All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S04E22.Sibling.Rivalry.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-PHOENiX_track3_[eng]

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are
those good old-fashioned values

On which we
used to rely?

Lucky there's
a family guy

Lucky there's
a man who positively can do

All the things
that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Chris, did you get
your homework done?

Yup.

Chris, I know when
you're lying to me.

Just like Santa
Claus knows

when you're sleeping.

(bangs)

(gasp) What was that?

Hey, what the hell?

Uh, hey.

-Get out of here!
-Okay, okay!

No, Mom. I got
it all done.

For my science homework,

I had to make a shoe
box diarrhea

of the evolution of man.

You mean diorama?

Uh-oh.

Hey, Lois, I got your
pregnancy test.

What the hell
you need this for?

I need it because
I think

I might be pregnant.

What? My God,

are you sure it's yours?

Lois pregnant?

I didn't think
the fat man

still had that kind
of marksmanship.

But that's what they
said about Lee Harvey Oswald.

Hey, Mr. President!

Mr. President, up here!
I voted for you!

Wait a minute.

That guy on the grassy
knoll's got a gun.

He's gonna
shoot the President.

Holy smokes! I've
got to do something.

All right, Lee.

Time to become
an American hero.

(sigh) Okay, one
more minute,

and then if there
are two pink lines...

Oh, God, I hope
you're not pregnant.

We can't afford
another kid.

We already got Chris,
Stewie, Richie,

Joanie, Greg, Marcia,
Bobby, Jan,

Mike Seaver,
Carol Seaver,

Boner, Urkel,
Mr. Furley...

Peter, those aren't
your kids.

That's the
Nick at Nite lineup.

Blanka, Zangief,

Chun-Li, Guile,
E. Honda...

That's Street Fighter.

Red, blue, green.

Those are colors.

God, I can't believe
we weren't more careful.

This probably
happened that night we tried role-playing.

Oh, I need a spanking.

I'm a bad, bad girl.

I'm a paladin
with 18 charisma and 97 hit points.

I can use my helm
of disintegration and do 1-D-4 damage

as my half-elf mage
wields his plus-5 Holy Avenger.

Paladins can't use the
helm of disintegration.

Oh. Okay, then
I'm a black guy.

Oh, thank God.
It's negative.

Ooh! Dodged a
bullet there, right?

Although, I got
to tell you,

I was kind of getting
used to the idea

of having a little
brother or sister.

Peter, we can't risk
these things any more.

You're absolutely right.

Lois, you're getting
your tubes tied.

Why should I
get my tubes tied?

You should
get a vasectomy.

First of all,
I don't know what that is,

and, second of all,
no freaking way.

Peter, it's the
male equivalent

of a woman getting
her tubes tied,

except, it's actually
a lot quicker and safer.

Let these guys explain.

A vasectomy's
a medical procedure

One that makes you
half a man

You're half a man

Remember when
you twisted up

Your garden hose?

Well, essentially
that is the plan

That is the plan

Well, I'm starting
to get the picture, but how's it done?

-(music playing)
-(vocalizing music)

You make a
small incision in the scrotal skin

Isolate the
vas and then...

Isolate the vas
and then you

Roll it in position
with a towel clamp

Then you snip
the fibrous tissue

Then you snip
the fibrous tissue

Hey, then you'll never
have to wear a condom

When you do it
with your wife

Or anyone else
you do it with

We promise
not to tell

Like that new
hot chick at work

You know, the
one who always has high beams

Under her ribbed,
white, cotton t-shirt

But then stares
daggers at you for checking her out

And it's, like, "Why
do you wear that

if you don't
want attention?"

But you know
you shouldn't think that way

Because of the
sexual-harassment meeting

You all had to go to

Seriously, how lame
was that?

And you couldn't
help but notice that the female lawyer

Running the seminar
had a huge rack

Like, ridiculously
huge for someone

Who has to talk about
that kind of stuff

Well, I guess
that's the definition of the word, "Irony"

Good-bye
Say good-bye to manhood

-Good-bye
-Say good-bye to babies

Say good-bye
to kids like Meg

Vacuum out your sac

Well, guys,
my vasectomy is tomorrow.

You poor bastard.

After all, sex
is pointless without potency.

That's right. You
take the venom out of a cobra

and what do you got?

You got a-- a belt.

It's not that
big a deal.

A bunch of the guys
on the force have had vasectomies,

and their lives haven't
changed at all.

Would you
ever have one?

Never!

Well, yeah. But what
if me and Lois

do end up wanting
another baby?

