Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a Family Guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam...ily... Guy

Oh, Brian, we're so thrilled your gay cousin, Jasper,

finally decided to come visit.

Me, too. It's been way too long.

Anyway, thanks for putting him up.

No problem, Brian.

It's great to have visitors.

Except for that time Moby Dick stayed with us.

Do you have any Raisin Bran?

Uh, oh, no, sorry.

(sighs)

Well, can you go get me some?

Uh, boy, that's kind of a pain in the...

(stutters) We do have, uh...

We got Total, and we got some raisins.

I mean, you could, like, mix those together.

I mean, it would be kind of like Raisin Bran.

Mmm, yeah, but it's not.

It'd be like Raisin Bran, but it's not Raisin Bran.

That would be like Total with raisins in it.

That's just splitting hairs here.

It's not really doing it for me.

What time did you say your flight was?

Oh, no locks. Thank you, Homeland Security.

Hey, bud, take a break. I'll take over.

-Go smoke a fatty. -Thanks!

MAN ON RADIO: This is Sierra Tango 817,

Matthew McConaughey's private jet,

requesting permission to land.

Matthew McConaughey?

Oh, sorry, Sierra Tango 817.

All our runways are filled.

MAN: But it looks empty from up here. We're almost out of fuel.

No, no. No room at all.

But, lucky for you, there's a big, new airport

out in the middle of the ocean.

Keep going. You can't miss it.

-MAN: Roger that. -(beeping)

Oops. Well, look at it this way.

I just got you on next year's Oscar telecast.

You'll be right after Ron Howard!

(dramatic music plays)

Just messing with you, Ron.

-Or maybe not! -(dramatic music plays)

No, seriously, I am.

Or am I? No.

Oh, there's Jasper's plane.

-Where? -Third one in line.

Oh, it's one of them new niche airlines.

(tires screeching) (banging)

Hey, Cousin!

(chuckles) Hey, hey, Jasper!

Everybody, this is Ricardo,

from the Philippines and my kitchen floor.

How was your flight?

Oh, torture! Five hours on my moneymaker,

sitting across from a gaggle of sailors

flying home on leave.

Here I am in a committed relationship,

and all I can think about is having a piece of Navy cake.

"Hello. Who's that on the phone?" "Temptation!"

How does he always get my number? I don't know.

Anyway, I got big news, and I'll tell you over dinner. Greek. On me.

But enough about last weekend.

(chuckles) I'm terrible!

Uck! This idiot will fit in with our family

as badly as Peter fit in with The Proclaimers.

THE PROCLAIMERS: But I would walk 500 miles

And I would walk 500 more

Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles

To fall down at your door

-THE PROCLAIMERS:Da-da-da -Da-da-da

-THE PROCLAIMERS:Da-da-da -Da-da-da

-THE PROCLAIMERS:Da-da -Da-da-da-da-da

I'm singing! I'm singing!

Hey, Chris, this field trip is your chance, man.

Alyssa is all alone.

She's so pretty that if your Hacky Sack were my private parts,

I'd let her do that to them.

What? Kick them around?

Um, wait. Yes.

Welcome, citizens. Today we commemorate

those brave Quahog soldiers

who perished in the recent Gulf conflict.

I can think of no greater tribute to their memories

than this solid gold statue

of Dig 'Em, the Sugar Smacks frog.

-(crowd murmuring) -MAN: What is that?

The spirit of America

is epitomized by his inspiring motto,

"Smack, smack, Sugar Smack.

"Give me a smack, and I'll smack you back."

(crowd shouting)

I'd also like to take this opportunity

to announce extreme budget cutbacks

having almost nothing to do with this solid gold statue.

Have you ever seen such a waste of the taxpayers' money?

You're talking to me!

This is more exciting than that time

me and my friends did mushrooms.

This is gonna be awesome!

You said it.

(in deep voice) Man, you guys feel anything yet?

(in deep voice) I feel kind of funny.

(in deep voice) I got a bellyache.

We shouldn't have did this, man.

Lois, darling, those earrings are delicious. Total kitsch.

Like an Andy Warhol wet dream.

I'm opening a museum and putting you in it, they're that fabulous.

You think it's clever talking like that, do you?

You think it's funny?

Talking about earrings, and using words

like "fabulous" and "delicious" and "wet."

What's next? A workout

followed by a romp around a crowded room while the music goes...

(mimics throbbing music)

Oh, why'd you stop?

Hey, Jasper, let me ask you something.

When you're in the shower at the "Y,"

is-is that just like Supermarket Sweep for you guys,

or is there some kind of etiquette?

Peter, stop it.

God! You're more clueless than Popeye.

Sir, I think you should know these growths on your forearms,

they're giant tumors.

(talking gibberish)

Oh, dear.

Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't realized

this is not how a human being is supposed to look.

