All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S04E24.Peterotica.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-PHOENiX_track3_[eng]

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things
that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam...ily... Guy

Guys, this is the best
dirty bookstore in town.

Family owned,
great hours,

and lots of parking
in the rear.

Get it?

Giggity, Giggity,
Giggity, Gig-gig-gig-gig!

Wow. You usually expect
these places to be dirty.

No, it's pretty clean.

Carol Burnett works
part time as a janitor.

You know, when she tugged her ear
at the end of that show,

she was really saying
good night to her mom.

(chuckling) I wonder what she tugged
to say good night to her dad.

Oh! Giggity,
(scatting) Goo.

What you staring at, Joe?

These dolls all look
really surprised for some reason.

I wonder
what they're all so surprised about.

(yelling) What? You never seen
a handicapped man before?

They're polyurethane
sex toys, Joe.

They're not capable
of judgment.

And even if they were,
who cares?

They're whores.

Wow, an old-time penny show.

"The Naughty Flapper Girl."

Oh, hot! She's voting!

Yeah. You break
all the rules, eh?

Yeah, that's right.
Vote for Taft, you dirty girl.

Hey, Quagmire.
What's through that door?

Oh, that's the exit.

Of course, in this place
every exit's also an entrance.

Giggity, Giggity, Giggity, Goo.

Make 'em laugh,
make 'em laugh

Don't you know
all the world loves to laugh

I always try and find
the hottest chick in the place

I crack her on the noggin
with a lamp or a vase

And then when she's unconscious
I do stuff to her face

Make 'em laugh,
make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh

Meg, I need you
to baby-sit Stewie tomorrow afternoon.

Mom, you know
I go to the mall on Saturdays.

I mean,
I do have a life.

Hey, what time is it?
We're gonna miss the movie.

Yeah. Let's go, everyone.

(sniffing)

Hey. Hey!

(hissing)

Wow, Peter!
That's a book, isn't it?

That's the first time
I've seen you reading something

that didn't later
turn out to just be a sandwich.

Yeah. It's an erotic book.
I bought it at that sex shop.

I got to tell you though,
I've read four chapters

of this, and it's not
sexy at all.

"Much Ado About Humping."
Well, sounds sexy.

Peter,
would you put that away?

I don't like you
reading smut at the table.

Yeah.
If only this were smut, Lois.

"He rubbed
her shoulder sensually."

What the hell is that?
That's not sexy.

You can't do somebody
in the shoulder.

Why don't you
and that book get a room?

Did you hear
what I said, Brian?

I said-- I said,
"Why don't you and that--"

"That book get a room."
Yeah.

Okay. I just want to
make sure you heard.

Hey, guys.
Tell me if this letter sounds all right.

"Dear Reek Publishing,

"I was highly disappointed
by your erotic novel.

"Here's what I
would have wrote.

"'It was past midnight when the blonde,
smoking-hot lab assistant,

"'who looked a little like Heather
Locklear, only with bigger jugs,

"'was grabbed and thrown
onto the lab table.

"'He ripped off her lab coat
and she grabbed his metallic extension.

"'Oh. Did I mention
he was a robot?

"'Cause that's
kind of important.

"'Yeah, a robot. Awesome.'"

Whoa! That is hot.
I got to get a copy of that.

Yeah. You got some
serious talent there, Peter.

Really?
I'm no school administrator,

but there's an extension program
going on in my trousers.

"And then
Captain Leroy Hot Dog

"Zanzibar and Gina
from my work

"got in the backseat
of his really cool spaceship.

"Gina was finally wearing that tank top
I got her and nothing else.

"Zanzibar knew
he couldn't control

"his space horniness
any longer,

"and then
they totally did it.

"And if I'd have been there,
I would have been, like,

"'Oh, sweet.'"
Huh? What do you think?

You certainly do
paint a picture, Peter.

I felt like
I was right there on Planet Niptune.

You're not the only one.

Everyone down at the bar
wanted a copy.

Wow! Maybe you should
think about publishing it.

Hey, if you ask Daddy,

he might even
give you some money to do it yourself.

That's a great idea, Lois.
I'll talk to him tomorrow.

If this works out,
I could make more money

than when I had
that rat farm in the basement.

Armando,
do you have the rent?

We are trying, Senor Griffin.

But the land,
she gives us nothing.

There is no sunlight.

It's been two months, Armando.

You're putting me
in a real awkward position here.

Oh, please, Senor Griffin.

Just one more week.
I will pay you double.

Perhaps we can work out
another arrangement.

Oh, please, Senor.
Not my beloved!

Armando, Armando,
it is for the children.

