All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S05E06.Prick.Up.Your.Ears.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-PHOENiX_track3_[eng]

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

(over TV:)We now return
to Rodney King of Queens.

Rodney, did you
take out the trash?

Um, I forgot.

(grunting)

Oh, no she di-in't.

(doorbell rings)

Pizza for Adam West.

No. You gave me Canadian bacon
instead of bacon?

This misdeed cannot go
unpunished.

Pizza delivery man,
prepare to meet your maker

at the hands
of my cat launcher.

(screaming)

(cats yowling)

Hey, look, somebody
tried to break

into the dirty
movie store.

Quick, grab as many as you can
before someone sees us.

Damn, I lost him.

All right, cats,
back in the bag.

Come on, Fluffy.
Come on, Mittens.

Come on, Paul.

(laughing):
What a ridiculous name for a cat.

Paul!
That's a person's name.

A person's name.

(laughing)

Oh, Paul.

Oh, man, this is
going to be great.

Oh, are we watching
a movie?

The lab results are back.

You've tested positive
for nymphomania.

Oh, no, what
should I do?

Take two of these and
call us in the morning.

(zippers whizzing)

Oh, now that's not going
to help her nymphomania.

It's only going
to exacerbate it.

Oh, my God, what are
you kids doing?

Out. Everybody out.

(all groaning)

STEWIE:
That's bogus.

Chris, what is this?

Genital Hospital.

Yes, and it's inappropriate
for someone your age.

Now, if you're curious
about sex,

you should talk
to your sex ed teacher.

We don't have one.

The principal cut sex ed class
to save money.

What? Well, that's crazy.

Without sex ed, kids can
wind up sexually confused.

Just look at
Michael Jackson.

The kid in me likes
the frosted side...

but the grown-up in me
likes the kid in me.

Peter, do you know

they're not teaching sex ed
at Chris' school?

Eh, let them figure it
out the way I had to--

with a can of Crisco
and a shot glass.

That's the natural
way, Lois.

That's the natural way.

Well, somebody's got
to step in.

Tomorrow, I'm going down
to James Woods High

and offer to teach
the class myself.

Hey, you could really
make a difference.

Like I did when I taught
money management

to those drug addicts.

There's a lot of ways
for you guys to save money.

For example, you're
all shooting up,

why not share needles?

That's a no-brainer.

More money in your wallet,
more drugs in your veins.

My second piece of advice:
have as many kids as you can,

'cause that makes it
more likely

that one of those kids'll grow
up and make it big in Hollywood.

Then who's paying
the bills, eh?

Hollywood kid.

Class dismissed.

Good morning, everyone.

I'm Mrs. Griffin, your new
sex ed teacher.

Now, you've probably heard
all those rumors

that condoms make sex
less pleasurable.

While that is a fact,
they also make sex safer.

Sorry I'm late, Lois.

Peter, what are
you doing here?

Lois, do you think I'm going
to miss a chance to share

my knowledge with these
fresh young minds?

Forget it, I've missed
too many other opportunities.

There he is.
Took you long enough.

Just what we need.

PETER'S VOICE:
Hey, guys, I'm coming in.

(pieces groaning)

Oh, God. Oh, boy.

I am not going
to hear the end of this.

You jackass.
Now you've done it.

Idiot.

I know I don't
fit here,

but I'm just going
to settle right in.

All right, Peter,
you can stay,

but remember,
this is my class.

Now, there are
a number of natural ways

that males and females
interact, and...

That's right--
allow me to demonstrate.

Hey, Rainbow Brite.

Hello, Shakespeare.

I am all done writing
plays for the day,

perhaps we could have
sexual intercourse?

Count me in.

I say, look at this.

This toy has small parts.

Why the devil would they
include small parts?

Unless...
I'm supposed to eat them.

Of course, it all adds up!

Ow!

Oh, dear God, I've lost a tooth.

Dude, you're lucky.

If you put that
under your pillow,

the Tooth Fairy will come
and give you a dollar.

What? Did you say
the Tooth Fairy comes here?

To our house?

She just breaks in
like some hood?

Yeah, she creeps into
your house at night

and comes into your
room while you sleep.

Oh, my God!

And sometimes, just
for the hell of it,

she cuts off a piece
of her armpit hair

and places it gently
on your tongue.

Oh, oh, God! Oh, God,
I got to get out of here!

I got to get out of here!
Stewie, calm down.

Get a hold of yourself.

Here, Brian, let
me handle this.

Calm down. Everything's
going to be all right.

Chris, you're wanted
on the phone.

Everything's going
to be all right.

(Stewie wailing)

Hey, Lois, I wanted to
get some K-Y Jelly

for the class today,

but they were all out
so I got Smucker's.

Peter, I don't know what
you think you're doing,

but you ruined
my sex ed class.

