Original subtitles

- Hey, noodle.

- Hey, look at them.

Don't they look adorable?

Oh, our little sailors.

Oh, god, my mother is going to love it.

- Yeah? Why?

Is she a hooker? - Oh.

And I want you to make her comfortable.

- I'm not rubbing her feet.

- How 'bout just calling her by her name?

Huh?

- Okay, I'll rub her feet then.

- Come on, you know, you never say her name.

It's always, "hey-- you there."

Just call--call her lois.

- No, I-I can't call her by her name.

She's a mother.

She outranks me.

- Then call her mom.

- No, no. - Oh, ray,

She would love that.

Come on.

- No, that wouldn't feel right.

"hi, how was your trip, mom?"

Mom. Mom.

- Hi.

- Wow, that-- that is powerful.

Let me try something.

Xena, warrior princess. Xena, warrior princess.

- So, mom, did you like the park?

Was that great?

- Yes, it was a delight,

Except for all the screaming.

- Well, you know, kids are going to do that, so--

- I meant raymond.

- There was a bee.

- Okay, kids.

Come on, bring your hands over here, guys.

Come on, let's wash off all the slushies, okay?

Great. Okay.

- I think I'll go freshen up myself.

- What does she got to go wash off for?

She sat on the bench all day with a crossword puzzle.

- Well, ray, she likes to keep her mind sharp.

- Yeah, well, if it was my mom at the park--

- What are you saying?

- Nothing.

Just that my mom might be better

In certain circumstances

Than someone else's mom.

- Uh, excuse me.

I couldn't find any guest towels.

- That's okay, just use whatever's there.

- Well, you wouldn't

Want me using someone else's towel.

- It's okay, mom. We don't mind. Come on.

- Oh.

All righty then.

And--and what time is dinner, dear?

- Dinner, that's going to be, like, in an hour,

So I'm going to make some lemon chicken.

You want to help me?

- Oh, what good would I be?

You're the cook in the family.

- Wow.

- Would you mind if I took a little siesta?

- Oh, no, of course not. Go ahead, mom.

- What, what?

- This is all your fault.

- What?

- She is taking a nap

Because she doesn't feel like a part of this family

Because you haven't said two words to her all day!

- That's not true. I did, I did.

I even-- I said "lois."

I called her lois. You didn't hear me?

- Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, I heard it.

That was real natural.

You sounded like jerry lewis.

"lo-ho-ho-isss."

- Yeah, well, I told you, you shouldn't force me to do it.

- And by the way, how many times have I said

We need more guest towels around here?

- Oh, I know what's going on here.

You care way too much about what your mother thinks.

Hey, take some advice from me, okay?

You got to cut the apron strings.

- Okay, everybody, dinner.

Let's all sit down to dinner together.

Mom, you're right here.

Okay? - Oh, I can't wait.

It smells wonderful.

- That's me. I burped.

- Okay, great. Well, that's--

- Thanks. Um--

Oh, mom, can you just help geoffrey there?

- Oh, of course. With what?

- Uh, never mind. I'll--

- I got it. I'll get it, I'll get it.

- I'm sorry, dear. - That's okay.

It's okay.

Mm.

[mouths words]

- [coughs loudly]

How's that water? Is that good?

That's good water, right?

- Water?

- Mm.

- Yes, it's fine.

- Ray.

- Well, it's new york water.

She's from-- she's from connecticut.

Well, they don't get the new york water there.

- I'll tell you where they have the most delightful water.

We were hiking in switzerland,

And just as we reached the jungfrau,

We saw this lovely stream.

They call a "wasserfluss."

- I'm out.

- Oh, my.

- Grandma!

- I don't believe it.

I told them not to come over tonight.

- Well, why would you do that?

- Because it's your first night here, mom,

And I wanted it to be just us.

- Well, I hope you didn't offend them, debra.

- No, they don't really get offended in the human sense.

- Hi, everybody.

Grandma's got cake.

- Ma, what the hell you doing in the window?

