Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

All right, all bets are in.

Ooh, Rupert, bad idea trusting the Celtics.

Worse than when I trusted Brian to pack my parachute.

Hey, Brian, care to place a wager?

Tomorrow night on Fox's Celebrity Boxing,

I've got Carol Channing beating Mike Tyson in three rounds.

Carol Channing.

You've got Carol Channing, the actress,

beating Mike Tyson, the boxer.

Hell, give me $50 on Tyson.

Well, you're in good company.

Betting Freddy took the same wager.

(stutter) Bet!

Wait a minute. There's nothing funny about an addiction.

Vote no on Indian gaming laws.

MALE TV. HOST: And we're back with Fox Celebrity Boxing

with Mike Tyson and Carol Channing.

I tell you, Jim, how Carol Channing outlasted that barrage

in the second round, we'll never know.

(bell dings)

(crowd cheering)

Come here, young man. I'm gonna bop you one.

(crowd cheering)

She's getting beat!

No, she's getting mad.

Ah! You ain't so tough, young man.

That all you got, you son of a bitch?

You're going down, young man.

You're going down!

I can't-- I can't believe this.

She keeps getting up.

I'm so exhausted.

(crowd gasps)

(bell ding)

And the winner, by technical knockout,

weighing in at 67 pounds,

Carol "Put On Your Sunday Clothes" Channing.

-Yeah! -(crowd boo)

Up yours, young people.

You and your rock and roll 8-track tapes!

I don't believe this. I just lost a $50 bet.

You know, Mike Tyson once beat up his wife.

But there's nothing funny about that.

(giggle)

Hi, guys. We're back from the mall.

I got new shoes.

The old ones are in the box. Ha ha ha.

They smell and are old.

Hey, Peter, your 25th high-school reunion is next Sunday.

Throw that away. I don't want to go.

Besides, Sunday's my Internet porn night.

Oh, yeah!

You're my Chinese Lois.

(crickets chirping)

Hey, it's me. Knock, knock.

So, uh, you got, uh-- you got my money?

Huh? Oh, yeah. I'll-- I'll pay you soon.

Yeah, well, um, here's a suggestion.

Um, have the money by tomorrow,

and there won't be any problems.

-Huh? -Yeah, 24 hours.

Why? What--What happens in 24 hours?

Huh? I don't know. (scoffs) I'm not psychic, man.

I'm just saying it would probably be better for everybody

-if you had the money tomorrow. -Yeah, all right.

-I'll see what I can do. -Sweet, sweet. Great.

-How's everything else going? -Good.

All right. All right, see you later.

Don't forget.

No, you're not gonna forget.

Hey, Peter, I was going through your garbage,

and I noticed your high school reunion is coming up.

Why were you going through my garbage?

Well, when I stopped over earlier,

I noticed Lois clipping her toenails,

and I thought, "Oh, man, I got to get in on that."

Huh.

Yeah, I don't think I'm going to my reunion.

Everybody's all got their nice cars,

and their big, important jobs,

and their fancy hats,

and their fresh strawberries

so big you can eat them like a hand fruit.

Peter, everyone lies at those things.

Just tell them you're a big shot.

Wait a second, Joe, that's a great idea.

Boy, imagine what it would be like to be a big shot.

Diego?

Sweaty.

Aaaah.

Thank you.

Stewie, uh, hey.

Hey, there. So, uh, it's been 24 hours.

-Got my money? -Oh, uh, you know what?

Just give me till next Friday. I'll have it for you.

Oh... Oh, that's funny.

I could have sworn I said have it today.

Yeah, I don't have it, sorry.

Oh. Well. All right, then.

Mmm. That's good OJ.

(scream)

-Yeah, that hurt? That hurt? -What the hell?

Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? No?

Oh! Ah! Ow!

Yeah, that's what happens, man.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, that's what happens.

Oh! Ah! Ah!

Where's my money?

You gonna give me my money?

Where's my money, man?

Where's the money?

Ahhh. Ahhh!

Yeah, you like that? That feel good?

That feel good?

(scream)

Where's the money, man? Where's my money?

You've got till 5:00. You hear me?

You got till 5:00.

You freaking psychopath!

Clean yourself up.

(chatter)

Peter, this is ridiculous.

Why can't you just be yourself?

