Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language,

some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting, and deals with suicide and self-harm.

I was just 16 when I appeared on X Factor, and suddenly became known

to so many people. And though I didn't realise it then,

within four years I would be an alcoholic.

Thankfully, I'm in active recovery, but the number of alcohol-related

deaths among women in Northern Ireland is at an all-time high,

and increasing faster here than anywhere else in the UK.

With medical experts expressing alarm at the increase in consumption

of alcohol by young women, alcohol abuse is costing the public here

a staggering £900 million every year.

Hey, guys.

So I'm working on a really, really exciting project.

My fans have been incredible through my continued journey

out of addiction...

If you are in active addiction, recovery,

concerned about your drinking, or just rethinking

your relationship with alcohol, then please, hit me up.

..but why are so many young women succumbing to alcohol abuse?

What are their stories,

and what can they do to fight their addictions?

I want to reach out and discover what's happening

with young women and alcohol.

You're making me scared! What's your name?

My name is Janet Devlin.

I'm 16 and I'm from Tyrone in Northern Ireland.

How are you feeling about this? Er, nervous!

I bet you are!

This is the full X Factor audition I did back in 2011.

It's literally been so long since I watched this that I forgot

just how much of a baby I was when I did it.

Like, I didn't realise, like, 16 was, like, that young

to do a show like that.

# It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside... #

Your Song. The song I still sing to this day.

Honest to God, there's not a gig goes by where people

don't ask for that.

SHE CHUCKLES

You can literally see...

..how petrified I am the whole way through this.

Aw, my wee mummy.

Aw!

For me, the X Factor was, in equal parts,

the best decision of my life, and the hardest part of my life.

I was a child. I was 16, and it was terrifying.

Like, there's no way to prepare yourself for your life

changing overnight.

There's no way to prepare yourself for getting online abuse

from adults. It was hard.

You know, if I was to open up in those days and say,

"Oh, I'm really struggling, I actually really need help,"

or just admitting at the time that I really was struggling to,

you know, even be alive,

the dialogue around mental health wasn't there.

So I just never said it.

Kept it private, kept it buried deep down.

At the time of leaving the show and doing all of the gigs

and touring and travelling, like, I had good money at the time.

I drank it all.

So I started as someone who drank to overcome social anxiety,

to feel comfortable in my own skin.

You know, you're the life of the party kind of thing,

when you've had a drink.

But eventually it stops being fun.

You know, I drank myself out of fun, into dependence,

and ruined it for myself, essentially.

I just made my life a living hell, and I made the life of everyone

around me who was trying to, like, work for me or work with me,

a living hell and a living misery as well.

I remember my mum crying, screaming at me once,

just being like, "How does it feel to be 19,

"and be an alcoholic?"

And she just...she was at her breaking point.

She was just waiting on the phone call to say that I'd passed away.

Um...

That, now, as a sober person, is absolutely just a disgusting

and sad and terrifying thought.

And I can't imagine being a mother trying to navigate that world.

So, that was the reality.

She was just waiting for that phone call.

Although my story feels unique to me,

I know that an increasing number of women have had similar experiences.

I've come to Bangor to meet 25-year-old Zoe, who was an addict

by the time she was 18.

Hiya. Hello, how are you?

I'm good, thank you. How are you doing?

Yeah, good. Do you want to come in? Ah, thank you.

Where did your addiction story start?

So I was quite young, about 13, 14.

I started dabbling.

I came from a really strict school in England.

My mum moved me over here for a better way of life. Yeah.

It just didn't go to plan.

No. So it didn't.

She always tried to do right by me. She did.

But she was very strict and very by the book.

And I think that's why I rebelled as much as I did.

Do you think the move had any impact on your drinking and using?

Definitely.

Like, I definitely tried to make myself likeable.

You know, to fit in.

And because I was the new girl and, you know, new girl in school,

new girl in a different country, you know.

I was stripped away from everything and everyone that I ever knew.

It just got worse, the older I got. I completely flunked school.

That was when I then started on the legals.

So I was smoking legal highs, I was taking like Microdots,

legal Es, going to raves.

And I was trying to forget the dark thoughts and the demons

in my head and mask them with something that made me feel good.

And then...

..that was when I went really downhill, between 16, 17.

I was going between, like, sleeping rough,

friends' sofas, strangers' sofas.

And, yeah, I'd done a bit of time on the streets.

I've had people walk past and spit on me.

I've had people walk past and kick me.

