Original subtitles

I want to thank everyone for giving up your lunch hours.

It's so exciting for all of us.

Happy to be here.

- Who wants to start us off? - I'll be happy to.

Gwen, why don't you start us off?

- Do you need the pointer? - No.

- I'll hold onto it then. - She's fine. Gwen?

There is a concern that I have that I think needs addressing is that...

we can't the Port-o-Potties too far off the route.

Because we have a lot of seniors.

That's solved.

We'll put the Port-o-Potties right here, they won't be in the way.

We'll put a receptacle...

here near Arts and Crafts. - You mean the big bins?

And we've got barrels, too. We'll put barrels on every corner.

- That's the crate? - No, that's the big barrel.

- You got the pie-eating going on here. - It's a dumpster.

If anything happens like last year with that pie-eating...

Which brings me to a point.

Security.

Security. I say we put...

a rifle on here...

a man with a rifle here and a rifle here.

- Protect the whole square... - Is that really necessary?

- Every year he brings this up. - Remember we got egged last year?

We're pleased as punch.

We're so proud. Whatever we do here is a first for Blaine and for Missouri.

Whatever we do will be the standard against which...

all other sesquicentennials, that's the 150...

will be judged.

The people of Blaine are "can do" people. There's a saying in Missouri:

"If you don't like the weather wait five minutes."

In Blaine, I honestly believe...

with hard work, we can get that down to three or four minutes.

In our sesquicentennial year, we've a lot...

to talk about, to be proud of.

The world should know more about Blaine.

We're chomping at the bit certainly from this end.

It all started with Blaine Fabin.

He was hired by 30 settlers...

to lead a wagon train expedition from Philadelphia to California.

On the 14th night, they were sitting around the campfire...

and Blaine said, "Do you smell it?

"Do you smell the salt in the air? We are here.

"I've brought you to California."

There was a big party. Next morning they got up...

they didn't see the ocean, because they were in Missouri.

Blaine convinced them for a while that it was low tide.

But what happened was he'd made mistakes: Bad weather...

he wasn't familiar with the proper route...

but it turns out everyone was happy to be where they were.

They said, "It's okay we didn't get to California. We'll stay."

That's why I'm at this desk.

I'm proud to say I'm a direct descendent of Blaine Fabin.

I've lived here all my life...

as did my parents and their parents and their parents and their parents...

and so on and so forth.

I'm very excited about the show coming up because...

it'll the first time I'll have...

the experience of sitting in the audience and seeing actors portray...

my ancestor...

the actual Blaine Fabin.

Being a Fabin is not always easy.

I can certainly understand how the Kennedy's feel.

I had been living in New York...

and working there as an actor...

and director and choreographer for 25 years or so.

And I really felt I needed a change.

I imagined in my fantasy, I suppose...

that when I came here, I would have a completely different life.

A construction worker...

or one of those guys that works on those high-wire things that...

with the hard hat, that sweeping sort of hat and...

with the chaps.

But that didn't really work out.

I began to realize, I guess, that the theater was still in my blood...

and what I had to do was make use of that. So...

I offered my services to the high school here...

and they accepted, and I began to teach drama.

Within about six months I had formed the Blaine Community Players.

We're excited about the show that's happening at the end of the festival.

Everyone right now is just going crazy getting ready to audition.

Unfortunately I won't be able to audition. We have to stock...

that day and can't get out of it. And Corky will not...

let me audition any other time. He said, "That's show business," and...

he's the master, you must give him credit for that.

President McKinley did a whistle stop tour back in 1898.

And, a little boy, Jimmy McBean, made a stool for him.

He loved it so much that he called back and said:

"I'd like to give more of these to dignitaries who are visiting."

Before you knew it, Blaine is manufacturing footstools.

And that's how the big... that's how we got the stool boom.

Blaine became the Stool Capital of the World.

My first show was Barefoot in the Park, which was an absolute smash.

But my stage production of Backdraft was what really got them excited.

This whole idea of...

in-your-face theater really affected them.

The conceptualization, the abstraction, the obtuseness...

of this production was what was interesting.

I wanted the audience to feel the heat...

from the fire. The fear, because people don't like fire poked...

poked in their noses.

When you get a barbecue cinder on your nose...

and you make that face? That's not a good thing.

I wanted them to have the sense-memory of that.

So, during the show...

we burned newspapers and sent it through the vents in the theater.

They freaked out.

Of course the Fire Marshall came over and shut us down for two days.

Mr. Bluestein, Montezuma's Revenge is no more than...

good old-fashioned American diarrhea.

Adult diapers should never even enter the picture.

So you lose a few pounds.

My mom said that "Blaine's a little town...

"...with a big heart in the heart of a big country."

To me, Blaine is a kind of town where...

I can have my own business...

meet and marry a wonderful woman like Sheila...

and be something.

Be somebody.

Some people find it ironical that we run a travel agency...

and we've never left Blaine.

With one exception.

You left Blaine.

I went to Jefferson City once, it was a...

Tell them why.

It was a medical reason.

You can tell them.

Just minor surgery.

I've worked here at the DQ for about...

eight months?

Seven?

I don't know, something like that. It's fine.

You just do the cones.

Make sundaes. Make Blizzards...

and put stuff on them and...

See a lot of people come into the DQ.

Burgers.

Ice cream.

Anything, you know?

Cokes. Just drive in and get a Coke if you're thirsty.

