Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam...ily... Guy

Guys, this is the best dirty bookstore in town.

Family owned, great hours,

and lots of parking in the rear.

Get it?

Giggity, Giggity, Giggity, Gig-gig-gig-gig!

Wow. You usually expect these places to be dirty.

No, it's pretty clean.

Carol Burnett works part time as a janitor.

You know, when she tugged her ear at the end of that show,

she was really saying good night to her mom.

(chuckling) I wonder what she tugged to say good night to her dad.

Oh! Giggity, (scatting) Goo.

What you staring at, Joe?

These dolls all look really surprised for some reason.

I wonder what they're all so surprised about.

(yelling) What? You never seen a handicapped man before?

They're polyurethane sex toys, Joe.

They're not capable of judgment.

And even if they were, who cares?

They're whores.

Wow, an old-time penny show.

"The Naughty Flapper Girl."

Oh, hot! She's voting!

Yeah. You break all the rules, eh?

Yeah, that's right. Vote for Taft, you dirty girl.

Hey, Quagmire. What's through that door?

Oh, that's the exit.

Of course, in this place every exit's also an entrance.

Giggity, Giggity, Giggity, Goo.

Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh

Don't you know all the world loves to laugh

I always try and find the hottest chick in the place

I crack her on the noggin with a lamp or a vase

And then when she's unconscious I do stuff to her face

Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh

Meg, I need you to baby-sit Stewie tomorrow afternoon.

Mom, you know I go to the mall on Saturdays.

I mean, I do have a life.

Hey, what time is it? We're gonna miss the movie.

Yeah. Let's go, everyone.

(sniffing)

Hey. Hey!

(hissing)

Wow, Peter! That's a book, isn't it?

That's the first time I've seen you reading something

that didn't later turn out to just be a sandwich.

Yeah. It's an erotic book. I bought it at that sex shop.

I got to tell you though, I've read four chapters

of this, and it's not sexy at all.

"Much Ado About Humping." Well, sounds sexy.

Peter, would you put that away?

I don't like you reading smut at the table.

Yeah. If only this were smut, Lois.

"He rubbed her shoulder sensually."

What the hell is that? That's not sexy.

You can't do somebody in the shoulder.

Why don't you and that book get a room?

Did you hear what I said, Brian?

I said-- I said, "Why don't you and that--"

"That book get a room." Yeah.

Okay. I just want to make sure you heard.

Hey, guys. Tell me if this letter sounds all right.

"Dear Reek Publishing,

"I was highly disappointed by your erotic novel.

"Here's what I would have wrote.

"'It was past midnight when the blonde, smoking-hot lab assistant,

"'who looked a little like Heather Locklear, only with bigger jugs,

"'was grabbed and thrown onto the lab table.

"'He ripped off her lab coat and she grabbed his metallic extension.

"'Oh. Did I mention he was a robot?

"'Cause that's kind of important.

"'Yeah, a robot. Awesome.'"

Whoa! That is hot. I got to get a copy of that.

Yeah. You got some serious talent there, Peter.

Really? I'm no school administrator,

but there's an extension program going on in my trousers.

"And then Captain Leroy Hot Dog

"Zanzibar and Gina from my work

"got in the backseat of his really cool spaceship.

"Gina was finally wearing that tank top I got her and nothing else.

"Zanzibar knew he couldn't control

"his space horniness any longer,

"and then they totally did it.

"And if I'd have been there, I would have been, like,

"'Oh, sweet.'" Huh? What do you think?

You certainly do paint a picture, Peter.

I felt like I was right there on Planet Niptune.

You're not the only one.

Everyone down at the bar wanted a copy.

Wow! Maybe you should think about publishing it.

Hey, if you ask Daddy,

he might even give you some money to do it yourself.

That's a great idea, Lois. I'll talk to him tomorrow.

If this works out, I could make more money

than when I had that rat farm in the basement.

Armando, do you have the rent?

We are trying, Senor Griffin.

But the land, she gives us nothing.

There is no sunlight.

It's been two months, Armando.

You're putting me in a real awkward position here.

Oh, please, Senor Griffin.

Just one more week. I will pay you double.

Perhaps we can work out another arrangement.

Oh, please, Senor. Not my beloved!

Armando, Armando, it is for the children.

(sobbing)

-(whimpering) Dios mio. -(chuckling) Yes. Yes.