I've had, you know, just for the craic, just because they can,

you know.

I've done unthinkable things

like stealing and all,

and burnt so many bridges with people that you feel like

you can't come back from.

Yeah, things can get quite dark and scary, quite quick.

I look back now and I'm like, I don't know how I'm still alive,

if I'm being honest.

We would have drank up on the pier, like up on these wee bits.

And then if we were going to take anything,

we would have gone under...

You would've actually gone under the bridge to use?

Yeah. Wow. You see, cos it's on the doorstep. Yeah.

It's not the first time I've been down, you know, since...

..but it's obviously the first time coming back and reminiscing

about the bad times. The bad days! Yeah. They weren't really good,

were they? Well, they were at the time, I think.

At the time, you think everything's good,

and everything's great,

and it's not until you come out of it and you get the help

and you realise, no, actually, that was that was way worse than...

Yeah. ..you could even explain to anyone, you know?

No, I do have mental health problems.

I have BPD - borderline personality disorder.

Because I'm the same, I have the BPD. Yeah.

I'm on anti-psychotics now, which sounds scary, yeah.

I know the feeling, because I'm currently on anti-psychotics myself.

Yeah? Yeah. So, you know... Whenever you're first told,

like, you have to go on anti-psychotics, you're like...

I'm psychotic?! OK?! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And, yeah, it was, it was really, it was daunting,

it was scary, but see since being on them,

I do feel like a different person.

I see things differently.

I am not as irrational, I'm not as impulsive.

That's a big one. Yeah.

When you've got mental health problems as well, which most people

with addiction issues have... They tend to do, yeah.

Yeah! ..you're battling not only the addiction,

but you're battling your mental health at the same time.

At the same time. And it is just like...

You don't know what one to listen to.

Yeah. But I've worked hard... You have, and it shows.

..to get to where I am today. And I'm glad, I'm glad it does show,

because, you know, for the first time in...

..a good chunk of my life, I'm able to say I'm proud of myself.

You know, I've been through shit in the past, but I've came out of it

the other end, you know. I've...

I have, and I've done it! Yeah.

You know. I'm just crying, like... Don't, you'll set me off!

Zoe's story has really struck a chord with me.

She's still such a young woman, but has already gone through

some really tough times.

Above all, I'm impressed by her resilience and ability

to ask for help at such a young age,

and the way she has faced up to issues around her mental health.

Something that, like me, she had to do

in order to confront her addiction.

I got a message from a girl called Tamsin, who has said,

"I don't know if you'll see this message, but I've seen your post

"about addiction, about telling people their stories.

"My mammy also struggled with addiction, mainly alcoholism.

"I live in Derry, and I would love to tell you my story some time."

Oh, she said, "My mammy actually passed away this year

"on the 16th of January due to addiction."

That's really sad.

"Hey, Tamsin.

"Thanks so much for reaching out.

"I'd love to talk.

"So sorry to hear about your mum."

Since her mum died, 18-year-old Tamsin has been helping her dad

to raise her two younger sisters.

But I'm so glad she's reached out to me.

I actually messaged Janet. I messaged her.

Just said I'm looking forward to meeting her.

I didn't think she would get back to us yet.

I remember when she came on The X Factor and she sang Your Song

by Elton John and, oh, my God, I fell in love with it, you know.

Her voice singing that song, it just matched so well.

And my mummy actually took me to the X Factor tour.

My mummy, like, always felt well bad because she had a wee fall

because she drunk a wee bit too much.

But that's something that ate my mummy up too,

for doing that to me.

But, aye, I remember seeing Janet on The X Factor.

The box even smells like her.

I swear, I can smell her. Her perfume.

My mummy only ever wanted three babies,

so Lula May was her last wee child to be born. Lula May's her wee baby.

My daddy's all smiley, to have three girls!

We were just all so happy. Our family jigsaw was completed there.

We were whole.

We had everything then. The main thing we had was each other.

She tried countless times to get help back then.

They went to rehab centres,

she went to a well lot of counselling as well.

And I remember her saying to me loads and loads of times that,

"I don't want to be this way, and I just want to be sober.

"I just don't want this kind of life,

"a life that's so similar to hell.

"I don't want it."

The last post she ever replied to, on the 6th of January,

was actually my post,

I wrote on her wall, "Love you, Mummy."

And then she wrote wee hearts under it,

four wee hearts and a wee X.

