Original subtitles

The Yankees will be riding in any day now, Pablo.

Why is this dig taking so long?!

Well, General. It's your daughter. The men find her...

Distracting.

They think she may be a descendent of El Diablo!

The black clothes? The white make up?

Hey! I know it's a wild look for 1846 but that could be a popular style one day!

When the time comes, she'll fit right in.

Señor Pablo! Señor Pablo, we found something!

The golden chalice!

Careful, General! These walls flow with evil you can't imagine!

This is the Ancient Wall of Colo-Colo.

It tells the history of the chalice and its true power.

We'll need to decipher this first.

The ancient architects did everything to ensure

nobody could escape with the chalice!

If we touch it, we'll all die.

Raven! No!

Raven!

Raven!

So as you all know, my nephew Blake is still pretty sick,

and now his mother can no longer pay for his treatment.

I'm late.

Anyway, I started a website

where you can easily make a contribution of any size...

Oh, what? My outfit?

Alright, if you're gonna hassle me about it I'll spill the beans.

You're no longer looking at Stebe Hornsby.

You're looking at Showbiz Stebe Hornsby.

'Cause I just landed the biggest brand integration deal

in our company's history. This fall, Royal Crackers

will be featured on an episode of "Casa De Papa,"

the biggest sitcom in Latin America.

We Hornsbys have been invited to watch the live studio taping

in beautiful, sunny...

Burbank.

Burbank?! The mecca of show business?!

- Surely you jest. - I'm so jealous right now.

Stebe! We've been dreaming

about a Burbank vacation since we were teenagers!

But, one day, life takes over, and suddenly it's not so easy

to hop onto I-5 and cruise on down to the 'Bank.

Look, don't wanna brag, but unlike you civilians,

I've been to Burbank.

And even if Stebe is a super-cool

Hollywood producer now, we can't roll into that place

driving that rust bucket of ours. We'll be laughed at.

This is Jay Leno country we're talking about here.

- He's right. - Yeah.

Ooh. Why don't we rent a car, Stebe?

Like a Hummer.

Then we can fit the whole family.

You, me, Theo, Matt, our luggage,

your dad.

Don't you think he'd want to see his son become the new Harvey Weinstein?

Hey. My cousin Ray is the manager down at Rent-A-Whip.

He can give us a great deal on a Hummer.

Let me take care of it.

Well... was gonna have Pacino drop off the private jet

but I guess I can call it off.

- Our resident court jester over here. - Oh, Stebe.

Where's Darby with his Hummer?

I swear to God if we don't get there before the IKEA closes,

I'm gonna lose my shit.

It's been over 9 minutes.

Should we call the police?

Have you lost your mind? Don't even talk like that.

You know the rule in this family...

No cops... ever.

Hey, there he is.

Darby, what is this?

Where's the Hummer, Darby?

I got to thinking. A Hummer is nice and all.

But I seem to remember you boys

telling me about a certain car you've been dreaming

about since you were dick high...

a 1996 Dodge Viper.

Darby, that's a Saturn.

- No, it's not. - That's definitely a Saturn.

It says "Saturn" on it. No, it...

Th... This is the Viper you've always wanted.

It's not, Darby.

Our dream car is a red '96 Dodge Viper.

The one that was offered as a McDonald's Monopoly prize in '95.

We spent an entire summer trying to find that goddamn Atlantic Avenue piece.

Only to find out that the whole game was scammed

by some asshole in Florida,

as explained in the documentary "Super Size Me."

My brother's right.

Except he's citing the wrong documentary.

He's thinking of "McMillions" on HBO Max.

We shoved fast food down our fat gullets

every single day trying to win that car.

You have any idea what kinda toll that takes on the human body, Darby?

Watch "Super Size Me" to find out.

The point of the Hummer was that our luggage

and the whole family could fit.

Now someone has to stay here.

You may have caused a suicide here.

You do realize that, don't you?

You know what, Darb? Now that my father has to miss out on Burbank,

you're gonna take care of him and the house.

There better not be as much as a scratch on his dick when we get back.

Or the house.

Theo, it... it kinda means the world to me that Dad comes on the trip.

I love you,

but can you maybe skip Burbank this weekend?

Please?

- For me? - That depends.

Can you handle coming home to my shit-covered corpse

hanging in your bedroom?

Bye. Have a good trip.

