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1
00:00:01,376 --> 00:00:05,088
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,172 --> 00:00:08,050
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:12,095
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:15,015
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:18,393
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:21,438
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,273
All the things
that make us
8
00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:25,108
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:30,572
He's... a...
Fam...ily... Guy
10
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,412
Hey, Stewie. How 'bout
daddy teaches ya how to swim?
11
00:00:37,496 --> 00:00:40,499
Go... away... fat man.
12
00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:43,335
(yells) What do you think you're doing?
"No" means "no"!
13
00:00:43,418 --> 00:00:45,337
(yells)
Okay. Here goes.
14
00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:48,841
-(yelling)
-Come on, Stewie. In... the... pool.
15
00:00:48,924 --> 00:00:53,178
No! No, I don't want
to die! I want to live! Live!
16
00:00:53,262 --> 00:00:56,557
Peter, stop it.
He's never gonna learn like that.
17
00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:59,017
Maybe this summer
he should take swim lessons.
18
00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:00,936
-Would ya like that, Stewie?
-Hmm.
19
00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:03,647
Well, I guess it couldn't be worse than
that summer I spent in India.
20
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:05,858
Whatever you do, Short Round,
don't touch anything.
21
00:01:05,941 --> 00:01:08,986
(mock Asian accent)
Okay, Dr. Jones, I no touch anything.
22
00:01:10,779 --> 00:01:11,989
Indy!
23
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:14,616
Lady only here
'cause she humping director.
24
00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:20,914
Whoa. Look at this place.
What happened to Sal's Video?
25
00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:24,001
We bought them out two weeks ago.
Welcome to Lackluster Video
26
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:25,502
50,000 stores
nationwide.
27
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:28,755
Yeah, well, uh, you know, I used to come
into Sal's once or twice a week...
28
00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:32,426
to rent movies from his,
uh... back room.
29
00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:35,929
You know what I mean?
Room for, uh, adults only.
30
00:01:36,013 --> 00:01:40,851
Catch my drift? The, uh, kind of movies
where there are x-rated pornos..
31
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:42,978
and fully nude people
fornicate for the camera.
32
00:01:43,061 --> 00:01:45,439
-Get my meaning?
-Oh, I'm sorry, but Lackluster Video...
33
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,774
takes a strong moral stance
against pornography,
34
00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:49,484
open-mindedness
and non-Christians.
35
00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:51,361
Oh, yeah?
Then why do you rent Prince of Tides?
36
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:52,946
Barbra Streisand is Jewish.
37
00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:54,281
We edit some
of our movies.
38
00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:56,366
I think I'm in love
with you, doctor.
39
00:01:56,450 --> 00:02:00,621
No, Tom, you're wrong. You don't love me.
You love the idea of me.
40
00:02:00,704 --> 00:02:03,457
Hi, I'm Tom Tucker.
Do me a favor and fill this bag...
41
00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:04,958
with a sampling
of motion pictures
42
00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:07,669
featuring women-on-women
or anything with an amputee.
43
00:02:07,753 --> 00:02:10,255
Save your money, Tucker.
This place doesn't have porn.
44
00:02:10,339 --> 00:02:11,965
They think it's immoral.
45
00:02:12,049 --> 00:02:14,134
You know, that really
grinds my gears.
46
00:02:14,218 --> 00:02:15,594
Where exactly
in the Bible does it say
47
00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:17,429
a man can't fire off
some knuckle-children...
48
00:02:17,513 --> 00:02:20,390
in the privacy of his own neighbor's
living room, while his neighbor's at work
49
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,017
because I don't have
a DVD player?
50
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:25,354
I don't know where it says it
because the Bible is way too long to read.
51
00:02:25,437 --> 00:02:27,231
Hey, that was quite
a rant there.
52
00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:30,901
You know, we're looking for an everyman
to rant about petty, nonsensical irritants
53
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:33,028
to replace our "Spotlight
on the Middle East" segment.
54
00:02:33,111 --> 00:02:34,696
Hey! I'd be great at that!
55
00:02:34,780 --> 00:02:38,200
I've been dying to get back on television
ever since I stopped hosting Family Feud.
56
00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:42,746
How are you, Betsy? Welcome to the show.
You are a lovely young woman.