(talking gibberish)

And the speech thing, and what you're doing with your eye?

Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago.

(talking gibberish)

That you've managed to be walking around all this time

is nothing short of a miracle.

(talking gibberish)

I'd say about two months.

Okay, all right, time for the big announcement.

Everyone, Ricardo and I are getting married!

Oh, that is terrific!

It's about time you two settled down.

Oh, you hear that, Meg?

Guys can marry other guys now.

So... This is awkward, but, uh,

I mean, if they can do that, that's pretty much it for you, isn't it?

I mean, you might as well pack it in. Game over.

Uh, Alyssa, hi.

I--I was wondering if maybe you wanted to...

-do something sometime? -Sure, Chris.

I have a Young Republicans meeting after school. You wanna come?

Oh, sure. W-What do you do at a Young Republicans meeting?

We help those who already have the means to help themselves.

Also, we perpetuate the ideal

that Jesus chose America to destroy nonbelievers and brown people.

I don't understand what you're saying, but somehow I feel safer.

(no discernible dialog)

Karl, this is Chris.

He wants to join our club.

Karl is our chancellor.

Well, Chris, we'd be happy to have you.

There's just one little rite of initiation.

Oh, this is one fine day to be nude

Yeah, this is one fine day to be nude

(birds chirping)

The birds are singing, "Clinton, have a wonderful spring"

And people walking by

Can stop and look at my thing

Oh, this is one fine day

Liberal chubby chaser!

(laughing) Well, if you can't laugh at yourself...

(shouting)

I'm here at the parking lot outside city hall,

where hundreds of citizens have come out in protest

of the Mayor's decision to spend the town's treasury on a gold frog.

I don't like it.

And I don't like the contraction "apostrophe-E-M."

As far as I'm concerned, his name is Dig Them.

You're not welcome here, Dig Them.

I stand behind my decision.

This press conference is over.

I can't see you now. I can't hear you now. You're not here now.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

Well, there you have it. Back to you, Tom.

Thanks, Tom. Some damn fine reporting.

Damn fine. Diane?

Well, it's encouraging to know

that I'm not the only Mayor West who's facing difficulties.

But what I need now is a diversion.

Let's see.

Mmm. "Jingle keys."

(crowd shouting)

My God! I'm a tomato!

ANNOUNCER: And now back to The Sound of Music.

(dramatic music playing)

(engines sputtering)

Oh, thank heaven.

The Von Trapp family escaped!

Reverend Mother, I have sinned.

What is this sin, my child?

Oh, well. No harm done.

I too have sinned, Mother.

Oh, my God!

That's Rolfe!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Hey, I didn't start this war, but it's on!

Oh, Lois, there you are.

Listen, Ricardo and I wanna thank you

for letting us have the wedding here.

Oh! You're--You're having the wedding here?

Yeah. I hope that's okay, Lois. I offered them the house.

Oh, uh, sure. N-No problem.

Hey, McButt the Crime Dog,

I heard you and your little chew toy getting it on last night.

-Keep it down. -Sorry, little man.

Ricardo and I were playing Clue,

and he got me in the bedroom with a lead pipe.

Peter, I'm not sure I'm comfortable

having this wedding at the house.

Lois, I don't know what the big deal is. So they're gay.

It's not like we're gonna have a gay sex orgy in the living room.

That's not what I'm talking about.

I've got nothing against homosexuals.

I mean, I'll watch anything with David Schwimmer.

But the idea of two men actually getting married,

it just doesn't seem right.

Hey, I say who cares, you know?

If gays wanna get married and be miserable like the rest of us,

-I say we should let them. -JASPER: Oh, no!

-What's wrong? -Look.

Some breaking news today when Mayor West announced he will sign

a citywide ban on gay marriages next week.

While controversial, it has nonetheless

effectively distracted all of us from the Dig 'Em fiasco.

-The what? -I don't know. Something about a lizard.

And now this.

Look at that.

In the '30s, they called this an Uncle Spinny Dervish.

-Really? -I don't know. I'm just bored.

A ban on gay marriage? Oh, my God!

(door bell rings)

Matthew McConaughey?

Yeah, I'm looking for a guy named Stewie.

Ow!

Chris, grab his legs. I gotta bury this thing.

-But I... -(shouts) Grab his legs!

I can't believe the wedding's off.

All I ever wanted was to get married

and make a home with a skinny, hairless Filipino boy.

Isn't that the American dream?

Oh, don't give up yet, Jasper.

Mayor West only banned gay marriage

so he could distract from the Dig 'Em scandal.

-He won't get away with it. -Mmm.

Oh, Jasper, where'd you get these brownies?

They're from a bakery in the West Quahog gay district.

I thought they'd help my depression.

Oh, I can see why. Oh, my God,

they pack so much fudge into these.

And--And look at this. There's even a couple of nuts lodged in there.