- Well, we didn't want to interrupt your dinner.

- Yeah, then you'd better get in the time machine.

- Start cutting, marie.

- No, frank, not yet.

They're still eating... Something.

- The deal was I buckle up, follow you over,

Say hello to the woman--

Hello, lois... - Frank.

- And you start cutting, so start cutting.

- Smelled the cake.

And I saw the pan in the sink and didn't see any cake

And figured it was on its way over to raymond's.

- Hello, robert.

- Hello...There.

- How about a little slice? - No, no.

- No. We are not eating cake, all right?

We are eating dinner, not cake.

Cake is not dinner, all right?

I made dinner for my mother, not cake, so no cake.

[telephone ringing]

- I'll get it.

Just remind me where we were.

- Well, I didn't think if I helped with dessert,

It would be a problem.

- It's not a problem, marie.

It's a lovely cake.

- Which we are not having until after dinner, mom.

- I could go for a little dinner.

- I didn't eat yet.

- All right, there's some chicken in the kitchen,

So just go in the kitchen.

- Uh, it's for you.

You.

Uh--

He says it's the great white hunter.

- Oh!

That warren.

Hi, dear.

How's zimbabwe?

- Zimbabwe?

- He says he's on safari.

- That's a lot of crap, safari.

That's just an excuse to see topless native broads.

- Are they really topless?

- No, they just pop 'em out

To get into national geographic.

- Yes, it-- it's fine.

Lovely.

Well, it's not really a vacation.

Debra seems awfully stressed out.

- [sighs]

- What's the matter? What are you doing?

- Perhaps I should go to the hotel.

- Hotel?

- See, now why can't

I have that kind of relationship with my mom?

- I can't believe my mom wants to stay at a hotel.

- You know, there are kids in other countries

Who can't afford to send their mothers to hotels.

- Give my regards to the gazelles.

Ciao.

- So how's he doing?

- Wonderfully.

He's bringing me back a zulu death mask.

- Hmm, wow, that's great.

He probably gets a deal on 'em over there, you know.

No state tax.

- [chuckles] yes.

- How come you want to go to a hotel?

- Lemon chicken. Let's eat it.

Let's wash it down with a little wasserfluss.

- Heard you tell dad you wanted to stay at a hotel.

- Oh, well, it's just that there's a lot

Going on around here,

And perhaps it would be easier for you

If I weren't in the way.

- You're not in the way, mom.

- It was just a notion.

No need to get upset.

Come on, this is my vacation.

- I'd change travel agents.

- Okay, geoffrey, here it is,

All cut up like you like, sweetheart.

- Marie, you don't have to do all that.

- Oh, michael, you need to be up higher.

Let's see.

- Oh, that's going to spill.

- Mom, could you just get the--

- Oh, yes, uh--

- No, it's okay, I got it.

I got it, here, there you go.

All right, here you go, sweetheart.

Let me put this behind you.

- That lois gives me the willies.

Rolls, marie.

- So, um, mom.

Listen, I was thinking that maybe tomorrow

We could go look at fabric together

'cause I wanted to make some new drapes for our bedroom.

- Well, actually, I was hoping to get

Into the city tomorrow to see the renoir exhibit.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that'd be great.

I just don't think the renoir exhibit

Is something we could actually take all the kids to.

- No, you go.

I'll take care of the kids.

They love their grandma.

- Stay down.

- Well, if it's going to be a problem, debra,

I could go to the museum by myself.

- God, mom.

- Well, could you be interested in just one thing

We're doing around here, maybe?

- [laughs] what are you saying?

I'm very interested.

- Well, you sure don't show it.

- [singing] lemon chicken, very pretty

And the lemon chicken is sweet

- I mean, you act like you don't care about me

Or what's going on with the kids.

You haven't asked ray one question about his job.

- [singing] but the chicken of the poor lemon

Is impossible to eat

- Stop it, ray.

Those aren't the words.

I'm trying to talk to my mother, okay?

- Well, perhaps we should talk about this later.

This really isn't the time, debra.

