All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S04E18.The.Father.the.Son.and.the.Holy.Fonz.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-PHOENiX_track3_[eng]

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things
that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam...ily... Guy

ANNOUNCER: We now return to The
Adventures of Aquaman.

(sonar hum)

Yeah?

Hey, uh, can you, uh,
grab me another beer?

Uh, yeah. Anything
else? Maybe, you know, TV Guide,

you know, another--
another pillow for your feet or something?

No. Actually-- actually, you know what?
Get me, like, a...

Get me, like,
a Dewar's and soda, and, uh,

you know, try to keep the saltwater
out of it, if you could.

-(stammering) Try to keep the saltwater...
-Yeah.

W-We're surrounded by saltwater,
you know. It's kind of difficult.

I know. I'm just saying,
I'm just saying, try.

Yeah, okay, I'll try.
You want me to wipe your ass, too?

Oh, wow, that's
a helpful tone.

I'm just saying, you're
kind of abusing your powers a little bit,

-don't you think?
-Actually--Actually...

This is all time that could be spent
getting me my beverage.

Hey, what are
you guys doin'?

We got to get ready
for your grandpa's 80th birthday dinner.

Peter, calm down.
He's just your father.

Yeah, but I love him.

His folksy racism,
his I-don't-care-where-I-am flatulence.

And the way
it always seems like he's chewin',

even when there's
no food in there.

(doorbell ring)

Hi-ya, Dad.

Francis, it's so good
to see you.

Lois, you haven't
changed a bit, you lyin' bitch.

Ha ha ha. Francis, why
don't you come into the dining room, huh?

The table's all set for
your birthday dinner.

Uh, Lois, actually, Dad said he would
prefer it if you did not join us,

uh, you know, you
bein' a Protestant and all. Um...

He said it's okay if you
sit at the kid's table.

Peter, I cooked
the damn dinner.

Ah! You know, I knew
you were going to react like this,

and that's why I brought Bill Lumbergh
to explain it to you.

Yeah, I'm gonna
need you to go ahead

and not complain
about this.

Oh, and if you could
go ahead and sit at the kids' table,

that'd be great.

I'm just saying, '70s
boobs were different. I don't know.

You know, it wouldn't kill you
to contribute to the conversation.

Dad, tell us
about World War I

and how America defeated
Kaiser Permanente.

Lois, when are you
going to get that baby baptized?

Oh, God, not this again.

Francis, why the hell
is this always an issue with you?

Because I love
this family

and I don't want
my grandson to burn in hell.

I love you, Grandpa.

Your toenails
are the same color as my school bus.

He... You really
think that

splashing magic water
on Stewie will keep him out of hell?

Watch that kind of talk
or you'll get your heathen head smacked.

Oh, that's
very Christian.

"Believe what I say
or I'll hurt you."

Now you're gettin' it.

Peter,
we have a problem.

Hey, hang on, Lois.
I'm watchin' a movie.

-ANNOUNCER: And now back to
-Jaws V: Fire Island.

You think we should
be this far out?

Stop worrying, Mark.
We'll be fine.

Hey, I'm gonna
eat you all.

I'm gonna eat
that hairy leg.

I'm gonna eat
that one, too.

Oh, I can see
right up them shorts.

I got a whole bunch
of rows of teeth to chew you with.

(singing Jaws music)

Oh, now wait a minute.

I did have a chubby kid
on a raft earlier today.

It's okay, though.
I've been swimmin' a lot lately.

Mmm. Yummy. Mmm.

Peter, your father
won't let up

about Stewie
getting baptized.

I am sick of him

always tryin' to
force his religious views on us.

All right, I'll talk
to him, Lois, but, uh,

you know, when my father
wants somethin',

it's like sex
with Kobe Bryant.

You can kick and
scream all you want,

but it's--it's
gonna happen.

Dad, what are you doin'?

There's no
cross in here.

Every kitchen
needs a crucifix.

Listen, Dad, I--I gotta
talk to you. Um...

Lois was wonderin'
if maybe you could, uh,

I don't know, ease
up on the whole, uh,

you know, Jesus-ay
Christ-ay, if you catch my drift.

You're a lapsed
Catholic, Peter.

