Original subtitles

- ? Look up there ? - ? What do you see? ?

? Nature and stuff ?

- ? Like a rock ? - ? And a tree ?

? Oh, the Great North ?

? Way up here, you can breathe the air ?

? Catch some fish ?

? Or gaze at a bear ?

? Wow ?

? Oh, the Great North ?

? Here we live, oh, oh ?

? Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ?

? From longest night to longest day ?

? In the Great North. ?

(cheering)

Lordy, lordy, looks who's Londra.

Not now, Beef. I'm very mad,

and just moments away from pinching Tony.

I just haven't decided where yet.

Sorry, Londra, but the wholesale price of salmon

really is a dollar a pound today.

You shut your lying fish mouth! It should be double that.

Let's pinch him together. Legs or butt?

Hey, those Fish in a Barrel vending machines

have been driving prices down.

And now they put one in right here in Lone Moose.

- Over by the gazebo. - My God.

Hey, buds. You two done selling yet?

I don't want to rush you,

but I have to go pick up Caviar, my dog.

And then I have to pick up caviar, the food, for us to eat.

- He's super picky. - Craig, did you hear?

There's one of those vile

Fish in a Barrel machines in Lone Moose.

I heard, but when I drove by earlier

there was no line in it, so I'm not stressed.

I'm sure Lone Moosers are too sensible

to buy fish excreted from a robot.

Ugh. I just hope it's less attractive

than Rosie from The Jetsons.

I used to dream about her and her vacuum.

I was the rug.

KIMA: Wow.

Reese Witherspoon truly transformed herself

for this role.

So brave to try brown hair.

Can you turn down the volume a little?

(scoffs) We actually can't, Dad.

This is important research.

So, kindly take your patriarchal ears elsewhere.

Research for what?

Well, Walter, if you recall,

Kima and I are about to go up to the only all-women

smoke jumper base in Alaska for the next three days.

We've been selected to be

Little Smokies Junior Smoke Jumpers.

Yeah, Dad, it's our dream and we finally got it.

Oh, how long has it been your dream, Kima?

- (scoffs) For at least a month. - Oh, wow.

And I cannot wait to work with my feminist hero,

aka my mother, aka your amazing wife, Walter.

I know who my wife is, Kima, and I wish both of you

would stop calling me Walter in that tone.

- BOTH: No, Walter. - That's fine, too.

OMG, what if we get to go out on a real call?

I mean, it's not fire season, but fingers crossed.

Did you just wish for a wildfire?

- BOTH: Walter. - Yep. Yep. Got it.

Working side by side with your mom will be so inspiring.

And here she is now.

Yep, two years ago, her crew's pack certification run

was the fastest in the whole state, right, Mom?

Oh, crap, I forgot we got to do

that frigging pack test again next week.

Well, it'll be easy compared to the weekly

hundred pounds of laundry this family goes through.

I still can't believe we made the cut.

You're the only two that applied.

Well, regardless, I cannot wait

to jump out of a plane with you,

my feminist ideals intact,

my hair blowing beautifully in the wind.

You won't be jumping, Judy.

And I hate when my hair blows in the wind.

I've got a full bald patch in the back

from where it got singed during a forest fire.

You're gorgeous.

ALL: Walter, no!

WOLF: All right, new stamp day at the post office.

- Let's load out. - (Gasps) Oh, God.

People are using that thing?

WOLF: You coming into the post office, Dad?

BEEF: I am not. I'm busy trying to set

that Fish in a Barrel machine on fire with my eyes.

Okay, Dad. Good luck, miss ya.

Hey, Dad. We brought back lunch. You should

- probably eat something. - (growls)

Fifteen people have come and gone from that thing.

Don't they know just a mile away

there's a vending machine called the ocean?

Okay. Uh, well,

I guess we'll run a couple more errands.

Hey, Dad. We walked all the way to the mall and back.

And here you are, still staring in that very fun way.

You want to move over and I can drive us home?

(both grunting)

Don't worry, Dad, I'm taking a picture

of the vending machine so you can glare at it at home.

(groaning) No, no.

? ?

Huh?

You've been reassigned.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Reminder, you may not

use the bathroom during work hours.

For maximum efficiency, please urinate in your work diaper.

Aah! (exclaims)

I can't let robots take over the ocean.

All right, I'm off to fight fires and save lives.

Just like Reese Witherspoon's character

Carol Smoke in Branded By Fire.

Great movie, even better tagline:

"Where there's fire, there's Carol Smoke."

Okay, we'll see you in three days, Jude.

