Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Chris, did you get your homework done?

Yup.

Chris, I know when you're lying to me.

Just like Santa Claus knows

when you're sleeping.

(bangs)

(gasp) What was that?

Hey, what the hell?

Uh, hey.

-Get out of here! -Okay, okay!

No, Mom. I got it all done.

For my science homework,

I had to make a shoe box diarrhea

of the evolution of man.

You mean diorama?

Uh-oh.

Hey, Lois, I got your pregnancy test.

What the hell you need this for?

I need it because I think

I might be pregnant.

What? My God,

are you sure it's yours?

Lois pregnant?

I didn't think the fat man

still had that kind of marksmanship.

But that's what they said about Lee Harvey Oswald.

Hey, Mr. President!

Mr. President, up here! I voted for you!

Wait a minute.

That guy on the grassy knoll's got a gun.

He's gonna shoot the President.

Holy smokes! I've got to do something.

All right, Lee.

Time to become an American hero.

(sigh) Okay, one more minute,

and then if there are two pink lines...

Oh, God, I hope you're not pregnant.

We can't afford another kid.

We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie,

Joanie, Greg, Marcia, Bobby, Jan,

Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver,

Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...

Peter, those aren't your kids.

That's the Nick at Nite lineup.

Blanka, Zangief,

Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...

That's Street Fighter.

Red, blue, green.

Those are colors.

God, I can't believe we weren't more careful.

This probably happened that night we tried role-playing.

Oh, I need a spanking.

I'm a bad, bad girl.

I'm a paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points.

I can use my helm of disintegration and do 1-D-4 damage

as my half-elf mage wields his plus-5 Holy Avenger.

Paladins can't use the helm of disintegration.

Oh. Okay, then I'm a black guy.

Oh, thank God. It's negative.

Ooh! Dodged a bullet there, right?

Although, I got to tell you,

I was kind of getting used to the idea

of having a little brother or sister.

Peter, we can't risk these things any more.

You're absolutely right.

Lois, you're getting your tubes tied.

Why should I get my tubes tied?

You should get a vasectomy.

First of all, I don't know what that is,

and, second of all, no freaking way.

Peter, it's the male equivalent

of a woman getting her tubes tied,

except, it's actually a lot quicker and safer.

Let these guys explain.

A vasectomy's a medical procedure

One that makes you half a man

You're half a man

Remember when you twisted up

Your garden hose?

Well, essentially that is the plan

That is the plan

Well, I'm starting to get the picture, but how's it done?

-(music playing) -(vocalizing music)

You make a small incision in the scrotal skin

Isolate the vas and then...

Isolate the vas and then you

Roll it in position with a towel clamp

Then you snip the fibrous tissue

Then you snip the fibrous tissue

Hey, then you'll never have to wear a condom

When you do it with your wife

Or anyone else you do it with

We promise not to tell

Like that new hot chick at work

You know, the one who always has high beams

Under her ribbed, white, cotton t-shirt

But then stares daggers at you for checking her out

And it's, like, "Why do you wear that

if you don't want attention?"

But you know you shouldn't think that way

Because of the sexual-harassment meeting

You all had to go to

Seriously, how lame was that?

And you couldn't help but notice that the female lawyer

Running the seminar had a huge rack

Like, ridiculously huge for someone

Who has to talk about that kind of stuff

Well, I guess that's the definition of the word, "Irony"

Good-bye Say good-bye to manhood

-Good-bye -Say good-bye to babies

Say good-bye to kids like Meg

Vacuum out your sac

Well, guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow.

You poor bastard.

After all, sex is pointless without potency.

That's right. You take the venom out of a cobra

and what do you got?

You got a-- a belt.

It's not that big a deal.

A bunch of the guys on the force have had vasectomies,

and their lives haven't changed at all.

Would you ever have one?

Never!

Well, yeah. But what if me and Lois

do end up wanting another baby?

It'll be too late.

You could freeze some of your sperm

at the sperm bank just in case.

I don't know, Cleveland.

It didn't work out so great

that time I froze my nuts.

(sniffing, grunting)

No! No! Bad squirrel.

