Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

(over TV:)We now return to Rodney King of Queens.

Rodney, did you take out the trash?

Um, I forgot.

(grunting)

Oh, no she di-in't.

(doorbell rings)

Pizza for Adam West.

No. You gave me Canadian bacon instead of bacon?

This misdeed cannot go unpunished.

Pizza delivery man, prepare to meet your maker

at the hands of my cat launcher.

(screaming)

(cats yowling)

Hey, look, somebody tried to break

into the dirty movie store.

Quick, grab as many as you can before someone sees us.

Damn, I lost him.

All right, cats, back in the bag.

Come on, Fluffy. Come on, Mittens.

Come on, Paul.

(laughing): What a ridiculous name for a cat.

Paul! That's a person's name.

A person's name.

(laughing)

Oh, Paul.

Oh, man, this is going to be great.

Oh, are we watching a movie?

The lab results are back.

You've tested positive for nymphomania.

Oh, no, what should I do?

Take two of these and call us in the morning.

(zippers whizzing)

Oh, now that's not going to help her nymphomania.

It's only going to exacerbate it.

Oh, my God, what are you kids doing?

Out. Everybody out.

(all groaning)

STEWIE: That's bogus.

Chris, what is this?

Genital Hospital.

Yes, and it's inappropriate for someone your age.

Now, if you're curious about sex,

you should talk to your sex ed teacher.

We don't have one.

The principal cut sex ed class to save money.

What? Well, that's crazy.

Without sex ed, kids can wind up sexually confused.

Just look at Michael Jackson.

The kid in me likes the frosted side...

but the grown-up in me likes the kid in me.

Peter, do you know

they're not teaching sex ed at Chris' school?

Eh, let them figure it out the way I had to--

with a can of Crisco and a shot glass.

That's the natural way, Lois.

That's the natural way.

Well, somebody's got to step in.

Tomorrow, I'm going down to James Woods High

and offer to teach the class myself.

Hey, you could really make a difference.

Like I did when I taught money management

to those drug addicts.

There's a lot of ways for you guys to save money.

For example, you're all shooting up,

why not share needles?

That's a no-brainer.

More money in your wallet, more drugs in your veins.

My second piece of advice: have as many kids as you can,

'cause that makes it more likely

that one of those kids'll grow up and make it big in Hollywood.

Then who's paying the bills, eh?

Hollywood kid.

Class dismissed.

Good morning, everyone.

I'm Mrs. Griffin, your new sex ed teacher.

Now, you've probably heard all those rumors

that condoms make sex less pleasurable.

While that is a fact, they also make sex safer.

Sorry I'm late, Lois.

Peter, what are you doing here?

Lois, do you think I'm going to miss a chance to share

my knowledge with these fresh young minds?

Forget it, I've missed too many other opportunities.

There he is. Took you long enough.

Just what we need.

PETER'S VOICE: Hey, guys, I'm coming in.

(pieces groaning)

Oh, God. Oh, boy.

I am not going to hear the end of this.

You jackass. Now you've done it.

Idiot.

I know I don't fit here,

but I'm just going to settle right in.

All right, Peter, you can stay,

but remember, this is my class.

Now, there are a number of natural ways

that males and females interact, and...

That's right-- allow me to demonstrate.

Hey, Rainbow Brite.

Hello, Shakespeare.

I am all done writing plays for the day,

perhaps we could have sexual intercourse?

Count me in.

I say, look at this.

This toy has small parts.

Why the devil would they include small parts?

Unless... I'm supposed to eat them.

Of course, it all adds up!

Ow!

Oh, dear God, I've lost a tooth.

Dude, you're lucky.

If you put that under your pillow,

the Tooth Fairy will come and give you a dollar.

What? Did you say the Tooth Fairy comes here?

To our house?

She just breaks in like some hood?

Yeah, she creeps into your house at night

and comes into your room while you sleep.

Oh, my God!

And sometimes, just for the hell of it,

she cuts off a piece of her armpit hair

and places it gently on your tongue.

Oh, oh, God! Oh, God, I got to get out of here!

I got to get out of here! Stewie, calm down.

Get a hold of yourself.

Here, Brian, let me handle this.

Calm down. Everything's going to be all right.

Chris, you're wanted on the phone.

Everything's going to be all right.

(Stewie wailing)

Hey, Lois, I wanted to get some K-Y Jelly

for the class today,

but they were all out so I got Smucker's.

Peter, I don't know what you think you're doing,

but you ruined my sex ed class.

