right now,
228
00:08:06,612 --> 00:08:10,365
but I hope you know--
I love you, Dad.
229
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,034
Peter...
230
00:08:12,284 --> 00:08:14,036
come closer.
231
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:16,705
There's something...
I need to say to you.
232
00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:18,874
I'm here, Dad.
What is it?
233
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,459
Peter...
234
00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:23,629
you're a fat,
stinking drunk.
235
00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:24,838
(flatline tone)
236
00:08:24,963 --> 00:08:26,590
Oh, my God, he's dead.
237
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:27,799
He can't be dead.
238
00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:29,927
There's got to be
something I can do.
239
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:33,096
Maybe I'll bury him
in the pet cemetery.
240
00:08:33,222 --> 00:08:36,308
(both screaming)
241
00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:38,101
Okay, I'll bury him
in a regular cemetery.
242
00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:44,608
I can't believe
Grandpa's dead.
243
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:47,402
Well, he did kind of
treat us like crap,
244
00:08:47,486 --> 00:08:49,696
but, yes, it is
a tragedy.
245
00:08:49,780 --> 00:08:51,031
It is a tragedy.
246
00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:52,115
Excuse us.
247
00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:53,992
Yeah, we'll be
right back.
248
00:09:04,086 --> 00:09:05,087
We're all gonna
miss him.
249
00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:06,171
Tragic.
250
00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:07,673
You know what
the worst part is?
251
00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:10,551
All I wanted was for my dad
to tell me he loved me.
252
00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:13,345
But instead, he called me
a fat, stinking drunk.
253
00:09:13,512 --> 00:09:14,930
Those were
his last words.
254
00:09:15,013 --> 00:09:17,766
Well, I hate to side
with your father, Peter,
255
00:09:17,850 --> 00:09:19,893
but you do kind
of drink a lot,
256
00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:23,188
and, you know, sometimes it
affects the people you love.
257
00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:24,439
Oh, my God.
258
00:09:24,523 --> 00:09:25,566
Lois, you're right.
259
00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:27,776
Booze made me fall down
all those stairs.
260
00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:29,486
Booze killed my father.
261
00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:30,946
Well, from this day forward,
262
00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:34,366
I, Peter Griffin,
will never drink again.
263
00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:39,538
Peter, what
are you doing?
264
00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:40,622
Crack.
265
00:09:40,706 --> 00:09:41,874
What the (bleep)?!
266
00:09:41,957 --> 00:09:43,584
Hey, at least
I'm not drinking, Brian.
267
00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:45,627
Yeah, this isn't exactly
a good substitute.
268
00:09:45,711 --> 00:09:46,837
Where'd you
get crack?
269
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,338
From blacks.
What?
270
00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:50,090
Yeah, right behind
Black's Hardware Store.
271
00:09:50,174 --> 00:09:51,258
There's a white guy
selling it.
272
00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:53,510
Look, doing crack is not
the way to stop drinking.
273
00:09:53,594 --> 00:09:54,845
You need to get
to the heart of
274
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,472
why you feel the need to
drink in the first place.
275
00:09:57,556 --> 00:09:59,016
Look, here, this
is the number
276
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,934
of a hypnotherapist
I want you to see.
277
00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:02,227
All right, Brian.
278
00:10:02,311 --> 00:10:03,353
Good.
279
00:10:08,025 --> 00:10:09,234
Hey, Peter, just thought
I'd check on you.
280
00:10:09,318 --> 00:10:10,694
Oh, my God!
281
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:14,031
Gov'ment came
and took my baby!
282
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:18,410
This is mine, and this is mine,
283
00:10:18,493 --> 00:10:20,871
and that's mine,
and this is mine.
284
00:10:21,079 --> 00:10:22,206
Oh, what's this?
285
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,458
"Hot Monogamy, the board game
286
00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:26,168
for failing marriages."
287
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,546
"Dare card:
Have her do a strip tease
288
00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:32,591
and see how long
it takes you to get a 'bonner.'"
289
00:10:32,925 --> 00:10:34,176
What's a "bonner"?