57
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:45,541
And let me just stick my hand up there
and feel that one.
58
00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,209
-(gasps)
-And that one.
59
00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:49,878
We're looking for somethin'
you shop for at the mall. Three seconds.
60
00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:57,219
Come on, Stewie.
Don't be afraid.
61
00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:59,805
It's just water.
It's not gonna bite.
62
00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:02,307
Shut up! I know
it's not going to bite, stupid.
63
00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:03,976
What a stupid thing to say.
64
00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:06,478
You drown in it, you moron.
It doesn't have to bite you.
65
00:03:06,562 --> 00:03:10,440
Hey, little guy. Take a look at Brad
over there. He's my star pupil.
66
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,609
-See how brave he is?
-(scoffs) He's not brave.
67
00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:15,112
I'll tell you
who was brave-- Gandhi.
68
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:17,823
And the Americans
are always like, "hey, bitch."
69
00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:21,994
And the Indian people,
we do not call our women in such a way.
70
00:03:22,077 --> 00:03:24,204
MAN:
Boo! You suck!
71
00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:31,879
So, is it just pool water that turns you
into a sniveling girl, or is it all water?
72
00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:34,840
Mom! Brian's asking me
if it's just pool water that turns me
73
00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:36,967
into a sniveling girl
or if it's all water!
74
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:40,179
I heard that Olympic swimmers
shave all the hair off their head
75
00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:41,722
and their private areas
76
00:03:41,805 --> 00:03:43,390
to make 'em move faster.
77
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:45,392
I don't need some
stupid gimmick.
78
00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:48,103
Soon as I improve my technique,
I'll outswim Brad
79
00:03:48,187 --> 00:03:50,314
as easily as I took care
of that other boy.
80
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:53,859
-Casper, go long!
-(tires screeching)
81
00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:57,321
-(crash)
-Ooh, sorry about that, man.
82
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,864
Are you dead?
Yeah, whatever.
83
00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:01,241
I was gonna off myself
on Tuesday anyway.
84
00:04:01,325 --> 00:04:04,369
Hey, Peter, shouldn't you be getting ready
for your first news segment?
85
00:04:04,453 --> 00:04:07,873
Yeah. I'm a little nervous,
though. I'm not sure what to talk about.
86
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:11,126
-You could talk about me. Okay, honey.
-I'll talk about you.
87
00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:15,756
(laughs) "Hey, I'm Meg.
I go to school. I wear glasses."
88
00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:19,259
(all laughing)
89
00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:20,802
Spot on. Spot on.
90
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:26,058
In other news, after several grueling days
of frightening uncertainty,
91
00:04:26,141 --> 00:04:28,060
I finally get my period.
92
00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:30,771
Well, Diane, I'm sure you and your brother
must be devastated
93
00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:33,273
by the loss of the two-headed offspring
that might have been.
94
00:04:33,357 --> 00:04:37,069
We now go to Peter Griffin for
"You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?"
95
00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:40,155
Thanks, Tom. You know
what really grinds my gears?
96
00:04:40,239 --> 00:04:43,784
Nobody's come up with a new
priest-and-rabbi joke in, like, 30 years.
97
00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:45,786
You know? I mean, okay.
Um, um--
98
00:04:45,869 --> 00:04:49,164
A priest and a rabbi go into
the supermarket and, uh, the priest...
99
00:04:49,248 --> 00:04:51,291
wants to buy a ham
and the rabbi says,
100
00:04:51,375 --> 00:04:53,377
"Uh, I can't eat it.
It's forbidden.
101
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:54,962
Couldn't eat it.
Not allowed."
102
00:04:55,045 --> 00:04:58,006
Pigs are like superheroes to them.
Is it perfect? No.
103
00:04:58,090 --> 00:05:00,551
I-I don't see you
comin' up with anything.
104
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,970
And that, people,
is what grinds my gears. Tom.
105
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:06,807
Come on.
You gonna be all day?
106
00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:09,434
-STEWIE: I'm brushing my teeth.
-You only have, like, two.
107
00:05:09,518 --> 00:05:12,980
-I mean, how long could--
oh, God! -Oh. Hey.
108
00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:15,816
Uh... Wow.