It'll be too late.

You could freeze
some of your sperm

at the sperm bank
just in case.

I don't know,
Cleveland.

It didn't work
out so great

that time I
froze my nuts.

(sniffing, grunting)

No! No! Bad squirrel.

Those are my nuts.

-My nuts!
-(whimpers)

You're just a hungry
little fellow, aren't you?

But those are my nuts!

-(snarl)
-No. Oh, God, no!

My nuts! My nuts!

-Hey, Brian. You want to play tag?
-No.

-Freeze tag?
-No.

-TV tag?
-No.

If I can get some
guys, you want to play Red Rover?

No. Maybe. You get
the guys first.

We'll talk about it.

No! Jungle gym mine!

Hey, where'd you get
the Pete Rose haircut?

(groans, crying)

Anyone else want
to feel my Reebok in their grapes?

Then you'll all
do as I say.

-Hi.
-Well, hello there.

(crying)

Yes, that's right, cry.

Cry like Sauron
when he lost his contact lens.

Nobody move!
Nobody move!

Does-D--Does
anybody see it?

It might be stuck
to a tree or a rock.

Anyone?

Oh, I am so grounded.

Hi, there. Peter Griffin.

I've got an appointment

to, uh, banish
a White Russian from my Kremlin.

Well, we don't have
empty rooms right now,

but if you'll
have a seat...

Yeah. I kind of
warmed myself up

in the car if you
catch my drift.

I could put you in
the storage freezer.

That'll work.

Nurse, I've got
a splinter.

Just come out
whenever you're done.

Oh, God! Oh,
God! Oh, God!

(Peter yells)

PETER: Oh, God! I...

I think I feel
them moving.

Hi. My partner and I
want to have a baby.

We'd like a
vial of sperm

and an applicator
that looks like

Jodie Foster's knuckles.

Certainly. Let me
just go to the freezer.

Mr. Griffin,
y-you were in there an awfully long time.

Are you all right?

Yup, yup. Fine, fine.

And just so you know,
everything in there

is exactly the way
it was when I went in.

There is absolutely
zero chance

that I spilled
all the jars

and had to refill them
with my own sperm.

Zero chance!

(thunder)

(screaming and groaning)

It's a boy!

Victory shall be mine!

TV ANNOUNCER: We now
return to Tony Danza

and Sylvester
Stallone in What?

-(speaks)
-(speaks)

(babbles)

(babbles)

Peter, we have to talk.

We haven't had sex
since your vasectomy.

Yeah, I just don't
feel like it, Lois,

seeing as how I'm not
a real man any more.

Honey, it was just
a simple operation.

It's no reason
to give up on your sex life.

I don't know, Lois.
I'm just not feeling it any more.

Besides, it gives me
time to try new things,

like that time I tried
wearing adult diapers.

Hey, Lois. Hey, kids.

Oh, boy, that
smells delicious.

You know, I'd love to
stay and eat with you,

but I got to go
meet Cleveland,

Joe, and Quagmire
down at...

the bar. So just
put my dinner

in the fridge
and I'll heat it up later.

Love you.

You, go get me
an ice cream.

You, clear the slide.

I'm going down
in five minutes.

You! Did you get me
my Cheez Whiz, boy?

You're my boyfriend.

Yes, dear.
Of course I am.

Now, where's Lloyd
with our Fun Dip?

Good God! Running
an empire

is harder than
finding diversity

in the Abercrombie
& Fitch catalog.

STEWIE: Ooh! Ooh!
There he is. There he is. Right there.

BRIAN: Ah, found him.

That was a tricky one.

(children chatter)

GIRL: No kidding.
He looks weird.

What the deuce is
all the commotion?

All right. Out of my
way. Move aside.

What the hell is so
bloody fascinating?

(gasp) You!

Well, well, well.

If it isn't my
half-brother Stewie!

Bertram! I haven't
seen you since our microscopic encounter.

How the deuce
did you get out of Peter's testicles?

-He donated sperm.
-Gross.

Well, I don't
mean to be a discourteous host,

but this is
my playground.

I rule this territory.

My, my! What
an amusingly misguided view.

Very well, then. You
leave me no choice

but to declare war!

So be it.
I'll do to you

what B.C. does to
comedy on a daily basis.

(speaks)

(speaks)

(speaks)

(forced laugh)

Hey, boys. You having
a midnight snack?

-Hmm.
-Mmm-hmm.

I'm just gonna
grab something, too, and go back to bed

alone... again.

Night!

