Original subtitles

- Okay, how about this?

We're on a private jet, right?

Now, all the passengers, they're asleep.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

And I'm the captain,

And you're the flight attendant.

- Okay.

- Hello...Vickie.

- Wait, who's vickie?

- You are.

- Why can't I just be me?

- All right, okay. All right, fine.

Fine, you're you.

Hello...Debbie.

Boy, I...Usually don't cramp up when I fly,

But maybe you could

Take off your clothes and rub my neck a little.

- Okay, wait, ray.

Ray, can you just be you?

- What--I can't be me.

I don't know how to fly this thing.

- Just forget the airplane.

I just want to be here in our bedroom with you.

- What kind of pervert are you?

- Oh, no! - What, what no?

Everything's locked, turned off, or asleep.

- No, no. I just remembered.

I think I'm out of stuff.

- Stuff? - Yeah, stuff.

Well, there might be a tube of it

Around here somewhere.

- Tube?

- A tube, yes, a tube.

Unless you want to be a father again, look for the tube.

Where--what does it look like?

It's been so long, it's probably expired.

Come on, everything was going so well.

I was home.

You were awake.

Got it! Got it! - You got it?

- Got it, yes.

- Ray, this is sunblock.

- Okay, now we're on a beach, right?

Yeah, you're the rich society--

I'm juan, the cabana boy.

Nice goin'.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- I mean runnin' out of the stuff.

Way to go.

- So you're blaming me?

- Well, you're the one who's in charge of the stuff.

- Why do I always have to be in charge?

Why don't you go to the drugstore and get some things?

- Things--you know I don't like the things.

- Well, I don't like the stuff.

- I don't even like to buy the things,

Especially if there's a lady cashier.

I feel--I feel all dirty, you know?

Like "hey, hey! Guess what I'm gonna be doin' later!

"maybe.

"if I can get all the kids to sleep,

And if the moon and the stars all line up."

- Well, there is another option, you know.

- We discussed it-- a little snip-snip.

- Hey, hey, ow, whoa!

Watch with that kind of talk, huh?

He can hear you.

Don't listen to the crazy lady, okay?

No snip-snip.

No snip-snip.

- Why don't you tell your partner

That it might be in his best interest

To take over this little responsibility.

He might get out more often.

- What are you saying there?

- I'm just saying that if I wasn't in charge

Of absolutely everything,

I might, theoretically,

Be more inclined to... More often.

- Hmm.

But now, if we were to do something this drastic,

We might need something in writing.

- Well, I can't give you any guarantees, but...

- Hey, my client is gonna need some assurances here.

- I'm sure we can reach a satisfying arrangement.

Why don't you two discuss it?

- I'll bring it up at the next meeting.

Relax. I know what I'm doin'.

- Hey, ray.

Happy Halloween.

- Hey, hey, nemo.

- It's good for business.

And stop undressing me with your eyes.

- Excuse me. - Right, right, yeah.

Hey, ha, hey, whoa!

- Welcome to hell. I'll be right with you.

- Hey, hey, hey, ray. - Hey.

- What's up? - Sit down.

We're waiting to see what angelina's wearing.

- Oh, yeah.

- Remember last year's little bunny outfit?

- Remember? I couldn't drive home.

- Hi, guys.

I'll be with you in one minute.

- Please whack me with your ruler,

Sister mary wowie wow wow wow!

- Andy, she's gonna spit in our food.

- Can I take your order?

- Sure, and then I'd like to join your order.

- So you guys want your usual?

- Yeah.

- You know what? Just give me a ginger ale.

I gotta go. - Okay.

- Where are you going so fast?

- I got a little doctor appointment.

- You okay? - Yeah, no, I'm all right.

It's just a--it's a-- it's a little procedure.

- Rubber glove, right?

- No, no glove.

- He doesn't use a glove?

- It's--it's not that, all right?

Come on, can I have a little privacy here?

- Yeah, sure, sure. I understand.

- Well, I don't.

I mean, why are we hiding things?

We're best friends.

I read you my poetry.

- All right.

I'm gettin' a vasectomy.

- Vasectomy? - Mm-hmm.

- What rhymes with vasectomy?

- You're getting a vasectomy.

- Come on--

- Vasectomy? Very courageous, raymond.

- Thank you, sister.

- There once was a man from schenectady.

Huh?

- Is debra okay with this? - Okay?

