Original subtitles

Why am I making this documentary?

Partly because I'm selfish,

because I want to get better, and partly because I know that...

..having anxiety is probably one of the most lonely, most isolating

things to have because you are your own worst enemy

and you live inside your head.

And I know there are thousands of people out there

who suffer just like me.

And we need to talk.

That's half the healing - we need to talk.

I'm Nadiya Hussain.

And I've been living with extreme anxiety

for as long as I can remember.

It's something that I've always tried to hide.

What people don't see is, before I sit in front of a camera,

nobody really sees what it took to put on a smile.

Nadiya!

CHEERING

Nobody sees that.

And I think that's why people will watch this and be surprised.

Hi, how are you? Good, thank you, how are you?

Good... I might seem happy and relaxed...

Thank you so much, thank you.

..but that's not how I feel.

That feeling of worry is always there.

It's so heavy and it just... it doesn't go away.

I can hear the beating of my heart in my chest and then it goes

up to my head, and then I have a panic attack.

And it feels like you're going to die.

Imagine what kind of a life you live,

if you worry about dying every single day.

I think I have an anxiety disorder.

But I've never had a proper diagnosis, so I don't know exactly

what's wrong with me or if I can get better.

So, I've decided it's time to seek help.

What happening now? Tell me what's going through your mind.

I don't like that feeling.

I'll undergo a course of therapy, letting cameras record my progress.

So, you'd feel as if your life was in danger?

It's that same feeling? Yeah.

In the hope of breaking down the stigma

surrounding this crippling condition.

So, I'm really tense. My mouth feels really tense.

It's taking all of my strength to keep my head up.

With five million people in the UK diagnosed with anxiety disorders,

it seems anxiety is on the rise.

Is there a pressure to be perfect? Yeah.

I'm going to explore how other sufferers are coping.

I do still get anxiety attacks and it's...

Even whilst being on the pills? Even whilst on them, yeah.

I'll investigate different treatments.

I'm scared, so, I don't know where to go, what to do.

You're actually OK.

You didn't die, you didn't pass out...

And ask what can be done to help me and millions

of others like me get better.

It's got to a point in my life where that's all I am now.

I'm just the panic.

I'm just the anxiety, and I don't want to be that any more.

Is that OK?

How are you feeling?

I feel sweaty, I feel really hot.

Am I talking to you, or am I talking to camera...?

You're talking to me. Talking to you.

Yeah, suddenly, it all feels really real now.

Like, the mic's on.

I wish I had the answers - I don't have the answers

and this is why I'm doing this.

I'm sweating so much. Oh, my God!

My face is so hot.

I thought this was going to be really easy.

I thought I could do this.

OK.

Anxiety is an emotion we all experience from time to time.

But the difference for me is that it's often an overwhelming

feeling I can't control...

What are you making? Brownies.

..which is tough on me but also hard for my kids

and my husband, Abdal.

Can I have a cup of tea? Yeah, sure.

Seeing as you weren't going to offer.

Milk, please.

Milk, no sugar. No sugar, thank you.

I worry about the most ridiculous things.

Things that my mind doesn't need to be cluttered with.

I know that.

I worry about everything. I can't even...

I worry about everything. You name it, I worry about it.

Everything is a worry.

Do you remember that time we did a food shop and I needed coriander?

They substituted it for parsley.

In what world is coriander anything like parsley?

I couldn't see past that and remember I told you,

"Get the kids out of here because I don't want them to see me

"have a panic attack"?

That was quite scary. When I saw that... Slightly ashamed.

..I thought she was having a heart attack.

At the time I was so worried.

Whatever it is it looked like something that needs an ambulance.

Just give it a little mix until there's no flour at the bottom.

Let me go find some eggs. OK.

Hey, girls.

The only time I've actually really tried to work out what my anxiety

feels like is when I knew that I had to explain it to my kids.

To me it's like a monster.

Now, some days, it feels like the monster is so big, so huge,

that it's in my face and I can't do anything cos I can't see past it.

It's there screaming and shouting at me and it's just...

I can't do anything, I can't function, I can't move,

and I just stay in bed.

The only way I've found to stop my anxiety spiralling out of control

is to distract myself by keeping busy.

I feel less anxious when I have a routine

and I know what I'm doing and when I'm doing it.

So, can you tell me your routine?

Like day to day? Yeah.

So, go from the very beginning. OK.

ALARM BELL RINGS

I try and start every day exactly the same way.

5, 530, just before the sun rises, I get up and I'll pray.

Once I've prayed, come down, give the kids breakfast, seven o'clock.

After dropping them off at school I'll go for a 5K walk.

And after I've finished my morning routine I keep my mind busy

with my work.

For me, cooking's a distraction. Baking's a distraction.

So, I'll cook and bake a lot more than we can physically eat.

It's a vicious cycle, I just keep doing it, I keep doing it.

When anxiety hits I like to bake. Let me show you.

Carrot cake,

coffee marble Bundt thingy,

some brownies.

and there's salted caramel in the fridge.

Despite all my efforts, I still have regular panic attacks

and I've decided it's finally time to do something about it.

I think we should just look up... I'm just going to look up anxiety.

Yeah, cos we're not even sure if there's... Go on, you do it.

Shall we just go to an NHS website, then? Let's go to an NHS.

That's it.

I'm pretty certain I have an anxiety disorder but I've never been

fully diagnosed.

Looking online, anxiety seems to be a general term for a range

of disorders, all of which share similar symptoms.

Ah, symptoms and panic attack.

Symptoms include a racing heartbeat - check. Definitely.

