Original subtitles

Oh, what's for dinner?

- Lemon chicken.

- Again?

- What did you make?

- Nothin'.

- Hey, daddy.

- Hey, pooky. Hi. How was school?

- Good.

- Ally made a new friend-- daniel.

- Daniel? A boy.

- He's coming over on Saturday.

- Coming over, yeah?

Don't you think you should, like,

Meet for coffee and see how that goes?

- [laughs]

- Well, ally, I'm looking forward

To meeting your gentleman caller,

And I hope daniel realizes

That he's getting involved with a very special young lady.

- Don't worry, honey.

Daddy won't be here when he comes over.

- Good.

- You're gonna want me there

When it's time to pay for the wedding, though,

Aren't you? Yeah.

- So, hey, ally asked that boy to come over?

That's a little forward there, don't you think?

- Oh, please.

If women waited for men to ask,

The entire species would die out.

- What are you talking about?

We wouldn't have gotten together

If it wasn't for me.

- You? We got together in spite of you.

- No. Get outta here.

It was all me, okay?

I came, I saw, I conquered, baby.

- You know, as much as I would like to blame you,

Us getting together is my fault.

- That's not the way I remember it.

- That's exactly how it happened.

- No. No, no. - Yes. What?

- Don't you remember?

Okay, listen, I got to shower,

So it'll be, like, 20 minutes.

Okay. Bye.

[doorbell rings]

Yes?

- Hey, got your futon delivery.

- Oh. I forgot that was today.

Um, okay, bring it in.

- Don't drag it, dopey.

The lady paid for it already.

- Slow down. Let me get a grip on it.

- Where's this goin'?

- Um, like somewhere in here.

- You got to tell me when you're dropping it.

Come on, you've been doing that all day.

- What are you doing? - Nothing.

Hey, how are you?

- I'll go get the frame.

- Okay.

I delivered one of these to cher yesterday.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah. She wasn't there.

Her assistant was there.

I'm not really a futon guy.

I'm gonna be a writer.

- You know, now that I think about it,

Can you just put it over there instead?

- Yeah. I can do that now.

- You can?

- Yeah. Yeah. I don't need him.

- Yeah. That would be great.

- So, where do you want it?

- [screams]

Oh! I'm sorry! Wait. Are you okay?

- I'm fine, I'm fine. What are you doing?

- I don't know.

- What are you doing? - Give me a hand.

- Pick it up. Pick it up.

I'm sorry. Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

- You sure? - Yeah. Fine.

All right, I'm sorry. - Don't worry about it.

- Hey, lucky I'm not delivering your refrigerator.

[both laugh]

- Okay, could you just excuse me for a minute?

- Yeah. We got it. Go ahead.

Yeah, you go run for cover.

She's pretty, man.

- Yeah, I could see why you'd want to smother her

With the futon.

- She's different, though.

She's, like, different kind of pretty.

You know, natural, walk-on-the-beach,

Have-a-wine-cooler, kind of pretty, you know?

- Let's get the frame started.

Then you can write her a poem.

- She laughed at my joke, man.

You see that? She laughed.

You think she's got a boyfriend?

- I don't know.

Check out the pictures.

- I don't see any guys.

There's no guys.

Hey, maybe she likes women.

- Nah, if she was like that,

She'd be putting this thing together herself.

Ask her out, big nose.

- No, what? Her? Go out with me?

No, no, no. Yeah?

- Stranger things have happened.

I can't think of any.

- Nah. I live with my parents.

- Fine. Then I'll ask her out.

- No. No. You can't.

- Why not?

- 'cause.

You're the futon guy.

- You're the assistant futon guy.

I'm asking her out.

- No. I'll do it.

She laughed at my joke, man.

I'm gonna do it.

So...

I'll get the clipboard thing,

And then I can write that thing down.

- [laughing]

- What?

- Nothing.

My friend is all nervous

'cause he likes you or something.

He wants to ask you out.

- Oh. Really?

- What? You got a boyfriend?

- No, it's just that...

- Let me ask you something.

You think you could put this thing together yourself?

- I got it. Got the forms. Okay.

All right. Gianni, you almost done now?

Let me help you. - No, no, no--I got it.

You do what you got to do.

- Okay.

Okay.

Hey, music. You like music?

- Uh, yeah.

- Yeah, me, too. Music is good. Yeah.

It's a nice apartment you got here.

- Oh, thanks.

- It's a nice neighborhood.

A lot of nice places to eat around here.

- Yeah, I know. - You know what's good?

That chinese place

With the crazy grandmother who screams at you.

