Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a Family Guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam...ily... Guy

Peter, don't forget you have a physical today at 1:00.

For the hundredth time, Lois, I won't forget.

Nag, nag, nag.

Sometimes I think I should have married that woman

I met the night of my bachelor party.

Peter, I can't believe your friends just left you here.

Let's get you home.

Wow, strange lady. You're so sexy.

I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain-in-the-ass Lois.

Peter, it's me.

You know what? Screw it.

I am so gonna cheat on Lois right now.

-I don't care if she finds out. -Peter...

You got a condom? Never mind. I got this Milky Way wrapper.

Put this on. Why?

Because I'm skipping my physical to go have steaks with the guys

and I don't want Lois to know about it.

Um, okay.

Lois, I'm going to my physical now.

Okay, honey. I'll see you later.

Um...

What the hell? I'll just ask it.

Why did we need the horse suit for that?

Okay, all right, that's...

that's seven 16-ounce steaks.

Oh!

Come on, Joe. You haven't even finished one.

I mean, that guy had two.

I know, I know, I'm terrible.

Which is why I'm gonna order the cheesecake.

Oh, I can't do it. I'm...

I'm so full.

Full of what? Estrogen.

Come on, take the skirt off, you pansy.

Oh!

Let's go. Chow down, Mary Jane.

I said, I can't.

-Eat it. Eat the damn steak. -No.

-Come on! What are you waiting for? -I can't.

Eat it, Joe. Eat it! No, no, no.

Joe, eat it! I said I'm not hungry!

Where is it now, huh? Where is it now?

Easy, sailor, easy.

Put the gun down, Joe.

Yeah. Nobody's judging you, man. It's cool.

I'll just put this back in your purse next to your tampons.

All right, let's start the bidding.

Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set?

Um...

$675, Bob.

$675. Steven?

Uh, $780.

-$780. Tammy? -What was the last bid?

-$780. -$781.

(Bleep) you!

Hi, honey. How was your physical?

Good. Good. Good. Yeah. Yeah.

Too good, matter of fact.

You know what the doctor said?

Doctor said I was too healthy, you know?

In too good of shape.

Don't even know how. Too good of shape.

You didn't go to your physical, did you?

Uh, I did not.

So, Doctor? Is Peter healthy?

My goodness! You'll be dead within a month.

BOTH: What?

Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle

of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month.

Now, on to you.

So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, huh?

Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results.

(screaming)

There's a spider in here. Now, here we go.

Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.

(exclaiming)

This is your driver's license, isn't it?

Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you are going to die

when you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts.

Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?

Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this.

Kim Bass-inger, Base-inger, Basin-jer, Basinger?

But now on to the cancer.

-Ah! -Oh, my God!

You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July?

Now, on to these test results.

My, they're much worse than I thought.

My son got a D minus on his history test.

Now, Mr. Griffin, that liver's got to come out.

BOTH: What?

It's been in the microwave for three minutes. It'll get dry. Now...

Please. Please.

We can't take any more shtick.

Please, just tell us, is Peter healthy?

Oh, yeah. He's fine. He's just really fat.

Oh, thank God!

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a second.

Did you just say I was fat?

Well, yeah. You are pretty fat.

Um,

okay. This is news to me.

Boy! This is more awkward than having sex with a rhinoceros

who doesn't love you anymore.

Why wouldn't you look at me during?

(sobbing)

Hey, how was your physical?

Stupid doctor said I was fat. Can you believe that idiot?

Well, Peter, you are on the large side.

Oh, please, Brian. If I was fat,

could I do this with a Hula-Hoop?

(groaning)

(tittering)

No. No, no, I guess you couldn't do that if you were fat.

Careful, Peter. That's an old family photo.

My mother gave it to me.

Huh, that's weird.

-I didn't know you had a brother. -I don't.

I mean, I don't think so.

Hey, if I'm fat, then Stewie's fat, too.

Because we wear the same size onesie.

(cell phone ringing)

Hello, pumpkin. Hello, Daddy?

Did I miss your piano recital?

No, Daddy. I'm in my 40s now.

Good God!

I had a question I wanted to ask.

Um, do I have a brother?

(stuttering)

No, no. Don't be silly.