Feeling faint. Mm-hm. Check.

Sweating, nausea, chest pain,

shortness of breath, choking sensation.

Check to all of those.

A feeling of dread or fear of dying.

To me, that's one of the key ones. Yeah.

Everything I do ends with, "I think we're going to die."

Says here people with generalised anxiety disorder,

they don't remember the last time they felt relaxed.

Would you?

Really?

Are you OK?

What are you thinking right now?

What's wrong?

What are you thinking?

It's quite difficult to kind of read about the fact that it's always

like that and you're telling me it is always like that.

I've never...

Asked yourself that question? Yeah.

I've never read those words in that sentence like that before,

that people with that don't ever feel relaxed.

And you agree with that? Yeah.

Oh, my goodness, yeah.

Do you think you want treatment?

I think so, don't you?

You answered that very quickly.

For us... Think about it, for the kids, for me.

I'd feel much more comfortable...

You answer that question, do you want me to get better?

Of course. Why wouldn't I?

You have to take time out to give this a go.

I have to give it a chance, haven't I? Yeah.

I have to give it a chance.

Having started looking, I have more questions than answers.

Why do people get anxiety disorders,

how big a problem is it,

and are any of the treatments effective?

To find out I'm meeting David Clark from the University of Oxford.

The NHS's adviser on improving access to treatment

for anxiety disorders.

Anxiety disorders don't discriminate between people.

Over 25% of us will experience an anxiety disorder

at some time in our life.

So what is anxiety?

Anxiety is an emotion that we all experience

when we are in a situation that we think is dangerous

and we're not sure whether we can deal with the danger.

The problem is, though, if there isn't a real danger,

you're in a situation where you think it's dangerous and it's not,

and that's when you start to develop anxiety disorders.

But anxiety disorders are poorly detected.

So, if you take the other common mental health problem, depression,

and you ask people who've got depression now,

has any professional ever spotted it?

It's about 70% which is quite good.

But if you take anxiety disorders and you ask the same question

it's only about 20% of people.

We know that whether it's people talking more or whether it's always

been there, but there is a rise in anxiety,

but treatment's improving, too.

People are beginning to realise that there are psychological

therapies that really help and the more people become aware

of that the more people are willing to talk about it because it's one

thing to talk about something if you think there's nothing that can be

done about it and you feel ashamed about it.

It's very different if you think, "Well, if I talk about it I can get

"good help and I can really overcome it."

So, the two most effective treatments are medication

and also cognitive behaviour therapy

which looks at helping people challenge their negative thoughts

about how dangerous situations are,

but also change their behaviour when that's maintaining the anxiety.

What I find encouraging talking to David is that there are

effective treatments available.

I'm a little wary of medication,

so I've decided to start with a course of cognitive behavioural

therapy or CBT.

I've been referred by a GP to a specialist in Oxford.

I've been nervous for the last few days

and I keep saying to myself, "Maybe you don't have to do it."

Maybe you could just avoid it for another three decades,

but I can't.

Professor Paul Salkovskis will be my CBT therapist.

In the first session of this structured therapy,

Paul wants to assess the extent of my anxiety

so next time we meet he can give me an exact diagnosis.

This feels like...

..a test I'm failing miserably.

What do you mean?

All of these are severe. All of them are severes.

The fact that I'm finally sat here is quite a big deal for me.

One of the things that stopped me, the only thing that really stopped

me from ever seeing a professional, was the thought that somebody

would say, "You're crazy."

Tie me up, stick me in a white van and take my children away.

A lot of people with anxiety consider that the anxiety itself

might make them unfit to be a parent.

Of course, what anxiety does is it means that you're super sharp

and it's never a reason to take children away from parents. OK.

Can you tell me a bit about the most important ways it restricts

your life and perhaps damages your life?

Erm... I've stopped seeing any friends.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Does that make you at all sad?

So...

Yeah.

"I don't see my friends any more." I mean, my goodness. Yeah.

No, I don't have any friends any more.

"I don't have any friends"? No, I don't have any friends.

You don't have them or you don't see them?

No, I don't have any friends.

OK.

Yeah, I use so much of my energy on just...

..just doing day-to-day stuff.

There's a lot of energy going into keeping an eye open for the anxiety

and the panic, isn't it?

So, it's a permanent distraction kind of thing.

You're constantly doing things which

kind of holds the monster at bay.

That's exactly what I call it. Yeah. OK.

Yeah, I call it my monster.

Were you a child who worried a lot

or do you remember being worried?

I've had this feeling for as long as I can remember.

But I was bullied in primary school up until I left primary school.

What were you bullied about?

Erm, for being dark.

OK. They would wait in corners and pull chunks of my hair out

till it was bleeding.

And they slammed my fingers in doors and all of my nails

eventually fell out because they were all black and blue.

And I think it was my last year of school and they flushed my head

down the toilet.

But did you tell your parents or...?

No, they had lots going on.

They were in and out of hospital quite a lot with my brother

and sister who were really sick,

so I just never said anything.

Knowing that it would not be fair to go and tell them that,

"Mum, I'm being bullied" or "Mum, this boy's hurting me."

Can you see that that might have set you up to be a bit worried later?

Because there was a lot to be worried about.

Yeah, that makes sense.

That was hard, it was really hard

talking about things that have happened in the past.

Paul's doing something that's completely opposite to what I've

been doing all these years.

I've tried to kind of suppress it and dig deep and push it down.

He's saying, "No, let's talk about it a little bit more,

"let's think about why that happened."

And that's something that I haven't done ever.

