Original subtitles

Three weeks ago, ten brave individuals signed up

for the adventure of a lifetime to find true love.

And tonight, on the season finale of "Love in Bali",

there's only two suitors left. Who will Trina choose?

Danny, the cowboy from Montana.

Or Nick, the day-trader from Manhattan?

We're down to the final decision.

Oh, God! She's gonna chose Nick, isn't she?

- Who is it? - Someone good.

See. Didn't I tell you? Someone good.

Mister Lester, what do you need?

Conversation. Can I come in?

- I'd rather it was during work hours. - I would, too.

But we have just twelve minutes to discuss an important issue.

- Please, come in. - Thank you.

Well, well. So, this is an apartment.

Yeah. Student loans. You said twelve minutes.

Yes. Where is this?

Let's see. No. That's my orthodontist appointment.

This is my pizza. Why do I have that?

- Is this about Mister Rivi? - Yes, and no.

Here it is. See, I really should keep the new ones on top.

It would make my life so much easier.

What does Mister Rivi need?

Well, that's what our conversation is gonna be about.

See, Oscar likes to help his friends,

and he considers you a friend now.

I don't need any friends, Mister Lester.

You do one on this one.

First, you can't tell anyone I was here or how you heard this.

- You have to promise me. - Promise.

You said that too fast. Think about it, then promise.

- Promise. - Good.

So Oscar has friends in the police department.

And in about ten minutes, a search warrant is going to be served

on someone close to you.

- Who? - Someone at your firm.

Who?

Now the police are not actually serving the warrant.

The FBI is. And that's how Oscar got the information

because the police hate the Feds.

And who is being served?

Let me see. I have this on one of these notes.

What? Exercises?

- Yes. - A bad back?

- Because I have a chiropractor. - No, no, no.

But why are you doing exercises?

I get migraines. It helps with them.

I'm so sorry. You know my mom got terrible migraines.

She would lie on the floor for hours and cry. It was very sad.

Here. Diane Lockhart.

That's who's being served in about nine minutes.

You can't tell her how you know this, you promised.

And be sure to tell her be very careful

about any documents pertaining to Oscar.

Shit!

If this can wait until tomorrow, please hang up right now.

Miss Lockhart, I'm sorry. This can't wait.

- Who is this? - Carmen Moyo. Your new associate?

Okay, what is it, Carmen?

I can't tell you how I know this,

but in eight minutes, the FBI is going to be serving a search warrant

on your residence.

Where did you get this?

- I've been told I can't say. - Rivi?

- Miss Lockhart. - What are they searching for?

I wasn't told.

But they're sure that we're being served tonight?

- Yes. - Okay. Thanks.

Work?

In eight minutes our house is gonna be searched by the FBI.

- Do you believe him? - Her. I don't know. Maybe.

Eight minutes?

- Don't! - No, I'm gonna lock it up.

- Liz. I'm sorry to bother you. - Diane, can this wait?

I don't think it can. The new associate, Carmen, she called with a tip

saying that the FBI is executing a search warrant in our house

in a few minutes.

What? Where did she get the tip?

I don't know. She couldn't say. Rivi?

Yeah or Wolfe-Coleman.

She's tangled up with some rough characters.

We need to...

We need to purge your files because the FBI are always...

- What? - Nothing, nothing.

- The Feds are always trying... - What is that?

- Nothing. - Kurt, what is that?

Business.

We need to get your files purged.

Hold on. I'm just gonna loop in Jay. Okay?

- Hello? - Jay, hey. It's Liz.

I have Diane with me. We need to purge her computer.

We're being searched in a few minutes by the FBI.

The life of a nation is secure only when that nation is honest.

Okay. Diane, is your laptop powered up?

Yes. Now what are you doing?

ATF advice on when you're searched.

Diane, I wrote a PowerShell script that can delete work files,

but you need to access it through the newfolder path.

What does that mean?

Jay, what does that mean?

Hold the power button down, hit restart, and press Command and R.

- All right, got it. - When you see the logo, let go.

When you see a Recovery Mode menu, choose Disk Utility,

then Erase, then Quit Disk Utility.

Wait, wait, wait! Diane! Stop!

When Boseman left, you were working remotely

and so we printed out all your files and sent them to you.