- Oh, that's right. This is your vacation.

Then you got to take a siesta,

Then you're going to run off to see renoir.

- Well, I'm sorry, debra.

I just don't know what you want from me.

- Oh, here, honey, let me get that for you.

- You know what I want?

I want you to be a part of the family.

I want you to help, or I want you

To at least want to help.

Okay?

I want you to be more like--

Like her!

- Like who?

- Like mom.

- Why?

- Hey.

The zulu death mask.

And I was so excited about her coming to visit.

You know, I had this big, wild fantasy.

"oh, my mother's coming, and it's going to be so nice."

- Yeah, well, welcome to the club.

- What club?

- The "your mother comes over,

And it's not so nice" club.

And I'm not just a member, I'm also the president.

- Debra?

- Ow, ow, ow, nails!

- Oh, debra.

- Oh, marie.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow!

- I love you so very much.

- Let go. Let go!

- Ray?

- [whispers] I'll call you.

- What you said just now, I have to admit,

It came as quite a shock.

- To me too.

- I mean, to stand there in front of everyone

And tell them that you wished your own mother

Was more like me,

That I'm the mother you wish you had--

That is what you were trying to say, wasn't it?

- Well, I maybe--

- I mean, after all these years,

To find out what you--

What you really think of me--

You know, you were a little rude, dear.

- What?

- Well, you can't talk to your mother like that.

No matter what she's done, she's still your mother.

- Yeah, but I just wanted her to be a part of the family.

It's been one day, and already she's--

- She's not doing anything.

- No, that's right.

She's not doing anything, nothing, not a thing.

- What do you want her to do?

- I don't know.

Just help me, help the kids.

Get involved.

I mean, you know, she should know.

She's a mother.

- Yes, dear, but she's not mother-ish.

She's a nice lady, but she's not mother-ish.

She is not the kind of mother we are.

- We?

- See, I like to think

That whatever it is you didn't get from her,

Whatever it is you learned

About what it really means to be a mother,

That maybe you got that from me.

- [chuckles weakly]

- [laughs]

It's funny, isn't it?

How life gives you what you need.

[laughter]

- You got to love life.

- So he's in africa, huh?

I saw this thing on the discovery channel once

Where there were tribes that communicated like--

[clicking tongue]

Yeah.

I didn't see the whole special.

I just saw a little bit of it.

- Okay, we're out of here.

- Yeah, everyone's distracted with the fight.

We got the cake.

- Good-bye...There.

- Gentle.

- Strange lady.

- Mom, can I talk to you?

- [clicking tongue]

- You all right, dear?

- I'm fine, yeah. Listen, mom--

- Debra wants to say something to you.

- [sighs]

I-I'm sorry I snapped at you.

- Oh, honey. - I just--

- You don't have to apologize to me.

I'm the one that's sorry.

I know I'm not good at certain things.

- No, no, 'cause you're right, this is your vacation.

- No, I mean, I-I've never been good at those things.

You know, when you were growing up--

- No, mom, you did other things.

We always spent a lot of time together.

You know, you took me to museums and the theater,

And we traveled,

And you opened up the whole world to me.

You know?

- And that's important.

- Marie, would you mind?

- What, dear?

- A little privacy.

- Debra. - Please?

- Why don't I just go clean?

Also important.

- You know, debra,

I'm glad I'm not staying at a hotel.

Because being here with you,

It's giving me a chance to see

What a great mom you are.

- Really?

- Really.

- Well, thank you.

- And you--

You like the cleaning and the cooking

And the running around after the kids, huh?

- You know, I-I guess I do.

- I don't know where you get it from.

- [laughs]

[telephone ringing]

- Hey, leave a message.

[beep]

- Hello, everything's fine now.

You can bring the cake back over.

Frank, pick up.

Robert?

Raymond?

Are you eating that cake?

You better not have started that cake.

That cake is for all of us!

Frank?

I'm coming over.

- Save yourself.

Hi, ma.

It was raymond; I tried to stop him.