My past is in Luton where I grew up and where I started

to suffer from anxiety.

I'm a first generation British Bangladeshi and I lived here

until I was 20 with my five brothers and sisters.

This is your world. This is it, yeah.

This is my world.

It's changed a little bit since I was here last.

My sisters still live in the area.

Hi! Only me, let me in.

Growing up, although they saw how bad my anxiety was,

we never really talked about it.

Hey. Hey.

Look at my eyebrows. They're horrendous!

What happened to his top lip?

You look cute!

I look like a little chocolate drop!

Talking in therapy has made me realise that serious health issues

in my family could have been one of the triggers for my anxiety

as a child.

That's our little brother and he is only a couple

of days old there.

When he was born I spent probably close to six months

just watching his chest go up and down in the fear

that he would just die.

Both my youngest brother and sister had life-threatening diseases

when they were born.

Do you remember when I was like seven or eight and I'd get

really emotional and start crying?

Like, if mum would go out somewhere, really quickly nip out, and we know

she's had cross words with Dad. "Oh, she's never going to come back!"

I used to take it to the extreme.

Yeah, you would be absolutely hysterical and I used to think,

I used to look at you and I'd think, why is she doing that?

Why is she doing that?

Why does she have to be so dramatic?

That's the problem with having this.

I think about death in a kind of irrational, crazy all the time...

I remember saying to myself, if I didn't repeat everybody's names

before I fell asleep everyone would die.

Whoever's name I didn't repeat... Goodness, that's a lot of pressure.

What I used to do is, I used to have my fingers and I used to say

Mum, Dad, Didi, Rumi...

So, Mum, Dad... That's what you were doing at night.

Did you ever see that? This was me. I used to do...

I would always watch you do that and I'd be like,

why does she do that?

And it's become a habit now.

Even now, I'm listening to you and I'm thinking,

I'm telling me in my head,

I'm saying, well, some things you can't help.

Like life and death.

That's not in our control.

Why worry about it so much? I can't help it, though.

Yeah, I know, this is it. There's a voice in your head.

I can't help it. And that, to me, is like...

..wow, there's a voice in your head? Yeah.

What does a voice in your head sound like?

It tells you that you're not good enough.

It tells you that you're inadequate.

It tells you that you're a bad mother.

It tells you that you're the worst sister in the world,

it tells you that you're the most disappointing daughter

that ever lived.

It tells you that you're an inadequate wife.

It tells you that you are not good enough.

So, if I told you, Nadiya, you are the best sister in the world.

Forget about these two... You're the best sister in the world.

Yeah? You are everything that I could ever ask for

in a sister.

Is that not good enough?

I'd say you're lying or you're just saying that.

Or you're just saying it to make me happy.

The thing is, because of my anxiety I don't appreciate that.

I can't appreciate the fact that I've got beautiful children,

an amazing husband, a wonderful family.

Sometimes I don't see it.

I think, as her older sister,

I didn't realise how deep it actually is.

The details when she was telling me about how she used to count down

the names and things like that, that blew my mind.

I thought, really, she actually does that?

How does one get through the day?

It's clear I was anxious from an early age so I want to know

if this is something I was born with.

And if so, could I, and other anxiety sufferers like me,

pass the condition onto our children?

I'm afraid - I've got three kids and I'm scared that they'll have it.

One of them will have it or all of them will have it.

And I hope it isn't genetic. I don't want it to be genetic.

For the past 26 years at King's College London, scientists

have been conducting one of the largest twin studies in the world.

Using cutting edge research carried out on 15,000 pairs of twins,

they've been investigating the complex relationship

between nature and nurture.

Rosa and her sister Margi have been part of the study since it began.

This is where they do the studies?

So, in this research centre this is where the twin study is based

as well as a lot of other studies.

As well as being a participant,

Rosa now works on the study, conducting ground-breaking research

into the role of genetics and environment on anxiety disorders.

So, this twin study, you've both, obviously, been doing it.

What information is it that they're trying to gather?

It's banking on the fact

that twins are really a neat natural experiment.

How does that make you feel?

A little bit like lab rats.

Yeah, sometimes.

By comparing twins we can start to unpick...

..how different traits are genetic.

So nature and nurture? Yeah.

Which brings me to my question, because I suffer with anxiety.

Is there an anxiety gene?

That's the classic question that we always get asked,

and there absolutely isn't.

Anxiety is influenced by loads and loads of genes and all of them

have quite small effects.

So, it's not to say that it's genetic.

You can't say whether it's genetic specifically?

Yeah, well, we know that genes are important

but they don't determine anything,

and, really importantly, the environment, like within the family

and schools, that's key as well.

So, you'll pass on half of your genes to your children but that

doesn't mean that they're necessarily going to have exactly

the same experience of anxiety as you because they have got

environmental differences, as well.

I've come away feeling quite good today because there's no-one out

there saying to me that, actually, I can pass it on to my kids,

but what I am hearing is that my environment,

the nurture part, is the bit that I can control

and that's the bit that makes me happy because, actually,

I'm going to do everything in my power for my kids not to get it.

It seems to me one of the best ways to do that is to treat my anxiety

so it stops having such an impact on our lives.

Today, Paul will be giving me a diagnosis of exactly what type of

anxiety disorder I have, before starting my treatment.

In the last session,

what we picked up was, very clearly, Nadiya has high levels of anxiety.

At the forefront of this is the occurrence of panic attacks.

In the panic she thinks something terrible is going to happen,

she's going to faint or die.

I'm keen to focus on that.

I want to know what I have,

but is it as clear cut as that?