PETER: Lois, just go along with it.

Act like I'm a big shot.

(sigh)

Hey, Peter Griffin, is that you?

Hey, Mike, long time no see.

Wow. What...

-What's all this? -Oh, this? I just came from work.

I'm a secret agent astronaut millionaire.

Cool. Where'd you get the cowboy hat?

Space.

Oh, by the way, this is my friend, Tom.

(gasp) You're Tom Brady from the New England Patriots!

Oh, man, I got to tell you, you kick ass, man.

In fact, I was just saying that the other day

to all the guys down at the brewery.

Brewery? I thought you were a cowboy astronaut millionaire.

He's a fake!

Look, this cowboy hat comes right off.

(laughter)

Coming here was a huge mistake, Lois.

Peter, I know you're humiliated,

but getting drunk is not the answer.

Uh-oh. Either my esophagus just got shorter,

or I'm about to throw up.

CROWD: Hey! Ow! Hey!

(vomiting)

Peter, that was amazing.

I've never seen a guy your size who could move like that.

How would you like to play for the New England Patriots?

PETER: Oh. I'd love to.

Say, listen, uh, Tom,

could you get me a towel?

-I threw up on the floor. -Sure.

And could you also get another towel?

I also threw up on this gentleman's bare lap.

MAN: Could you wet the towel?

PETER: Wet the towel, Tom?

For our top story tonight,

we go live to terrific haircut Bob Costas

as he talks with local man Peter Griffin,

who is living his dream

of playing for the New England Patriots.

-Bob? -Thanks, Tom.

I'm fond of your hair, as well.

I'm standing here with Tom Brady

and his newest teammate, Peter Griffin.

Hey, Ma! Check it out!

I'm married to a pro athlete!

Ha! What do you think of that?

Ha ha ha!

We're really excited to have Peter.

I think he's gonna make a great addition to a great team.

I want to thank God. Uh, I want to thank the Lord God.

Uh, 'cause it's not really up to me. It's up to him.

Um, and I want to thank the devil, too.

Uh, you know, 'cause that's--

uh, that's why God's there.

He's, uh-- He's minding the fence,

making sure that guy never comes back.

Uh...

You know, if it weren't for the devil,

God'd probably go insane,

blow his brains out from boredom, you know?

Everybody likes to feel useful.

Maketh the world go round.

Back to you, Tom.

Diane, didn't your first husband blow his brains out?

Oh, God. (sobs)

Coming up, America's hottest new curse word, "kleeman."

We'll tell you what it means after this.

Boy, Lois, I can't believe this is happening to me.

I'm somebody now, you know?

I-I-I don't have to lie to people about my life any more.

Oh, I am so happy for you, Peter.

What the hell happened to you?

I, uh, fell down the stairs.

Oh, you should be more careful.

All right, I'm ready. Come on, good game.

Good game, everybody. Yeah. Come on, good game.

Let's get out there. Let's do it. Yeah, yeah.

110%, everybody. 110%. Huh?

Come on, let's go. Let's go. Good game!

Ready! Blue 20, blue 20! Hut, hut!

-Griffin, let go! -Let's go?

(crowd cheers)

(gasp)

-Morning. -Good day to you, sir.

Hey, wait a minute. What the hell?

(fearful moan)

Aaaaaa!

Ah! Ow!

Getting real tired of you ducking me, man. Yeah?

-Oh, my God! -Yeah, getting really tired.

Where's my money? Where's my money?

Yeah, you got money to pay for fake mustaches, huh? Yeah.

Yeah, how much you pay for that fake mustache?

$2.99.

(scream)

Listen, you just got to give me more tim-- (scream)

Don't make a fool out of me, man.

Don't make a fool out of me.

I want my money. I want my money, man.

Stewie, listen, this is crazy.

You got... Oh, my God.

(scream)

All right, let's go to the bank.

Well, I got to tell you,

this was a delicious dinner, Mrs. Griffin.

(laughs)

Well, the pleasure is all ours, Mr. Brady.

Please, call me Tom.

(squeals and giggles)

Can I call you Tom, too?

Well, of course.

(squeals and giggles)

Mr. Brady, would you please sign my Trapper Keeper?

Oh, Tom, your shirt. I'm so sorry.