Everybody thinks Roswell was the first UFO sighting...

in the United States and that's bullroar.

We had the first sighting here 1946.

It wasn't just a sighting. It didn't just fly by.

They stopped, they landed.

The people went on board the ship for a potluck dinner.

I've been coming out to this landing site every day for two years.

To measure it.

And here's the thing.

The circumference and the diameter change by a few inches.

Yet the radius remains the same...

which brings me back to the number five.

There are five letters in the name Blaine.

Mix the word Blaine up, mix it around, eventually you'll get Nebali.

Nebali. The name of the planet in a galaxy...

way, way...

way far away.

I'll tell you, once you step inside this circle...

the weather never changes. It is always...

67 degrees...

with a 40 percent chance of rain.

Always.

I love to make people laugh...

and I've been doing it since, you know, school.

People ask me, "Were you..."

You know, "You must've been the class clown."

And I say: "No, I wasn't."

But I sat beside the class clown...

and I studied him...

and saw how he made people laugh...

and so I picked some things up and at parties and family functions...

I have to say, I love, you know, breaking people up, so...

There's a thing that I think I got, an entertaining bug...

from my grandfather, Chaim Pearlgut...

who was very big in the Yiddish theater back in New York.

He was in the...

very, the sardonically irreverent Dybbyck Schmybyck...

"I Said, 'More Ham."'

And that review, I believe was 1914...

and that review is what made him famous.

Incidentally, the song Bubi Made a Kishka came from that review.

My father...

bless him, brought me into the business.

This was his dental practice before.

And I joke with my wife that, you know, at that point...

that's when the money started...

rolling in, you know.

"Brave making...

"...more wampum to buy pelts.

"One happy squaw in wigwam...

"...happy as mongoose."

That...

is, of course, from Johnny Carson, who...

one of my heroes, in a very funny bit.

"When I see lips waiting to be kissed

"I can't stop I can't stop

"For that lightning Oh, it's striking

"Again

"Lightning's striking

"Again and again and again and..."

I'm going to do a scene from the movie Raging Bull.

You fuck my wife?

What?

You fuck my wife?

How can you ask me, I'm your brother and you ask me that?

Where'd you get the balls big enough to ask me that?

Basically, for the last 15 years I have been...

the music teacher...

at Blaine High.

A very important part of my job is to put on a show...

every year, which I've done, completely by myself.

This year it's going to be different, because Corky...

being from New York, being a professional...

and having put on some...

very theatrical productions here...

is going to be directing the show this year. And I'll be...

the musical director, which is different for me.

"Teacher's pet

"I want to be teacher's pet

"I want to be

"Huddled and cuddled

"As close to you as I can get

"Teacher's pride

"I want to be teacher's pride"

Doctor Pearl!

How are you? Ron Albertson.

My wife, Sheila, you remember her from previous bills.

- What are you doing here? - I'm here...

trying out for the big show.

- Congratulations. - No, why are you here, really?

I told my wife I'd come out for this show and give it...

I thought I'd give it a shot.

Give it your best shot. It won't be the first shot you ever gave.

Hope it doesn't leave Corky numb.

It's like pulling teeth to get a discount from him.

Give some caramels to the little girl. Future customers, Doc.

"So I can be teacher's pet

"Long after school is through

"Teacher, teacher, I love you"

Maybe just...

"I dream of Jeannie

"With the light brown hair

"Floating like a vapor

"On the soft summer air"

Look out.

"Camptown races sing this song Doo dah doo dah

"Camptown racetrack five miles long

"Doo dah day Going to run all night

"Going to run all day Bet my money on the bobtailed nag

"Somebody bet on the bay

"Bay bay bay

"Way down

"Upon the Swanee River

"Floating like a vapor

"On the soft summer

"Air"

- Very nice. - Very, very, that was very good.

- Well, thank you, Dr. Pearl. - Thank you very much.

We'll let you know.

- Very good. - Thank you.

- He's good. - He can actually sing, you know.

Ding dong.

I wonder who knows I'm vacationing here at The Oasis?

Am I late?

- You! - Surprised?

- How did you find me? - I have my ways.

Would you like to come in for coffee?

"You don't need to answer

"There's no need to speak

"I'll be your belly dancer

"Prancer

"And I will be your sheik

"I don't need a harem honey

"When you're by my side

"And you won't need a camel

"No, no, when I take you for a ride"

We'll need coffee to go with that ride.

You're always full of surprises.

I wonder, do we have time for that coffee?

What time is it?

Haven't you been paying attention?

- "It's Midnight at The Oasis" - "It's Midnight at The Oasis"

- Thank you. - Good.

That was great.

- Really good. - Well, thanks a lot.

And thanks for coming.

- Should we leave the... - Why don't you put that back there.

Strike it?

We've done a few shows for Corky, and we know the terms.

Thanks so much. It was really fun. Thank you.

I'm feeling good...

about where we stand now with our cast. I think that...

the elements...

as Dr. Watson said to Sherlock, "are coming together, sir."

I'm very excited about...

Ron and Sheila, the old standbys, the work horses.

I call them the Lunts of Blaine.

Allan Pearl. Interesting. Where do they come from?

Sure, I'd seen him around, but I'd never walk up to the...

dentist and say, "Are you interested in this?"

I was shopping for my wife Bonnie.

I buy most of her clothes.

And...

Mrs. Pearl was in the same shop.

And it just was an accident. We started talking...

about panty hose and she was saying...

