Original subtitles

[upbeat rock music]

- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

- ♪ Ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow ♪

- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow, meow ♪

- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

[music crescendos]

♪ ♪

- Yah! Yah!

- Why is Jill destroying our doghouse

with the sledgehammer that came with her Gallagher costume?

[gasps] They canceled "Outlander."

We have to do something.

- Let's find a new Jill.

This one's broken.

- No, I'll just go out there, tilt my head,

show her my belly.

But if that doesn't calm her down--

- I'll kill her. - [grunts]

- Oh, Jill. [whimpering]

- Oh, there you are.

I have a surprise for you! [scary music]

- Chief, you're up.

- Nice knowing you, lady.

[growling]

- Ta-dog!

- Oh, my God, it's the house

that every little puppy dreams of.

- I had a big breakthrough in therapy

and accepted the fact that I'm never going to have kids.

So enjoy your new house.

I'm totally fine. [laughs]

[sobbing]

- Chief, this place is ours.

- Ohh, yeah.

I can't wait to pee inside you.

- Double-height ceilings, separate rooms,

and the commute to work--

it took me 30 seconds to get here.

- Well, let's go see it.

I want the tour.

- Um, that's definitely something

we should do some time,

just as soon as we're settled.

Chief is still turning around in circles

trying to figure out where to sit.

- Not long now!

- I'm sorry, are we just going to ignore the most

noteworthy thing in this room--

the fact that Tabitha doesn't have fur.

- That's not Tabitha.

It's obviously some deformed baby walrus.

- Gray One. - Oh, my God, it's Tabitha!

[chuckles] You look great.

- Last night, Brett and Stelios had

"RuPaul Drag Race" watching party.

I was ready for big reveal.

♪ ♪

[all gasp]

[screaming]

I was serving Joan of Arc realness.

- It's like she's inside out.

- It's more like she's a beautiful newborn pony

trapped in a sausage casing.

- Excuse me? This crowd is insulting my looks?

- You know, so much of your life

has been focused on appearance.

This is a great opportunity for you to explore

what's on the inside.

- That is what is said to ugly cats.

I do not stay where I am not worshipped.

- I'll go after her.

I need the steps.

Tabitha! Tabitha! Tabitha! [panting]

Do you want some company on your way home?

I've got time. Kevin won't miss me.

Our love is beyond words, or affection.

- You are feeling sorry for me? [scoffs]

- Well, I mean, you're practically naked.

Here, take this.

- Oof, even without my gorgeous fur,

I am still 100% that bitch.

Leave me alone. [huffs]

- Well, that's cool. Yeah, I think I'll head home, too.

It's this way.

Or is it that way?

- Oh, my God, it's a stray.

[gasps] Oh, come here

sweet guy! - [yelps]

I'm rescuing you.

- Let's see if he has a microchip.

- Did you steal that from the vet?

- They were throwing it out.

- [yowls] [beeps]

- Don't you worry, big fella.

Before you know it, you'll be back with your owner,

Lonnie Shankman.

- I'm sorry, who now?

[fancy music]

- I just love this open concept,

all the natural light.

Wait, there's an elevator?

[bell dinging] Going up. Going down.

Going up. Going down.

Going up. - Aw, it's my turn

to go up and down, up and down.

- ♪ Knock, knock ♪

- We have company! [gasps]

Oh, my God, it's those fancy angora bunnies

from down the block.

- What? They've never even talked to us before.

- Well, why would they? We lived in

that dilapidated doghouse.

We were scum.

- Oh, my God, how am I supposed to act?

- Act fancy. Speak in a British accent.

- You must be our new neighbors,

Chip and Fluffy Bunny.

- Honey and Chief. We don't have last names.

[both laugh] - Oh, Chip, isn't she precious?

- Yeah, yeah, she's great. - Welcome to the neighborhood.

Now that you live here, you are part of

an elite club of homeowners.

