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1
00:00:01,460 --> 00:00:04,546
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:07,799
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:07,883 --> 00:00:11,303
But where are
those good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:14,014
On which we
used to rely?
5
00:00:14,097 --> 00:00:17,809
Lucky there's
a family guy
6
00:00:17,893 --> 00:00:21,271
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,898
All the things
that make us
8
00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:24,691
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,775 --> 00:00:29,613
He's a family guy
10
00:00:33,951 --> 00:00:35,410
All right,
all bets are in.
11
00:00:35,494 --> 00:00:38,205
Ooh, Rupert, bad idea
trusting the Celtics.
12
00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:41,291
Worse than when
I trusted Brian to pack my parachute.
13
00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:57,558
Hey, Brian, care
to place a wager?
14
00:00:57,641 --> 00:00:59,601
Tomorrow night on
Fox's Celebrity Boxing,
15
00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:02,729
I've got Carol Channing
beating Mike Tyson in three rounds.
16
00:01:02,813 --> 00:01:03,856
Carol Channing.
17
00:01:03,939 --> 00:01:06,024
You've got Carol
Channing, the actress,
18
00:01:06,108 --> 00:01:08,068
beating Mike Tyson,
the boxer.
19
00:01:08,151 --> 00:01:09,611
Hell, give me
$50 on Tyson.
20
00:01:09,695 --> 00:01:10,904
Well, you're
in good company.
21
00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:12,865
Betting Freddy took
the same wager.
22
00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:15,826
(stutter) Bet!
23
00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:19,413
Wait a minute.
There's nothing funny about an addiction.
24
00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:22,207
Vote no on Indian
gaming laws.
25
00:01:24,793 --> 00:01:27,421
MALE TV. HOST:
And we're back with Fox Celebrity Boxing
26
00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:29,423
with Mike Tyson
and Carol Channing.
27
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:32,509
I tell you, Jim,
how Carol Channing outlasted that barrage
28
00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:34,344
in the second round,
we'll never know.
29
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:35,929
(bell dings)
30
00:01:36,013 --> 00:01:38,223
(crowd cheering)
31
00:01:38,307 --> 00:01:41,059
Come here, young man.
I'm gonna bop you one.
32
00:01:43,187 --> 00:01:45,063
(crowd cheering)
33
00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:46,148
She's getting beat!
34
00:01:46,231 --> 00:01:48,108
No, she's getting mad.
35
00:01:48,192 --> 00:01:50,736
Ah! You ain't so
tough, young man.
36
00:01:53,197 --> 00:01:55,282
That all you got,
you son of a bitch?
37
00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:57,117
You're going down,
young man.
38
00:02:01,205 --> 00:02:02,748
You're going down!
39
00:02:02,831 --> 00:02:04,082
I can't--
I can't believe this.
40
00:02:04,166 --> 00:02:05,459
She keeps getting up.
41
00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:06,627
I'm so exhausted.
42
00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:08,295
(crowd gasps)
43
00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:09,796
(bell ding)
44
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,715
And the winner,
by technical knockout,
45
00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:14,092
weighing in
at 67 pounds,
46
00:02:14,176 --> 00:02:17,179
Carol "Put On
Your Sunday Clothes" Channing.
47
00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:19,223
-Yeah!
-(crowd boo)
48
00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:21,308
Up yours,
young people.
49
00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:24,353
You and your
rock and roll 8-track tapes!
50
00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:27,272
I don't believe this.
I just lost a $50 bet.
51
00:02:27,356 --> 00:02:29,816
You know, Mike Tyson
once beat up his wife.
52
00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:32,152
But there's nothing
funny about that.
53
00:02:33,403 --> 00:02:35,239
(giggle)
54
00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:37,491
Hi, guys. We're back
from the mall.
55
00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:39,201
I got new shoes.
56
00:02:39,284 --> 00:02:41,954
The old ones are
in the box. Ha ha ha.
57
00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:44,373
They smell and are old.
58
00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:47,835
Hey, Peter, your 25th high-school
reunion is next Sunday.
59
00:02:47,918 --> 00:02:49,503
Throw that away.
I don't want to go.
60
00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:52,130
Besides, Sunday's
my Internet porn night.
61
00:02:53,465 --> 00:02:55,008
Oh, yeah!
62
00:02:55,092 --> 00:02:57,928
You're my Chinese Lois.
63
00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,596
(crickets chirping)
64
00:03:01,098 --> 00:03:02,516
Hey, it's me.
Knock, knock.
65
00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:05,644
So, uh, you got, uh--
you got my money?
66
00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,521
Huh? Oh, yeah.
I'll-- I'll pay you soon.