Oh my God, I've got five boxes here.

The shredding service was supposed to pick them up!

Shit!

Federal Agents here to serve a search warrant! Open the door!

I'm gonna need you to take my nine AM.

The Feds are gonna want to review my hard copies.

I'll need to get to court. It's this Build-Your-Own-Court guy.

- Who? - Hal Wackner.

He just wants to know how courts work.

Just give him a half hour and cut him loose.

Diane Lockhart, what a small world!

It's Nancy Crozier, remember? I'm working as an AUSA now.

Sorry about that. Balthazar, would you mind?

Sorry. And we will keep an accounting of any breakage.

I would have picked it up myself, but I'm four months pregnant.

I have a duly authorized search warrant here.

It gives us the right to search the premises.

These materials are covered by attorney client privilege.

No. Actually, it's about your husband.

Sir, I'm here to serve you with a search warrant.

Miss Reddick, how are you?

- Good, Mister Cooper, how are you? - Good, shall we begin?

I'm taking Diane's nine o'clock

so just call me when he gets here. It's some judge guy.

You said the restroom's down the hall to the right?

Excuse me? Where am I supposed to go for the staff meeting?

The partner meeting or the associate one?

- Whichever is more interesting. - I only know about the associate one.

That's where I want to go. Thank you.

- Who is he? - I don't know. Why?

He's coming to our daily.

Is that the STR Laurie guy?

He's reviewing who was kept on after the firings.

I don't think I was nice to him.

- He can't fire you for that. - Yes, he can.

People always think I'm a lesbian. And some people won't ask me.

They do nonverbal communication-communication.

I can tell they're trying to ask if I'm lesbian.

They look at me and they go: "Are you...?"

They do like a wiggle.

And I always play dumb. I don't know, have Parkinson's?

They're like: "No, you know..."

I've got a boyfriend. He's awesome. I love him so much.

We met online. He is Nigerian.

He's a prince. I swear to God.

A Nigerian prince, and he gets me to do things

I never thought I would do. Do you know what I'm saying?

You know how they call Nigeria a shithole country.

Very funny. Though, maybe problematic.

Morgan's act is edgy. And that's what we want.

But now someone's posted this video online,

and we're getting a lot of Twitter pushback.

So you're worried about being canceled?

Don't say the C-word. But, yeah.

Well, we want your business. Mister Cooper.

You want us to sue? We're ready.

No, I want you to do a sensitivity read.

- Really? - Yes.

We have an eight million dollar contract to stream her act.

So we want you to review her set for cultural inaccuracies,

representation issues,

bias, stereotypes, problematic language, blah, blah, blah.

And, why us?

Well, clearly because we're one of the best firms in Chicago.

Because you're a Black firm,

and most of Morgan's jokes touch on racial themes.

And we were thinking of bringing you all of our legal business anyway.

So this may be a good way to take you for a test drive.

Well, I think you'll find us street ready.

And, hey, we wouldn't mind if Morgan's act stayed funny, right?

We have over two hundred million subscribers.

Somebody somewhere is always going to be offended.

- How soon do you need this? - Day after tomorrow.

I've been told you work fast.

Well, we do our best.

- Excuse me. I need to get this. - Yes, ma'am. I'll be in touch.

- Hey, are you still in court? - Yeah, they're delaying us.

Us? What do you mean us?

The search warrant wasn't about me. It was about Kurt.

Kurt? Why?

January sixth. Some veterans he took shooting stormed the Capitol.

- Oh my God. - Yeah. So, this could take a while.

- And you're defending Kurt? - Yes.

How did my nine o'clock go?

Why are you being so casual with him? That is Del Cooper.

- We want his streaming business. - David, I am on the phone.

Can we just deal with this later?

As in when you lose the client? Priorities, Liz.

Your nine o'clock, the kooky court guy? He didn't show up.

Well, he may arrive late. He's unpredictable.

We're tight on paralegal hours. So make sure you keep track.

And we'll divvy up at the end of the week.

We should give seniority to the associate with the most billable hours.

I would agree. But I think it should be billable hours over a whole quarter,

not just the month.

What are you two talking about?

I want to be clear for our fact-finding guest how we do things here.

Don't mind me.