- Well, you got the Sparrows, [chirping]

the Catses, [purring]

- And King Poopy Pants McWhiskers III.

He hasn't left the castle since his anus prolapsed.

- Well, we must get to know each other better.

Are you free for dinner and drinks tonight?

- Absolutely!

- Sounds divine.

Chief, do you have anything fancy to add?

- Heh. [with accent] I could do worse

than a schmooze and a nosh.

- OK.

See you tonight.

- What the hell was that?

- You told me to speak with a Yiddish accent.

- British, Chief. A British accent.

- [with accent] Heh, you tell me this now?

[sad music]

- Even without my fur, I am--

- Cream of the cat crop.

- [gasps] That is what I was going to say.

Are you the devil? - Devilish.

My name is Claude. I'm surprised

we've never met before.

I thought I knew all the follicle-divergent cats

in the neighborhood. - Oh, well, you don't know me.

- Hold on there. Arrogant,

emotionally closed off,

skin that won't quit?

You are crazy if you think I'm gonna give up that easy.

- [laughs] And you are crazy to think

that you are in my league.

But what the hell, follow me, and I will continue

to reject you all the way home.

[upbeat music]

- Guys, I think there's been a mistake.

My owner's name is Kevin.

Rhymes with heaven.

- This is it.

[rings doorbell]

- Can I help you?

Oh, my God! Prince! Is that you?

- No. No, it's not.

[yowls]

- It's just so gratifying.

- [munching]

- Chief, I asked you to put out the pig ears

and uncork the squirrel pee.

The Bunnies will be here soon.

- [groans]

[creaking] - What was that?

- [with accent] One of the floor boards is loose.

- Why do you sound like Jay Leno after a stroke?

- I'm perfecting my British accent.

Blah! - Keep working on it.

In the meantime, can you fix the floorboard?

- Uh, no. I'll call a handyman.

Raccoon! We need your hands, man!

♪ ♪

- And there's the two of us on Santa's lap

the two of us in Cabo.

Oh, my Prince, I am so sorry for losing you.

- And you're losing me now.

Listen, Lonnie, was it?

I have an owner. - Do you still like scratches

on your special spot?

- ♪ Hush, little Princie don't say a word ♪

- Oh, my God, I am the cat formerly known as Prince.

♪ ♪

- So I said, "I don't care if you call me Bugs Bunny,

just as long as I get that carrot."

[laughter]

- So did she get the carrot or--

- I don't know. Just laugh.

- [laughs]

[with accent] Dat's hilarious, mon.

[whispers] British. - Nope.

- Welp, that floorboard won't be

giving you any more problems.

Hey, aren't you those snobby bunnies

who never say hello when I'm going through your trash?

- Aren't you that raccoon who rents that shed

and eats garbage with his hands?

- The one and only.

I didn't know we were having a block party.

- We're not. Raccoon, this water is for our guests.

[splashing] - Oh, that's OK.

- ♪ Da da da da da ♪ - Well, that's our cue.

- No, stay.

Raccoon was just about to be kicked out.

- I was? Ohh, right.

I'm not a guest.

I'm the help.

[thud]

Raccoon out.

♪ ♪

- [snoring]

- Morning, my Prince.

- [purring] - Ready to have

the best day ever?

- You let me sleep on your face,

and you're saying it gets better?

♪ So this is what it's like to have a best friend ♪

♪ We're spending our days enjoying each other ♪

both: ♪ Yeah, this is what it's like ♪

♪ To have a best friend ♪

- ♪ I'm your furless dad ♪

both: ♪ And you're my furry brother ♪

[laughter] - Let's go home,

and I'll rub your belly while I fill it with tuna.

- Oh, Lonnie, I didn't know I was lost

until I was found by you.

- [muffled yelling]

- Oh! I almost forgot.

Prince, this is Paul.

He's a friend I made while you were taking a bathroom break

in the sandbox.

