Original subtitles

- All right, let's get going.

Your father's ruined everything.

- Wh-what happened to you?

- I was bringing the suitcases down,

And the bum knee popped out again.

- You're so clumsy.

- That's the thanks I get for blowing my knee out in korea,

Making the world safe for your mother.

- You told me you slipped off a massage table in tokyo.

- Nevertheless.

- Well, what about the cruise now?

- Okay, well, thanks.

Mom and dad are screwed.

Can't reschedule, and we can't get our money back.

- Why not?

- Because the discount package you made us get them

Does not permit changes.

- We can't go.

You happy now, tiny tim?

- I'll go, I'll go.

- No, no-- - I'll go. I'm going.

[cries out]

- No, dad, don't, don't.

- Ma, you could go by yourself

Or call one of your friends. Call lee.

- Lee can't go.

Stan's cousin the diabetic is visiting from arizona.

- Well, you could always go by yourself.

- No.

- Yes. We got it for your birthday.

- I know, dear.

And for once, you got us a very nice gift.

- Come on, ma, you never do anything like this.

You bought all that cruise wear, huh?

Where are you going to wear that, around the tub?

- No, not for me.

I couldn't bear to go alone.

- Ma, this is a deluxe weekend cruise in bermuda.

This is once-in-a-lifetime.

This is nonrefundable.

- I'm sorry. It was a lovely gesture, really,

And we want to pay you back for the whole thing.

- Hey!

- No. Ma, you want to go; I want you to go.

Come on, what's it going to take to get you to just go?

- I don't know.

- Ah--uh...

No. Ma, look, debra would never let me do that.

I couldn't do that.

- Now, that would be a real present.

- Look, ma, I would love to go, but I--

That wouldn't be-- wouldn't be fair to robert.

- No, no, I don't mind.

I think it's fair. In fact, it's more than fair.

It's funny.

- And, robert, you could stay home

And take care of your father.

- Also funny.

- Oh, raymond! Oh!

[giggling]

- This day started out so good.

- Oh, look how cute this is!

- This is the deluxe package?

All right, look.

I want to get mad, but I don't think

I can fit another emotion in here.

- Oh. I'm going to bring debra back one of these shower caps

To thank her for letting me have you for the weekend.

- Yeah, the one thing she lets me do.

- Oh, look how adorable this little toilet is.

- Oh, that's great.

They stuff you full of food,

And then they give you baby's first potty.

Come on. Let's just get the hell out of here.

Single file! - No, no, no, no, no, no!

We're going to have a wonderful time.

- Yeah? How you figure?

- Well, for one thing,

We're going to spend the whole weekend together.

We can talk, you and me. Just talk.

- [sighs]

- Oh, raymond, thank you for this lovely trip.

- Knock knock.

[chuckling] oh, hi! Welcome to the star princess.

I'm your social director, ted.

Just a list of some of the super activities we've got going on.

- Oh, god, activities.

- Ooh! I've always wanted to do shuffleboard

And bingo and candle making.

- Oh, good. Skeet shooting.

I'd like to sign up as skeet.

- This--this is our first trip.

- Oh. Well, then, sir, may I recommend

The deck by moonlight?

You and your lady might enjoy the gorgeous, panoramic view--

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! "lady?" whoa, whoa, whoa.

This is not my lady, okay? This is my mother.

- Oh, sure, sure, sure. Mother. Done.

- She really is my mother. Tell him you're my mother.

- Oh, honey, look. Origami.

- Look, what did you write there, okay?

'cause I'm telling you the truth here.

- Oh, it doesn't really matter, sir; we're at sea.

You have a grand time, you two.

- Aah!

[ship horn blasts over scream]

- Lunch.

- It's about time. I'm starved.

What?

- You're-- you're not limping.

- Oh. Oh, yeah. Uh...

It's a miracle.

- Dad?

- Honest. I was watching one of those religious channels.

I pledged 5 bucks. Praise the lord!

- You faker!

The moaning and groaning and flopping on the couch.

- Pretty good, huh?

- What kind of a person are you?

- I'm a very smart person.

