Original subtitles

- Whoa.

- Oh, uh, hey, hi. Hi!

How's it hangin'?

- You guys are home early. - Uh-huh!

- Imagine our surprise to find you two on the couch...

[humming] ba ba ba-ba ba-ba

- Sorry.

I feel like I'm back in high school.

- Amy, come on.

Is that a hickey, young lady?

- No, no, no. - Yeah, I see it.

- Hey, does your mom know you're going out with this...

This hoodlum?

- Please, mr. Barone, don't tell my mother!

- All right, okay. I get it.

I'm pathetic. - Oh, robert.

- What are you talking about?

- I'm a grown man who lives with his parents

And has to take babysitting jobs

So he can make out with his girlfriend.

- That's not true, robert.

- It's a little true. - Oh, shh!

- Oh...

Robert.

- Well, it could have been worse.

We could have walked in on mom and dad babysitting.

You hungry, dear?

I've got pancakes.

- Nah, I'm late for work. - All right.

- Well, can I get 'em to go?

- Yeah. Give me a second.

Okay, let's go, frank!

Kitchen isn't open all day.

- Unlike your mouth.

Hey, what was with all that racket last night?

- Like around 9:00, I heard your girlfriend talking.

- Amy talking is racket?

- Well, she's not talking to me, so yeah, racket.

- So I'm not allowed to talk to people anymore?

- Of course you are, dear.

By the way, I agree with what amy was saying.

You are not pathetic.

- You were spying on us?

- I was passing an air vent.

- "you're so cute, yogi."

[chuckles]

She calls you yogi.

- You got--you got some syrup on your chin.

- Do you call her boo boo?

- Let me get it. Let me get it.

- No. Stop it, ma.

- Stop fiddling. - No, you stop it!

- No, you stop it. - Okay, that's it!

All right, I'm moving out.

- Ahh...Moving out. [laughs]

That's ridiculous.

- What are you gonna do,

Tie a little polka-dot hanky around a stick

And hop a freight train?

[laughter]

- I have a car.

You can stop laughing now, ma.

- Hey, do it. Do it, man, go.

- Hey, you--you be quiet.

Robbie's very happy here.

You stay with your mother, honey.

You'll be fine.

- He's not going anywhere.

- Oh, yes, I am.

- Don't be silly.

Let's remember what happened the last time

You--you pulled a stunt like this.

- I got married, ma, okay? - Mm-hmm.

- I moved out 'cause I got married.

- That's right. You got married.

And?

What happened with that?

And you lost all your money to that awful woman

With the three different eye shadows.

- I will say that joanie had a nice caboose.

- Joanne, dad.

Her name was joanne, all right?

- Either way, that train's not pullin' back

In the station.

- The point is, you were miserable,

And we welcomed you back into this house,

And we made you whole again.

Remember that?

- Yeah.

- And now you want to go out on your own again?

Is that really the smartest thing?

Good.

Craziness settled.

- Welcome back...

Yogi.

[chuckles]

We should get you a pic-a-nic basket.

- Listen, man, you're right. You gotta move outta here.

- I am gonna move outta here. - When?

- When...I'm ready.

- Oh, fine. Stay here.

Do what you want.

- Oh, I can do whatever I want?

Thank you very much, raymond.

- Hey, how many times have I told you to move out?

And you've always got some lame excuse.

"oh, I'm worried about money."

- Money's a good excuse.

- "I'm only 33."

"they're letting me put a lock on the door."

"I'm only 37." yeah.

You know what, you don't need any more excuses

'cause I'm not gonna tell you to move out again.

- Good. - That's right.

- Great. - That's right.

Stay miserable for the rest of your life

And wonder if you should have moved out,

But now it's too late,

'cause you're old and you're bald

And you're living with mom and dad,

And you're gonna find out that

The designated hitter is bad for baseball!

Nine guys hit, nine guys field.

That's the game.

That's the way it was meant to be played.

What--what, are you gonna move to florida with mom and dad

And stay in a retirement village?

I'm not flying 1,500 miles

To see you wearing socks with sandals.

- Why are you bothering me, ray?

- Because you're-- you're always complaining

About living with them,

But, hey, look who's still here!

- All right, enough!

Why don't you mind your own business?

- I just hate seeing you like this 'cause...

Whatever. I like you.