-Look, you can use our shower if you want. -No, it's okay.

It's just a little spot. It'll come out.

Well, that's not gonna come out.

You better take a shower.

(water running)

(drill whirs)

-Mom, let me look! -Meg, stop shoving.

You wouldn't even know what to do with it.

He's closer to my age, you cow.

What the hell is this?

Oh, hi, Stewie.

W-We were just leaving.

I say, what the devil is all the fuss about?

I don't get it. What's in there? Bing, bong! Hello!

Hey. What's going on?

What the hell? Get out of here!

What? We're on the same team. We shower together.

Yeah, in the locker room!

Yeah, yeah, come here, you.

Stop it. Knock it off. What, are you crazy?

We're just a couple of guys messing around.

That's what we are.

Oh, oh, quiet, everybody, my commercial's on.

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin

of the New England Patriots.

I'm here to kick off the Touchdown of Savings weekend

at Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru.

We will blitz the competition,

and in no time,

you'll be driving your new Hyundai or Subaru

right to a touchdown.

PETER:At Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru

We have Hyundais and Subarus

Mom, the game's about to start. Where's Dad?

I don't know, Chris. And I'm starting to get worried.

I think all this success might be going to his head.

Do you know he spent $30,000 on a wax sculpture

of Harriet Tubman doing Gwyneth Paltrow?

Yeah. Yeah, that is happening for real.

Yeah.

I'll enjoy that more tomorrow.

Where the hell is Griffin?

It's almost time for kickoff.

Well, I guess we have to start without him.

What do you think, huh? I got this for doing that car dealership ad.

All right, enough messing around. Huh? Let's play this game.

Let's play some football.

Griffin, I'm getting really tired of your cocky attitude.

How many times have I told you, no showboating?

Relax, Tom, I'm just having a little fun.

I got it under control.

Okay, 28-Z right, pitch left,

on one, on one. Ready? Break!

Ready, green 54! Green 54! Set, hut, hut!

Yeah!

Huh. There might be some hope for this guy after all.

Yeah.

Damn it, Griffin! I said no showboating!

This calls for a victory tune!

(showtune jazz playing)

Now a woman who'll kiss on a very first date

Is usually a hussy

And a woman who'll kiss on the second time out

Is anything but fussy

But a woman who'll wait till the third time around

Head in the clouds, feet on the ground

She's the girl he's glad he's found

She's his shipoopi

Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi

CROWD: The girl who's hard to get

Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi

CHEERLEADERS: But you can win her yet

Walk around once, just to raise the curtain

Walk around twice and you're made for certain

Once more in the flower garden

She will never get sore if you beg her pardon

Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, si, do

si, la, so, fa, mi, re, do

Squeeze her once when she isn't looking

Get a squeeze back, that's fancy cooking

Once more for a pepper upper

She will never get sore on the way to supper

Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, si, do, si, do

Now little old Sal was a no-gal as anyone could see

Look at her now, she's a go-gal who only goes for me

Squeeze her once when she isn't looking

Get a squeeze back, that's fancy cooking

Once more for a pepper upper

She will never get sore on the way to supper

Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, si, do, si, do

Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi

CROWD: The girl who's hard to get

Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi

CHEERLEADERS: But you can win her yet

(showtune jazz)

No! No!

ALL: Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi

The girl who's hard to get

Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi

But you can win her yet

(emphatically) You can win her

Yet

Shipoopi!

All right. I made a touchdown.

Griffin, you're fired!

For what?

We've had it with your crap.

I talked to the coach,

and he's selling your contract to another team.

And the only one that'll take

you is the worst football team in Europe,

the London Silly Nannies.

So, Brian, we're even now, right?

Ready to start a new life in England.

I've got my money. Your wounds have healed up nicely.

What do you say we let bygones be bygones? Hmm?

You shot me in both my knees,

then lit me on fire. Piss off.

All right, all right. I tell you what,

you get one free revenge shot at me.

Okay. But I'm not gonna tell you when it's coming.

-(grunts) -(screams)

-(grunts) -(screams)

Ah, this is gonna be fun.

Peter, this is crazy.

Isn't there any way the Patriots could let you back on the team?

No, they said the decision was final.

It's all right, Lois. I can make the best of this.

I mean, a British football team can't be that bad.

Uh, excuse me. Hey, there. Hi.