290
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:36,803
Stewie, what are you doing
with my jewelry box?
291
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:38,430
You give that
back to Mommy.
292
00:10:38,514 --> 00:10:39,681
No! Go to hell!
293
00:10:39,932 --> 00:10:41,934
Stewie, I have had
just about enough
294
00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:43,936
of this new selfish
attitude of yours.
295
00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:45,812
Now, give that
back to Mommy!
296
00:10:45,896 --> 00:10:46,897
Very well, then.
297
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,690
If I can't have it,
nobody can!
298
00:10:48,857 --> 00:10:49,942
That is enough!
299
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:53,153
You... you struck me!
300
00:10:53,237 --> 00:10:54,863
(gasps)
Oh, my God.
301
00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:57,741
Stewie, honey,
I am so sorry.
302
00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,076
Are you okay, sweetie?
303
00:11:00,452 --> 00:11:02,788
(wailing)
304
00:11:02,913 --> 00:11:05,123
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
305
00:11:05,207 --> 00:11:06,959
Mommy would never
hurt you.
306
00:11:07,042 --> 00:11:08,460
Let me give you a hug.
307
00:11:08,544 --> 00:11:09,545
(screaming):
No!
308
00:11:09,628 --> 00:11:12,214
(sobbing)
309
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:15,467
I haven't been this scared since
Mother Teresa OD'd in my car.
310
00:11:15,551 --> 00:11:17,052
She is messed up, man!
311
00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:18,178
Shut up!
Just shut up!
312
00:11:18,262 --> 00:11:19,263
Let me
(bleep) think!
313
00:11:19,388 --> 00:11:20,389
(tires screeching)
314
00:11:20,472 --> 00:11:21,974
Push her out.
We can't leave her alone.
315
00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:23,100
Push the
bitch out!
316
00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:25,561
(tires screeching)
317
00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:31,942
Okay, now let's go back in
your mind to your childhood,
318
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:33,819
to some of your
deepest memories.
319
00:11:33,902 --> 00:11:36,113
Yeah, I'm getting something.
320
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:38,949
Happy Father's
Day, Dad.
321
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,617
I'm not your father!
322
00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:42,452
Oh, my God!
323
00:11:42,661 --> 00:11:45,289
Francis Griffin wasn't
my real father!
324
00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:47,291
I wonder what else
I've repressed.
325
00:11:47,583 --> 00:11:49,126
Oh, my God!
326
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,587
I could've had a V8.
327
00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:54,923
It was horrible, Rupert.
328
00:11:55,007 --> 00:11:56,175
It was like a nightmare.
329
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:58,260
Lois came at me
like a wild animal.
330
00:11:58,343 --> 00:12:00,304
I had no way to defend myself.
331
00:12:00,596 --> 00:12:03,307
Mother, I'm sorry I
went against your wishes.
332
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:04,474
(growling)
333
00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:05,726
Ow! Ow, ow!
334
00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:06,935
I'm sorry I
misbehaved, mother!
335
00:12:07,019 --> 00:12:08,562
(grunting)
I'm sorry I misbehaved!
336
00:12:08,687 --> 00:12:10,230
It'll never happen again!
337
00:12:10,314 --> 00:12:11,523
(whimpering)
338
00:12:11,607 --> 00:12:13,317
I love you, Mommy Dearest!
339
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,526
(gasping)
340
00:12:14,610 --> 00:12:15,694
(grunting)
341
00:12:18,614 --> 00:12:19,948
Oh, it was awful, Rupert.
342
00:12:20,032 --> 00:12:21,783
I felt terrified
and brutalized
343
00:12:21,867 --> 00:12:23,869
and humiliated
and... and...
344
00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:25,913
and alive.
345
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,414
My God, I...
346
00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:29,541
I haven't felt that alive
in years.
347
00:12:29,625 --> 00:12:31,251
Rupert, you know,
348
00:12:31,335 --> 00:12:33,670
I think perhaps I may be one
of those people who...
349
00:12:33,921 --> 00:12:35,923
gets a jolly out of being hit.
350
00:12:36,006 --> 00:12:38,258
Oh, Stewie, there you are.
