Original subtitles

(BEEPING)

KIEFER SUTHERLAND: Previously on Family Guy.

Maybe this summer he should take swim lessons.

Would you like that, Stewie?

(SCREAMING)

(GASPS)

I'm alive. I'm alive!

Who the hell was that?

Well, given the wonderful shoe shopping,

I would cast my vote for "Heaven."

Oh, Daddy, I knew I'd find you.

I'm not your father. I'm you.

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

You're me from the future? That's absurd.

I'm afraid it's true, Stewie.

I'm the man you dreamed you'd be

when you were alone in your bedroom planning world domination

and singing Donna Summer into your hairbrush.

Tell him to just get out

Nothing left to talk about

Pack his raincoat, show him out

Just look him in the eyes and simply shout

Enough is enough is enough Enough is enough is enough

I can't go on I can't go on

I can't go on no more, no I can't go on no more, no

Enough is enough is enough Enough is enough is enough

I want him out I want him out

BOTH: I want him out that door now

It is you... Me!

Oh, God, I have so many questions about the future.

Is all food in pill form?

Do they have flying cars?

Did they ever find a successful vehicle for Ellen Cleghorne?

I can't answer those questions.

I'm not even supposed to be talking to you.

It's a violation of the terms of my vacation.

Vacation?

Yes, you see, in the future,

people take vacations not to destinations, but to periods of time.

In fact, just last summer I went back to visit Jesus Christ.

Turns out his abilities might have been exaggerated a bit.

(SINGING EXCITING MELODY)

Look, I've already said enough.

I really should be getting back.

You can't just leave me. I must know my future.

Sorry, it's against the rules.

Goodbye, Stewie.

Surprise!

Oh, this is just great.

I can't believe it. This is the future.

Wait a minute. Everything looks the same.

Well, of course, it's only been 30 years.

But, I say, where are the monuments to me?

Where are my legions of followers?

I thought I'd be absolute ruler of the world by now.

Far away from that house full of idiots.

(SIGHS)

Sorry, Stewie, I abandoned my quest for world domination long ago.

Well, am I at least a city councilman or something?

Sorry.

Oh, this is nothing like I imagined.

I thought the future would be different,

with jet packs, eco-domes, and TV

they can beam right into your head.

Uh, give me Mork & Mindy.

(ELECTRONIC HUMMING)

(LAUGHING) That's not how you sit in a chair.

Now I'm late to Sunday dinner with the family,

so you'll have to wait in the car until I can send you back.

Wait in the car? I shall do no such thing.

Oh, hey, did they ever unfreeze Walt Disney?

Unfortunately.

Welcome back, Mr. Disney.

Are the Jews gone yet?

Uh, no.

Put me back in.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, Stu, my big boy!

Hello, mother.

She's still alive?

What the hell, man?

I hope you don't mind, but I brought a guest.

This is, uh, Pablo, a child from Nicaragua that I've been sponsoring.

My, how wonderful.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Yes. Is that where you got that leather handbag?

Oh, I'm sorry, that's your face!

(LAUGHING) Oh, got you!

30 years later, I still freakin' got you!

Oh, God.

Oh, I feel as invincible as Superman.

Hey, there, Wonder Woman. Flying your invisible plane, I see.

Uh...

Boy, this is awkward. I'm...

I'm actually in the lavatory of the invisible plane.

Oh, you mean right now you're...

Yeah.

(FLUSHING)

So I couldn't help but notice you didn't wash your hands

in the invisible sink.

Hi, everybody. Sorry we're late.

Stop (BLEEP) apologizing.

You sound like a (BLEEP) woman.

Oh, I suppose one of you has to.

Oh, what a nice blouse, Vanessa.

Chris' wife. Oh, thanks.

I'm not sure my tiny brain could've put that one together.

Hi, Vanessa. Well, don't you look nice?

Oh, no, I broke my hip!

You need some help, Dad?

No, I'm good.

Oh, are these the pictures from your trip to Sonoma?

Oh, my God.

Oh, look how beautiful the countryside is.

Oh, I would love to get a house out there if I had the money.

Knock, knock.

Oh, hi, Ron.

Who's that fellow? He looks so familiar.

It's Meg. She had a sex change right after college.

Wow! She went to college?

I can't stay too late.

I gotta go shop for a razor.

You know, for my face, where I grow my beard.