Whatever, that's not the point of the story. The point...

was that through this accidental meeting, it's like, you know...

like a Hitchcock movie where you're...

thrown into a rubber bag and put in the trunk of a car.

You find people.

You find them.

Something. Is it karma?

Maybe.

But we found him. That's the important thing.

And I got Bonnie a wonderful pantsuit.

They took me into a separate room. They took different people...

different ones of us off in separate rooms...

and they put me on a big white table.

And...

the guy that took me there, that took me in there...

to examine me, I guess, he probed me and then...

I was there, I bet, more than three or four hours in that room...

being probed and at one time or another...

different ones of them come in four, five, six at different times...

and all of them probed me.

Not all at once. Individually.

Later on, years later, now even still...

It's a funny thing. It happened on a Sunday and every Sunday...

about the time that I was taken on board that ship...

I find I have no feelings in my buttocks.

Casting a show is really only the beginning of the process.

There's also the whole design concept.

What fabrics will work for the costumes.

The lighting. And it really becomes...

a wrassling match, I guess...

between me and the muse of theater...

and most of all, dance.

Close your eyes. I want you to try something.

What are you thinking? What are you feeling right now with your eyes closed?

I feel a bree... You're blowing in my ear.

You jumped to a conclusion. See, what I'm asking for is...

your first feeling was not that I was blowing on you.

It was more like...

Virgin Isles or...

Bahamanian...

or Arubian...

He's at his rehearsal. He's at his first rehearsal.

I don't know what they're doing, I've never been to one.

I bet they're introducing themselves to each other.

It's going to be nice to meet some of these new folks...

'cause we don't socialize with the creative types.

We got our Scrabble club and stuff and...

and other people with babies.

The exercises all mean something.

Even if you don't know what.

Dr. Pearl, he'll come around and...

he'll learn like...

Ron and Sheila and I have learned...

that Corky has a vision.

Forget about it!

Here it's okay, but he thought I was going to...

I...

I’m walking...

on air.

You know, this is a sensation which is... Forget it.

When I became a dentist I thought I was happy, but this...

is making me nervous now because...

I could've wasted a lot of years.

I was very shocked to see that Dr. Pearl had actually been cast.

Then I thought...

We're in a glamour profession as travel agents and he isn't.

One project: we must loosen him up. I feel he's a little tight...

especially when he's with us.

He won't mind jokes.

- Your experience is intimidating! - I can't help it. I know.

Ron'll help everyone...

he gives me, in all the productions we've been in...

and when we do scene studies at home together...

Ron will have extensive, you know, hour, two-hour sessions of notes for me.

- It's so helpful. Lately we've been... - For us both. You just get most of them.

He's trying to help me change my instincts or at least ignore them.

Listen, let me tell you why I'm here.

We're doing a show. I won't beat around the bush. I wrote a show...

about the 150th anniversary of Blaine. I know you're an old Blainian.

And you're right for one of the parts. It's the Narrator...

in the show.

One of the actor parts?

I don't know.

You're being modest, 'cause I heard you've had some...

history in show business.

Well, you know, I did have a, I had a...

hankering to be an actor when I was young, when I left the Coast Guard.

I went to taxidermy school instead. I took a correspondence course.

I'll tell you, Mr. Wooley...

what I'm looking for in my shows are actors...

and people that are willing to work hard.

Yeah, I'm a hard worker as you can see.

- I love all the work you've done. - Thanks.

That's a little gun rack made out of deer hooves.

Boy, I didn't know deer's could do that.

This comes out of left field but I'm looking for another actor.

I was wondering if you had any interest in participating in the show.

Does that appeal to you in any way?

I'm not much of an actor. I'm sorry.

- No, I mean... - I've never done...

anything like that before really.

Okay. Fair enough, but it might be interesting, you know.

Do you get off tonight? What time do you get off tonight?

Well, I get off at 8:00.

At 8:00 tonight?

Really. That's a long day.

Dad, this is Mr...

- St. Clair. ...St. Clair.

- He's a drama guy. - Yeah.

- At 8:00 you're off, though. - Right.

I must tell you I'm not much of an actor or singer.

You know, that's what...

Charles Laughton said, and look what happened.

Did you change the fan belt on that blue Chevy?

I haven't done that yet.

When you get done, will you get on that?

So, how tall are you?

- 6' 2". - Really.

"It's all the same"

When we say, "Nothing ever happens in Blaine"...

could we try...

you two singing it "Blaine"...

where we really hear the "n" at the end...

and you guys just go, "Nothing ever happens in Blay."

Don't say the "n," they say the "n's".

Then you sing, "It's all the same," and you sing, "It's all the say."

Let's try it once. Okay, Jeannie, one, two, three, and...

I know it's hard to jump in...

because it must seem like, you know, a new world.

We'll ease you into it. And if you ever have any questions you can always...

call me up.

I'll give you my private number. It's not listed, so don't lose it.

And do not give it out to anyone.

"How high a ridge...

"...I could not tell...

- "...for the sun..." - Okay, but not...

not pinching your shirt. I want you to hook in those thumbs.

Yeah, there you go.

Yeah, just... That's right.

"How high a ridge I could not tell."

See what's happening with your voice? It's like you're...

squeezing your boobies out, and it'll go out into that audience.

Pushing it right out. I could try it out.

"How high a ridge I could not tell."

Keep in time.

Robin in the nest.

"By the pool

"In the stool by the fire Yule

"It's the rule!

"Every stool there's a stool!