Marie'll be much better off without me anyway.

And what are you complaining about?

You're free to go.

Everybody gets what they want.

- I guess.

Everybody except raymond.

- God bless that magnificent bastard.

Let's eat.

Hey, now, this is what I call a vacation.

Three days of sitting in front of the tv, eating,

Napping on the couch, soaking in my new hot tub,

Nobody nagging at me:

"frank, take out the trash.

"frank, cover your mouth when you burp.

Frank, that's no place for a q-tip."

I'm free!

I'm footloose and fancy free.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

- Come on. You got the part.

- I'm not kidding. I really popped it this time.

- You did not. - I did too.

[grunting]

- Let me see.

- [groaning]

- You just had to dance.

[dinner music in background]

- [slurps]

- Oh, there you are. Where have you been?

- Bar hopping.

Waffle bar, omelet bar, tostada bar.

Now I'm doing clam shots.

[slurp]

- Raymond, so many clams.

You should try the crab cakes.

- Had 'em.

- And the little eclairs were--

- Had 'em.

- Well, I'm amazed at how much

I can get done in the morning without your father.

I played bridge, I jazzercized,

And, look, origami.

Mr. Sassa thinks I have natural talents.

- What's this made out of?

- Paper. - Oh.

- And tomorrow we're making lotus blossoms.

You should come.

- No, I don't know, ma.

Some scuttlebutt about a pie buffet.

- And bingo starts at 4:00.

- Oh, see, but I'm hanging myself at 3:00.

- Come on. It'll be fun.

At least you could sit with me for a little while.

- Nah. - Marie!

Marie. Here's me in my wedding dress.

- Oh, isn't that beautiful!

Dear, this is mary beth yarosh from jazzercise.

- I'm ray from lynbrook.

- Mary beth's on her honeymoon.

We've been working on our glutes.

- To glute work.

- You know, your mother's wonderful.

- Yeah?

- Oh, yeah. She gave me some great advice

On how to have a long and happy marriage.

- Really?

Long and happy? - Yes!

She says it's important to remember

You're not just his lover; you're his best friend.

[both giggling]

She's so smart. Thank you, marie.

- Oh, anytime, sweetheart.

And I'll see you at tai chi, okay?

- You told her you and dad were best friends?

- I also told her that childbirth isn't that painful.

She's on her honeymoon.

She's got the rest of her life to be disappointed.

- Okay. Smile, you two.

- Ooh!

- That's a keeper, yes.

We put these on display on the lido deck.

- I think you put that one on the poop deck.

- So, uh...

What are you and, uh, mom up to this afternoon?

- You know, she really is my mother.

- See, well, I wanted to play bingo,

But I'm not sure raymond is up for it.

- Oh, well, you know, several of our cruisers have told me

They would love to share a bingo card with you, marie,

That is, if raymond doesn't mind.

- Well, why would I mind?

She's my mother!

- Oh, well, then, fantastic.

We'll set it right up.

- Oh, hi, walter.

- Marie, how are you, my dear?

This must be raymond. - Hey.

- Hello. I got to know your mother this morning over bridge.

Nimble. Nimble mind.

Of course, I don't have to tell you that.

- Oh, walter, stop.

- Yes, walter, stop.

- Marie, I'd be honored if you'd be my partner tomorrow.

- Oh, it's a date. - Great.

Your mother is one terrific lady.

- Marie? Marie, we're ready to practice.

Can you play these?

They're from the "best of broadway."

- Oh, girls, we'll be better than broadway.

Oh, raymond, you have to come to the cabaret tonight.

- You know, life is a cabaret.

[laughter]

Oh, don't mind us.

We're just a bunch of merry widows, right, marie?

- That's us.

I-I'll see you later.

- Merry widows?

- Yeah, see, all their husbands are dead.

- But you're not a widow.

[singing] how can I be what I ain't?

I cain't

Say

No

[giggling, excited chatter]

- Thanks.

I appreciate your help.

I know there's a lot of other things you'd rather be doing.

- That's okay, dad. I understand.

The important thing is, we got you there in time.