Okay, we get it, Ron. You're a guy.

Well, there he is.

Oh, this is fantastic!

That's not really appropriate, Stewie.

Oh, of course it is. I loathed that know-it-all, flea-bitten mutt.

No, no, it's just that the meaning of that word has changed

ever since President Douchebag.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Thank you. I just received a call from my worthy opponent,

Senator Daterape.

(CROWD BOOING)

No, no, he ran a good campaign,

but the people of America have spoken,

and they're saying they want four more years of Douchebag.

ALL: Douchebag! Douchebag! Douchebag!

That is some (BLEEP) good dinner, Mrs. Griffin.

Thank you. Excuse me.

I'm gonna go help Peter with the dishes.

Ron, Stu, I need your help.

I need you two to tell those parents of yours

they're moving into a retirement home,

'cause Mr. Empty Sack over here won't do it.

Stu, you don't want Mom and Dad

to go to a retirement home, do you?

Well, it's...

Uh...

(IMITATING LOIS) Stu, could you help me with the dishes?

Oh, be right there, Mother.

Well, actually, Vanessa, I'd...

(IMITATING LOIS) Oh, Stu, I need your help.

There are dishes everywhere.

Oh, sorry, must go.

Well, I can't do it to them.

They're my parents.

Don't you ever want to inherit this house, you fat (BLEEP)?

Or am I the only one who has any desire to move out

from under the (BLEEP) power lines?

What's that? Oh, it's cancer!

Can we please not do this in front of Pablo?

That kid's from Guam.

Probably only speaks Spanish or some (BLEEP).

Let me tell you something, Nessa.

A bullet sounds the same in every language.

So stick a (BLEEP) sock in it, you cow!

Well, welcome to Chez Stu.

Dear God, this is where I live?

All alone in a filthy hovel?

Well, I wouldn't exactly say alone.

Let me introduce my roommate.

He's sometimes late on the rent

and never shy about sharing the gas bill,

if you know what I mean.

Did you just make a fart joke?

Hey, Stu, got big plans for tonight?

Sure do, Rupert.

I'm finally going to organize my photo albums.

Yeah, right.

I say, what happened to his leg?

Oh, wait, now I remember.

You are really going to sit there with a straight face

and tell me a flat tax doesn't favor the wealthy?

Not one bit.

And it saves millions of man-hours

that the complexity of the current tax code wastes,

which you would realize if you weren't retarded.

Hey, give him back!

Stop that! What are you doing?

Give me back his leg!

Oh, you'll get it back.

And this is my bulletin board where I put all my favorite comic strips.

See? See, look, here's the Lockhorns.

See, Mrs. Lockhorn is saying, "We're never going to another yard sale,"

because Mr. Lockhorn has clearly purchased a tuba.

(CHUCKLES) And from the look on her face,

I'd say he's not playing it very well at all.

(LAUGHING)

You get it?

You got these from Parade magazine?

You read Parade magazine?

(GROANS)

Hey, Stu. It's Monday, which can only mean one thing,

Go-Gurt day! Go-Gurt day!

Oh, Fran, this is Pablo, from Nicaragua.

Pablo, this is Fran. She is hilarious.

Hi, Pablo.

Just kidding.

I told you. She's so twisted.

Well, I'd better get back to my department

before Genghis, the day manager, makes his rounds.

"Genghis, the day manager"?

Is that from something or did you just make that up?

I just made it up.

(LAUGHING)

All day long.

Well, I guess it's not all bad.

What do you mean?

Don't be coy, you dirty horndog.

You're nailing Fran.

Tell me, how many times have we gotten

into those Lane Bryant stretch pants?

What? Never!

Damn right never...

What do you mean, "Never"?

(SIGHS) Stewie, I've never slept with any woman.

I've never had sex.

All right, that's it!

I could handle the crappy apartment and the pedestrian job,

but now you're telling me

I'm a 35-year-old, Parade- magazine-reading virgin.

Well, you, sir, are pathetic!

So forget about sending me back, because I'm not leaving

until we do a complete overhaul

on this sad thing you call our life!

Can I still read Parade?

No, you cannot still read Parade!

So, what do you think, mmm?

My word, I've got to hand it to you, Stewie,

it really is an improvement.

And you haven't even seen the best part.

Stress-release candles for those extra-tough days at the office.

