Original subtitles

- Debra, where's the paper?

Yeah, yeah. Put her in a bikini!

- You brought the paper in. Where'd you put it?

- Honey, I'm on the phone.

I saw a bathing suit that would be perfect for you.

- Could you just point to the paper?

- Would you stop? I'm on the phone.

- In the amount of time it took you to say that,

You can tell me where the paper is.

- Yeah, it's just my husband.

- Well, who's that?

- It's jason's mom from school, okay?

- You don't even know her name.

Tell me her name.

- Shh!

Yeah, I have the catalog here somewhere.

- Oh, so you're looking for something

For somebody you don't even know.

Where's my paper?

- Yeah. Here. I've got the catalog.

You know what?

I'll give it to you when I see you at the book fair.

Okay? Okay. Bye-bye.

God! You are impossible!

I can't talk on the phone for two minutes

Without you interrupting me.

- Where's the paper?

- Forget the paper.

You're taking the kids to the park.

- Wh-whoa. Whoa. Whoa. When did that happen?

- Last night, you said you'd take the kids to the park

So that I could clean up around here

And, you know, lay down for a few minutes today.

- When you were watching your stupid whatever show.

- "sportscenter"?

- Yes. I asked you, and you said okay.

Or did I say, "okay, okay, okay"?

- What, so you're not gonna take them?

- [sighs]

How much time do you need?

- I want an hour and a half.

- All right, but I'm back here in an hour and a half.

The hour and a half includes travel time.

- Okay, fine. Just go, okay?

- Okay. All right.

The hour and a half starts right now.

Okay. I'm just gonna go put on my sneakers.

- Uh, hi. Do you know what time it is?

- Uh, let's see.

It's 11 1/2 minutes since I put on my sneakers.

It's about 3:00.

- Thanks.

- I'm elise.

We've seen the kids here with your wife, debra, right?

- Right. - Is she okay?

- Yeah. She's taking a nap.

- She gets to nap?

- And you're watching all three kids?

- Well, I am their father, you know.

- Wow.

- You could teach my husband a thing or two.

- Well, have him call me, and I'll set up some lessons.

- It's so great the way

I mean, my husband would rather just sit and watch sports.

- Yeah. Ha-ha. Sports.

Sports is sports, you know, but...

They grow up so quickly.

- The ice cream truck, daddy! Can we have some?

- Oh, well, let's see.

You had all your lunch today, so okeydokey.

Anyone else want some ice cream?

- You know, I was gonna get some, so I'll go.

- Oh. - Come on, justin.

- Oh, you know what? He's playing, so let him stay.

I'll watch him.

- You sure you don't mind?

- Ah, what's one more?

- Thanks. - Yeah.

You tell them rascals

We're fixing to get some italian ices.

[mocks spitting]

- Oh, darn, this wheel. - No, here, let me get it.

- It keeps falling off. No, that's okay.

- No, no. It's no trouble.

It should just pop back on.

I've seen these.

- Oh, hi, there, debra. - Hi.

- Oh, hi.

- Haley! No, no, honey, we don't eat sand.

Excuse me. Thanks, ray.

- Yeah. Don't thank me yet. I haven't fixed it.

- What are you doing?

What are you doing here? You're supposed to be sleeping.

- Yeah, well, you forgot the twins' jackets.

It's cold out. - It's not cold.

- Yeah. You're wearing a jacket.

- There you go. Okay. Good as new.

- Wow. Thanks.

He is so helpful. Where did you find him?

- He's a... Gift from heaven.

- Nice meeting you, ray, and thanks again.

- Okay. No problem.

- [sighs]

- Oh, hey, justin,

Your mother's gonna be right back, okay?

- Where is she?

- She's over there.

I'm keeping an eye on justin for her.

- You're watching additional children?

- Here we go. Oh, hey, debra. - Hi.

- I got everybody popsicles.

- Oh, great.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5. 5 popsicles.

- Thanks for watching justin, ray.

- Pleasure, elise.

- You better hang on to him, debra.

Come on, justin!

- See you later, justin!

Well, you know, this is silly.

We don't both need to be here.

Maybe one of us should-- I don't know--

Go home and watch the ball game.

