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1
00:00:01,293 --> 00:00:04,963
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:08,133
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:11,720
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:14,765
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:18,227
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:21,563
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:23,106
All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,025
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:29,988
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:36,203
-TV ANNOUNCER:And now back to Romancing
-the Stone.
11
00:00:36,328 --> 00:00:38,163
The only way they're not
going to kill my sister
12
00:00:38,247 --> 00:00:39,748
is if we give
them the stone.
13
00:00:39,831 --> 00:00:41,500
Well, they're going
to be looking everywhere.
14
00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:43,043
We'll have to hide it
in my chin.
15
00:00:43,126 --> 00:00:44,336
MAN:
Andale, arriba...
16
00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:45,420
Uh-oh, here they come.
17
00:00:45,504 --> 00:00:47,339
You'd better get
in there, too.
18
00:00:49,508 --> 00:00:52,886
Good God, Joan Wilder's sister
is being held hostage
19
00:00:52,970 --> 00:00:56,098
in Cartagena, and there's
not a policeman in sight.
20
00:00:56,181 --> 00:00:57,975
I guess it's up to me.
21
00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,184
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
22
00:00:59,268 --> 00:01:00,727
And I'm Diane Simmons.
23
00:01:00,811 --> 00:01:02,646
Our top story:
Mayor West has dispatched
24
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:05,315
the entire Quahog police force
to Cartagena, Columbia,
25
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:09,611
to assist in the rescue of fictional
1984 movie character, Elaine Wilder.
26
00:01:09,695 --> 00:01:10,904
More on that later.
27
00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:13,031
Now let's go to Ollie Williams'
Cooking Corner.
28
00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:14,408
What are you making, Ollie?
Eggo!
29
00:01:14,491 --> 00:01:15,909
Thanks, Ollie.
And now this.
30
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,291
PETER: Lois, can you come
out here for a second?
31
00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:25,794
Hey, Lois, can you run inside
and get me some oranges
32
00:01:25,878 --> 00:01:27,004
or whatever it is
these things eat?
33
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,964
Peter, what is that?
34
00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:31,466
Uh, this would be a giraffe,
Issac Newton.
35
00:01:31,550 --> 00:01:33,135
I stole it from the zoo.
36
00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:34,887
What with Mayor West sending
all the cops away,
37
00:01:34,970 --> 00:01:36,054
everybody can do whatever
they want.
38
00:01:36,138 --> 00:01:38,473
Peter, I don't care what
Mayor West has done.
39
00:01:38,557 --> 00:01:40,392
You can't just
break the law.
40
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:42,227
Sure, I can.
I've been doing it all week.
41
00:01:42,311 --> 00:01:44,313
Like yesterday, I started
a lovable gang
42
00:01:44,396 --> 00:01:45,981
of cockney pickpockets.
43
00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:49,026
All right, boys,
the best targets are old, rich people.
44
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,194
There's one now.
Go get him.
45
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:54,781
Oh, no, there's no police
here to help me!
46
00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:58,410
I hope you don't find the money
strapped to my thigh.
47
00:01:58,493 --> 00:02:01,496
Peter, you take that thing back
where it belongs immediately.
48
00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:03,081
All right, I guess
we gotta go back
49
00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:05,042
to the zoo,
Allison Janney.
50
00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:06,376
Allison Janney?
51
00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:08,045
QUAGMIRE:
Oh, good morning, honey.
52
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,546
That feels really good.
53
00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:11,924
What...? Hey! Hey! Hey!
What the hell?!
54
00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:13,634
You're not the same giraffe
from last night.
55
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:14,885
Get out of here.
56
00:02:18,096 --> 00:02:19,473
What the hell?
57
00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:23,143
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
58
00:02:23,227 --> 00:02:25,145
I gotta stop taking my baths
59
00:02:25,229 --> 00:02:27,314
during Peter's shenanigans.
60
00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:32,027
(phone ringing)
61
00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:33,111
Hello.
62
00:02:33,195 --> 00:02:34,530
Oh, hey, Jillian.
What's up?
63
00:02:34,613 --> 00:02:38,158
Brian, are you coming over
to watch Laguna Beach tonight?
64
00:02:38,242 --> 00:02:39,868
Uh, what time does it start?
65
00:02:39,952 --> 00:02:42,204
10:00 Eastern
and Specific time.
66
00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:43,288
What?
67
00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:44,873
What did you say?
Specific time?
68
00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:46,083
Don't you mean Pacific Time?
69
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:48,377
No, I think it's called
Specific time.
70
00:02:48,460 --> 00:02:50,712
They mean it starts
specifically at 10:00.
71
00:02:50,796 --> 00:02:53,549
(Stewie laughing)
Stewie, are you on the line?
72
00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:54,633
Yes.
73
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:55,968
Jillian, I'll talk to you later.
74
00:02:56,051 --> 00:02:59,888
(sobbing uncontrollably)
75
00:02:59,972 --> 00:03:02,307
Uh, so...
76
00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:03,600
Meg...
