All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S05E05.Whistle.While.Your.Wife.Works.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-PHOENiX_track3_[eng]

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Aah!
(grunting)

Ah, ow, damn it!

Peter,
are you all right?

No, no, I think
you should call somebody.

Ma'am, are
you all right?

I can't... breathe.

Oh, God, I think she
punctured a lung.

Aw, damn it,
look at my foot.

It's already starting
to swell up.

God, I'm looking forward
to this week.

Freaking swelled foot all week.

You know, we should-we should...

You should probably go ahead
and shut that off.

Oh, hey, Quagmire,
how was Florida?

Oh, it was great.
And guess what?

I smuggled a whole bunch
of fireworks back in my anus.

Uh, Quagmire, fireworks
aren't illegal here.

You could have just
put them in your car

and driven them up here.

(scoffs)
Yeah, that's just as fun.

All right, Meg.

-You be David Koresh and I'll be a heavy-
-handed FBI agent.

Go!
(screaming)

(continues screaming)

Hey, you.

You're a crazy person.

Come out of there, you.

Quagmire, check it out.

I took ten M-80s and
stuck 'em all together.

I call it Peter Griffin's

bunker-busting
mega-ultra-super...

(screams)

Holy crap!

(all scream)

Oh, my God!

You blew off
all your fingers!

What happened?

Oh, my God!

You know, no huge hurry, but I'm
sort of out of juice over here.

Bone-dry.

There's one
of Dad's fingers.

We have to hurry!

I learned in Biology if you
get them back soon enough,

they can be
reattached.

What's all the commotion?

Hey, there's
one of 'em.

Peter, look out!

(screams)

(grunts)

Go on, Jesse.

Make your peeps and poops.

Mmm, that's gonna feel good
for Jesse.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Damn it.

Maybe if we make it mad,
it'll come down here

and we can catch it
and get the finger.

Hey, bird.

Your poop is
white and green.

You're the laughingstock
of the poop world.

Ah, yeah, ah, yeah,
I knew that would get you.

Ah, ah, come here.

Yeah, you little son of a bitch,
come here!

Hey, stop, stop it,
stop pecking me!

(Peter yelling, bird chirping)

(gunshot)

Ah, thanks, Joe.

Let's plant a knife on him
just to be safe.

Eh... good thinking.

Yeah, I know
how these things go down.

Uh, hey there.

We were supposed
to have brunch this morning.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I-I had a late night.

Late night, huh?

What's her name, Brian?

What are you
talking about?

Oh, spare me
the theatrics.

I see the signs.

The excuses for
why we can't hang out,

the inside-out collar.

If I didn't recognize
what was going on here,

I'd have to be as dim
as those retirees

I entertain every Thursday.

There's a hole in
the bottom of the sea

There's a hole in
the bottom of the sea

There's a hole,
there's a hole

There's a hole in the
bottom of the sea

Whoa-ho-ho, all right.

We're getting
a little faster here now.

And you know what?

I think there's something else
down there

in the bottom of the sea.

Something that you'll be able
to relate to.

There's a tube in the
throat of the elderly man

In the hospital bed
on the frog on the log

In the hole in the
bottom of the sea

There's a tube in the
throat of the elderly man

In the hospital bed
on the frog on the log

In the hole in the
bottom of the sea

There's a hole,
there's a hole

There's a hole in the
bottom of the sea

Oh, whoa,
what is this?

There's a birthday cake
for Mr. Cohen on the frog

On the log in the hole
in the bottom of the sea

There's a birthday
cake for Mr. Cohen

In the hole in the
bottom of the sea

Get a nurse.

There's a hole,
there's a hole

There's a hole in the
bottom of the sea.

Look, Brian, I think
it's wonderful you've found

a young lady willing
to stoop to your level.

When do I get
to meet her?

No, no, no way.

Oh... I see.

I get it;
she's hideous.

She is not hideous.