There's on way you're coming with me again.

Fine, but without my advice, those kids are going to be

as hopeless as Liam Neeson

when he tries to play an American cowboy.

But, Montana, when will you be back?

(dryly): That's none of your concern.

You got to take care of the offspring.

Gonna take a fortnight at least to get this herd down

to St. Louis on Mississippi.

This glen's gonna be tough to traverse,

and that river's got to be 50, 60 meters wide.

And God knows how many fathoms.

To hell with parliamentary procedure.

We've got to wrangle up some cattles.

What is going on here?

We're all protesting the sex ed class

that's being taught to our children.

Mrs. Griffin, I'm sorry to have to tell you this,

but the school board has voted to cancel your sex ed class.

Look, Principal Shepherd,

I know my husband acted inappropriately...

Oh, it's not because of your husband.

It's because you're teaching those kids about condoms.

What?

That's ridiculous.

These students have the right to information about safe sex.

Well, these parents don't think so.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin.

You're fired.

Fired?! Oh, no.

(Knight Rider pre-commercial theme playing)

I can't believe they fired you.

Can't you go down the school

and try to reason with them?

No, I'm banned from school property.

The PTA doesn't want me around their children.

Well, Lois, I think you did the right thing

by trying to inform these kids about safe sex.

And if the parents don't like it, that's their loss.

That's the problem, though.

It isn't their loss, it's the kids' loss.

I just hope they're getting the information they need.

All right, students, we have a special speaker today

who's going to educate you about sex.

Please welcome from the First Evangelical Church,

the Reverend Jerry Kirkwood and the Opal Ring Crusade.

Hey, kids, put your Walkmans down and listen up.

'Cause we're going to talk about sex.

(deep voice over speaker): Sex? Hang on there, Jerry.

God, what are you doing here?

GOD:I was just passing through on my way to see The Matrix.

-(laughing): We can relate to that. -No fake.

Well, God, I am here to talk to these kids about sex.

GOD: Uh-oh.

And why they shouldn't be having it.

That is boss.

Hey, you kids like Mad TV?

Well, we've got something almost as good.

Here they are-- The Opal Ring Players.

Boy, I sure had fun at the pizza parlor tonight, Debbie.

Yeah, Matthew, that pizza pie was delicious.

Hey, watch out, crazy driver.

That joker must have been from Jefferson High.

(laughing): They're our rivals.

Well, here we are at the make-out point.

Yeah. You want to go all the way?

Freeze!

Now, who can tell me what Matthew just did wrong?

I mean, besides not running over that yahoo from Jefferson High.

(laughing): They're our rivals.

He's wrong 'cause he wants to have sex and he's not married.

Bingo.

Wow, you're pretty smart.

Thanks. My name's Doug.

I'm Meg.

(romantic music swells)

Now, look, let's rap for a second.

He's sitting informally like us.

Let's hear what he has to say.

Jefferson High is our rival.

Sure, sex is fun, but you can't have it

before you're married, even if you use a condom.

Because not only to condoms fail 100% of the time,

they're also majorly unsafe.

Hey, you wouldn't put a plastic bag

over your grandmother's head, would you?

ALL: No.

And that's why we're gonna be

handing out these opal rings.

These rings are a symbol of your commitment to refrain from sex

until you're married.

So what do you say?

Who wants to be joyful?

Who wants to be pure?

Who wants to be... abstinent?

(cheering)

Wow, he makes so much sense.

I know, he's a visionary,

like Gandhi or Mozart or Picasso.

Ladies and gentlemen, my newest work.

Now, I know this person looks a little mixed up,

but, watch carefully.

If I move this down here, and this over here

and this part here... anyone tell who it is yet?

No? Okay, well, what if I move this here and this here...

Then it's Dianne Wiest.

All right, men, your mission tonight

is to stave off the invading forces of the Tooth Fairy.

SpongeBob, you watch the East.

StarScream, you take the West.

And Man-E-Faces, you take center patrol

since you have many faces.

(gasps)

(screaming)

Hey, hey, hey, it's okay.

It's morning. Is it?

Ha! I knew it!

I scared her off.

Uh, you might want to check under your pillow.

(Stewie gasps)

How did she get in?

She must have been quieter

than Britney Spears' dietician.

(wimpish): Ea-Easy on those trans fats.

N-Not everything needs gravy.

You know, there's some carrots down at the other end.

That-that cheesecake was for everyone.

Her hand was right beneath my pillow.

She could have snapped my neck if she had a mind to.

Don't worry about it.