109
00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:19,194
(chuckles nervously)
You... doin' a little hair removal there?
110
00:05:19,278 --> 00:05:21,947
Oh, uh-- yeah.
111
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:25,701
Um... You know, feel free
to say "no" to this, but...
112
00:05:25,784 --> 00:05:28,370
would you shave
my coin purse?
113
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:32,708
(laughing)
114
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,629
Oh, no! No way, man!
115
00:05:37,713 --> 00:05:42,009
(laughs)
Holy freaking God!
116
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:44,219
-Oh!
-(scoffs)
117
00:05:44,303 --> 00:05:46,013
Don't have to be so uptight about it.
118
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,893
Okay. We're gonna have
our first fun little race.
119
00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:52,936
When I blow this whistle,
I want all the parents...
120
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,938
to throw their children
into the pool.
121
00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:57,274
If your child doesn't resurface
right away,
122
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,610
they're probably just trying
to get attention.
123
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,570
-Ready?
-Good luck, Stewie.
124
00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:02,946
(imitating Brad)
"Good luck, Stewie."
125
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:05,157
That's you. That's what
you sound like.
126
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:08,410
-(blows whistle)
-You're mine, Brad!
127
00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:11,997
Damn, damn, damn,
damn, damn! (gurgling)
128
00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:17,961
(gurgling):
Ew! A band-aid.
129
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:21,048
-I've got ya, sweetie.
-(choking)
130
00:06:24,593 --> 00:06:27,262
-(chattering)
-(giggles)
131
00:06:27,346 --> 00:06:29,014
(cheering)
Good for you, Brad!
132
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:31,558
-Oh, isn't he adorable? He's much better
-than my kids.
133
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:37,064
So, you think you can make me look
like a fool, do you? You little bastard!
134
00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:38,815
Well, guess again!
135
00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:44,363
Oh, Brad! There's a piece of marzipan
over here for you.
136
00:06:48,492 --> 00:06:50,911
-(beeps)
-What the deuce?
137
00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:55,707
-(beeping)
-(grunts)
138
00:06:55,791 --> 00:06:59,920
-(beeping continues)
-(explosion)
139
00:07:01,547 --> 00:07:03,674
(screams)
140
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:05,092
(crash)
141
00:07:08,846 --> 00:07:11,723
Hell? Now, that's a bit much,
don't you think?
142
00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:15,018
I mean, sure, I've spent my entire life
trying to kill my mother. But who hasn't?
143
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:17,020
You know, really, for hell
this isn't that bad.
144
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,398
-Hi, there. I'm Steve Allen.
-Oh, hello.
145
00:07:19,481 --> 00:07:21,984
-All right. Let's do this.
-(screams)
146
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,528
(gasps) Ah!
(gasping)
147
00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:26,572
I'm alive. I'm alive!
148
00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:29,700
Oh! Stewie! My baby.
149
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:33,078
I thought I'd lost you.
Oh! (kissing)
150
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:36,123
I can't believe it. All these years
I thought I was living in hell,
151
00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:37,875
but it gets so much worse.
152
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,460
This is a sign.
Well, from this day forward,
153
00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:44,006
Stewart Gilligan Griffin
will be a good boy.
154
00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:46,800
I don't understand.
I was only gonna ask him to fix my collar.
155
00:07:46,884 --> 00:07:49,887
Huh. Well, I wonder
what they got on TV in hell.
156
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:53,015
(TV plays) There's a time for love
and a time for living
157
00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:55,809
-(clicking repeatedly)
-Take a chance and face the wind
158
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,070
Morning, Brian.
159
00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:10,282
Beautiful day, isn't it? Kind of day
that makes you glad to be alive.
160
00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:13,660
I made fudge.
Uh, okay.
161
00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:18,207
Wha-- uh--
what, uh--
162
00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:20,834
-What are you-- what are you doing?
-Well, from the feel of it,
163
00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:22,920
working through
quite a few years of stress.
164
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:26,340
The thing is, when I died,
I got a glimpse of where I was going...
165
00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:28,675
and, well, I did not
like it one bit.
166
00:08:28,759 --> 00:08:31,428
Wow. I am so
uncomfortable right now.
167
00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:33,514
So, I've resolved
to change my ways,
168
00:08:33,597 --> 00:08:35,724
because I know now
who I want to be.
