Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Wow, this must be one of them new plasma TVs.

Would you like something to drink?

I'll have water, please.

I'll have water, too, but with lemon.

I'll have a Sam Adams.

It's 9:30 in the morning.

And don't you have an outstanding DUI?

Yeah, but I got to get the taste of weed

and hooker spit out of my mouth.

I'll have a Sam Adams, too.

Samuel Adams. Always a good decision.

Okay, now, if I get a fax,

can I stay on-line and still receive the fax without a dedicated line?

Yeah, you can put a piece of paper in here and make, like, a phone call,

and your friend will get another

piece of paper with the same picture.

Can I possibly speak to someone

who didn't come to this country on a floating door?

Can I help you?

Yes. We're here to replace our VCR.

Yeah, don't try any of your salesman funny business.

Like that guy who convinced me to buy that pet tyrannosaurus.

Okay, Patches, now fetch!

(ROARING)

(MAN SCREAMING)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Drop it!

Drop it! Drop it! Drop it!

Ew! It's got spit all over it.

A VCR? Let me show you something.

It's called TiVo.

It always records what you're watching,

so you can re-watch anything you missed.

Sounds fancy. How does it work?

I'll tell you how it works. Easy as pie is how it works.

(BEEPING)

I'll tell you how it works. Easy as pie is how it works.

Should I ring it up? Hold on, hold on.

I think we should discuss it first.

(BEEPING)

Some kind of palsy.

Anyway, that's how I saved Christmas.

Yeah, go ahead and bag this thing for us.

Sweet, Quagmire! You got a Winnebago.

You mean a wanna-bang-o!

Oh, how clever.

Yeah, I'm gonna take her across the country

and nail a different broad in every state.

Also gonna go to Vegas.

We went to Vegas once. Remember, Lois?

We saw the Jew Man Group?

(HAVA NAGEELA PLAYING)

Dad, what are you doing?

I'm fast-forwarding through these pesky TV shows,

so I can get to the commercials.

Hi. I'm Wilford Brimley, and I have diabetes.

It hurts me to pee, and it causes me to be short with my family.

I can't sleep at night.

The other day, I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog.

And two weeks ago, I ran out of

vanilla ice-cream and struck my wife.

And then I find out my wife's been dead for six years.

Who the hell did I hit?

(MALE NARRATOR READING)

Lunch is ready! Come and get it!

Hey, what do you think it is, boogers on a biscuit?

(LAUGHING) That's probably what it is, yes.

We now go live to the streets of San Francisco

with Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa.

Diane, is she Chinese or Japanese?

She's Japanese, Tom.

Wow! I know a Japanese woman.

Tom, I'm standing here

amidst the heated debate over a recent petition

to change the name of the city

from San Francisco to something a little less gay.

Excuse me, sir, what would you like to rename San Francisco?

Well, given the wonderful shoe shopping,

I would cast my vote for "Heaven."

Who the hell was that? What?

I say, press the button, make it stop.

Oh, my God. He looks just like me.

You know what? He does.

Almost looks like he could be your father.

(GASPS) He could be my father!

My real father! I knew it!

Lois must have mated with this poor fellow.

I've got to get out to California.

I daresay I'd fit right in with the kids from 90210.

Even the older-looking one.

Boy, that test sure is gonna be hard tomorrow.

You said it, Donna.

Hey, Andrea, can you help me study?

- What? I said, - "Can you help me study?"

Dylan, I fixed your socks!

Hey, Andrea, are we still going to the concert?

This used to be all orange groves, far as the eye could see!

Okay, so I'll pick you up at 7:00.

Barbara Stanwyck and I used to take the trolley!

Hey, Lois, thought you might be in the mood for a classic.

(HUMMING BATMAN THEME)

Spider-Man! Spider-Man!

Here comes Peter on the clothesline

but his name's not Peter, it is Spider-Man!

Spider-Man!

Come on, Lois, let's get busy

Maybe in the garden right here

Spider-Man! Spider-man!

Touch my can with your hand Spider-Man!

Help! Spider-man!

I'm being attacked by the evil rose bush!

I'll save you, Mary Jane.

(BOTH MOANING)

Oh, my God!

I don't know what they're fighting about but I think Dad's winning.

Go, Dad!

Kids, can we have some privacy, please?