67
00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:10,232
Yeah, well, um,
here's a suggestion.
68
00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,775
Um, have the money
by tomorrow,
69
00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:13,277
and there won't be
any problems.
70
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,279
-Huh?
-Yeah, 24 hours.
71
00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:16,947
Why? What--What happens
in 24 hours?
72
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,991
Huh? I don't know. (scoffs)
I'm not psychic, man.
73
00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:20,993
I'm just saying
it would probably be better for everybody
74
00:03:21,076 --> 00:03:22,744
-if you had the money tomorrow.
-Yeah, all right.
75
00:03:22,828 --> 00:03:25,622
-I'll see what I can do.
-Sweet, sweet. Great.
76
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,541
-How's everything else going?
-Good.
77
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,918
All right. All right,
see you later.
78
00:03:30,002 --> 00:03:31,170
Don't forget.
79
00:03:31,253 --> 00:03:32,754
No, you're not
gonna forget.
80
00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:36,967
Hey, Peter, I was going
through your garbage,
81
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:39,094
and I noticed
your high school reunion is coming up.
82
00:03:39,178 --> 00:03:40,345
Why were you going
through my garbage?
83
00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:41,680
Well, when I stopped
over earlier,
84
00:03:41,763 --> 00:03:43,390
I noticed Lois
clipping her toenails,
85
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:45,058
and I thought,
"Oh, man, I got to get in on that."
86
00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:46,310
Huh.
87
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,228
Yeah, I don't think
I'm going to my reunion.
88
00:03:48,312 --> 00:03:50,147
Everybody's all got
their nice cars,
89
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,481
and their big,
important jobs,
90
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,192
and their fancy hats,
91
00:03:53,275 --> 00:03:54,651
and their fresh
strawberries
92
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,778
so big you can eat
them like a hand fruit.
93
00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:59,281
Peter, everyone lies
at those things.
94
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:00,616
Just tell them
you're a big shot.
95
00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:02,826
Wait a second, Joe,
that's a great idea.
96
00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:05,954
Boy, imagine
what it would be like to be a big shot.
97
00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,585
Diego?
98
00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:12,753
Sweaty.
99
00:04:12,836 --> 00:04:14,546
Aaaah.
100
00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:15,923
Thank you.
101
00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:24,890
Stewie, uh, hey.
102
00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:27,935
Hey, there.
So, uh, it's been 24 hours.
103
00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:29,728
-Got my money?
-Oh, uh, you know what?
104
00:04:29,811 --> 00:04:31,980
Just give me
till next Friday. I'll have it for you.
105
00:04:32,064 --> 00:04:33,482
Oh... Oh, that's funny.
106
00:04:33,565 --> 00:04:35,234
I could have sworn
I said have it today.
107
00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:36,610
Yeah, I don't have it,
sorry.
108
00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:38,904
Oh. Well.
All right, then.
109
00:04:38,987 --> 00:04:40,989
Mmm. That's good OJ.
110
00:04:41,073 --> 00:04:42,824
(scream)
111
00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:45,327
-Yeah, that hurt? That hurt?
-What the hell?
112
00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:47,829
Yeah, doesn't
feel so good, does it? No?
113
00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:49,998
Oh! Ah! Ow!
114
00:04:50,082 --> 00:04:51,542
Yeah, that's
what happens, man.
115
00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:52,626
Oh, my God.
116
00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:53,877
Yeah, that's
what happens.
117
00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:55,462
Oh! Ah! Ah!
118
00:04:55,546 --> 00:04:56,797
Where's my money?
119
00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:58,757
You gonna give me
my money?
120
00:04:58,841 --> 00:05:00,092
Where's my money, man?
121
00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:04,346
Where's the money?
122
00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:06,390
Ahhh. Ahhh!
123
00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,016
Yeah, you like that?
That feel good?
124
00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:09,184
That feel good?
125
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:11,144
(scream)
126
00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:13,689
Where's the money, man?
Where's my money?
127
00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:19,069
You've got till 5:00.
You hear me?
128
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,571
You got till 5:00.
129
00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:22,281
You freaking psychopath!
130
00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:23,991
Clean yourself up.
131
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:30,622
(chatter)
132
00:05:30,706 --> 00:05:31,957
Peter, this is
ridiculous.
133
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,500
Why can't you
just be yourself?
134
00:05:33,584 --> 00:05:35,002
PETER: Lois, just
go along with it.
135
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,086
Act like I'm a big shot.
136
00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:37,171
(sigh)
137
00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:39,506
Hey, Peter Griffin,
is that you?
138
00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:41,466
Hey, Mike,
long time no see.
139
00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:43,093
Wow. What...
