All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S04E27.The.Griffin.Family.History.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-PHOENiX_track3_[eng]

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a Family Guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things
that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam...ily... Guy

-Peter, did you brush your teeth?
-Nah.

-Peter, brush your teeth.
-I don't wanna.

Peter, brush your teeth.

No, it's stupid.

Well, I guess
we're gonna have to do this the hard way.

No!
Open your mouth.

No! No!
Peter, open your mouth!

-(screaming) Show me your teeth!
-Show me your teeth!

(glass shattering)
Peter, did you hear that?

Oh, my God, there are men
breaking into our house.

Dad, what is it?
What's going on?

I heard a noise.

Is somebody downstairs?

Oh, God, Meg, you startled me.
I'm sorry.

What the hell's your problem,
you dumbass?

What the deuce
is all the commotion?

Quick,
everyone get in the attic.

Peter, what is that?

Well, I got the idea
to build a panic room

after I saw that movie,
The Butterfly Effect.

I thought,
"Wow, this is terrible.

"I wish I could escape
to a place

where this movie
couldn't find me,"

-and then-- What the hell
-are we waiting for?

These monitors
are for watching the house.

See, there's
Stewie's room, Chris' room, Meg's room...

Peter,
there's no phone in here.

How are we
gonna call the police?

Oh, my God.
We're all gonna die!

That's not true.

We'll survive by
eating each other.

But I think it's important for the last
one of us left alive to know this story.

The story
of the Griffin family history.

Here's how it all began.

Everything started
with the Big Bang.

It was a Saturday night,

and God
and his roommate Chugs were arm wrestling.

(chuckling) You're
going down, man.

(farts)

Oh, dude, that is sick.

Yeah! Undefeated!

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here--Here comes
another one. Quick, give me your lighter.

(loud bang)

Then, over millions of years,
evolution took its course.

Of course, I'm obligated
by the state of Kansas

to present the church's alternative
to the theory of evolution.

(theme from
I Dream of Jeannie playing)

After that,
a meteor hit the earth,

turning it
into a block of ice for some reason.

But then it thawed
and cavemen came.

Why Peter look sad?

Brian, Peter invent wheel.
Peter show wheel to people in town,

but no one want wheel.

Everyone excited
about trapezoid.

No one buy wheel.

Peter, you invent wheel?

That big breakthrough.

This maybe
make you millionaire.

Then how come no
one buy Peter wheel?

Maybe sales pitch
not good enough.

Brian help.

Okay, sell wheel
just like practice.

Not sure can do it.

You so money.
Don't know it.

Hi, me Peter.

Tired walking everyplace?

Need something make you go?

Peter wheel make you go.

Maybe Joe
want try wheel on chair.

For last time, Joe no want.

(screaming)

Brian, Peter fail again.

Not so fast.
Brian have other idea.

Anyone buy
wheel get dead bird.

(all mumbling)

Not working.
Try drastic measure.

Brian, what hell?

Hot lady next to wheel.

Make me want wheel.

Maybe if me buy wheel,
me get pretty lady, too. I buy wheel.

(all clamoring)

People want Peter wheel
thanks to sexy wife.

Tonight you and me
party like it's 9.

Damn all. What deuce?
Victory Stewie's.

There have been
many great Griffins throughout history,

including Moses Griffin,
who led the Jews out of Egypt.

All right, it's gonna be
a long journey, everyone,

but I will lead you
to freedom.

Now, Jews, ho!

Here we are, the Red Sea.

Now, all we gotta do
is swim across.

I didn't bring
my trunks.

I don't want
to step on a shell.

I can't get water
in my ears.

I ate 20 minutes ago.

You know, what they flush
in Cairo ends up right here.

(sighs) All right,
I'll see what I can do.

MAN #1: Oh,
I can part the Red Sea.

You know he hasn't
talked to his brother in three years?

All right, listen up.

Before we go any further,
I'm gonna lay down a few rules, all right?

Commandment Number One:
Shut the hell up.

Commandment Number Two:
There's nothing I can do about the sun.

Commandment Number Three:

There are
no more Jolly Ranchers, they're all gone.

Commandment Number Four:

When we pass a billboard,
please don't read it out loud, all right?

Now, come on,
let's get going.

MAN #1:
Ooh, look at that.

"Danny Gans,
Entertainer of the Year."

What did I say?

MAN #2: "Hassle-free checking."
MOSES: Damn it!

-MAN #3: "Mancow in the morning."
-Shut up!

Peter,
can we stop the stories for a minute?