Yeah, you guys are more annoying than

that announcer on those TV commercials.

Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man.

Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man.

Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man.

Hi. I'm Al Harrington, President and CEO of Al Harrington's

Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing

Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse.

Thanks to a shipping error, I am now currently overstocked

on Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Men,

and I am passing the savings on to you!

Attract customers to your business.

Make a splash at your next presentation.

Keep Grandma company.

Protect your crops. Confuse your neighbors.

African-American? Hail a cab.

Testify in church. Or just raise the roof!

Whatever your Wacky Waving Inflatable

Arm Flailing Tube Man needs are!

So come on down to Al Harrington's

Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing

Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse.

Route 2 in Weekapaug!

Please forgive me, Mr. Oinkbaum.

You will be missed.

There we are. What are you doing?

None of your beeswax, Ramona.

But if you must know, I need a plane ticket to San Francisco.

Good luck. Plane tickets are about 450 bucks.

Four hundred... Brian, hit me in the mouth.

What? Why?

I hear this tooth fairy gives you

money for your teeth. Have at it.

Uh, okay.

No, no, no. Don't, don't, don't, stop, stop!

- Why did you stop? I said hit me. - You flinched.

Well, of course I flinched. You were going to hit me.

Make up your mind. What do you want me to do?

Hit me. No! No, no, don't, don't!

I'm sorry. Look, I know I'm being hard to read.

Hey, you there. Buy this yellow drink.

Hey, preggo. Preggo!

Hey, hey, I'm talking to you, tubby!

Oh, don't you ignore me.

(EXCLAIMS)

Pardon me, sir. Sir? Sir?

Oh, the hell with this.

(GROANING)

So, we had to do it the hard way, hmm?

Six bucks?

Nice-looking wife you've got.

Maybe I'll look her up while you're in the hospital.

Don't forget your lemonade.

Oh, there you are. I thought you should...

What are you doing? Paying bills.

What bills? You have bills?

Well, there's cable and...

Peter pays for the cable.

(STAMMERING) It's at this girl's house.

Do you want something?

Yes, I'm still short for my trip.

I've only got $200.

I suggest you pony up the difference immediately,

or I'll e-mail the contents of your hard drive to the FBI.

What are you talking about? There's nothing on there.

Stewie, why is it so hard to accept that Peter's your real father?

Because he's an idiot.

Do you remember that time he went to the Today Show?

Coming up on Today, Tom Cruise has a new movie.

-We're gonna be talking to him. - Katie!

Funny man Al Franken will be stopping by for a visit.

Katie!

And Wolfgang Puck shares his recipe for apple strudel.

Katie!

So stay tuned because we've got all this

and more coming up in the next hour.

Katie!

What?

Oh, well, never mind.

Care to join me, Lois?

(GIGGLING)

Peter, how am I supposed to...

Oh, sorry, sorry. Where are my manners?

Oh, what a gentleman!

There you go!

- (EXCLAIMS) Oh, God! Oh, you okay? - You all right, honey?

Yeah, I'm all right.

Oh, this is nice.

Mom, Meg says Omar Sharif is dead,

but I think she's thinking of Anthony Quinn.

Chris, your father and I are in the tub.

And, Meg, you are thinking of Anthony Quinn.

Now, get out!

Peter, this is ridiculous.

We have no privacy here.

We got to get those kids out of the house once in a while.

I mean, shouldn't they be dating?

That doesn't solve the problem, Lois.

If they start dating, I mean, their rooms are right next to each other,

they'll start having sex, we'll never get them out of the house...

No, no. You idiot,

I'm talking about them dating other people.

Look, I'm gonna start spending some time with Chris,

and I'll show him how to attract a woman.

Yeah. And I'll spend some time with Meg.

I've spent lots of time with her,

like when we went on our last crusade to find the holy grail.

Choose wisely.

I choose this one.

How did you know?

Well, I kind of figured the coffee mug that says "Jesus." I mean...

Oh, right, right. Yeah.

Pretty obvious.

Great. Let's kiss on it.

Come here, you!

(GRUNTING)

Oh, you bleeding? Yeah, you're bleeding.

Don't tell me you're going to California on that.

Bicycling is hard, but it has its benefits.

Did you know Lance Armstrong is dating Sheryl Crow?

You know, it really speaks to her character

that she can get past the whole "he had cancer" thing

and still find him sexually attractive.