She came at me with a pair of scissors.

- Hey, ray, I heard you're cuttin' the wires.

- Oh, come on.

- I just want to tell you, it's great.

- You had one? - Oh, yeah.

You're gonna get love like you never got love before.

- Was he flirting with me?

- Here you go.

- All right, guys, listen.

Thanks for your advice and all that.

- Ray, let me just say one word, okay?

Peplowski. - What?

- Peplowski.

Guy on my squad, we went through the academy together.

Had a great future.

And then he got fixed.

He was never the same.

- What do you mean?

- Well, let's just say after the procedure,

He had trouble...

Saluting the captain.

- Saluting the captain.

- Yeah, he could protect, but he could not serve.

- Really?

- Yeah, completely messed up his head, you know?

Never got over the fact that he was firing blanks.

He was working security at the mall, the poor bastard.

- I don't want to work at the mall.

- Just thought I'd give you something to think about.

- We're gonna have to have another meeting.

- Oh, you're back.

Oh, ray, I feel terrible.

I wish you would have let me go to the doctor with you.

Are you okay, hmm?

- [high voice] I'm fine.

- Oh!

- Gonna be sore for a little while.

- No, come on.

- [normal voice] I didn't do it.

- Well, there are some risks. - There are?

- Yeah, I was talkin' to the guys at nemo's--

- Oh, the guys at nemo's!

Brilliant medical minds.

How did you get an appointment?

- All right, look, I changed my mind

About mutilating myself,

But I'm not a complete coward.

There you go. - What?

- In there.

- Are these--

- Things.

- I got the things.

- You did? - Uh-huh.

- These are things? Whoo!

What's with all the fancy colors?

- Well, I mean, it's Halloween.

He wants to dress up, too.

- Wow, I can't believe that you bought these.

- I told the lady, I said,

"hey, give me the rainbow pack, lady.

"and whatever you're thinkin', that's right!

"yeah, and I'm gonna be a regular here,

So just keep the tab open."

- You didn't say that. - I did.

I said that, and then I punched out a stock boy

And kicked over the sucrets rack.

- Well, I'm proud of you.

- And you listen up here, sweet sister.

From now on, all this,

This is--it's all my responsibility, okay?

You don't think about it, not at all.

Okay, I do it all.

I take your ticket.

I show you to your seat.

It's all on me. - Yeah?

- Yeah, so you just-- you know, clear your mind...

- Mm-hmm. - And your schedule

And give popeye some spinach.

- Mmm, you got it.

Right after trick-or-treating...

- [groans] - and the kids fall asleep.

- [groans]

- But I'm thinking it could all happen by 9:30.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- All right, then it's "sportscenter" at 10:00.

- Well, well,

I might not be done with you by 10:00.

- Well, could we start at 9:15?

'cause I really wanna watch "sportscenter."

- [shouts]

- Mommy, I'm ready for my wings. - Hey!

- Ally, my little angel girl.

- Hi. Okay, come on.

Let's go put your wings on, okay?

- See?

Every time you buy the things,

Another angel gets her wings.

- Come on.

Everybody say "cavities."

All: Cavities!

- [growling]

- [screaming]

- Frankenstein...

Hungry!

Eat children!

- Come on, dad.

Every year it's the same thing.

Your bolts are rusty.

- Frank, frank.

Frank.

- [growling]

- Give me back the candy. I need them.

- [growling]

- It's for the children. Please, come on.

I don't have enough candy. - [growling]

- Stop being foolish.

I don't have enough candy!

- [growls]

- You think that's so different from who you really are?

- [groans]

- Doctor make bad bride.

Frankenstein sue doctor.

- Okay, come on, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Hey, frank.

- What's with the hat?

I'm a stewardess.

- Any--any chance of preboarding?

- [chuckles]

9:30, after trick-or-treating.

- All right.

Come on, guys, ten houses and out.

- Yeah, thanks for holding down the fort, frank.

- Hey, you still got the naked channel?

- Yeah, but it's all scrambled.

- I don't mind.

- Where's your costume?

- This is it.

I'm going as the guy who can't wait for 9:30.

[doorbell rings]

- [grumbling and growling]

- Trick or treat!

- [growling]

- He scared me! - It's okay.

- What is wrong with you, scaring children like that?

- I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

Look, look, I'm not scary, see?

- He's scaring me!

- Aw, okay. You like candy?

I got lots of candy. Here.