Oh, well,
let me ask you something.

Does she have an alibi?

For what? Why would
she need an alibi?

So you're saying
she does not have an alibi?

Well, no.

Okay, so we've established
she ain't got no alibi.

She ugly, she ugly

U-G-L-Y

She ain't got no alibi

She ugly
Screw off.

M, she's major ugly

O, she's fat and pugly

O, my God, no

The cow says "moo."

Here's to Peter getting
his fingers back.

Thanks, Joe.

Oh, boy, I tell you,
I haven't felt this good

since I came up with that
new place to hide my porn.

Have a good day,
sweetie.

(exhales)

(beeping)

(whirring)

-Hey, Greg.
-Afternoon, Mr. Griffin.

Mrs. Griffin
out today?

Shoppin'.
Ah.

(electronic twittering)

Ah, she's hot.

All right,
last call, fellas.

It's closing time.

Aw, crap, I'm not
even half-buzzed.

Hey, what do you guys say
we take this party on the road?

Fine by me.

Skinemax doesn't kick in
with the really dirty stuff

till about 3:00 anyway.

They had one on last night
where the girl had a buttface

but her breasts
was immaculate.

Peter, you sure it's okay to be
at the brewery after hours?

Relax, Joe, this
is where I work.

Besides, it sure beats the
hell out of last Saturday

when we partied with that
big-horned guy from Legend.

Hey, you guys want
to go to IHOP?

Get some breakfast
or something?

Oh, God, I don't know,
Big-Horned Guy.

It's like 3:00 a.m.

Oh, that sucks, man,
I'm wide awake.

-Hey, Quagmire, you want to...
-Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, man.
Are you okay?

-No!
-I didn't see him.

Aah!

(all laughing)

Okay, okay, guys,
here's one.

If you were God, who would
you strike down first?

Debra Messing.
I find her insufferable.

French Stewart.

What are you
squinting about?

It's not even
that bright.

Yeah, he's terrible.

What we need out there
now is another Tim Daly.

-Who's Tim Daly? I don't even know
-who that is.

From Wings?
Nope.

Tim Daly. He
was on Wings.

What, no-nobody
here watched Wings?

Is that the one where there's
a guy and he's like, uh,

he's a, he's a pilot
or something?

There's two guys.

They're brothers and
they're both pilots.

And wasn't there a fat guy
with a mustache?

That was Roy.
He's hilarious.

Was this a cartoon?

No, my, oh,
my god, no!

No, no, it took
place in an airport.

Th-Th-The thing was
on for ten years.

The, and the, and the funny
repair guy was Lowell.

It made Tony
Shalhoub's career.

Who?
The tennis player?

God, you know what?
Screw you guys.

I don't even
know you.

Crazy people.

Living under a rock,
don't know Wings.

I love Wings!

All right, I want to be
very clear about this.

You can meet her, chat for
a minute, and that's it.

In and out.
Oh, don't worry, Brian.

If she's as ugly
as I think she is,

I'll look at her once
and then I'll go...

(makes vomiting noises)

...all over the place.

Then you'll wipe it up
and then we'll go.

Hi, Brian.

Oh, my God.

Who's your cute
little friend?

Oh, my.

Hello. Stewie.
Charmed.

I'm Jillian.

Come on in.
Who wants a drink?

So, you gonna take
back what you said?

Brian, she's stunning.

Okay, you met her,
you can scram now.

I shall do
no such thing.

Now, why in the world
would you be embarrassed

about dating her?

Oh, my God, Brian.

I was watching something on TV
about this guy named Hitler.

Somebody should stop him.

Are her parents
brother and sister?

Can you please
leave now?

Oh... now I get it.

She's a moron.

But a moron with large breasts
you can use as mountains

for your Matchbox cars,

or whatever it is grown-ups
do with large breasts.

Shut up, that's
not it at all.

Say, Jillian, I love what
you've done with the place.

What is it?
One bedroom, one bath?

