Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam...ily... Guy

ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Adventures of Aquaman.

(sonar hum)

Yeah?

Hey, uh, can you, uh, grab me another beer?

Uh, yeah. Anything else? Maybe, you know, TV Guide,

you know, another-- another pillow for your feet or something?

No. Actually-- actually, you know what? Get me, like, a...

Get me, like, a Dewar's and soda, and, uh,

you know, try to keep the saltwater out of it, if you could.

-(stammering) Try to keep the saltwater... -Yeah.

W-We're surrounded by saltwater, you know. It's kind of difficult.

I know. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, try.

Yeah, okay, I'll try. You want me to wipe your ass, too?

Oh, wow, that's a helpful tone.

I'm just saying, you're kind of abusing your powers a little bit,

-don't you think? -Actually--Actually...

This is all time that could be spent getting me my beverage.

Hey, what are you guys doin'?

We got to get ready for your grandpa's 80th birthday dinner.

Peter, calm down. He's just your father.

Yeah, but I love him.

His folksy racism, his I-don't-care-where-I-am flatulence.

And the way it always seems like he's chewin',

even when there's no food in there.

(doorbell ring)

Hi-ya, Dad.

Francis, it's so good to see you.

Lois, you haven't changed a bit, you lyin' bitch.

Ha ha ha. Francis, why don't you come into the dining room, huh?

The table's all set for your birthday dinner.

Uh, Lois, actually, Dad said he would prefer it if you did not join us,

uh, you know, you bein' a Protestant and all. Um...

He said it's okay if you sit at the kid's table.

Peter, I cooked the damn dinner.

Ah! You know, I knew you were going to react like this,

and that's why I brought Bill Lumbergh to explain it to you.

Yeah, I'm gonna need you to go ahead

and not complain about this.

Oh, and if you could go ahead and sit at the kids' table,

that'd be great.

I'm just saying, '70s boobs were different. I don't know.

You know, it wouldn't kill you to contribute to the conversation.

Dad, tell us about World War I

and how America defeated Kaiser Permanente.

Lois, when are you going to get that baby baptized?

Oh, God, not this again.

Francis, why the hell is this always an issue with you?

Because I love this family

and I don't want my grandson to burn in hell.

I love you, Grandpa.

Your toenails are the same color as my school bus.

He... You really think that

splashing magic water on Stewie will keep him out of hell?

Watch that kind of talk or you'll get your heathen head smacked.

Oh, that's very Christian.

"Believe what I say or I'll hurt you."

Now you're gettin' it.

Peter, we have a problem.

Hey, hang on, Lois. I'm watchin' a movie.

-ANNOUNCER: And now back to -Jaws V: Fire Island.

You think we should be this far out?

Stop worrying, Mark. We'll be fine.

Hey, I'm gonna eat you all.

I'm gonna eat that hairy leg.

I'm gonna eat that one, too.

Oh, I can see right up them shorts.

I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with.

(singing Jaws music)

Oh, now wait a minute.

I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today.

It's okay, though. I've been swimmin' a lot lately.

Mmm. Yummy. Mmm.

Peter, your father won't let up

about Stewie getting baptized.

I am sick of him

always tryin' to force his religious views on us.

All right, I'll talk to him, Lois, but, uh,

you know, when my father wants somethin',

it's like sex with Kobe Bryant.

You can kick and scream all you want,

but it's--it's gonna happen.

Dad, what are you doin'?

There's no cross in here.

Every kitchen needs a crucifix.

Listen, Dad, I--I gotta talk to you. Um...

Lois was wonderin' if maybe you could, uh,

I don't know, ease up on the whole, uh,

you know, Jesus-ay Christ-ay, if you catch my drift.

You're a lapsed Catholic, Peter.

Your wife's a Protestant whore

and your baby isn't even baptized.

All right, all right, look, Dad...

I--I don't want you to hate me, all right?

So I'll make a deal with you.