"Stools are where

"Once upon a time you'd find a chair

"A chair is for fools

"Everybody wants stools

"Stool boom

"From the parlor to the pool room

"Everyone knows our name"

- Whose script is that? - Sorry.

"Starting, stopping never breathing, working..."

I don't want to interfere, but...

I think it would be...

we must work on... - I can't hear you.

I think we must work on the music a little more...

but I don't want to make trouble...

so...

I don't want to do this in front of them.

- I think... - Where do you want to do it?

I think we have to sit down and make a schedule...

that includes some music time 'cause I think...

Jean and I...

have to work... - Why are you whispering?

I'm right here, you know.

I'm sorry, do you want me to talk louder?

Because I think...

Now it's too loud.

Just talk like a normal person, okay?

I think what they were doing was good.

For me.

Rehearse, get it perfect. You know what you're doing.

- Then what? - Then you forget about it.

Let me pinpoint you. You said they learn it, they forget it.

- And that's okay. - That's great.

- They've forgotten it... - But they never learned it.

When do they learn it? When do we...

If they're going to forget it anyway then what difference does it make?

It's like one of those, it's like a Zen thing.

It's like, you know...

how many babies fit...

in the tire thing. That whole, the old joke, you know.

You have a point. It's an interesting point.

How'd you find this place?

- We've been coming here for many years. - Every Thursday.

With the rehearsals, you won't be able to now.

True.

In China they kill a monkey at the table...

and split its head open, eat the brains right there.

We had friends, Barbara and Bruce, remember?

They went to China...

you're in travel I'm sure you've been to Peking, where ducks are made...

and what they say...

is that the food over there is not as good.

You can't get a sauce as thick and sweet. They don't make it like that.

- The food is steamed. - They should've called you.

That's right.

We got good packages. If you want to get down to Miami...

we've got a great package. A week, two weeks.

Really.

You get any kind of food in Blaine. You don't...

You get Chinese here and...

no need to... - We're talking about Miami now.

- We'd love to. Is it direct? - It's a great package, one or two weeks.

There're no Chinese people in Miami?

- We should. - Of course there are!

- We're talking about China. - I'm talking about going to Miami.

Eat something before you have more wine.

What's it, what's it...

Girl talk.

What's it like to be with a circumcised man?

I'd ask you more about that but Ron said...

the whole Jew thing's not...

When Ron had his surgery...

I said, "Circumcise it while you're at it."

I've never been with anyone else.

- Ron's the only man I've been with. - What kind of surgery did you have?

Minor corrective surgery.

Can we have some coffee, please?

It's not minor anymore.

- We should change the subject. - No.

I had what, you know, most guys, would...

dream of, you know. I had to have...

penis reduction surgery. - I'm sorry?

Penis reduction.

You'll say, "Never heard of it," 'cause there aren't many cases.

I said, "Ron, do something."

He said, "Why don't you get one of those vagina enlargements?"

Dear, could we have some coffee?

- You tried the egg rolls? Unbelievable. - They're good.

You're a medical man.

I want to ask you something.

For heaven's sake, no!

- I just want you... - Don't do that.

Medicine man not go near dances with stumpy, no!

Everybody, everybody...

I have a little announcement to make.

I wasn't going to tell you. I sent out...

ten letters to different producers in New York City.

This is from the Oppenheimer Organization.

"Dear Mr. St. Clair...

"...ln response to your letter re: Blaine, Missouri's 150th anniversary...

"...and the debut of your original musical...

"...Red, White and Blaine...

"...the Oppenheimer Organization is delighted to inform you...

"...that it will send a representative...

"...Mr. Mort Guffman, to view the production...

"...and enlighten us with his comments."

How about that.

"Thank you for the invitation." And it says, "Best regards...

"...Samuel Oppenheimer, Junior."

What does this mean, Corky?

What it means is we may be going to Broadway.

My aunt brought out her atlas that I look at a lot.

This big blue book and...

opened up to New York and it's an island, is really what it is.

It's this island full of people of...

different colors and different ideas and I can't...

It sounds like a lot of fun to me. We don't see much of that...

in Blaine.

I'd like to...

maybe meet some guys, some...

Italian guys or...

watch TV and stuff.

I'll be glad to do the show on Broadway, and there will probably be other offers.

Keeping our fingers crossed.

But I don't know if the theater and the stage is for me.

There's a lot of memorizing of lines. I think you know what I'm thinking.

- Yeah, that's always been in the way. - The ultimate goal, Hollywood.

Even when I was a kid doing impressions: "Here's looking at you, babe" and...

"You don't care about anyone but yourself."

Who is it? Henry Fonda. I always have to say who I'm doing.

She laughs and says, "Who's that?"

There's the germ in my mind that that's where I'd end up...

on the silver screen. You got the face for it too, darling.

I want to try that "less is more" acting...

where when you talk to someone you close your eyes, then look at them...

when you're not talking to them. Talking to them, you go like that...

and you open your eyes, then you look back at them.

The Guffman news is really big.

I don't truthfully think that the cast understand...

how big.

They don't know the New York thing. They haven't been through it and I have.

So, it's kind of on my shoulders.

Going to the Big Apple for the first time is...

such an experience, you never forget it. It stays with you for your whole life.

Me, you know, right out of the Navy, fresh off a destroyer...

with a dance belt and a tube of Chapstick, not much to call my own.