140
00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:45,470
-What's all this?
-Oh, this? I just came from work.
141
00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:47,890
I'm a secret agent
astronaut millionaire.
142
00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:50,058
Cool. Where'd you get
the cowboy hat?
143
00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:51,977
Space.
144
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:53,395
Oh, by the way,
this is my friend, Tom.
145
00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:56,857
(gasp) You're Tom
Brady from the New England Patriots!
146
00:05:56,940 --> 00:05:59,067
Oh, man, I got to tell
you, you kick ass, man.
147
00:05:59,151 --> 00:06:00,903
In fact, I was
just saying that the other day
148
00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:02,321
to all the guys down
at the brewery.
149
00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:05,324
Brewery? I thought
you were a cowboy astronaut millionaire.
150
00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:06,575
He's a fake!
151
00:06:06,658 --> 00:06:08,827
Look, this cowboy hat
comes right off.
152
00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:11,538
(laughter)
153
00:06:13,332 --> 00:06:16,335
Coming here was
a huge mistake, Lois.
154
00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:18,045
Peter, I know
you're humiliated,
155
00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:20,005
but getting drunk
is not the answer.
156
00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:22,841
Uh-oh. Either my
esophagus just got shorter,
157
00:06:22,925 --> 00:06:24,468
or I'm about
to throw up.
158
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:28,388
CROWD: Hey! Ow! Hey!
159
00:06:30,516 --> 00:06:32,226
(vomiting)
160
00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:33,519
Peter, that was amazing.
161
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:36,188
I've never seen a
guy your size who could move like that.
162
00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:38,815
How would you like
to play for the New England Patriots?
163
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:41,401
PETER:
Oh. I'd love to.
164
00:06:41,485 --> 00:06:42,778
Say, listen, uh, Tom,
165
00:06:42,861 --> 00:06:43,862
could you get
me a towel?
166
00:06:43,946 --> 00:06:45,864
-I threw up
on the floor. -Sure.
167
00:06:45,948 --> 00:06:47,574
And could you also get
another towel?
168
00:06:47,658 --> 00:06:50,077
I also threw up
on this gentleman's bare lap.
169
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:51,161
MAN: Could you
wet the towel?
170
00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:52,371
PETER: Wet the
towel, Tom?
171
00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:57,251
For our top
story tonight,
172
00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:59,586
we go live to terrific
haircut Bob Costas
173
00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:01,588
as he talks with
local man Peter Griffin,
174
00:07:01,672 --> 00:07:02,756
who is living his dream
175
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,633
of playing for the
New England Patriots.
176
00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:05,717
-Bob?
-Thanks, Tom.
177
00:07:05,801 --> 00:07:06,927
I'm fond of your hair,
as well.
178
00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:08,512
I'm standing here
with Tom Brady
179
00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:10,597
and his newest teammate,
Peter Griffin.
180
00:07:10,681 --> 00:07:12,266
Hey, Ma! Check it out!
181
00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:14,142
I'm married to
a pro athlete!
182
00:07:14,226 --> 00:07:15,894
Ha! What do you
think of that?
183
00:07:15,978 --> 00:07:16,979
Ha ha ha!
184
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:18,605
We're really excited
to have Peter.
185
00:07:18,689 --> 00:07:20,941
I think he's gonna make
a great addition to a great team.
186
00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:24,820
I want to thank God.
Uh, I want to thank the Lord God.
187
00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:27,614
Uh, 'cause it's not
really up to me. It's up to him.
188
00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:30,367
Um, and I want to thank
the devil, too.
189
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,160
Uh, you know,
'cause that's--
190
00:07:32,244 --> 00:07:33,745
uh, that's why
God's there.
191
00:07:33,829 --> 00:07:35,789
He's, uh--
He's minding the fence,
192
00:07:35,873 --> 00:07:38,166
making sure that guy
never comes back.
193
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:39,459
Uh...
194
00:07:39,543 --> 00:07:40,544
You know, if it
weren't for the devil,
195
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,045
God'd probably
go insane,
196
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:44,548
blow his brains out
from boredom, you know?
197
00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:47,718
Everybody likes
to feel useful.
198
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:50,596
Maketh the world
go round.
199
00:07:50,679 --> 00:07:51,972
Back to you, Tom.
200
00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:53,974
Diane, didn't
your first husband blow his brains out?
201
00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:57,644
Oh, God. (sobs)
202
00:07:57,728 --> 00:08:00,814
Coming up, America's hottest
new curse word, "kleeman."
203
00:08:00,898 --> 00:08:02,316
We'll tell you what
it means after this.
204
00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:04,735
Boy, Lois, I can't
believe this is happening to me.