77
00:03:04,476 --> 00:03:05,853
how was school?
78
00:03:05,936 --> 00:03:07,396
Horrible.
79
00:03:07,479 --> 00:03:10,566
There's a dance Friday night
and no one wants to go with me.
80
00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:13,026
Even my backup
guy had plans.
81
00:03:13,110 --> 00:03:14,486
Hi, Jimmy.
82
00:03:14,570 --> 00:03:16,405
Um, I heard you didn't
have a date to the dance,
83
00:03:16,488 --> 00:03:18,907
and I was wondering if
you'd like to go with me.
84
00:03:18,991 --> 00:03:22,035
Oh, uh, I, uh...
H-Hang on.
85
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:25,330
(two gunshots)
86
00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:28,125
I'd love to go, Meg,
but I have to go
87
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,836
to my little brother's
funeral that night.
88
00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:33,255
Aw, I'm sure you'll find
someone to go with you.
89
00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:34,631
No, I won't.
90
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:36,675
I'm so fat and gross.
91
00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:38,093
Aw...
92
00:03:38,177 --> 00:03:40,179
I should just kill myself.
93
00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:42,890
Aw, that's...
Come on.
94
00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:44,725
I'm gonna do it.
95
00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:47,853
I'm gonna kill myself 'cause
no one will go with me.
96
00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:49,855
Aw...
97
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:55,777
Meg, stop it.
Come on.
98
00:03:55,861 --> 00:03:57,571
All right, all right,
Meg, look,
99
00:03:57,654 --> 00:04:02,576
what if I... what if I drove you
and walked in with you or whatever?
100
00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:04,161
-(gasps): Brian, will you
-go with me?!
101
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:05,787
Are you going to kill
yourself if I don't?
102
00:04:05,871 --> 00:04:06,955
Yeah.
103
00:04:07,039 --> 00:04:09,082
Well, then my hands
are pretty much tied.
104
00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:10,959
Oh, Brian, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
105
00:04:11,043 --> 00:04:12,711
Oh, I have to buy
a new dress.
106
00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:14,546
All the ones I have
make me look fat.
107
00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:16,131
Aw...
108
00:04:16,215 --> 00:04:19,551
The story on everyone's mind
continues to be the absence
109
00:04:19,635 --> 00:04:22,262
of police officers in Quahog.
110
00:04:22,346 --> 00:04:25,224
Sir, as a citizen,
how has this affected you?
111
00:04:25,307 --> 00:04:26,892
The police are gone?
112
00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:28,769
Oh, my God,
we're finally safe!
113
00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:30,395
Freedom you see
114
00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:32,940
Has got our hearts
singing so joyfully
115
00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:34,483
Just look about
116
00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:36,693
You owe it to yourself
to check it out
117
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:40,822
Can't you feel
a brand-new day?
118
00:04:40,906 --> 00:04:44,785
Can't you
feel a brand-new day?
119
00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:48,830
Can't you feel
a brand-new day?
120
00:04:48,914 --> 00:04:52,417
Can't you
feel a brand-new day?
121
00:04:54,545 --> 00:04:55,587
Hey, Joe, where you been?
122
00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:57,089
We haven't seen
you in days.
123
00:04:57,172 --> 00:04:59,091
Ever since Mayor West
deployed the police
124
00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:01,927
to Cartagena, I've
been working nonstop.
125
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,887
The only reason I didn't
have to go myself
126
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:07,015
is that South America isn't
wheelchair accessible.
127
00:05:07,099 --> 00:05:08,725
Hey, you guys, we
should help Joe out.
128
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,102
We could be cops, right, Joe?
129
00:05:10,185 --> 00:05:13,105
Well, we have started
an emergency training program
130
00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:14,982
at the Police Academy,
131
00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:17,818
but I'm not sure that you're
cut out for the job.
132
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,945
Come on, we'll be great cops.
133
00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:22,573
Besides, it's bound to go better
than my deep-sea training.
134
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:25,200
Well, we've got long time
in this decompression chamber.
135
00:05:25,284 --> 00:05:27,119
You guys mind if I
turn on the radio?
136
00:05:27,202 --> 00:05:29,204
(hissing)
Peter, don't!
137
00:05:29,288 --> 00:05:31,331
Oh, nice going, jackass.
Look what you did.
138
00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:33,375
Hey, hey, excuse
the hell out of me
139
00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:35,669
for trying to brighten
your day with music, all right?
140
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:37,462
You idiot,
use your brain.
141
00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:38,672
You're an idiot.
142
00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:40,257
(all shouting)
143
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:41,925
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
144
00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:44,970
stop, stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop.
145
00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:47,139
Oh, man, we're going to need
some butter or something.
146
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,978
Oh, Brian, it is
so nice of you
147
00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:54,396
to take Meg to this dance.
148
00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:55,981
It really means
a lot to her.
149
00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:57,065
You got any weed?
150
00:05:57,149 --> 00:05:58,233
I put it in
your coat pocket.
151
00:05:58,317 --> 00:05:59,776
Here she is.