- Wait, raymond.

Ma, sit down, please.

I've got something to tell you.

I'm moving out.

- Oh, robbie, enough. I'm tired.

- Ma, ma.

I appreciate everything you've done for me...

The food...

The--the beverages...

- Oh. Okay, okay.

Sit down. I'll make you something else.

- No, ma. My mind's made up.

Thank you, raymond.

- Oh.

Don't thank me.

- Thank you.

- Mm.

- Why is he thanking you?

- I brought back the, uh, jacket for him.

It's, uh... I'm late.

- Raymond!

- I am so psyched.

I have never been psyched like this in my life.

Hey, ray, from the bottom of my--

- Okay! Go away now!

Easy. Easy.

I'm walking out of here... Nice and slow.

Okay?

We'll talk about this later

When you start blinking again.

- Stop him.

- Hey! - Wh-what did he do?

- Dad, come on. Let go of me!

- Don't try to run. It only makes it worse.

- Why did you stick your nose into our affairs?

Who gave you the right?

- How dare you?

- Robbie's the last thing I have left.

Now he's leaving because of you.

- Look, I just thought he should--

- Oh, you just thought!

Did--did you think about me?

Do you ever think about me?

- Well?

Do you?

- Do you?

- I-I'm not gonna forget this, raymond.

- Oh, mom.

- Me neither! - You?

You're always yelling at him that he should move out,

Making him feel like a loser.

- I don't really want him to go.

If he goes...

It's just me and her.

- [singing] I'm about to lose control and I--

Hey, there, pop. - Don't go!

I love you.

- Hey, bro, if there's anything I can ever do for you,

You just let me know, all right?

[singing] I'm about to lose control,

And I think I like it

I'm so excited

- You could stop singing!

On the bright side,

Now you can buy a ceiling fan.

Hey...

Snugglepants.

Oh, man, what a day.

I had this interview with ewing, you know, and he's late.

He was three hours late, and I had to wait for him.

Oh, I am tired, sweetness.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, baby, does that feel good.

Ahh...

Hmm... Come here.

What are you--

What are you doing?

- Trying to help you relax.

- Hunhh!

Oh, god, now the dreams are gonna start again.

- Don't be silly.

- I take it this means you're not mad at me anymore.

- I can't stay mad at you.

Whap!

Have you been to robbie's new place?

- No, he wants a week there to get settled.

- Well, when you do go, take a picture for me.

I don't think I'll ever get invited.

- Oh, ma, you should be happy for him.

He feels good. He feels independent.

- Come on, guys.

- Ooh! - Hi, grandma.

- Hi, grandma.

- Hey, guys.

Hey, deb, guess what.

Look who forgave me.

- [forced laugh] oh, good.

'cause there was such a hole in our lives.

[laughs]

- The only good thing about robbie leaving me

Is that I get to spend more time with all of you.

[laughs]

[buzzer buzzes]

Ooh, that's the dryer.

Ooh, debra, I noticed some new underwear

In there for you--

A little more revealing than usual.

Get robert back.

Otherwise, it's just us and her.

Are you starting to get a bad feeling here?

- I'm just starting to get feeling back.

[knock at door]

- Coming!

- Hi.

Oh, I must have the wrong address.

I'm looking for robert barone.

Robbie rented the room above our garage last week.

- Above the garage? - Yes.

- Oh, I'm his brother, ray.

- Oh, raymond! Come right in.

I'm rita stipe.

I was just about ready to call robert down.

Robbie!

Dinner!

- Coming!

- He's such a nice boy. - Huh.

- Harry! Get down here!

I'm not heating this stuff up for you!

Are you hungry, dear?

- No, no. My wife's making me some--

- You sit yourself right down there.

- We got sour cream for the potato or what?

- It's right in front of you.

- Is that the kind I like?

- No, I buy the kind you don't like.

- Who's this guy?

- Oh, this is robbie's brother.

- Yeah. Hi.

- We got the baco-bits?

- Are you blind?

If this was a snake, it would have bit you.

- If it was a snake, I'd eat it instead of that pot roast.

- Hey, raymond.

What are you doin' here?

- I just came by. I wanted to see the place.

- Well, I guess you should be the first to see it

Since you're the reason I'm here, huh?