205
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,445
I'm somebody
now, you know?
206
00:08:06,528 --> 00:08:09,656
I-I-I don't have to
lie to people about my life any more.
207
00:08:09,740 --> 00:08:11,867
Oh, I am so happy
for you, Peter.
208
00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:14,161
What the hell
happened to you?
209
00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:17,539
I, uh, fell
down the stairs.
210
00:08:17,623 --> 00:08:19,249
Oh, you should
be more careful.
211
00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:23,795
All right, I'm ready.
Come on, good game.
212
00:08:23,879 --> 00:08:25,881
Good game, everybody.
Yeah. Come on, good game.
213
00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:28,175
Let's get out there.
Let's do it. Yeah, yeah.
214
00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:30,511
110%, everybody.
110%. Huh?
215
00:08:30,594 --> 00:08:32,554
Come on, let's go.
Let's go. Good game!
216
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:37,184
Ready! Blue 20,
blue 20! Hut, hut!
217
00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,270
-Griffin, let go!
-Let's go?
218
00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:47,569
(crowd cheers)
219
00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:55,744
(gasp)
220
00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:01,625
-Morning.
-Good day to you, sir.
221
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:03,043
Hey, wait a minute.
What the hell?
222
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,127
(fearful moan)
223
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,712
Aaaaaa!
224
00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:08,799
Ah! Ow!
225
00:09:10,592 --> 00:09:13,512
Getting real tired
of you ducking me, man. Yeah?
226
00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:16,515
-Oh, my God!
-Yeah, getting really tired.
227
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:23,605
Where's my money?
Where's my money?
228
00:09:23,689 --> 00:09:26,775
Yeah, you got money to
pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah.
229
00:09:26,859 --> 00:09:29,278
Yeah, how much you pay
for that fake mustache?
230
00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:30,362
$2.99.
231
00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:31,822
(scream)
232
00:09:33,949 --> 00:09:36,243
Listen, you just
got to give me more tim-- (scream)
233
00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:37,661
Don't make a fool
out of me, man.
234
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:38,954
Don't make
a fool out of me.
235
00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:42,374
I want my money.
I want my money, man.
236
00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:44,042
Stewie, listen,
this is crazy.
237
00:09:44,126 --> 00:09:45,377
You got... Oh, my God.
238
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:50,799
(scream)
239
00:09:51,967 --> 00:09:53,510
All right, let's go
to the bank.
240
00:09:55,721 --> 00:09:56,972
Well, I got
to tell you,
241
00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:58,932
this was a delicious
dinner, Mrs. Griffin.
242
00:09:59,016 --> 00:10:00,017
(laughs)
243
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,477
Well, the pleasure is
all ours, Mr. Brady.
244
00:10:02,561 --> 00:10:03,770
Please, call me Tom.
245
00:10:03,854 --> 00:10:05,731
(squeals and giggles)
246
00:10:05,814 --> 00:10:07,524
Can I call you Tom, too?
247
00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:08,609
Well, of course.
248
00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:10,777
(squeals and giggles)
249
00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:13,822
Mr. Brady,
would you please sign my Trapper Keeper?
250
00:10:13,906 --> 00:10:17,159
Oh, Tom, your shirt.
I'm so sorry.
251
00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:20,329
-Look, you can use our shower if you want.
-No, it's okay.
252
00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:22,414
It's just a little spot.
It'll come out.
253
00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:23,874
Well, that's not
gonna come out.
254
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,292
You better
take a shower.
255
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:28,086
(water running)
256
00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:29,838
(drill whirs)
257
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:33,967
-Mom, let me look!
-Meg, stop shoving.
258
00:10:34,051 --> 00:10:35,594
You wouldn't even know
what to do with it.
259
00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:37,763
He's closer to my age,
you cow.
260
00:10:38,555 --> 00:10:39,556
What the hell is this?
261
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:40,849
Oh, hi, Stewie.
262
00:10:40,933 --> 00:10:42,100
W-We were just leaving.
263
00:10:42,184 --> 00:10:43,519
I say, what the devil is
all the fuss about?
264
00:10:43,602 --> 00:10:47,272
I don't get it.
What's in there? Bing, bong! Hello!
265
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,526
Hey. What's going on?
266
00:10:50,609 --> 00:10:51,985
What the hell?
Get out of here!
267
00:10:52,069 --> 00:10:54,071
What? We're on
the same team. We shower together.
268
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:55,364
Yeah, in the
locker room!
269
00:10:55,447 --> 00:10:56,865
Yeah, yeah,
come here, you.
270
00:10:56,949 --> 00:10:58,367
Stop it. Knock it off.
