Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam...ily... Guy

(ringing)

Hey, how'd you sleep, Peter?

Uh, Brian, last night I had this crazy dream.

I was eatin' a sheep and now my pillow's gone.

Oh, wait. Here it is.

What the hell was I eatin'?

(bleating)

Oh, sorry.

(Darth Vader theme playing)

See you, Lois.

Oh, and like I tell you every day,

if I come back in the middle of the afternoon

and you're having sex with somebody, I'll kill you both.

Huh, "Thanks to effective treatments,

Magic Johnson down to one AID."

Oh, God, did I hit that deaf kid again?

They ought to put a bell on that guy.

The nurse says Brian won't be out of surgery

for another three hours.

Oh, I hope he's gonna be okay.

Me, too.

I know we're not here to place blame or beat ourselves up,

but I can't help feelin' like this is somehow Meg's fault.

Oh, I just can't stand the thought of losin' Brian.

Oh, if he dies, I'm gonna have to start

hanging out with The Rock again.

ANNOUNCER: One's a baby,

and the other's... black, I think.

At least part black.

Or Hispanic.

I think, you know, possibly, there's some Filipino in there.

Yeah, possibly some Filipino.

I mean, if he-- if he's black, it's definitely diluted.

I mean, one of his parents must be white.

What the hell is Jessica Alba, for that matter?

If I were 40 years younger,

I would plow that 'til next July.

All right, class, today as a special treat, I'm going to show you this

fascinating episode of NOVA that I taped at home for you.

You comin' back to bed, Rob?

Uh, hang on, honey. Hang on.

My jaw keeps locking up.

Oh, well, that's not NOVA at all, is it?

That's a sex tape I made with my wife.

Of course, nobody here is interested in seeing that sort of thing.

Are they? Probably not. No. Okay.

Oh, you kind of looked like you were nodding? Nope?

Okay. Okay, we should get back to work.

Uh, all right, next up, does everyone have a lab partner?

-I don't. -Me, neither.

She can be my partner.

Sarah, that's very irresponsible.

Meg is awful.

-You want to be my lab partner? -Really?

Sure, you seem nice.

Hey, do you want to join my after-school club?

Sure.

Now, open your books to page--

You know what? Look, I'm sorry.

Can I just go ahead and show this video of me doing my wife?

Here we are, Brian, safe and sound.

Peter, I don't need to be in a wheelchair.

Now, now, no arguments, Brian.

I already went through the trouble of borrowing this ramp from Joe.

I'll see you, honey. I'll be back in a--

(screaming)

Joe, are you all right?

Don't help me up. I need to retain my independence.

(crickets chirping)

-You need anything from the market? -PowerBar!

What's wrong, Brian?

You've just been sittin' on the couch

ever since you got back from the hospital.

You need to get out of the house.

I don't know, Lois. I'm a little depressed.

The accident got me thinkin' about how uncertain life is

and how suddenly it can be taken away.

Oh, you're gonna feel back to normal in no time.

Here, have some food.

(muffled) I'm not hungry.

Here comes the gravy.

(coughing)

You messy beast.

Well, hello there, Meg.

Um, Neil, I really can't be seen talking to you anymore.

I have friends now, and some of them, very popular.

I know. I heard Sarah is your lab partner.

All those years of you rejecting me finally made sense.

What do you mean?

Oh, my God!

(sighing)

Meg! There you are.

Hey, everybody, this is our newest member, Meg.

Hi, Meg. What's up?

Hi, you gays-- guys-- girls.

Ugh, look, listen, Sarah, I can't be in your club.

I'm not a lesbian.

You can't be serious. We had a whole party planned for you.

Really? A party, for me?

-But I guess if you're not a lesbian... -Wait, wait.

You didn't let me finish. I'm not a lesbian.

I'm a super, huge mega-lesbian.

Oh, good. You'll fit in with the other mega-lesbians.

My heart's on fire

Elvira

Giddy up

Ba-oom bop, ba-oom bop ba mow mow

Giddy up

Ba-oom bop, ba-oom bop ba mow mow

Wow! I feel so socially accepted.