I kept writing on her wall, just in case she grabbed her phone

and was, like, looking through her Facebook.

and I put up another wee post.

"Me and the two girls love you more than you will ever know,

"our rock." And a wee picture of me and my sisters and my mummy.

And another one. This is 13th of January now.

"Your girls love you more than you know."

Just hoping she would see it and something would cha...

..just...something would happen.

The day my mummy died, I got a phone call,

it was from my two cousins.

They were screaming on the phone, crying.

They were all, "I think your mummy's dead."

So I jumped into the car and ran down,

and I was all, "Where's my mummy?"

I went into the living room.

And there my mummy was just sitting lifeless on the sofa.

I just rushed over to her and hugged her and kissed her.

And I just couldn't believe it,

like, all my family sitting round her and...

I don't want to have that life, no.

When I have weans of my own,

I don't want my weans to see what I had to see,

because I shouldn't have seen it.

Hiya! Hi. So nice to finally meet you.

You too! How are you doing? Good. Aye, all good? Good.

So, when it comes to addiction, how do you feel towards it?

Are you angry at it?

Are you upset at it? Like, what's your main feeling

when you think about what addiction's done to your life?

I'm all kind of mixed emotions.

Some days I'll be angry. Some days I'll be so upset.

But the main one is kind of anger, because it took my mummy.

You feel a wee bit out of sync with the world. Mm.

Like, you don't know...

Like, with my mummy gone now, like,

it feels like you don't know, like, your kind of purpose,

because she's not here.

And I just... I don't feel myself at all. Yeah.

And what responsibilities have you been left now

since your mummy passed away?

My two wee sisters are my main responsibility.

Like, they're 11 and 8. Wow.

Aye. Young girls, then.

Aye, really young.

Didn't deserve what happened to them. Yeah.

So what kind of alcoholic was your mum?

When I was, say, about seven or eight, a weekend drinker.

Like, a drink on a Saturday, maybe

the odd wee day in the weekdays, if she wasn't doing anything.

Or had nothing to do.

But then it just progressed that bit more.

When she drunk, it was hardcore, like.

She would drink vodka, like.

Litre bottles, ten glasses.

And she would drink raw vodka to get that quicker hit. Yeah.

She would barely mix it. Mm.

Do you ever just want to just have your childhood years back?

Aye, it's annoying, like. I had to grow up too quickly.

And even my mummy said that to me before, when she was here, like.

She knows herself that I had to grow up too quickly.

I shouldn't have, like. I had to see stuff that no-one should see.

Yeah.

How did it feel for you to watch the damage your mum was doing,

not only to your family, but also like physically to herself?

You just feel helpless.

You have to sit in the sidelines, you know, but you try and try

with your love. Sometimes your love just,

it can't make it happen. I can't make her be the person

you want her to be. But I still showed my love anyway.

I was angry with her at times, of course.

I was sad. As I said, again, all mixed emotions

when my mummy was drinking.

But the main thing I had is show her this love, still.

Mm. It's difficult to hear it from the other perspective,

and just how quickly you've had to grow up in comparison to me,

just constantly trying to be a child and just drink myself silly, like.

It's...it's really tough and I just really feel for you.

And, like, I don't even, I don't even know how that responsibility

must feel for you.

I'm just absolutely blown away with how strong she is,

through all of that, through the years of exposure to alcoholism

from such a young age. Like, how she can be so,

not just eloquently spoken with her feelings towards it,

but how she's, you know, still managing to keep it together.

Like, I just, I can't even imagine what she's actually been through,

because I've only ever been on the other side of it, you know?

Hearing stories about other people's alcoholism,

or how alcoholism has affected them in their life,

is actually one of the best things for an alcoholic to be exposed to,

because it reminds you that you are literally just an arm's length away

from causing that chaos in your own life again.

So in the spirit of honestly and candidly talking

about experiences with alcoholism, I think it's only right

that I sit down and talk to my own mother

about how I impacted her life.

Because it's very easy for me to sit here and talk

about how it affected mine.

Whereas realistically, like, alcoholism is a family illness

and it really, really did impact those closest to me,

and my mum being probably the biggest person I hurt.

This is the Gortin Glen,

and we are around a mile away from Gortin, which is where I grew up.

Hello! Hiya.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Chill out!

Oh, I missed you.

Every alcoholic is capable of lying.

It's just, like, part and parcel of the disease.

She was a professional liar.

In relation to drink, where drink was concerned.

Would not admit, you would not admit to having a problem at all.