Oh, you don't know the half of it.

On Tuesdays I work Returns.

Yeah, I bought this boom box here,

and it's got this high-pitched whine.

Well, let's have a look.

(BABY CRYING)

(LAUGHING) It's yours now, sucker!

All right, now that you've got a swinging pad,

it's time to bring Fran back here and, you know.

What?

Well, I have no idea. I thought you knew.

No, I have no idea.

Well, come on, man. You're the adult here.

I was counting on you to know the mechanics because...

Well, let's face it, as a baby,

all I've got to go on is beer commercial innuendo

and that myth about where babies come from.

Oh, my God, the stork!

Where's my baby?

(IN DEEP VOICE) Sweetie, you and me are gonna make the baby.

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)

Kids, what are you doing here?

Mom, Dad, Vanessa wants us to put you guys in a retirement home,

but I think it's ridiculous.

A retirement home?

Now, Vanessa says it's not that bad, Mom.

She says they have people there who will wipe your bottom.

You gotta be yanking me! That is sweet!

Yeah, that doesn't sound ridiculous at all, Meg.

My name is Ron.

Oh, I wish Brian were here.

He'd never let you put us in a home.

Oh, but at least he's in a better place now.

Wow, look at me.

Hanging out, drinking with Ernest Hemingway,

Van Gogh, and Kurt Cobain.

Still, it feels like we all got here

a little earlier than we should have.

Yeah, well, I finally collapsed

under the weight of my own genius

and shot myself.

I could not reconcile my passion

with the way people around me were living,

so I shot myself.

I hated the thought of my music

becoming part of some bland, corporate mechanism,

so I shot myself.

Yeah, I got into the garbage and ate some chocolate.

- My word! Yes, evidently the razor - wasn't invented

till sometime in the late '80s.

Okay, then, let's begin.

And here we go. And watch my hand.

And one, two, three, and in and out, and in and out.

I am the monarch of the sea The ruler of the Queen's Navy

Whose praise Great Britain loudly chants

And we are his sisters and his cousins and his aunts

Good, good. You've got the rhythm.

Now, let's try it with the Swiss cheese and take it from the top.

I really enjoyed the movie tonight and I'm not tired at all.

Oh, yeah, good, good.

I enjoyed the movie, too.

Oh, hey, I hear they're extending our store hours until 9:30.

Oh, that's... That's great.

Let's have sex! What?

Definitely, I'll be right back.

What the hell is wrong with you? I can't do this!

I can't go through with this.

Why? Why the hell not?

I'm too nervous.

FRAN: I'm getting my diaphragm!

See, I don't even know what that is.

-Get in there! Get in there right now. - I can't.

Get in! No, no, no.

Listen to me. You listen to me, Stewart Griffin.

You march in there right now and

"insert your penis into her vagina." Go!

I'm sorry. That's...

That's never happened to me before.

Which part? The eight seconds of sex or the 40 minutes of crying?

Uh, I guess both.

Do I... Do I give you money or something?

Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Eight seconds! That's twice as good as you did in rehearsal.

Stu, I heard from Juan in Car Stereo Installation

about what you did to Fran last night.

You know, intra-office sex is prohibited,

regardless of how hilariously brief and unsatisfying it was.

(GASPS) You're fired.

Oh, cheer up! You didn't need that crappy job anyway.

You are not allowed to speak.

You have ruined everything.

Oh, nice, I donate my time trying to fix your pathetic life

and this is the thanks I get?

Good Lord! My apartment!

Looks like the cause of the fire

were these stress-release candles, sir.

Huh. Irony!

I don't know, Peter.

This place is pretty depressing.

What are you talking about? It's just like old times.

Hey, Cleveland.

(EXTREMELY SLOWLY) Hello, Peter.

Hey, Joe, how are things since the operation?

Oh, great, Peter.

(CHUCKLES)

Who would've guessed I'd be one of the few not in a wheelchair.

I sure do miss Bonnie, though.

Well, it's amazing they were able to give you her legs.

Who wears short shorts? I wear short shorts!

Hey, Glenn. How's the arthritis?

Not bad.

Of course, since you walked in, I'm feeling a little stiff.

Giggity Gi... Oh, I just pooped a little.

(VERY SLOWLY) Oh, that's nasty.

Um...

Hey, you know what I do when I'm feeling down?

I play the Glad Game.