152
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,613
Brian, I present to you your polished turd
for the evening.
153
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:04,156
How do I look, Brian?
154
00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:07,618
Aw... you sure do, Meg.
155
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,995
FYI, the carpet
matches the drapes
156
00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:12,080
in color and length.
157
00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:16,376
Well, Brian,
here we go.
158
00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:18,670
Oh, this is going
to be so much fun.
159
00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:27,137
God, this is going
to be a long night.
160
00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:28,764
Oh, Brian, let's dance.
161
00:06:28,847 --> 00:06:30,599
This song kicks ass.
162
00:06:30,682 --> 00:06:34,144
Hold on to the night
163
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:40,108
Hold on to the memories
164
00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:43,737
Man, I got to tell ya, I can see
why you'd be insecure, Meg.
165
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:47,157
Some of these chicks
are unbelievable.
166
00:06:47,241 --> 00:06:48,951
Brian, can I
ask you something?
167
00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:51,537
Are you drinking so much
because you don't want to be here?
168
00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:52,996
No, no, Meg.
169
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,248
It's... that's...
170
00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:56,333
My God, look
at these chicks.
171
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,752
You know, the best thing
about these girls is,
172
00:06:58,836 --> 00:07:01,880
even if you're terrible,
they don't know the difference.
173
00:07:01,964 --> 00:07:04,258
You know, Meg, there's
no dogs allowed here,
174
00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:05,884
so you're going
to have to leave.
175
00:07:05,968 --> 00:07:07,261
But Brian can stay.
176
00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:08,470
(chuckles)
177
00:07:08,554 --> 00:07:10,097
You know, Connie, I think
I have a theory
178
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:11,181
about why you're
such a bitch.
179
00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,975
-Excuse me?
-Brian, let's just go.
180
00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:14,142
No, no, no,
no, no.
181
00:07:14,226 --> 00:07:15,769
Now hang on...
hang on, Meg, hang on.
182
00:07:15,853 --> 00:07:19,147
You see, Connie, you're popular
because you developed early
183
00:07:19,231 --> 00:07:21,108
and started putting out
when you were 12.
184
00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:23,277
But now you can't stand
to look at yourself in the mirror
185
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:24,903
because all you see
is a whore.
186
00:07:24,987 --> 00:07:27,322
So, you pick on Meg to avoid
the inevitable realization
187
00:07:27,406 --> 00:07:29,825
that once your body's
used up by age 19,
188
00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:30,993
you're going to be
189
00:07:31,076 --> 00:07:32,786
a worn-out,
chalky-skinned burlap sack
190
00:07:32,870 --> 00:07:34,121
that even your
step-dad won't want.
191
00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:35,706
How's that? Am I
in the ballpark?
192
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,332
(crying)
193
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,085
Brian, that
was amazing.
194
00:07:40,169 --> 00:07:41,795
No one's ever stood up
for me like that.
195
00:07:41,879 --> 00:07:42,921
Hey, no problem.
196
00:07:43,005 --> 00:07:44,673
She's a... she's a skank.
197
00:07:44,756 --> 00:07:46,300
You know, you don't...
you don't deserve...
198
00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:49,511
you don't deserve all the crap you get,
Meg, you know that?
199
00:07:49,595 --> 00:07:51,013
Thanks, Brian.
200
00:07:52,389 --> 00:07:58,353
Tell me why...
201
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,982
(retching)
202
00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:04,193
Sorry, that was
the booze, not you.
203
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:06,570
You gonna eat that?
204
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,744
Oh, yes, the day can begin.
205
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,245
Good morning, Brian.
206
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:17,039
Now we can do this
one of two ways.
207
00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:18,999
I can bust your balls
to pieces right now,
208
00:08:19,082 --> 00:08:20,876
or we can spread it out
over the course of the day.
209
00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:22,461
I don't want to
talk about it.
210
00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:24,630
Well, I do, so tell me everything
that happened at the dance.
211
00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:25,839
Morning, cutie.
212
00:08:25,923 --> 00:08:27,007
Uh, hey.
213
00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:29,426
I had so much fun last night,
Brian.
214
00:08:29,510 --> 00:08:31,845
Hey, I thought maybe we could
go get some coffee later.
215
00:08:31,929 --> 00:08:33,222
I-I don't think so.
216
00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:35,807
Oh, come on,
who's a good boy?
217
00:08:35,891 --> 00:08:38,185
Who's a good boy, huh?
Who's a good boy?
218
00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:39,269
Me.
219
00:08:39,353 --> 00:08:41,146
Oh, yes, yes, yes,
who's a good boy?
220
00:08:41,230 --> 00:08:42,856
I am.
I'm a good boy.
221
00:08:42,940 --> 00:08:44,358
But... no, no, no,
look, look...
222
00:08:44,441 --> 00:08:46,235
-I got stuff to do today,
-All right? Sorry.
223
00:08:46,318 --> 00:08:47,903
Well, we should
hook up anyway.
224
00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:49,154
I'll bug you later.