Really speaks to her character.

I respect that.

Hey, Brian, what do you think of my sign?

"Quagmire's cross-country tour."

Uh, isn't there an "o" in "country"?

Nope.

Look out, California, here I come!

(GIGGLING)

(GASPS) California!

What are you doing?

Well, you heard Captain Syphilis.

We're going to California.

Come on, you can't go alone with Quagmire.

Look, I'll tell you what,

if you're serious about this I'll go with you.

Although I should probably ask Peter and Lois if it's okay.

Oh, they won't even know we're gone.

(IN ELECTRONIC VOICE) Damn you, vile woman.

Blast. What the deuce?

I am a tool.

Stewie is much better than me at everything

including arts and crafts and the guitar.

I have no friends.

Glad you guys are joining me.

STEWIE: Hey, did you guys see 3 Men and a Baby?

BRIAN: Yeah.

Did you know there's a ghost in there behind the window?

That's an urban legend. It's just a piece of cardboard.

No, it's a ghost, I heard.

You heard from who?

From, uh, Lois.

Yeah, right. Cleveland?

No. No. Death?

Greased-up deaf guy? He said that?

(QUAGMIRE MOANING)

- (WOMAN MOANING) QUAGMIRE: -Giggity Giggity Giggity

(BOTH MOANING AND LAUGHING)

Damn it!

What're you doing?

Your knight was at king's rook six.

No, my bishop was at king's rook six.

My knight was at queen five.

No, no, no. It was...

Yes, yes, yes.

In your dreams your knight was at...

I was...

I saw... Yeah, yeah...

Look at that. Look at that.

Now your knight is at refrigerator five.

Oh, yeah, that's real mature.

Yeah, well, you know who comes out a winner? Me.

(IMITATES CROWD CHEERING)

Griffin once again.

(IMITATES CROWD CHEERING)

Undefeated champion of the world.

(IMITATES CROWD CHEERING)

You know, San Francisco is a big place.

Have you thought about how you're gonna find this guy?

Simple, Brian. Look at this.

My God, this poor fellow had relations with Lois.

That's more disgusting than my cousin Quark Griffin.

I'm watching your every move, Quark,

so don't think you can get away with any law-breaking.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever, man. I mean it.

You'll have me to deal with.

Oh, I'm really scared.

I could morph into a giant python and eat you alive.

Hey, here's an idea.

Why don't you morph into a guy

with something interesting to talk about?

Kids, your mother and I have decided

that we're going to help you two get out in the dating world.

That's right.

Chris, I'm gonna show you how to be

an affable, desirable young man

who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat.

Why you got to break balls?

And, Meg, when I get through with you,

you're gonna be beating guys off with both hands.

This is gonna be so fun.

Hey, zip it.

Rule number one, no speaky until the man speaky to you.

I say, are we moving on yet?

Just hang out, little guy.

I'll see you in a while.

Oh, very well.

I suppose I'll go pump the chemical toilet.

Apparently you're about to do the same.

What the hell is taking him so long?

I'm missing precious time with my father.

Which one of these is the horn?

That's not it. That's not it either.

Do something.

I'm afraid to press anything else.

Okay, Meg, lesson one for attracting a man.

I want you to shave my back.

Ew! Why would I want to do that?

Trust me, Meg, shave a man's back for him and he'll purr like a walrus.

(PURRING)

All right, Chris, now that we've talked about kissing and cuddling,

it's time to practice eating out

at a fancy restaurant.

All right, that's it.

Listen, you pervert, what the devil is taking so long...

Good Lord!

Oh, Stewie, thank God.

That cleaning lady cleaned me out.

She took all my money.

Hey, do me a favor. Grab those keys over there, will you?

Oh, what, these keys?

Hmm? These keys here, these the ones you want, hmm?

These ones right here? Up yours!

What the hell are you doing? Where's Quagmire?

He said to go on without him.

We're stealing the Winnebago, aren't we?

Oh, you can read me like a book, Brian.

Breaker, breaker, Sidewinder, this is Party Pooper.

Don't want to be a ratchet-jaw,

but it looks like we've got a seat cover

feeding the bears in the chicken coop, come on.

Eastbound and down loaded up and trucking

We're gonna do what they say can't be done

Dad, why are we just sitting here?