Your wife's
a Protestant whore

and your baby
isn't even baptized.

All right, all right,
look, Dad...

I--I don't want you
to hate me, all right?

So I'll make
a deal with you.

If we get
Stewie baptized,

you and all
other old people

have to acknowledge
and be aware

that there's crap in the
corners of your mouth.

I'll think about it.
Now let's go.

Old people are gross,
no matter how cute

-they try to make them look on
-Desperate Housewives.

Go ahead. Switch over
to ABC for five seconds.

I'll wait.
I'll wait five seconds.

Oh, my God, did you see?

Did you see how old
and ugly they are?

Oh, my God, that
redhead looks like

somebody pulled
Silly Putty over their knee.

I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin,
but I can't baptize little Stewie today.

It turns out our
last shipment of holy water is tainted.

Tainted? Holy water?
How did that happen?

(toilet flushing)

We'll call you when we
get a new shipment in.

There's no such thing
as tainted holy water.

Come on. We'll
do it ourselves.

Stewie Griffin,
I baptize you

in the name of
the Father, the Son

-and the Holy Ghost.
-And Space Ghost.

What are you doing?
Oh, my God!

This is almost as
bad as my bath with Kathy Bates.

Yeah, I think
I'm gonna get out.

(moaning)

Stewie,
you don't look so good.

Oh, baby,
you're burnin' up!

Oh, my God!
Stewie, Stewie, speak to me!

Don't... Don't take me
to a black doctor.

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin,
I've examined your son

and he is suffering from
a temporary toxic anemia

which has substantially
weakened his immune system.

Is he gonna die?

No, but he's highly
vulnerable to infection

and must be quarantined
in a germ-free plastic environment.

My God, you mean
like John Travolta in that movie?

Oh, no, you're gonna
take his face off, like in Face/Off?

Well, it looks like
the operation was a success.

Do you know what
the best part of this is?

Try licking yourself.

You bastard!

-Peter, he meant The Boy in the
-Plastic Bubble.

How could this
have happened?

It's obvious to me that Stewie's been
exposed to tainted holy water.

Peter, you had Stewie
baptized behind my back?

Come on, honey.
This is no worse

than when I rented
out your uterus

to those inner city
immigrants.

(Latin dance music)

(gunshots)

(tires screeching)

Peter, you're a
complete slave to your father's religion.

What about your
religious beliefs, huh?

You have a choice,
you know.

-I do?
-Of course.

You're a grown man.
You can pick any religion you want.

Really? Hah!

You know, Lois,
maybe you're right.

Maybe I should
pick my own religion.

The question
is, which one?

I'll tell you what
you can pick. A tune out on that piano.

Fatty's in a little jam,
dead girl, dead girl

Fatty's in a lit...

Oh, now how the
whiz-bang does the rest of it go?

Quick!
Make something up!

(jaunty tune)

Peter, what are all
these women doin' in our livin' room?

Lois, I took your
advice and picked a new religion.

I'm gonna be a Mormon.

A Mormon? Are you sure?

Come on.
Nailin' a different wife every night?

That's a no-brainer.

Oh, Lois, this is Kimmy,
the checkout girl from the Korean market.

Uh, Nancy, our
postal carrier.

And you know Tiffany,
the filthy woman

who stands downtown
and screams at traffic.

I ate a tube of Crest
for dinner!

Isn't she funny?

She's definitely
the Kramer of my Mormon wives.

Nancy, get me a beer.

Uh, Mormons aren't
allowed to drink alcohol.

Peter, did you just
throw those women away?

No. Maybe.

Also in the news,
some trouble at St. Phillips Church.

That's right, Diane.
A shipment of tainted holy water

could put some local
babies in jeopardy.

Sounds dangerous, Tom.

Be careful next time
you're at confession telling the priest

about cheating on
your wife with that Filipino drag queen.

Well, at least you're
in no danger, Diane,

since you only visit
church to leave your self-delivered,

unwashed, half-dead
newborns on the back step.

Coming up, how to turn
your unwanted change into foldin' money.

You know, it's kind of
sad seeing Stewie in that plastic bubble.

I think
he looks like a bunny.

Oh, that's it, Chris,
keep laughing.