There's on way you're
coming with me again.

Fine, but without my advice,
those kids are going to be

as hopeless as Liam Neeson

when he tries to play
an American cowboy.

But, Montana,
when will you be back?

(dryly): That's none of
your concern.

You got to take care
of the offspring.

Gonna take a fortnight at
least to get this herd down

to St. Louis
on Mississippi.

This glen's gonna be
tough to traverse,

and that river's got to
be 50, 60 meters wide.

And God knows
how many fathoms.

To hell with
parliamentary procedure.

We've got to wrangle
up some cattles.

What is going on here?

We're all protesting
the sex ed class

that's being taught
to our children.

Mrs. Griffin, I'm sorry
to have to tell you this,

but the school board has voted
to cancel your sex ed class.

Look, Principal Shepherd,

I know my husband
acted inappropriately...

Oh, it's not because
of your husband.

It's because you're teaching
those kids about condoms.

What?

That's ridiculous.

These students have the right
to information about safe sex.

Well, these parents
don't think so.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin.

You're fired.

Fired?! Oh, no.

(Knight Rider pre-commercial
theme playing)

I can't believe
they fired you.

Can't you go down
the school

and try to reason
with them?

No, I'm banned from
school property.

The PTA doesn't want me
around their children.

Well, Lois, I think
you did the right thing

by trying to inform
these kids about safe sex.

And if the parents don't
like it, that's their loss.

That's the problem, though.

It isn't their loss,
it's the kids' loss.

I just hope they're getting
the information they need.

All right, students, we have
a special speaker today

who's going to educate you
about sex.

Please welcome from
the First Evangelical Church,

the Reverend Jerry Kirkwood
and the Opal Ring Crusade.

Hey, kids, put your Walkmans
down and listen up.

'Cause we're going to talk
about sex.

(deep voice over speaker):
Sex? Hang on there, Jerry.

God, what are you doing here?

GOD:I was just passing through
on my way to see The Matrix.

-(laughing): We can relate to that.
-No fake.

Well, God, I am here
to talk to these kids about sex.

GOD:
Uh-oh.

And why they shouldn't
be having it.

That is boss.

Hey, you kids like Mad TV?

Well, we've got something
almost as good.

Here they are--
The Opal Ring Players.

Boy, I sure had fun at the pizza parlor
tonight, Debbie.

Yeah, Matthew, that
pizza pie was delicious.

Hey, watch out,
crazy driver.

That joker must have been
from Jefferson High.

(laughing):
They're our rivals.

Well, here we are
at the make-out point.

Yeah. You want
to go all the way?

Freeze!

Now, who can tell me what
Matthew just did wrong?

I mean, besides not running over
that yahoo from Jefferson High.

(laughing):
They're our rivals.

He's wrong 'cause he wants to have sex
and he's not married.

Bingo.

Wow, you're pretty smart.

Thanks. My name's Doug.

I'm Meg.

(romantic music swells)

Now, look, let's rap
for a second.

He's sitting informally
like us.

Let's hear what he has to say.

Jefferson High
is our rival.

Sure, sex is fun,
but you can't have it

before you're married,
even if you use a condom.

Because not only to condoms fail
100% of the time,

they're also majorly unsafe.

Hey, you wouldn't put
a plastic bag

over your grandmother's head,
would you?

ALL:
No.

And that's why we're gonna be

handing out these opal rings.

These rings are a symbol of your
commitment to refrain from sex

until you're married.

So what do you say?

Who wants to be joyful?

Who wants to be pure?

Who wants to be... abstinent?

(cheering)

Wow, he makes
so much sense.

I know, he's a visionary,

like Gandhi or Mozart
or Picasso.

Ladies and gentlemen,
my newest work.

Now, I know this person
looks a little mixed up,

but, watch carefully.

If I move this down here,
and this over here

and this part here...
anyone tell who it is yet?

No? Okay, well, what if I move
this here and this here...

Then it's Dianne Wiest.

All right, men,
your mission tonight

is to stave off the invading
forces of the Tooth Fairy.

SpongeBob, you watch the East.

StarScream, you take the West.

And Man-E-Faces,
you take center patrol

since you have many faces.

(gasps)

(screaming)

Hey, hey, hey,
it's okay.

It's morning.
Is it?

Ha! I knew it!

I scared her off.

Uh, you might want to check
under your pillow.

(Stewie gasps)

How did she get in?

She must have been quieter

than Britney Spears'
dietician.

(wimpish): Ea-Easy
on those trans fats.

N-Not everything
needs gravy.

You know, there's some carrots
down at the other end.

That-that cheesecake
was for everyone.

Her hand was right
beneath my pillow.

She could have snapped my
neck if she had a mind to.

Don't worry about it.

I'm sure it will be a while
before you lose another tooth.