(sobbing)

-(whimpering) Dios mio.
-(chuckling) Yes. Yes.

He takes the beam.

The spectators
hold their breath as Stewie Griffin

is America's last hope
to take home the gold.

Oh, oh.
Did you see that, Mitch?

I sure did, Kathy. That was impressive.
Here comes the dismount.

Hey, Stewie,
I just took a nap.

You want an eye booger?

(screaming)

Oh, damn you, Chris!
Look what you've done!

I'm training
for the Olympics,

and I need
absolute concentration.

Ugh, look at him.
Look how fat he is.

Hmm.

Oh, my God!
That was even cooler

than playing
with the speech function on my Macintosh.

So, computer,
what are you thinking about right now?

COMPUTER VOICE:
Stewie is cool.

Yay!
(chuckling)

What do you want, homo?

Listen, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

You're a businessman.
I'm a businessman.

And I've got a proposal
that I guarantee you can't refuse.

See,
I wrote this erotica book.

And I was hoping you could loan me
$7 billion to publish it.

How about I loan you
five dollars?

It's at the bottom
of this jar of barbed wire and salt.

Ah! Ow! Ow!

Why do you keep
these things together?

All right. Who wants to buy
some Peterotica? Ten bucks a pop.

I'll take one.
Me, too.

Hey, give me one of those.

I look forward
to having a raging semi.

Wow, Peter.

You're going into
the publishing business?

Yep. Mr. Pewterschmidt
gave me five dollars for these Xeroxes,

and I haven't looked back.

(murmuring)

I'm such a huge fan
of Peterotica.

There you go.
Thanks for reading.

Hi. Would you be offended
if I told you

your prose suggests a male,
working-class version of Emily Bronte?

No. Would you be
offended if I said

I'd like to use
your ass as a bongo drum?

Yes.

Well, then we are
on two different wavelengths.

Peter Griffin.
Thanks for reading.

BETTY: Welcome to
Peterotica on tape.

I'm Betty White reading
The Hot Chick Who Was Italian

-or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish,
-by Peter Griffin.

"Chapter One.

"Oh, God!
You should have seen this one hot chick.

"She was totally Italian

"or maybe
some kind of Spanish."

Oh, yeah.
Getting hot in here.

I better take my shirt off.

(tires screeching)

(screaming)

Wow. You know, from the other side,
that's kind of annoying.

Happy birthday, darling.

Oh, honey, a fur coat.
Thank you.

Well, it's not real fur.
It's actually made from bald eagle.

And it's weather-treated
with a mixture

of whale skin oil
and children's tears.

(doorbell ringing)

Yes?

Mr. Pewterschmidt,
I'm Scott Greenberg, Attorney at Law.

My client was injured
listening to this audio book.

We're suing you
for every penny you've got.

What? Why?

You're liable as publisher.

I'm here to seize
your assets.

Griffin.

Well, Mr. Greenberg,
I'd like to see you try to seize my assets

after battling the rancor.

Huh. Didn't realize
Greenberg was a Jedi name.

(knocking on door)

Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Hello, Peter.

-What's up? Good. Oh, damn it!
-I mean, not much.

What you got there?
Oh, this? It's a gun.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah. I'm going to kill you.

Daddy, what are you doing?

Your fat, bastard husband ruined me!
I lost my home, my money,

and perhaps just as serious,
my wife left me!

Mom left you?

Yeah. She ran off
with Ted Turner.

God only knows
what they're doing.

-Should we give Elmo a bath?
-Yeah.

-Should we give Telly a bath?
-Yeah!

-Should we give Ernie a bath?
-No.

Ernie doesn't like
the monsters.

Look, you can stay
with us if you want, you filthy hobo.

You shouldn't be
embarrassed

about mooching off
your kids at age 70.

Go to hell, fathead!
Have I used that one?

No, I haven't.
Yeah, fathead.

Daddy, don't talk
to Peter like that.

All you've done
his whole life is treat him like crap,

and now he's offering
to help you.

The least you can do
is be grateful.

Oh, all right.

Then it's settled.
You're staying with us.

I promise
you'll love it here,

even more than
Julia Roberts loves herself.

Hi, I'm Julia Roberts.

You know,
a lot of people died in the tsunami.

But don't worry. I didn't.

And I'll be here
to entertain you and love my life

for many, many years to come.

Me!

Me!

Me!

(laughing)

Daddy, you're not dressed!

Huh? Oh, yeah.
Couldn't figure that one out.

Used to have a guy for that.

Mom, I can't believe
you came out of that belly.

Um... (sniffing)

what is that?