We need to figure out
how we're gonna survive.

I mean, is there
even any food in here?

Right, good thinking.

Meg,
go get us some sandwiches.

Wait a minute,
that's a great idea.

If Meg
can get through the vent,

she can sneak out
and go get help.

Dad,
I can't go through the vent.

Yeah, she's right. We need
to grease her up so she doesn't get stuck.

Everybody, spit on Meg.

Stop! Stop! Ah!
Stop! Okay, okay!

I meant I can't do it
because there are burglars down there.

Come on,
they're not gonna touch you.

You're covered with spit.

Be careful, Meg.

(Meg screaming)

I hate you all!

Hey, I hate you too, bitch.

Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding.
Can you imagine?

You think Meg
made it through the vent?

Well, let's find out.

Oh, there she is.
She's in the kitchen.

Hey, Meg. I see you
there in the kitchen.

Put my sandwich
on whole wheat, please.

No, no, no, no,
don't--don't use that mustard.

Use the other mustard.

Oh, God, Meg,
they know you're there.

Quick,
scrape that mustard off.

Use the other mustard!

Oh, no.
The burglars got my baby.

I think they're making a sign
to tell us something.

Better not be
using my crayons, mixing them up.

"We have your son."

Meg's our daughter.

Peter, do something!

You know, Meg being captured
by evil men reminds me of another story.

It's distracting.

Um, this is the story
of my ancestor Nate Griffin.

Of course,
Nate Griffin was his slave name.

His real name
was Richard Bachman.

And this
is the story of his roots.

It all began in Africa
in the tiny village of Quahogswana

where he was a proud member
of the tribe of Tootie-and-Blair.

Hey, Quagdingo,
how was your date last night?

Oh, it was awesome. You never feel
as big as you do with a pygmy.

Hey, you guys
wanna go get a drink at Club 227?

Not today, Joemama.

I'm going off to find
a log to build a drum,

so I can play
the opening part from Hot For Teacher.

I'll see you guys later.

Coming up in this half hour,

flies on your face:
how many is too many?

But first,
that orange thing in the sky

and what you can do
to please it.

You know, you shouldn't be
poking around out here.

White men
have been spotted nearby,

laying traps and forming
slo-pitch softball leagues.

Well,
whatever makes them happy.

Live and let live,
that's what I say.

And I'm sure
that's what they say, too.

Hello. I'm Cleveland
from South Carolina.

Wow, you're
a different color than me.

Would you like to be equals?

-Hey, you wanna play I Spy again?
-No!

I spy something beige.

Wood.
Yeah.

Hello and welcome to the news
at what I suspect is dawn.

Our top story
continues to be,

where is this
giant canoe heading?

But first,
let's go to Ollie Williams

with
the portside window report.

Ollie?
I saw a fish!

Thanks, Ollie.
And now, sleep.

(both snoring)

Hey, guys,
one of my cuffs is loose.

If we can break out of here,
I've got an idea

how to give
the captain of this boat what he deserves.

(door creaking)

Hey, where's the captain?

I don't know.
I haven't seen him all morning.

Are you ready
for the summer?

Are you ready
for the sunshine?

Are you ready for...

(all cheering)

You dirty...

(laughing) This is gonna be
the best summer ever.

And it was.

But Nate soon found himself
put to work on a Southern plantation.

It was way down there.

You know,
where you stop seeing Howard Johnsons

and you start
seeing Stuckey's.

Anyway,
it was a horrible place

where they took away
everybody's African names

and gave them new names.

What's your name?

Tobi with an "I."

With an accent over the "I,"
and a little line over the "O,"

so you know it's a long vowel sound
and not a short one.

And sometimes
I like to dot the "I"

with a little smiley face
or a heart or something.

Something
to brighten the reader's day.

I asked you
what your name was.

Honey, you keep that up,
it's whatever you want it to be.

Of course,
back then, the South

was a very different place
than it is today.

A backward place
where they didn't believe in science

and hated others
just for being different.

Time has a way
of changing a place and its people.

Uh, excuse me.
Hi. Yeah, is--is there, like,

a human resources guy
we could talk to?

-Um, I have a work-related grievance.
-What?

Yeah, the quarters are too crowded,
the hours are long,

and, uh, you know,
I don't like to be "this guy,"

but a couple of the overseers
have been making racial slurs.

And then,
all of a sudden, he saw her.

Lois Laura Bush
Lynne Cheney Pewterschmidt,

the plantation
owner's daughter.

Of course, ordinarily, black guys
aren'tattracted to white women,

but she
was something different.