I can't wait for that.

I have to lure her back
on my terms

and kill her myself!

But to catch a fairy,
I have to think like a fairy.

ANNOUNCER:
If you want Brian to say,

Well, that'll be a stretch"
text-message FAMGUY1.

If you want Brian to say,

"I'm not touching that one,"
text FAMGUY2.

If you want Brian to say,

"Arriba!" and dance around
a sombrero, text FAMGUY3.

Enter now.

(soft music playing)

Thanks for voting.

Arriba!

(Latin music playing)

(over TV):
We now return to Laguna Beach.

Like, right?
I know.

Whatever, because-- duh!
I know, right?

Whatever, because I mean,
like, totally full out.

Full on.
Right?

I guess it's not easy
growing up anywhere.

Hey, Dad, check out
my abstinence ring.

It means I made a
pledge not to have sex.

That's crazy!
You can't give up sex.

You've got a responsibility.

You see, Meg, you're what
they call a "practice girl."

Dad, look at the
facts about sex.

"If you have sex,
your penis will fall off

"and land in another dimension
populated entirely by dogs

who will eat it."

Well, that's something
I'd like to avoid.

Well, this changes everything.

From now on,
I, too, will be obstinate.

Abstinent.
Absinthe.

Abstinent.
You're grounded.

All right, getting a tooth
to lure that damn fairy back

shouldn't be too difficult.

(snoring)

I'd love to dance,
Fred Savage. Mm...

Gosh, Meg,
I really wish

we could take our relationship
to the next level.

I know, I feel
the same way,

but we made a decision
to be abstinent.

Of course, there are ways
we could keep our pledge

and still do
other things.

You're right.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Uh-huh.

Oh, there it is.
I see it.

You know, Roy,

I hope you play squash
better than you pass.

Well, we'll find out
this Saturday.

(both laugh)

LOIS:
All right, Peter,

you ready for
role-playing night?

Here comes, Grimace,

You got some burgers
I can steal, huh?

Lois, the Hamburglar
steals hamburgers.

Grimace is Ronald McDonald's
autistic friend.

Oh, come on, you love the
dirty-talking Grimace.

You... Peter, what
the hell is this?

My chastity belt.

A chastity belt?

What in God's name
is that for?

I'm abstinent, Lois.

It's all in these pamphlets
Meg brought home from school.

Sex turns straight people gay
and turn gays into Mexicans.

Everyone goes down
a notch.

(scoffs)
This is nonsense.

You can't force
abstinence on kids.

Lois, what possible
harm can abstinence do?

Meg Griffin,
we need to have a talk.

(gasps)

Mom!

Oh, my God!

You kids were doing it...
in the ear!

Hey, my sandwich
tastes funny.

Is there something
wrong with the Smucker's?

PETER:
Yeah, it's been on my crotch.

Meg, I still cannot believe

what you and Doug did
last night.

Mom, you don't understand.

Doug and I are abstinent,

but if we have sex in the ear,
it doesn't count.

We're still pure
in the eyes of the Lord.

Meg, when I was your age,
my parents tried to feed me

the same nonsense
about premarital sex.

You're lying to yourself.

Well, I don't care
what you think!

Doug and I are part of
the Opal Ring Crusade,

and this is how we choose
to express our love.

Look, Meg, A:
ear sex is just unnatural,

and B...
how do I say this?

Vaginal intercourse is...
it's just tops.

It's the bee's knees, Meg.

Oh, when you rattle it around
just right-- oh, my God!

I mean, you remember when we had
that old car with the bad shocks

and I used to take
the old dirt road on purpose?

Meg... Meg?

I love you.

In local news,
a sexy new trend

has emerged
at James Woods High.

That's right, Tom.

It appears that students
have taken to having ear sex

in lieu of traditional
intercourse.

Over 200 reports of ear sex
have been confirmed so far,

prompting a new slogan:

"Once you go black,
you go deaf."

Brian,
I'll be right back.

I'm going to use
the little girl's room.

All right, baby.

(groans) An entire week
and still no teeth.

And it turns out
these teeth I got

from the old man
are phony.

Brian, Brian, look,
I'm Gary Busey.

I'm frequently aggressive

in situations
that don't call for it.

(girl vomiting)

What the hell is that?

Ah, it's Jillian.

She's, uh... she has
this eating disorder.

She's bulimic.

My God, that's horrible!

I know, it really is.

I mean, her hair
is falling out.

Last week she
lost a tooth.

Really?

But man, I'll tell ya,
all that purging

just makes her body
look fantastic.

I mean, that's what
the supermodels do.

And so many of them
just look so great.

(vomiting continues)

Karen Carpenter
overdid it,

but I think Jillian's
found a good balance.

I'm really surprised you invited me out
for dinner, Stevie.