Daddy, did you, um,

use the bathroom
this morning?

Yeah.

And did you remember
to clean up afterwards?

Uh, no.
I was hoping you would--

Oh, Daddy. No. No.
Okay. Brian?

-Oh, God! No. No. No, no, no.
-I'll do it.

Daddy, I never thought
you'd be so lost without your money.

(sighing)
You're right, Lois.

Who the hell am I kidding?
I can't live like this.

I should never
have come here.

Oh, I hate to see
Daddy like this.

Maybe there's something
you can do to help cheer him up.

Don't worry, Lois.
I know just what to do.

I am gonna teach your father
how to be a regular guy.

You think you can do that?

Sure. I've steered our family
through bigger problems.

Like when we were cartoon sketches
on The Tracey Ullman Show.

Well,
that's the end of Puss.

He was the best cat
anyone ever had.

Hey, Lois, what do you say
we go downtown and buy a dog?

Hey, wait a minute.
You already have a dog.

So long, Puss.

We'll miss you.

It's gonna be
quite a different place

with him gone.
That's for true.

All right, Kathy.
It looks like Stewie Griffin

is preparing to begin
the floor routine. That's right, Mitch.

And as we watch
Griffin doing this,

I want to remind everyone
that this is absolutely not gay.

(music playing)

Boy, that was really gay.

No, no!
Didn't you just hear the announcers?

They said it's not gay.

Ha-ha!
Stewie one, you zero.

What are we doing here?

Listen, I know you're upset
about losing your money,

so I wanted to show you
it's not so bad living like a regular guy.

So these people live here?
No, this is a bus.

People ride it to get places
that they need to go.

You look familiar.

I was your gardener
for 12 years.

Oh. You look different
without my lawn under you.

I don't take the lawn
with me when I go.

Well, I was right
to trust you with it then.

And this is called
waiting in line at the movies.

It's what us
regular people do.

Trust me.
It makes it that much more special

when we finally get inside
and see Renee Zellweger

doing her whole
scrunch-face routine.

ANNOUNCER:
Coming this March,

Jude Law and Renee Zellweger

in The Picnic.

Oh, no. These ants
are ruining our picnic.

You mean this picnic
is ruining our ants.

Look around your world,
pretty baby

Is it everything
you hoped it'd be?

You know, Peter,
what you showed me today was just awful.

What are you talking about?

I really don't see what's so great
about being a regular person.

The bus smells like crap,
the movie theater is sticky,

and Renee Zellweger
should only be the cute friend at best.

You know,
I never thought about it till now,

but maybe being
a regular person does suck.

My God. Is this what my whole life
is destined to be?

Not unless
you do something about it.

Yeah. But what?

Carter, hand me
my thinking grenades.

Where did you get these?

Shh.
Carter, I'm thinking.

-(explosion)
-Uh-huh.

MAN:
Oh, my God! He's dead!

That might work.

What's happening?

I got it!

Carter, somehow you and me
are gonna find a way to get rich.

Now you're talking
my language.

All right, then, let's do it!

(doorbell ringing)

Hi. I'm Betty White.

I just got a subpoena
regarding an erotic novel,

and I'm looking
for the son of a bitch responsible.

All right, Peter, how are we gonna
do this? How are we gonna get rich?

Well, I say we start out
small, Carter.

Here's my plan.

I'll distract Lois
while you steal money from her purse.

Lois, look at me!
Look at me! Look at me!

(laughing)

(humming)

Cacaw! I've got
her wallet! Cacaw!

Daddy, what are you doing?

Look at the unicycle!

Well, she's got
ten dollars in here,

and it cost me $900
for the six weeks of unicycle lessons.

So we're a little
in the red right now,

but you got to spend money
to make money, champ. Moving on.

All right.
Now we play it cool.

Hey, Meg.
Uh, we're trying to make some money.

And, um...

Would you like to buy some pot
from your granddaddy and me?

Um, wow! Sure.

Oh, fantastic.

What the hell
was that for?

Now we have the pot
and the money.

You sure this is
gonna work, Peter?

All I know is
there's a lot of money to be made

in these stupid teen dramas
they keep putting on TV.

And we're gonna
get our share.

(humming)

I don't wanna wait

For my lunch to get colder

Why can't I eat it now?

I don't want to wait

(humming)

The new Toyota

I want a car
that's got a lot of gas

Come on, Joey.
I wanna be with you.

Dawson, I'm just not ready
to give up my virginity.

Come on.
No!

I promised myself
that I'd save it for the man that I marry.

Come on. That's stupid.