225
00:08:52,407 --> 00:08:54,701
Well, she seems to have
taken a shine to you, Brian.
226
00:08:54,785 --> 00:08:56,036
With a little encouragement,
227
00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:58,288
you might get her to put
her cankles behind her ears.
228
00:08:58,372 --> 00:08:59,373
Stewie, shut up.
229
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:00,457
(phone buzzing)
230
00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:03,377
Who the hell is texting
me at 8:00 a.m.?
231
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,338
Wait a minute.
232
00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:08,507
Something did happen
last night.
233
00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:10,634
Look, it's, it's not that
big a deal, all right?
234
00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:13,345
We just... we just...
made out a little.
235
00:09:13,428 --> 00:09:16,431
Ahhh! Tell me about it! Go.
236
00:09:16,515 --> 00:09:18,058
It didn't mean anything.
237
00:09:18,141 --> 00:09:19,726
I had a few too many and...
238
00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:21,186
it's, it's not even
worth going into.
239
00:09:21,270 --> 00:09:23,063
Oh, this is even
a bigger jackpot
240
00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:24,940
than when the Emperor
figured out the formula
241
00:09:25,023 --> 00:09:26,942
for great Star Wars dialogue.
242
00:09:27,025 --> 00:09:32,865
(sonorously): Something, something,
something, dark side...
243
00:09:32,948 --> 00:09:36,910
Something, something, something,
complete.
244
00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:55,053
Well, this is it.
245
00:09:55,137 --> 00:09:57,472
Our first day
of Police Academy IV.
246
00:09:57,556 --> 00:09:59,391
Welcome to the
Police Academy.
247
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:02,895
We're going to start by learning
how to do a cavity search.
248
00:10:02,978 --> 00:10:04,855
Peter, you will be
the police officer
249
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,732
and Quagmire, you
will be the suspect.
250
00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:07,941
Begin.
251
00:10:08,025 --> 00:10:10,944
Sir, I suspect you are in
possession of drugs,
252
00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:12,654
and I'm going to have to give
you a full cavity search.
253
00:10:12,738 --> 00:10:14,531
Drop your pants.
254
00:10:15,991 --> 00:10:18,869
-JOE: Uh, Peter, you don't have
-to pull your pants down.
255
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,579
Oh, sorry.
I'm still learning.
256
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,289
All right,
start the search.
257
00:10:32,216 --> 00:10:34,134
I think
that's everything.
258
00:10:34,218 --> 00:10:35,928
PERFORMANCE ARTIST:
You want me to double-check?
259
00:10:39,932 --> 00:10:41,391
Hi, honey.
260
00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:42,643
What?
261
00:10:42,726 --> 00:10:44,686
I was thinking about
our kiss last night.
262
00:10:44,770 --> 00:10:47,356
I never knew how flat
and wide your tongue was.
263
00:10:47,439 --> 00:10:49,024
Yeah...
264
00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:51,443
You know, I thought about how you stood up
for me at the dance,
265
00:10:51,527 --> 00:10:53,070
and all the nice things
you said.
266
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:56,156
We should totally
be boyfriend and girlfriend.
267
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:59,409
-Well, Meg, uh, you know what's
-strange?
268
00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:02,037
I-I-I think
I might be gay.
269
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,706
Um, I-I saw this penis
on the Internet today
270
00:11:04,790 --> 00:11:06,333
and I thought to myself,
271
00:11:06,416 --> 00:11:09,002
"Well, that's...
that's just fine."
272
00:11:09,086 --> 00:11:10,629
I'm going
to the mall later.
273
00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:13,966
Maybe you can come and help me pick out
some underwear.
274
00:11:14,049 --> 00:11:16,134
Uh, I don't think that's gonna be
a possibility.
275
00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:18,720
I have plans, um...
276
00:11:18,804 --> 00:11:19,888
with Chris.
277
00:11:19,972 --> 00:11:21,265
Chris and I have plans
this afternoon.
278
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,516
We do?
279
00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:24,101
Yeah, yeah, we're doing,
we're doing that thing.
280
00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:26,520
We're doing what
you usually do
281
00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:27,604
on a Thursday afternoon.
282
00:11:27,688 --> 00:11:28,814
Masturbate?
283
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:30,315
That's it. That's what
we're doing together.
284
00:11:30,399 --> 00:11:33,861
Well, maybe back to back,
but I gotta tell you
285
00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:35,529
I'm not 100% on this.
286
00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:38,156
Oh, there's the
cute prom couple.
287
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:39,491
Hi, Mom. Is it cool
288
00:11:39,575 --> 00:11:41,827
if Brian and I go
to the mall this afternoon?
289
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,328
Actually, I thought
I was pretty clear...
290
00:11:43,412 --> 00:11:45,205
Oh, of course
it's okay.
291
00:11:45,289 --> 00:11:48,417
Ever since that dance, you two have become
such good friends.
292
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:49,626
Who would
have thought?
293
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:51,295
Oh, we're more
than friends, Mom.
294
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:53,130
Last night
at the dance, Brian...
295
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,840
Last night, we decided
to be best friends.