Those are my nuts.

-My nuts! -(whimpers)

You're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you?

But those are my nuts!

-(snarl) -No. Oh, God, no!

My nuts! My nuts!

-Hey, Brian. You want to play tag? -No.

-Freeze tag? -No.

-TV tag? -No.

If I can get some guys, you want to play Red Rover?

No. Maybe. You get the guys first.

We'll talk about it.

No! Jungle gym mine!

Hey, where'd you get the Pete Rose haircut?

(groans, crying)

Anyone else want to feel my Reebok in their grapes?

Then you'll all do as I say.

-Hi. -Well, hello there.

(crying)

Yes, that's right, cry.

Cry like Sauron when he lost his contact lens.

Nobody move! Nobody move!

Does-D--Does anybody see it?

It might be stuck to a tree or a rock.

Anyone?

Oh, I am so grounded.

Hi, there. Peter Griffin.

I've got an appointment

to, uh, banish a White Russian from my Kremlin.

Well, we don't have empty rooms right now,

but if you'll have a seat...

Yeah. I kind of warmed myself up

in the car if you catch my drift.

I could put you in the storage freezer.

That'll work.

Nurse, I've got a splinter.

Just come out whenever you're done.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

(Peter yells)

PETER: Oh, God! I...

I think I feel them moving.

Hi. My partner and I want to have a baby.

We'd like a vial of sperm

and an applicator that looks like

Jodie Foster's knuckles.

Certainly. Let me just go to the freezer.

Mr. Griffin, y-you were in there an awfully long time.

Are you all right?

Yup, yup. Fine, fine.

And just so you know, everything in there

is exactly the way it was when I went in.

There is absolutely zero chance

that I spilled all the jars

and had to refill them with my own sperm.

Zero chance!

(thunder)

(screaming and groaning)

It's a boy!

Victory shall be mine!

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Tony Danza

and Sylvester Stallone in What?

-(speaks) -(speaks)

(babbles)

(babbles)

Peter, we have to talk.

We haven't had sex since your vasectomy.

Yeah, I just don't feel like it, Lois,

seeing as how I'm not a real man any more.

Honey, it was just a simple operation.

It's no reason to give up on your sex life.

I don't know, Lois. I'm just not feeling it any more.

Besides, it gives me time to try new things,

like that time I tried wearing adult diapers.

Hey, Lois. Hey, kids.

Oh, boy, that smells delicious.

You know, I'd love to stay and eat with you,

but I got to go meet Cleveland,

Joe, and Quagmire down at...

the bar. So just put my dinner

in the fridge and I'll heat it up later.

Love you.

You, go get me an ice cream.

You, clear the slide.

I'm going down in five minutes.

You! Did you get me my Cheez Whiz, boy?

You're my boyfriend.

Yes, dear. Of course I am.

Now, where's Lloyd with our Fun Dip?

Good God! Running an empire

is harder than finding diversity

in the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog.

STEWIE: Ooh! Ooh! There he is. There he is. Right there.

BRIAN: Ah, found him.

That was a tricky one.

(children chatter)

GIRL: No kidding. He looks weird.

What the deuce is all the commotion?

All right. Out of my way. Move aside.

What the hell is so bloody fascinating?

(gasp) You!

Well, well, well.

If it isn't my half-brother Stewie!

Bertram! I haven't seen you since our microscopic encounter.

How the deuce did you get out of Peter's testicles?

-He donated sperm. -Gross.

Well, I don't mean to be a discourteous host,

but this is my playground.

I rule this territory.

My, my! What an amusingly misguided view.

Very well, then. You leave me no choice

but to declare war!

So be it. I'll do to you

what B.C. does to comedy on a daily basis.

(speaks)

(speaks)

(speaks)

(forced laugh)

Hey, boys. You having a midnight snack?

-Hmm. -Mmm-hmm.

I'm just gonna grab something, too, and go back to bed

alone... again.

Night!

You know, Lois has gotten kind of fat

since you guys stopped having sex.

It might be time to, you know, have some sex.

You know, at first I didn't want to do it 'cause of the vasectomy.