And I was left in a very sticky situation

because the manager would contact me,

but there was very little I could do unless I was over there.

And even then, sure, I mean, she still hoodwinked me.

There were so many of those phone calls from my manager to my mum.

And obviously a lot of them I wasn't privy to.

Like, I didn't know they were going on at all. So...

Everyone seemed to know I had a problem but me at the time.

The way she was going on, I think you'd have thought

that she had missed a couple of years and was making up

as a teenager drinking.

But then the phone calls became more, and the stories became more,

and the list of drinking became more.

And not turning up for sessions.

And he'd be ringing me, I had a full-time job.

There was many a day I had to leave work, arrange a flight,

and head straight to England.

I was angry, I was cross. I was...

How do you get to this point in your life?

I suppose you just think, "Oh, there's a quick fix for it."

But there's no quick fix for it.

Whenever she hadn't been in touch for about three days,

to me, if she was at the house not answering the door,

she could have been lying in her vomit. You know, that type of way.

You know, she could have died.

The fear always was there of death, eventually, you know,

if she didn't seek help or get help.

I suppose in a way I dealt with it the best I could.

I think every mother wants the best for their child.

I do still carry trauma and worry for Janet.

There's times that you wonder, is she OK?

Or will she revert back? You know, you just don't know.

But now I have my confidence in her, but there's always a piece in the

back of your head thinking, is this...

..would something trigger it again?

But fair play to her, she hasn't, she hasn't done that.

All I have is my story and my experience,

and how it actually was for me.

SPEAKING ON VIDEO: There are so many ways I can film this intro.

But the quickest one is just to say,

"Hi, I'm Janet, and I'm an alcoholic."

So to finally, like, lift the veil and just tell people what

my actual truth was, was the most liberating and freeing feeling ever.

I knew I was an alcoholic when I was 20.

The reaction was just so positive.

There was definitely, like, a wave of people...

..kind of maybe coming to the realisation that they also

had a problem, from watching it.

You empathise a lot with these people,

because you've also been there.

I think one of the things I really liked about the comments was

people that are getting sober are just like,

"Oh, I'm one week sober."

And just all the comments are just like,

"Congratulations, that's so good!"

And I think that kind of stuff, like, warms my heart,

because I just know the specialness, or the days, like,

how hard it is to get, like, a week or to get a month.

And I just feel like the comments are so positive and so nice

that it's like,

I don't think they understand by responding to those comments,

it's like, "Well done, you've got this!"

Like how much that means to someone in the early days

of recovery, you know.

It's hard going back over this time in my life.

And the terrible thing is that many others have similar experiences.

I'm in Belfast to meet 31-year-old Sian.

Like me, her recovery started in a rehab programme.

So I want to hear what life is like for her after rehab

and how she's coping with her sobriety.

What's the most you've been in a day? Twice? Twice.

Because you can't get any more. It's basically I go to the gym too

cos I'm not a really good sleeper.

But I'm still stuck in a routine from rehab,

getting up in at 6:15 every morning. Yeah, yeah. And then having to do...

Because I never understood within there.

I was like, "Why is this at this time,

"and why have you to do this, and why are you not allowed to do that?"

Because addicts never had a routine in a long time. Yeah.

And it was all because of the routine.

Then I'm still getting up at that time. Do you like the routine?

Yeah. Cos I love routine. So do I. Yeah.

Cos people feel very trapped by routine.

But I feel like addicts, they're like, "Oh, my God, this is..."

You need it, because obviously addiction,

or when I drank, you just went by the day as long as you had a drink.

Yeah, literally. There's no routine then. Are you ready? Yeah, awesome.

Did you get your water? Yeah.

Where do you want...? There? Yeah.

So I put the incline up, you know, really high.

So I just put it right up to the top.

Growing up, I gave my mummy a hard time. I know I did.

I just went completely off the rails before I had the kids.

And then my last week before I went into rehab,

I didn't want to be here. Yeah. I was like, no.

And there's no way out of this. And I made a self referral myself. Yeah.

And because of the lockdown, they were like,

"Sian, we're not taking anybody in at the minute."

And I was like, "Please, take me in." Yeah.

I had them tortured, Janet, like. Mm. See when I went in there,

they were like, "Can you remember phoning me crying, drunk?"

And I would say, no. Yeah. But it's been the best outcome ever, like.

Yeah.