296
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,967
Right, Meg? Come on.
Let's go to the mall.
297
00:11:57,050 --> 00:12:00,012
We'll get ya, get ya
a big ol' pretzel.
298
00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:01,221
I want a pretzel, too!
299
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:05,851
-CHRIS: Brian, I'm ready?
-You in or out?
300
00:12:13,692 --> 00:12:16,153
Everyone,
this is Brian.
301
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,071
Oh, this is Brian.
302
00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:19,531
He does look
like Ben Affleck.
303
00:12:19,615 --> 00:12:20,949
He looks just like
Ben Affleck.
304
00:12:21,033 --> 00:12:22,784
-Is that Ben Affleck?
-Hey.
305
00:12:22,868 --> 00:12:24,328
So, how did you guys meet?
306
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:26,705
I'm, uh, a friend
of her dad's.
307
00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:28,415
Ooh, he's older.
308
00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:29,499
He's cute.
309
00:12:29,583 --> 00:12:30,792
Do you have
a brother?
310
00:12:30,876 --> 00:12:33,212
Makeup and stickers
and ponies and mySpace.com.
311
00:12:33,295 --> 00:12:36,048
Brian's the first serious
boyfriend I've ever had.
312
00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:38,592
Uh, Meg, can I talk
to you for a second?
313
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:41,595
Look, this has gone
a little too far.
314
00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:43,597
I like you.
I think you're great,
315
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:46,099
but what happened
at the dance was...
316
00:12:46,183 --> 00:12:48,018
I mean, that kiss
was just a mistake.
317
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,520
Oh, no.
Did I do something wrong?
318
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:51,230
-Was it because I didn't sniff
-your butt first?
319
00:12:51,313 --> 00:12:52,898
What? No!
320
00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:55,067
I mean, yes, that's, that's how I would
know you're interested,
321
00:12:55,150 --> 00:12:57,444
but Meg, the fact is that
you and I are friends,
322
00:12:57,528 --> 00:12:59,613
and that's the way
it needs to stay.
323
00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:01,240
Besides, I have
a girlfriend.
324
00:13:01,323 --> 00:13:02,574
I'm dating Jillian.
325
00:13:02,658 --> 00:13:05,744
All right, Brian.
I understand.
326
00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:07,496
Good. I'm gonna
grab Stewie,
327
00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:08,580
and then we can go.
328
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:12,626
What's that, Brian?
Oh, you were just kidding.
329
00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:15,796
I know you were.
I love you, too, Brian.
330
00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:19,967
And you love me.
You do love me, Brian.
331
00:13:25,931 --> 00:13:26,932
Hey, Brian.
332
00:13:27,015 --> 00:13:28,100
Oh, Meg, hey.
333
00:13:28,183 --> 00:13:29,893
Hey, listen, I hope
you're feeling all right
334
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:31,228
about out little talk
the other day.
335
00:13:31,353 --> 00:13:33,689
You know, about us being
just friends and all.
336
00:13:33,772 --> 00:13:36,024
Oh, yeah.
No, I'm fine. I'm fine.
337
00:13:36,108 --> 00:13:40,279
-And hey, look, I wanted to thank you
-for being so great to me.
338
00:13:40,362 --> 00:13:42,364
So, I baked you a pie.
339
00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:43,448
Oh, wow.
340
00:13:43,532 --> 00:13:44,741
Hey, that looks delicious.
341
00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:46,952
Mmm, oh, this is good.
What's in there?
342
00:13:47,035 --> 00:13:50,205
Well, there's some
apples and some cinnamon
343
00:13:50,289 --> 00:13:52,374
and my hair.
What?
344
00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:54,334
My hair's in
the pie, Brian.
345
00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:56,336
And now it's
inside of you.
346
00:13:56,795 --> 00:14:00,465
Part of me is inside
of you, Brian.
347
00:14:00,591 --> 00:14:02,009
Do you feel me, Brian?
348
00:14:02,593 --> 00:14:05,262
Do you feel me inside of you?
349
00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:09,766
Ooh, you got
some pie, huh?
350
00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:11,935
-Can I have a piece?
-Uh, sure.
351
00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:13,854
Ooh, let me have
some of that Cool "Hwhip"?
352
00:14:13,937 --> 00:14:14,980
What'd you say?
353
00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:16,565
You can't have a pie
without Cool Hwhip.
354
00:14:16,648 --> 00:14:17,649
Cool Hwhip?
355
00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:18,775
Cool Hwhip, yeah.
356
00:14:18,859 --> 00:14:19,860
You mean Cool Whip.
357
00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:21,361
-Yeah, Cool Hwhip.
-Cool Whip.
358
00:14:21,445 --> 00:14:22,779
-Cool Hwhip.
-Cool Whip.
359
00:14:22,863 --> 00:14:24,323
-Cool Hwhip.
-You're saying it weird.
360
00:14:24,406 --> 00:14:25,866
Why are you putting so much emphasis
on the "H"?
361
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:27,034
What are you
talking about?