So, I think central to it is anxiety,

and panic attack is the most obvious manifestation of that,

and that would meet the label of panic disorder.

So, you've got panic disorder.

And the bit that I'm not sure about is whether or not you actually have

post-traumatic stress disorder

because some of the things you described clearly haunt you.

The good news is that panic is just about the easiest one to treat.

So, you can actually get rid of it? You can get rid of it.

The research shows

that 80% of people will be completely free of panic.

So, you're saying that I could not have panic but I could just be

anxious like any other person?

Be free of panic, yeah. OK.

Now, when you have a panic attack, what do you do?

Well, I know when I'm breathing really fast and rapid.

I know that that's not how I'm supposed to be,

so the first thing I do is try and control it.

So, in through the nose, out through the mouth.

Show me how you do that.

What's happening with you... Keep doing it.

Makes me feel weirdly light-headed.

OK. Keep going.

Keep going.

And...

I feel a bit sick, sorry. OK, that's fine.

What else is happening to you?

My heart feels like it's racing. OK.

Is this supposed to be helping?

No. No, it's not supposed to be helping.

I'm just picking up what you said you normally did in a panic.

This is what I would do and it's making me feel worse.

It's making you feel worse, OK.

At a time when you felt excited, let's say when you got married,

remember that feeling of excitement, that feeling of intense excitement?

Yes.

How does it affect you physically when you're intensely excited?

Almost quite similar to when I'm having a panic attack.

Almost or actually physically? Yeah.

I don't feel like I'm dying then. No, you don't.

What's the difference? The feelings are the same.

The only thing that's different is what it means to you.

Yeah, right.

And if you think it means that you're dying,

hey, guess what? You feel anxious.

If you think it means that this is the best day of your life,

you're full of joy, yeah?

If that's the case, then when you have a panic attack...

..if you can be sure that nothing bad is going to happen

then what would that do to the anxiety?

I could stop it in its tracks.

Yeah. Well, I think it wouldn't happen in the first place.

It wouldn't happen or... Yeah.

We'll probably take a break at this point.

I think we're not quite done

but I think this would be a good time to take a break.

You know every time I have a panic attack and you say,

in through the nose, out through the mouth and we breathe lovely and deep

and deep back out?

You know, that makes it worse.

Why? Because that's like almost, you're almost feeding it.

And I literally was on the edge.

You know, like when I'm on the edge of an attack.

One of things I was looking for is an activity that we could do

to actually confront the fear.

It's not about controlling breathing.

It's about discovering that the things she's afraid of...

The fear's unjustified, essentially.

OK, go get the kids. See you later.

So, what I'm keen to do is to try it again.

Actually now take it to where she might feel panicky

and confront it.

Building up now? OK. Do it a bit more.

It's quite predictable, interestingly,

the same kind of thing going on.

You got the heart going fast yet?

OK.

I don't feel...

Sorry? What's happening now?

Tell me what's going through your mind.

I don't like that feeling.

Of course, you don't. Nobody likes that feeling in this context, yeah?

What's going through your mind apart from not liking the feeling?

I'm just wondering if it brings back any memories.

It reminds me of that moment when...

It always reminds me of that moment when...

..I was hiding under the sink.

And, um, my head was flushed down the toilet.

Because that's how I was breathing.

I'm guessing that when your head's in the toilet

you can't breathe, as well? No.

I was breathing in a lot of water.

Yeah.

Which, of course, could have killed you. Yeah.

So, you would feel as if your life was in danger,

and it's that same feeling. Yeah.

So, although you're not actually thinking you're going to die,

it's reminding you of a time when you thought you were going to die.

Yeah. Is that right?

It's really important to remember that that was then and this is now,

that what happened then is not ever going to happen to you again. No.

And I think there's a little bit of an echo of that coming through

in panics, as well, because of that difficulty breathing.

How's the physical feelings now? I feel fine. Fine, OK.

I still have that memory

of the water going up my nose

and feeling like if they don't pull

me up now I am going to drown

with my head in this toilet.

Knowing that I'm breathing in water

and urine and all of that...

And they eventually stopped.

And they left me

and I hid under the sink.

And I breathe...

I remember breathing really hard.

And I had a panic attack. That was my first-ever panic attack.

But that memory's going to stay with me forever.

If I could erase my memory,

then I would take that one memory out of my head...

..because that memory is always there.

It's become evident that there's two problems.

They're separate but interlinked.

Frequent panic attacks which amount to panic disorder

but also the bullying trauma.

The idea is, the next session, we'll actually get control of the panics

so that she can then more effectively deal with

the traumatic stuff, the flashbacks and re-experiencing she's got.

If my traumatic experiences as a child show anything,

it's that we need to deal with anxiety as early as possible

and government figures back that up.

The biggest rise in anxiety in recent years is amongst

teenage girls and young women.

Hove Park Secondary in Brighton is one state school trying to tackle

the issue head on.

Hi, Nadiya. Welcome to Hove Park.

What do I need to do to get in?

If I can just get you to sign in, thank you.

The school has prioritised mental health, trying to prevent anxiety

becoming a serious problem,

by encouraging students to talk openly.

Teachers are trained to spot the early signs of anxiety and pupils

have access to dedicated therapy rooms and counsellors.

What kind of stuff makes you need to come in here?

Well, maybe if I'm getting wound up about something,

maybe some work might be a bit hard, I get a bit wound up about it,

then I come up and just chill and maybe do the work,

go back to the lesson. OK.

Kind of a bit of a safe space is what we try and say,

that it's somewhere that you can go.