At the end there I was drinking,

and I wasn't giving myself time to have a hangover,

I was drinking as soon as I woke up again.

It was really, really bad.

I always made sure I looked OK whenever I was drinking.

But then when I look back at pictures, I was like...

Cos I started losing my hair and my skin was going a really bad colour.

And then, when I look back,

I do feel really sad at how bad it ended up.

Because I was actually secretly drinking as well.

I was letting on I wasn't drinking,

so I was hiding it in like the cupboards.

And then in rehab I did have to feel like I grieved over alcohol

a wee bit, cos I felt like I'd lost a friend. Yeah.

Cos I depended on it so much. You mourn. Yeah.

I couldn't see the kids for three months, or my family,

because of lockdown. So I only got one 15-minute phone call a week.

I looked forward every single week

for that one phone call off the kids.

I had to build a brand-new life as soon as I got out of rehab.

Everything was so different. And I was very emotional for weeks.

I just felt, well, I don't want to go out.

The thing that just hurt me the most was people think

when you go into rehab, you come out cured.

Yeah, I know. You don't.

It's when the hard work starts, cos you've to surround

yourself round the alcohol, cos it's everywhere.

Cos I had a funeral a few months back,

and it was my first time going into a bar setting.

And I only lasted an hour, I was sweating and stuff.

I was like, "Mummy, I have to go." She was like, "Right, OK." Yeah.

And I just left. Sometimes you just have to do that, though.

You just have to remove yourself from the situation, like.

It's so, so hard.

One of the hardest things I've ever done, going in there.

But it's the best thing I've ever done.

It's quite shocking to hear someone as strong

and physically fit as Sian talk about how alcohol damaged her body.

Damage that she could see in her own skin and hair.

I want to find out more about the harm young women like her

and I are doing to their bodies.

So I've come to the Royal Victoria Hospital in Belfast where

one of our leading liver consultants has

voiced his concern about the growing number of women here

suffering from alcohol-related diseases.

Would you say you've seen a rise in young women coming in to get help?

Yes, certainly over the last number of years, there's definitely a sense

that the number of young ladies we're seeing presenting with

alcohol-related harm in our hospitals is on the increase.

There's no doubt about that, you know.

And in the cases that we tend to see on the liver unit here in the Royal,

often the patients will be at a very advanced stage of liver disease.

Many of them will present with jaundice,

issues with fluid retention,

and complications of liver cirrhosis

such as a condition known as encephalophagy,

where they have drowsiness, confusion,

as a consequence of liver disease.

Increasingly, one of the big presentations we're seeing is

alcohol-related brain damage, where patients are drinking

so excessively that it leads to chronic damage to the brain.

What is the recommended amount of alcohol?

They've recommended for both men and women

the aim should be to drink less than 14 units of alcohol per week.

Aiming to have two to three alcohol-free days a week with that.

Mm. We see cases where ladies have little awareness of what safe

levels of alcohol consumption are.

I think that the sense for a lot of young people is maybe

they feel to a certain extent they are invincible

and they can abuse their bodies with alcohol without suffering

the consequences, you know.

And unfortunately, in many cases, it has a consequence,

both in terms of the physical and mental health of the patient.

It is frightening to hear from a consultant how much physical

harm alcohol does to our bodies, never mind to our lives,

families and relationships.

I wonder what harm I did to my body,

and if I'm still living with that damage.

And is it something that could come back to haunt me in the future?

Along with my mum, my manager Rick saw my worst days of addiction.

I want to find out how my alcoholism impacted him.

Completely oblivious! Me? Yeah. I'm just like, "Na, na, na!"

That's how I first met you.

I couldn't speak to anyone in those days!

I was just like, talking to another human being was like, so terrifying.

When I watched your VT, this little girl sat, you know,

quite flower fairy. Yeah.

Which I know everyone still sees that audition tape, and it

still does well, cos they still think you're that 16-year-old pixie.

Yeah. But I got sucked in, I saw it and I thought, "Wow!"

This picture, I just pictured this, just this pure being writing

poems and writing songs in the middle of nowhere in Ireland!

When I look back at the footage of you on tour... Yeah. ..back then.

I think we were so busy with you, and it was just so...

There was so much going on.

..we were so much going, that when I look back now, I said

to myself the other day, it's like, how did I not see how ill you were?

Like when you were proper, like, anorexic. Yeah.

And I could see, and your little legs and your little waist.

And I'm like, "Oh, my God."

At the time I was self-harming, and I couldn't cover my scars.