Hey, do you have any other friends

you want to invite to your party?

Uh, no. Most of my friends... are out of town.

Oh, this is gonna be great!

We'll stay up late, trade stories.

(gasps)

Ooh, let's watch the video of my ballet recital.

Here it is!

(gasping)

Sunshine Bear. Wait!

(truck honking)

(gasping)

(music playing)

Hey, how's it goin'? Good.

Oh, those are huge.

Those are huge boobs.

And you know what's nice?

That-- That you don't have that blue vein up there

that some of the bigger ones get.

What? I said you don't have that.

Hey, buddy, you're not looking so good.

Who cares how I look? Nothing matters.

We-- We could all die tomorrow, every one of us.

Well, isn't that a damn good reason to live it up today?

Come on, it can't possibly be that simple.

Excuse me. I've got a thing to do.

All right, ladies and gentlemen,

we have a very special guest tonight.

Please welcome the Member of the Board, Frank Sinatra Jr.

Love is lovelier

The second time around

Just as wonderful

With both feet on the ground

Who can say

What brought us to this miracle we've found

There are those who'd bet

Love comes but once and yet

I'm oh so glad we met

The second time around

All this singing is contagious.

I'll sing, too.

Adam West

Adam West

A little bit softer now.

Adam West

Adam West

Adam West, Adam West

I'll come out when they're all gone.

Wow, Brian, you actually got to sing with Frank Sinatra Jr.?

Oh, it was amazing.

I-- I got to tell you, he said some things

that were exactly what I needed to hear,

and I-- I was just inspired to get up on that stage.

Got to live life for today, you know?

Uh, Brian, don't you think it's a little too early to be hittin' the booze?

Hey, what's the point of waiting?

You got to live life while you can and live it hard.

Oh, the Chris Farley method, that's good.

Frank invited me back this evening.

I tell you, I feel more exhilarated than Peter did

when he swam with the bulls.

(classical music playing)

(crowd applauding)

Oh, yeah, that's fair. No, that's totally a fair score.

You know, Brian, when you wear that suit,

it looks like you're taking a white poop.

But it's stuck.

Look, Lois asked me to baby-sit you,

so just stay here and be quiet.

I'll be back after my first set.

What the hell am I supposed to do to kill time?

Oh, maybe I'll play 52 Pickup.

Ugh, this game's better if there's someone else here.

'Cause then they can say, "Oh, I'm not gonna pick up those cards."

And then-- then I say, "You have to, it's 52 Pickup."

And they say, "Well, what if I just leave them there?"

And I say, "Those are my father's cards.

"You can't just leave them there.

"He's gonna be mad."

Where am I?

I don't care if the sun don't shine

I do my drinking in the evening time

When I'm

In Rhode Island

(scatting)

Get out of here.

You can sit in the sun and camp

But I get my color from a sun ray lamp

When I'm

In Rhode Island

Whoa. Easy, kid. These people paid good money to get in here.

Oh, yeah? How much are you charging them to get out?

(rim shot)

(laughing hysterically)

We go together There's no mistake

Like a bowl of chowder and a big clam cake

And we love

Rhode Island

(crowd cheering)

That was sensational.

We're gonna be the biggest thing since Edison harnessed electricity.

Look at Edison over there with his damn electricity.

Hey, Edison, how about sharing some of those light bulbs, huh?

Hey, figure it out for yourself, man.

We're freezing our asses off over here.

Hey, man, how do you think I feel, you know?

You-- You get to look at my great house.

I get to look at that dark thing, huh?

What-- what is that, a candle over there? Oh, that's pretty sweet.

Yeah, it's a candl-- We-- We're freezing over here.

No one in my family's taken a bath in a month. We stink.

It stinks over here, you jerk.

I can't hear you over my central heating.

Hey, why don't you go to hell, Edison.

Hey, bite me, man.

Hey, you guys seen The Office?

Oh, no, I guess you haven't, 'cause you don't have a TV.