What, are you crazy?
271
00:10:58,450 --> 00:11:00,494
We're just a couple
of guys messing around.
272
00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:01,578
That's what we are.
273
00:11:02,913 --> 00:11:05,374
Oh, oh, quiet,
everybody, my commercial's on.
274
00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:06,959
Hi, I'm Peter Griffin
275
00:11:07,042 --> 00:11:08,377
of the New
England Patriots.
276
00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:12,422
I'm here to kick off
the Touchdown of Savings weekend
277
00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:14,508
at Wilkins Hyundai
and Subaru.
278
00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:16,552
We will blitz the
competition,
279
00:11:16,635 --> 00:11:17,803
and in no time,
280
00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:20,681
you'll be driving your
new Hyundai or Subaru
281
00:11:20,764 --> 00:11:23,016
right to a touchdown.
282
00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:27,896
PETER:At Wilkins
Hyundai and Subaru
283
00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:31,108
We have Hyundais
and Subarus
284
00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:36,280
Mom, the game's
about to start. Where's Dad?
285
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:39,032
I don't know, Chris.
And I'm starting to get worried.
286
00:11:39,116 --> 00:11:41,994
I think all this
success might be going to his head.
287
00:11:42,077 --> 00:11:44,913
Do you know he
spent $30,000 on a wax sculpture
288
00:11:44,997 --> 00:11:47,499
of Harriet Tubman
doing Gwyneth Paltrow?
289
00:11:47,583 --> 00:11:51,837
Yeah. Yeah,
that is happening for real.
290
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,255
Yeah.
291
00:11:54,173 --> 00:11:55,924
I'll enjoy that
more tomorrow.
292
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:58,051
Where the hell
is Griffin?
293
00:11:58,135 --> 00:11:59,344
It's almost time
for kickoff.
294
00:11:59,428 --> 00:12:01,722
Well, I guess we have
to start without him.
295
00:12:07,019 --> 00:12:10,647
What do you think, huh? I got this
for doing that car dealership ad.
296
00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:13,275
All right, enough
messing around. Huh? Let's play this game.
297
00:12:13,358 --> 00:12:15,152
Let's play some
football.
298
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,779
Griffin, I'm getting
really tired of your cocky attitude.
299
00:12:17,863 --> 00:12:19,907
How many times
have I told you, no showboating?
300
00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:21,909
Relax, Tom, I'm just
having a little fun.
301
00:12:21,992 --> 00:12:23,493
I got it under control.
302
00:12:23,577 --> 00:12:25,913
Okay, 28-Z right,
pitch left,
303
00:12:25,996 --> 00:12:28,790
on one, on one.
Ready? Break!
304
00:12:28,874 --> 00:12:33,045
Ready, green 54!
Green 54! Set, hut, hut!
305
00:12:41,553 --> 00:12:42,721
Yeah!
306
00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:45,516
Huh. There might
be some hope for this guy after all.
307
00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:46,725
Yeah.
308
00:12:47,851 --> 00:12:50,354
Damn it, Griffin!
I said no showboating!
309
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:52,898
This calls for
a victory tune!
310
00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:56,151
(showtune jazz playing)
311
00:12:56,235 --> 00:12:58,028
Now a woman
who'll kiss on a very first date
312
00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,655
Is usually a hussy
313
00:12:59,738 --> 00:13:01,365
And a woman
who'll kiss on the second time out
314
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:02,824
Is anything
but fussy
315
00:13:02,908 --> 00:13:05,035
But a woman
who'll wait till the third time around
316
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:06,912
Head in the clouds,
feet on the ground
317
00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:08,747
She's the girl
he's glad he's found
318
00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:10,165
She's his shipoopi
319
00:13:10,249 --> 00:13:12,918
Shipoopi, shipoopi,
shipoopi
320
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:14,461
CROWD:
The girl who's hard to get
321
00:13:14,545 --> 00:13:17,047
Shipoopi, shipoopi,
shipoopi
322
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,715
CHEERLEADERS:
But you can win her yet
323
00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:20,717
Walk around once,
just to raise the curtain
324
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:22,803
Walk around twice
and you're made for certain
325
00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:24,221
Once more
in the flower garden
326
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,640
She will never
get sore if you beg her pardon
327
00:13:28,183 --> 00:13:29,935
Do, re, mi, fa,
so, la, si, do
328
00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:31,353
si, la, so,
fa, mi, re, do
329
00:13:31,436 --> 00:13:33,063
Squeeze her once
when she isn't looking
330
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,065
Get a squeeze back,
that's fancy cooking
331
00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,525
Once more for
a pepper upper
332
00:13:36,608 --> 00:13:38,652
She will never
get sore on the way to supper
333
00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:43,323
Do, re, mi, fa, so,
la, si, do, si, do
334
00:13:43,407 --> 00:13:47,286
Now little old Sal
was a no-gal as anyone could see
335
00:13:47,369 --> 00:13:50,289
Look at her now,
she's a go-gal who only goes for me
336
00:13:50,372 --> 00:13:52,541
Squeeze her once
when she isn't looking
337
00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:54,418
Get a squeeze back,
that's fancy cooking
338
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,086
Once more for
a pepper upper
339
00:13:56,170 --> 00:13:57,963
She will never
get sore on the way to supper
340
00:13:58,046 --> 00:14:01,175
Do, re, mi, fa, so,
la, si, do, si, do
341
00:14:01,258 --> 00:14:03,886
Shipoopi, shipoopi,
shipoopi
342
00:14:03,969 --> 00:14:05,387
CROWD:
The girl who's hard to get
343
00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:08,140
Shipoopi, shipoopi,
shipoopi
344
00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:10,475
CHEERLEADERS:
But you can win her yet
345
00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:14,062
(showtune jazz)
346
00:14:29,286 --> 00:14:31,413
No! No!