'Cause I found this picture...

Uh, uh... Oh, Dick. Thank God you're here. Talk to her.

Message CM-27.

The subscriber you are trying to reach

is unavailable or outside the calling area.

What do you feel like doing later?

Message CM-42.

Let's go pay some hookers to knock our junk around.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Daddy's never gonna tell me the truth.

The only way to find out is to check the family records.

Ah, breaking into Grandma and Grandpa's house.

This is more exciting than that time I saw Bobby McFerrin

fall down all those stairs.

(scatting)

Cool!

Wait. What are you doing? They're sleeping in here.

Oh, please. They get so doped up on sleeping pills and liquor,

an earthquake wouldn't wake them up.

My God! How does she sleep at night

knowing she has to funnel this old duffer's hog?

(gasps) This is it! Patrick Pewterschmidt.

56 Meadow Lane, Brookfield. I do have a brother.

Oh, my God. I've got to meet him.

Oh, hey, Brian. You know what would be fun?

Oh, God, totally!

-Yeah! -Whoo!

BOTH: Awesome!

You know, sometimes the old-fashioned playthings are the best.

ADVERTISING MAN: Hey, kids of America.

It's hand-painted wooden ball in a cup.

Who needs constant electronic video stimulation

when there's ball in a cup?

Mexico's favorite toy for over 340 years.

Toss the ball, catch it in the cup,

dump it out of the cup, toss it,

and catch it in the cup again.

The ball is on a string and attached to the cup.

So there's no worry if you don't catch the ball in the cup.

And cleanup is as easy as catching a ball in a cup.

So why spend another day not catching a ball in a cup

when you could be catching a ball in a cup?

SINGERS:Ball in a cup

Ball in a cup

It's a ball in a cup

Ball in a cup!

Ball in a cup

Peter, I think maybe you're in denial about this fat thing.

Oh, yeah? Well, I challenge you to prove to me

that I'm fat.

Uh, okay, hang on.

-See this? -Yeah.

You know what it is?

Duh, it's an apple.

Good, good, good. All right, watch this.

What the-- What is this?

Is this some kind of gag?

No. That's orbit. Huh?

You have your own gravitational pull.

Oh, that's a bunch of crap.

MALE TV ANNOUNCER: Now back to The Three Stooges.

(chuckling) Aw.

(chuckling) Aw.

(chuckling) Aw.

Oh! Can you believe I'm about to meet my long lost brother?

Maybe Dateline will do a story on us, huh?

I'll get to meet that pompous ass, Stone Phillips.

He's a kind of guy you hate till he's inside you.

There it is. 56 Meadow Lane.

"Brookfield Insane Asylum"?

(gasping) Oh, my God! Mom's brother's crazy.

Oh, no. I didn't catch the ball in the cup.

Oh, wait a minute.

It's okay because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup.

Doctor, is my brother really insane?

Mrs. Griffin, we don't use the word "insane."

We prefer the term "mentally hilarious."

Ooh, I can't wait to meet the lunatic.

I bet he's even weirder than that commercial I saw.

Hey, is that that new butter substitute?

It sure is.

Is it true it has half the calories of butter or margarine

-with all the great taste? -Yeah.

Can I have some? Get your own.

Take that, you bitch!

What the hell?

How'd you like that?

Hey, joke's on you. I have hepatitis.

(groaning)

Patrick? Yes?

My name's Lois. I'm your sister.

Oh, my God, Lois.

I never thought I'd see you again.

These are my children.

Why do you live in a crazy house, Uncle Patrick?

Well, when I was just a little boy,

I had a very traumatic experience.

Mommy, can I have a drink of water?

(gasping) Jackie Gleason!

Beat it, kid. Your mother's busy.

GLEASON: Humminah, humminah, humminah, humminah.

Pow, right in the kisser!

-Oh, that's a horrible story. -Yes.

I was so traumatized they sent me here.

And I guess they must have forgotten about me.

Well, you seem perfectly normal to me.

And no brother of mine is gonna be

cooped up in some insane asylum.

We are taking you back to Quahog with us.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Maybe he can bring his sling blade and order up some

(mimicking Billy Bob Thornton) French-fried "potaters."