I just, I was so out of it that I forgot to cover them. Yeah.

Every bit of media we had to do, I had to, you know, warn them

about your scars. Yeah.

And constantly trying to make sure that in an edit everything

was taken out for you, and it was definitely dark at that period.

I honestly, at that point, didn't have the energy to live.

I remember you were living with me at the time.

Cos when things had gone so...

South. ..so south, it was like you've got one option,

which is to move in with me and my wife.

I said to Cat, like, I'm not qualified for this.

There's something mental health happening here,

but I don't know enough about mental health.

But I remember you saying, "I need you to make me busy."

Yeah. I remember you were always like, "When I'm busy..."

I don't have time to self-destruct. Exactly, and I got that.

And it didn't get better. It didn't get better.

Even coming home and, like, you know, I used to have to send

Cat in to your bedroom to sort of see if you were all right.

Cos sometimes you'd pass out naked and stuff on the bed. Yeah.

This is really scary and really dark.

We'd find bits of sick round the house. Yeah.

The bin down the street was where you'd put your...

Where I'd put the booze, yeah.

So we'd kind of know if you'd been on a bender,

then we could make sure you were OK.

Yeah. That night. It's fucking dark, man. It's so dark.

To try and create something for an artist

who's kind of beamed out is stressful.

Throw in Janet living...

My fault, bringing the artist into my family home,

that then involves my wife...

I'm a... I'm a fucking maniac when it comes to my job. And it's fine.

But it is hard when you dump that pressure on someone else.

It did affect our relationship.

But, erm...

Pff...

I've got more respect for... For her, yeah. So...

I don't know how they survived that. I really, really don't.

And I don't know how...

..I put them through it.

Like...

But I kind of do, because I just know that I didn't want to live.

It's as simple as that.

It just felt like I wasn't built for this Earth in some way.

The almost dying got so exhausting.

Like, it was tiring to try and take my life on numerous occasions,

and wake up.

That feeling of failure just exhausts you to your bones

and to your core.

Because you just feel so hopeless, so worthless,

that, what's the point, what is the point in getting better?

And it's just the truth that alcoholism will take lives.

And it doesn't matter, like, how high up that pecking order

you are, it will take your life away from you if you let it.

I didn't realise it at the time, but I can see now that

my mental health played a massive role in my addiction to alcohol.

But what's the relationship between the two?

Where does one stop and the other begin?

To find out more, I'm going to meet

Dr Donna Mullen from the Royal College of Psychiatrists.

So, when did you specifically go in to psychiatry for addiction?

Oh, about 2006.

Alcohol-specific death rates

in women in Northern Ireland

are now higher than they are in other parts of the UK.

And they have increased by two-thirds over the past 20 years,

so they have increased by almost 66% in the last 20 years.

So we really do have a problem in relation to women and alcohol here.

And that is something that we need to address.

There are high rates of mental health issues,

personality disorders and trauma in the female patients coming through.

For me, I personally have borderline personality disorder.

And bipolar type II.

You've got a collection!

I've got a collection going, yeah!

So that meant that, you know,

when I was younger and when I was in active addiction, like, I couldn't

differentiate between me and my mental illnesses,

because I didn't really know how to process them.

So in a way of like coping, like, I used alcohol to cope.

We talk about almost like the intrinsic link between mental

health and addiction and just how hand-in-hand those things go.

Well, I don't really see the split, I suppose.

That's the thing for me as a psychiatrist working

in addictions, you know, I consider it to be a mental health issue.

And I think that the split is a bit artificial in some way

because addiction is a mental health issue.

And the two do come hand-in-hand a lot of the time.

You really do need to try to shatter the stigma in a way, you know,

because anybody could become dependent on alcohol.

You know, all it takes is drinking enough alcohol regularly enough

to become physically dependent on it. Yeah.

But you can also be emotionally dependent on it too if you have,

you know, if you have mood swings like you do

with personality disorder,

then, you know, it's very easily done.

It took me a long time to seek help and to realise how

closely my addiction was linked to my mental health.

But seeing and treating them

as part of the same thing is a massive realisation for me.

Addiction can take every ounce of good that you have in your life,

and it will take every ounce of good from your life.

I spent every ounce of my being portraying this idea

that everything was fine.

When, behind the scenes, I was broken.

I'm really starting to understand the different ways

an addict can damage the lives of those around them,

those who love them.