Well, Theodore, looks like we're in for another one

of our classic fuckboy weekends.

Wish I could go back to '95 and pull that off.

Oh, my God, that's the soundstage for "Straight Goofin.'"

And there's "Just in the Knick of Tim."

Um, I could get used to this.

This is hard to explain, but... I feel like I was always meant to be here,

like I'm finally home.

Excuse me. You lost?

We didn't do anything.

We thought about going on the set of "Bar Buddies"

to take a picture as though it was a real bar,

but then keen-eyed fans of the show

would see that we were actually on the set of "Bar Buddies."

But we didn't. We didn't do that.

I swear to God we didn't.

Wait a minute.

I recognize that voice.

You are Stebe Hornsby, yes?

Yeah. That's right. Who's askin', Jack?

Señor Hornsby, it's me.

Juan-Carlos Pozole.

Executive producer on "Casa De Papa."

We met over Zoom, remember?

Oh. How's it going, Mr. Pozole?

Call me Juan-Carlos.

Listen, I'm on my way to the set right now.

Why don't you hop on? And I'll drive you there.

Delete the "Bar Buddies" pics...

immediately.

Ha. Well, we're off to a fantastic start.

Remember this? I did this little number at the company Christmas party last year,

and everyone got so freaked out they put me on medical leave for a month.

Ha ha!

Joey, there's a full dance crew tearing it up in there.

What? The house was supposed to be empty.

Ah, man, maybe we should leave. I don't wanna go back to jail.

I-I mean, how do we know the chalice is even in there?

What if this Theo guy took it with him to Burbank?

Not a chance.

You heard what The Traveler said.

It only leaves his house when he's on tour.

Calls it his "Stage Cup."

Okay. And what do you want to do

about those five phenomenal dancers in there?

I don't know, Danny.

But The Traveler gave us a job,

and if we don't deliver, there'll be hell to pay.

I ain't leaving here without that golden chalice.

Then every wiseguy in Bakersfield's

gonna wanna hire The Earl Grey Bandits.

Alright. Cut!

This is awesome.

I don't even need to know Spanish

'cause the studio audience tells me when to laugh.

Hey, how are my V.I.P.s doing over here?

You enjoying the show? Sure.

But what I'm not enjoying is this cucumber water.

I specifically requested half sparkling, half still.

This is all sparkling.

My throat is on fire right now.

My sincerest apologies, Mr. Hornsby.

I'll have my assistant bring you another.

Stebe, I want to jump your freaking bones right now.

Save it for the Burbank Holiday Inn Jacuzzi, babe.

Holy shit. There it is.

Ooooh. Logo facing out.

Was part of the deal.

Theo?! Deb?!

Can you help me in here?!

Hey, Danny. He's foolin' us.

There ain't nobody in there.

Think about it, brain bath.

These people just took a trip to Burbank.

That means they're showbiz royalty.

Probably got access to holograms to make it

look like there was a dance party going on.

The guy in there? He's scared.

And he's all alone.

We pull this off and play our cards right,

maybe one day, we'll be able to drive down to Burbank.

Theodore. I think there's burglars outside.

What do we do?

Oh, no. No!

This is not the time for that "no police" mentality of yours.

These guys could be dangerous.

But I swore to you when you fell into your sleep state

that I'd always take care of your family and keep them happy.

Well, I failed today.

I made them sad by renting that ugly-ass car from Rent-A-Whip.

Fine. We'll defend this house ourselves.

...Royal Crackers.

Yuck!

Oooooh! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Ohh!

Can't get enough, can you, Tío Pepe?

Ay.

He must have eaten something earlier that doesn't agree with him.

The Royal Crackers are making me feel sick.

What the hell? He speaks English now?

Royal Crackers.

Royal Crackers!

Royal Crackers!

Y'all picked the wrong house today!

Showtime.

Steps feel a little sticky.

Come and get me, losers.

I don't have any more plans.

Uh, excuse me. Mr. Pozole?

Hey, hey. Señor Hornsby.

The water was not too sparkly, I hope?

The water was always delicious. I was just trying to impress my wife.

The problem is that you've got a character sick and in pain

because he ate my father's crackers.

I know it does not look good right now, but I promise...

You'll be very happy with how the story wraps up.

Ay. Ay.

Okay, thank you, Mr. Pozole.

Ay, gracias. Ay, gracias.

Hey, be careful!