As a poet might say,
she was the kind of woman

you just want to have sex with
over and over.

With the kind of breasts
you just wanna push together

so she looks
like a cross-eyed torso.

He knew he had to have her.

(stones tapping)

(neighing)

Is someone there?

Lois!
Who are you?

Hi. I'm Nate Griffin.

I work against my will
for your dad.

Oh, yeah?
Well, what do you do?

Well, let's just say
I know my way around a hoe.

(both chuckling)

And from the moment that piece of
off-color blue comedy was uttered,

their lives
were changed forever.

-You wanna do it? You bet
-your sweet black ass I do.

So for the next 15 years,
they raised a family in secrecy.

Supper's ready!
Come and get it, kids!

You know the best part
about being half-black and half-white?

When I grow up, I'll be
accepted by everybody.

A-ha!

(gasps) Daddy!

Just as I thought!

Lois, how in God's name
could you embarrass the family like this?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Sitting right here.

Daddy,
you're the embarrassment.

Nate and I love each other!

Tell it to the authorities,
because you're all going to jail!

Run!

And so they set off on
their escape to the North.

Luckily, they were helped
by Nate's good friend, Al Cowlings,

who showed up
on his trusty white bronco.

But the law
was hot on their trail.

Well, we're getting a good view
of the chase from up here, Tom.

That's right, Diane. We're looking at
Nate Griffin and Al Cowlings,

the man we believe
to be Al Cowlings.

We'll stay with the chase.

Um, it seems like
a futile effort on their part, Diane.

At some point, that horse is going to have
to stop and eat some grain.

But luck
was on their side

and eventually,
they made it to the North.

After that,
Nate devoted his life

to getting back
at the white man

for the injustice of slavery

by inventing the
Department of Motor Vehicles.

-Sir, did you fill out the 1170?
-I think I did.

Did you fill out the 1170?
I filled this out.

That's the 1190. You're gonna have
to go stand in the blue line.

Look,
I was already in that line.

Sir,
don't get snippy with me.

What?
I've been here all morning.

That is not my prerogative,
sir.

I-I wait in one line,
they send me to another line...

You know what? You can always call
to make an appointment.

I tried to call!
I can't get through.

The line's always busy!
It's ridiculous.

You can go wait
in the appointment line, then.

I know! I don't wanna wait!
Sir, I can't help you.

(indistinct arguing)

You're gonna have to take
that somewhere else.

-It shouldn't be this hard!
-You know what? I'm on break.

Peter, enough
with the storytelling.

We gotta get outta here!
They're gonna kill Meg!

Oh, yeah?
Over Meg's dead body.

Hey! A flare gun.
Good idea, Peter.

If we angle it
through the vent,

we might be able
to alert the authorities.

Oh, my God!
We're gonna drown!

We'll be fine.
Here, put these on.

Peter, these are parachutes.

What are we
supposed to do with these?

They're supposed
to distract you

while I put on
the one scuba suit.

(coughing)

What's the matter?

That wasn't oxygen.

That was a tank
of Tony Danza's breath.

I wonder
who got my oxygen tank.

Kiss me, Tony.

I want your breath inside me.

(inhaling)

Hey!

Well, as long as death
is staring us in the face,

I might as well tell you
about my great-grandfather,

who was the greatest
silent movie star of the '20s.

His name was
Willie "Black-Eye" Griffin,

and his ocular misadventures
made him a star.

(music playing)

(no dialogue)

"Black-Eye" Griffin
and his family

were among
the wealthiest people in Hollywood.

They spent their idle time
cavorting, doing the Charleston,

and enjoying America's prosperity
following World War I,

which, at that time,
was called International Civil War II.

But the golden years
soon ended.

Sadly,
"Black-Eye" Griffin's voice

just wasn't right
for the talking pictures.

Pardon me, madam.
I'm the truant officer.

I found these two children of yours
playing hooky from school.

Oh, my!
This will never do, will it, dear?

(babbling) Chris, you gotta...
You gotta...

It's important for you
to get an education!

Get in there
and finish your homework!

It was a simpler time.
It was a better time.

Well, no matter what happens to us,
I just hope Meg's okay.

So, is...
Is this, like, the part

-where you guys have your way with me?
-What?

You know,
where I'm, like, helpless,

and you guys take turns.
You know?

Oh, no!
Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no!

BURGLAR: What did she say?

She asked
if we were gonna have our way with her.

-Ew!
-Seriously. I won't scream or anything.