I'm going upstairs.

Oh, I've got to do something.

Jasper's always been there for me when I've needed him.

I am gonna make Mayor West change his mind.

But, Brian, the Bible says gay marriage is an abomination.

Oh, don't give me that Young Republican crap, Chris.

The Bible also says a senior citizen built an ark

and rounded up two of every animal.

-Hey. -Yeah?

What the hell is this?

Oh, you didn't really give any specific guidelines about mating.

-Did you name it? -What?

-Did you name it? -Uh, yeah, he's Paul.

Yeah? Well, it's gonna be a hell of a lot harder for you now,

because he's going the (bleeps) overboard.

-(doorbell rings) -Hi, Glenn.

Uh, hey, will you sign a petition to overturn

Mayor West's ban on gay marriage?

Gay marriage? Oh, come on,

two halves can't make a whole without a hole.

Giggity, Giggity, Giggity, Giggity.

Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang- walla-walla-bing-bang

Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang-walla-walla- bing-bang

You get off my property, you pervert.

Uh, Mr. Bottomtooth, would you like to sign the petition?

(incoherently speaking)

Uh, I--I don't... W-W-What's--What's-- What's the problem?

(incoherently speaking)

Ah! Okay. Thank you.

(mumbling) Amazing grace

How sweet the sound

Chris, did you hear?

Some dog is going around town trying to get support for gay marriage.

Oh, that's Brian. He's got a petition.

Really? Chris, you've got to destroy that petition.

-Why? -Because if you do,

I'll let you touch my boobs.

Is--Is--Is that good? Do--Do I want that?

Oh, yeah, you want that.

Well, fantastic then.

How can I help you, Mrs. Griffin?

Well, I'm having a bit of a crisis.

I'm a very open-minded person,

and I've never had any problem with gays before,

but something about two gay people getting married,

I--I just don't think it's right.

Well, these questions are too big

to be decided by human beings.

Which is why God made this film.

(projector whirring)

(beeps)

(fanfare)

You know, there's been a lot of talk lately about homosexuals,

but how do you know what to believe?

Well, here are a few tips that may help you tell when you've got a gay.

So, uh, what's your favorite Madonna album?

I like her early work.

-MAN: If his answer is anything but -"I've never bought one,"

-(bangs) -you've got a gay.

Let's take a blood sample, Mr. Braga.

(sizzles)

MAN: If instead of human blood,

you find a deadly corrosive acid,

-you've got a gay. -(bangs)

(roars)

(screeches)

MAN: Not this time, nancy boy.

Well, that was interesting.

I also have My Giant with Billy Crystal.

Oh, God, no, no.

Well, we almost have enough signatures,

thanks to Quahog's gay district.

Lois, how'd you like to be signature number 10,000?

-Brian, I can't sign this. -Why not?

Well, because I don't believe in gay marriage.

You don't believe... Lois, that's ridiculous.

Gay people have every right to get married.

Well, they certainly have every right to be together,

but marriage should be between a man and a woman.

Well, that's not how they do it in West Quahog.

By the way, Lois, I got a piercing over there.

I'm not gonna tell you where, but I'll give you a hint.

It wasn't my nose or my ear, and it was one of my balls.

Well, regardless of what you think,

this is going to change Mayor West's mind,

and we are gonna have Jasper's wedding here.

Fine. Then until this is all over, I'll stay somewhere else.

Come on, Stewie, we're going to Grandma and Grandpa's.

Fine, I'll go, but I'm not missing that gay wedding.

I still kick myself for missing

that topless cheerleader parade

with the 100-foot chocolate teddy bear

and the F-16s doing aerial acrobatics,

choreographed to the music of Queen.

Oh, I remember that day.

Huh. Should have gone to that thing.

-(gasps) -(flicks)

My petition! What the hell are you doing?

I'm going to get to touch right-wing boob because of this.

You idiot! Now I'm going to have to get 10,000 more signatures

before tomorrow morning. What were you thinking?

You don't understand, Brian.

When was the last time you were even with a woman?

-Uh, when did the Challenger blow up? -'86.

Yeah, it was like three years before that.

Mayor West, here's the gay marriage ban for your approval.

Excellent. This is so important,

I'm going to sign it with all capital letters.

It's going to say, "Adam West"!

That's what it's going to say, you'll see.

Hey, buddy, you can't go in there.

(panting)

Mayor West, you have to look at this.

Ten thousand signatures.

I've been up for 24 hours,

I paid off a few people

and I did a few things in West Quahog I'm not proud of.

(theme music playing)

So, it's a show about three hookers and their mom?

This is very impressive, but my decision stands.

No!

Come on, buddy, you're leaving.

No, I can't let Jasper down!

-(gun cocking) -I'm not going to let you sign that.

Go on, get out of here!