I'll tell you what, I'll show you around

Right after I eat what smells like

The best dinner ever.

- Sit, sit, sit. Sit, sit.

It's all your favorite meats.

- Ah.

- So, uh...

Rob...

How's it going?

- Good.

It's kinda weird being on my own, though.

- On your own. Yeah.

So, uh...

Does this place remind you of anywhere?

- Isn't it great to have a brother

Who's a police officer, raymond?

I know I feel much safer knowing he's around.

- Well, it's nice to be appreciated.

Or noticed.

- Raymond...

Barone?

Not "newsday's" ray barone.

- Yeah, yeah. That's me.

- Holy crud.

We got a celebrity in our midst.

Harry stipe. - Yeah. Hi.

- Oh, how exciting.

A writer.

- I love everything you write.

How come you didn't tell me who your brother was?

- Must've slipped my mind.

- So what's it like to write for "newsday"?

- It's okay, I guess. Yeah.

- Oh, a big-time, writer.

[laughs]

And he's humble.

Robert, leave some for raymond!

- Well, here we are.

- Hey...

Look at us.

- Yeah, I got a little more work to do on the place,

But, hey, at least I made the move, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Shamsky loves it. Just look at him.

- Yeah. He's never looked happier.

- Boys, I'm going to the store for ice cream!

Do you want some?

- Ah...

Thank you, mrs. S.

She's one of a kind, huh?

- Yeah. No one else like her.

Listen, robert, I don't think that--

[rumbling]

What the hell is that?

- Garage door opening!

Scared you, huh?

Yeah, I gotta tell you, the first time it went off,

Shamsky ruined my sheets.

- Okay, robert, look, I think--I think--

[rumbling]

- It's going back down!

- I think you ought to get the hell out of here.

- Nah, I'm used to it. I don't even hear it anymore.

- Not that. Look, robert.

This place is no different than home.

- What are you talking about?

It's totally different.

I'm above a garage.

I, uh...

I have a bathroom here.

I'm allowed to bring snacks.

Fiddle faddle?

- Those people, the snipes,

You put more makeup on one and 30 pounds on the other,

That's mom and dad.

- Come on, raymond.

They're nothing like mom and dad.

They're jewish.

- What does amy think of this place?

- Well, mrs. S. Doesn't like me

Having visitors of the female persuasion.

You know, she kind of looks out for me a little too much,

You know, and mr. S., he doesn't like a lot of talking

Except when they're fighting,

And then they go on and on and on and--

Oh, my god!

Maybe this isn't the radical change

I had planned.

- No, there's a-- there's a change.

You get to pay rent now.

- Stupid idiot moron!

- No, no, you're not.

You're not.

No, look, maybe there's something we could do.

Maybe you can, uh...

Move back home.

Yeah, yeah. Make it easy on yourself.

I mean, hey, look, you've made your point here,

And, besides, you know who would be real happy

If you moved back home?

Mom. Hmm?

Wouldn't that be nice--

For all of us?

That would-- "robert's home!

Sloppy joes!"

- You're right. I can't stay here.

- Yeah, yeah, come on, let's, uh...

Let's pack. Let's get you home.

- Oh, no, no. I'm not going home.

- What do you mean?

- I'm finding a real place, on my own.

No adult supervision.

- But what about mom, though? I mean, she's all sad and...

Over at my house a lot.

- All those years I stayed there,

I convinced myself that I wasn't wasting my life

Because it was part of a plan, you know?

Stay at home, save some money,

Meet a girl, then move out,

Then, you know, have a life.

Get married.

Buy a house. Have some kids.

Become...

You know, have it all.

- Yeah.

- I go back now, I have to admit that my plan was nothing.

- You have to find your own place.

- So mom's driving you crazy, huh?

- It's horrible.

What am I gonna do now?

- You got to get out of there.

- Ray! - Hey.

- Did you see robert?

- You see robbie's place?

- Yeah, yeah. He's moving outta there.

- Aah! I knew you could do it!

- Oh! Oh, robbie's coming home.

I got to go clean his room.

- No, mom, he's moving somewhere else.

- What did you do?

- Yeah, what did you do?

[knocking at door]

- Who are you to come into our house

And take away that robert?

Let me tell you something, mr. Big-shot writer.

I needed robert there.

Without him...

It's just me and her.

- That room still available?