-I'm-- I'm just not comfortable, you know?
-Well, I don't--

This-- This is, like,
the '90s, man.

I mean, like, everybody--

Come on. You saw me on that boat.
I was wearing a blazer.

Huh? Come on.
No! I just--

I-- I don't want to! All right?
I don't want to right now!

I told you
I'm not comfortable.

I think
you could respect that.

-You know?
-I do respec-- I totally respect it.

That just makes me
want you more, you know?

Come on, man. Let's just--
Let's just go nuts. Let's just--

-No, I said-- I don't--
-Come on!

I don't want-- No!
No! Peter, stop! Just stop! All right!

Turn off the camera!

God, I'm sorry,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.

I don't want to
do this anymore, all right?

You know what?
You went too far.

What?
You went too far.

That's his character.
That's how--

I mean,
he's that kind of--

No! Forget it. Forget it.

You know what?
It's just weird, man.

It's just weird.
You're weird.

All right?
Just get off it.

Let's just do something else
to make money.

And we will be back.

Stand back, Brian.
I'm preparing for my vault.

You can't vault inside the living room.
You're gonna get hurt.

Yeah. I'll get hurt
right onto a Wheaties box.

I don't see that happening.

Yeah?
Who cares what you say?

You're a dog.
You can't see colors.

Which means you can't see
the colors of the American flag.

Commie.

(sighing)
I think I'm okay.

(screaming)

Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
Uh-oh!

Oh, God! Somebody!

Do I take it out,
or do I leave it in?

Do I take it out,
or do I leave it in?

(screaming)

Got it! We'll rob a train.
Love it.

All aboard!

All right, everybody.
This is a--

Hey, where the hell
is everybody?

Oh, we haven't had
a paying customer in months.

Nobody rides
the train anymore.

Oh, well, for God's sake!

Uh, are--
Are you robbers?

Yeah.

Well, you could,
you could take my wallet.

My MasterCard's in there.
Although, to be honest,

I'll probably just cancel it
before you can use it. So...

Oh, um...

Give me that hole punch!

(laughing) Yeah!

Is this-- Is this your hole punch
or the-- or the train company's?

Well, that's--
You know--

I got-- I got
to pay for that.

That-- That comes out
of my paycheck if you-- if you take it.

Oh, oh, really?

Uh...
Yeah.

Well, I can't
in all good conscience take that, then.

Oh, oh, good. Uh, thank you.
Thank you, that's--

Yeah. Yeah.

No. I'm-- I'm,
I'm a working man myself.

No. It's tough out there.
Yeah.

You know, you can't--

You got to find a way.
It's tough, it is.

All right.
Well, uh, can you stop this thing,

so we can get off?

Uh, no. I mean,
I-- I'd love to.

Uh, but it-- it stops at
the predesignated stops.

You know, I don't--
I don't have control, you know, over that.

-Oh. That's-- The engineer
-who does that stuff.

Well, how...

Uh, well,
how much are our tickets?

Well, for this, this is a
first-- first-class cabin.

It's, uh, 25 bucks.

Wow! And we're the robbers.

Um, okay, uh, uh.
How much is coach?

Uh, $12 for coach.

Well, he's a senior--

You know what?
That-- That's fine.

Just give me
two coach tickets.

All right, thank you.

Oh, wow! When did Mamma Mia!
come to the Oakdale?

Oh, yeah. What--
Just a week ago, I think.

Oh, wow! We-- We should go.
Do you want to--

You want to
go see Mamma Mia?

Peter, could I speak to you
over by the door?

Good as new.

Oh, come on!

I give up.

We're gonna be
lower middle-class Americans forever.

A fate worse than death.

Seriously,
we may as well just be dead.

You know what, Peter?
That's not true.

In the time we've spent together,
I've learned something.

When you're rich,
you don't own your possessions,

your possessions own you.

Oh, Carter, darling!

Babs, sweetheart!

Honey, we're rich again.

I divorced Ted Turner
and took half his money.

We own half of CNN.

-Hey, hey!
-And TNT.

Neat!

-All right, buddy, we did it! We're rich!
-"We"?

Go to hell,
you fat peasant!

Aw, crap!

Peter, listen to me.
Money doesn't matter.

Ten years ago Daddy offered
to give us $10 million,

and I turned it down.

What?
Yes.

And I'll always
turn it down,

because money just
complicates everything.

We don't need money,
because we have each other.

Happiness isn't about
buying expensive things,

it's about being together.

It's not about
taking expensive trips.

It's about
holding each other during a thunderstorm.

And we have that kind
of happiness, Peter.

Real happiness
because we have each other.

Yeah.

(theme song playing)