169
00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:39,561
I have confidence
in sunshine
170
00:08:39,645 --> 00:08:42,814
I have confidence
in rain
171
00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:45,984
I have confidence
that spring will come again
172
00:08:46,068 --> 00:08:49,738
Besides which, you see
I have confidence in me
173
00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:52,115
There you are.
Drink plenty of water.
174
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,118
Hey, Brian.
Yeah?
175
00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:57,204
Thanks for listening.
176
00:08:57,287 --> 00:09:00,791
Boy, that was more disturbing
than that cartoon I saw the other day.
177
00:09:03,669 --> 00:09:08,841
Shh! Be "vewy," "vewy" quiet.
I'm hunting "wabbits."
178
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,802
Nyah, what's up, doc?
179
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:15,180
(groaning)
180
00:09:15,264 --> 00:09:17,391
Oh, God! Oh, God!
181
00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:20,936
Oh! (groaning)
182
00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:27,943
(bones crack)
183
00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:35,284
Shh! Quiet! Quiet!
Your father's on.
184
00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:38,954
You know what really
grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan.
185
00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:41,790
Eh? Lindsay Lohan
with all those little outfits...
186
00:09:41,874 --> 00:09:44,168
jumpin' around there
on stage half-naked...
187
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:46,128
with your little outfits.
188
00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:49,965
You're up there jumpin' around
and I'm just sittin' here with my beer.
189
00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:52,467
So, you know,
what am I supposed to do?
190
00:09:52,551 --> 00:09:54,970
What do you-- what do you want?
You know, are we gonna go out?
191
00:09:55,053 --> 00:09:57,931
Is that what you're tryin'--
why are you... leapin' around there,
192
00:09:58,015 --> 00:10:00,976
throwin' those things
all up, um, over there in my face?
193
00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:04,980
Huh? What do you want, Lindsay?
Tell me what you want!
194
00:10:05,063 --> 00:10:07,399
Well, I'll tell you
what you want. You want nothin'.
195
00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:09,276
You want nothin'.
All right?
196
00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:13,363
Because we all know that no woman anywhere
wants to have sex with anyone,
197
00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:18,118
and to titillate us
with any thoughts otherwise is just bogus.
198
00:10:18,202 --> 00:10:21,872
Oh! He is so right-on.
Women are such teases.
199
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,916
That's why
I went back to men.
200
00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:28,462
Okay, mom.
Thanks for that. See you later.
201
00:10:29,505 --> 00:10:30,797
Go on.
202
00:10:30,881 --> 00:10:32,382
Another thing that
grinds my gears
203
00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:34,343
is when I can't find
the droids I'm lookin' for.
204
00:10:34,426 --> 00:10:36,720
(amplified voice)
Yeah, me too. What gives with that?
205
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,764
And that's what really
grinds my gears.
206
00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:40,807
MAN: Clear.
Remove my microphone.
207
00:10:40,891 --> 00:10:42,893
-Great job, Mr. Griffin.
-Great job, Peter.
208
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,937
Just terrific.
Just fantastic.
209
00:10:45,020 --> 00:10:47,189
Oh, this gig is even better
than that job I had...
210
00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:50,275
providing nighttime heat
for Lara Flynn Boyle.
211
00:10:50,359 --> 00:10:52,194
Thanks so much, Peter.
212
00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:54,613
-I was getting a little chilly.
-No sweat, Lara.
213
00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:57,199
Hey, you have yourself
a fine sleep.
214
00:10:58,492 --> 00:11:01,203
Hey, Lara.
Yeah?
215
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:05,123
-Is Dylan McDermott nice in person?
-Yeah.
216
00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:07,876
Good.
217
00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:11,839
I feel ridiculous.
218
00:11:11,922 --> 00:11:14,299
Well, I can't very well
fit you up here, can I?
219
00:11:14,383 --> 00:11:18,470
-Where are we going?
-There is the most absolutely perfect
220
00:11:18,554 --> 00:11:20,806
spider web in the bushes
by Cleveland's house.
221
00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:23,600
-You have just got to see it.
-Oh, for God's sake.
222
00:11:23,684 --> 00:11:25,686
Hey, Brian. Brian.