When I get out of here,
you're going to get it.

I'll lull you into
a false sense of security

like those network
television announcers.

CHIRPY ANNOUNCER:
Tonight on an all-new Mama's Family,

Mama's got more than
she can handle with the in-laws in town.

DRAMATIC ANNOUNCER:
Then, a deadly fire could spell death

for a honeymoon couple
on an all-new Hotel.

Tonight on Newhart,
the stockings are stuffed with comedy

when Bob has to
play Santa Claus.

Then, a sniper's bullet
threatens a partnership

on an all-new
Cagney and Lacey.

-Tonight on a laugh-out-loud
-Night Court,

love is in the air
when Judge Harry's

old high-school
flame comes to town.

Then, a child's death
could mean the case of Arnie Becker's life

on an all-new L.A. Law.

That's Night Court
at 8:00.

L.A. Law at 9:00.

Now remember, kids,
don't touch Stewie.

He's not allowed to have
any human contact.

(phone rings)

Hey, finish
the job, idiot!

For God's sakes,
there's no ventilation!

It smells like
Brian Dennehy in here!

I see London,
I see France,

I see Stewie's
unsightly chapped ass.

Hey, Gay-beau,
I'm up here. Up here.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, my name's Peter.

I'm a Jehovah's
Witness, here to spread the good news

of the story
of Jesus Christ.

Okay, go ahead.

Really?

Wow. Um...

Boy, you're the, uh, first person
who didn't, uh, slam the door on me.

Uh, okay, um, well,

uh, Jesus, uh, was
a miracle worker, of sorts.

Um, he would travel
from place to place,

putting things right
that once went wrong

and hoping each time
that his next leap

would be the leap home.

( Quantum Leap
whooshing noise)

Mmm.

What do you think
you're doin' with my wife?

Oh, boy.

( Quantum Leap music)

The pathway to
enlightenment

starts with
an unfettered, focused mind.

(exclaiming) Look out!

What are you doing?

Oh? I thought that dot on your head
was from a sniper rifle.

Peter, this spot
is a sacred adornment.

It's a portal,
an opening through which

all light, goodness,
rejuvenation, joy and ecstasy

may enter the
human form.

-A vagina?
-Get out.

Hey, Stewie, 3:00.
Time for The View.

No! No, no! Not again!

(chickens clucking)

Let me out of here!
I can't watch another second!

Relax, Stewie.
The doctor gave me this

so you can get
some exercise.

Boy, Stewie's
more wound up

than Dad was that time
he took steroids.

Peter, could you please
pass the potatoes?

(scream)

Damn it, Meg!

ANNOUNCER: And now,
back to Happy Days.

Ah, that Fonzie
is magic.

I love the way
he hits the jukebox to make it work.

What is it, Mr. C?

Fonz, I--I wanted
to pleasure Marion for our anniversary,

but, as you know,
I have erectile dysfunction.

Oh, there we go.

Thank you, Arthur.

Eh!

Brian,
will you carry me upstairs?

I want to look
at my toys.

No. I'm watching
television.

Come on,
I'm sick.

All right.
Come here.

Oh, Todd,

I feel like we'll
never have a baby of our own!

We will, Kelly.

You just have to
visualize it.

Come on, close
your eyes.

Picture a happy,
healthy baby boy at play.

Now put him in
a magic bubble

and release him
to the universe.

(Stewie screaming)

Uh, honey, now I
want you to visualize Lindsay Lohan,

only, naked and
doing a backwards crab-walk.

-What?
-Just do this for me!

Ah, Peter! Where have
you been, lad?

Well, Dad,
I was trying to find my own religion,

but it didn't work out.

I haven't been
this disappointed

since I lost
my virginity.

(crowd cheering)

Ah! Uh-oh.

You want to get
some breakfast or somethin'?

You want to
find religion,

all you got to do is
look in your heart.

Who's always been
there for you,

offerin' wisdom
and truth?

You've known him
all along, Son.

Now worship him!

Oh, my God! Dad's right!

There is only one person

and it's time
for him to be properly worshiped.

I, Peter Griffin,
hereby establish

the First United Church
of the Fonz.

Fonzie, if this
be your will, give me a sign.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan.