347
00:14:54,978 --> 00:14:57,147
ALL:
Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi
348
00:14:57,231 --> 00:14:58,774
The girl who's
hard to get
349
00:14:58,857 --> 00:15:01,360
Shipoopi, shipoopi,
shipoopi
350
00:15:01,443 --> 00:15:03,278
But you can
win her yet
351
00:15:03,362 --> 00:15:06,740
(emphatically)
You can win her
352
00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:10,369
Yet
353
00:15:10,452 --> 00:15:12,621
Shipoopi!
354
00:15:12,704 --> 00:15:15,832
All right.
I made a touchdown.
355
00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:17,918
Griffin, you're fired!
356
00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:19,002
For what?
357
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,379
We've had it
with your crap.
358
00:15:20,462 --> 00:15:21,505
I talked to the coach,
359
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:23,257
and he's selling
your contract to another team.
360
00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:24,967
And the only
one that'll take
361
00:15:25,050 --> 00:15:26,760
you is the worst
football team in Europe,
362
00:15:26,844 --> 00:15:28,637
the London
Silly Nannies.
363
00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:35,727
So, Brian,
we're even now, right?
364
00:15:35,811 --> 00:15:37,479
Ready to start
a new life in England.
365
00:15:37,563 --> 00:15:39,940
I've got my money.
Your wounds have healed up nicely.
366
00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:42,025
What do you say we let
bygones be bygones? Hmm?
367
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:44,027
You shot me in
both my knees,
368
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:46,113
then lit me on
fire. Piss off.
369
00:15:46,196 --> 00:15:47,948
All right, all right.
I tell you what,
370
00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:50,200
you get one free
revenge shot at me.
371
00:15:50,284 --> 00:15:53,078
Okay. But I'm not
gonna tell you when it's coming.
372
00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:55,706
-(grunts)
-(screams)
373
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,041
-(grunts)
-(screams)
374
00:15:58,125 --> 00:15:59,710
Ah, this is
gonna be fun.
375
00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,420
Peter, this is crazy.
376
00:16:01,503 --> 00:16:04,715
Isn't there any way the Patriots
could let you back on the team?
377
00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:06,550
No, they said the
decision was final.
378
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,552
It's all right,
Lois. I can make the best of this.
379
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:11,305
I mean,
a British football team can't be that bad.
380
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,058
Uh, excuse me.
Hey, there. Hi.
381
00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:17,311
I'm, uh, Peter Griffin.
I'm your new player.
382
00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:19,897
Oh, yes, Peter.
Welcome to the Silly Nannies.
383
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,315
I'm the quarterback,
Lesley.
384
00:16:21,398 --> 00:16:22,441
This is our team.
385
00:16:22,524 --> 00:16:24,193
(showtune music playing)
386
00:16:25,611 --> 00:16:26,904
If you'll marry me
387
00:16:26,987 --> 00:16:28,155
I'll dig for you
and rake for you
388
00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:29,573
If you'll marry me
389
00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:31,074
I'll scrub for you
and bake for you
390
00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:32,409
If you'll marry me
391
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,077
All others
I'll forsake for you
392
00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:37,247
All this will I do
if you'll marry me
393
00:16:37,331 --> 00:16:40,792
All this will I do
if you'll marry me
394
00:16:40,876 --> 00:16:42,419
Oh, crap.
395
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:51,011
Well, I guess living
in a London flat
396
00:16:51,094 --> 00:16:52,679
isn't gonna
be too bad, huh?