He takes the beam.

The spectators hold their breath as Stewie Griffin

is America's last hope to take home the gold.

Oh, oh. Did you see that, Mitch?

I sure did, Kathy. That was impressive. Here comes the dismount.

Hey, Stewie, I just took a nap.

You want an eye booger?

(screaming)

Oh, damn you, Chris! Look what you've done!

I'm training for the Olympics,

and I need absolute concentration.

Ugh, look at him. Look how fat he is.

Hmm.

Oh, my God! That was even cooler

than playing with the speech function on my Macintosh.

So, computer, what are you thinking about right now?

COMPUTER VOICE: Stewie is cool.

Yay! (chuckling)

What do you want, homo?

Listen, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

You're a businessman. I'm a businessman.

And I've got a proposal that I guarantee you can't refuse.

See, I wrote this erotica book.

And I was hoping you could loan me $7 billion to publish it.

How about I loan you five dollars?

It's at the bottom of this jar of barbed wire and salt.

Ah! Ow! Ow!

Why do you keep these things together?

All right. Who wants to buy some Peterotica? Ten bucks a pop.

I'll take one. Me, too.

Hey, give me one of those.

I look forward to having a raging semi.

Wow, Peter.

You're going into the publishing business?

Yep. Mr. Pewterschmidt gave me five dollars for these Xeroxes,

and I haven't looked back.

(murmuring)

I'm such a huge fan of Peterotica.

There you go. Thanks for reading.

Hi. Would you be offended if I told you

your prose suggests a male, working-class version of Emily Bronte?

No. Would you be offended if I said

I'd like to use your ass as a bongo drum?

Yes.

Well, then we are on two different wavelengths.

Peter Griffin. Thanks for reading.

BETTY: Welcome to Peterotica on tape.

I'm Betty White reading The Hot Chick Who Was Italian

-or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish, -by Peter Griffin.

"Chapter One.

"Oh, God! You should have seen this one hot chick.

"She was totally Italian

"or maybe some kind of Spanish."

Oh, yeah. Getting hot in here.

I better take my shirt off.

(tires screeching)

(screaming)

Wow. You know, from the other side, that's kind of annoying.

Happy birthday, darling.

Oh, honey, a fur coat. Thank you.

Well, it's not real fur. It's actually made from bald eagle.

And it's weather-treated with a mixture

of whale skin oil and children's tears.

(doorbell ringing)

Yes?

Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm Scott Greenberg, Attorney at Law.

My client was injured listening to this audio book.

We're suing you for every penny you've got.

What? Why?

You're liable as publisher.

I'm here to seize your assets.

Griffin.

Well, Mr. Greenberg, I'd like to see you try to seize my assets

after battling the rancor.

Huh. Didn't realize Greenberg was a Jedi name.

(knocking on door)

Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Hello, Peter.

-What's up? Good. Oh, damn it! -I mean, not much.

What you got there? Oh, this? It's a gun.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm going to kill you.

Daddy, what are you doing?

Your fat, bastard husband ruined me! I lost my home, my money,

and perhaps just as serious, my wife left me!

Mom left you?

Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner.

God only knows what they're doing.

-Should we give Elmo a bath? -Yeah.

-Should we give Telly a bath? -Yeah!

-Should we give Ernie a bath? -No.

Ernie doesn't like the monsters.

Look, you can stay with us if you want, you filthy hobo.

You shouldn't be embarrassed

about mooching off your kids at age 70.

Go to hell, fathead! Have I used that one?

No, I haven't. Yeah, fathead.

Daddy, don't talk to Peter like that.

All you've done his whole life is treat him like crap,

and now he's offering to help you.

The least you can do is be grateful.

Oh, all right.

Then it's settled. You're staying with us.

I promise you'll love it here,

even more than Julia Roberts loves herself.

Hi, I'm Julia Roberts.

You know, a lot of people died in the tsunami.

But don't worry. I didn't.

And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life

for many, many years to come.

Me!

Me!

Me!

(laughing)

Daddy, you're not dressed!

Huh? Oh, yeah. Couldn't figure that one out.

Used to have a guy for that.

Mom, I can't believe you came out of that belly.

Um... (sniffing)

what is that?

Daddy, did you, um,

use the bathroom this morning?

Yeah.