Is there any way we can help you, Mister...?

Wackner. I guess. I don't want to interrupt.

- No, don't worry, please. - What were you going to say?

Well, I do have questions about jury trials.

Those files are covered by attorney client privilege, Your Honor.

My agents smelled... Sorry. One second.

False alarm.

My agents smelled recent burning activity

and found ashes in the fireplace.

From my husband and I enjoying a fire.

They saw no evidence of firewood.

Yes, which is what happens when you burn firewood.

Your Honor, this is not the issue.

The issue is that we need to review the contents of those boxes

that Miss Lockhart tried to burn.

- Objection. - Sustained.

Any review would pierce attorney client privilege, Your Honor.

Miss Crozier, help me understand.

Your warrant was for Mister McVeigh, yes?

Then why do we need to review all the boxes?

Unfortunately, and I'm very embarrassed to admit this...

I'm pregnant. Four months.

It's a girl. We decided on the name Tabitha.

Very nice. I love it when we get to share these private moments.

I'm sorry. The point I was carrying files pertaining to Mister McVeigh.

- And I slipped. - Oh, my God.

- Are we really doing this, Your Honor? - If I could continue...

Mister McVeigh's files got mingled in with Miss Lockhart's.

Yes, I hate when that happens.

Unfortunately, the Bureau now needs to go through all the files

to distinguish which is applicable to our search warrant.

- Your Honor... - You don't have to do that.

The court will appoint a neutral official who will review

and separate the files. No one's happy. Perfect.

Diane, such a pleasure to face you in court today.

Do you have a minute?

- Miss Crozier... - Nancy's fine.

This is the moment when you impress me with all the evidence you have

against my husband and suggest he cop a plea.

So we can do that right here.

Certainly. Dylan Pike says that Kurt is not only concealing

the names of insurrectionists,

but that he was the ringleader of those insurrectionists.

Really?

The accused man you threatened with prison

threw somebody else under the bus? How novel.

Hi, Diane! I'm heading to judge Leon's court.

Hi, Diane. Sorry.

Diane, if I were your husband, I would talk.

Mister Pike seemed very convincing. And we know how these things work.

The first person who talks gets a deal.

The last person who talks gets prison. 20 years to be specific.

So I think it's time to talk.

It wasn't a legal issue. It was something for work.

If you're keeping it from the FBI, it's a legal issue.

Are you not telling me because I'm your lawyer

or because I'm your wife?

Because of your politics.

Come on. Turning in insurrectionists should be our politics.

Diane, this works between us

because we don't let our political judgments overwhelm

our respect for each other.

Kurt, I lived through eight years of the Tea Party

and four years of Trump,

but January sixth, that changed everything for me.

I can't treat this like a chess game anymore.

And what is a chess game here? Us? This marriage?

No.

That's the one thing that's not a game.

It was a list of the eighty members of the Gun and Ammo club.

That's what I burned.

They're not insurrectionists.

But I know that the FBI would treat them like they were.

And I swear to you, I would protect them

just like I would protect your Book Group friends.

So we're going to go through it, page by page,

and if anybody has any problems just stop me. Okay?

Remember, streaming is the future. So don't fuck around.

Very inspiring, David. Thank you. Inspiring words.

Okay, here we go.

If it looks like I'm walking funny,

you have to understand my boyfriend is Nigerian.

Stop. She's objectifying Black men.

Yes. Although in this case, I don't mind...

It doesn't matter if you mind. It's racially insensitive.

Even though her boyfriend is Nigerian?

That doesn't matter either. Something can be true and racially insensitive

if she generalizes from a specific to a universal.

But how is she doing that?

The joke is based on the audience's shared understanding of a stereotype.

- Enough. Let's try to focus. - Wait. Now let's be positive.

Is there anything that we could throw in there

that wouldn't throw off the rhythm? The rhythm is important.

Norwegian.

Why would she be walking funny if her boyfriend was Norwegian?

You know what they say about those Norwegians...

We'll think of something better.

If they're so worried about offending people on Twitter,

how about the Amish? They don't Tweet a lot.

You don't make fun of a person's religion.

I was joking.

If you have to explain that you're joking, it's not a joke.

Jay, I need you to look into two things

First, this man, Dylan Pike.