But now it's just... I mean, look at her.

She's got elbow cleavage.

You know, that little wrinkle

that fat people get on their elbows

that looks like a schwa?

I mean, you wouldn't have sex with her, would you?

-Oh, yeah, I would. -Really?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I would do everything to her.

I don't care what she looks like.

I would wreck that chick.

Well, you are a trooper.

Sorry. Fat wife coming through.

Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. Fat wife.

Oh, hold on a sec.

All right, bring her through.

Peter, stop it.

For God's sakes, you're embarrassing me.

Not as embarrassed as I was

when I got that job entertaining prison inmates.

Do it again, Griffin.

Come on. I just did it, like, five times.

Do it!

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

And they're, like, it's better than yours

Damn right, it's better than yours

I can teach you but I have to charge(sobs)

Look, honey, with all due respect,

you've gained some weight recently.

It's 5 pounds at the most.

It's not a big deal.

It's a slippery slope, Lois.

You start with 5 pounds and then one day, boom!

You wake up and you're on The Practice

-with 16 rings in your ear. -(scoffs)

You're one to talk. Look how fat you are.

Lois, men aren't fat.

Only fat women are fat.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go warn the chef that you've arrived.

He wants fat? I'll show him fat.

The only reason I'm eating anyway is because of him.

He won't touch me.

Do you think I'm fat?

Only if you think I'm a serial killer.

-What? -Nothing.

Attention, all hands.

We're going to launch a massive air strike

against Bertram and his army.

Behold the armada.

It's quite simple, actually.

You press the smiling duck to take off,

the cow with the bow tie to fire weapons,

and the clown face is just a clown face. Enjoy it.

Now, battle stations, everyone!

(engines start)

At my signal, unleash hell!

What took you so long?

What took you so ugly?

Well, now what?

-You want to play 20 questions? -Sure.

-Uh, is it a man? -Yes.

-Is he famous? -Yes.

-Is he under 40? -No.

-Over 40? -Yes.

-On television? -Yes.

-On television now? -No.

-In the past 20 years? -Yes.

-Is it Richard Mulligan? -Yes!

Up until now,

we've been fighting Bertram on his terms.

Whoa, easy. Easy, girl. Easy, easy, easy.

But I propose an invasion.

We've got to fight him over there by the swing set

so we don't have to fight him here at the sandbox.

Stewie?

What's this?

A letter of surrender. We did it.

Whew! It's a good thing too, because

I really didn't have an exit strategy.

Yay, Stewie!

Oh, thank you, darling. I...

What is this? Makeup?

Why are you wearing makeup?

(gasp) Chicken pox!

Damn you, Bertram. I thought we called no biological warfare.

You swore on the seesaw.

Aaa ha ha ha!

Stewie, there you are.

Oh, my God. Your face.

Oh, sweetie. You got the chicken pox.

Come on, we got to get you out of here.

No. No, damn you, I've got to finish what I've started!

No-- My God, you've put on weight.

You're like one of those Memory Foam mattresses.

Look, there's my face.

Here you go, sweetie.

A couple more oatmeal baths

and you'll be all better.

Well, no need to clean up when I'm done.

You'll probably just slice a couple of bananas in here

and chow down, huh, porky?

So what happened with that kid on the playground?

He won this round, Brian.

But I'm going back tomorrow.

And when I've carried out my plan,

he won't know what hit him,

like that baseball team that Peter coached.

Well, kids, just when I thought

we'd never find an assistant coach,

I ran into this drifter hanging out

near the elementary school playground.

He's got a clown costume in his trunk,

so we know he's good with kids,

and pictures of boys in their underwear,

so he's probably had some medical training.

Well, I'm gonna take off while he fits you

for cups in that windowless supply shed.

See you.

TV ANNOUNCER: This Friday on TNT, the world premiere

of Morgan Freeman in The Narrator.

MORGAN FREEMAN: Ever since I was a little boy,

people have enjoyed the sound of my voice.

And I figured you either get busy talking

or you get busy dying.

The work is really quite easy.

Why, even right now, I'm just sitting in a chair

sipping some tea and reading from a script.