Hey, how about I come over there and kick your ass?

Oooh, yeah, come on over.

( Foxy Lady playing)

Foxy

What is this, Lois?

It's jambalaya. It's a new recipe.

(grunting)

Peter.

-(whining) -Eat your food, mister.

(whining)

All right, if you don't want it, put it in your napkin.

-(whining) -Peter,

put it in your napkin! Put it in your--

-(whining) -I'm not gonna--

-(whining) -Pet-- (sighs)

You know, some people would be very happy to have this food.

Like John Goodman's family.

Please, Daddy.

I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left.

There won't be any left.

There's never any left.

(gasping)

Happy Thanksgiving.

(chuckling softly)

Mom, why is the cable guy here?

It's me, you guys, and I have something to tell you all.

Mom. Dad. I am a lesbian.

That is awesome. Peter.

Meg, you are not a lesbian.

You know, I don't care what you guys think.

All my new lesbian friends accept me, and that's all that matters.

Meg, you're my daughter.

I would accept you if you were gay

or blind or retarded, but you're not.

You guys don't care about me and my struggle!

I hate you!

Oh, Meg, I think you're just trying to fit in

by pretending to be something you're not.

Like the time Peter pretended to be racist to get out of jury duty.

Awful lot of honkies in here.

(inaudible)

(inaudible)

(inaudible)

(retching)

Brian, there you are.

Do you have any idea what time it is?

Stewie was supposed to be in bed two hours ago.

Oh, yeah, he, uh... He's, um, he's--

He was right here, right next to me like, four hours ago.

What? Brian, you were supposed to watch him!

(gasping) Oh, my little sweetie!

Hey, Brian, remember me?

I'm the guy you left standing at the counter

at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers.

You know, it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um,

a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um,

oh, here's where the story gets fun.

Uh, you may have noticed I'm missing an ear.

Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth

and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven.

So, when you're ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.

Ugh, Brian, this is inexcusable.

Yeah, what if somethin' had happened to Stewie?

My ear's in a cup, I guess that doesn't count.

Hey, hey, I'm not the kid's baby-sitter, all right?

I have my own life to live.

You know, this is all because you've been hangin' out with that Frank Sinatra Jr.

I am gonna call his mother Mia Farrow

and give her a piece of my mind.

And you are gonna stop singin' at that crazy club.

Operator, Mia Farrow, please.

You stay out of my life!

(growling)

(screaming)

What the hell is happenin' to you?

Yeah, uh, don't worry, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything.

I'll just use this Mr. Potato Head piece.

He bit me, Lois. The bastard bit me.

Oh, honey, I'm sure he didn't mean it.

Brian's going through some heavy stuff right now.

He almost died.

Listen, Peter, I--

I just want to apologi-- (grunts)

You know what? Forget it.

(stammering) I don't need this. I'm out of here.

(sighing) Look what you did, Peter.

I can't help it. I haven't been this scared

since I was mugged by Gene Shalit.

Don't Panic Room.

I'm not going to William Hurt you.

I only want your Tango & Cash.

So just Pay It Forward

and we'll all be Happy Gilmore.

What?

So, how's my suddenly lesbian daughter doin'?

Great. We're checking out naked girls.

I am so into girls.

Oh, come on, Meg, you can stop the charade.

My God, you're as transparent as your father was

when he pretended to be a Hasidic Jew to get off work.

Good morning, Hebrews and shebrews.

What a glorious Jewish day.

Hey, how about all those coupons in the Sunday paper, huh?

Some good deals there.

Hey, you know, I went into a store last week

and they wanted $800 for a TV,

but I us'ed them down to $500.

(screaming)

It's not a charade, Mom. I am a lesbian.

What do I have to do to prove this to you?

Well, maybe if I'd seen you kiss your girlfriend.

Fine.

What was that?

What is she, your grandmother?

(scoffs) That's no kiss. Watch this.

(moaning)

Look, I can't tell you how to lead your life.

If you don't want to face the truth,

there's nothin' I can do about it.