I think about all the things that make me glad. Let's try it, shall we?

Um...

Pinwheels.

A big wedge of cake from the fair.

A doodad to wear in your hat.

All right, I'm sorry. It's all my fault.

(SIGHS) No, it's my fault.

My whole life's been a mess ever since that near-death experience.

I mean, nothing goes right...

Wait, wait, wait.

Near-death experience?

At the community pool?

But... But that was nothing.

Well, that's what I thought at first.

But around the time of my 20th birthday, I started having nightmares.

And then my therapist said I'd been suppressing

some very complex emotions

that may well have caused me to take fewer risks.

Well, then, it seems there's only one thing to do.

I must return to the past to ensure that I never have the close call

with that lifeguard tower in the first place.

Oh, I just thought of another one for the Glad Game.

The first scissor cut into a fresh piece of construction paper.

Oh, yeah.

All right, here's what we do.

You buy me one of those time-travel watches,

and I'll go back to my own time

and stop that near-death experience.

I can't afford one.

I don't have a job, thanks to you.

I say, how hard is it to get a new job?

Even I had that job at the airport.

Jonny Quest. Okay, welcome aboard.

Dr. Benton Quest.

All right, have a good flight.

Hadji!

Hmm. Uh...

Listen, you've been randomly selected for additional screening.

But you didn't even type anything in.

Look, if it were up to me, you'd be right there on that flight.

But I'm gonna need you to take off your shoes and that lovely hat.

Sim, sim, salabim!

Yeah, I'd cut back on that.

We'll have to borrow the money from Mommy and Daddy.

(SCREAMS) Never call them that again!

It's Lois and the Fat Man, do you hear me?

Yes, yes!

Smells like Head & Shoulders, but you don't have dandruff.

Exactly!

Ah!

Oh, hey, you two. What brings you here?

Lois, Pablo here needs your help.

Stu, can we drop the whole Pablo thing?

Do you think I don't remember my own little Stewie?

You clever, clever shrew.

Stu, you could get in a lot of trouble for this.

You need to take him back to his own time.

Well, that's why we're here.

I need a loan. Done.

This is a secret account Peter can't access.

I never could trust him with money.

Like the time he spent Meg's college money

on that medieval catapult.

(PETER LAUGHING)

Excellent, these dominos are set up exactly as I want them,

right next to the good china.

Now, I'll just place this priceless Faberge egg

in the center, right next to my newborn hemophiliac baby.

(THUD)

Hey, those yours? Yes.

Oh. Those are all really nice things.

Thank you!

You hear that, Evan?

We were complimented.

Well, I suppose this is it.

Wow!

You know, it just hit me that if you are successful

in preventing our near-death experience,

it'll turn me into an entirely different Stu.

Then you know what you should do?

Since the timeline is gonna change anyway,

you should get really fat.

Like, just go buy a whole pint of ice cream

and shovel down the whole thing.

I mean, just really pig out.

Ooh, that's brilliant.

Hey, and if the city thinks I'm paying this parking ticket,

they are dreaming.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

No, I'm not really gonna do it. You know, just in case.

Goodbye, Stewie.

So long, Stu.

Damn! I overshot it.

"1974, University of Denver."

I say, Condoleezza Rice goes here.

Damn, I am never gonna let the Man get me down, crazy crackers!

Black Panthers, stand tall!

Blast! This isn't the pool either.

But at least I've arrived on the correct date.

But there are only 30 minutes before the tower falls.

Damn, I've gotta get to that swim meet.

Hi, Stewie Griffin.

Stewie Griffin, hi, how are you?

Smells good. Dinner's ready.

(PANTING)

Probably shouldn't have milked that landing.

Don't press that,

future 35-year-old virgin.

Fran! Fran!

Fran...

What the devil?

Yes, I did it!

I stopped the tower from falling!

Who are you? I'm you from the future.

From the future?

My word. Did they ever find a successful vehicle for Ellen Cleghorne?

Oh, that's so funny. I asked that very same question

and never got an answer.

Well, then, you're as disposable as she is!

Oh, come on, my little champion.

Oh, my God, at least have the decency to carry me, you lazy skank.

Of course, it is comfortable.

(SNORING)

Hey, thanks again for explaining football to me, mister.

I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.

You can call me Ron.

Ron, huh?

You know, I've always really liked that name.

Ron.