- Kurt's friend? - They are not friends. They're...

I don't know what they are. But I need to know

if he's actually trying to set Kurt up as a ringleader

of the insurrectionists. I know.

- You wanted to see me? - Yes, come on in.

Thank you, Jay. Good luck.

Carmen. I need to congratulate you on hitting the ground running here.

And I need to know who told you about the search warrant.

- I was asked not to divulge. - You cannot be asked that.

I'm covered by the same attorney client privilege that covers you.

It's my understanding that the search warrant was actually served

in another case. Not one of mine, one regarding your husband.

So this came from Rivi?

I apologize. I can't confirm that.

Carmen, you have been here three weeks. You have two clients.

Wolfe-Coleman and Oscar Rivi. It's one or the other.

Can I make a phone call, Miss Lockhart?

- I think that would be smart. - Diane, you wanted me?

What is going on with your crazy court judge?

Marissa, I am in no mood for defensiveness.

Wackner missed his nine AM meeting,

and then I see him in federal court shadowing Leah.

- What? - Find out what is going on with him.

I can't have him out there freelancing.

Welcome one. Welcome all. I need everybody to pipe down.

Please don't make me use my gavel.

I need all prospective jurors to line up

against the brand-new beautiful jury box.

Shortest to tallest. Dean will give you your numbers.

There's my muse. In chambers?

- So, juries now. - Yeah. I was inspired by your firm.

Your associates told me about how juries are racially biased.

- I'm trying to correct it. - Our associates?

My boss said you didn't make your nine AM.

No. I did. I waited. And then I decided to take my own fact-finding tour.

What does that mean?

Whenever you're kept waiting, ask the receptionist where the restroom is.

When they say, "turn right at the end of the hall", turn left.

- I saw your sign outside. - It was looking good. Yeah?

And the bench. Spiffier. Where's the money coming from?

Sympathetic donor.

Come on. Help me out here. It's a jury trial. What do I do?

One thing I've learned about you, Judge, you just pretend to be dumb

to get everyone around you to talk.

- So, talk. - Well, what's the case?

- NFT fraud. - I don't know what that is.

Non-Fungible Token. Someone sold a painting that was an NFT fake

and they're suing them for four million dollars.

You're hearing a case involving four million dollars?

- It's a jury trial. - But that's...

This was cute when it was the People's Court.

But why would anybody agree to let you decide?

Signed and notarized: Both sides will honor the jury's verdict.

But this was notarized in your fictional court

by you about a fictional ease.

About a fictional crime. Faking an NFT.

Marissa, it seems there are some last remaining brain cells in there

that are unwilling to climb on board.

This is a court. In fact, it is better than a court.

A court is defined by the justice it administers,

not by the ceremony it displays.

That's not Shakespeare, tis moi.

So, come on.

I bought your services from your law firm.

I have a chair for you out there. It has your name on it.

What else do you need?

You like it?

All righty. Good job.

Juror Number Five, step forward, please.

Turn around. Raise your hands. What's the name?

Michael from Wicker Park.

Michael, do you know the words to the National Anthem?

- Yes. - Okay. Let's hear it.

- Now? - Yeah.

Liar. Dean, kick him.

Okay, Juror Number One. Step forward, please.

- What's your name, young lady? - Gina. From Logan Square.

Hello, Gina! Do you know the words to the National Anthem?

I don't.

Do you know the third question asked of King Arthur in the Holy Grail?

Is this a Monty Python question? Because I hate Monty Python.

That's unfortunate. I love it. Does that change your mind?

No.

Take your place in the jury box.

What do we got here?

Number seven. Do you know my mother's maiden name?

Come right up, sir. How are you?

Make him Brazilian. It's the right rhythm.

And they're burning the Amazon. No one will care.

- They're Hispanic. - Latinx.

Look who's in there. They're old. Plus, none of us go to comedy clubs.

We don't know stand-up. And we're not funny.

- I'm funny. - You're a brilliant lawyer.

But nothing personal, you're not a barrel of laughs.

Hey, Diane. Jay thinks that we need younger people in there.

- Oh, God. Yes. - So, I'll get the mailroom.

Okay, but you really think I'm not funny?

No offense.