397
00:16:52,763 --> 00:16:54,681
Mom, there's no water
in the toilet.
398
00:16:54,765 --> 00:16:57,184
First of all, Chris,
it's called a loo.
399
00:16:57,267 --> 00:16:58,644
Second, there's
no water in it,
400
00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:01,355
because everybody
here just uses Elizabeth Hurley.
401
00:17:01,438 --> 00:17:02,439
All right, well,
where is she?
402
00:17:02,523 --> 00:17:04,316
'Cause I need her now!
403
00:17:05,442 --> 00:17:07,402
MALE TV HOST: You're
watching BBC FOUR.
404
00:17:07,486 --> 00:17:09,863
Previously on
Condensation.
405
00:17:09,947 --> 00:17:11,198
Ellen, there's moisture
406
00:17:11,281 --> 00:17:13,033
on the outside
of my glass.
407
00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:15,202
It's condensation,
Johnny.
408
00:17:15,285 --> 00:17:17,454
But what about the fog
on the windows?
409
00:17:17,538 --> 00:17:19,498
It's not fog, Johnny.
410
00:17:19,581 --> 00:17:22,292
It, too, is called
condensation.
411
00:17:22,376 --> 00:17:27,047
"Con-den-sation."
(echoes)
412
00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:28,882
Hey, Peter, how
was your first
413
00:17:28,966 --> 00:17:30,175
Silly Nannies practice?
414
00:17:30,259 --> 00:17:31,635
It sucked, Lois.
415
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:34,263
Those Silly Nannies are
just a bunch of losers.
416
00:17:34,346 --> 00:17:35,681
Pack your bags.
We're going home.
417
00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:37,099
What, you're just
giving up?
418
00:17:37,182 --> 00:17:39,059
Look, Peter, I know
you're upset
419
00:17:39,142 --> 00:17:40,686
because you blew
your opportunity
420
00:17:40,769 --> 00:17:41,770
with the Patriots.
421
00:17:41,854 --> 00:17:44,982
But this is your chance
to redeem yourself.
422
00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:46,525
Now, I bet
if you really tried,
423
00:17:46,608 --> 00:17:48,235
you could turn
that team around.
424
00:17:48,318 --> 00:17:49,695
You know what, Lois?
425
00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:52,531
When you were talking
about that sale at TJ Maxx just now,
426
00:17:52,614 --> 00:17:53,866
I came up with an idea.
427
00:17:53,949 --> 00:17:56,326
I am going to turn
that team around.
428
00:17:56,410 --> 00:17:57,828
And we'll challenge
the Patriots
429
00:17:57,911 --> 00:18:00,080
to a game, and we'll
kick their ass!
430
00:18:02,541 --> 00:18:04,543
Oh, man, what
an attractive woman.
431
00:18:04,626 --> 00:18:06,211
-(phone rings)
-Hello?
432
00:18:06,295 --> 00:18:07,921
Hey, Brady, you're dead!
433
00:18:08,005 --> 00:18:10,924
Listen, Leno,
you keep calling here and threatening me,
434
00:18:11,008 --> 00:18:12,176
I'm gonna notify
the police.
435
00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:14,303
Leno? No, no,
this is Peter Griffin.
436
00:18:14,386 --> 00:18:16,889
I'm calling to challenge
you to a grudge match
437
00:18:16,972 --> 00:18:17,973
between the Patriots
438
00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:19,266
and the London
Silly Nannies.
439
00:18:19,349 --> 00:18:22,895
Huh. Well, Griffin, if you want
to embarrass yourself, be my guest.
440
00:18:22,978 --> 00:18:26,190
Good. What do
you say, England? Two weeks from now?
441
00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:27,482
See you there.
442
00:18:27,566 --> 00:18:29,610
-(phone rings)
-Hello?
443
00:18:29,693 --> 00:18:31,195
Hey, Brady! What
kind of suit
444
00:18:31,278 --> 00:18:34,072
do you want to be
buried in? Ha ha ha.
445
00:18:41,121 --> 00:18:42,789
Oh, you kids are
gonna love this.
446
00:18:42,873 --> 00:18:45,751
England has such
a rich heritage of great theater.
447
00:18:45,834 --> 00:18:47,211
(polite applause)
448
00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:49,213
Cramsat on the bingum
with the gam gum?
449
00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:51,340
Treaches on the upper
with the trang sang.
450
00:18:51,423 --> 00:18:52,633
(laughter)
451
00:18:52,716 --> 00:18:54,843
Croppers to you,
you crang sang lover.
452
00:18:54,927 --> 00:18:56,053
CROWD: Ooooh!