No, it's a whole apartment.

Oh, God, outstanding.

So, Stewie.

Do you work with Brian
at the detective agency?

Why, yes,
as a matter of fact, I do.

At the detective agency.

That's got to be a tough job.

I know Brian's work
has him coming and going

at all hours of the night.

I bet it does,
I bet it does.

Okay, well, Stewie
has to go now.

What are you
talking about?

I want some more of
Jillian's delicious lemonade.

I know,
it's good, right?

I just wish
they didn't have to kill

so many lemons
to make it.

Oh, this is fun, eh?

(groans)

So, wait, Dupree moves in with
Kate Hudson and Matt Dillon?

But they're newlyweds, right?

Well, that's no time
to have a houseguest.

Oh, gotta go.

Sorry, Angela.

Every Tuesday morning,
I call my friend Cleveland

and he describes every scene
from You, Me, and Dupree.

Griffin, your work
output this week

is even worse
than usual.

Where the hell are
those purchase orders?

Eh, it's this bum hand.

I can't type with it.

Well, that's
not my problem.

-I need to see some improvement by the
-end of the week

or you're finished.

Don't worry,
I'll figure something out.

(phone rings) Oh, that's going to be
Quagmire with Along Came Polly.

I gotta take that.

All right, so as you know
by this point in the story,

Ben Stiller doesn't
like spicy food.

Well, guess
what's for dinner?

No way.

Boy, Lois,
thanks so much for coming in

and helping me
get my work done.

Without you, Angela would
have been all over my case.

Oh, it's all
right, Peter.

I know it's tough for you to
work with your hand injury.

Hey, you know, uh, with you
sitting there, it's, uh,

it's kind of like
you're my secretary.

Well, let's not get
carried away, Peter.

Now, please, I'm trying
to finish your work.

You know, Lois,
if I'm your boss,

I gotta look like a boss.

Finally, I have a reason to
wear this big bowtie and cigar

I bought at the
Dress For Success store.

Peter, if you want this
work to get done...

Lois, take a letter.

"Dear Life Cereal,

"Where do you get off?

"Part of a balanced breakfast
and delicious?

"Who do you think you are?

"By now, you may have guessed
I'm speaking ironically

"and have nothing
but good things

"to say about what you do.

"Life Cereal,
do not change a thing.

"Signed, Peter Griffin.

Dictated but not read."

Lois, read that back to me.

Oh, hey, Brian.
Back from a hot booty call

with your idiot
girlfriend?

You know,
th-think what you want,

but you don't see the side
of Jillian that I do.

Face it, Brian, she's dumber
than a Boston-area book report.

The novel I chose to address

is Oliver Twist
by Charles Dickens.

Queer name, right?

The book was actually not bad.

For your information,
Jillian is very bright

and she happens to be
a very talented photographer.

Oh, that is so lame.

Every hot girl who
can aim a camera

thinks she's
a photographer.

Ooh, you took a black-and-white
picture of a lawn chair

and its shadow
and developed it at Sav-On.

You must be so brooding
and deep.

Knock it off.
No, I want to know, Brian.

What, specifically,
do you talk about?

Uh, a lot of things.

Um, food, um...

the new seat covers
she just got for her Jetta.

Um... Real World/
Road Rules Challenge.

You hate MTV.

Pot helps.

Look, you know,
I don't have to justify

anything to you,
all right?

All that matters
is Jillian and I

have a great time together.

We make each other laugh.
Fine.

But just tell me
this, Brian:

does she laugh
on her own

or does she laugh
only when you laugh?

I thought so.

(cell phone rings "Axel F")

Hey. Yeah.

Uh-huh... uh-huh.

Uh, you gotta hit,
uh, DVD and then menu

and then select. Yeah.

Yeah, the DVD needs
to be face up

when you put it in.

Uh-huh.

You should be able
to see the words Mr. 3000.

Yeah... still nothing?