Listen, I think you should be in on this meeting.

What meeting?

Let's talk hypothetically, shall we? For a moment.

If that helps.

Let's say I have a client who receives information

from people who are not fans of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Okay.

And let's say that he worries, this unnamed client,

that the investigation of your husband might actually be a smokescreen

for coming after him.

Has something happened, hypothetically?

Well, there is a new piece of information,

and I'd like to share it with the two of you.

But let me start by saying my client likes Carmen.

Well, that's good to know.

Carmen is a valued first year associate.

It's one of the reasons... No, strike that.

It's the only reason that he's staying with this firm.

And so if Carmen tells you that she can't share with you

a piece of information,

then she can't share with you a piece of information.

No, Mister Lester, that is not at all how this works.

- I'd better step out. - Stay!

Now, I'm a named partner. Carmen is a first-year associate.

She's only been out of law school for how long? How many months?

- Eight. - Eight months.

Now Carmen is free to resign and hang her shingle wherever she'd like.

She can even go and work for you. That is up to her.

But while she is here,

she is subject to the rules and the mentoring of this firm.

- Carmen, why don't you and I talk? - No.

We need to know now if Carmen is staying. Not after you two talk.

If she leaves right now, we will look for another associate.

But you have a lot to learn, Carmen, and you can only do that here.

Well, that's what worries me.

There are some explosions of talent that are best left untaught.

I disagree with you, but this is up to Carmen.

Carmen?

Mister Lester, I'm staying here.

Well, I'll talk to my client.

You asked if something happened.

It will happen in ten minutes.

Your husband will be served with a grand jury summons.

Kurt, call me.

In about ten minutes, you're probably going to be served

with a grand jury summons. Don't worry.

It is just a power play by this AUSA.

So, we'll just...

Kurt, I'll have to call you back.

I've just been served.

Each of you has been given a paddle.

One side is red, the other green.

As we go through the material, I want you to hold up the red side

if you find the joke offensive, green for funny.

What is it with Amish having such big, juicy butts?

Must be all those buggy rides.

Buggy rides. Anybody? Red offensive. Green funny.

What if it's neither?

Can we see the original joke before it was sensitized?

- Now, that's funny. - And offensive.

But the whole point is to be subversive, right?

We're gonna piss off the client if we turn it into shit.

I've seen this woman in clubs, and I'm not offended.

And last I checked, I'm Black. So just let the woman do her thing.

Hold on. We're getting offtrack.

You young people know more about this than we do.

So we need your help. What's safe for her to joke about?

You want to make people laugh, you joke about sex.

- That's what I do. - Yeah, and it's offensive.

And anti-woman.

You can't tell a joke without offending someone.

That's not true.

W.S. Gilbert still delights over a hundred years later...

Except Gilbert and Sullivan is classist and colonialist bullshit.

Then how about dumb blondes?

Where are the dancing girls and slot machines?

Hey. Wanna drink?

Am I Marissa? Thank you. So what's so funny?

Just how the partners' ideas on comedy lack...

- Actual humor? - Yeah, and grit and grime.

I like my comedy like I like my women.

- Dirty? - Sharp. And mean.

When we were kids, we used to cut each other up.

At my school, we used to crack on each other about everything.

If you had a limp or a speech impediment.

Your hair was too nappy or too straight.

- If you were fat or looked starved. - Are you serious?

- We peed in a girl's shampoo bottle. - That crosses the line.

And now it's like you need a permission slip to tell a joke.

That's why I printed up these.

A permit to tell a joke. I love it.

And you can have that one.

I don't think I should make a Black joke.

- I can handle it! - Can I get a Jewish one?

- Here. Jay, you want one? - Shit. I want more than one.

So, you're just gonna hand these around?

- Yeah, like trading cards or Bitcoin. - What else you got?

Feminist. Obama. Kamala.

Republicans. The Fats.

Skinny Bitches. That's a good one.

Is there anything we can't do?

- Necrophilia? - No, that could be funny.

- Autism. - Selena Gomez's kidney transplant.

Put one in just to throw everybody off.

One that's so inappropriate even you wouldn't joke about it.

Could we get cancelled for even joking about being canceled?

Yeah.

Wait. Here it comes now.