- Damn calzone.

Robert?

You're not going to believe this.

- What, again?

All right, come on.

- Hurry!

- Okay.

- Grab the newspaper.

[light island music]

[bell ringing]

- Oh, yeah.

Ring a bell, and the whole world comes running.

- I'm done. Help me out of this thing.

- I got your macaroni and cheese on the stove.

I got to stir it

'cause you like your cheese evenly distributed.

[bell ringing]

- Now, please.

- That's it.

- What? What are you doing?

What's the big idea?

- I'll get you out when I'm good and ready.

- Well, I'm ready now.

- But I'm not.

- I am the father.

You are the son.

The son must serve the father.

- Oh, yeah? You want to be served?

All right. I'll serve you.

But first... I'm going to cook you.

- What? What are you doing?

Robert.

- Oops. Ha.

I didn't think you'd be up.

- Do you have any idea how late it is?

- I don't know, but who cares? We're at sea.

- Where have you been?

- With my friends. [giggles]

We sang "carousel"

And practically all of "fiddler on the roof."

I was tevye.

- Friends?

Who, those merry widows? - Uh-huh.

And ted and walter and mary beth's husband.

We're all going to the discotheque.

Now, what'd I do with my evening purse?

Oh, here.

- Have you been drinking?

- No, but upstairs they're setting up

A whiskey sour fountain.

- Who are you?

- What do you mean?

- You're-- you're acting all...

I don't know, like a woo-woo party girl.

- I'm having fun. Can't I have fun?

- I'm not saying you can't.

I'm just saying it's a little... Hard to watch.

- Well, I didn't know you were paying any attention.

You seem so busy trying to get on all the buffet lines.

- You got to get there early, or they get picked over.

- Raymond, stop eating.

- "stop eating"? See?

You've never said that to me before.

- Come on. Let's go dancing.

- No. No, I don't want to dance.

I'm not a dancer.

- All right, then, I'll see you later.

- Wait, wait, wait.

Ma, don't you think

You're overdoing it a little, huh?

Take it easy. Take a break.

Come on, we'll get something to eat here.

Look, room service. I got a tab running.

- I don't want to stay in the room.

It's too small.

- Well, what's so special about those people out there?

- Nothing. They're just very nice.

They think I'm fun. They think I'm interesting.

They like doing things with me. They like me.

- I like you.

- Oh, I know you do, raymond.

You know what?

We'll have room service for breakfast tomorrow.

I won't stay out long.

- Mom? - What?

- Maybe I'll--

I don't know...

I'll go with you.

- Oh, no, that's all right, dear.

You don't have to.

- No.

I want to.

- You want to go dancing?

- Well, I don't know about that,

But-- but we can hang.

- Don't be-- don't be silly.

We'll fox-trot.

- Look. No, I don't know how to do it.

- Yes, you do. Yes, you do.

You remember your cousin jean's wedding?

- I was 13.

- Yeah, but you were very good.

Just follow me now.

It's step, step, quick step.

Count with me.

- Step, step, quick step.

- [humming] - step, step, quick step.

I got it. I got it. - See, raymond?

You're marvelous. - Yeah, okay.

- [continues humming]

- No.

- Sure could go for some pretzels.

I'll get them.

- [humming]

Hi, boys. We're home.

- Marie!

My marie!

- What are you doing up?

You shouldn't be up, honey. Sit down.

- I missed you so much!

- Oh!

Sit down. Sit.

Oh...Poor chi chi.

Did you miss me?

- It's been hell without you.

- Did robbie take good care of you?

- Oh, yeah,

I took care of him, all right.

He should be tender to the bone.

- Thank you, robbie, dear.

- Hey. - Hey.

How was your trip?

- Yeah, not bad.

I'll tell you one thing:

If dad's the first to go, mom's going to do just fine.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, if ma's the first to go,

God help us all.

- Hey, hey, hold on. I made this for you.

Yeah, it's...

- Huh. - Yeah, it's oriental.

- Good. Thanks.

- Yeah.

- Putting on a few pounds there, huh, cubby?

- Yeah, yeah.