362
00:14:27,117 --> 00:14:28,118
I'm just saying it--
Cool Hwhip.
363
00:14:28,202 --> 00:14:29,203
You put Cool Hwhip
on pie.
364
00:14:29,286 --> 00:14:30,537
Pie tastes better
with Cool Hwhip.
365
00:14:30,621 --> 00:14:31,622
-Say "whip."
-Whip.
366
00:14:31,705 --> 00:14:32,831
Now say Cool Whip.
367
00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:34,249
-Cool Hwhip.
-Cool Whip.
368
00:14:34,333 --> 00:14:35,751
-Cool Hwhip.
-Cool Whip.
369
00:14:35,834 --> 00:14:37,503
-Cool Hwhip.
-You're eating hair!
370
00:14:39,338 --> 00:14:43,133
-Well, Lois, I am now a graduate of the
-Quahog Police Academy.
371
00:14:43,217 --> 00:14:45,135
and an official
on-duty cop.
372
00:14:45,219 --> 00:14:47,387
-(purrs) I can't believe
-I'm married
373
00:14:47,471 --> 00:14:49,848
to a big, scary
police officer.
374
00:14:49,932 --> 00:14:51,850
Just keep your eyes
on the eggs, ma'am.
375
00:14:51,934 --> 00:14:54,603
(shrieks)
Yes, officer!
376
00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:55,896
(shrieks, laughs)
377
00:14:55,979 --> 00:14:57,606
You are such
a dirty cop.
378
00:14:57,689 --> 00:14:58,941
Don't break
those yolks, ma'am.
379
00:14:59,024 --> 00:15:00,025
Ow!
380
00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:01,860
Oh, my God, Lois,
I hit you!
381
00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:04,988
-I know. Now stick your finger in there
-and twist it!
382
00:15:08,367 --> 00:15:10,869
-Hey, uh, Lois, can I talk to you
-for a second?
383
00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:12,871
I think we may have
a problem with Meg.
384
00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:14,122
You're telling me.
385
00:15:14,206 --> 00:15:15,999
She's been locked
in her room all day.
386
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:18,043
Who knows what
she's doing up there.
387
00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:20,712
(melancholy aria playing)
388
00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:30,055
Yeah, well,
the thing is,
389
00:15:30,138 --> 00:15:32,975
-Meg is becoming a little enamored
-with me,
390
00:15:33,058 --> 00:15:36,061
and I'm kind of
losing control of the situation.
391
00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:38,605
Oh, she's just grateful
you took her to the dance.
392
00:15:38,689 --> 00:15:41,024
Well, uh, I think
it's more than that.
393
00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:44,444
Uh, so, here's the thing,
and don't get mad.
394
00:15:44,528 --> 00:15:46,280
And that part I can't
stress enough.
395
00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:47,865
That's a great shirt,
by the way.
396
00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:51,952
Um, I may have
made out with Meg.
397
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:54,121
(grunts)
398
00:15:54,204 --> 00:15:55,455
Okay, I had that coming.
399
00:15:55,539 --> 00:15:57,958
-What the hell is wrong with you,
-you sick bastard?!
400
00:15:58,041 --> 00:15:59,126
Look, I was drinking...
401
00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:00,711
Oh, what a shock!
402
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:02,045
Oh-oh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
403
00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:03,797
Look, the short version
is, this morning,
404
00:16:03,881 --> 00:16:05,632
she made me eat
the hair in her pie.
405
00:16:05,716 --> 00:16:07,009
No, it's not what
you think.
406
00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:08,635
Stewie had some, too.
407
00:16:08,719 --> 00:16:09,720
Stop punching me!
408
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:11,597
Look, Brian,
I don't know
409
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,265
what the hell happened
between you two,
410
00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:16,435
but you'd better go upstairs
and straighten it out right now.
411
00:16:16,518 --> 00:16:19,062
Ugh! This is even worse
than when you ate that bubblegum
412
00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:20,397
out of the garbage.
413
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,442
-Brian, did you get into the garbage
-last night?
414
00:16:23,525 --> 00:16:25,319
Uh, no. Why?
415
00:16:25,402 --> 00:16:26,945
Don't lie to me, Brian.
416
00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:28,030
I'm not lying.
(farts)
417
00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:34,453
Uh, Meg, you got a minute?
418
00:16:38,749 --> 00:16:40,584
What the hell?
419
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,127
I made that
for you, Brian.
420
00:16:42,211 --> 00:16:44,046
Meg!
Look, you obviously
421
00:16:44,129 --> 00:16:46,548
didn't hear me yesterday,
so I'll explain it again.
422
00:16:46,632 --> 00:16:48,091
And here to assist me
is headmaster
423
00:16:48,175 --> 00:16:50,260
of the New York School
For The Hard of Hearing,
424
00:16:50,344 --> 00:16:51,386
Mr. Garret Morris.
425
00:16:51,470 --> 00:16:54,056
Meg, we're not boyfriend
and girlfriend.
426
00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:57,518
-(yelling): We're not boyfriend
-and girlfriend!