Try this one. And see,

- No, no, no. - Come on!

- I'm not touching that. - Come on.

Okay, Greta Thunberg walks into a bar...

- No, I can't. She's a child. - She's eighteen!

Do you think I'm funny?

- During sex? - No.

Did I looking at you like you were funny?

Then, that's my bad,

cause I was making my "damn, baby, you're fine, get over here" face.

No, shut up.

l was told today that I'm not funny.

Really, by who? Because you're funny.

You just said that in a way that makes it sound like I'm not funny.

That's a lot to read from just tone.

This is a discussion nobody's gonna win.

- You don't think I'm funny. - No.

Okay, baby, look. Funny people aren't funny.

You're gonna have to explain that.

Funny People don't laugh. They just stare at you and they say,

"now, that's funny". They're not fun to be around.

- But you're funny. - You think I'm funny?

See, that's why I love you.

- Wait, wait. By love, I meant... - We don't have to talk about it.

Stop now. Look. By love I meant affection.

I have affection towards you.

Then maybe we should get married.

Okay.

- Now that's funny. - Thank you.

- I am funny. - I can hear the applause now.

Kurt, listen to me. You can be jailed for contempt.

I'm not naming names. I'll just take the Fifth.

But you need a good faith reason to invoke the Fifth Amendment.

If you don't have one, and God knows I hope that you don't,

you can still be held contempt.

Who decides if I have a good faith reason?

A judge. Kurt, you're a witness in a grand jury proceeding,

not a gunslinger at the OK Corral. Toughness is not what counts here.

Mister and Missus McVeigh. Hello. You ready?

- Kurt? - I'm ready.

Not you. Diane.

- I'm first? - Yes.

I do go shooting with my husband occasionally.

But I wasn't with him when he allegedly trained some of these men.

So I can't identify them.

Are you sure about that, Miss Lockhart?

I am sure of that, Miss Crozier.

Can I play you a tape recording?

No.

It's a joke. This is your grand jury. You can play anything you want.

Hello? Yes.

I would like to report the name of one of the January sixth rioters

I saw on your poster.

Dylan Pike.

Isn't that your voice,

identifying one of the men that your husband trained?

It is my voice, but...

So, you do in fact know a name.

I didn't get that name from Kurt.

I got that name from our firm's investigator.

And it's the only one I know.

But a moment ago, you said that you didn't know any...

Any of the names.

No, you asked me if I could identify any of the men

that my husband trained, and I said I could not.

And I still cannot.

Okay. If that's how you want to leave it.

Well, this is your questioning. It's where you want to leave it.

Kurt, listen, I need to explain something.

Mister McVeigh? Are you ready?

Please. Can you give us just a minute?

- We need Mister McVeigh now. - Just a minute!

- Did you get a card on your desk? - Yeah.

Mine says good for one joke about little people. What about you?

White Girl Clothes.

- Did you use it? - What's that mean, use it?

I think it means that you're supposed to use this card to tell one joke.

I don't want to tell a joke about White Girl Clothes.

Well, then, you can trade me.

Is this about people making fun of the partners because they think

we're not funny?

I don't know. Maybe we need to look for someone with a Partner's Card.

I want your White Feminist card.

I don't know if I can trust you with it. This is like Park Place.

I'll let you have my jokes about Make-a-Wish Kids.

- I have Ethnic Accents. - I'm really good at doing accents.

What is going on? Who did this?

Who do you think? The mailroom.

We're gonna have to get a handle on this before the streamers come back

because this is not sensitivity read material.

- The Africa one. - The Nigeria one.

That's more Indian. I don't like that one.

- Shit. - What?

HR wants to see me.

Me, too.

The fun's over. Someone talked to HR.

No, here's what we do. Nothing.

We all refuse to go. They can't fire all of us.

Actually, they probably can.

So, we delay.

Everyone says they're busy, which we all are,

and they'll stop by. Next month.

- That's not a bad idea. - I think it is.

- Come on. - Your next witness, buddy.

I'd like to call the inventor of the NFT artwork. Mister Earle.

I want to be clear to the members of the jury

that all witnesses will be fully costumed,

so you have no idea of race or class status.

Easy does it. Dean, help him up?

Wrong way. You're getting cold. There you go.