You know, Lois has
gotten kind of fat

since you guys
stopped having sex.

It might be
time to, you know, have some sex.

You know, at first I didn't want to do it
'cause of the vasectomy.

But now it's just...
I mean, look at her.

She's got elbow
cleavage.

You know, that
little wrinkle

that fat people
get on their elbows

that looks like a schwa?

I mean, you wouldn't
have sex with her, would you?

-Oh, yeah, I would.
-Really?

Oh, yeah. Oh,
yeah. I would do everything to her.

I don't care
what she looks like.

I would wreck
that chick.

Well, you are
a trooper.

Sorry. Fat wife
coming through.

Sorry. Sorry.
Excuse me. Fat wife.

Oh, hold on a sec.

All right, bring
her through.

Peter, stop it.

For God's sakes, you're
embarrassing me.

Not as embarrassed
as I was

when I got that
job entertaining prison inmates.

Do it again, Griffin.

Come on. I just did it,
like, five times.

Do it!

My milkshake
brings all the boys to the yard

And they're, like,
it's better than yours

Damn right,
it's better than yours

I can teach you
but I have to charge(sobs)

Look, honey,
with all due respect,

you've gained
some weight recently.

It's 5 pounds
at the most.

It's not a big deal.

It's a slippery
slope, Lois.

You start with 5 pounds
and then one day, boom!

You wake up
and you're on The Practice

-with 16 rings in your ear.
-(scoffs)

You're one to talk.
Look how fat you are.

Lois, men aren't fat.

Only fat women are fat.

Now, if you'll
excuse me,

I have to go warn
the chef that you've arrived.

He wants fat?
I'll show him fat.

The only reason
I'm eating anyway is because of him.

He won't touch me.

Do you think I'm fat?

Only if you think
I'm a serial killer.

-What?
-Nothing.

Attention, all hands.

We're going to launch
a massive air strike

against Bertram
and his army.

Behold the armada.

It's quite simple,
actually.

You press the smiling
duck to take off,

the cow with the bow
tie to fire weapons,

and the clown face
is just a clown face. Enjoy it.

Now, battle stations,
everyone!

(engines start)

At my signal,
unleash hell!

What took you so long?

What took you so ugly?

Well, now what?

-You want to play 20 questions?
-Sure.

-Uh, is it a man?
-Yes.

-Is he famous?
-Yes.

-Is he under 40?
-No.

-Over 40?
-Yes.

-On television?
-Yes.

-On television now?
-No.

-In the past 20 years?
-Yes.

-Is it Richard Mulligan?
-Yes!

Up until now,

we've been fighting
Bertram on his terms.

Whoa, easy.
Easy, girl. Easy, easy, easy.

But I propose
an invasion.

We've got to
fight him over there by the swing set

so we don't have to
fight him here at the sandbox.

Stewie?

What's this?

A letter of
surrender. We did it.

Whew! It's a good
thing too, because

I really didn't
have an exit strategy.

Yay, Stewie!

Oh, thank you,
darling. I...

What is this? Makeup?

Why are you
wearing makeup?

(gasp) Chicken pox!

Damn you, Bertram.
I thought we called no biological warfare.

You swore on the seesaw.

Aaa ha ha ha!

Stewie, there you are.

Oh, my God. Your face.

Oh, sweetie.
You got the chicken pox.

Come on, we got to
get you out of here.

No. No, damn you,
I've got to finish what I've started!

No-- My God,
you've put on weight.

You're like one of those
Memory Foam mattresses.

Look, there's my face.

Here you go, sweetie.

A couple more
oatmeal baths

and you'll be
all better.

Well, no need to
clean up when I'm done.

You'll probably just
slice a couple of bananas in here

and chow down,
huh, porky?

So what happened
with that kid on the playground?

He won this
round, Brian.

But I'm going
back tomorrow.

And when I've
carried out my plan,

he won't know
what hit him,

like that baseball team
that Peter coached.

Well, kids,
just when I thought

we'd never find
an assistant coach,

I ran into this
drifter hanging out

near the elementary
school playground.

He's got a clown costume
in his trunk,

so we know
he's good with kids,

and pictures of boys
in their underwear,

so he's probably had
some medical training.

Well, I'm gonna take off
while he fits you

for cups in that
windowless supply shed.

See you.

TV ANNOUNCER:
This Friday on TNT, the world premiere

of Morgan Freeman
in The Narrator.

MORGAN FREEMAN:
Ever since I was a little boy,

people have enjoyed
the sound of my voice.