427
00:16:57,601 --> 00:16:59,353
I will never be
attracted to you.
428
00:16:59,436 --> 00:17:03,315
I will never be
attracted to you!
429
00:17:03,398 --> 00:17:05,901
You're acting like
a psycho bitch.
430
00:17:05,984 --> 00:17:08,987
You're acting
like a psycho bitch!
431
00:17:09,071 --> 00:17:11,198
Good night and have
a pleasant tomorrow.
432
00:17:11,281 --> 00:17:16,119
Good night and have a
pleasant tomorrow!
433
00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:20,832
I won't be ignored, Brian.
434
00:17:20,999 --> 00:17:22,918
Mm, I like your ass.
435
00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:32,135
(grunts)
436
00:17:36,515 --> 00:17:37,558
Joe, I gotta tell you,
437
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,017
this whole cop thing
ain't as exciting
438
00:17:39,101 --> 00:17:40,227
as I thought
it was gonna be.
439
00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:42,145
When do we get to shoot
some bad guys?
440
00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:44,106
Guys, it's not all about action.
441
00:17:44,189 --> 00:17:46,275
It's about staying vigilant
until you're needed.
442
00:17:46,358 --> 00:17:47,359
What are you doing?
443
00:17:47,442 --> 00:17:49,069
I'm watching Bonnie
undress.
444
00:17:49,152 --> 00:17:50,821
Bonnie's your wife.
445
00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:52,531
I know. I like to watch
her strip
446
00:17:52,614 --> 00:17:54,533
and pretend she's a woman
who I've never met,
447
00:17:54,658 --> 00:17:57,578
but who looks just like Bonnie
and lives in my house.
448
00:17:57,703 --> 00:17:59,830
Get naked, you strange whore!
449
00:17:59,913 --> 00:18:03,125
Peter, I haven't
seen Meg or Brian since last night.
450
00:18:03,208 --> 00:18:04,918
I think something
may have happened.
451
00:18:05,002 --> 00:18:08,255
Mom, is it bad if I saw
Meg tie up Brian
452
00:18:08,338 --> 00:18:10,424
last night, put him in
the trunk of his car
453
00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:11,633
and then drive away?
454
00:18:11,717 --> 00:18:14,386
What?! Chris,
why didn't you say anything?!
455
00:18:14,469 --> 00:18:16,555
I dropped the ball.
I'm sorry.
456
00:18:16,638 --> 00:18:19,141
I-I have just been
buried in paperwork
457
00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:20,809
for the past 72 hours.
458
00:18:20,893 --> 00:18:22,728
Oh, my God, Brian was right.
459
00:18:22,811 --> 00:18:24,563
Meg really must be obsessed
with him.
460
00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:26,190
Oh, Peter, we got
to find them.
461
00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:28,066
Don't worry, Lois,
we're the police,
462
00:18:28,150 --> 00:18:30,944
and we'll do our very best
to find Brian and girl Chris.
463
00:18:33,614 --> 00:18:34,823
I'm really having
464
00:18:34,907 --> 00:18:36,575
a great time
tonight, Brian.
465
00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:39,161
-I can't believe you went to all
-this trouble.
466
00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:40,829
Well, you know me.
467
00:18:40,913 --> 00:18:41,997
Oh, I do, Brian.
468
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,166
I know you so well.
469
00:18:44,249 --> 00:18:46,084
So, are you ready?
470
00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:47,169
For what?
471
00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:49,254
For the fun we're
gonna have, Brian.
472
00:18:49,338 --> 00:18:51,548
We're gonna have
fun tonight.
473
00:18:51,632 --> 00:18:57,054
Good, old-fashioned,
all-American fun.
474
00:18:57,179 --> 00:19:00,057
Listen, Meg, I'm not
gonna lie to you here.
475
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:01,475
I'm, I'm a little
uncomfortable.
476
00:19:01,558 --> 00:19:03,977
Oh, just relax.
We're gonna be here
477
00:19:04,061 --> 00:19:05,312
for a "hwhile."
478
00:19:05,395 --> 00:19:06,522
Well, I don't know if...
Wait. What?
479
00:19:06,605 --> 00:19:08,232
We're gonna be her
for a hwhile.
480
00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:10,526
-A hwhile?
-Yeah, a hwhile.
481
00:19:10,609 --> 00:19:11,610
You mean, a while.
482
00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:12,819
-A hwhile.
-A while.
483
00:19:12,903 --> 00:19:14,071
-A hwhile.
-A while.
484
00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:15,155
-A hwhile.
-A while.
485
00:19:15,239 --> 00:19:16,573
Brian, you're
acting "wheird."
486
00:19:16,657 --> 00:19:19,660
Oh, come on. That one doesn't
even have an "H" in it.
487
00:19:19,743 --> 00:19:21,119
Don't move, dirtbag!
488
00:19:21,203 --> 00:19:23,121
Holy crap,
what the hell is this?
489
00:19:23,247 --> 00:19:24,998
Brian, she's a teenager!