I'm, uh, Peter Griffin. I'm your new player.

Oh, yes, Peter. Welcome to the Silly Nannies.

I'm the quarterback, Lesley.

This is our team.

(showtune music playing)

If you'll marry me

I'll dig for you and rake for you

If you'll marry me

I'll scrub for you and bake for you

If you'll marry me

All others I'll forsake for you

All this will I do if you'll marry me

All this will I do if you'll marry me

Oh, crap.

Well, I guess living in a London flat

isn't gonna be too bad, huh?

Mom, there's no water in the toilet.

First of all, Chris, it's called a loo.

Second, there's no water in it,

because everybody here just uses Elizabeth Hurley.

All right, well, where is she?

'Cause I need her now!

MALE TV HOST: You're watching BBC FOUR.

Previously on Condensation.

Ellen, there's moisture

on the outside of my glass.

It's condensation, Johnny.

But what about the fog on the windows?

It's not fog, Johnny.

It, too, is called condensation.

"Con-den-sation." (echoes)

Hey, Peter, how was your first

Silly Nannies practice?

It sucked, Lois.

Those Silly Nannies are just a bunch of losers.

Pack your bags. We're going home.

What, you're just giving up?

Look, Peter, I know you're upset

because you blew your opportunity

with the Patriots.

But this is your chance to redeem yourself.

Now, I bet if you really tried,

you could turn that team around.

You know what, Lois?

When you were talking about that sale at TJ Maxx just now,

I came up with an idea.

I am going to turn that team around.

And we'll challenge the Patriots

to a game, and we'll kick their ass!

Oh, man, what an attractive woman.

-(phone rings) -Hello?

Hey, Brady, you're dead!

Listen, Leno, you keep calling here and threatening me,

I'm gonna notify the police.

Leno? No, no, this is Peter Griffin.

I'm calling to challenge you to a grudge match

between the Patriots

and the London Silly Nannies.

Huh. Well, Griffin, if you want to embarrass yourself, be my guest.

Good. What do you say, England? Two weeks from now?

See you there.

-(phone rings) -Hello?

Hey, Brady! What kind of suit

do you want to be buried in? Ha ha ha.

Oh, you kids are gonna love this.

England has such a rich heritage of great theater.

(polite applause)

Cramsat on the bingum with the gam gum?

Treaches on the upper with the trang sang.

(laughter)

Croppers to you, you crang sang lover.

CROWD: Ooooh!

A-ha ha ha!

She rogered the boogley!

Ha ha ha!

All right, now listen up,

you limey bum sniffers.

If we're gonna beat the New England Patriots next week,

I got to toughen you up.

So you're gonna get in shape

the way American athletes do,

by taking steroids.

I say, Jenkins,

you give me that dirty look one more time,

and I've a good mind to get into my PJ's

and have a pillow fight with you.

Very well, then. En garde!

(clamoring)

-I like your gown. -I like yours.

Aaaaagh! When's the beating gonna come, Brian?

Just tell me when it's gonna come!

Just do something, anything!

Look, look, I-I'll do it. I'll do it first.

Look, look, I'll do it even worse.

Oh, oh! Look how hurt I am.

(laughing anxiously) We're even now!

You're going down, Brady!

You're the one who's going down, Griffin!

Ow! What the hell?

Ha ha ha ha.

(whistle tweets)

(rumbling)

Those men are tremendous in stature.

And they're coming straight at us!

Oh!

(rumbling)

(yelling in fear)

We'll take my carriage.

Oh, crap!

Well, I'm still here, you bastards,

so let's do this.

(referee whistle)

Oh, hey, Brady, you're gonna gloat and call me a loser now?

Actually, Peter, you're not a loser at all.

What you did just now was pretty ballsy.

-Really? -Absolutely!

For one guy to stand up to the entire New England Patriots team,

that's a winner in my book.

(dinging)

Wow. Thanks, Tom Brady.

-Peter! Oh, my God, are you all right? -Yeah.

-Can you move your legs? -Yeah!

Oh, good.

I thought you were gonna be a vegetable,

and I gotta tell you, Peter,

I-I-I just don't think I have it in me.

I mean, if you can't move, it's over.

I love you, too, honey.

Let's go home.

(whack)

(theme music playing)