And for Christine in Newtownards, alcohol was to have a devastating

effect on her family in a way that she could never have foreseen.

That's a balloon my friends bought.

At my sister's funeral, I thought it would be a good idea

for everyone to wear purple or lilac,

just to kind of keep it bright.

Instead of, you know, black and dark,

we wanted it to kind of resemble her.

So everyone kind of associates Abbi with purple and lilac now.

She was really looking forward to her 21st birthday.

I just thought it was a big birthday and instead of kind of being sad,

we would kind of just have a celebration of her life.

Our mum took her own life eight years ago.

Just something we've never got over.

Towards the end, Mum's mental health was really, really deteriorating.

And she would have drunk a lot in the end.

Mum's decision was based on alcohol.

It wasn't a sober decision, and she was drunk.

Abbi was only 11 at the time.

A time where she really needed her mum.

I think when something like that happens to you,

you're never really the same person.

Abbi didn't have a problem with drink at all.

She had bad times, the same as everyone.

Some days she missed my mum - most days she would have missed my mum.

She went to a party,

and what happened to our mum

happened to another guy's mum at the party.

And this was the topic of conversation.

My sister told the guys in the party

a lie that my dad was waiting on her.

And she left the party

and walked down the street a wee bit and took her own life.

She just literally got too much drink and made a stupid decision.

That wouldn't have happened if she was sober.

Abbi was 20.

Today is Abbi's 21st birthday.

Hi, how are you doing? How are you? I'm not too bad. I'm not too bad.

How are you doing? Yeah, I'm all good. Yeah.

How long have you not had alcohol for now?

So I got three years sober, and then I relapsed

and then now I've been sober for almost three years again.

That's crazy. Yeah! One or two glasses for me is fine.

But getting drunk is kind of a no-go.

I just don't feel safe even getting drunk.

And would you say what happened has stopped you from drinking?

Definitely, yeah, I would be scared to be drunk, yeah.

Because of how I feel inside at the minute, I would definitely

be scared of the type of behaviour I would be if I was drunk. Mm.

So, yeah, definitely it's just best to have a few glasses.

For me, like, the alcohol made everything a million times worse.

I already had a mood disorder,

but I was pumping myself full of alcohol.

So you just didn't want to be here, did you? No.

I, on multiple occasions,

drank so much that I tried to take my own life multiple times.

And there's only been one time in my life

where I've tried to take my own life sober.

And all the rest was through alcohol. Alcohol. Mm-hm.

Have you spoke to any family before that's lost, like...?

I've never sat down with someone who's actually lost someone.

And I think as well, it's like the fear of me

having to know that that's what I could have done to my family.

It's crazy.

And, like, you do know how much heartache that would cause,

like, if you didn't wake up, or...?

I think at the time when I was trying to take my own life,

I wasn't thinking about...

Anyone else. Yeah. Anyone else. It didn't matter.

The only way I could ever describe it to people was like,

my body felt like a burning building.

And that

existing was causing me so much pain that the only relief...

I get that. ..was to just jump out. I get that.

And that's, that was the closest thing.

That was the thing that pushed me over the edge to, you know, to,

you know, try and take my own life. Yeah.

But I think, obviously now when I'm older, like,

I just would have been passing that exact feeling,

that exact feeling of living in a burning building

onto, like, everyone in my life.

What you'd be leaving them in, like, you don't think about it. At all.

And I'm just really sad,

I'm just really sorry that you've had to go through that.

The tragedy of Christine's story is hard to take in.

And I'm so glad she's getting the support to cope with her grief.

It makes me so thankful that I sought help and got into rehab

and recovery before I totally ruined my own life

or the lives of my family.

There is definitely cultural implications as to why

alcoholism can thrive here in Northern Ireland.

Our nightlife is built around drinking.

And you just have to ask yourself, if you're planning a night out

with your friends, and you plan it without booze, where are you going?

There's not that many options.

Even after six years, it's still weird to go out and not drink.

You're almost like apologising for not drinking, you know what I mean?

It's still very strange.

So I think what's becoming more clear listening to other women

talk about their experiences of being a mum or losing their mum,

it's almost like society has accepted that men can fall

victim to alcoholism, but we refuse to see it in women.

We refuse to acknowledge the impact that has on their lives

and just the things we expect women to do.

We expect women to be good mums,

we expect them to be all empathetic, all loving.

I feel like there's a whole other level of pressure,

a whole other level of stress.

Even just like getting pregnant, having a baby,

trying to be an alcoholic, addict, and be a mother.