Whatever kind of behaviour you're feeling at that time

you can get that out and we're not going to judge you or sanction you.

It's about having that space to breathe.

That's a great place to be, right?

That you recognise that you need to come to the hub.

You're like, "Right, I need a minute, please."

Yeah, and then to come up, chill, and maybe go back to the lesson

and carry on with what you were doing.

Does it feel better when you go back? Yeah.

You're very lucky.

Do you feel lucky? Yeah, I feel lucky. That's good!

And they are lucky because, outside of this school, some children

with mental health issues are waiting over a year

to be treated.

We're going to talk about this afternoon worry and anxiety

and what happens...

But here, talking about anxiety and the pressures students face

has become part of everyday school life.

I've heard the word perfect quite a lot. Oh, yeah!

Is there a pressure to be perfect?

Everyone's supposed to be a certain way

and people expect you to be perfect, basically.

Social media basically impacts everything to do with us now.

Post a picture, and before you post a picture you're worried.

what's everyone else going to think,

what comments am I going to get?

You think about everyone else's opinions

before you think about your own.

The difference, I think, for you guys and for us is that growing up

I could just go home and I didn't have a mobile phone.

But you guys have that added pressure of,

you can't leave school behind.

How do you find that?

I really wish I was born in the 1980s.

Oh, yeah, you do. Yeah, you do. It was a good time.

I talk to my nan about it all the time and life would just be so much

easier, like, you wouldn't have to deal with social pressure.

Just people editing pictures and you're like,

"Oh, she has such clear skin, I want that.

"Oh, her figure's so nice, I want that."

Like, you wouldn't have that pressure.

Listening to you, you should definitely give yourself more credit

for the stuff that you are having to kind of bat off and navigate

because like Nadiya said some of those things weren't around for us,

they just weren't there, so you've got a whole new set of things

to find your way through

and you're doing an amazing job.

Yeah.

The mental health provision here is obviously

having a really positive effect.

But headteacher Jim Roberts has to deliver it

without any additional funding.

We've had to prioritise.

We've had to make tough decisions about things that we're going

to resource and things that we're not going to resource.

As a head teacher you decide where your priorities are.

You decide the culture and ethos you want in your school

and you have the autonomy to make that happen,

and that's what I wanted for this school.

I know that if this service was available for me

when I was a teenager I can guarantee that I would have used it

and I know that I would've said something,

and I know how much it would have helped me going into adulthood.

You know, this is hope, right? Yeah.

The level of care given to these pupils means they stand

a better chance of avoiding the kind of anxiety I've suffered from

since I was at school.

But the experience of being at Hove Park has also made me realise

how deep rooted my condition is,

so I've decided to investigate the other recommended treatment -

medication.

But I'm cautious because I've tried it once before.

When I was 26,

I had my daughter and I went to the doctors and I was given medication

for depression, with very little explanation

as to what the medication was for,

how I would feel and, you know, just what to do going forward.

So, I had the medication for two weeks and that was it for me.

I just decided that I can't deal with having no emotions whatsoever.

But, now, now...

..I'm almost considering it.

I've been looking online for other people's experiences of taking

anxiety medication,

and I found blogger and journalist Laura Bartley

who also has panic disorder like me.

Laura lives in a rural part of Wales.

She's been on an NHS waiting list for CBT therapy for 14 months

and last year she turned to medication.

What are you on at the moment?

So, that's the... Oh, that's the serotonin.

Yeah, the SSRI. Ahhh!

There are a number of different types of medication used to treat

anxiety and the most popular are the type Laura is now taking,

antidepressants called SSRIs,

or selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.

Serotonin, so, that word to me says happy, right?

Yeah, yeah. Serotonin, chocolate...

When you took the medication was it as easy as,

"Right, I'm having this medication, I feel better already"?

No! How did your body take to it cos mine didn't like it?

No, it was not easy at all.

Everyone reacts to it so differently

and everyone has different side effects.

What were the side effects? Horrendous side effects.

For the first two weeks I felt constantly sick

and my anxiety was just...

..at a level that I haven't experienced it for a long time,

it was just relentless worrying from the second I woke up

to the second I went to sleep.

At what point did you think,

"Oh, hold on a second, I'm not feeling sick any more"?

It was about a month.

Really? Yeah.

Gradually, I was realising that I wasn't finding things

as difficult as I found them before.

Do you think the medication was the big turning point for you?

It has been a big turning point.

Nothing seems so extreme any more.

There's no extreme anxiety,

no extreme panics,

but I do still get panic attacks.

I do still get anxiety attacks.

Even whilst being on the pills? Even whilst on them, yeah.

So I'd say they're definitely not...

It hasn't cured me.

It's not like a fix.

But you found something that works for you. Yeah.

It wasn't easy.

No, but you're in a better place.

Yeah, definitely, in a much better place now.

Speaking with Laura has made me realise that I didn't know enough

to make an informed decision when I was first prescribed

anti-depressants eight years ago,

so I'm going to see local psychiatrist Dr Mirza Mohammed

to get some professional advice about anxiety medication.

Do you know what SSRI means? No.

Basically, what they do is prevent the breakdown of serotonin

in our brain, which is a very important neurochemical,

and it is associated with our mood, our motivation,

our feelings of happiness.

And that's how people tend to sort of get some improvement

in their symptoms.

I was given medication for depression when I was 26

and I took it for two weeks and, actually, without the doctor's

advice I just came off them, so, I mean...

Did they explain to you that, you know, those drugs

are also licensed to be used for anxiety?

Were they explained to me? No, absolutely not.