And then basically being slammed down for...

ten or so years, you know, off-off-off-off-Broadway...

and then, enough is enough. I get the joke.

Will that happen again? I don't want it to happen again.

In my deepest, deepest of hearts I do not want it to happen again.

Mr. Guffman brings with him a reputation.

Something bigger than anyone in this town has ever known...

and if I am to get back to New York City...

on my terms I cannot deliver him...

a stinky product. I really have to be...

presenting him...

a package. A beautifully wrapped...

glossy...

sweet-smelling show.

What I need...

from you, because you're the bosses...

of the town essentially, and I know that, is...

This is so hard. There's nothing easy about this.

It's like getting your legs waxed...

and they whip that thing off real fast.

That's what this is like.

I need...

more money.

Steve's right. How much do you need?

What I need...

is $100,000.

Let me explain, let me explain what...

Oh, man, my heart stopped for a second.

- Let me explain really what that entails. - I bought it all the way.

He's serious, Glenn.

- He's not kidding. - Our entire budget...

for the entire year is...

$15,000 for everything and that includes swimming.

I don't have any swimming in my show.

No, I mean the pool. That's the entire year.

- We have a manager. - $100,000?

You're a nice fellow, and we're all glad you're here, but if I may be blunt...

what's wrong with you?

What I'm understanding here, and correct me if I'm wrong...

is that you're not giving me...

any money.

Now I'm left basically with nothing.

I'm left with zero, in which... What can I do with zero?

I can't do anything. This is my life here we're talking about.

Not something else. We're talking about my life.

It's forcing me to do something I don't want to do.

To leave.

To go out and just leave and go home and make a clean cut here...

and say, "No way, you're not putting up with these people."

Why can't I put up with you people? Because you're bastard people.

That's what you are. You're bastard people and I'll go home...

to bite my pillow, is what I'll do!

- What do you use on your skin? - Vaseline.

You use petroleum jelly on your skin? You are getting away with murder.

- What do you mean? - You're young, it's okay...

I have an announcement. I have to talk to you.

Excuse me. I must talk to you.

- I'll round us up. - Okay, hold on.

- Good morning. - We have an announcement.

We have to talk.

Everybody gather around, please. Gather around.

Excuse me.

Dr. Pearl, please be quiet. I have an announcement. Listen up.

Are we going to be vocalizing?

- We will be vocalizing. - I'd like to clear my throat.

Yes, we'll be vocalizing.

Excuse me, please.

Everybody, let's be serious, just for a moment.

Let's all listen up, okay?

Corky has left the show, and I am taking over.

What I want to do today...

is start with some music, do dancing...

and work on our lines. My hope is that at the end of five days...

we'll know what to do... - What?

and we'll have a show. - Corky's left?

- He's left for today or permanently? - Quit the show...

and it's my show.

Do that twice a day, that's good exercise.

- Is he not answering? - Corky, we love you!

Corky, open up!

We love you! We want you to live!

There may be something wrong. Try the door.

He wants to be alone.

- I won't forgive myself if anything's wrong. - Just shut up!

Jesus Christ!

Please!

You freaking people! My God!

I know how he feels, too!

Guess I can just go back to the Dairy Queen.

They said they'd take me back.

I always have a place at the Dairy Queen.

You must stop crying.

She hasn't cried this much since the day we got married, honestly.

This is wonderful.

I didn't react like this when I played football for the Blaine Panthers...

and our quarterback had a dislocated knee.

- I should've said, "Time out." - 'Cause you're strong.

"Let's delay the game." My lip trembled and I'd say:

"We have an injured quarterback, let's give up."

No. You know what? We brought in the second quarterback.

When he went down, we brought in the third one...

and we went out and we whipped Harry Truman High School...

and then we mopped the floor with Blessed Heart of Mary...

and they went on to win the State Championship.

To tell you the truth, I haven't thought about it.

Not for a second have I dwelled on the fact that the show's over.

I don't think about it. I try not to think about it.

And therefore I don't. Because it's a very healthy way...

to deal with something that's ultimately not that important in the long run.

It's not important at all, you know, for me.

I'm just so sad for Corky. I mean...

I think these creative people are real emotional.

I think the important thing about show biz people...

is that you must have another life and I know, you know...

he's got a wife. I guess she's out of town...

because I haven't seen her.

And I've never seen her. So, you know, that could be the problem.

Maybe she's just not supportive.

Without you there's no show. Without a show, no celebration.

Without a celebration, there's no Blaine.

So, you see how it's a domino effect.

You know how dominoes do that.

Without Blaine, there's no Missouri.

Blaine's the heart of Missouri.

What happens if Missouri goes down? You tell me.

We need the magic back in the show, is what we need.

And it won't happen with Lloyd.

Lloyd is a music teacher...

he shops at Walmart. He doesn't support the town.

The person who needs you the most...

is Blaine Fabin.

And I'm not just saying that because I am a Fabin.

I'm saying that because I just know...

that nobody...

can touch...

that whole...

thing.

That whole thing.

You could take a nickel and make it into...

into $1 million. He's a genius! We can't lose that.

Look what you did with Barefoot without a budget.

You didn't have $100,000 and look what happened to that show.

And Backdraft? You took a bit of cellophane and made it into flames.

You can still feel the heat.

You're not wrong.

We need you to take your magic wand...

and wave it...

and make this town special again, is what we need.

Will you do it?

Come on back, Corky.

Pain!

Thank you.

Let's pretend that it never happened, okay?