- Um, Lonnie, what the hell's going on here?

I thought I was your friend.

[upbeat music]

- I mean, at first, Lonnie couldn't

have been more attentive.

And he stroked me like an ever-loving Bond villain.

But ever since Paul came along,

Lonnie doesn't sharpen knives with me anymore.

He doesn't shop for plastic sheeting with me.

- Well, what's so great about Paul, besides his name?

- Beats me. He just sits in the basement screaming,

"Help! Help!" 24 hours a day.

- Why don't you just go back to Kevin

so we can stop talking about this?

- New Chico. Who Kevin?

- Well, as a homeowner,

I get the plastic sheeting part.

But why would you want your knives to be dull?

- Like this conversation until I started speaking.

There is a cat who is obsessed with me.

- Is her name Tabitha?

- No, he is he/him, named Claude.

He wants to torture and kill a mouse with me.

So obviously, he knows a good time.

But he is hairless and disgusting to look at.

And I have standards.

- Ugh, we know.

- Maybe it's time to lower those standards,

not that you're not the prettiest pickled pig fetus

at the science fair.

But you could use this as an opportunity

to connect with another cat on a more meaningful level.

- [chuckles] That's rich.

Why don't you lower your standards?

- Uh, what's happening?

- Your precious therapist threw a dinner party last night,

which I wasn't allowed to crash because I'm not fancy enough.

- Honey, if this is true, I find it

completely unforgivable.

- Thank you. - That you would throw

a dinner party and not invite us?

- What do you think, you're better than us?

- No, no, not better, per se.

- Gah, next you're going to be selling a candle that

smells like your poop shoot.

- I'll take one. - Make that two.

But ever since you got that house,

that's all you care about.

- That's not true. - Prove it.

- Um--um, I--

how about this?

I let you have the house all to yourself tonight.

Chief and I will just slum it in the laundry room,

like the rest of you commoners, um, creatures.

- You mean it?

You'll let me stay in your precious special mansion?

- Yeah, it's yours.

- OK, then, thank you very much.

- So this butt candle--

do I have to light it for the smell?

And can I get it as a bath bomb?

- Mmm, this food has very interesting texture.

How do you pronounce it again?

- Gordita.

Stop right there. I must paint you.

- Oh, well, I have certainly looked better, but--

- Us hairless cats have to let go of what others think of us.

- Yes, us hairless cats.

- Besides, I'm not painting how you look.

I am painting who you are.

- [gulps]

- Tell me something true. - OK.

- No, not from your head,

from your spirit. - Well--

- Tell me your biggest fear from the deepest chasm

of your soul.

- All right, I've built up a wall around me

that will keep me from ever truly

connecting with another cat!

[gasps]

- Well, I wouldn't worry about that anymore.

- [gasps] It's beautiful.

- What do you see?

[gentle guitar music] - I see me.

♪ ♪

[singing in foreign language]

- Oh, hey, Scabitha, still seeing

that wrinkled bag of pink?

- Yes, I'm still seeing Claude,

who I don't even notice is incredibly hideous,

because I am in love.

- I wonder, what's going to happen when

your hair starts growing back?

- Claude doesn't care what I look like.

- [chuckles] Now, that's obvious.

But he might care that you lied.

- Oh, crap.

[upbeat music]

- There's my one and only.

Want to rub my belly, big felly?

- You stay here, buddy. Daddy's just running out

to get some more hydrochloric acid and piano wire for Paul.

- Paul, Paul, Paul.

Where's my hydrochloric piano?

- Help! Help me! I've been abducted.

Can anybody hear me?

My name is Paul Pressman.

- OK, Paul, there's not enough Lonnie for both of us.

[yowls]

[struggling efforts]

Just let go, Paul.

Don't fight it!

- Oh! Oh, I'm free!

[suspenseful music]

[grunts]

- And stay out!