Mmm-hmm.

Thank God I'm out of that hospital.

It's great to be eating lunch with my family

instead of a bunch of chronic masturbators.

Those people are disgusting.

Is it lonely up there on your pedestal, Patrick?

Oh, Peter, there you are. This is my brother Patrick.

Yeah, yeah. Good to meet you, Patrick.

All right, listen up, everybody.

I have something to tell you.

I'm not quite sure how to say this.

I'm fat.

Let me give you a minute to absorb that.

That's the way it is. It's nobody's fault, Meg.

But I've decided to do something about it.

Oh, great. You gonna drop some weight, fat ass?

No, dummy. I'm gonna help make this a fat man's world

by establishing the National Association for the Advancement of Fat People.

This is the best idea I've had since I slayed that dragon.

-Cybill Shepherd? -Yes.

(unsheathing)

(roaring)

People, you are free!

(people cheering)

You know, I'm very glad you're here, Patrick.

Well, I want to tell you that

Marian and I both appreciate what you've done.

Marian? Oh, you have a girlfriend.

Oh, where are my manners? Marian is my wife.

She is sitting right next to me.

Oh, here we go.

Oh... huh.

Nice to meet you, Marian.

What's that, honey? Oh, yes. Hang on.

Marian wants some coffee.

Lois, did you see that? He's nuts.

Brian, he's been locked up in that place for 30 years.

It's perfectly understandable that he'd invent

an imaginary companion.

Yes. He's even more imaginative than the people who invented singing.

(groaning)

(grunting)

Oh, oh, oh

-The longest -For the longest time

Whoa, oh, oh

-The longest -For the longest

If you say good-bye to me tonight

(scatting)

All right, everyone, I'd like to get started.

-(all panting) -I'd like to get-- We're start--

You know what? Maybe... Maybe everyone should sit down.

(all wheezing)

Okay, that's better. Welcome, everybody, to the...

(rustling packaging)

Uh, uh...

snacks are best saved for later.

(farting)

(burping)

(panting)

(farting)

(farting)

Okay, now, I've prepared an agenda for our organization,

what we want from the community as fat people with pride.

(coughing)

(panting continues)

(farting continues)

(burping continues)

(farting continues)

(crashing)

All right, I think we got a lot accomplished here today.

We'll pick this up again tomorrow.

Hey, guys, I'm going for a run.

Do me a favor and keep Marian company while I'm gone.

Uh, sure.

Great. Bye, honey. (kissing)

Hey, Brian. Marian just called you an alcoholic.

Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo.

Wait a second. I'll be right back.

Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here?

Put the cucumber right there.

Do you think Patrick would be angry?

I don't know, man. It's his wife.

You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this...

Just put that right there?

Just right in that spot, right there on the couch?

Hey, Marian's giving you a thumb's up.

You know what we should do?

We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles.

(both laughing)

If after three weeks it pickles, then she's real

and we both have to buy Patrick a steak.

(both guffawing)

(crickets chirping)

Hey, pie. I know what you want.

I saw you in that movie.

Whore, slut, bitch.

You don't deserve to have sex with me.

Instead, I'm gonna eat the whore out of you.

Peter, did you start a coalition for fat guys?

Yeah. The fat-guy coalition.

Peter, you shouldn't encourage people to be fat.

Fat people are immoral.

How do you figure, sports fan?

They're just bad people, like that Jackie Gleason.

He was fat and he was bad.

One time when I was a boy...

Oh, I love Jackie Gleason.

Hey, take a look at what I bought at this TV convention.

(chuckling) It's a bus driver's uniform.

Pow, right in the kisser!

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

Pow, right in the kisser! Pow, right in the kisser!

Pow, right in the kisser!

Pow, right in the kisser!

Pow, right in the kisser!

Pow, right in the kisser!

Pow, right in the kisser!

(screaming)

Wow! That set him off like a Paul Shaffer fire alarm.

(Paul Shaffer's voice screaming)

(ringing)

-Hello? -Lois, it's your father.

The hospital called and said you released Patrick.

Have you lost your mind? He's incredibly dangerous.

Oh, well, that's ridiculous. Patrick is a very nice man.