Welcome. Don't sit on your stinger. Easy.

So, Mister Earle, very simply can you tell us what a NFT artwork is?

It's a unique piece of art made up of a blockchain

that establishes its uniqueness.

The blockchain tech behind NFTs allows us a means of authentication,

allows proof of ownership to be assigned to digital artworks,

which makes collectibles one of a kind.

Mister Cord, hi.

Hi! You're Eli Gold's little girl. His daughter.

Yeah, I saw you last at my work.

That's right. Yeah. Come on. Join me.

This is a thing, isn't it?

Yeah. How do you know about it?

Well, I met the judge at where you work on the elevator.

Sounded interesting, his little project.

- Your Honor, this is prejudicial. - I actually agree.

And I will instruct the jury to disregard,

but my guess is he won't mind because juries can't disregard something

they've already heard.

So before we started, I required both lawyers to give me

photos of themselves in nothing but a diaper and sucking their thumbs.

- Your Honor. I didn't intend... - Yes, you did.

So please disregard this photo you're about to see.

I think you are the next GQ cover, my friend.

So, you're financing this? How much?

Start-up money. Five million.

Why are you interested?

Well, this is the future. We're disrupting things.

Commerce and travel, communications, currency.

Now justice.

The key isn't the money. The key is I'm bringing cases.

To the backroom of a copy store?

Have you ever seen the garage where they founded Hewlett Packard?

It's about a fifth the size of this room, and it's a museum now.

It's our hallowed ground.

Twenty years from now, this will be a museum.

It will be a shrine to justice.

Here comes the defendant.

You remind me of an old joke.

Guy walks into a Florida bar with his alligator and says to the bartender:

"You serve lawyers here?"

Thank you, Mister McVeigh, for responding to our summons.

You're welcome.

McVeigh, that's an unfortunate name.

Any relation?

I've been told by my lawyer to respond to all your questions

I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may tend to incriminate me.

Really? Asking if you're related to the Oklahoma bomber,

that might incriminate you?

I've been told by my lawyer to respond to all your questions

I refuse to answer on the ground that may tend to incriminate me.

Let's turn to January sixth of this year.

All we want to know are the names of the gunmen you trained.

Do you know those names?

I've been told by my lawyer to respond to all your questions

I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may tend to incriminate me.

You have to have a good faith reason to invoke the Fifth Amendment.

You can't just use it to avoid answering questions

because I can hold you in contempt for refusing to answer.

- Is that a question? - Yes.

I've been told by my lawyer to respond to all your questions...

Let's talk about your lawyer.

Because I don't know that she has your best interests at heart.

Let me play you a tape.

Hello? Yes. I would like to report the name

of one of the January sixth rioters I saw on your poster.

Dylan Pike.

No. I'd rather not leave my name.

The only reason that you're here is because your wife is a talker.

Would you like to comment on that?

I've been told by my lawyer...

I should have told you. I'm sorry.

But I knew you'd be upset, so I withheld.

I was wrong.

So what happened? Did you take the Fifth?

Did she allow it?

- Kurt! - I need a new lawyer.

We need to ask everybody to cool it because we're all getting calls from HR.

I didn't even make a joke, and I'm being called.

So, we'll just collect the cards, and we'll just go back to normal.

They were harmless. HR needs to stop harassing us.

Everyone got along. No one got into a fight.

Everybody got that it was a joke. I'm not going up to see them.

- We can't boycott HR. - Why not? Downstairs is.

Because we're adults.

As partners, we work with HR, not against them.

So, nobody here is joining any boycott.

So, we have to go up and be questioned and sensitized again?

Fine. I will go up first and talk to them.

Look who's here. Okay, I will walk them through our work.

I'm sorry I missed you the other day, Mister Wackner.

It couldn't be avoided.

It's no problem. I found it incredibly educational.

Yes, Marisa says that you have been busy.

She also says you have great plans for your court.

Well, if you call great that I finally got a plumber to fix my toilet.

I put in one of those Japanese toilets. Have you used one of those?

The seat's always warm.

I would call great a five-million-dollar investment

Actually, I met Hal right here.

So we have you to thank for bringing us together, Diane.

I'm going to double his retainer so that you can give your full attention

to the Nine and Three Quarters Circuit.