The wall is covered with something that resembles egg crates,

except they're soft and spongy like a Twinkie.

Like a Twinkie.

Oh, hey, Hogzilla.

You happen to see my hot wife Lois around?

No, I haven't.

Maybe she's out looking for a man who can satisfy her.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Do me a favor.

When you go to sleep, aim your butt the other way.

Last night, for God's sake, you farted.

I felt like somebody was sticking me

with a cigarette lighter from the car. You're fat.

Shut up and go to sleep!

(both grunting) Ow! Ow!

Lois, you weigh a ton! Get off me!

-I'm trying, I... -Try harder!

Ow! Peter, if you just stop for one second...

Ow! Lois, that hurts. Quit it.

(moaning in pleasure)

Peter, are we having sex?

Let's check. Just lift up that fold right there.

Uh, yup.

Lois, last night was amazing.

It was, wasn't it?

Fat sex is the hottest sex we've ever had.

There were so many boobs,

I didn't know whose boobs I was grabbing,

your boobs or my boobs.

I know. It was amazing.

Much better than that night you pretended

your penis was Danny Aiello.

Oh, that is so interesting, Danny Aiello.

You've got the best Spike Lee stories.

What's that? You want to meet my wife?

Peter, stop it.

Lois, just say hello.

You're embarrassing me in front of Danny Aiello.

Now, come here, my fat concubine.

(muffled) Peter, I'm not even hungry.

I want you bigger. I want you fatter.

It will please me.

With Stewart out of the picture,

this whole playground is under my control.

I sense something.

A presence I've not felt since...

Aah!

Stewie, you're alive!

Yes, Bertram, I'm alive.

And I think you'll find all your guards quite incapacitated.

You have an annoying habit

of turning up where you're not welcome.

Well, when I'm done with you, you're going to hate me more

than the other vowels hate "Y."

If you'll turn to Page 34 of your blue books,

you'll see our projections for next quarter,

-which I can tell are... -Okay. Okay. Yeah, all right.

You know what? I'm in a meeting. I'll call you back.

Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up.

-So, what are we talking about here? -Well, before you--

(phone rings) Oh, I'm sorry. "F," what's up?

No, no. I can talk.

En garde!

(both giggle)

Any last words?

You wouldn't kill me, would you?

Thanks for helping me

dig this hole, Mr. Moltisanti.

Hey, no problem, Stewie.

This can be a pain in the ass

when you got to do it all by yourself.

You're telling me. All right. Go ahead and drop it in.

Oh, boy. That's gonna be beautiful

when it reaches adulthood.

Yeah. I love plants.

So what happened with that kid

you were telling me about?

He admitted defeat and ran off.

What a mook!

Oh, Peter, I love you so much.

PETER: Oh, Lois. I have no idea if we're doing it

or if that's just the back of your knee,

but either way, it feels so good.

LOIS: Ow, Peter, you're on my arm. It hurts.

Oh! My chest hurts, too.

Oh, my God.

Peter, I think I'm having a heart attack.

Oh, me, too, sweetie. Me, too.

No, no, Peter, I'm really having a heart attack.

PETER: Oh--Oh, my God! You're serious?

Oh, we should get you to the hospital.

All right, hold-hold on a sec.

All right, a-almost done. Almost done. Almost--

-LOIS: Peter! -PETER: Almost done. Almost done.

Almost done. Almost done. Okay, let's go.

Well, it was a tough job removing all that fat

to get to your heart, Mrs. Griffin.

But you came through it beautifully.

Honey, I'm sorry

I tried to make you into something you're not.

I love you no matter what size you are.

Although, I got to admit,

I'm gonna miss eating cereal out of the dimples on your ass.

Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up

for a few days and you'll be just fine.

Thank you, Doctor.

I realize now that eating is not the way to solve my problems.

You hear that, Meg?

For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems.

I cut myself. Is that better?

Chris, we all love your hat.

Thanks, Mom.

Hey, Doc, what did you do with my mom's fat?

Oh, it's right here in this storage closet.

Uh...

It's exactly what it looks like.

(theme music playing)