351
00:12:38,342 --> 00:12:40,802
Mommy is so sorry
she hit you.
352
00:12:40,886 --> 00:12:43,430
I promise I will never
lay a hand on you again.
353
00:12:43,514 --> 00:12:45,140
Well, let's not make
any rash decisions.
354
00:12:45,224 --> 00:12:46,558
I mean, I did
provoke you.
355
00:12:46,642 --> 00:12:48,393
Come on, Lois, hit me!
Beat the crap out of me!
356
00:12:48,477 --> 00:12:49,770
Step on my cubes.
357
00:12:52,523 --> 00:12:54,608
(doorbell rings)
358
00:12:56,318 --> 00:12:57,611
Oh, hi, Peter.
359
00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,780
Are you here to bring
back the TV set?
360
00:12:59,863 --> 00:13:01,281
No, I sold it for crack.
361
00:13:01,365 --> 00:13:02,824
But listen, Mom, I've got
to ask you something.
362
00:13:02,908 --> 00:13:04,660
Who's my real father?
363
00:13:04,743 --> 00:13:07,829
Uh... I knew this day
would come.
364
00:13:07,913 --> 00:13:09,790
All right, Peter, here it is.
365
00:13:09,873 --> 00:13:13,001
About 40 years ago,
I was vactioning in Ireland,
366
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:16,380
and I met a young rogue
named Mickey McFinnegan.
367
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:19,800
Peter, Mickey is
your real father.
368
00:13:19,883 --> 00:13:22,594
Oh my God!
I gotta find him!
369
00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:26,306
To Ireland!
370
00:13:31,436 --> 00:13:33,313
Sweetheart, when
will you be back?
371
00:13:33,397 --> 00:13:34,398
I don't know, Lois.
372
00:13:34,523 --> 00:13:37,484
All I know is somewhere
in the great land of Ireland,
373
00:13:37,568 --> 00:13:39,945
is a big fat bastard
who looks like me.
374
00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:41,822
Call me as soon
as you can, Peter.
375
00:13:41,947 --> 00:13:44,032
And I really hope you
find your real father.
376
00:13:44,116 --> 00:13:46,159
We're gonna
miss you, Dad.
377
00:13:46,285 --> 00:13:48,495
Come back soon,
Daddy... I love you.
378
00:13:48,579 --> 00:13:50,664
That'll do, pig.
That'll do.
379
00:13:54,084 --> 00:13:55,127
There she is, Rupert.
380
00:13:55,210 --> 00:13:57,212
Oh, if I can just get her
to hit me one more time,
381
00:13:57,296 --> 00:13:58,881
it'll give me the rush
I've been looking for!
382
00:13:58,964 --> 00:14:01,300
(moans, then laughs)
383
00:14:01,383 --> 00:14:03,010
What's next? What's next?
What's next?
384
00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:04,803
Oh, God, I've been so
bloody naughty,
385
00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:06,430
and I need to be taught a lesson
and you're the one to do it.
386
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:08,056
(screaming)
387
00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:11,018
Oh! Thank you!
388
00:14:11,101 --> 00:14:13,312
Thank you!
389
00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:14,897
Yeah, all that stuff.
390
00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:16,398
Let's make that happen.
391
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,443
Oh, hi, sweetie.
You want some juice?
392
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:20,819
Ooh, that'll be lovely.
393
00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:24,823
Oh, Stewie!
Yeah?
394
00:14:24,907 --> 00:14:26,450
Look at the mess you made.
395
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,911
Oh, I've made a
terrible mess, haven't I?
396
00:14:28,994 --> 00:14:31,121
Yes, I made you take time
out of your day to clean
397
00:14:31,205 --> 00:14:32,831
up my mess and I should
be punished for it.
398
00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:35,167
Go!
Well, I guess it's not that big a deal.
399
00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:36,460
Accidents happen.
400
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:38,504
I don't know. Don't you
think you should spank me
401
00:14:38,587 --> 00:14:39,713
or slice my nostril?
402
00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:40,797
It's all right, Stewie.