[club music playing]

[laughter] [excited chatter]

- Whoa! - Yeah! It's more fun!

- Whoa!

Oh! [glass shatters]

[knock at door]

Again! [laughs]

[knocking at door] - What the hell?

- I need you to shave me.

[glass shatters] [club music pounding]

- Chief, do you hear that?

Raccoon and his friends are tearing up the place.

What will King Poopy Pants think?

- Then just go shut the party down.

- After I promised Raccoon the house?

I can't have him thinking I'm a D-bag.

Ooh, but I don't care what he thinks about Jill.

[barking] Jill!

- Now, this blade may be a little worn down.

My last client was a porcupine.

[razor buzzing]

[police sirens chirping] - Raid!

[crashing] [all clamoring]

- No, you have to finish.

- Sorry, cat, it's Animal Control,

and I've already got two strikes.

- [whimpers]

- Ugh, here.

Now, run!

[intense music]

Ah! No!

Ah, ugh! Poodle set me up.

[police radio chatter]

[handcuffs click] - Wow.

- I didn't know Jill would call the po-po.

- Just wow.

- I thought she was just going to get her umbrella

and open and close it really fast.

- What's going to happen to him?

- Don't worry. He won't be killed.

We're just going to relocate him deep into the woods.

- Where he'll be killed. - He'll be fine.

He's a wild animal, who cuts hair, brews his own kombucha,

and cries at YouTube videos of deaf babies

hearing their mom's voice for the first time.

Oh, my God, he's gonna die out there.

[rustling]

- Hey, get out of there, you filthy, freaky mole rat.

- Gray One. - Oh, hey, Tabitha,

you look great.

- What are you doing here? - A couple of foxes

told me about the wild party.

What are you doing?

- Looking for Raccoon's razor, or maybe

laser hair removal Groupon.

I have a date with Claude soon, and I have

to find a way to lose this.

- Oh, Tabs, if you never show him your true self,

you'll never get a chance to be loved for who you really are.

- That is beautiful.

- Oh, that's not me.

That's a line from the upcoming Broadway musical

"How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days."

- [sighs] I will do the right thing and tell the truth,

that I am not hideous, disgusting,

hairless freak like he is.

- ♪ I only got 10 days to lose this guy ♪

♪ Lose this guy in the next 10 days ♪

Oh, that's gonna be a hit.

[upbeat music]

- Lonnie! Finally, some quality time.

What should we do first?

I could nuzzle up in your boxers

while you go to the bathroom.

[wind gusting] - [gasps]

Paul?

Paul? Where'd Paul go?

[suspenseful music]

Oh, where the hell is Paul?

- Keep that man's name out of your mouth!

- We have to get out of here.

[gasps] - You! Drop the chonky cat

and put your hands in the air. [cocks gun]

- No more new friends!

- Ahh! - [yowling]

- [sniffing]

- Honey, we've been looking for over two nap cycles.

This is more like hound work.

- Well, we don't know any hounds.

Besides, this is your fault.

If you knew how to fix a floorboard,

I never would have been embarrassed by Raccoon

and tried to distance myself from him,

humiliating him in front of those bunnies

I don't even like in the first place.

- Arr! [with accent] Don't turn this around on me,

you landlubber.

You'll just be mad at your old self.

- Still not British. But you're right.

I'm sorry. I'm just--

- Let's find a safe harbor and get us some rum.

Yo ho! Yo ho! A British life for me.

[gasps] What's that?

- Up yonder? That's Deers,

our friendly neighborhood watering hole,

where everybody knows your name.

- Hey, I know my name! [laughs]

[upbeat piano theme]

Hello, there.

[all seething]

- [whispers] Act natural.

- [with accent] Chief's the name.

Cheerios, Lucky Charms, Honey Bunches of Oats.

- [growls]

What do we have here, huh?

Little Lord Dogleroy.

- Now is when you nail the accent?

♪ ♪

- Hey, beautiful, you ready to take a walk?