If we get Stewie baptized,

you and all other old people

have to acknowledge and be aware

that there's crap in the corners of your mouth.

I'll think about it. Now let's go.

Old people are gross, no matter how cute

-they try to make them look on -Desperate Housewives.

Go ahead. Switch over to ABC for five seconds.

I'll wait. I'll wait five seconds.

Oh, my God, did you see?

Did you see how old and ugly they are?

Oh, my God, that redhead looks like

somebody pulled Silly Putty over their knee.

I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin, but I can't baptize little Stewie today.

It turns out our last shipment of holy water is tainted.

Tainted? Holy water? How did that happen?

(toilet flushing)

We'll call you when we get a new shipment in.

There's no such thing as tainted holy water.

Come on. We'll do it ourselves.

Stewie Griffin, I baptize you

in the name of the Father, the Son

-and the Holy Ghost. -And Space Ghost.

What are you doing? Oh, my God!

This is almost as bad as my bath with Kathy Bates.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna get out.

(moaning)

Stewie, you don't look so good.

Oh, baby, you're burnin' up!

Oh, my God! Stewie, Stewie, speak to me!

Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor.

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I've examined your son

and he is suffering from a temporary toxic anemia

which has substantially weakened his immune system.

Is he gonna die?

No, but he's highly vulnerable to infection

and must be quarantined in a germ-free plastic environment.

My God, you mean like John Travolta in that movie?

Oh, no, you're gonna take his face off, like in Face/Off?

Well, it looks like the operation was a success.

Do you know what the best part of this is?

Try licking yourself.

You bastard!

-Peter, he meant The Boy in the -Plastic Bubble.

How could this have happened?

It's obvious to me that Stewie's been exposed to tainted holy water.

Peter, you had Stewie baptized behind my back?

Come on, honey. This is no worse

than when I rented out your uterus

to those inner city immigrants.

(Latin dance music)

(gunshots)

(tires screeching)

Peter, you're a complete slave to your father's religion.

What about your religious beliefs, huh?

You have a choice, you know.

-I do? -Of course.

You're a grown man. You can pick any religion you want.

Really? Hah!

You know, Lois, maybe you're right.

Maybe I should pick my own religion.

The question is, which one?

I'll tell you what you can pick. A tune out on that piano.

Fatty's in a little jam, dead girl, dead girl

Fatty's in a lit...

Oh, now how the whiz-bang does the rest of it go?

Quick! Make something up!

(jaunty tune)

Peter, what are all these women doin' in our livin' room?

Lois, I took your advice and picked a new religion.

I'm gonna be a Mormon.

A Mormon? Are you sure?

Come on. Nailin' a different wife every night?

That's a no-brainer.

Oh, Lois, this is Kimmy, the checkout girl from the Korean market.

Uh, Nancy, our postal carrier.

And you know Tiffany, the filthy woman

who stands downtown and screams at traffic.

I ate a tube of Crest for dinner!

Isn't she funny?

She's definitely the Kramer of my Mormon wives.

Nancy, get me a beer.

Uh, Mormons aren't allowed to drink alcohol.

Peter, did you just throw those women away?

No. Maybe.

Also in the news, some trouble at St. Phillips Church.

That's right, Diane. A shipment of tainted holy water

could put some local babies in jeopardy.

Sounds dangerous, Tom.

Be careful next time you're at confession telling the priest

about cheating on your wife with that Filipino drag queen.

Well, at least you're in no danger, Diane,

since you only visit church to leave your self-delivered,

unwashed, half-dead newborns on the back step.

Coming up, how to turn your unwanted change into foldin' money.

You know, it's kind of sad seeing Stewie in that plastic bubble.

I think he looks like a bunny.

Oh, that's it, Chris, keep laughing.

When I get out of here, you're going to get it.

I'll lull you into a false sense of security

like those network television announcers.

CHIRPY ANNOUNCER: Tonight on an all-new Mama's Family,

Mama's got more than she can handle with the in-laws in town.