Listen to Esther and, you know,

don't get all burned up in a fire.

All right, I will also catch you all later.

I must go see Craig and Londra.

I have to stop the ocean robots

before they make me wear a work diaper.

Good for you, Dad. Your body, your rules.

(doorbell rings)

BRB, Jorgen.

A Beef and Londra pop-in.

I'm playing VR Hold'em with some friends in Norway.

You guys want in?

This isn't a social visit, I'm afraid.

Beef thinks we ought to do something

about that Fish in a Barrel machine.

It's already affecting prices.

Next thing you know, we'll all be

pooping our pants at the fish factory.

- You okay there, bud? - No, I'm not okay.

That's why we need to take down Fish in a Barrel.

It's an existential threat to our livelihood.

I don't know, man. I'm doing all right.

I just put a mural of myself as a centaur in the shower.

It really gets me pumped in the morning.

But, Craig, what about all our fellow fisher people?

What about Rosa and Juan?

And Corduroy Paul? And even Ivan.

Yes, he's too old to fish

and he steers his boat into us all the time,

but I don't want him to go broke because of Fish in a Barrel.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's a lot to think about there.

Also, I don't want to freak you out,

but what if this were to make you a little less rich?

(gasps) Anders, cash me out.

You know I'm not a greedy guy,

but all I care about is my money, so I'm in.

All right, we need to put our heads together and figure out

how to get Fish in a Barrel out of Lone Moose.

Tasty and convenient seafood at bargain basement prices?

It makes me sick.

Fish in a Barrel's a huge company.

So we got to think big.

Ooh, how about some bad Yelp reviews?

We could say, "I don't like this."

Ha, gonna be hard to recover from that.

I meant big like we shut down the power grid

so the machines can't run,

like Toretto did in Fast Four-ious.

Blow up the power grid?

I love it. I'll call my guy.

I think there's a way to do this without committing crimes.

If people want to buy their seafood out of a machine,

then why don't we just make our own?

Oh, we talking about a RoboCop kind of thing?

I'll have the surgery.

Hollow me out, put the fish in my belly.

I love that you'd do that, son,

but let's try using the van first.

Oh, man, here we go.

Our lives are totally about to cha... Huh.

This place looks... different than I imagined.

(chuckles) Okay, what were you imagining?

I thought there'd be, like, inspirational posters.

And a bunch of drinkable yogurts in the fridge.

And maybe, like, a picture of the misogynist police chief

- with darts in it. - And where's the trophy

for getting the fastest pack certification time in Alaska?

- (indistinct chatter) - Oh, hey, guys.

We got ourselves some little smokies.

Oh, hell, yeah. The maids are here.

- You all know my daughter Kima. - Hey.

- Hi. - This is her friend Judy. - Hello.

Could her friend Judy go get me my slippers from my room?

I'd get them myself, but I'm not gonna.

(gasps) I know what we should do...

(singsongy): makeovers.

A makeover's not gonna help you with Dino.

- He slid into my DMs last night. - Oh, yeah?

Well, how about I slide my fist into your face?

Are you still fighting over Dino?

I thought he was in jail for stealing those nuns' identities.

- Well, now he's out. - And he's hot.

So, uh, Mom, what do we do first...

Clear some brush, take a jog?

(laughs) Uh, how about you two clear some plates

and then take a jog into the kitchen

and clean up in there.

And what will you guys be doing? Taking a jog?

(chuckles) That's hilarious, no.

We're gonna sit around and talk crap

about the smoke jumpers who aren't here,

so try and wash the dishes quietly, okay?

JUDY: Wow.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. This is gross.

I want to put rubber gloves on but there seems to be

only one set and they're filled with baked beans.

Am I crazy or are there clothes in the sink?

Yeah, I definitely see a bra.

Ugh. I did not think that joining the smoke jumpers would

- just mean doing housework. - Kima, remember the movie?

This happened in Branded by Fire.

When Reese got there and she had to do all the chores

to prove herself? We're being hazed.

Oh, right. When Carol Smoke first arrived,

they made her polish all their boots with her toothbrush

and do all the dishes.

We just have to tough it out and then, one night,

they'll wake us up and summon us and call us newbs.

Yeah, but in a fun way. And they'll say, "You passed.

You're in the Sorority of Soot and Cinders now."

It'll be just like the movie. I mean,

we won't be awarded a patch for our jackets

from our station chief Nicole Richie. But what if we were?

HONEYBEE: Driving around, selling seafood out of a van. I love it.

Can I tell the van is supposed to be a fish?

No. Does it get me talking? Sure.