And did you remember to clean up afterwards?

Uh, no. I was hoping you would--

Oh, Daddy. No. No. Okay. Brian?

-Oh, God! No. No. No, no, no. -I'll do it.

Daddy, I never thought you'd be so lost without your money.

(sighing) You're right, Lois.

Who the hell am I kidding? I can't live like this.

I should never have come here.

Oh, I hate to see Daddy like this.

Maybe there's something you can do to help cheer him up.

Don't worry, Lois. I know just what to do.

I am gonna teach your father how to be a regular guy.

You think you can do that?

Sure. I've steered our family through bigger problems.

Like when we were cartoon sketches on The Tracey Ullman Show.

Well, that's the end of Puss.

He was the best cat anyone ever had.

Hey, Lois, what do you say we go downtown and buy a dog?

Hey, wait a minute. You already have a dog.

So long, Puss.

We'll miss you.

It's gonna be quite a different place

with him gone. That's for true.

All right, Kathy. It looks like Stewie Griffin

is preparing to begin the floor routine. That's right, Mitch.

And as we watch Griffin doing this,

I want to remind everyone that this is absolutely not gay.

(music playing)

Boy, that was really gay.

No, no! Didn't you just hear the announcers?

They said it's not gay.

Ha-ha! Stewie one, you zero.

What are we doing here?

Listen, I know you're upset about losing your money,

so I wanted to show you it's not so bad living like a regular guy.

So these people live here? No, this is a bus.

People ride it to get places that they need to go.

You look familiar.

I was your gardener for 12 years.

Oh. You look different without my lawn under you.

I don't take the lawn with me when I go.

Well, I was right to trust you with it then.

And this is called waiting in line at the movies.

It's what us regular people do.

Trust me. It makes it that much more special

when we finally get inside and see Renee Zellweger

doing her whole scrunch-face routine.

ANNOUNCER: Coming this March,

Jude Law and Renee Zellweger

in The Picnic.

Oh, no. These ants are ruining our picnic.

You mean this picnic is ruining our ants.

Look around your world, pretty baby

Is it everything you hoped it'd be?

You know, Peter, what you showed me today was just awful.

What are you talking about?

I really don't see what's so great about being a regular person.

The bus smells like crap, the movie theater is sticky,

and Renee Zellweger should only be the cute friend at best.

You know, I never thought about it till now,

but maybe being a regular person does suck.

My God. Is this what my whole life is destined to be?

Not unless you do something about it.

Yeah. But what?

Carter, hand me my thinking grenades.

Where did you get these?

Shh. Carter, I'm thinking.

-(explosion) -Uh-huh.

MAN: Oh, my God! He's dead!

That might work.

What's happening?

I got it!

Carter, somehow you and me are gonna find a way to get rich.

Now you're talking my language.

All right, then, let's do it!

(doorbell ringing)

Hi. I'm Betty White.

I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel,

and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

All right, Peter, how are we gonna do this? How are we gonna get rich?

Well, I say we start out small, Carter.

Here's my plan.

I'll distract Lois while you steal money from her purse.

Lois, look at me! Look at me! Look at me!

(laughing)

(humming)

Cacaw! I've got her wallet! Cacaw!

Daddy, what are you doing?

Look at the unicycle!

Well, she's got ten dollars in here,

and it cost me $900 for the six weeks of unicycle lessons.

So we're a little in the red right now,

but you got to spend money to make money, champ. Moving on.

All right. Now we play it cool.

Hey, Meg. Uh, we're trying to make some money.

And, um...

Would you like to buy some pot from your granddaddy and me?

Um, wow! Sure.

Oh, fantastic.

What the hell was that for?

Now we have the pot and the money.

You sure this is gonna work, Peter?

All I know is there's a lot of money to be made

in these stupid teen dramas they keep putting on TV.

And we're gonna get our share.

(humming)

I don't wanna wait

For my lunch to get colder

Why can't I eat it now?

I don't want to wait

(humming)

The new Toyota

I want a car that's got a lot of gas

Come on, Joey. I wanna be with you.

Dawson, I'm just not ready to give up my virginity.

Come on. No!

I promised myself that I'd save it for the man that I marry.

Come on. That's stupid.

-I'm-- I'm just not comfortable, you know? -Well, I don't--

This-- This is, like, the '90s, man.