This is how
a crab walks.

It sure is!
Fonzie be praised!

All right, Dad.

Two days ago,
this was an old barn.

And now, thanks to you,
it's an old barn with a sign on it.

All things are possible

through the Lord God,
Arthur Fonzarelli, son.

So, you're really
going through with this?

Absolutely.
You know this place only cost me $100?

That's a better deal than
that Aaron Neville megaphone I bought.

Okay, I wanna
thank you guys

for making me
Activity Director for the day.

Okay, first of all,
can every...

...body...

What the hell?

What the hell's wrong
with this thing?

Uh, okay, uh,

we're about
to start the...

...sack race

Peter, it's not
a good idea

to be puttin' these
flyers all over town.

People are gonna
think you're crazy.

Hey, how'd you
like to lose a bunch of teeth?

I'm sorry, Lois,

that was way more than
what was called for,

but that's what happens
when you challenge someone's faith.

Oh, Peter, I know this
is important to you,

but I don't wanna
see you humiliated.

I don't think anyone's

gonna wanna
worship the Fonz.

Is this the
Church of the Fonz?

Yes, it is.

I read your flier.

Finally, a religion
that makes sense to me.

Hey, everyone. I
found him. Over here.

(clamoring)

Oh, there you are.

You would not believe
the morning I've had!

(machine revving up)

(funky '70s music)

One, two, three,
four, five, six,seven, eight

nine, ten,
eleven, twelve

One, two, three,
four, five, six,seven, eight

nine, ten,
eleven, twelve

Twelve!

(church organ music)

What in blazes is this?

I thought you said
we were going to church.

This is church, Francis,
a new church,

created by a man
who was brave enough

to follow his
own vision.

Please rise.

Now sit on it.

The Fonz be with you.

And also with you.

Let us "Eh."

"Eh."

Wow, I can't believe
people are actually buying this.

Hey, Fonzie's
cool, Brian.

You see, deep down,

I think we all
secretly yearn

to be Italian
and stupid.

A reading from the
letters of Potsie

to the Tuscaderos.

Yea, and did Fonzie
downstairs cometh

from his apartment
above the garage.

And sayeth he,

"Reassembleth will
I the pieces of my motorcycle,

"though I suffereth from
temporary blindness.

"And yea, for I am holy,
befriendeth I will Sticks Downey,

the only Negro in
the state of Wisconsin." Amen.

CONGREGATION: Amen.

(sniffing)

Brian, what's
that smell?

Black spray paint.

What were you painting?

STEWIE: Oh, you think
you're sooo funny!

Well, as soon as I figure out where I am,
you're dead, Brian!

(screaming)

Damn it, I haven't been this dizzy
since I did those helium whippets

at that birthday party.

Okay, okay, ready?
Here goes.

(in high voice)
I'm a female. I have a high voice.

I have reproductive
organs inside of me.

And I buy groceries.

Peter, your religion
is an abomination.

I never thought you
could ever embarrass me more in a church

than you did
at your cousin Mary's wedding.

And if anyone
knows of any reason

why these two
should not be married,

let him speak now.

Really?

Nobody's gonna
speak up?

I'm the one who's
gonna have to say it?

(sigh)
All right.

Genital warts.

But, Dad, you're
the one who said

I should look
into my heart

to find my religion.

Yes. Real religion.

What I saw today
wasn't religion.

It was just a bunch
of sheep, singing songs

and listening to
ridiculous tall tales.

Actually,
that is religion.

Shut your trap, Brian.

STEWIE: Hah!
You tell him.

Why? I agree with you.
All Peter's done

is found another
way to exploit people's ignorance,

and that's just wrong.

You think I'm wro...

(stammering)

See, Brian,
that's a word the Fonz can't say,

because all is right
when you welcome Fonzie into your life.

Fonzie be with you.

I ought to take
off my belt

and slap the
crap out of him.

Look, Francis.
I don't like you and you don't like me.

But I suggest we set
aside our differences

and work together.

I have an idea
of how to snap Peter out of this.

Work together?
You and me?

Sure, sometimes
opposites work well together.

In fact, Peter
taught me that.