- (phone chimes) - Ooh. Maybe it's our first online order.

I don't think that's possible. No one's seen the van yet.

You're right, it is a message from a woman named Claudia

who is lonely and needs a thousand dollars.

What do I do?

Would two hundred be enough, you think?

- Beef, no. - Ready in here.

Chest freezer's plugged into the power strip.

Which is plugged into the van's cigarette lighter.

I caught fire a little

when I turned it on, but I'm okay.

We're gonna do what that vending machine can't:

- move around. - And...

(grunting) I'm gonna do a little dance

outside the van to attract attention.

Oh, and I can play my saxophone.

And I could do the hambone.

(grunting) Hambone!

Vaudeville-style showmanship and fresh seafood?

An irresistible combination.

? ?

? Ooh, selling stuff out of your van, it's hella tough... ?

Is this an ice cream truck?

No, buddy, we sell fish.

Ice cream sandwich, please.

- Again, we sell fish. - One goldfish, please.

Not pet fish. Fish for eating.

Okay. I'll just have the ice cream.

- Get away from here. - ? Ooh, it's kinda rough ?

? When no one buys the fish out of your car ?

- ? But there you are, oh, there you are ? - (growls)

? Ooh, selling stuff ?

- ? Out of your van ? - Dad, no one's buying fish

- ? It's hella tough ? - from our fish van.

- ? It's rough. ? - Maybe we ought to head home?

(groans) Fine.

I just need to take care of one thing first.

Santiago, how could you? Principal Gibbons, you too?!

Well, the price is incredible.

Plus, it's shaped like a barrel. How fun is that?

That's it!

No one's eating from the vending machine.

- Not anymore! - Dad, no!

- No! - (grunting)

Stop trying... to fight me.

(grunting)

Ow! Oh, God.

- I'm fine. - Beef, let's go.

(grunts) That's right, Barrel, you better run.

WOLF: Guys, I'm worried about Dad.

His beefmelt over this machine is a full-blown BM.

Hey, Beef.

- Ivan. - Eh?

Is that a Fish in a Barrel shirt?

Yup. I fish for them now. I need the supplemental income.

Ivan, no!

You guys were right all along.

- It's time for crimes. - (gasps)

Revenge is a fish best served cold.

So, we're sure we want to steal the vending machine?

We're not stealing it, we're just setting it free.

You hear that, lil bud? You're free.

(grunting)

And now we leave this vending machine here

in the middle of the woods where it can be enjoyed

by who it should be enjoyed by...

absolutely no one.

Kima, wake up. You and Judy

- come downstairs quickly. - Hmm? Huh? Judy,

wake up. It's happening.

- The hazing is over. - Huh, huh?

We're joining the Sorority of Soot and Cinders.

- Here we go. Oh. Hmm. - Whoa. What's going on?

The new season of Yosemite surprise-dropped at midnight.

Gonna binge all 13 hours.

Oh, and you want us to...

To get us beers and stuff.

Oh, and we need you to press "next" when it comes up.

Our autoplay doesn't work.

ABIGAIL: Oh, and bring me a mug with nacho cheese.

No chips. I use my fingers as the dippies.

ESTHER: Ooh, look at Steve Buscemi.

I'd love to take a swim in those bulging, psychotic eyes.

Yup. Still in the haze phase.

BEEF: Ah. There's some of my favorite children

and some of my favorite children's wives.

Good morning.

Please enjoy this breakfast

made by a human, not a machine.

(chuckles) I love to see my Bisquick bad boy in a good mood.

I thought once we were done eating,

we could take a quick drive by the gazebo

to enjoy the new peaceful vista.

Fish sticks.

- The bitch is back. - BEEF: What?

No. Craig, you're not gonna believe this,

but there's a replacement Fish in a Barrel machine

set up already.

Huh, I've got some bad news, too.

People found the vending machine we stole

and they're using it.

We should have dumped it in the ocean.

The sea has been through enough this week.

It's time to take this all the way to the top.

I hope this robot full of fish is ready to confront a man

full of principles.

JUDY: Kima, after nine straight hours

of watching five grown women bingeing this honestly

very terrible show about a ruthless and powerful family

of Yosemite park rangers,

I think I've come to a realization.

- What's that? - I don't think we're being hazed.

I think they're... uninspired.

- I think they're in a funk. - Uh, yeah.

I mean, none of them have peed in nine hours.

Or they have. Ew, which is even worse.

The recertification pack test is just a week away.

I think we need to help them

get their firefighting groove back.

- Oh, like an intervention? - Yes.