I should warn you, I have a tiny bullet-proof shield,

the exact size of a bullet, somewhere on my body.

And if you hit it, I'll be unharmed, and your plan will be foiled.

You'll be the laughingstock of me.

I don't want to shoot you, Mayor West.

Good, because I'm incredibly crafty.

Hey, what's that on the ceiling?

(laughing)

Now I'm over here.

Look, t-this has gotten out of hand, I know.

I--I--I don't want anyone to get hurt.

But you can put an end to this right now

by tearing up that gay marriage ban.

You won't break me.

15 years ago I swallowed everything I needed

to escape from a hostage situation.

(hacking)

(gasps) A wall!

Well, no matter.

I'm prepared for a lengthy captivity as well.

(hacking)

I swallowed this People magazine in 1989.

All right, Paul Hogan, tell me about the real Crocodile Dundee.

It's so nice to have you home, dear.

I can take it or leave it.

God, this is such an old-people house, you know.

I mean, look at this candy jar.

Let's--Let's, uh, take a look in here.

Let's--Let's see what you got here. You got...

You got licorice. Oh, that's, uh, that's...

Oh, Freedent. Oh, that's good.

Yeah--Yeah, I got a-- I got a sweet tooth,

I think I'll have some Freedent.

Yeah. Oh. Oh, what's this? Oh, a cough drop.

A Luden's cough drop.

Is that candy? No, I don't think that's candy. I think it's a cough drop!

Uh, what else we got? Oh, oh, oh, look at-- look. Look at this.

There's a fishing lure in here.

There's a fishing lure in the candy jar.

(stammers) What? Am I supposed to eat this?

Eat a fishing lure? Hey, look, Brian's on TV.

FEMALE REPORTER: And now, some Channel 5 exclusive footage

of the crazed homosexual gunman

who's taken Mayor West hostage.

Oh, my God!

Brian's taken the Mayor hostage?

Is this an eyeglass lens?

I didn't realize how strongly he feels about this.

(scoffs) Gay marriage.

Next thing you know, they'll want to vote.

Oh, oh, look at this. A spare key

for a Volkswagen Scirocco.

They--They don't even make this anymore.

They don't even make this car anymore.

Whose key could this possibly be?

What if Brian's right?

I mean, certainly the love between a man and a woman should be sacred, but...

Who's talking about love? We're talking about marriage.

Well, don't you love Mom?

Come on, Lois, look at her.

So two straight people who hate each other

have more of a right to be together

than two gay people who love each other?

That's what we raised you to believe.

Oh, my God! I've made a terrible mistake!

I've been brainwashed, like Elizabeth Smart.

It's so wonderful having her home again.

She's brought music back into the house.

Playing songs on the harp.

Of course most of them are about rape, but it's still nice.

I think I made Brian crazy.

Maybe I shouldn't have burned that petition.

Oh no, Chris, you did the right thing.

It's only a matter of time before Mayor West signs that bill,

and you'll get to touch these.

Oh, boy, I got a feeling that before the end of the day,

I'm going to be burying my dog.

Whoa, whoa. I said you could touch my boobs. Let's start with that.

Look, Peter, if you can't get Brian to come out peacefully,

we're going to have to take him down.

Don't worry, Joe, I'm good with tight situations.

Like when I saved Luke Skywalker's life.

Okay, Luke, this'll keep you warm

until I get the shelter built.

You're sure this is okay?

Yeah, you're just cutting into the fat.

All right, Brian, Peter's coming in!

I'll relax him by using my catchphrase.

(mimics Italian accent) Hey, what's up with you?

(audience laughing)

-What the hell was that? -My catchphrase.

You don't have a catchphrase.

(mimics Italian accent) Why you gotta say like that?

(audience laughing)

Excuse me.

(hacks)

Would anyone like to play Stratego?

I have Stratego.

Oh, Peter, I never meant for this to happen.

This--This whole situation has totally spiraled out of control.

Brian, listen to me. I was wrong.

If two people love each other, they should have the right to get married.

But you have to come down and give yourself up.

If you drag this out any longer,

you're only hurting your own cause.

(sighs)

She's right. I'm sorry, Mayor West.

Well, you were only doing what you thought was right, Brian.

And, hey, you've distracted everyone from the Dig 'Em statue,

so I guess we don't need this bill anymore.

(mimics Italian accent) Everybody happy!

(Bridal Chorus playing)

Well, it sure was nice of Mayor West

to drop the kidnapping charges.

It's amazing. All he asked for in return

was the key to a Volkswagen Scirocco.

You're welcome.

Listen, Lois, I--I really appreciate

you putting your discomfort aside,

so we could have the wedding here.

Oh, please, I'm over all that now.

Two men getting married doesn't bother me in the least.

They deserve happiness.

(mimics Italian accent) Everybody gay!

(laughing)

(theme music playing)