- Oh, yeah, china star. Oh, I love that place.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You know what she's screaming?

- Yeah. "habba nye dah!"

She's cra--

She's crazy.

- She's saying, "have a nice day."

- Oh.

Oh.

Maybe she's not crazy, then.

- I love that place.

- Yeah. Me, too.

So...

You almost done, gianni, or what?

- Are you?

- So maybe I'll see you there sometime, hmm?

- Where?

- China star.

- Oh, well, yeah.

If you're in there, and I'm in there,

Then, yeah.

You got to sign, um... - Okay.

- I'll probably be there for lunch tomorrow.

You talking about it made me really hungry for it.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Actually, I just had chinese today.

- Oh, my god.

- But sometimes, when I go back two days in a row,

I just--I order something different, you know?

Like shrimp.

So if I was to go back there

And order the shrimp,

Would you want to... Go with me?

- Yeah. Sure.

- Yeah?

Oh, great. Great.

I told you I was gonna be a writer, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah. What a way with words.

Let's go. - All right, okay.

All right, so then, what,

Like, 1:00 tomorrow?

- Yeah. That'd be great.

- Okay. Good. All right.

Good. Great.

So, then tomorrow. 1:00. Right?

- Oh. I'm ray. - I'm debra.

- Hi. Nice to meet you.

Okay, so tomorrow, then. - Yeah, great.

- All right. Good, great.

Habba nye dah!

[both laugh]

Hoo hoo hoo!

Am I the man, or what?

- Oh, yeah, you're the man.

You should have your genitals revoked.

- [as muhammad ali] oh, I'm so pretty.

I'm so pretty. I'm so pretty.

- Hey, beautiful.

You forgot to give her the futon cover.

- Oh. Oh, yeah.

[water running] - coming.

- What?

- Coming.

Aah! - Oh!

- What do you want? What are you doing?

- You said, "come in." - I said, "coming."

- It sounded like "come in."

- What's up?

- Would you excuse me, please?

- Okay, I'm sorry. Look, I didn't see anything.

- Yes, you did.

- I know. I'm sorry.

- Totally naked?

- Yup.

- Totally naked?

A beautiful woman, totally naked,

Facing you.

- Yes.

- Another gift for raymond.

I burst into places all the time.

I raid massage parlors.

You know who I get to see naked?

Fat guys.

Fat, hairy, bald guys.

You get to go out with a naked girl.

- Oh, I'm not going out with her.

Are you kidding? She thinks I'm a pervert.

- And she's the one running around naked.

- In her own apartment.

No, I didn't turn away fast enough.

- Well, how fast did you turn?

- I don't know. Like this. Ooh!

- Where's the turn?

- Oh, my god. I didn't turn!

I didn't even turn. See? Forget it.

There's no way I could ever go out with her.

- Yes, you can.

- No. The whole time,

She'll know that all I'm thinking about

Is her breasts.

- Well, don't think about them.

- "don't think about them."

Yeah. Don't think about zebras.

Go.

- Wow.

- Yeah. See?

What are you thinking about?

- A zebra with breasts.

- That's it. That's why.

There's no way I can go out with her.

- Listen, you have to.

You've achieved more before the first date

Than I usually do

By the end of a relationship.

- Forget it. I already called.

I canceled anyway.

I left a message on her machine.

- Seems like a terrible waste of a naked girl.

- Robbie, your father's coming home soon.

- Yeah?

- You're sitting in his chair.

You know how upset he gets

If he sees your imprint in his chair.

[doorbell rings]

- Ah, he can kiss my imprint.

- It's just that he's working so hard.

That's all.

I can't wait till your father retires.

Oh, he's gonna be so much more pleasant then.

- Well, hello there.

- Hi. Is this 319 fowler?

- Why, yes, it is.

May I help you?

- Yeah. I'm looking for ray barone.

- Of course you are.

Come in.

Raymond!

Girl!

- There's a girl here for raymond?

- What's going on?

Oh.

Hi.

- [chuckles] who is this?

- Hi. I'm debra whelan.

Ray delivered a futon to me.

- Oh.

- What?

- Oh, nothing.

Just...Thinking about zebras.

- Wouldn't you like to introduce us

To your friend, raymond?

- Uh, this is...

My...

Marie and robert.

My roommates.

How, uh...

What are you doing here?

- Well, I went to the futon store,

And your friend told me that I could find you here.

Is there someplace that we could talk?

- Uh, yeah. I guess so, yeah.

- If I knew you were going to have a visitor,

I would've laid out a nicer pair of pants for you.

- So, um, hi.

- How come you canceled our lunch?

- Well, I didn't think you--

- Is it because you saw me naked?

Admit it: You don't want to go out with me

Because you saw me naked.

- No! No--I mean, yes--

- Well, just so you know,

I don't look like that.

- What?

- It was like a bad angle, bad lighting.

I hadn't showered yet.

That's not how I look. - What do you mean?

Well, you looked great-- not that I looked.

- Then how come you canceled?

- Because...I was in over my head anyway.

I was thinking you'd think

I'm just some futon guy,

And then you throw pervert on top--

- Well, you should've let me be the one to cancel.

That's the decent thing to do

When you see someone naked.

The naked person gets to cancel.

- I didn't know that.

- All right. Forget it.

Oh, and by the way,

There's something wrong with that stupid futon.

The right leg is so loose.

- All right. You want me to fix it?

- Well, somebody better, 'cause I got the warranty.

- Okay. All right. I'll fix it tomorrow.

I mean, I'm the futon guy.

- It was nice to meet you both.

- So, uh, what time tomorrow, then?

- I get home from work about 6:00.

- That's no good. Raymond eats at 6:00.

- Ma, do you mind?

6:00 is good. - Okay.

- Okay, dear. Lovely meeting you.

- She's not the girl for you, raymond.

[doorbell rings]

- Who is it?

- It's, uh, ray from claude's futons.

- Yeah, come in.

I said, come in.

- Okay, now it really sounds

Like you're saying, "come in."

- Yeah, I did say "come in."

Hi. - Hi.

- Hey, you're all dressed up.

- Oh, yeah, the other time,

Those were my delivery clothes.

Yeah, this is what I wear when I fix stuff.

- All right.

- Okay.

Stupid dressed-up moron.

- What?

- So it's the right leg that's loose?

- Yeah, it's the right one.

- Okay.

Nothing really seems to be loose here.

- Oh. Sure seemed loose to me.

- You know what?

I can't even tighten these any more, really.

- Huh. I thought it was loose.

- No.

- You know, it looks like I made too much food here,

If you're, um, hungry.

- Oh. Yeah?

- Yeah. You want some?

- All right. Yeah, wrap it up.

I'll eat it in the truck.

- Okay.

I mean, you could eat it here if you want.

- Oh.

Okay.

- You can sit.

- Sit? Sit here?

- Yeah. That's good. - All right.

- You need me to help with anything?

- No. I got it.

- Can I ask you something?

- Yeah, sure.

- Were you making all that food for someone,

And they didn't show up?

- They showed up.

Here you go.

- So...The futon was never loose?

- Look, you know, I've been out with a lot of guys,

Like stockbrokers and athletes

And rich, famous, good-looking guys--

- So you're going the other way now?

- No, no. I'm not going any way.

You just seem like a nice guy.

That's all.

You are planning on being a journalist, right?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- It's not as much fun

As knocking people over with futons, but...

[both laugh]

- Actually, I'm gonna be a sportswriter.

- Oh, really? - Yeah. You like sports?

- Well, I do p.R. For the rangers.

- Really? - Yeah.

- So you know, like, vanbiesbrouck and larouche?

- Yeah. All those guys.

- Wow.

- So, your family seemed nice.

- Yeah. Yeah. They seem nice.

I'm only living with them until, you know...

- Yeah. Sure.

- Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow. This is great. This is--what is this?

- Oh, it's lemon chicken.

- Oh, man.

Wow.

- Yeah? You really like it, huh?

- I could eat this the rest of my life.

What?

- Nobody's ever really liked my cooking before.

- Well, they're nuts.

Are you kidding? This is great.

I'll probably-- can I have more?

- Yeah, sure. - No, let me get it.

- No. I got it. I can get it.

Hey, you want something to drink?

- Yeah. Yeah. Well, let me get that.

Okay. The glasses are right there.

- Okay. Ice?

- Yeah, that'd be great.

[plates clatter]

- I like the round cubes with the holes in them.

Those are my favorite kind of cubes.

Oh!

Agh!

Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

You keep knocking me down.

- I know. I know.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Ah, are you all right?

- Yeah.

You're a good kisser.

- All right. You're in shock.

- Listen, I don't want you to think I'm like this,

'cause I'm not. - Me, neither.

- I mean, if this goes anywhere,

It's gonna be at least six months

Before you see me naked again.

- It's okay.

I just want some more of that chicken.

- Okay.

- [sighs]

Here's some more chicken.

How is it?

- Great.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Still great.

- And you're still a good kisser.