What?
223
00:11:25,769 --> 00:11:27,896
Knock-knock.
Oh, come on.
224
00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:29,773
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
225
00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:33,318
Your friend, Stewie--
and he's always gonna be there for you.
226
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:39,366
-Yes. Table for two.
-I'm sorry. We have a 45-minute wait.
227
00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:42,160
Oh, isn't that too bad,
honey?
228
00:11:42,244 --> 00:11:44,997
Because I know waiting
in line at a restaurant...
229
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,124
really, uh,
grinds your gears.
230
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,001
Oh, my God! It's you!
231
00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:52,337
I loved your rant about
how bread is square and baloney is round.
232
00:11:52,421 --> 00:11:54,590
Oh, a table
just opened up.
233
00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:58,886
-Hey! We've been waiting. Shh!
-That's Michael Moore.
234
00:11:58,969 --> 00:12:01,346
Mr. Tucker,
we need this table.
235
00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:02,598
But I've
already ordered.
236
00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:06,560
Oh, we have a private
booth set up for you. This way.
237
00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,437
Griffin.
Diane.
238
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,857
I can't believe we got a table
at the hottest restaurant in town...
239
00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:13,442
without a reservation.
240
00:12:13,525 --> 00:12:15,444
We really are
moving up in the world.
241
00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:18,238
Yeah, but I'd love to see
what those private booths are like.
242
00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:24,161
This is totally unacceptable.
243
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,622
How long are you going to be?
I'm very hungry.
244
00:12:30,584 --> 00:12:33,045
Hey, B! Rupert and I
were just about to--
245
00:12:33,128 --> 00:12:35,380
E-e-excuse me.
Did you just call me "B"?
246
00:12:35,464 --> 00:12:37,549
Yes, B. Rupert and I
were just about to dine
247
00:12:37,633 --> 00:12:39,426
on this mixture of Play-Doh
and rug hair.
248
00:12:39,510 --> 00:12:41,512
Care to join?
Oh, no, thanks.
249
00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:43,805
I just thought
you might be interested in seeing this.
250
00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:47,518
This is the most
absolutely perfectly destroyed spider web.
251
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:50,103
-(gasps) Where's the spider?
-Knock-knock.
252
00:12:50,187 --> 00:12:51,438
Who's there?
I ate him!
253
00:12:51,522 --> 00:12:54,441
You bastard!
Who the hell do you think you are?
254
00:12:54,525 --> 00:12:57,069
Ha! I knew it.
I knew you hadn't really changed.
255
00:12:57,152 --> 00:13:00,739
Okay. So, I was faking being nice.
It's not the worst thing I've done.
256
00:13:00,822 --> 00:13:02,991
(cheering)
(bat hitting ball)
257
00:13:03,075 --> 00:13:05,410
Ooh! Steve, it's coming
right at us. Grab it!
258
00:13:05,494 --> 00:13:08,080
-I don't wanna get in the way.
-It's a foul ball.
259
00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:10,165
What harm can it do?
260
00:13:10,249 --> 00:13:13,460
Look, I really don't want to go to hell,
but I can't fight my nature.
261
00:13:13,544 --> 00:13:16,421
I'm just a hateful person.
You're not hateful.
262
00:13:16,505 --> 00:13:18,465
You just need to control
your anger like I do.
263
00:13:18,549 --> 00:13:20,509
(scoffs)
You mean by being sauced all day?
264
00:13:20,592 --> 00:13:22,719
Wait a minute.
Of course. That's it.
265
00:13:22,803 --> 00:13:25,514
If I'm drunk, I'll be calm.
If I'm calm, I'll be nice.
266
00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:26,932
If I'm nice, I won't go to hell.
267
00:13:27,015 --> 00:13:29,309
Fix me a highball.
I'm going to get good and tight.
268
00:13:29,393 --> 00:13:31,478
Look, you can't drink.
You're an infant, all right?
269
00:13:31,562 --> 00:13:33,689
Besides, there are
better ways to solve your problems.
270
00:13:33,772 --> 00:13:37,109
Oh, I suppose you're right.
Thanks, Brian. I was weak.
271
00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:38,318
No problem.
272
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:46,535
Oh, my God! Do you know
what it's time for?