Here, here we go.

Here you go, there you go, there you go.

- You get some candy, too. There you go, okay.

Don't toilet-paper the house, okay?

My son's a cop.

- Boo!

- [screaming]

- Wow, that's a lot of candy.

That should be enough for tonight.

- No!

- Honey, we've only been to four houses.

Come on.

- All right, come on, come on, come on.

- Trick or treat!

- Sorry, frankenstein's house of tooth decay is closed.

- Aw.

- Well, what can I say?

All right, all right, all right.

Here, here.

There you go.

- Frankenstein sucks.

- Frankenstein sucks!

Frankenstein sucks!

Frankenstein sucks!

- Frankenstein no suck.

[doorbell rings] all right, all right!

[doorbell ringing] [growls]

[doorbell ringing]

- Candy, candy, candy.

Mm.

Here we go!

- Trick or treat. - Trick or treat, yeah.

- Oh, sweet dears, you look terrible.

- Yeah, you look like a cupcake.

- Thank you. Come on in.

- You know, marie, we really got to go,

'cause we got to put the kids down.

- Put them down here, honey.

They could spend the night.

- Could we, mommy? - No, honey. Marie--

- That's a great idea, ma. No, that's good.

You kids, you want to spend the night, right?

- Yeah, you see there?

Old grandma's got lots of candy.

- Yeah!

- Come on, sweetie. - Come on.

- Here, look, look. Go get it.

Go get it.

- That's very clever.

- Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

We have clearance from the tower.

Please enjoy your flight.

- You made it just in time, kid.

The last one.

I almost ate it myself.

- Thanks, frankenstein.

- Hey, dracula.

Hey, dad. - Hey, frank.

- Where are the kids?

- Oh, they're gonna spend the night at your house.

- You know, you didn't leave me enough candy.

- Really? Because that bowl was full.

- I almost had a riot on my hands.

Good thing I found those chocolate coins

You left in the cupboard.

- Chocolate coins?

- Chocolate coins in brightly-colored wrappers, ray.

- The things?

You gave out the things? - Yeah.

- Yeah, so what?

- So?

You don't go in somebody's house

And go in their cabinets

And take their things and give 'em out, you maniac!

- It's Halloween.

You got to give the kids what they want.

- What's going on here?

I'm getting complaints about the treats

Coming from this house.

- Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, ray, the neighbors.

We're going to have to move now.

- Why? Were you saving them for something?

- Yes! As a matter of fact, yes!

- All right, ray, all right.

- The things, debra. We have no more things.

Dracula.

Dracula!

- I don't get it. What's the big deal?

- What's the big deal?

- You are sick.

- And again, we are very sorry, jean.

No, no, no. It was not--

No, it was not a political statement.

Well, it was just my father-in-law.

Yeah, and I'm sorry.

Believe me, I'm sorry.

Okay, bye-bye.

- Don't go to sleep. Don't go to sleep.

Got it. - You got it?

- Got it, got it, got it.

I had to go through 15 draculas

Until I found the right one,

And then I bought it off him.

- Did he know what he had?

- No, but I didn't want to get him suspicious,

So I also bought a popcorn ball,

A marshmallow ghost, and a box of raisins.

- Do you know how many parents I've had to talk to tonight?

- Well, if it's more than two dozen,

Then we're not the only ones giving out the things.

- No, now people are going to think...

Oh, god.

- What?

- That we're having wild sex.

- Well, as long as they're going to think it...

- How can you still want to?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey. - Come on.

- Wait, let's remember why we did all this, huh?

Look, I know it's easy to get distracted

By all these little distractions here,

But we got to keep our eye on the prize there.

I have a dream!

There.

There's the smile.

There's the kiss.

- All right.

- There's my client.

Oh, no.

- What's the matter?

- Chocolate!

- Trick or treat.

- Hey, captain hook.

Did you get any candy from frankenstein?

No, no, honey, come on. Stay awake, stay awake.

Come on, get u-- that's it, bright-eyed.

Come on, bushy-tailed, let's go.

No, no, no, stay awake. Let's sing.

[singing] john jacob jingleheimer schmidt

Da da da da da da da

Hey, you! Nixon!

Did you get any candy from frankenstein?

Wha--hey!

I know where you live, casper.

No, no, no, no, no.

Honey, come on, come on.

Oh.

I hate Halloween.

[groans]

Ah, "sportscenter."