I mean, like, everybody--

Come on. You saw me on that boat. I was wearing a blazer.

Huh? Come on. No! I just--

I-- I don't want to! All right? I don't want to right now!

I told you I'm not comfortable.

I think you could respect that.

-You know? -I do respec-- I totally respect it.

That just makes me want you more, you know?

Come on, man. Let's just-- Let's just go nuts. Let's just--

-No, I said-- I don't-- -Come on!

I don't want-- No! No! Peter, stop! Just stop! All right!

Turn off the camera!

God, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

I don't want to do this anymore, all right?

You know what? You went too far.

What? You went too far.

That's his character. That's how--

I mean, he's that kind of--

No! Forget it. Forget it.

You know what? It's just weird, man.

It's just weird. You're weird.

All right? Just get off it.

Let's just do something else to make money.

And we will be back.

Stand back, Brian. I'm preparing for my vault.

You can't vault inside the living room. You're gonna get hurt.

Yeah. I'll get hurt right onto a Wheaties box.

I don't see that happening.

Yeah? Who cares what you say?

You're a dog. You can't see colors.

Which means you can't see the colors of the American flag.

Commie.

(sighing) I think I'm okay.

(screaming)

Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Oh, God! Somebody!

Do I take it out, or do I leave it in?

Do I take it out, or do I leave it in?

(screaming)

Got it! We'll rob a train. Love it.

All aboard!

All right, everybody. This is a--

Hey, where the hell is everybody?

Oh, we haven't had a paying customer in months.

Nobody rides the train anymore.

Oh, well, for God's sake!

Uh, are-- Are you robbers?

Yeah.

Well, you could, you could take my wallet.

My MasterCard's in there. Although, to be honest,

I'll probably just cancel it before you can use it. So...

Oh, um...

Give me that hole punch!

(laughing) Yeah!

Is this-- Is this your hole punch or the-- or the train company's?

Well, that's-- You know--

I got-- I got to pay for that.

That-- That comes out of my paycheck if you-- if you take it.

Oh, oh, really?

Uh... Yeah.

Well, I can't in all good conscience take that, then.

Oh, oh, good. Uh, thank you. Thank you, that's--

Yeah. Yeah.

No. I'm-- I'm, I'm a working man myself.

No. It's tough out there. Yeah.

You know, you can't--

You got to find a way. It's tough, it is.

All right. Well, uh, can you stop this thing,

so we can get off?

Uh, no. I mean, I-- I'd love to.

Uh, but it-- it stops at the predesignated stops.

You know, I don't-- I don't have control, you know, over that.

-Oh. That's-- The engineer -who does that stuff.

Well, how...

Uh, well, how much are our tickets?

Well, for this, this is a first-- first-class cabin.

It's, uh, 25 bucks.

Wow! And we're the robbers.

Um, okay, uh, uh. How much is coach?

Uh, $12 for coach.

Well, he's a senior--

You know what? That-- That's fine.

Just give me two coach tickets.

All right, thank you.

Oh, wow! When did Mamma Mia! come to the Oakdale?

Oh, yeah. What-- Just a week ago, I think.

Oh, wow! We-- We should go. Do you want to--

You want to go see Mamma Mia?

Peter, could I speak to you over by the door?

Good as new.

Oh, come on!

I give up.

We're gonna be lower middle-class Americans forever.

A fate worse than death.

Seriously, we may as well just be dead.

You know what, Peter? That's not true.

In the time we've spent together, I've learned something.

When you're rich, you don't own your possessions,

your possessions own you.

Oh, Carter, darling!

Babs, sweetheart!

Honey, we're rich again.

I divorced Ted Turner and took half his money.

We own half of CNN.

-Hey, hey! -And TNT.

Neat!

-All right, buddy, we did it! We're rich! -"We"?

Go to hell, you fat peasant!

Aw, crap!

Peter, listen to me. Money doesn't matter.

Ten years ago Daddy offered to give us $10 million,

and I turned it down.

What? Yes.

And I'll always turn it down,

because money just complicates everything.

We don't need money, because we have each other.

Happiness isn't about buying expensive things,

it's about being together.

It's not about taking expensive trips.

It's about holding each other during a thunderstorm.

And we have that kind of happiness, Peter.

Real happiness because we have each other.

Yeah.

(theme song playing)