273
00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:48,078
A sexy party!
274
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:51,790
(1960s pop music playing)
(all giggling)
275
00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,882
(giggling)
276
00:14:10,142 --> 00:14:14,271
-So, Brian, I-- oh, what?
-I didn't say anything.
277
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,690
I-I thought-- oh, I thought
you interrupted me.
278
00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:19,401
Do-don't interrupt me!
Are you okay?
279
00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:22,487
I'm as okay
as your face.
280
00:14:22,571 --> 00:14:25,199
(laughing)
281
00:14:25,282 --> 00:14:28,785
(wheezing)
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm s-sorry.
282
00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:32,372
So, honey, what are you
going to rant about today?
283
00:14:32,456 --> 00:14:34,958
-Could we get a little preview?
-Oh, I got a good one, Lois.
284
00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:38,128
Parents who let their kids
do anything they want. I hate that.
285
00:14:38,212 --> 00:14:41,131
You know? Like, when I'm in a restaurant
tryin' to enjoy my dinner...
286
00:14:41,215 --> 00:14:45,302
and little baby junior son-of-a-bitch
over there is screaming his head off.
287
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,471
Parents need
to control their kids.
288
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:51,099
Hey! Everybody, look!
I'm gonna do-- I'm gonna do something...
289
00:14:51,183 --> 00:14:52,518
that's gonna freak you out.
290
00:14:52,601 --> 00:14:56,855
I'm gonna jump from this shelf
to my high chair.
291
00:14:56,939 --> 00:15:00,901
I'm gonna jump. You-- are y-you watching?
Are you? Are you?
292
00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:03,403
Stewie, don't interrupt.
It grinds my gears when you do that.
293
00:15:03,487 --> 00:15:05,822
(screams)
Oh! He said it!
294
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:07,699
(giggles)
295
00:15:07,783 --> 00:15:10,285
You're gon--
you're gonna-- you're gonna miss it.
296
00:15:10,369 --> 00:15:12,329
You're gonna miss it.
You're gonna miss it.
297
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:16,083
(crash)
(Stewie groans, laughs)
298
00:15:16,166 --> 00:15:19,127
Oh, g-- oh, dude!
Did you see th-that?
299
00:15:19,211 --> 00:15:21,213
Did you guys--
oh, man. Look at this--
300
00:15:21,296 --> 00:15:24,508
Look at this gash. Look at this gash
right up the side of my leg.
301
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:27,010
Oh-ho! Oh!
I cut myself deep.
302
00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:29,847
-Oh! It doesn't hurt though.
-Uh, all right. Time for your nap.
303
00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:32,057
Don't worry, Lois.
I'll take him. Let's go.
304
00:15:33,058 --> 00:15:34,893
God! What--
what the hell?
305
00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:37,104
Why are you drag--
why are we in here?
306
00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:39,565
It's rude to the...
other people.
307
00:15:39,648 --> 00:15:41,441
You're drunk.
You're sexy.
308
00:15:41,525 --> 00:15:43,902
Listen, you have to
stop this, all right? No more drinking.
309
00:15:43,986 --> 00:15:45,737
-I'm sorry I even put it in your head.
-I don't know.
310
00:15:45,821 --> 00:15:48,866
I don't even know what your problem is.
I've never felt better.
311
00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:51,952
(vomits)
Okay, now I've never felt better.
312
00:15:55,664 --> 00:15:58,834
You know, Peter, there's gonna be
a lot of people watching tonight.
313
00:15:58,917 --> 00:16:01,670
Better keep your balls
on the prize-- eyeballs--
314
00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:03,380
On the ball.
Eyes on the ball.
315
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,966
(clears throat) Take two.
You know, Peter, there's gonna be...
316
00:16:06,049 --> 00:16:07,801
a lot of people
watching tonight.
317
00:16:07,885 --> 00:16:10,262
Better not screw up.
Use take two.
318
00:16:10,345 --> 00:16:12,973
Don't worry about me, Tom.
I'll be fine.
319
00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:15,267
We're on in three,
two--
320
00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:17,936
And now it's time for
"You Know What Really Grinds my Gears?"
321
00:16:18,020 --> 00:16:20,439
-with Peter Griffin.
-Thanks, Diane.