Two steps forward

I take two
steps back

We come together

'Cause I'm dressed like a cat

And you know it ain't fiction

Just a natural fact

We come together

'Cause I'm dressed like a cat

Reverend Peter,
I gotta talk to you.

Last night I had sex
with a teenage blond and her mother.

Well, that's quite
a story, Quagmire,

but my church doesn't
have confession.

So there's really
no reason for you to tell me.

Are you kiddin'?
I'm tellin' everybody!

Giggity goo ga!

Let us pause to reflect
on the sacred mystery

of Richie's elder
brother, Chuck,

who ascended the stairs
with his basketball in season one

and never came
down again.

There's just one
problem, Peter.

When a religion
gets too powerful,

it's bound to
have imitators.

What are you
talkin' about?

Hi. I'm Sherman Hemsley

and I've just
established

the Church of
George Jefferson.

Who wants to move on up?

(excited chatter)

Hi, I'm Gavin MacLeod

and I've just
established

the Church of
Captain Stubing.

Who wants to
come on board?

(excited chatter)

Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron.

Oh, great! You here
to convert people

to the Church
of Mike Seaver?

No, I'm here to
convert people to Christianity.

(uncertain muttering)
MAN 1: Okay.

MAN 2: Well, he was
on Growing Pains.

I can't believe it.
Everybody's gone.

Well, people like that
are always lookin' for the next voice

to tell 'em what to do.

And here I was,
thinkin' I was makin' a difference.

I thought I was actually
connectin' with people.

Could there be
anyone stupider than me?

Madonna?

Oh, yeah.
She's pretty stupid.

That-- That's something
we can all agree on, right, right?

Absolutely,
yeah. Francis?

Oh, major idiot.
Major idiot.

Yeah, yeah. Well, gosh!

I guess we do have
some common ground here after all, huh?

Yeah.
And La Isla Bonita, not a real place.

I--I looked it up.
Couldn't find it.

Bought a globe.
Couldn't find it.

Oh, yeah? That
makes her a liar, too.

-She's awful.
-Awful, awful woman.

-I agree, yeah.
-And she's a whore.

Oh yeah, big time.

Oh, everybody.
A Canseco? Ew!

Dennis Rodman.
Dennis Rodman, right.

Rodman? My God!

I think he lost
all his money, didn't he?

Rodman lost?
You sure you're not thinking of MC Hammer?

No, no, I think...
Well, him, too.

I read somewhere,
I think it was in like,

like Stuff, or is it...

No, no, no. You
know what, it was on Real Sports

with Bryant Gumbel.

And they said that
he's in the poorhouse now, yeah.

You think
she'd do him now?

(stammering) I...
What, would Madonna do Rodman now?

Oh, yeah, no,
'cause it's not about the money.

It's about
pissin' off Daddy.

That's right. She's
got a lot of problems.

-Lot of problems.
-Yeah, we are smarter.

W-W-We are smarter
than--than Madonna.

Oh, no question.

Well, I should
probably get out of these robes.

Oh, look at you.
You're all better.

That's right, Brian.
And you are toast.

I'm gonna get in the
gym, get my lats back

and then me and my
friends from Cobra Kai

are gonna take
you down, man.

Listen, uh,
sorry I had to rain on your parade, Peter.

It's all right, Brian.

I guess the Church of the Fonz
was just a bad idea.

Not really, Peter.

You were preachin'
honesty, friendship, courage.

And if you manage to inspire even
one person to embrace those values

then you are a success.

Thanks, Lois.
But I doubt there's any chance of that.

(claps intro to
Happy Days theme tune)

One, two, three
o'clock, fouro'clock, rock

Five, six, seven
o'clock, eighto'clock, rock

Nine, ten, eleven
o'clock, twelveo'clock, rock

We're gonna
rock around theclock tonight

Put your glad rags on
and join me, hon

We'll have some
fun when theclock strikes one

We're gonna
rock around theclock tonight

We're gonna
rock, rock, rock,till broad daylight

We're gonna rock,
gonna rock, aroundthe clock tonight

When the clock
strikes two,three and four

If the band slows down
we'll yell for more

We're gonna rock
around theclock tonight

We're gonna
rock, rock, rock,till broad daylight

We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around

the clock tonight