A lot of these problems could be solved if patients had an extra

couple of minutes at their GPs where they can actually say,

"Oh, this is what I'm worried about, can I speak about this?"

And the GP had enough time.

Yeah, I think that's where a lot of resources are required

so that, you know, these things are better explained,

but it takes time.

Yeah, but, I mean, I think if a doctor doesn't communicate

what that medication's for, then a patient certainly isn't going

to be brave enough to ask the question because when you're in

a situation where you're already vulnerable, surely that's just

adding to the problem as opposed to...

Again, I think if I were to go through each and every side effect

and go through a consent form, that might take me 15 minutes

in a consultation rather than five minutes. Yeah.

It's clear medication can play an important role in managing anxiety

but I'm still looking for a long term solution and since I'm only

three sessions into my therapy I want to give CBT a real chance.

PAUL: ..constantly doing things which kind of holds the monster

at bay kind of thing - the monster being the panics.

Having identified the root cause of my anxiety, Paul wants to put

that to one side for now

and concentrate on controlling my panic attacks.

VOICE ON TAPE: If I don't keep busy

I give it room to bubble over...

He's asked me to listen back to our previous session

so I can think about the things I do to control my anxiety.

It's made me realise that plans and routines dominate every part

of my life.

I mean, even when I do my laundry, once I've done it everything

is in colour order so I've got black, white, cream, grey.

Red, orange, yellow, green.

Blue, pink.

There's no other way, but for me there's something about

having everything in colour order.

It's like the clarity makes me feel so good.

Even living in Milton Keynes seems to help.

I like structure.

I like routine and Milton Keynes suits my life.

It suits the way I live.

It kind of gives me that structure, that order, A to B.

If you look at Milton Keynes as a whole it's like a grid system,

and there's something very satisfying about those grids.

There's no curly whirly lines anywhere.

It just suits me because I know exactly where I'm going

from point A to point B,

and everything takes nine minutes

and I love roundabouts.

I think they're great. There's no traffic anywhere ever.

PAUL: Nadiya's constantly trying to keep her anxiety in check

by obsessively following routines,

trying to keep herself occupied at all times.

We'll be exploring today how these safety seeking behaviours

can actually keep the anxiety going even though it appears

that they're keeping it down.

I'm feeling quite anxious today.

I just don't know what...

I don't know what to expect from each session.

I like plans, I like to know exactly what's happening.

It's the first time I'm doing anything where I don't have a plan.

It's just kind of like, this is what we're doing,

and that's scary for me.

I'm really, really keen to try and get you to introduce an element

of randomness in your life. OK.

I'm not saying, "Nadiya, stop planning things."

What I'm saying is,

"Nadiya, stop planning everything to within an inch of its life."

I can but I'm scared that I can't.

OK, but what I'm saying is, this is all part of the control,

"makes me feel less anxious,"

whereas, in fact, I think it's controlling you.

Your anxiety bullies you into, you must do it in that way,

you've always got to know where you are,

you've always got to know what's happening next and so on.

"You've got to do that,

and if you don't do that then I'm going to get you."

Yeah, it's the voice in my head.

OK, so, if you wanted to deal with the panic

what might you need to do?

Face a panic attack.

Strangely enough I've come to the same conclusion. Yeah.

I was thinking that we should go looking for situations

which maybe make you feel panicky.

Can you think of a situation,

"Oh, I'll do anything, but I can't do that"?

When I have to get on a train that's quite frightening.

That's quite scary.

Just the thought of going on a train on my own makes me feel sick.

OK, so now we're going to go and be impulsive on the train.

We're not, are we? Mm-hm.

Are we actually going on a train?

Yes, that was the idea. What, now? Yeah, yeah.

That was the idea.

I'm wanting you to try to get the panic going so we can flatten it.

OK.

Are we really going to go to London now?

That's the third time you've asked me that!

OK, fine, I guess we're going to London, then.

I hope he's got a plan...

..cos I don't. Does he know where we're going?

OK, well, you obviously don't know...

..either. Doesn't matter.

Are you good with plans?

Do you need plans?

Yes, I like plans...

So you're getting anxious, too? Yes. OK.

My heart's racing a little bit.

What is it you're worried about?

I don't like not knowing where I'm going.

So if you could just let that happen, let your heart pound. OK.

I mean, this is really important.

You need to be able discover that either something happens

or nothing happens.

Nothing will happen but it's all very well for me to say that,

it's you that needs to discover that.

OK. We can cross over.

Just having that voice in your head telling you that you're not

good enough and that you can't do this and remember you're going

to have a panic attack and everyone's going to see

and everyone's going to know that you're weak

and everyone's going to know that you're sick.

Those are the voices in my head.

So where are we going?

London Paddington.

Ah-ha! Delayed. The train's delayed.

This is why I don't like not planning things.

Lots of what we do in treatment and a lot of what she needs do

is to discover how the world really works as opposed

to how she fears it might work, what she fears might happen.

What we're seeing is the whole range of safety-seeking behaviours,

so she, for example, is avoiding looking at other people,

looking at her feet.

She's doing a whole range of things which are designed

to stop her from panicking, to keep the anxiety at bay and so on,

but which are actually making it worse.

The hope is to get her not to do those things and then see

that her anxiety will actually begin to diminish.

But the closer I get to the train,

the more I feel the panic rising inside me.

OK.

I'm really tense. My mouth feels really tense.

OK, well, relax. It's OK to be tense,

but, you know, it's unnecessary. Yeah, yeah.

It seems unnecessary, like the looking down is unnecessary.