Just give me a minute, Meg.

What am I supposed to be learning about dating from...

(SIGHS)

Oh, my God, Dad, you farted!

That is so nasty!

No, no, no, Meg.

Meg, this is crucial, all right?

The sexiest thing a woman can do

for a man is learn to love his gas.

Love the gas, Meg, love it!

(FARTS)

(GROANING) No, no, no, Meg, no, no.

This is why we're here.

This is why we're here.

(SOFTLY) This is why we're here.

Chris, you've got to learn how to talk to girls.

So, I'll ask you again,

what are the names of the women on Sex and the City?

Uh...

Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and...

Uh...

Scrappy-Doo?

Hit him, Endo.

(SCREAMING)

Bosley? Tootie? Sheena Easton?

(SCREAMING)

(RATTLING)

- Are you all right? (YELLING) - Never better!

I got some pep pills from a trucker at the last stop.

Keeps me awake.

You took pills?

West coast turn-arounds.

Trucker said to only take one, but I took all of them.

Look, maybe you should slow down.

Why? We're making good time.

We're not even on the road. Huh?

I said we're not even on the road.

Don't need to be. Compass says west.

That's where we're headed.

Stewie, we're in the middle of the desert.

I know.

Imagine the nads on those guys who did this in a wagon?

Pioneers, Brian. We share their spirit.

Manifest destiny.

All right, that's it, give me the wheel.

Go to hell!

(SNORING)

This is horrible. I'm so thirsty.

Oh, my God, Brian, do you see what I see?

BRIAN: A Dr Pepper machine?

Yes. Oh, I can taste it now.

(BOTH LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Damn it. It was a mirage.

An RC Cola machine.

Oh, that's it, I give up!

What do you mean?

I never should have attempted this

in the first place. It was stupid.

Hey, hey, come on now.

You've come this far, haven't you?

It's no use!

Even if my real father is out there,

he probably doesn't want to see me.

(SOBBING)

Stewie, you've got to see this through to the end.

Look, maybe this guy is your real father,

maybe not, but if you don't find out,

you're gonna spend the rest of your life wondering.

Maybe you're right.

Come on, I'll stick by you the whole way.

Just like I did when we were Siamese twins.

Hey, hey, look at that woman, Brian.

She has no business in shorts.

Hey! Hey, you have no business in shorts!

Oh, tortillas. Let's do soft tacos tonight.

Well, we've taught you well, children.

It's in God's hands now.

Now go to the mall and find yourselves some dates.

Chris, find a girl who smokes.

Remember, if she smokes, she pokes.

Bye, kids.

Do you think they're ready, Peter?

I don't care.

All I care about is that we have our alone time.

Me, too.

Are we terrible people?

No, no. We're not terrible people, Lois.

Horses are terrible people.

(CHOKING)

Murder! Murder!

All right, let's split up and try to find him.

Hey, yeah, I just checked in.

Yeah, I might lose you.

I just got in the elevator.

Yeah, I'm gonna grab a shower.

Did you guys eat yet?

No, no. No, I'll just take a cab.

You got your car?

Do you want to pick me up?

Do you want...

Do you want to pick me up?

Do you want to pick me up?

Do you want to pick me up?

Do you want to pick me up?

(WHISTLING)

(GASPS)

Father!

Utini! Utini!

Filthy creatures.

Whoa! Whoa!

Damn! Why is there always a fruit stand?

DIPATCHER: High-speed pursuit in progress.

Headed south on Powell toward Market Street.

You heard him, people, Powell and Market. Move it.

I feel like I've searched this whole bloody city.

I suppose this means I'll never find

the answer to who I really am.

Oh, well, see you gents later.

Free Tibet, no grapes, all that.

Dude, I could have sworn that NERF Football

was just talking to me.

(DINGING)

Are you done with the arts section?

Of course.

(GASPS)

My God!

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dear. This is not good.

This is very bad, very bad.

Oh, Daddy, I knew I'd find you!

I knew Peter couldn't be my real father.

No, no, no, you've got it all wrong, Stewie.

Stewie? How do you know my name?

Because I'm not your father.

I'm you.

MALE NARRATOR: Could this man really be Stewie?

Will the cell-phone guy's friend pick him up?

Will our younger viewers get this Soap reference?

The answers to these questions and many others

will be answered in the next episode.