- I don't think you want to go yet.

You're gonna miss the awards ceremony.

- Huh?

- Yeah.

And the winner for best performance

As a husband goes to...

[gasps]

Ray barone for "mr. Fantastic visits a park"!

Yay!

- Oh, I have nothing prepared.

I was thinking about

What we said at the park, and you know what?

It's true.

We are nicer to other people, even strangers,

Than we are to each other.

- Yeah.

So?

Maybe we could both be a little nicer to each other.

- Oh. Okay...Sure.

You'll be nicer?

- Yes, and you could be nicer to me.

- Oh. Okay.

Like how?

- Oh, nothing,

Just, uh, a little more consideration.

You know? Appreciation.

- Oh. Okay.

- It's just the little things.

You know, manners-- pleases and thank-yous.

- Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it.

- Yeah. Just a little courtesy, you know?

Like maybe you can compliment me once in a while.

- I give you compliments.

- No, you don't.

I always have to ask, say, "how do I look?"

Or, you know, "what did you think of dinner?"

- So...Unassisted compliments, huh?

- Yeah. - Okay.

This being nice thing is a two-way street.

What would you like from me?

- Well, you could be a little more polite--

You know, like, uh,

Not call me "idiot."

- Okay. That's fair. - Yeah.

- No more "idiot."

- Okay.

- What would you like to be called?

- Sweetie?

- Seriously?

- I don't know. Try it.

- Okay...Sweetie.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sweetie. Yeah.

Yeah. Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Oh, you know what? One more thing.

I was just thinking that we could maybe

Not interrupt each other when we're on the phone, okay?

- Right, right, or, like,

If we're on the phone and I ask for something,

We could take the time just to say, "hold on, please,"

And tell me where it is in the same amount of time

That it would take to say, "I'm on the phone."

Just like that. Do that.

- Okay. Yeah.

Or...Like, when we're having a baby together

And I'm in labor,

You could maybe help me to the car

Instead of looking for magazines you want to flip through

While you're at the hospital.

- Okay.

And you'll work on the phone thing.

- Right. - Okay.

- Right. - Okay. All right.

Ah! There it is. There it is. See?

- You just called me an idiot again.

- I did not.

- Yes, you did-- with your eyes.

Yes, I know the shorthand of it.

- All right, fine.

- Yeah. Buh buh buh!

- What, ray? I wasn't gonna roll my eyes.

- You sure?

- Yes, I'm sure.

- All right.

- Good night. - Good night.

I heard that.

Hey, huck-a-poo.

- Hey, listen, ray,

Thanks for taking that stuff over to the book fair.

- Oh, you're welcome.

I think it's great that you're doing this.

- Oh. You know what?

That makes all the difference.

Ohh!

Just to be acknowledged.

You're acknowledging me. That's nice!

- Well, thanks. Nice to be nice.

- Yeah.

Okay. I'm gonna check on dinner.

- Okay.

You know, I still need you to box up all these books, okay?

- Sure.

Sure. Pleasure.

- Thanks.

- What are we having for dinner?

- Fish. - Great! Good. Great.

And I enjoyed them so much that I, uh--yeah.

I was just saying,

"I can't wait to have fish right away again."

- Oh, ray, that's okay.

If you don't want the fish, you don't have to have it.

What else would you like? - Really?

Anything else.

- Okay.

- Really? - Yeah.

- This is nice.

This is great.

- You want books?

They're all yours!

- Nothing dad likes better than getting rid of knowledge.

- Hey, ray, how come you're not watching the game?

- What game?

- You've got the dish.

Somebody's hitting something somewhere.

- Whoa! Whoa! Let me get that for you.

- Oh, thanks. - There you go.

And if there's anything else you need, let me know.

- Okay.

- What happened?

- Nothing.

- Come on. Who are you kidding?

"if there's anything else you need, let me know."

She's got your dice in a vice.

- Frank, you took all my books.

Where are all my books?

- You never look at those.

- Oh! My high school yearbook, frank?

I want this.

- Well, I don't want it in the house.

It's depressing.

- What are you talking about?

I look beautiful in those pictures.

- That's what's depressing.

- Here you go.