It's almost like you're repeatedly telling yourself,

"I'm an anxious person," you know? Yeah.

And do you know what? You absolutely don't have to be. No.

And so some of it is about deciding you're just not going to give in

to the anxiety, look down, do this, do that.

It's taking all of my strength to keep my head up.

Yeah? Yep.

I'm OK. Thank you.

It's all right. It's not as bad as I thought it was going to be.

It never is. No, no.

Here you are, heading to London, and?

It's not as scary as I thought it was going to be. Is it scary at all?

No? No.

At the moment - this moment - I don't think it is scary. It's not scary.

And, you know, if you were to panic now, if you were

to have a panic attack, what then?

It would go away. It would go away. It would go away.

You don't need to... This is me saying,

when it happens, I'm not going to force it to go away.

It will just go away.

It will just go away because there's nothing to be afraid of.

This is unfamiliar for me.

This is not something I do.

I was not expecting to be here today and here I am!

You know for sure you could do it. Now I know I can. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, we've still got a bit of work to do. Yeah.

Guys, let me show you. Look - I came to Trafalgar Square!

Woohoo! Yeah.

And look - I'm not dead! No. I'm not dead or anything!

Yay! Woohoo!

Today has been life-changing.

I've done things I never thought possible and I'm starting

to realise just how valuable this treatment is,

but I'm also aware I'm incredibly lucky because there

are lots of sufferers who are undiagnosed or not

getting professional treatment.

What if I can't do it or get a, like, cold sweat?

Right, OK.

So what I would say to you is you're going to have to expect

that the anxiety is going to manifest,

but the difference is, as you've been learning...

I've been looking online at what else is out there

for anxiety sufferers.

Oh, gosh. What am I doing?!

What you're doing is great.

I mean, it's definitely...

I've come away from the NHS website a little bit

and there's lots of stuff online, these self-help groups, and there's

this thing I've come across, run by this guy called Barry,

and it's like this community

of people who... Like a livestream thing where you can go off

and you can do something and kind of push yourself,

but you've always constantly got a community of people who, erm...

..who talk to you and encourage you.

See, I'm getting, like, flashes of panic.

I'm scared. I don't know where to go or what to do.

You're actually OK.

You didn't die, you didn't pass out.

None of those horrible things you thought would happen happened,

and you're proving that to yourself right now

by standing there in the shop.

Barry, a former anxiety sufferer, is one of a number of people running

online self-help groups offering an alternative to NHS therapy

for a price.

Are you trained in any way?

All of the... Everything I write and everything

comes from my own personal experience so it's very much

about my personal experience of how I overcame my anxiety

and then I'm connecting people with other people

who are using that same approach trying to build up this peer-to-peer

environment where people with anxiety can connect with each other,

working together and supporting and inspiring each other.

I mean, how many subscribers, how big is your community?

We have about a quarter of a million people who we communicate to

over social media and through our e-mails,

and it's growing all the time.

As I said earlier, anxiety is this problem

and people are becoming more aware of it,

so they're searching out solutions online.

I mean, I know that there's a struggle.

It's not that easy to get access to CBT.

Why do you think people are...

Why do you think people are turning to this form of therapy, I suppose?

There's still the stigma of going to a therapist

and having that help.

People are afraid of doing that

and there's also, some people are afraid to talk to their doctor

about it, even, so going online, doing some research,

finding these communities is a great way or great introduction

for people into that world.

Whilst I'm unsure if online communities

like this are as beneficial as NHS therapy,

what is valuable is that they encourage people

to open up and realise that they are not alone.

I always talk about how important it is to share and to talk

and that is part of the healing.

I hope that people see that, actually,

it's not that scary and, you know,

who knows - even if just one person picks up the phone to their GP

and says, "Do you know what?

"I'm going to call my GP because if average Nadiya can do that,

"then so can I."

It's been seven days since I caught the train to London with Paul...

..and, despite how well the treatment has been going,

now I'm back at home without him to help me,

my anxiety is taking hold again.

It's one of those things where I think the doctor

asked her to just all of a sudden go to London by herself,

the underground.

She did it. She called us. We were really proud of her,

so, you know, it was, like, a really good moment. High moment.

And then literally a day or two later, something else -

life threw another problem and she couldn't cope with it,

and I think that really dropped her from a high to a very low.

She was crying in a corner at one point and then she would not,

kind of, get herself up and I think she feels quite dejected now,

as in, "It's not going to work, I'm not going to find the cure,"

because she felt so good

and then literally a day or two later she felt really bad

and I think that's really worrying her.

What can I do?

If you think about it, what do I... I'm just there, isn't it?

But, as an aide to you, I don't know how to help you.

That's, you know, I don't know how to help me either.

Cos sometimes I've seen you, rather than facing the problem,

you'll cook for two weeks ahead. Yeah.

You clean everything that's available to clean.

You'll iron everything. Reorganise every drawer. Everything.

And I'm always...I'm always coming to and saying, "Can I do that?"

But those things help me to be distracted

and they help me to... OK. ..kind of function as normally as possible.

You're kind of hiding from it.

Yeah. I think maybe you need to let go of control.

Not letting me just do it, but just accepting the consequences

of letting me do it!

Like that time I accidentally burnt your top with the iron!

Well, why are you so bad at everything?! I'm not!

You just are! You're just a perfectionist.

No, you're so bad at everything!

You're, like, bad at cooking, you're bad ironing...

I'm not that bad at ironing.

What do you want to do? Do you want make lunch?

You could make an omelette.