Kind of attention it really deserves.

- Would you like my advice? - Yes.

You can't be judging cases thrown at you by David Cord

if David Cord is financing your court. That is corruption.

I have absolutely no vested interest in any of these cases. None.

Well, how is that possible?

I'm stepping away from my businesses. I want to work on this country.

l want to bring it back. I'm retiring.

I know my promise won't do much good here.

But I don't care if Jesus himself financed my court.

I'd cash his checks. I'd judge against him.

I'm the most untouchable man on earth.

You know why? I got nothing to lose and nothing to gain.

That's a Todd Snyder song.

Okay, gentlemen. What advice do you need?

As you can see, we offered alternate lines when appropriate.

Yeah. I can see that. This is a very thorough work.

- I won't say it was easy. - You know what they say.

Comedy's hard. Right, Morgan?

Not done yet.

We really liked the original pages.

Just so you know. We have other services, too.

Our litigation department is one of the best in the country.

You don't like it?

No. I love it.

This is...

This is the funniest thing I've read in years.

This is the funniest thing from a lawyer

since Dershowitz stripped down for a massage.

We can take another look at it.

Morgan, we don't want to get cancelled, okay?

You're right. You're right to be worried.

In fact, I will give you a list of Twitter cancellers

that you can put on stage when I get canceled.

I'm sure they're just as funny. Maybe not as funny as this,

but this is gonna be hard to beat.

If you read what I read... Do we have the same copy?

Because, haish, you guys, funny.

I know comedy, and this is... You're too good. I get it.

This though. Wait a minute. Norwegians. Did you see that part?

Get out with the Norwegians. Who came up with the Norwegians?

You? Maybe you?

You guys are all gonna be big on TikTok.

Because anybody that says Norwegians as a punchline is too good.

It's too good. It's so good, I'm quitting the business. Finally.

Well, this was helpful.

Our firm can handle all your needs.

I'll be in touch. Miss Reddick.

Mister Cooper.

It makes me laugh. I'm quitting show business.

That was fucked.

David, they asked us for a sensitivity read, not to redefine comedy.

No, they asked us to sign a client, you and I.

A massive client and we failed.

You failed.

Why don't to just take your hardnosed asshole tactics back upstairs?

- I'm your boss, Liz! - No! My boss is your boss.

And he is somewhere in Dubai.

And you and I don't even know his name.

So, stop the shit and work with me. I'll talk to Del later.

That was nicely done. Very Boseman-like.

I know.

Hey. I recognize you. How do I recognize you?

Chicago Improv. 2008.

Yeah. You were great.

- Thanks, man. - Hal Wackner. David Cord.

Del Cooper.

- Thanks. - What are you doing now, Del?

I own a comedy streaming service. You?

- I invented a court. - I finance it.

Now, that's a funny idea.

Then maybe we should talk, huh?

Jay.

- Did you talk to Dylan Pike? - I did. Just today.

And he's saying that Kurt is the ringleader?

Yep.

How? What else?

Diane, you're not...

Kurt said you're not his lawyer anymore.

Julius is his lawyer.

- You need me? - Yes. The Kurt McVeigh case.

Good. Come on in.

Thank you for your concern up here in Human Resources.

We appreciate it. But I just want to insist

that this was just a bunch of lawyers blowing off steam

and satirizing the sensitivity,

the justifiable sensitivity of corporate culture.

Nobody complained about being the butt of a joke because,

as you can see, everyone was the butt of a joke.

Everybody had a card. Everybody was being made fun of.

Look, there's even a card with my name on it

that someone from the mailroom used to tell a joke

about how far a stick was up my ass.

Who from the mailroom?

- No. - We just want to talk to him.

No, I was the butt of that joke. And then I got to say a joke about them.

So, no, you're not going to review this.

- We can go upstairs. - There is no upstairs.

There's always upstairs.

You know what? Let's see.

Here you go.

You have a card that says black boss.

I'm Black, and I'm a boss. So go ahead.

Hold on. Here we go.

I have one that says Human Resources.

So, I get to tell a joke about you.

And then you get to tell a joke about me.

- Why would I do that? - Because we're human.

Okay, here I go.

How many Human Resources people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?