490
00:19:25,082 --> 00:19:26,792
Yeah, Brian, you're doing
the same thing
491
00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:28,627
that Mia Farrow
did to that Oriental guy
492
00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:30,254
that Woody Allen
brought home from the circus.
493
00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:31,547
Peter, hold on
to that thought,
494
00:19:31,630 --> 00:19:33,924
because I'm gonna
explain to you when we get home
495
00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:35,759
-all the things that are wrong
-with that statement.
496
00:19:35,843 --> 00:19:38,178
But first, Meg,
you need to let Brian go.
497
00:19:38,262 --> 00:19:40,264
But, Mom, I love him!
498
00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:41,974
Honey, you're just confused.
499
00:19:42,057 --> 00:19:43,767
I'm not confused!
500
00:19:43,851 --> 00:19:46,353
I've never been more certain
about anything in my life!
501
00:19:46,436 --> 00:19:47,938
I need him!
502
00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:50,983
Meg, I know that's what you think
right now, but you're...
503
00:19:51,066 --> 00:19:53,235
Oh, God, I wish
I could make you understand.
504
00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:55,195
You don't know
what you need.
505
00:19:55,279 --> 00:19:56,864
I know
what she needs.
506
00:19:56,947 --> 00:19:57,990
You do?
507
00:19:58,073 --> 00:19:59,408
You bet. Bring her
by my house
508
00:19:59,491 --> 00:20:01,326
around 8:30 tonight.
I'll take care of her.
509
00:20:01,410 --> 00:20:02,411
(doorbell rings)
510
00:20:04,288 --> 00:20:06,999
Hi, Mr. Quagmire. Mom said I should
come over here.
511
00:20:07,082 --> 00:20:08,125
Have a seat, Meg.
512
00:20:08,208 --> 00:20:10,169
Soon it'll all become clear.
513
00:20:11,170 --> 00:20:12,880
(soft piano music plays)
514
00:20:15,174 --> 00:20:17,593
Excuse me, while I get
a little more comfortable.
515
00:20:19,303 --> 00:20:22,097
Meg, I've watched you grow up
from a playful little girl
516
00:20:22,181 --> 00:20:23,932
into a very special
young woman.
517
00:20:24,016 --> 00:20:27,060
Now you probably just think
of me as square old Mr. Quagmire
518
00:20:27,144 --> 00:20:30,063
from next door, but I've been around
the block a few times,
519
00:20:30,147 --> 00:20:32,065
learned a couple things,
and I can tell you this,
520
00:20:32,149 --> 00:20:34,151
there's no reason
to grow up too fast.
521
00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:37,154
Teenage girls are exposed
to so much these days.
522
00:20:37,237 --> 00:20:39,615
I can see why a relationship
looks glamorous,
523
00:20:39,698 --> 00:20:41,408
but you've got all
the time in the world
524
00:20:41,491 --> 00:20:43,869
and a lot of wonderful
experiences ahead of ya.
525
00:20:43,952 --> 00:20:47,080
Hang on.
I want to give you something.
526
00:20:47,164 --> 00:20:49,625
This book helped me
when I was about your age.
527
00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:54,087
It let me know that as long
as I kept on rolling,
528
00:20:54,171 --> 00:20:57,007
I'd find that one person
who would make me whole.
529
00:20:57,090 --> 00:20:58,675
Thanks, Mr. Quagmire.
530
00:20:58,759 --> 00:21:00,177
You don't have
to thank me.
531
00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:02,888
Now get on out of here,
you little scamp.
532
00:21:06,058 --> 00:21:08,101
All right, ladies,
you ready for action?
533
00:21:08,185 --> 00:21:09,686
We sure are, Glen.
534
00:21:09,770 --> 00:21:11,230
Do you have
the "hwhip"?
535
00:21:11,313 --> 00:21:12,689
Got it right here...
wait. What?
536
00:21:14,900 --> 00:21:16,360
Hello, I'm Tom Tucker.
537
00:21:16,443 --> 00:21:17,528
Coming up at 11:00,
538
00:21:17,611 --> 00:21:19,071
Quahog police return
to active duty
539
00:21:19,154 --> 00:21:20,572
after giving up the search
540
00:21:20,656 --> 00:21:23,325
for fictitious Romancing The
Stone character Elaine Wilder.
541
00:21:23,408 --> 00:21:24,910
Plus, in national news,
542
00:21:24,993 --> 00:21:26,578
America's scoutmasters
are asking,
543
00:21:26,662 --> 00:21:28,664
"Why are the kids so shy
in the shower?"
544
00:21:28,747 --> 00:21:29,748
And in entertainment,
545
00:21:29,831 --> 00:21:31,834
is Annette Benning made
of leather?
546
00:21:31,917 --> 00:21:34,002
A local tanner
has a surprising revelation.
547
00:21:34,086 --> 00:21:35,754
We'll have all this
and what else, Ollie?
548
00:21:35,838 --> 00:21:36,839
-Sports!
-And sports.
549
00:21:36,922 --> 00:21:38,215
Join us at 11:00.
40062
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