No!
No! I... I... No. No sale.

Come on! I'm pretty!

(screaming)

(panting)

Are you okay?

Yeah. I was so scared.

Well, it sure would suck
if you guys died

without hearing the story
of my great-uncle, Peter Hitler,

who was Adolf's
favorite brother.

Hey, there you are.

Hey, you ready to go check out that
new skin flick over at the Boobengarden?

Peter,
can't you see I'm busy?

Yeah? What are you doing?

Stuff?
Yes.

Nazi stuff?

Yes, Peter. Nazi stuff.

Can I help?

No, Peter.
Just let me work, all right?

All right, all right.
Okay. All right.

(sputtering)

Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look.

Addy, I'm Tojo.

Addy. Addy, look.
I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo.

(humming)

I am from Japan.

(imitating gong)

(groans)

(exclaims)

Sweet!

(imitating gunfire)

That's what
a gun sounds like.

Will you stop that?

Hey, can I borrow 50 Marks?

Oh, what happened
to the 50 Marks I gave you last week?

Oh, come on.
Your girlfriend's not cheap.

Ooh! (chuckling)

Just kidding.
Oh, look at your face.

Hey, whatever happened
with that art school?

You ever gonna
take another crack at that?

Look,
I'm going to do a rally.

I'll be back in an hour.

A rally? Sweet.

(crowd cheering)

The days of despair
and hardship are over!

Today begins a new order!

All of Europe will tremble

as Germany takes its rightful place
as ruler of the world!

Oh, yeah!

Yes. As I was saying,
the time for victory is upon us!

Victory up the ass, baby!
Yeah, come on!

A new-- A new world!
A better world!

A German world!

Yeah! Germanator!
I'll be back! Whoo! Yeah!

We will emerge
as the dominant people!

And it's all
'cause of you guys. You know what?

You guys, with your marching,
and your letters, and your phone calls...

This--This is
all thanks to you.

You--You made this happen,
you guys.

You know... My God.

Give yourselves
a round of applause.

Come on. You deserve it.
You deserve it.

Hey, what do you say
we all head over to the Boozenpuken, eh?

Free beer
on this motherfuhrer! Eh? Come on!

(all cheering)

Well, that's pretty much
all there is to tell, kids.

The Griffin family history
is a rich tapestry.

But since
we're all gonna die,

there's one more secret
I feel I have to share with you.

-I did not care for The Godfather.
-What?

Did not care
for The Godfather.

How can you
even say that, Dad?

Didn't like...
Didn't like it.

Peter, it's so good.
It--It's like the perfect movie.

This is what everyone
always says whenever...

Robert De Niro,
Al Pacino...

I mean, you never see...
Robert Duvall!

(stuttering) I know.
Fine, fine actor.

Did not like the movie.

-Why not? Did not...
-Couldn't get into it.

Explain yourself.
What didn't you like about it?

-It--It insists upon itself, Lois.
-What?

It insists upon itself.
What does that even mean?

'Cause it has
a valid point to make, it's insistent!

It takes forever getting in,
and then you spend, you know,

like six-and-a-half hours,
and then, you know,

I can't even get through it.
I can't even finish the movie.

-I've never even seen the ending.
-You've never seen the ending?

Well, how can you say
you don't like it

if you haven't
even given it a chance?

-I agree with Stewie. It's not fair.
-It's outrageous.

I have tried on three separate occasions
to get through it,

and I... I get to the scene
where all the guys

are sitting around
on the easy chairs...

-That's a great scene. I love that scene.
-It's noted in every annal.

I have no idea
what they're talking about.

It's like they're speaking
a different language.

-That's where I lose interest and go away.
-They're speaking Italian!

The language they're speaking
is the language of subtlety,

something
you don't understand.

I love The Money Pit.

That is my answer
to that statement.

Exactly.
Well, there you go.

Whatever.
I like that movie, too.

Thank God
you guys are okay!

Wow! You saved our lives,
Mr. Swanson!

We've captured the burglars.

Oh, thank God.

Unfortunately,
they're pressing sexual harassment charges

against your daughter.

Well, that was a close call.

You know...

Meg should
probably get a lawyer.

Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping
our spirits up with your stories.

Your daughter's
a sexual predator.

If you don't do anything,
she could go to jail for a long time.

Don't thank me, Lois.
Thank my ancestors

for living
lives of greatness.

All right, guys,
just take her away.

Dad, help!

(Meg screaming)

Dad!
Have fun at the dance, Meg.

I hope she does.
That kid really deserves it.

(theme music playing)