DRAMATIC ANNOUNCER: Then, a deadly fire could spell death

for a honeymoon couple on an all-new Hotel.

Tonight on Newhart, the stockings are stuffed with comedy

when Bob has to play Santa Claus.

Then, a sniper's bullet threatens a partnership

on an all-new Cagney and Lacey.

-Tonight on a laugh-out-loud -Night Court,

love is in the air when Judge Harry's

old high-school flame comes to town.

Then, a child's death could mean the case of Arnie Becker's life

on an all-new L.A. Law.

That's Night Court at 8:00.

L.A. Law at 9:00.

Now remember, kids, don't touch Stewie.

He's not allowed to have any human contact.

(phone rings)

Hey, finish the job, idiot!

For God's sakes, there's no ventilation!

It smells like Brian Dennehy in here!

I see London, I see France,

I see Stewie's unsightly chapped ass.

Hey, Gay-beau, I'm up here. Up here.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, my name's Peter.

I'm a Jehovah's Witness, here to spread the good news

of the story of Jesus Christ.

Okay, go ahead.

Really?

Wow. Um...

Boy, you're the, uh, first person who didn't, uh, slam the door on me.

Uh, okay, um, well,

uh, Jesus, uh, was a miracle worker, of sorts.

Um, he would travel from place to place,

putting things right that once went wrong

and hoping each time that his next leap

would be the leap home.

( Quantum Leap whooshing noise)

Mmm.

What do you think you're doin' with my wife?

Oh, boy.

( Quantum Leap music)

The pathway to enlightenment

starts with an unfettered, focused mind.

(exclaiming) Look out!

What are you doing?

Oh? I thought that dot on your head was from a sniper rifle.

Peter, this spot is a sacred adornment.

It's a portal, an opening through which

all light, goodness, rejuvenation, joy and ecstasy

may enter the human form.

-A vagina? -Get out.

Hey, Stewie, 3:00. Time for The View.

No! No, no! Not again!

(chickens clucking)

Let me out of here! I can't watch another second!

Relax, Stewie. The doctor gave me this

so you can get some exercise.

Boy, Stewie's more wound up

than Dad was that time he took steroids.

Peter, could you please pass the potatoes?

(scream)

Damn it, Meg!

ANNOUNCER: And now, back to Happy Days.

Ah, that Fonzie is magic.

I love the way he hits the jukebox to make it work.

What is it, Mr. C?

Fonz, I--I wanted to pleasure Marion for our anniversary,

but, as you know, I have erectile dysfunction.

Oh, there we go.

Thank you, Arthur.

Eh!

Brian, will you carry me upstairs?

I want to look at my toys.

No. I'm watching television.

Come on, I'm sick.

All right. Come here.

Oh, Todd,

I feel like we'll never have a baby of our own!

We will, Kelly.

You just have to visualize it.

Come on, close your eyes.

Picture a happy, healthy baby boy at play.

Now put him in a magic bubble

and release him to the universe.

(Stewie screaming)

Uh, honey, now I want you to visualize Lindsay Lohan,

only, naked and doing a backwards crab-walk.

-What? -Just do this for me!

Ah, Peter! Where have you been, lad?

Well, Dad, I was trying to find my own religion,

but it didn't work out.

I haven't been this disappointed

since I lost my virginity.

(crowd cheering)

Ah! Uh-oh.

You want to get some breakfast or somethin'?

You want to find religion,

all you got to do is look in your heart.

Who's always been there for you,

offerin' wisdom and truth?

You've known him all along, Son.

Now worship him!

Oh, my God! Dad's right!

There is only one person

and it's time for him to be properly worshiped.

I, Peter Griffin, hereby establish

the First United Church of the Fonz.

Fonzie, if this be your will, give me a sign.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan.

This is how a crab walks.

It sure is! Fonzie be praised!

All right, Dad.

Two days ago, this was an old barn.