Like, I can't even imagine.

Because, like, I already just see the stress I put on my mum.

I can't even imagine trying to be a mum, and be an addict at the same.

Like, yeah, it's just unreal.

So I've come to Maghera to meet Imelda who is

brand-new at the start of her recovery journey.

And taking my own mind back to whenever I started,

like, it is incredibly daunting.

So I know exactly what she's going through.

Hiya. Hey! Come in. You're very welcome. Thank you so much.

I started drinking when I was 16.

Started going out quite early.

Then it became like a binge drinking thing,

so, every weekend, you know?

But it was always social drinking then.

Me and Jay got a home together and...

..I started having like a cider at night, before bed.

And then I started drinking wine, and then I fell pregnant

about three months after I moved into the house.

My drinking got heavier after that.

Fast forward a bit, I had two more children

and they were emergency sections.

My last child was actually born the day before my mum passed away.

So it was really, really difficult.

It was just like a year ago, and it was the very first Covid,

so she didn't get to meet her or anything.

It was really, really, really difficult.

Since then, my drinking just escalated.

Got dark, drinking on my own to pass out.

My children sort of suffered from that.

Yeah. You know, because they seen it.

I felt like it got to the stage where I was winging it as a mummy.

It was costing me more than money, basically.

So I decided to go to AA.

Gemma Rose?

You're tired today, aren't you?

I actually drank that night, the night that I came home.

The night that I got the news that Mummy had passed away.

There wasn't much thought behind it,

it was just what I was used to doing and to suppress

how I was feeling, I was just...

I didn't know what else to do.

She was like the other half of me.

How many days home were you?

If I'm being completely honest,

two and a half weeks, but it nearly was the three.

This week, I had a slip-up because...it was on Tuesday,

because just something happened at work

and then I went to AA on Wednesday

and it got me back, you know, again,

and I'm really just taking it each day as it comes now.

I haven't actually decided yet whether I'm calling myself

an alcoholic or not. I don't know.

I want to take control now, it controlled me for a long time.

Yeah, that's an important thing, isn't it? Yeah.

I kind of feel as if my mum is giving me strength.

I feel like she's with me all the time, um,

so I miss her so much.

And I know she would want me to stop drinking. Yeah.

So that's what I'm doing, and she's giving me signs

that I'm on the right path.

So that's where I'm going. And I've her legacy to carry on.

So that's what I'm going to do.

Yeah, that's amazing.

I'm still early days, I'm also doing counselling now on a Sunday morning.

It's going really, really well

and I'm feeling strong at the minute.

Don't beat myself up any more about, you know, as much

about things because...

You have to be kind to yourself.

I'm trying to do that.

Wow, people left flowers.

All the women I've met have gone to hell and back,

and not one of them travelled the same way.

Zoe, Sian, Christine, Imelda, Tamsin.

They've all either lost someone or nearly lost themselves

through the destructive effects of the most socially acceptable drug

in the world.

But the one thing I have taken away from all of them

is that we can survive.

We can rebuild our lives.

But to do so, we need at least two things - hope and help.

I love how it looks, I think it's just beautiful.

Stunning.

I'm glad I got butterflies on it.

I got her favourite wee quote,

"one day at a time".

I'm just glad about it, like, all of it.

I do love getting up here, and seeing her because it's where

I'm close to her.

It's the closest place I am to her

is her resting place.

So long as they know we'll always remember her.

We're always going to remember her anyway.

She'll be a hard person to forget.

Sad that it's all done, but I'm happy it's done,

but I can't do it again for her, this is something I have to stare at

all my life now,

and I'm glad it looks the way it does, I really am.

If I'm being honest, I didn't ever think I would reach

the age I am today.

To think of a future is hard.

I'm not going to lie.

I would like to be happy, at least.

Happy, comfortable.

A bit wealthy!

But I would just like to be able to look back and tell the grandkids

a story that has a positive ending, you know?

Yeah.

I've been in recovery now for almost six years,

and it was the hardest,

but most liberating part of my life.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I was incredibly lucky

that I had a great support system.

I don't think I would have been able to do it without them, and I never

would have thought I would proudly call myself an alcoholic one day.

But I am.

Society portrays the alcoholic very differently

than how I see the alcoholic.

I see the alcoholic as a person...

..with feelings, with a past,

but with a present and a future.

I just want people...

..to see the alcoholic as a person...

..with potential.