Let's jump into Covered Wagons. Let's start from the dance part.

Covered Wagons!

In a funny way...

what the City Council did was really give me a challenge.

It's a challenge that I'm going to accept.

It's like in the olden days in the...

days in France, when men would slap each other with their gloves...

and say, you know, "D'Artagnan...

"...how dare you talk to me like that, you!"

And smack them.

I did want to mention one thing.

Specs?

1845...

you know, I think...

it's a little problem.

My glasses.

- I can't... - I don't think you should wear them.

Don't wear them in the show?

Mostly in Covered Wagons.

That's the one where it's just not as believable.

Of course when you get further up in time...

Historically it's...

I can see a couple of problems. Nothing major and nothing we can't solve.

One:

Contrary to public opinion, I don't see very well...

without my glasses.

So, I'm thinking is that going to be a problem for me, just...

look out.

And the other thing which is also a problem is...

I have a very lazy eye...

which...

these prescription glasses...

help correct.

Getting off the horse is not a problem. I can get off like that.

Where I'm having a problem is...

sometimes the horse comes out and I can't get past the cow.

So I have to do this when I come out. Gather 'round, for I have news.

I don't know which is more life-like, the horse or Dr. Pearl.

You.

When you come in from here it just looks great.

- I feel like a hero coming in. - Hello.

Yeah?

What do you mean?

- Then we back up. - Wait till we turn around.

- I've waited for you to turn... - What are you saying?

I understand that. I understand. Believe me, I do understand.

What you can do is just say, "absolutely not."

Do you understand that?

I don't believe that, I'm sorry. I do not accept that.

That is not an answer, no.

It's unacceptable that you would say this now.

Not today.

And that's the way it is?

Then I just hate you! And I hate your ass face!

What's up?

Johnny's not in the show. His dad said he has to go back to work.

Does he think it's school and he can be absent one day?

- This is the day of the show, y'all. - My God.

- Just... - This is very strange.

Ron, just let me think for a second, all right?

I just got to take a breath here and try to figure this out, all right?

It's tight. Oh, that hurts.

Hike it up a little bit, you'll get more room.

I'm pulling them up. I'm trying to commit to one side here, dear.

This is Johnny's costume and Johnny's a lot...

He's a different body type than you are.

- I'm about five inches away... - I understand.

Actors, we're at 15 minutes.

We're at 15.

No. We got to move now.

You'll have to help me.

You've got to help me here.

- I'm so nervous. - You'll be great.

If there's an empty space, say a line. I like to do that.

Even if it's from another show.

- Where's the lilac dress? - The purple one?

Where is it?

I told you to lay off the hot fudge sundaes. I couldn't let the seams out.

- It's not here? - No, it is not.

I destroyed my make-up!

Hark, a rider approaches!

- Oh, God. - No, it's all right. Careful.

I hope that isn't too hot.

No, no, it's just fine.

No glasses for the first number.

- No, no. I didn't forget. - Actors, we're at places.

Have a good show, everybody. Break a leg!

Don't worry, it's all going to roll...

- He's not here. - What?

- He's not here. - Guffman?

Not here?

Everybody, look, I've been through this a million times.

These New York types like to come late.

I've never seen one of them...

come on time in all my years in the theater.

Take a deep breath.

Blow it out. He'll be here.

Let's just do a good show, okay? Everybody.

Hands in the middle.

Howdy!

Didn't see you sneak up on me there.

If you like you're welcome to share my campfire with me.

I was just fixing to get me some grub.

Beans.

I love beans.

Big, fat, hot, juicy beans.

Now don't get me going on beans...

or I'll be jabbering away till the sun comes up.

But you know...

now that I've got your ear...

there is a story I'd like to share with you.

It's a tall tale that grows taller with each passing year.

It's the story...

of Blaine.

We've traveled long and far today. The women and children must rest.

Don't you rest on our account, Daniel Potter.

We women are just as strong and resilient as you men.

I believe you are, Rebecca. I believe you are.

California will be a sight for these weary eyes.

Mine as well, Rebecca. Mine as well.

But right now we need a campfire to warm our souls and to cook our food.

Done.

That's quite enough of that, Billy Whitaker.

Just one kiss.

There'll be plenty of time for kissing when we get to California.

If we get to California.

Oh, we'll get there.

Blaine Fabin will lead us there.

Hark, a rider approaches.

Blaine Fabin returns!

Whoa! Steady!

Gather 'round, for I have news.

What news? What did your keen and perceptive eyes behold?

Just off yonder there is a ridge.

How high a ridge I could not tell...

for the sun had set and darkness fell before I reached its pinnacle.

Then...

a strange thing happened.

My nose started twitching.

There's a mysterious scent in the night air.

What kind of scent?

What was this mysterious scent?

It was the scent of salt water.

Salt water.

Ladies and gentlemen...

we have reached our destination.

We have reached the Pacific.

Welcome to California!

"Grab your fella by the hand

"Welcome him to the Promised Land

"Grab your Lady by the arm

"Take her out behind the barn!"

Everybody dance!

That was great.

Sixty years went by...

and the town of Blaine kept a-growing and a-changing.

Every time you looked around a new house was going up, a new family was moving in.

- Hurry, Agnes. - I am trying to hurry. There we go.

Do you got my hat?

Your hat is right here, darling.

McGillicutty's orchard became the Blaine Elementary School.

They even laid tracks for that newfangled invention, the Iron Horse...

which brought a pretty important visitor to Blaine.