Is it plugged in?

Okay, so plug it in.

Okay. Y-You got it?

Is it-- uh, okay.
All right.

No, no problem.
All right.

Uh, love you, too,
Jilly bean.

Okay.
(hangs up phone)

-What? Nothing. I didn't
-say anything.

(sighs):
I need a drink.

(altered voice):
Uh, hey, uh, Jilly bean?

Hey, it's Brian again.

Uh, so, yeah, um, so I figured

we could get together
tonight and maybe, um,

do all those things sexually
that we usually do.

Um, what were those again?

No way, gross!

Oh, I mean, I mean,
oh, oh, no.

Yeah, I totally love
how that feels.

Hi.

You know, I've been
noticing you

around the steno pool.

You look good enough
for a promotion.

Peter, cut it out.

Hey, that's no way
to talk to your boss.

(sniffs):
Mmm, is that Pert?

You know it is.

Smell my Speed Stick?

(sighs)

Peter, what the hell
are you doing?

Lois, I'm gonna come
right out with it.

I think it would be
so hot for you and me

to have sex in my office.

Oh, my God.

There is no way that
is gonna happen.

You know, it's no wonder
you're so far behind

-in your work if this is how you behave
-at the office.

Come on, just touch it.
Touch yours.

Peter, no. I
have work to do

so you can
keep your job.

Oh, look at me, I'm Lois.

I'm a worker.
I make stuff on things.

Oh, I'll file these later.

Oh, I got a phone--
nope, that's it.

Geez, Lois,
I thought having you here

was gonna be fun, but so far

you're a bigger buzzkill
than Buzz Killington.

(laughing)

Oh, man, this is the best
party I've ever been to.

(laughs)

Evening, everyone.

I thought it would
be very droll

if we all sat down
and looked at etchings.

Would you like
to join me, Peter?

Uh, well, we-we're
kinda partying here.

Good! Hold this up.

Now here's a fellow
attempting to ride a bicycle.

But he's having some
trouble, isn't he?

Would you like to know why?

(sighs):
Why?

Because he's a Scot!

(chuckles)

Now, who here likes

a good story about a bridge?

Ahh!

What the hell?

Jillian, what...
what are you doing here?

Oh, hi, Brian.

It was so nice
of you to invite

your girlfriend
over for dinner.

I invited her for dinner?

Yes, you did. You wanted
her to meet the family.

Now, come here, Brian.

Come sit by your friend, Stewie.

And then, think
about this:

have you ever seen
the sun and the moon

in the same place
at the same time?

(gasps):
They're the same person!

I know, right?!

You're brilliant!

Hey, Oogie!

So tell us, Oogie,

where'd you find
this one, huh?

You two meet at
a Mensa meeting?

No, at a Quizno's.

-We both ordered the Turkey Ranch
-and Swiss, no onions.

Can you believe that?

(sarcastically):
No, wow.

What are the odds?

Well, hey, what are the odds
of finding true love

anywhere in the world
says this observer.

Hey, you wanna
know something cool?

I threw up a lot
in high school,

so I don't get
my period anymore.

Wow, this is the
one you've been

waiting for,
huh, Brian?

(laughing)

Are you serious?

Are you serious, Brian?

All right, you know
what, Lois, don't judge.

Because you don't
know what two people

are like when
they're alone.

Come on. Let's
go out dancing.

I don't know, I'm feeling
kinda cozy tonight. Kinda mellow.

I just really want
to go dancing--

(gasps):
There it is again!

What is that?

So, Jillian, what
are your views

regarding homeland
security?

-Do you think we should support what
-the president is doing?

Well, I just think,
for starters,

that sometimes
the government has things

they can't tell us
and, truthishly,

we should just
accept that.

Okay, good-night,
everyone. Oh, say, Jillian,

before you go. I forget.

Do you know what the capital
of this state is?

Um... Rhode Island City?
(door slams)

(laughs)

It's like she's (bleep) five!