403
00:14:40,881 --> 00:14:41,965
Now go play.
404
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:43,133
All right.
405
00:14:45,511 --> 00:14:47,346
Look! I've drawn
heavyweight pugilist
406
00:14:47,429 --> 00:14:49,765
David Tua on the wall.
Punish me!
407
00:14:49,848 --> 00:14:51,767
Uh, sweetie, you've
really gotta stop--
408
00:14:51,850 --> 00:14:53,560
huh, looks like
David Tua--
409
00:14:53,644 --> 00:14:55,521
You've really gotta
stop misbehaving.
410
00:14:55,604 --> 00:14:56,939
You're getting
on Mommy's nerves.
411
00:14:57,022 --> 00:14:58,565
Well, you know what'll
ease your stress?
412
00:14:58,649 --> 00:15:00,108
Slap me across the
face like a bitch!
413
00:15:00,192 --> 00:15:02,945
It's all right.
I'll get some Windex.
414
00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:04,613
Come on! Discipline me!
415
00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:06,657
Make me wear panties,
rub dirt in my eye,
416
00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:08,116
violate me with a wine bottle.
417
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,619
My God, I really do have
problems, don't I?
418
00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:15,165
PILOT (on P.A.):
Welcome to Ireland.
419
00:15:15,249 --> 00:15:16,792
We'll be
landing in five minutes.
420
00:15:16,875 --> 00:15:18,460
This is quite
a country, Brian.
421
00:15:18,544 --> 00:15:20,963
You know, Ireland has more
drunks per capita than people.
422
00:15:21,046 --> 00:15:22,464
Oh, that's a
negative stereotype.
423
00:15:22,548 --> 00:15:25,217
I don't think the
Irish drink as much as people say they do.
424
00:15:27,469 --> 00:15:29,805
(bottles clattering)
425
00:15:36,311 --> 00:15:39,106
Uh, excuse me?
Is this McSwiggen Village?
426
00:15:39,189 --> 00:15:41,692
Ah, dibble a man who
say a word aginit, hmmm?
427
00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:42,985
Is that a yes or a no?
428
00:15:43,068 --> 00:15:44,903
Aye, tis
McSwiggen Village.
429
00:15:44,987 --> 00:15:47,447
Where the hills are green,
the streams are clear,
430
00:15:47,531 --> 00:15:49,116
and the sweaters
are so thick,
431
00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:51,869
even the boniest-
fingered nun could poke you in the chest
432
00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:53,161
and it wouldn't
bother you none.
433
00:15:53,245 --> 00:15:56,999
Don't be so bold
with your dark hair and your proud ways!
434
00:15:57,082 --> 00:15:58,375
I can't feel a thing!
435
00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:07,718
Hey, uh, you heard of a
man named Mickey McFinnegan?
436
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:08,802
Have I heard of him?
437
00:16:08,886 --> 00:16:10,095
Of course I've
heard of him!
438
00:16:10,179 --> 00:16:11,221
He's the town drunk!
439
00:16:11,305 --> 00:16:12,472
Town drunk?!
440
00:16:12,598 --> 00:16:15,142
Oh, my God, you mean he's the
disgrace of the whole town?
441
00:16:15,225 --> 00:16:17,436
(laughing)
442
00:16:17,519 --> 00:16:19,521
You lads aren't from
around here, are ya?
443
00:16:19,688 --> 00:16:20,898
Top of the morning, ladies!
444
00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:22,608
Let me cut you an Irish rose.
445
00:16:22,733 --> 00:16:24,985
(farting)
(laughing)
446
00:16:25,068 --> 00:16:26,153
Whoo!
447
00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:28,530
I don't know exactly where
the County Cork is
448
00:16:28,614 --> 00:16:30,115
but I know where
it should be!
449
00:16:30,199 --> 00:16:32,159
(laughing)
450
00:16:33,702 --> 00:16:37,539
Around here, the town
drunk is a person of great honor.
451
00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:38,999
Uh, excuse me, sir?
452
00:16:39,082 --> 00:16:41,168
My name is Peter.
Pleased to meet you, lad.