And now, thanks to you, it's an old barn with a sign on it.

All things are possible

through the Lord God, Arthur Fonzarelli, son.

So, you're really going through with this?

Absolutely. You know this place only cost me $100?

That's a better deal than that Aaron Neville megaphone I bought.

Okay, I wanna thank you guys

for making me Activity Director for the day.

Okay, first of all, can every...

...body...

What the hell?

What the hell's wrong with this thing?

Uh, okay, uh,

we're about to start the...

...sack race

Peter, it's not a good idea

to be puttin' these flyers all over town.

People are gonna think you're crazy.

Hey, how'd you like to lose a bunch of teeth?

I'm sorry, Lois,

that was way more than what was called for,

but that's what happens when you challenge someone's faith.

Oh, Peter, I know this is important to you,

but I don't wanna see you humiliated.

I don't think anyone's

gonna wanna worship the Fonz.

Is this the Church of the Fonz?

Yes, it is.

I read your flier.

Finally, a religion that makes sense to me.

Hey, everyone. I found him. Over here.

(clamoring)

Oh, there you are.

You would not believe the morning I've had!

(machine revving up)

(funky '70s music)

One, two, three, four, five, six,seven, eight

nine, ten, eleven, twelve

One, two, three, four, five, six,seven, eight

nine, ten, eleven, twelve

Twelve!

(church organ music)

What in blazes is this?

I thought you said we were going to church.

This is church, Francis, a new church,

created by a man who was brave enough

to follow his own vision.

Please rise.

Now sit on it.

The Fonz be with you.

And also with you.

Let us "Eh."

"Eh."

Wow, I can't believe people are actually buying this.

Hey, Fonzie's cool, Brian.

You see, deep down,

I think we all secretly yearn

to be Italian and stupid.

A reading from the letters of Potsie

to the Tuscaderos.

Yea, and did Fonzie downstairs cometh

from his apartment above the garage.

And sayeth he,

"Reassembleth will I the pieces of my motorcycle,

"though I suffereth from temporary blindness.

"And yea, for I am holy, befriendeth I will Sticks Downey,

the only Negro in the state of Wisconsin." Amen.

CONGREGATION: Amen.

(sniffing)

Brian, what's that smell?

Black spray paint.

What were you painting?

STEWIE: Oh, you think you're sooo funny!

Well, as soon as I figure out where I am, you're dead, Brian!

(screaming)

Damn it, I haven't been this dizzy since I did those helium whippets

at that birthday party.

Okay, okay, ready? Here goes.

(in high voice) I'm a female. I have a high voice.

I have reproductive organs inside of me.

And I buy groceries.

Peter, your religion is an abomination.

I never thought you could ever embarrass me more in a church

than you did at your cousin Mary's wedding.

And if anyone knows of any reason

why these two should not be married,

let him speak now.

Really?

Nobody's gonna speak up?

I'm the one who's gonna have to say it?

(sigh) All right.

Genital warts.

But, Dad, you're the one who said

I should look into my heart

to find my religion.

Yes. Real religion.

What I saw today wasn't religion.

It was just a bunch of sheep, singing songs

and listening to ridiculous tall tales.

Actually, that is religion.

Shut your trap, Brian.

STEWIE: Hah! You tell him.

Why? I agree with you. All Peter's done

is found another way to exploit people's ignorance,

and that's just wrong.

You think I'm wro...

(stammering)

See, Brian, that's a word the Fonz can't say,

because all is right when you welcome Fonzie into your life.

Fonzie be with you.

I ought to take off my belt

and slap the crap out of him.

Look, Francis. I don't like you and you don't like me.

But I suggest we set aside our differences

and work together.

I have an idea of how to snap Peter out of this.

Work together? You and me?

Sure, sometimes opposites work well together.

In fact, Peter taught me that.