322
00:16:20,522 --> 00:16:23,692
-You know what really grinds my gears?
-Hey! Hey!
323
00:16:23,775 --> 00:16:26,111
Those x-ray specs
you used to buy out of the comics.
324
00:16:26,195 --> 00:16:29,031
-Hey! Screw up!
-I save up forever to buy these things,
325
00:16:29,114 --> 00:16:30,490
and when I finally get 'em yesterday,
326
00:16:30,574 --> 00:16:32,451
I couldn't see the inside
of my son's belly.
327
00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:37,289
Blah! Bah! Blah!
(blathering)
328
00:16:37,372 --> 00:16:39,666
See, I wanted to see
if he'd eaten the last Nilla wafer...
329
00:16:39,750 --> 00:16:41,502
'cause I told him
I wanted it.
330
00:16:41,585 --> 00:16:44,546
-I tell ya, that really grinds my gears.
-Pay attention to me!
331
00:16:44,630 --> 00:16:47,007
I'm trying to ruin you!
332
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:49,218
(door opens)
You wanted to see me, sir?
333
00:16:49,301 --> 00:16:53,096
You're fired, Tom. Turn in your press pass
and any other studio property.
334
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:00,854
What are we doing here?
335
00:17:00,938 --> 00:17:04,274
So, you like being drunk?
Fine. I'm gonna get you so drunk...
336
00:17:04,358 --> 00:17:06,068
you'll never wanna
drink again.
337
00:17:06,193 --> 00:17:07,528
Come on.
338
00:17:19,665 --> 00:17:23,001
Cold. It's so cold.
339
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:25,712
Thanks, Horace.
Hey, is he 18?
340
00:17:25,796 --> 00:17:28,340
-Horace, the drinking age is 21.
-Oh.
341
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:32,302
O-okay. Uh, uh...
342
00:17:32,386 --> 00:17:34,012
to the black man.
343
00:17:34,096 --> 00:17:37,558
Thanks for taking
it all in stride.
344
00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:46,108
'Cause suicide
is painless
345
00:17:46,191 --> 00:17:50,445
It brings on
many changes
346
00:17:50,529 --> 00:17:53,532
And I can take
or leave it
347
00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:56,660
If I please
348
00:17:58,370 --> 00:17:59,955
Was that--
was that good?
349
00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:02,291
Oh, God.
Thank you, man.
350
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:06,962
I can't believe
you saved all those.
351
00:18:07,045 --> 00:18:10,883
L-Lois-- L-Lois--
you think Lois'll like these?
352
00:18:10,966 --> 00:18:13,552
You love Lois!
Shut up!
353
00:18:13,635 --> 00:18:15,929
You know what?
Give me your keys.
354
00:18:16,013 --> 00:18:18,223
-Oh, no. I'm fine. No, no.
-Give me your keys.
355
00:18:18,307 --> 00:18:20,017
I'm fi--
I'm drivin'.
356
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,936
-Give me your keys. You're too drunk.
-I'm okay.
357
00:18:23,020 --> 00:18:26,690
Peter-- Meg-- Brian. You're too--
Brian, you're too drunk to drive.
358
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:28,984
I-I-I a-am-- I--
359
00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:31,570
You're right. Here.
Here you go.
360
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:37,451
(engine starts)
361
00:18:37,534 --> 00:18:38,911
(screaming)
362
00:18:39,912 --> 00:18:41,914
Shh!
363
00:18:41,997 --> 00:18:43,624
And that's it for sports.
364
00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:46,710
Now let's go to Ollie Williams
with the adopt-a-pet of the week.
365
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:48,629
-Who wants this dog?
-Thanks, Ollie.
366
00:18:48,712 --> 00:18:52,257
And now let's go to Peter Griffin
with "You Know What Really Grinds My--"
367
00:18:52,341 --> 00:18:55,010
Tom! What are you doing?
You don't work here anymore.
368
00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:57,304
Well, Diane, I have
an exclusive story--
369
00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:59,723
And I can't figure out
how to check my e-mail from home.
370
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:02,184
OLLIE: Did you check
your TCP/IP settings? Yes, I did, Ollie.
371
00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:03,644
Enable cookies?
Yes, Ollie.