It's President McKinley!

Good people of Blaine, they told me my next stop was Wichita.

But I said, "What about Blaine?"

I guess I need a new travel agent.

Mr. President...

in honor of our visit...

your visit to our town, I present you humbly...

with this fair key to our city.

I do declare.

I believe the key to the city is larger than the city itself.

Wait, Mr. President.

What have we here?

It's a footstool.

I make them.

Isn't that interesting. I'll take this back...

to Washington with me and every time I rest my feet...

I’ll think of Blaine.

We all know that politicians aren't used to keeping their word.

He's here.

I told you he was going to come.

Before you know it, everyone, rich and poor alike...

had to have a Blaine stool in their home.

The little town never knew what hit it.

Footstool factories sprouted up like, like toadstools.

Everyone had a good job.

Everyone was making a good wage.

Blaine was on the map.

"By the pool

"In the school By the fires of Yule

"It's the rule

"There's a stool There's a stool

"Stools are where

"Once upon a time you'd find a chair

"A chair's for fools

"Everybody wants stools

"Stool boom

"From the parlor to the pool room

"In the center of a stool boom

"Everyone knows our name

"Working, building

"Never stopping, never sleeping Working, making

"Some for selling, some for keeping You will drool

"At the splendor of these magic stools

"It's the rule Everyone has a stool

"Just relax

"It's a treat for which a monarch asks

"Hawk your jewels Use the money

"For stools

"Stool boom

"Just relaxing before the sales too

"Like a fever that you sleep through

"And it's ready now from Blaine

"Working, building

"Never stopping, never sleeping Working, making

"Some for selling, some for keeping

"Working, building Never stopping, never sleeping

"Working, making

"Some for selling Some for keeping"

I can't wait to see the second half.

Allan, his dramatic work, I mean, I knew he was funny and I knew he could...

move, dance, cause he's that way, but...

I think his dramatical work is so moving that...

I called Joyce and said, "Bring Joshy 'cause I must feed him half-time...

"...because I'm just busting."

This is good. They're dancing all over the place and the songs are very catchy.

Very catchy. I can't get a few of them out of my head.

Almost to an annoying point, but I think it's good when a song is catchy...

from the little experience I have in show business.

I knew that Corky could act, direct and produce.

But who knew that he was going to act and sing and dance.

He can do everything. Only one other person in the world can do that...

and that's Barbra Streisand.

He is...

I don't know...

an inspiration to this town, that's what he is.

I'm glad to see that Johnny Savage dropped out of the show because...

two years ago he came in the store and tried to steal my stamp machine...

and that kid is no good.

You can see from his parents. He wouldn't have added anything to the show.

Corky, on the other hand, look at him. Did you see...

God, I wish I was in this show!

I hear that French girls...

are very pretty.

That they wear the finest of clothes.

I also hear that they are experts in the ways of love.

Ima, I'm going to fight for my country.

To fight and, yes, perhaps die...

so that young men from here to Timbuktu...

can feel the wind of freedom blowing through their hair.

Oh, Monty, I didn't mean to doubt you.

It's just sometimes I feel as if I don't really know you.

I would still pay...

"A penny for your thoughts

"A dime for your dreams

"Would a shiny new quarter

"Buy a peek at your schemes

"And when you are away

"So far from my side

"I will cherish my penny's worth

"Till at last I'm your bride

"A penny for your thoughts

"Let's call it a deal

"I don't have any secrets

"You know how I feel"

That's it. Do it right there.

- Where? - You know where I like the curl.

- I must get myself ready. - There it is.

Nice. Now, a little fluff here and you can work on yourself.

"A penny for your thoughts

"It's settled and done

"I'd have offered a million

"I'd have done it for none

"I reckon we're in love

"And married we'll be

"And all for a penny

"A bright copper penny

"A penny

"That brought you

"To me"

You were so good. I told you you'd be able to memorize that.

You were right.

You lifted me up!

After our brave fighting boys returned from the war...

things got back to normal in Blaine...

until one summer night in 1946...

when unexpected visitors...

put us back on the map.

- Where are we? - How did we get here?

Is this a dream?

- Look! - What is it?

It looks like one of them new feed storage bins.

- That's no feed storage bin! - How did it get here?

It must've flew!

But it don't have any wings.

I guess it just dropped...

from somewhere up there.

Citizens of Blaine, do not be alarmed.

We will not harm you.

We come in peace from a planet far, far away.

A place we call Mars.

- I've heard of Mars. - Where's that?

Stand back and your queries will be answered.

Look out!

What do you want from us?

Good question, Earthling. It seemed like it was time for a change.

Time to take a trip...

to see the exciting places in the galaxy.

For, you see...

"Nothing ever happens on Mars

"No sports or entertainment No swinging bars

"You stand around You stand some more

"On the planet named For a Roman god of war

"Nothing ever happens

"On Mars

"No supersonic airplanes No sporty cars

"The sun comes up The sun goes down

"You can't go to the country You can't go to town

"Boring, boring

"Boring, boring

"Boring, boring, boring, boring"

The town of Blaine has packed a lot in the last 150 years.

We've had our ups and we've had our downs.

We've seen our past and we look forward to the future.

When the challenges come, we'll greet them the way Americans always do.

With grit, determination and pride.

Because that, my friends...

is America.

And nothing says America more to me...

than Blaine!

You're so brilliant.

Cliff, you're great. Everyone was so great.