Two steps forward

I take two steps back

We come together

'Cause I'm dressed like a cat

And you know it ain't fiction

Just a natural fact

We come together

'Cause I'm dressed like a cat

Reverend Peter, I gotta talk to you.

Last night I had sex with a teenage blond and her mother.

Well, that's quite a story, Quagmire,

but my church doesn't have confession.

So there's really no reason for you to tell me.

Are you kiddin'? I'm tellin' everybody!

Giggity goo ga!

Let us pause to reflect on the sacred mystery

of Richie's elder brother, Chuck,

who ascended the stairs with his basketball in season one

and never came down again.

There's just one problem, Peter.

When a religion gets too powerful,

it's bound to have imitators.

What are you talkin' about?

Hi. I'm Sherman Hemsley

and I've just established

the Church of George Jefferson.

Who wants to move on up?

(excited chatter)

Hi, I'm Gavin MacLeod

and I've just established

the Church of Captain Stubing.

Who wants to come on board?

(excited chatter)

Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron.

Oh, great! You here to convert people

to the Church of Mike Seaver?

No, I'm here to convert people to Christianity.

(uncertain muttering) MAN 1: Okay.

MAN 2: Well, he was on Growing Pains.

I can't believe it. Everybody's gone.

Well, people like that are always lookin' for the next voice

to tell 'em what to do.

And here I was, thinkin' I was makin' a difference.

I thought I was actually connectin' with people.

Could there be anyone stupider than me?

Madonna?

Oh, yeah. She's pretty stupid.

That-- That's something we can all agree on, right, right?

Absolutely, yeah. Francis?

Oh, major idiot. Major idiot.

Yeah, yeah. Well, gosh!

I guess we do have some common ground here after all, huh?

Yeah. And La Isla Bonita, not a real place.

I--I looked it up. Couldn't find it.

Bought a globe. Couldn't find it.

Oh, yeah? That makes her a liar, too.

-She's awful. -Awful, awful woman.

-I agree, yeah. -And she's a whore.

Oh yeah, big time.

Oh, everybody. A Canseco? Ew!

Dennis Rodman. Dennis Rodman, right.

Rodman? My God!

I think he lost all his money, didn't he?

Rodman lost? You sure you're not thinking of MC Hammer?

No, no, I think... Well, him, too.

I read somewhere, I think it was in like,

like Stuff, or is it...

No, no, no. You know what, it was on Real Sports

with Bryant Gumbel.

And they said that he's in the poorhouse now, yeah.

You think she'd do him now?

(stammering) I... What, would Madonna do Rodman now?

Oh, yeah, no, 'cause it's not about the money.

It's about pissin' off Daddy.

That's right. She's got a lot of problems.

-Lot of problems. -Yeah, we are smarter.

W-W-We are smarter than--than Madonna.

Oh, no question.

Well, I should probably get out of these robes.

Oh, look at you. You're all better.

That's right, Brian. And you are toast.

I'm gonna get in the gym, get my lats back

and then me and my friends from Cobra Kai

are gonna take you down, man.

Listen, uh, sorry I had to rain on your parade, Peter.

It's all right, Brian.

I guess the Church of the Fonz was just a bad idea.

Not really, Peter.

You were preachin' honesty, friendship, courage.

And if you manage to inspire even one person to embrace those values

then you are a success.

Thanks, Lois. But I doubt there's any chance of that.

(claps intro to Happy Days theme tune)

One, two, three o'clock, fouro'clock, rock

Five, six, seven o'clock, eighto'clock, rock

Nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelveo'clock, rock

We're gonna rock around theclock tonight

Put your glad rags on and join me, hon

We'll have some fun when theclock strikes one

We're gonna rock around theclock tonight

We're gonna rock, rock, rock,till broad daylight

We're gonna rock, gonna rock, aroundthe clock tonight

When the clock strikes two,three and four

If the band slows down we'll yell for more

We're gonna rock around theclock tonight

We're gonna rock, rock, rock,till broad daylight

We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around

the clock tonight