I'm not going to tell you... Oh, my God, see? I did it! Yeah.

Wow. I'm not going to say anything.

OK, go! Do whatever you want. All right. I'm doing it. Yeah?

I have never sat here and watched you do anything there.

Go for it! This is your time now.

Oh, Lord. This is going to be painful.

Where's the knife, Nadiya?

I'm joking!

HE LAUGHS

There's a salmon pie here.

You can't, that's ready-made. You can't even touch that.

Oh! Oh!

Sometimes when you're going away on a weekend job,

you'll spend Thursday or Friday cooking five meals.

What would happen if you didn't? I've never done that before.

No, but it would be OK, wouldn't it? We'd work it out, me and the kids.

What would you feed 'em?

I don't need to tell you. I'm their dad.

No, isn't it?

You need to let go of that control, whereas I won't...

Out of curiosity, what would you... I won't even tell you what we eat.

Out of curiosity, what would you feed them? No! I don't know.

I'll work it out.

This is going to be difficult for you.

I better taste it quick myself and then I know.

SHE MUMBLES

Can I have that little corner? Cos I can see a chilli.

You want that chilli?

I want that chilli corner. Look, there's a chilli there.

Even with Abdal's support, I can see that getting better

is going to be hard and I'm starting to wonder if therapy

really is the answer.

I've had these sessions with Paul and he's teaching me

how to manage my panic attacks or at least understand my panic attacks

at the moment...

..but over the last two days, the way I've felt, I have questioned

the CBT. I have stepped back and thought, is this even working?

Because what I wanted was a cure. What I wanted was somebody to say,

"Right, that's it, it's gone now and you're never going to have it ever again." Erm...

But... I mean, he could be wrong.

He could be wrong. At the moment, I'm feeling like he might not...

He might be wrong. At the moment, I'm feeling like I'm not going to...

It's not going to go away.

I don't know where I am at the moment.

I feel stuck in the middle somewhere.

I've met people who have said, "Well you have panic disorder

"and this is kind of something that you live with and you learn

"to manage it, but you live with it for the rest of your life

"and that's it."

No. And I don't want to... And you don't agree.

No, more than that. Yes.

I mean, not only not agree, I've seen it not be true.

80% of people who have been the appropriate therapy

are panic-free. I mean, that panic-free...

You say 80%. I could be that 20% where I still have to...

Yes, except you're not because of what you've already managed to do.

I suppose my frustration over the last few days

has been that I want this... I want this instant fix.

And I know that...

Fix of what, though? Cos, I mean,

there's multiple things going on here.

You know, what I've been focusing on is the panic bit

cos that's what brought you through the door, kind of thing, all right?

It's also this trauma issue.

That's something that you'll be working on

for the rest of your life.

That, for me, was the thing that made me realise that this isn't

going to be easy and that this...

Oh, it was never going to be easy,

but it's still like being really clear about what you need to do.

CBT is not me doing things to you.

It's we talk, you take something from that, and then you apply it...

Yeah. ..and if it works, you stick with it

and if it doesn't work, we'll work out what needs to be done.

But it's about self-help, it's about actually you taking control

and what I've seen is that you have begun the process

of taking control.

If the success of the treatment is ultimately about helping yourself,

then I need to start trying things on my own without Paul,

facing my fears to overcome them like I did on the train to London,

so where better to start than in front of an audience of 2,000

at the NEC in Birmingham?

In the past, I've managed to cope with these big cooking shows by not

wearing my glasses.

My fear has always been if I can see the audience,

I'll have a panic attack.

Today I'm doing something that breaks that pattern,

and the pattern for me was to not wear my glasses,

and today I'm breaking that pattern and saying,

"I'm going to wear my glasses,"

so that, for me... That in itself is a massive challenge for me.

MUSIC PLAYS, ANNOUNCER SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY

CHEERING

I can't see their faces, but I know as soon as I put my glasses on...

SHE GASPS

OK. It'll be fine. I can do it. Just glasses.

Just people, just faces, it'll be fine.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

It's making me anxious.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT It's fine.

In front of your very eyes, please put your hands together,

massive round of applause for Nadiya Hussain!

MUSIC AND CHEERING

Hello! How are you?

Thank you. Lovely to see you.

Look at these people here!

Lots of people! For you. And me.

One of the things that I just kind of wanted to say

before I started cooking, I'm doing a documentary about mental health

and I suffer with mental health issues,

which I've been really open and honest about.

I've recently learned that there's certain things that I do

that I call safety-seeking behaviours

and I do them to protect myself.

One of the things that I do is I don't ever wear my glasses

because then I can pretend like nobody's here.

LAUGHTER

So today, for the first time, I'm going to break that sequence

and I'm going to wear my glasses.

Boom!

You're going to see me! Look at me! Woohoo! I'm here! Woo!

I can see everyone! Oh, my God!

Look, I can see all your faces!

Ooh... That's hard. You guys are good-looking people.

Let's just crack on. I think we should just cook. Indeed. Yeah.

What are you going to be cooking for us?

Cos I know you've got a couple of dishes.

VOICE-OVER: I came into this thinking that I wanted a cure, I wanted to be fixed.

I know now that it's not a cure I'm looking for.

I need... I have to find...

It's not a cure because it's not that kind of illness.

I have to find a way of managing

and you have to find a way of living like this, but...

..without...all the things that make me sad.

I know my treatment isn't finished

and I know I've got a long way to go, but I feel...

..I feel ready for it.

I already see little glimmers, little, little glimmers.

So I know there's hope.

For more information on ways to understand

and cope with anxiety go to...