And I figured
you either get busy talking

or you get busy dying.

The work is
really quite easy.

Why, even right now, I'm
just sitting in a chair

sipping some tea and
reading from a script.

The wall is covered
with something that resembles egg crates,

except they're
soft and spongy like a Twinkie.

Like a Twinkie.

Oh, hey, Hogzilla.

You happen to
see my hot wife Lois around?

No, I haven't.

Maybe she's out
looking for a man who can satisfy her.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey. Do me a favor.

When you go to
sleep, aim your butt the other way.

Last night,
for God's sake, you farted.

I felt like somebody
was sticking me

with a cigarette
lighter from the car. You're fat.

Shut up and go to sleep!

(both grunting) Ow! Ow!

Lois, you weigh a ton!
Get off me!

-I'm trying, I...
-Try harder!

Ow! Peter, if you just
stop for one second...

Ow! Lois, that
hurts. Quit it.

(moaning in pleasure)

Peter, are we
having sex?

Let's check.
Just lift up that fold right there.

Uh, yup.

Lois, last night
was amazing.

It was, wasn't it?

Fat sex is the
hottest sex we've ever had.

There were so
many boobs,

I didn't know whose
boobs I was grabbing,

your boobs or my boobs.

I know. It was amazing.

Much better than that
night you pretended

your penis was
Danny Aiello.

Oh, that is so
interesting, Danny Aiello.

You've got the best
Spike Lee stories.

What's that?
You want to meet my wife?

Peter, stop it.

Lois, just say hello.

You're embarrassing
me in front of Danny Aiello.

Now, come here,
my fat concubine.

(muffled)
Peter, I'm not even hungry.

I want you bigger.
I want you fatter.

It will please me.

With Stewart
out of the picture,

this whole playground
is under my control.

I sense something.

A presence
I've not felt since...

Aah!

Stewie, you're alive!

Yes, Bertram, I'm alive.

And I think you'll find
all your guards quite incapacitated.

You have an
annoying habit

of turning up
where you're not welcome.

Well, when I'm done
with you, you're going to hate me more

than the other
vowels hate "Y."

If you'll turn to
Page 34 of your blue books,

you'll see
our projections for next quarter,

-which I can tell are...
-Okay. Okay. Yeah, all right.

You know what?
I'm in a meeting. I'll call you back.

Well, well, well.
Look who decided to show up.

-So, what are we talking about here?
-Well, before you--

(phone rings)
Oh, I'm sorry. "F," what's up?

No, no. I can talk.

En garde!

(both giggle)

Any last words?

You wouldn't kill me,
would you?

Thanks for helping me

dig this hole,
Mr. Moltisanti.

Hey, no problem, Stewie.

This can be a
pain in the ass

when you got to do it
all by yourself.

You're telling me.
All right. Go ahead and drop it in.

Oh, boy. That's
gonna be beautiful

when it reaches
adulthood.

Yeah. I love plants.

So what happened
with that kid

you were telling
me about?

He admitted defeat
and ran off.

What a mook!

Oh, Peter,
I love you so much.

PETER: Oh, Lois.
I have no idea if we're doing it

or if that's
just the back of your knee,

but either way,
it feels so good.

LOIS: Ow, Peter,
you're on my arm. It hurts.

Oh! My chest
hurts, too.

Oh, my God.

Peter, I think
I'm having a heart attack.

Oh, me, too,
sweetie. Me, too.

No, no, Peter,
I'm really having a heart attack.

PETER: Oh--Oh, my God!
You're serious?

Oh, we should
get you to the hospital.

All right, hold-hold
on a sec.

All right,
a-almost done. Almost done. Almost--

-LOIS: Peter!
-PETER: Almost done. Almost done.

Almost done.
Almost done. Okay, let's go.

Well, it was a tough job
removing all that fat

to get to your heart,
Mrs. Griffin.

But you came
through it beautifully.

Honey, I'm sorry

I tried to make you into
something you're not.

I love you no matter
what size you are.

Although, I got
to admit,

I'm gonna miss eating cereal
out of the dimples on your ass.

Well, Mrs. Griffin,
you rest up

for a few days and
you'll be just fine.

Thank you, Doctor.

I realize now that eating is not the way
to solve my problems.

You hear that, Meg?

For your information,
Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems.

I cut myself.
Is that better?

Chris, we all
love your hat.

Thanks, Mom.

Hey, Doc, what did you
do with my mom's fat?

Oh, it's right here
in this storage closet.

Uh...

It's exactly
what it looks like.

(theme music playing)