Thanks for hanging out
with my friends, Brian.

Hey, come on. We're-we're
a legitimate couple, right?

I-I should be able to
talk with your friends.

So then the valet
pulls up and I'm all,

"That is so not my car."

But then it totally was.

That's happened
to me!

Me, too.
Cars go fast.

(laughs):
Oh, God.

Yeah, I tell ya,
if I had a nickel

for every time
that happened.

Yeah...?
What?

What if you had a nickel

for every time
that happened?

-No, nothing. It's just an expression.
-A what?

Well, I-I was just saying I-I do
my share of dopey stuff.

Like, oh, this... this one time

I attended a speaker's
colloquium on federal judgeships

and without realizing it,
I kept calling

William Rehnquist
"William Rhinequist."

(laughs):
Come on.

I mean, how-- doi.

-Anyone else have to go to the little
-girls' room?

I have new gloss!

I love gloss!
Oh, that rocks!

Gloss rhymes with hair!

(sighs)

STEWIE:
Dude, that was painful.

What are you doing here?
Did you follow us?

Brian, why can't
you just admit

what's going on here?

-(sighs): Okay, okay.
-Fine. Fine.

I'm gonna have
to break it off.

But, boy, it's gonna be
tougher than the reviews

for Our American Cousin.

Blah, blah, blah,
"Lincoln assassinated,"

blah, blah, blah,
"tragedy for our Republic."

Uh... oh, look!

"Ably performed
by the entire ensemble."

OTHER ACTORS:
That's us! That's all of us!

Morning, Lois, I need
you to proofread this

and collate it for me.

Peter, did you
Xerox your penis?

300 times. It's
a flip book.

Flip through it
or you're fired.

Oh, my God!
This is disgusting.

Peter, for the last time,

I'm not having sex
with you in this office.

Why the hell are you
pushing this so hard?

Because, Lois, I already
wrote the letter

to "Penthouse Forum,"
and I don't wanna be made a liar

in the nudie magazine of record.

(sighs):
All right.

If I give you
30 seconds of making out,

will that shut you up?

Let's see where it goes.

(sighs)

(both moan)

Oh, God, you know
this is pretty hot.

Yeah, what'd I
tell you, huh?

(both moan)

Oh, God, Peter,
let's do it.

Let's do it
right here, right now!

Lois, Lois wait. Wait.

Opie's right there.

I want him
to look, Peter.

(shouting gibberish)

Well, that is
the last of it.

You are now all caught
up with your work.

Lois, I really
appreciate you

helping me out this week,
and I really appreciate

you having sex
with me in my office.

Well, that was my
pleasure, too, Peter.

Haa, I knew I'd get you.

Just like Danny DeVito
got Rhea Perlman.

I don't know, Danny.

-Look, it's either me or nobody.
-Sold.

All right, Brian,
you can do this.

You can dump her.
Because once it's done,

never again will you
have to listen to her

talk like this?

You know, where
everything has

a question mark
at the end of it?

With an upward inflection?

At the end
of every sentence?

Yeah, I don't know
what I was thinking?

Oh, damn it. Now
I'm doing it, too.

Oh, hey, Oogie.

Ooh, you look tense.

Well, uh, Jillian,

there's something we
need to talk about.

What is it?

I, uh...

just wanted to spend
some time with you.

(mumbles)

What the hell?
It took you

three hours
to break up with her?

Uh, not exactly.

Well, what were you
doing in there?

(sniffs):
What's that smell?

-It smells like sweat and anger and shame.
-Yep.

STEWIE:
Life's confusing

when you grow up,
isn't it, Brian?

-It is. Can we play my
-mix tape?

Yeah, go ahead.

(Gary Numan's "Cars" begins)

Brian had sex
with a really dumb girl

Now he's taking
his friend Stewie

To get some ice cream
in his car...

(turns off music)
Oh, you're a poor sport.