453
00:16:41,293 --> 00:16:43,045
Name's Mickey.
Listen, uh...
454
00:16:43,128 --> 00:16:45,255
this may be hard for
you to believe but...
455
00:16:45,589 --> 00:16:48,509
you're my father.
Oh, am I now?
456
00:16:48,634 --> 00:16:51,053
Yeah, I came all the way
from America to find you.
457
00:16:51,136 --> 00:16:53,055
I suppose it's
money you're wantin'.
458
00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:54,848
I owe you some allowance
and so forth.
459
00:16:54,932 --> 00:16:56,308
(laughing)
460
00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:58,310
(all laughing)
461
00:16:58,393 --> 00:16:59,728
Oh, no, I don't want money.
462
00:16:59,811 --> 00:17:01,939
I just want to get to know you
and be friends
463
00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:03,815
so I can finally
have a real dad
464
00:17:03,899 --> 00:17:05,234
who loves and respects me.
465
00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:06,860
You can't be me son.
466
00:17:06,944 --> 00:17:08,362
You and me are
nothing alike.
467
00:17:08,445 --> 00:17:10,072
Just ask me
sheep, O'Brian.
468
00:17:10,155 --> 00:17:11,615
Who's leg do
you have to hump
469
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,575
to get a pint of
Guinness around here?
470
00:17:15,285 --> 00:17:16,370
Boy it's amazing,
isn't it?
471
00:17:16,495 --> 00:17:18,622
You get two fathers
and neither one of them
472
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:19,790
wants anything
to do with you.
473
00:17:19,915 --> 00:17:22,167
There's got to be some
way I can make him see
474
00:17:22,251 --> 00:17:24,086
that I'm worthy
of being his son.
475
00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:26,129
About the only way I
can ever impress him
476
00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:28,298
is if I was a fat
stinkin' drunk.
477
00:17:28,382 --> 00:17:31,802
FRANCIS:
Peter! You are afat stinking drunk.
478
00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:32,886
What?
479
00:17:32,970 --> 00:17:35,347
You're a fat stinking drunk!
480
00:17:35,430 --> 00:17:37,558
Yes, from what he's
told us, that's right on the money.
481
00:17:37,641 --> 00:17:38,934
Challenge him,
you must.
482
00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:40,561
And I'm Hayden
Christensen.
483
00:17:40,978 --> 00:17:42,604
Wait a minute,
Brian, that's it!
484
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:44,731
I'm a fat stinkin' drunk
485
00:17:44,815 --> 00:17:47,651
because my father is
a fat stinkin' drunk.
486
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:48,902
And I gotta
prove it to him.
487
00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:51,405
I have gotta drink him
so far under the table,
488
00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:53,240
he'll have no choice
but to respect me.
489
00:17:53,323 --> 00:17:54,783
Get me a beer, Brian.
490
00:17:54,867 --> 00:17:56,994
And I am going to prepare
for this as thoroughly
491
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:59,288
as Ben Affleck
prepares for a role.
492
00:18:00,163 --> 00:18:02,666
Whoa! I've got to be
Henry VIII in 20 minutes!
493
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:03,792
Hello... hallo...
494
00:18:03,876 --> 00:18:05,252
(English accent):
Allo, Allo.
495
00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:06,336
Got it.
496
00:18:08,839 --> 00:18:12,634
Mickey McFinnegan... I challenge
you to a drinking contest.
497
00:18:12,718 --> 00:18:13,719
(crowd gasps)
498
00:18:13,844 --> 00:18:16,346
Ha! And what makes you think
you can hold your own
499
00:18:16,430 --> 00:18:17,556
with the likes of me?
500
00:18:17,639 --> 00:18:19,933
Because I'm your son!
And I'm tough.
501
00:18:20,142 --> 00:18:22,519
I made it halfway through
Failure to Launch.
502
00:18:22,644 --> 00:18:25,397
I just never managed
to get my life together.
503
00:18:25,814 --> 00:18:26,815
Isn't that hilarious?
504
00:18:26,899 --> 00:18:29,401
(laughs):
You're cute.
505
00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:31,153
Done!