Chris, I'm all out of digital audio tape.

Oh, he's gone.

Oh, hey, can I get you guys to sign these release forms?

Oh, where the hell is Brian?

I don't know, but I better go find him.

We can't sit here watching infomercials all night.

Hello. How come I rich and you not?

How come you not sell real estate like I do?

How come I sleep with your wife while you at work,

and then I pee in your toilet and don't flush?

And sometimes I open the back part

and I pee in there, so that when you flush pee come out.

You know why? Because I'm smart.

I'm smart, you stupid. Call now.

Brian! Brian!

Brian! Bria--

Ugh, who am I kidding?

All those buttons, I'll look like Steve Harvey.

Brian!

Yeah, I'll ask the cashier if I can put this up in the window.

I definitely need a breath freshener.

Ooh, but that's going to give me 11 items.

-That's fine. -No, no, no.

Rules is rules.

Let's see what I'm gonna put back.

Okay, I need the Reynolds Wrap and the bathroom tissue.

I could do without the Triscuits, but they sure are good.

(sighs)

7-Up's the whole reason I came down here in the first place.

You know what?

I'm not gonna need the V8,

'cause I can just get some tomato juice

at the mini-mart down the street.

It's a little more expensive, but that's okay.

I like to help out a small business.

I hope it's okay if I pay you in pennies.

Oh, God, a gutter? How cliche.

I don't know what went wrong.

I was just trying to live for the moment, you know?

Because life can end so abruptly

and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

Is that why you've been on this path to self-destruction?

You know, Brian, as smart as you are,

you've got to accept the fact that

there are some things in life that you just can't control.

You mean the way-- the way you can't control that messed up way

that you laugh when-- when you think

something's really, really funny?

WOMAN (on TV): Well, Hope, I don't understand why

these cookies are giving us all the fits.

HOPE: Well, no wonder, Faith.

That's not baking powder.

It's sneezing powder.

(laughing ridiculously)

But, I already brought a whole batch to the church bake sale.

(laughing ridiculously)

No wonder that priest kept saying, "Bless you."

(laughing ridiculously)

Yes, and I accept that.

Your problem is, you think that

just because you're not in control,

nothing matters. That-- That you don't matter.

But you know what?

You matter to someone.

(hoarse voice) You matter big time.

Hey, Meg. What are you doing here?

Listen, Sarah, I got to get something off my chest.

Yes!

I need to open up.

Sweet.

So get ready 'cause here it is.

My mom was right.

What do you mean?

I'm not gay.

What?

So, all those rounds of golf we played, those were all lies?

I'm so sorry.

For the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged,

and I wanted it to be true.

So I pretended to be something I'm not.

You're going to choose to be heterosexual?

I thought being gay wasn't a choice.

Well, not for guys.

It was wrong of me to mislead you.

I should go.

That was awful. That was just awful.

What do you think, Mark?

I don't know, man. We didn't get the shots we need.

Man, what do you think, Mike?

I mean, if you saw action goin' on in front of you,

would you know instinctively to center it in front of you?

I don't know. Could someone take

my soda out of the icebox please,

so it doesn't freeze?

(orchestra playing)

(applause)

How I love a girl who's flawless

Even better when she's braless

But the thing that tops it all is when we swing

And how I love a glass of Jack

Or anything with Robert Stack

But the gals we romance

Can't stay out of our pants

When we swing

Yesterday had got me feeling kind of blue

So you left and we replaced you with a Jew

-Lady! -You're fired.

Oy!

We love it when the ladies squeeze us

That's an easy way to please us

But we feel like freaking Jesus

When we swing

I love the work of Allen Funt

Or a nicely shaven leg

But nothing compares to the feeling that we get

No, nothing compares to the feeling we get

When we swing

(all cheering)

Frank, there you are.

Mia Farrow?

What's this I hear about you up all night with a baby and a dog?

Oh, leave me alone.

Get over here, young man.

Oh, damn it all.

-FRANK JR.: It seems today -that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy