Original subtitles

- Hey.

- Hey, robert. - Hey.

- I just got off duty. I kind of need to talk.

- What's the matter, robert?

- I made this traffic stop that's kind of bothering me.

Amy was in the car.

- Oh, amy the virgin? - Oh, ray!

- What?

What? That's what she is, right?

- Well, I'm not so sure anymore.

She was in the car with a guy.

They were all dressed up.

This was a date.

- Well, robert, you two did break up.

On a few dates yourself, mr. Luckypants.

- All right, deb,

Tell me what you know about this guy.

- Uh... - Aheh!

- I know she's been seeing some people,

But I don't know who--

- James p. Kitsos of queens...

5'10", 165 pounds,

Hair brown, eyes green,

Not an organ donor.

Selfish bastard!

It sounds like you kind of miss amy.

Why don't you just give her a call?

- You think she wants me to call her?

- Do you want to call her?

- Do you think she still likes me?

- Do you still like her? - Oh, my god!

Why don't you wait till your acne clears up

And give her a ride on your skateboard?

[doorbell buzzes]

Amy.

- Hi, robert.

- Hello.

- Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

You know, I've been wanting to talk to you

Since you pulled us over.

- Listen, amy, the ticket is written,

But he can contest it in court if he wants.

- Oh, no, no, no. It's not that.

He was speeding.

- Yeah.

You look nice.

- Thanks.

- You want to come in?

- You look good too.

- Thanks.

You know he's not an organ donor.

- We only went out a couple of times.

- Look, it's none of my business.

You know his mother owns that car.

- Robert, it wasn't that serious.

- I'm just thinking about your safety.

- I know you are.

Thank you.

Robert...

You know...

I knew that was your speedtrap.

I told him to drive faster.

I wanted to see you.

- You didn't need him.

You could've driven yourself.

I would've pulled you over so fast.

- I've already got 8 points.

I didn't want to lose my license.

- Pretty girl like you...

Would've let you off with a warning.

Where are we going?

- The bedroom.

- The--

W-w-wait. We've never...

And you've never, ever...

Are you sure?

- I'm sure.

- Really?

- Robert, I've driven around long enough.

- Beat it, shamsky.

Oh, yeah.

- [giggling]

- And you too, you too, yeah.

- No, stay. Finish your breakfast.

- No, the least I can do is walk you to the elevator

And push the up button for you.

- You mean down.

- No, no, I mean up.

'cause that's the direction all angels go.

- Maybe you should push down, 'cause you're a devil.

- Don't start with that.

- Oh!

Enough, already.

- Excuse me, can I help you?

- You want to help me?

Close your bedroom curtains.

[elevator bell dings]

- Oh, my god.

Do you think he saw?

- [woman giggles]

- Hey, you know,

You really disrupted our bible study last night.

- Sorry.

- We prayed for you.

- I'm...Using the stairs.

I'll call you.

- Okay, okay.

Drive safely.

- Hey, saw the show last night.

[laughs suggestively]

- We're in 9-j, if you...

Want to give us a ring.

- Hey, deb.

- Hi, robert.

- You talked to amy.

Did you tell anyone else?

- No, I swear I didn't tell anyone.

- Hey-hey, robert.

Ohh, whoooo! Whoooo-ey! Whoooo!

- You know too?

Deb, you said you didn't tell anybody.

- She has to tell me. You kidding?

It's a rule of marriage.

A spouse automatically has the right to know

That you deflowered a woman

In front of your entire apartment building.

- Ray!

- It wasn't the whole building.

- You know, amy isn't gonna be visiting your building

Any time soon.

- If you know what she means.

- I didn't mean that.

- She must hate me.

In fact, she's been trying to call you.

- Well, I haven't been home. It's too embarrassing.

And, hey, look at this.

These are up all over the building.

- "were you offended by the display?"

- [gasps]

- It's a petition to make bedroom curtains mandatory.

I can't go back there.

- Oh, you know what?

You can stay here for a few nights.

- What?

- Yeah, just until things calm down.

- Hey, you could-- you could stay at mom's.

Great food over there.

Here too, good food here.

- No, I can't go over there.

She'll want me to move back in.

Lookit, she can't know I'm staying here.

- No, no, no. We won't tell her.

Go ahead--there's blankets and stuff in the hall closet.

You can stay downstairs in ray's office.

- Oh, great. Thank you.

- Are you nuts?

- What? It's just for a few days.

- Yeah, that's what he told ma when he got divorced,

And he stayed for four years!

- It'll be fine, ray.

- Come on, he's gonna be all sittin' on the couch

And watchin' television.

- And that's really your special job, isn't it, ray?

- You don't know.

Just wait till his shoes come off.

- Oh, his feet are fine.

- Yeah, fine, if you're trying to jump-start a vomit.

- Oh, hey, ray, I hope you don't mind.

I switched with one of your pillows,

You know, because down gives me nightmares.

- Of geese?

- A goose will run right after you.

I gotta tell you, I really appreciate it.

[sports game on tv]

[tv audience cheering]

[loud rock music playing]

- Is this guy amazing or what?

- Did you ever play guitar?

- Just this.

- I like your hands.

- Aah...

[chuckles]

- Oh, hey.

- Huh? Ohh...

- Hi, ray.

- Hi, amy. Good to see you...

Again.

So, uh, what are you guys doing?

- Nothin', just listening to some tunes.

You?

- Oh, yeah, I got to print something up for work.

It's a tiny bit loud.

[music volume lowers]

- I can't even hear it now.

- That's 'cause you listen to it too loud.

- I should go.

- No, uh...

Ray, do you have to do this now?

- Yeah. Yeah, sorry, okay?

It's just gonna take a second.

- Go ahead.

- [laughs]

[laughs]

[printer beeping]

- Oh! [laughs]

- Hey, come on, come on.

Come on, don't jam!

- [laughs]

- You know what? I'm just gonna--

I'm gonna go work on this upstairs, okay?

It'll still work, all right?

It's not like I haven't--

[laughter]

- Hello.

I brought lasagna.

[robert laughing]

- [laughing]

[laughing]

[footsteps]

- Robbie!

- Ma!

- Oh, god! Marie!

- Oh, my god!

[loud footsteps]

Oh! Oh!

- What the hell's going on?

- Oh, ma!

- Oh, why, robbie? Why? How could you?

In raymond's basement!

- Marie, it's not what you think!

- Oh!

- Man, you just can't stop, can you?

- Can't stop?

- We thought everyone was asleep.

Debra invited me.

- Debra?

- Yes, I mean, I said he could stay here.

Look, they are two consenting adults,

And that's what adults do.

- The lucky adults.

- Marie, why did you take the lasagna?

Holy crap!

Go ahead. I'll catch up.

- Is this something you do?

You come to raymond's to-- to have relations?

- Okay, I'm caught up.

[laughs]

- I'm sorry I baked you a lasagna.

- How did you know I was here?

- Ray squealed.

- Raymond!

- Come on, ma.

You were supposed to make it look casual.

- Lasagna's casual--it's not like I made steak pizziola.

I just wanted - a little privacy.

- Maybe you should've thought of that

Before you and amy did a puppet show

In front of your whole building.

- What?

- What are you doing to me?

- You are out of control, young man!

- No, I'm not, ma.

- Hard to make that argument without pants.

- He gets that from you--

You with your dirty magazines.

- One "playboy."

- For 29 years?

I mean, who keeps pornography for 29 years?

- Anyone married to you.

- He gets to have a "playboy."

- Marie, I can understand why you'd be so upset.

- I thought you were saving yourself.

- I was. I did.

- Oh, amy.

Amy!

Oh, I thought I knew you,

But you had us all fooled, didn't you?

I mean, it wasn't like debra,

Where we knew what we were getting.

- Excuse me?

- I can't believe this.

- Amy, look, it's okay.

You don't understand, ma.

Amy wasn't trying to fool anyone.

She cares about me.

She listens.

She doesn't laugh at me when I eat.

In fact...

She's the most wonderful woman I've ever met.

What I'm trying to say is...

Amy and I are in love.

- Oh, my god.

You're getting married?

- Uh...

Yup.

- Oh-ho, robbie!

- Wonderful!

- Hey, that's great, man.

So you're moving out, then, right?

- I couldn't wish for a nice daughter-in-law.

- Let's celebrate with some lasagna!

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

We're not getting married.

- Of course you're getting married, don't be silly.

That makes everything all right.

- Robert, six months ago,

When I asked about our future,

You freaked out and we broke up.

Now you're ready to get married

Just because you're afraid of what your mother thinks?

- Sometimes a mother knows best, dear.

- Sometimes a mother should just butt out.

- Hey, robert, you gotta marry this one.

[laughs]

- I will not be talked to that way.

- Look, sorry.

I've had a very rough couple of days here.

I wait my whole life for the right time

And the right man to be my first,

And now an entire building has a petition against me!

And then the second time I'm with my first,

His mother walks in on us.

And now you're ready to get married

Just to make her happy?

What is this hold she has on you?

- See? It's not just me.

- I can't even cry, because if I dab my eyes,

My pants will fall down.

So excuse me, marie, for not being polite!

And by the way,

Sometimes the noodles in your lasagna are overcooked.

[gasping]

[door slams]

- Clearly, that is not the girl for you.

You understand, robbie?

Robbie?

Robbie!

Where's he going?

- Maybe his wallet's in those pants.

- You see, debra?

Do you hear the way your friend talks to a mother?

I am so glad you introduced her to my son.

- So am I, marie.

I think amy is the best thing

That ever happened to robert.

Ray.

Ray, you're supposed to follow me now.

- I think your noodles are perfect.

- I have never been treated so disrespectfully

In my whole life.

Frank, I'm leaving.

- Coming!

[bell dings]

- Hey. - Hey.

- I know. I know.

You're in 9-j.