I'm sure it will be a while before you lose another tooth.

I can't wait for that.

I have to lure her back on my terms

and kill her myself!

But to catch a fairy, I have to think like a fairy.

ANNOUNCER: If you want Brian to say,

Well, that'll be a stretch" text-message FAMGUY1.

If you want Brian to say,

"I'm not touching that one," text FAMGUY2.

If you want Brian to say,

"Arriba!" and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3.

Enter now.

(soft music playing)

Thanks for voting.

Arriba!

(Latin music playing)

(over TV): We now return to Laguna Beach.

Like, right? I know.

Whatever, because-- duh! I know, right?

Whatever, because I mean, like, totally full out.

Full on. Right?

I guess it's not easy growing up anywhere.

Hey, Dad, check out my abstinence ring.

It means I made a pledge not to have sex.

That's crazy! You can't give up sex.

You've got a responsibility.

You see, Meg, you're what they call a "practice girl."

Dad, look at the facts about sex.

"If you have sex, your penis will fall off

"and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs

who will eat it."

Well, that's something I'd like to avoid.

Well, this changes everything.

From now on, I, too, will be obstinate.

Abstinent. Absinthe.

Abstinent. You're grounded.

All right, getting a tooth to lure that damn fairy back

shouldn't be too difficult.

(snoring)

I'd love to dance, Fred Savage. Mm...

Gosh, Meg, I really wish

we could take our relationship to the next level.

I know, I feel the same way,

but we made a decision to be abstinent.

Of course, there are ways we could keep our pledge

and still do other things.

You're right.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Uh-huh.

Oh, there it is. I see it.

You know, Roy,

I hope you play squash better than you pass.

Well, we'll find out this Saturday.

(both laugh)

LOIS: All right, Peter,

you ready for role-playing night?

Here comes, Grimace,

You got some burgers I can steal, huh?

Lois, the Hamburglar steals hamburgers.

Grimace is Ronald McDonald's autistic friend.

Oh, come on, you love the dirty-talking Grimace.

You... Peter, what the hell is this?

My chastity belt.

A chastity belt?

What in God's name is that for?

I'm abstinent, Lois.

It's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school.

Sex turns straight people gay and turn gays into Mexicans.

Everyone goes down a notch.

(scoffs) This is nonsense.

You can't force abstinence on kids.

Lois, what possible harm can abstinence do?

Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk.

(gasps)

Mom!

Oh, my God!

You kids were doing it... in the ear!

Hey, my sandwich tastes funny.

Is there something wrong with the Smucker's?

PETER: Yeah, it's been on my crotch.

Meg, I still cannot believe

what you and Doug did last night.

Mom, you don't understand.

Doug and I are abstinent,

but if we have sex in the ear, it doesn't count.

We're still pure in the eyes of the Lord.

Meg, when I was your age, my parents tried to feed me

the same nonsense about premarital sex.

You're lying to yourself.

Well, I don't care what you think!

Doug and I are part of the Opal Ring Crusade,

and this is how we choose to express our love.

Look, Meg, A: ear sex is just unnatural,

and B... how do I say this?

Vaginal intercourse is... it's just tops.

It's the bee's knees, Meg.

Oh, when you rattle it around just right-- oh, my God!

I mean, you remember when we had that old car with the bad shocks

and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose?

Meg... Meg?

I love you.

In local news, a sexy new trend

has emerged at James Woods High.

That's right, Tom.

It appears that students have taken to having ear sex

in lieu of traditional intercourse.

Over 200 reports of ear sex have been confirmed so far,

prompting a new slogan:

"Once you go black, you go deaf."

Brian, I'll be right back.

I'm going to use the little girl's room.

All right, baby.

(groans) An entire week and still no teeth.

And it turns out these teeth I got

from the old man are phony.

Brian, Brian, look, I'm Gary Busey.

I'm frequently aggressive

in situations that don't call for it.

(girl vomiting)

What the hell is that?

Ah, it's Jillian.

She's, uh... she has this eating disorder.

She's bulimic.

My God, that's horrible!

I know, it really is.

I mean, her hair is falling out.

Last week she lost a tooth.

Really?

But man, I'll tell ya, all that purging

just makes her body look fantastic.

I mean, that's what the supermodels do.

And so many of them just look so great.

(vomiting continues)

Karen Carpenter overdid it,

but I think Jillian's found a good balance.

I'm really surprised you invited me out for dinner, Stevie.

Oh, well, you know, I just wanted to touch base,

see how everything's... It's "Stewie," by the way.