And you should be ashamed of yourself for locking up your own son.

Whose pickle is this?

This just in. The body of a local fat man

was found murdered in Quahog Park last night.

Police released this sketch of the suspect.

Oh, my God!

Police also released this sketch of a female accomplice

believed to be his wife.

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker.

Quahog's newest serial killer has struck again.

Since the first victim at Quahog Park last week,

three more men have been killed,

all of them very, very fat.

Lois, that sketch looks a lot like Patrick.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

I don't know. I mean, he's clearly crazy.

Look at that imaginary wife of his.

Well, if she's imaginary, how do you explain the pickle on the couch?

I don't understand what...

Oh, wait. What? Really?

Hey, Stewie!

STEWIE: I know, I know. I heard!

Patrick.

Where have you been?

Oh, it's nothing you need to concern yourself with, Lois.

Well, that's a relief.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a relief.

Yeah, the Fat Guy Strangler's living here and there's a fat guy in the house.

This'll be a bigger disaster than when Peter did Tara Reid's boob job.

Oh, dropped some pepperoni on there.

You know what? That works. Sew it up.

All right, everybody, just make yourselves at home.

Lois, these are the fat guys. Fat guys, Lois.

My God, look at you fat bastards.

I bet none of you can even find your own penis.

Find your penis for a dollar. Find your penis, one dollar.

One dollar, find your penis. Find your penis here.

Peter, what's going on?

Lois, my people are in danger.

Until they find the Fat Guy Strangler, we will stay--

Victor, don't lean against that.

(Meg screaming)

Hey, everybody.

Peter, you gotta get these guys out of here.

-Patrick is the murderer. -What?

-(gasping) -You son of a bitch!

Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

Out of my way, Lois. Your brother is toast.

Warm buttery toast!

(all moaning)

-That sounds good. -I love toast.

I just found my penis.

Run, Patrick, run!

After him!

Boys, to your Rascals!

He went into James Woods. Let's spread out and find him.

We'll head him off at the...

(chicken clucking)

Todd, man, you got to chew your food.

Brian, I know my brother. He couldn't have done these things.

Well, let's see if you feel that way when you see this.

Look.

So he has pictures of himself strangling fat guys.

That doesn't mean he's the Fat Guy Strangler.

Oh, yeah? What about the dead fat guy under his bed?

Coincidence?

What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner?

Patrick tried to kill me.

-Well, maybe it's a different Patrick. -Lois!

Okay, okay. Oh, my God!

Peter's out there with him! Wait!

You gonna eat that dead fat guy?

How are we gonna find them?

Don't worry, Lois. I'm good at finding people.

I was the one who found Bush after Hurricane Katrina.

-Mr. President, are you up there? -Go away!

Sir, there's a disaster in New Orleans.

I'm reading Superfudge.

You got to come down and deal with this.

Don't make me do stuff.

Patrick? Patrick!

Oh, crap! Guess we lost him.

Well, nothing left to do but finish this sentence uninterrupt--

(shouting)

Patrick, let him go!

Don't come any closer!

Patrick, let him go or Marian gets it.

Nice try. But Marian's over there.

Don't hurt her!

Now, let him go!

Okay! Okay!

-Ah! You missed! -No, I didn't.

That's for rolling up the damn window when I tried to jump into the General Lee.

I'm sorry, Lois. I never meant to hurt anybody.

I mean, I did mean to kill those fat guys, but I never meant to hurt you.

You may be very sick, Patrick, but I love you.

You're my brother and you'll always be my brother.

I have to go back to the hospital, don't I?

Yeah. I'm afraid so.

Hey, Patrick. Did you see how that rock hit me in the face?

It was like, pow, right in the kisser!

Pow, right in the kisser!

Pow, right in the kisser!

(screaming)

Stop screaming, you can't hear me. Pow, right in the kisser!

Pow, right in the kisser!

Pow, right in the kisser!

I miss Uncle Patrick.

Don't worry, kids. I promise we can visit him once a month.

We'll be his period.

I was just upstairs

and there's a half-dead fat guy eating a dead fat guy.

Uh-huh. So I guess we're just looking the other way, huh?

(theme music playing)