We just need to think, like,

what would inspire your mom and her crew?

I know. What if we make them our own hundred-pound packs?

And put together an obstacle course,

just like the one Reese Witherspoon did in...

- Branded by Fire. - Oh, I was gonna say

her episode of Celebrity Hide-and-Go-Seek.

But yeah, that too.

It's so sad that they never found

- Clay Aiken after his episode. - Maybe he'll turn up.

BEEF: We'd like to speak to

whoever is in charge of the vending machines.

You guys seem really angry with my bosses.

I hate them, too, so I'm gonna let you up.

Take the elevators up to the fifth floor.

Don't stop on any other floor. No reason.

Dang, I'm sorry, but Ron Perlman can get it.

Yeah, him playing Steve Buscemi's son

makes no sense, but it works for me somehow.

Yep. I'm trying to date this whole family.

Ugh, this room is disgusting. Where are our maids?

Kima? Judy?

Huh. Where are all of our cups?

And our PS3 and Rock Band instruments are gone, too.

So are the spare tires from the trucks.

Did we get robbed by a burglar with very specific interests?

Huh, you did not. The only thing that has been robbed

is your inspiration. But we brought some with us.

We are gonna help you get back in firefighting shape

- for your pack test. - Come with us.

What the hell am I looking at here?

We made you guys some DIY hundred-pound packs...

And... (imitates fanfare)

an obstacle course using tires and hoses from the shed.

ESTHER: What? No.

Those shouldn't be out here.

We need them stored in a specific place

so we can load them quick when a call comes.

It's fine, it's not fire season.

That doesn't mean fires can't ever happen.

Climate change.

Ugh. Everybody, let's go start dismantling those packs.

- But... - And having you two here was a mistake.

Go get your stuff.

I'm taking you back to Lone Moose.

- What? - What? No.

And as punishment, we're listening to your cousin Sam's

Sublime cover band, Sam-blime, all the way home.

But that CD is just "Santeria" 14 times in a row.

You bet it is.

CHAB: Hello, hello. Welcome to

Fish in a Barrel. Now, my assistant tells me

you're having issues with our machine?

Did the fish come out of the machine partially alive again?

- Uh, no. - (laughs) Of course not.

That hasn't happened at all. I was just guessing.

Actually, we're here about the very existence of the machines.

Your vending machines are killing the fishing industry

by driving down the price of seafood.

- (chuckles): Oh, I hear you brother. - You do?

No, no. Sorry. I'm on a phone call.

Okay. Bye-bye. Uh, go on.

The machines are also an environmental nightmare

and very heavy to lift. Probably.

And what does the wealthier gentleman think?

Or your secretary?

Hey! I'm a captain.

Oh, I love that. A real woman fisherman?

What? (laughs)

To answer your question, I agree with Beef.

I love a good capitalism, but this is a capa-too-far.

I agree.

Oh, I love when she talks.

Why do I love that so much?

Fish in a Barrel isn't killing the industry.

- It's evolving it. - What do you guys do again?

You're a secretary, and you two...

We all fish professionally.

- All of us. - DALTON: Sure, sure, sure.

So say you've had a long day at the office.

And you would love some seafood.

On demand, at the push of a button.

No. I don't want fish at the push of a button.

Nobody should. The three of us

use our hands and our nets to catch the fish

that ends up on your plate.

I get what you're saying.

You love to eat fish, but the last thing you want

is a bunch of people getting in the way

of your seafood dinner.

Oh, my God. You're not listening.

Those people are me.

Okay, okay. What if you were to join our family?

Fish for us.

You'll find we are paying more per pound

than your local processor.

Because you've driven that price down.

Yeah, we have! (laughs)

I am gonna high-five one of them in the head.

We would never join your family.

A negotiator. Love it.

What if we throw in a tote bag?

Oof, I'm still gonna say no, man.

We're not fishing for your mega-corp.

Okay, how does this per-pound rate sound?

Are th... are those boobs?

Oh, yeah, sorry. My hand just

kind of automatically draws those.

Here you go.

This is what we're prepared to do for you.

And here's what I'm prepared to do.

(grunting)

- Uh, what are you doing? - I'm trying to flip the table.

- (grunting) - Oh, yeah,

that's screwed into the floor there, big boy.

(laughs) You're not the first to try that.

Let's us big boys do it together.

(all grunting)

It's very funny when the girl one is mad, no?

You know, I'm scared right now, but I also love it.

I've never seen your dad wear a robe before.

- Is he depressed? - Seems like.

Dad wearing a robe is like

someone else being completely nude.