- Claude, there is-- there is something I need to tell you.

- Well, go ahead, babe. You know you can tell me anything.

- Maybe it's better I show you.

Please remove kerchief.

[suspenseful music]

- [gasps] You're a hairy.

I don't know what to say.

- I'm sorry I lied.

- It's OK. I understand why you lied.

You had to.

You're disgusting.

- You're grossed out by me?

- I'm just not a hair guy.

- But I-- I was grossed out by you first.

- I can't believe we almost barbed.

- And I can't believe I was almost attracted

to what was on the inside.

♪ ♪

- [sighs] First Lonnie, then Kevin, then Lonnie again.

Maybe I'm just destined to be alone.

- There you are, Chico.

- Kevin!

- I saw you on the news.

Come here, my big, brave buddy.

- [meows]

- You have no idea how much I missed you.

Dude, my cat just, like, totally prevented a murder.

There's usually a reward for that, right?

- I have an extra ticket to the upcoming Broadway musical

"How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days."

♪ I only got 10 days to lose this guy ♪

♪ Lose this guy in the next 10 days ♪

Oh, it's going to be a hit.

♪ ♪

- Hey, you fancy British house dogs,

why don't you take your doggy daycare selves back home

and drink out of your own personalized dog bowls?

- [with accent] I would like to nip off about now.

- Drop the accent.

- [with accent] What accent? Oh, no.

I can't get rid of it.

I've gone full Madonna.

- Um, I'm not with this fancy dog.

I'm just a humble woods critter looking

to wet my whistle after a long day of crittering.

Crap.

- How about a little less conversation

and a little more mutilation?

[snarling]

- Back off, Bob.

- Whatever you say, Thumbs.

- Oh, Raccoon.

- It's no fun being treated like an outsider, is it?

- Wait!

Raccoon, wait.

I can't believe you saved me, especially after last night.

- And tomorrow, you're going to go

right back to your easy, domesticated life

and right back to seeing me as some dirty animal

who lives in a shed.

- But you do live in a shed.

And the rest of the time, you're in garbage cans, so--

- Well, not everything in garbage cans

likes to be treated like garbage.

I've been underestimated my whole life.

But it hurts the most when you do it.

- Wait, isn't that from your one-raccoon show

after your dad says you'll never be an architect?

- Technically, yes, but it still applies.

- You're right.

I got so caught up in keeping up with the Bunnies

I forgot who my friends are.

- I'm your friend. - Of course you are.

And I hope you can forgive me because the floorboard

is doing that thing again.

I'm kidding. I mean, I'm not kidding about the floorboard.

It still squeaks.

But I'd hope that you'd fix it as a friend

and not as a handyman.

You know, friends do favors for each other, too.

I'm glad you're not dead.

- If that was an apology, I forgive you.

You know, friends also give friends

free poodle rides for a month.

- Free poo-- Fine. Get on.

- To Deers! - [sighs]

[upbeat music]

- I want to apologize for not welcoming you all

into my home sooner.

Tabitha, it's good to not see your face again

[chuckles] because of the hair.

- No, I got it.

- So how are things with Claude?

- You mean Fraud?

Hmph. I dump him way before he dump me.

Yes, this whole time I worry that I am

not enough on the inside.

But then my hair grew back.

And I realize my outside is enough.

- Aww! Well, I wasn't enough for Lonnie.

And now he's being held in the federal detention center

on eight counts of murder.

- [with accent] Darling, wee fun Raccoon

is putting a gas fireplace in the primary bedroom.

- He's not certified for that.

[explosion booms]

[car alarms wailing]

- Oh, no!

[gasps] The explosion knocked the British out of me.

- And all our hair off, again.

- Sorry about your house.

- Eh, it's probably for the best.

- So do you guys have insurance?

Or do none of us know what that is?

- Bento. [cheering]

- That's nice, Jen and Gabby.

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