- What's this?

- Ginger ale.

- For me? - Yeah.

I made you a nice, big, juicy turkey sandwich for dinner.

- Thanks.

- You're welcome, sweetie.

- Sweetie. [chuckles]

- All right, really, what's going on here?

- Nothing, we're just trying

To be a little bit nicer to each other.

- Nice?

I tried it once. Didn't care for it.

- Did the same thing happen with smart?

- We could all be a little nicer to each other.

I mean, doesn't your own family deserve the best of you?

- You know, I think debra's right.

You have to be kind.

That's how I try to spend my life.

Kindness--that's always been my motto.

- Hmm...

That's a slightly different motto than, "bah bah bah bah!"

- So kindness isn't just what you say.

Sometimes it's what you don't say.

I mean, it's like, for instance,

Most of my friends, you know,

They do nothing but criticize their daughters-in-law.

Me? No.

I hold my tongue.

Because restraint is important.

Right, dear?

- Yes.

- Ah, cut the crap!

You're playing with fire here.

You got to let steam off on each other,

Because if you let it off on a stranger, he gets mad.

He punches you. You punch him.

He pulls a knife. You pull a gun.

Guys jump in. Wars start. It's a mess!

The spouse is the perfect escape valve.

- He read that at our wedding.

- Okay, thanks for stopping by.

- Billy smith, frank. Billy smith. Look.

"have a great summer."

I could have married billy smith.

- There's still time.

- Robert, you're a policeman.

Try to find billy smith.

And it doesn't have to be this billy smith.

- Listen, I didn't want to get involved

In your little experiment here,

But actually I think dad has a good point.

- Oh, you can't possibly think that's healthy.

- Wait. Let me finish.

There is such a thing as too nice.

- Take it from the divorced man.

You know, I was nice to joanne

Every single day of our marriage.

I was nice right up to the day she walked out on me.

I carried her bags out to the car.

I still even send her a birthday card.

And you know what I got for it?

Spastic colon.

Make of it what you will.

[burps]

Good night.

- You know they're wrong, ray.

- I know. Come on.

What are we listening to them for?

Why is it that the last people who should talk

Are always my relatives?

- Come on. Your sandwich is ready.

Let's go eat. - Okay.

Where are the kids?

- They're at the parkers'.

- Oh, I love turkey.

- Yeah. You want some chips?

- No. Just your sandwich.

Yes!

- How is it?

- It's great.

Do we have chips?

- Yeah, sure.

Why? What's the matter?

- No, nothing.

There something new in here? Something new?

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I made my own dressing yesterday.

- Hmm! - You like it?

- I--you know, I think it's marvelous

That you're trying the new dressings, yeah.

- Wait a minute. What is that?

- What? Nice.

- No, no, no. That's not nice.

That's, like, fake nice. That's your mom.

- All right, all right, now, that's not nice right there.

- Come on, ray, don't patronize me, okay?

If you don't like my dressing, just say so.

I'm fine with honesty.

- You're fine if I tell you that it's bad?

- Well, yes, because that's--

What do you mean it's bad?

- I didn't say that it was bad.

I said, "you're fine if I say that it's bad?"

- Oh, don't give me that crap.

Why don't you just say you hate it?

- All right, look, maybe I'm wrong,

But I don't think this is a sandwich problem.

I think somebody's letting off a little steam at me.

- Well, you know what?

I think I have the right

To let off a little steam at you,

Because I made some fish, and you didn't want that,

And then I make you this special sandwich,

And now you're having a problem with that!

- I didn't say I had a problem with it, all right?

I'm just trying to be nice!

- Yeah, fake nice. - What's the difference?

Wait. You know what?

Forget about it. I'm eating the sandwich.

- All right, no! Don't eat the sandwich.

- No, I'm gonna eat the sandwich.

You made it for me special, and I'm going to eat it.

- Oh, so now you're just gonna hold everything in

Like your brother.

- No. It's a perfectly good sandwich.

You made it for me, and I appreciate it. That's all.

I'll make a deal with you.

I throw this out...

And you can call me an idiot.

- Deal.

Idiot.

- All right, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on. Let's go to the bedroom.

Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

- Right behind you.