372
00:19:03,727 --> 00:19:06,313
-You want this dog? No, thank you, Ollie.
-Roll tape.
373
00:19:06,396 --> 00:19:09,066
TOM: This was the scene
at the Drunken Clam last night,
374
00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:11,568
as a car driven by
an intoxicated infant...
375
00:19:11,652 --> 00:19:13,028
caused thousands of
dollars-worth of damage.
376
00:19:13,111 --> 00:19:15,113
Put th--
put this on my tab.
377
00:19:15,197 --> 00:19:17,616
It was--
it was, like, all slowed down.
378
00:19:17,699 --> 00:19:21,203
You know? And I was,
like, "whoa!" But I couldn't stop it.
379
00:19:21,286 --> 00:19:23,872
And who is the father
of the child in that car?
380
00:19:23,956 --> 00:19:25,707
Ooh! Tom! Tom!
I know this. I know this.
381
00:19:25,791 --> 00:19:27,751
Tom, over here. Tom!
Ooh! Ooh!
382
00:19:27,835 --> 00:19:32,005
The man you all respect so much.
Your beloved Peter Griffin.
383
00:19:32,089 --> 00:19:34,633
Good thing he didn't call on me.
I was gonna say "Grant Goodeve."
384
00:19:34,716 --> 00:19:38,887
Thanks, Tom. And now, neglectful father
and Quahog's newest social pariah,
385
00:19:38,971 --> 00:19:41,890
Peter Griffin, with another
segment of "Grind my Gears."
386
00:19:42,015 --> 00:19:43,392
-Peter.
-Thank you, Diane.
387
00:19:43,475 --> 00:19:47,145
You know what really grinds my gears?
People in the 19th century.
388
00:19:47,229 --> 00:19:49,690
Why don't they get
with the freakin' program?
389
00:19:49,773 --> 00:19:54,152
It's called an automobile,
folks. It's much faster than a horse.
390
00:19:55,112 --> 00:19:57,614
Oh. Well, it appears
I've been fired.
391
00:19:57,698 --> 00:20:01,118
Well, as long as I'm no longer
working here, let me tell you somethin'.
392
00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:04,663
You know what really
grinds my gears? You, America.
393
00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:06,957
(bleep) you! Diane.
394
00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:10,085
Hey, Tom. Catch!
395
00:20:18,677 --> 00:20:20,679
Did you miss daddy?
Did you miss daddy?
396
00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:23,932
Oh, no. It's all right.
It's-- oh, you're shaking.
397
00:20:29,813 --> 00:20:32,524
-Go away. Huh.
-Little hung over?
398
00:20:32,608 --> 00:20:34,985
I am never going
to drink again-- ever.
399
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:36,945
I hope you learned something
from all this.
400
00:20:37,029 --> 00:20:38,197
I certainly did, Brian.
401
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,115
It seems I'm still
finding myself.
402
00:20:40,199 --> 00:20:42,242
But, for the moment,
I've just got to accept the fact...
403
00:20:42,326 --> 00:20:45,204
that I'm an angry boy who'll occasionally
try to burn down a house...
404
00:20:45,287 --> 00:20:46,997
or toss a poison dart
at his mother.
405
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:50,626
After all, I can't let one near-death
experience change my whole life, can I?
406
00:20:50,709 --> 00:20:53,045
I'm glad you finally
figured that out.
407
00:20:53,128 --> 00:20:55,422
-You gonna be okay?
-Yes, yes, I'll be fine.
408
00:20:55,506 --> 00:20:58,008
I just wish I could remember
where I was last night.
409
00:20:58,091 --> 00:21:00,385
And who the hell "R.M." is.
410
00:21:03,263 --> 00:21:05,140
Oh, got to play
this one right, Roger.
411
00:21:05,224 --> 00:21:08,435
Can't seem desperate.
Wait three days, that's the rule.
412
00:21:10,187 --> 00:21:12,147
Oh, God!
I want to talk to him now!
413
00:21:12,231 --> 00:21:13,815
(dialing)
414
00:21:13,899 --> 00:21:15,108
(ringing)
415
00:21:15,192 --> 00:21:16,235
Damn!
416
00:21:19,988 --> 00:21:22,991
(theme music playing)
34058
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