I got Deb that Venetian cabinet for her birthday.

Joey, I've gone through the TainT guy's room

three times now. It ain't in there.

God damn it!

Hey, man. Those are 100% cotton king-sized pillows.

Stebe gets groggy if he sleeps on anything else.

Oh, don't even get me started on Theo's jack towels.

Hey, hey. No. You don't wanna go in there.

Trust me.

Hey, you Hey, you

Hey, you Hey, you

- What was in there? - Huh? Nothing.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Hey, I tried to warn you, dude.

Alright, I give up.

The NuMetal guy's goblet with the ruby in it.

- Where is it? - Theo's Stage Cup?

Ha. I know exactly where it is.

But you can kiss my wrinkly nuts if you think I'm gonna tell you.

Watch it, pal.

You're messing with the Earl Grey Bandits.

It's The Traveler.

She's here.

Hey, the '90s called.

They want their sensibilities back.

I'm The Traveler.

Years ago, I answered a casting call to be an extra in TainT's music video

for the song "Loose Lips" off of their second album.

That day, I wore the golden chalice around my neck to look cool.

It looked so cool, in fact, that during his performance,

Theo Hornsby Jr. dove into the crowd and ripped it right off my neck

so he could take a swig for the camera.

And he never gave it back.

I've traveled a long time to get here, Darby Blarchardt.

So stop wasting any more of it and tell me

where the golden chalice of Colo-Colo is.

- Th... Third. - What did you say?

"Loose Lips" was off their third album.

Poser!

Okay.

We do this the fun way.

...horrible Royal Crackers.

Cut!

Oh, that's it.

Hey. Asshole.

You said I was gonna be happy with this ending.

And I'm not happy.

And I would know. I'm very in touch with my emotions.

Stebe. You were upset that the crackers were hurting Tío Pepe,

and now he is dead.

Would you rather see the character suffer?

No. I wanna see him eat the crackers and say,

"Hey, these are pretty good."

That'd be a great scene. And I'm not even a writer.

Why are you being such a whiny bitch about this, bro?

There was nothing in the deal about a character shitting himself to death

after eating my father's crackers, you dickhead.

You ready to talk?

Or do we need to take this up a notch?

Joey, go out to the van and grab the "Garden State" soundtrack.

No! Enough!

I'll tell you where it is.

It's in the dishwasher downstairs.

You... ran an ancient artifact with magical powers

through a dishwasher?

Theo's never washed the damn thing.

He could get sick.

Here you go, boss.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Sorry I had to rough you up.

Well, it might be a minute before I can accept that.

The path to forgiveness can be a long and windy road,

but you know what I've learned?

Forgiveness... It's not for the other person.

- It's for you. - We'll be out of your way now.

We just wanna leave you with our calling card.

Calling card?

Wh... No! No!

Don't do it. No.

Now you find out why they call us...

Don't you do it, you sons of bitches!

...The Earl Grey Bandits.

Ha ha ha.

Yeah!

No, no.

No. No.

You teabag me before you teabag Theodore.

You teabag me!

Run!

You teabag me!

Mr. Hornsby. Don't go anywhere.

I'm getting that goddamn Stage Cup back.

How are you keeping steady on those Rollerblades?

They got brakes, motherfucker.

I think we lost him.

Oh, no, you don't, bitch.

Mine!

Give. Me. My. Chalice.

Where the heck am I?

Hey. Love those blades, man.

Hot.

The chalice warps you to the year 1995.

Oh-ho-ho, Darby.

What kind of crazy junk are we about to get into?

Holy shit.

I mean, I'm still not seeing the problem, Stebe.

I thought that storyline was hilarious.

Like my man Rogan says, funny is funny.

Honey, you're looking at it all wrong.

"Casa De Papa" made Royal Crackers

look like the greatest laxative in the world.

Do you know how many people suffer from constipation on a day-to-day basis?

Not Latinos.

Those guys are shitting constantly down there.

I'm sorry, guys.

But nothing is gonna cheer me up for a long time.

What the hell? It's the middle of June.

Dad? That you under that bow?

Hey, what's this?

A '96 Dodge Viper!

You did it, Darby. You really did it.

Oh, Darby, you did it again.

What did you get up to while we were away, Darb?

Well, let's just say "McMillions"

is one hell of a documentary.

Darby?! Did you wash my Stage Cup?!

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