453
00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:57,888
A-ha ha ha!
454
00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,598
She rogered
the boogley!
455
00:18:59,681 --> 00:19:00,849
Ha ha ha!
456
00:19:02,893 --> 00:19:03,894
All right, now
listen up,
457
00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:05,062
you limey bum sniffers.
458
00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:07,439
If we're gonna beat
the New England Patriots next week,
459
00:19:07,523 --> 00:19:08,899
I got to toughen you up.
460
00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:09,983
So you're gonna
get in shape
461
00:19:10,067 --> 00:19:11,818
the way American
athletes do,
462
00:19:11,902 --> 00:19:13,654
by taking steroids.
463
00:19:13,737 --> 00:19:14,738
I say, Jenkins,
464
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,865
you give me that dirty
look one more time,
465
00:19:16,949 --> 00:19:18,951
and I've a good mind
to get into my PJ's
466
00:19:19,034 --> 00:19:20,160
and have a pillow
fight with you.
467
00:19:20,244 --> 00:19:21,995
Very well, then.
En garde!
468
00:19:22,079 --> 00:19:23,997
(clamoring)
469
00:19:24,081 --> 00:19:25,916
-I like your gown.
-I like yours.
470
00:19:33,715 --> 00:19:36,301
Aaaaagh! When's
the beating gonna come, Brian?
471
00:19:36,385 --> 00:19:37,469
Just tell me
when it's gonna come!
472
00:19:37,553 --> 00:19:38,804
Just do something,
anything!
473
00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:40,639
Look, look, I-I'll do
it. I'll do it first.
474
00:19:41,598 --> 00:19:43,100
Look, look,
I'll do it even worse.
475
00:19:44,142 --> 00:19:45,644
Oh, oh!
Look how hurt I am.
476
00:19:45,727 --> 00:19:47,813
(laughing anxiously)
We're even now!
477
00:19:53,277 --> 00:19:54,570
You're going
down, Brady!
478
00:19:54,653 --> 00:19:56,446
You're the one who's
going down, Griffin!
479
00:19:56,530 --> 00:19:58,073
Ow! What the hell?
480
00:19:58,156 --> 00:19:59,783
Ha ha ha ha.
481
00:20:02,119 --> 00:20:03,120
(whistle tweets)
482
00:20:04,663 --> 00:20:05,664
(rumbling)
483
00:20:05,747 --> 00:20:08,458
Those men are
tremendous in stature.
484
00:20:08,542 --> 00:20:10,043
And they're coming
straight at us!
485
00:20:10,127 --> 00:20:11,128
Oh!
486
00:20:11,211 --> 00:20:12,212
(rumbling)
487
00:20:12,296 --> 00:20:14,047
(yelling in fear)
488
00:20:14,131 --> 00:20:16,049
We'll take my carriage.
489
00:20:18,719 --> 00:20:19,720
Oh, crap!
490
00:20:19,803 --> 00:20:22,055
Well, I'm still here,
you bastards,
491
00:20:22,139 --> 00:20:23,765
so let's do this.
492
00:20:26,852 --> 00:20:28,020
(referee whistle)
493
00:20:29,605 --> 00:20:33,317
Oh, hey, Brady, you're gonna gloat
and call me a loser now?
494
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,235
Actually, Peter, you're
not a loser at all.
495
00:20:35,319 --> 00:20:37,404
What you did just now
was pretty ballsy.
496
00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:39,072
-Really?
-Absolutely!
497
00:20:39,156 --> 00:20:43,076
For one guy to stand up
to the entire New England Patriots team,
498
00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:44,745
that's a winner
in my book.
499
00:20:44,828 --> 00:20:47,164
(dinging)
500
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:49,458
Wow. Thanks, Tom Brady.
501
00:20:50,501 --> 00:20:53,128
-Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right?
-Yeah.
502
00:20:53,212 --> 00:20:55,047
-Can you move your legs?
-Yeah!
503
00:20:55,130 --> 00:20:56,298
Oh, good.
504
00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:58,091
I thought you were gonna
be a vegetable,
505
00:20:58,175 --> 00:20:59,551
and I gotta tell you,
Peter,
506
00:20:59,635 --> 00:21:02,262
I-I-I just don't think
I have it in me.
507
00:21:02,346 --> 00:21:04,431
I mean,
if you can't move, it's over.
508
00:21:04,515 --> 00:21:06,308
I love you, too, honey.
509
00:21:06,391 --> 00:21:08,018
Let's go home.
510
00:21:13,273 --> 00:21:14,858
(whack)
511
00:21:19,363 --> 00:21:21,532
(theme music playing)
36599
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