Just to check in, make sure everything's going well

with you and Brian.

It's going kickass!

Well, you look fantastic.

Got some meat on your bones, which is great.

What?

Just saying you look jolly,

like Ruben Studdard or John Goodman or Santa.

Oh, my God. Are you saying I'm fat?

No, I'm saying Santa's thin.

-Get in there and throw up! -(gasps)

Excellent. Now I'm prepared to fight the Tooth Fairy

just like Gerri fought comedy on The Facts of Life.

Hey, Blair, did you find a purse at the mall?

Actually, I found seven.

(audience laughs)

One for every day of the week.

(audience groans)

I'm wide awake, Peter.

You want to mess around?

Lois, you know I'm abstinent.

(scoffs) Come on.

Can't you break your stupid pledge for one night?

Well, I guess we do both have needs.

(both cooing)

Oh, Peter.

(Lois laughs)

Wh-What are you doing?

What? Peter, what are you doing to my ear?!

Get off of me!

What the hell is wrong with you?!

This is all I can do, Lois; I'm abstinent.

That is it.

I am going to have regular sex with you

whether you like it or not. No!

I wasn't asking your permission.

No, no, no! I'm abstinent!

This is an affront to the Lord!

No! No!

(weeping)

No!

Oh, I see what you're driving at.

Oh, that was fantastic.

Hey, when'd you get that tattoo on your lower back?

I don't know, Peter.

-Meth is a hell of a drug. -What?

I'm just glad to have you back on my side.

I only wish I could convince Meg and her classmates, too.

We'll show 'em somehow, Lois.

I'll be more convincing than Mel Gibson

when he apologized to the Jews.

I'm really, really sorry about your big noses.

I'm really sorry about how greedy you are.

But most of all, I'm really sorry

about your dirty, underhanded, backstabbing ways.

Your number-one dirty Jew fan, Mel Gibson.

(low humming)

All right, Tooth Whore, do your worst.

(alarm ringing) Aha!

Stewie, what the hell? Get me down from here.

No, way, man! How do I know you're

not the Tooth Fairy in disguise?

Your middle name is Gilligan. Not good enough!

You think my girlfriend's a moron.

So does everyone!

You have a picture of Chris Noth in your wallet.

Okay.

Stewie, this is ridiculous.

There's something I have to tell you.

The Tooth Fairy isn't real.

What?!

Look, I didn't want to burst your bubble

since you're just a kid,

but, yeah, she's all smoke and mirrors

just like Harry Houdini.

But I don't want to play bridge

with the Petersons tonight.

Harry, we agreed weeks ago, and we're going.

All right, fine, let me get my coat.

Oh, wait a second!

Damn it! I am not going by myself!

Ah, you bitch.

Oh, very well then.

I suppose that bile- spewing skirt of yours

can have her tooth back.

What? It's gone!

Whoa, I wonder what happened to it?

(sniffing)

Ah...

(bleep) yeah!

Peter, how are we going to get past the guard?

Lois, I think I just got an idea.

You see that guy with the overcoat?

He's tall enough for us to sneak in behind him.

Come on!

So remember, sex is bad, immoral, and wrong.

And if you have sex,

you're automatically in Al Qaeda.

Kids, do not listen to this man.

He is wrong-- he is feeding you lies.

Now, look, it's true.

You shouldn't have sex until you're ready.

You should wait until you're in love.

But I mean, hey, we're all human, huh?

We have urges, and they are perfectly natural.

And if you do make the choice to act on them,

make sure you protect yourselves,

use a condom.

I'm going to use condoms.

Me, too!

Maybe I'll use two condoms at the same time.

Why would you do that?

Oh, I mean, just one, just one.

Doug, my mom's right.

If we really care about each other,

it's okay to have sex.

We'll be safe.

We'll use a condom, and it'll be wonderful.

Wow! Does this mean I'll see you naked?

Yeah.

Oh, boy, I can't wait.

I'm sorry Doug dumped you, honey.

It's all your fault!

I'm proud of you, sweetheart.

Me, too, Lois.

You stood up for what you believe in.

I just wish I could have been there

to hear the speech you made.

You think you could give me a little taste?

ANNOUNCER:If you want to hear Lois' speech, text-message FAMGUY1.

If you want to hear Megtalk about her day, text-FAMGUY2.

If you want to give Cleveland

his first lineof the episode, textFAMGUY3.

Enter now.

(soft music plays)

Thanks for voting.

Hey, y'all, sock it to me!