506
00:18:32,487 --> 00:18:33,822
As we say in Ireland,
507
00:18:33,906 --> 00:18:36,200
let's drink until
the alcohol in our system
508
00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:38,452
destroys our livers
and kills us.
509
00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:42,789
I've got 20
on the fat one.
510
00:18:42,873 --> 00:18:44,082
BOTH:
Which one's the fat one?
511
00:18:44,166 --> 00:18:45,167
(both laugh)
512
00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:47,377
(bleating)
513
00:18:50,422 --> 00:18:53,008
(speaking slurred gibberish):
514
00:18:56,178 --> 00:18:57,930
(speaking slurred gibberish):
515
00:19:32,464 --> 00:19:34,216
(grunts)
516
00:19:34,299 --> 00:19:36,301
-What happened?
-Peter, you won!
517
00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:40,097
My God, nobody's ever beat
me at the game of drink.
518
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:42,224
Now do you believe
that you're my dad?
519
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:45,477
Nobody but a McFinnegan
could handle that much of the creature.
520
00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:48,355
You're the broth of me own
stubby shillelagh, all right.
521
00:19:48,438 --> 00:19:50,148
Welcome to me
family, Peter.
522
00:19:50,232 --> 00:19:51,233
You hear that, Brian?
523
00:19:51,316 --> 00:19:52,526
I'm a McFinnegan now!
524
00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:54,278
I can forget
all about Francis.
525
00:19:54,403 --> 00:19:56,488
You know, there's something
you should always remember, Peter.
526
00:19:56,572 --> 00:19:58,490
Francis may not have
been your father,
527
00:19:58,574 --> 00:20:00,909
but he raised you as
if you were his own.
528
00:20:00,993 --> 00:20:03,704
And if that isn't love,
I don't know what is.
529
00:20:03,787 --> 00:20:05,747
Wow, I guess
you're right.
530
00:20:05,831 --> 00:20:07,165
But there is
one thing, Mickey.
531
00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:09,334
You knocked up my mom
and never called her again.
532
00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:10,460
Yeah, so what?
533
00:20:10,544 --> 00:20:12,379
So what? So let's dance!
534
00:20:12,462 --> 00:20:14,965
Oh he doesn't smell
like Irish Spring
535
00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:16,675
And he never taught
me anything
536
00:20:16,758 --> 00:20:20,429
But still I slap my chest and
sing of my drunken Irish dad
537
00:20:20,512 --> 00:20:22,347
Oh, his face looks like
a railroad map
538
00:20:22,431 --> 00:20:23,932
And he never shuts
his freakin' trap
539
00:20:24,016 --> 00:20:25,893
But all the ladies
catch the clap
540
00:20:25,976 --> 00:20:27,352
from your drunken Irish dad
541
00:20:27,436 --> 00:20:29,855
Ask a Hennesy, Tennesy,
Morrison, Shaughnessy
542
00:20:29,938 --> 00:20:31,440
Riordan and Rooney,
they'll tell you the same
543
00:20:31,523 --> 00:20:33,150
McNutley, Mulrooney
and Cotter and Clooney
544
00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:35,068
All feel the same mixture
of pride and the same
545
00:20:35,152 --> 00:20:37,029
Finnegan, Hannigan,
Kelly and Flannigan
546
00:20:37,112 --> 00:20:38,572
Look to the ground
when their dad passes by
547
00:20:38,655 --> 00:20:40,407
Cafferty, Rafferty,
Joyce and O'Lafferty
548
00:20:40,490 --> 00:20:44,828
Fight for his honor
and then start to cry
549
00:20:50,459 --> 00:20:51,960
(mugs clanking)
550
00:21:00,677 --> 00:21:03,013
Oh, we Irish lads
are all infirm
551
00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:04,681
And our moods infect us
like a germ
552
00:21:04,765 --> 00:21:08,185
'Cause we're all the spawn
of a pickled sperm
553
00:21:08,268 --> 00:21:09,937
And we don't
tan well, either.
554
00:21:10,020 --> 00:21:12,356
From a drunken Irish dad!
38780
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