- You did it! - Thank you!

I'll get Mr. Guffman, I'll be right backstage.

Hello. How are you?

It's nice to meet you.

How do you do?

- Way to sock it to 'em! - Thanks, Mr. Mayor.

They'll hear about this at the Mayor's conference.

I know we've a lot of work to do. The first act needs...

- It was magical. - Thank you very much, Steve.

The first act, it's up and down.

I know that. We just don't have the time to do everything.

I'll ask you point blank. Do we have a shot to go to Broadway?

Yes, I think so.

Mamma mia! That is such good news!

I can't tell you what news that is to me.

- Would you like to meet the cast? - I'd like that.

Great. Come on with me, you.

Everybody...

Our cast.

Oh, thank you. You're just great.

Please, introduce yourselves.

- Sheila Albertson. - You were great.

- I was? - Mrs. Ron Albertson. A joy to perform...

for someone who knows theater. - This came two hours ago.

Sorry, I'm just now getting it to you.

Clifford Wooley. How are you? Nice to meet you.

You make me laugh.

A delight to meet you, sir.

Well, I'm sure that Mr. Guffman would like to say a few words to us.

Speech, speech, speech!

I think there's a mistake. My name's Roy Loomis.

I'm down from Deming. My niece had her first baby.

It's a boy. That's what the balloon is for.

I want to tell you how...

absolutely wonderful you all were.

Thank you, I'll be seeing you. And bless you.

He's going to love this.

Oh, boy.

Take our make-up off.

"Snow storm in New York.

"All flights canceled.

"Mort Guffman."

I think the one really important thing that I learned...

from my whole experience in working with Corky...

is that I...

do indeed...

have talent.

And a couple of things actually.

B:

I have to...

entertain. I have to entertain.

And you have to go where...

you are needed. You have to go where the crowds are.

And you have to go where...

the love is. And the love for me...

right now, is in Miami.

Not Blaine.

"My bubi made a kishka She made it big and fat

"My zeida took one look at it

"And said 'I can't eat that' Oh, Mama, Mama, Mama

"Oh, Mama, me oh my"

We're in the land of dreams, and don't let anybody say dreams can't come true.

We're an hour from the snow, 20 minutes from the ocean.

Two hours from the Mexico.

- Five hours from Vegas. - We'll get there one of these days.

- Soon as we get a car. - Who wants to add to the pollution?

We're bi-coastal...

if you consider the Mississippi River one of the coasts.

Extras! Let's go, over here.

Time to get back to work. That's what they pay us for.

Can't they even call us by name?

Why can't they say, "Ron, Sheila, this way please."

Still the same paycheck. How're you? You're doing a great job, incidentally.

- Smile. - Are you going to smile?

I think we should have a line.

I gave him some suggestions...

- We should be line dancing. - That's a great idea.

Quiet, please.

- Put your finger here. You smiling? - Quiet, please.

I was on my way to New York, and then my dad got out of prison.

Which is good.

He should have been in there 10 years, but since he didn't kill anybody...

he just...

ruined some property...

they let him out after five.

So it's...

I'm here with my dad.

And...

I've thought of ice cream and what I can do with it.

Maybe come up with... We have a Blizzard and a Breeze...

and the Derbies are really old.

They've been doing Derbies, the chocolate dip, for...

I think, 20 years or something.

I really want to, sort of, make a healthy...

low-fat or non-fat...

healthy...

Blizzard.

The first thing I did...

when I moved back to New York City...

was to look up Mr. Guffman.

He was so sweet. I think he felt a little guilty too...

because he's offered me the chance to audition for his new Broadway show...

which is a revival of My Fair Lady.

It's one of my favorite shows of all time.

And the role is of Henry Higgins...

the somewhat stern taskmaster...

but "he-really-likes-her-anyway" kind of guy...

who teaches Liza how to speak correctly. She, of course, is of the...

Cockney persuasion and drops her "h's". I've been working on that at home...

the whole Cockney thing of "'Elo, 'ow are 'u?"

Do you want to go to 'artford?

Not live in this "'ell 'ole," that kind of thing.

I think I'm honing in on it pretty close now.

I suppose that the "cake and eat it too" part of this whole story is that...

another dream of mine has come true, which is that...

I’ve gotten to open this shop...

where I have all my show business treasures...

and all my memorabilia.

This is one of my favorite items.

My Dinner With André Action Figures.

What you can do, which is so cute, is...

you can re-enact the whole scene.

You know, where...

the two guys talk to each other and say, you know:

"Boy, I'm sure glad you found a good restaurant.

"It's so hard these days to get in. Who do you know?"

"I just called.

"Made a call.

"Spur of the moment."

"You can always get a reservation."

That's not from the movie, but you can make up your own dialogue.

It's one of the great things about action figures.

I'm trying to get, it's very rare...

the one, the action figures for Das Boot...

'cause I love to do that whole kind of claustrophobic thing inside the sub...

where they're, you know...

That whole German thing.

I can't speak German, but it sounds like, sort of a...

bunch of barnyard animals...

you know, making that noise and sweating.

Over here, these are my Big Heads...

I call them. Starting with Anthony Michael Hall.

One of the Brat Packers.

In fact, in the background there there's...

Andrew McCarthy.

Over here, some new lunchboxes...

we got in. The Remains of the Day lunchbox. And the kids...

have such a good time with these.

Kids don't like eating lunch at school, but with a Remains of the Day lunchbox...

they're happier.