Oh, well, you know,
I just wanted to touch base,

see how everything's...
It's "Stewie," by the way.

Just to check in, make sure
everything's going well

with you and Brian.

It's going kickass!

Well, you look
fantastic.

Got some meat on your bones,
which is great.

What?

Just saying
you look jolly,

like Ruben Studdard
or John Goodman or Santa.

Oh, my God. Are
you saying I'm fat?

No, I'm saying
Santa's thin.

-Get in there and throw up!
-(gasps)

Excellent. Now I'm prepared
to fight the Tooth Fairy

just like Gerri fought comedy
on The Facts of Life.

Hey, Blair, did you find
a purse at the mall?

Actually, I
found seven.

(audience laughs)

One for every day
of the week.

(audience groans)

I'm wide awake, Peter.

You want to
mess around?

Lois, you know
I'm abstinent.

(scoffs)
Come on.

Can't you break your stupid
pledge for one night?

Well, I guess we
do both have needs.

(both cooing)

Oh, Peter.

(Lois laughs)

Wh-What are you doing?

What? Peter, what are
you doing to my ear?!

Get off of me!

What the hell
is wrong with you?!

This is all I can do,
Lois; I'm abstinent.

That is it.

I am going to have
regular sex with you

whether you like it or not.
No!

I wasn't asking
your permission.

No, no, no!
I'm abstinent!

This is an affront
to the Lord!

No! No!

(weeping)

No!

Oh, I see what
you're driving at.

Oh, that was fantastic.

Hey, when'd you get that tattoo
on your lower back?

I don't know, Peter.

-Meth is a hell of a drug.
-What?

I'm just glad to have
you back on my side.

I only wish I could convince Meg and her
classmates, too.

We'll show 'em somehow, Lois.

I'll be more convincing
than Mel Gibson

when he apologized to the Jews.

I'm really, really sorry
about your big noses.

I'm really sorry
about how greedy you are.

But most of all,
I'm really sorry

about your dirty, underhanded,
backstabbing ways.

Your number-one dirty Jew fan,
Mel Gibson.

(low humming)

All right, Tooth Whore,
do your worst.

(alarm ringing)
Aha!

Stewie, what the hell?
Get me down from here.

No, way, man! How
do I know you're

not the Tooth Fairy
in disguise?

Your middle name
is Gilligan. Not good enough!

You think my girlfriend's
a moron.

So does everyone!

You have a picture
of Chris Noth in your wallet.

Okay.

Stewie, this is ridiculous.

There's something
I have to tell you.

The Tooth Fairy
isn't real.

What?!

Look, I didn't want
to burst your bubble

since you're just a kid,

but, yeah, she's all smoke
and mirrors

just like Harry Houdini.

But I don't want
to play bridge

with the Petersons
tonight.

Harry, we agreed weeks ago,
and we're going.

All right, fine,
let me get my coat.

Oh, wait a second!

Damn it! I am not going
by myself!

Ah, you bitch.

Oh, very well then.

I suppose that bile-
spewing skirt of yours

can have her tooth back.

What? It's gone!

Whoa, I wonder
what happened to it?

(sniffing)

Ah...

(bleep) yeah!

Peter, how are we going
to get past the guard?

Lois, I think I
just got an idea.

You see that guy
with the overcoat?

He's tall enough for us to sneak
in behind him.

Come on!

So remember, sex is bad,
immoral, and wrong.

And if you have sex,

you're automatically
in Al Qaeda.

Kids, do not listen to this man.

He is wrong--
he is feeding you lies.

Now, look, it's true.

You shouldn't have sex
until you're ready.

You should wait
until you're in love.

But I mean, hey,
we're all human, huh?

We have urges,
and they are perfectly natural.

And if you do make the choice
to act on them,

make sure you protect
yourselves,

use a condom.

I'm going to
use condoms.

Me, too!

Maybe I'll use two
condoms at the same time.

Why would you do that?

Oh, I mean, just
one, just one.

Doug, my mom's right.

If we really care
about each other,

it's okay to have sex.

We'll be safe.

We'll use a condom,
and it'll be wonderful.

Wow! Does this mean
I'll see you naked?

Yeah.

Oh, boy, I can't wait.

I'm sorry Doug
dumped you, honey.

It's all your fault!

I'm proud of you,
sweetheart.

Me, too, Lois.

You stood up
for what you believe in.

I just wish
I could have been there

to hear the speech you made.

You think you could
give me a little taste?

ANNOUNCER:If you want to hear Lois'
speech, text-message FAMGUY1.

If you want to hear Megtalk about
her day, text-FAMGUY2.

If you want to give Cleveland

his first lineof the episode,
textFAMGUY3.

Enter now.

(soft music plays)

Thanks for voting.

Hey, y'all,
sock it to me!