(groans) All right, everyone,

let us now consume these seafood products.

Dad, is this fish from the...

Yup. Fish from the machine.

Time to accept that I'm the dinosaur

and those vending machines are the meteors.

Is it just me or does this taste... off?

Hmm. Hmm.

This isn't snapper. This is tilapia.

Try my halibut.

Holy mackerel.

But not literally, 'cause that's not mackerel,

but it's not Alaskan halibut either,

it's Greenland turbot.

- I smell... - Fish fraud.

I was gonna say one of your silent excitement farts.

Oh, you're smelling that, too.

I'm very excited to take these mother-fishers down.

(Judy clears throat)

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, before we go, we wanted to say something.

We're sorry, everybody.

We thought this was gonna be just like a movie,

- but it's real life and... - (alarm bell ringing)

- Mom? - Brush fire. Cooper Landing.

I guess you two are coming along. Let's go.

Judy, if I die,

tell your dad that you're grounded

for two weeks for that obstacle course crap.

- Yeah, will do, Esther. - BRB!

- Hell yeah! - (whooping)

My mom is so cool.

Yeah, I guess they didn't need two idiots

with no experience to come in and show them

how to be better smoke jumpers after all.

Uh, nope. They did not.

I know they're not actually fighting that fire in slow mo,

but it kind of feels like

they're fighting that fire in slow mo.

And I'm definitely hearing that song

Chandace Wisdom sang for the end credits.

? I used to be just a Macy's buyer ?

BOTH: ? But then I changed careers after my divorce ?

? And now I'm ?

? Branded by fire. ?

(clears throat) Hello. Hi, everyone.

I have, um, an announcement.

This vending machine company is doing massive fish fraud.

The halibut is turbot. The snapper is tilapia.

And after a lot of chewing and a disgusting Internet search,

I've figured out that the squid is pig sphincter.

- That's the B-hole. - (gasps)

I know. But in a way, it doesn't matter

if the fish is fake or real.

This barrel... it's a trap. It's easy.

It's convenient. But it isn't... it isn't right.

Look, we've always supported each other's businesses.

Heck, we even kept going to Granny Harriet's lemonade stand

after half the town was poisoned.

I apologized.

And we forgave you. And I can forgive you guys

for wanting to try something new.

But I can't forgive you if you keep pretending

- it doesn't hurt anybody. - Beef is right.

From now on I-I won't buy fish from the vending machine.

- Thank you. - Me too.

I'll only buy shrimp.

What? Santiago, No.

- It was worth a try. - (siren whoops) - (gasps)

Please step away from the vending machine.

What's going on? Is this about the fish fraud?

No. This is about Fish in a Barrel's

real business: weapons in a bunker.

The fish business was just a cover.

They were making illegal offshore weapons deals

while they were out on the water.

- (shrieks) - Oh, right. And they were also

tangled up in bootleg breakfast cereals.

They seized a massive shipment

of Fruit Lops and Raisin Brian in the Bering Sea.

Well, that's that. The machines have been defeated.

Hell yeah, they have. And, Dad, when we get home,

I'm gonna put the laptop in the toilet.

- Just for you. - Wonderful.

- (whoops) - Cheers. - Cheers, ladies!

Mom, we're sorry.

We just thought you guys were in a funk.

Well, girls, you got to remember this isn't a movie.

And we're not in a funk, we just love our downtime.

It means that for five glorious moments,

there's not a disaster.

- We-we get that now. - Eh, you made a mistake.

But otherwise, you did a pretty good job

doing all the gross stuff we don't want to do

around the base.

You even found my favorite bra in the sink.

That's not nothing. There.

Now you're official Little Smokies Smoke Jumpers.

(gasps) Does this mean we get to stay until tomorrow?

If it means our dishes get done for one more night,

then, hell yeah, newb.

Hey, Beef. Nice to have the prices back up.

It is. And I'm no longer worried

about having to wear a work diaper.

Glad to hear it, Beef.

(sighs) Lordy, lordy, look who's fishing.

? I thought my life was picture-perfect ?

? But then I found out he was cheating ?

? Got divorced, cut my hair short ?

? Oh, I was so damn defeated ?

? But then a sudden spark ?

? I stepped up out of the dark ?

? I quit my job as a Macy's buyer ?

? Now I'm branded by fire ?

? Where there's fire there's Smoke ?

? The flames of determination ?

? Have been stoked, have been stoked ?

? I left my ex, picked up an axe ?

? Traded my high heels in for flats ?

? And now I'm branded by fire. ?

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