Original subtitles

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

And here's Ricky.

Here they are, America's favorite family, the Nelsons.

And appearing with the Nelsons this evening

is their special guest, Wally Cox, as Professor Patterson.

Since the marginal utility or subjective value of an article

tends to decline as the supply of it increases,

it is evident that its exchange value

must tend to decline at the same time,

since consumers valuing it less will not buy

unless the price is lowered.

Mr. Plumstead?

Yes, sir?

Is there something I can do for you?

Uh, no, sir, I was just borrowing a pencil.

Oh, I finally said something you think is worth taking down?

Oh no, sir.

Oh, uh, well, that is, yes, sir.

But I had a pencil but I broke the point.

I see.

May I suggest that in the future you bring several pencils

in working order?

Yes, sir.

Well, it looks like we've just about had it for today.

Let's see what kind of fiendish tortures

I can whip up for you for Wednesday.

First of all, I'd like you to finish those charts

we discussed last week.

Then I'd like you to outline chapters 7, 8,

and 9 in Higgins, and 13 and 14 in Wetherby.

Oh, no.

Hold it.

You ain't heard nothin' yet.

I'd also like you to read the first two chapters

of Robertson's "Economics."

You'll find several copies in the library.

In case Mr. Plumstead and Mr. Nelson

don't know where the library is, I'll

be very happy to direct them.

Move along.

Thank you.

Boy, he sure piles on the homework.

Oh, you're not kidding.

He must think it's the only class we have.

Hey, fellas, there's a meeting at the fraternity

this afternoon. They want everybody there.

Another meeting?

What for?

Oh, we're going to try and figure out

how to pay our phone bill.

And the gas bill and the electric bill

and a few others we managed to accumulate.

So be there, huh?

Hey, what's all this?

Oh, hi, you guys.

Where are you going?

- Oh, moving out. - Oh, no kidding.

How come?

Well, you know the job that I've been trying

to get down at the hotel? - Yeah.

Well, it finally came through, and it includes room and board.

Hey, who's getting your old room?

Gee, I don't know. Nobody yet.

How about letting me have it?

- You've already got a room. - Not like his!

That's the best room in the house.

What do you say, Fred, ol' pal, ol' buddy?

- Gee, Wally, I don't know. - Here, I'll help carry that.

Well, that's all right. I can carry them.

Well, I was just trying to help.

There's still some stuff left up in the room.

Oh, we'll carry it out for you.

Come on, Rick. - Hey, wait a second.

- Well, come on. - What about the meeting?

It just started.

Well, the heck with the meeting.

This is important. I want that room.

You see? What'd I tell you.

Look at this place-- it's twice as big as the room I got.

Yeah, it's a pretty nice room.

Pretty nice?

Got an outside entrance, a private bath,

and it's only nine and 1/2 steps to the refrigerator.

I hope you get it.

Hey, here's an idea. There's plenty of room here.

Why don't you move in with me? - What for?

I got a real nice room at home. - Oh, come on, Rick.

We'd have a lot of fun.

At least try it for a couple of weeks.

You know, it might be fun at that.

Sure, it'd be great.

We could fix up the room together.

I'll donate all the stuff in my room

and you could bring a few of the things you have at home.

Let's see.

We can put your leather chair here

and your television set here and your record player here.

And there's plenty of room in the closet for your golf clubs.

Of course, I hate to move in and not hold up my end.

You see?

We're having fun already.

How about it?

OK, it's a deal.

I'll go home and get my things.

That's the spirit.

Well, I guess that takes care of just about everything.

Have you got enough socks here?

Yeah, I think so.

If I haven't, I can always borrow some.

That's the best part about living at the fraternity house.

Well, don't forget to come back and see us once

in a while.

Well, I'll only be living a half a mile away.

I know.

Besides, I have to come over here at least once

a week to drop off my laundry.

It figures.

Are you all set?

Yeah, I think so.

Oh, pardon me, I knew I'd forgotten something.

Do you need anything?

Oh, yeah, I'm glad you asked me, Pop.

They may want the rent in advance.

Could you lend me a few dollars?

Oh, sure.

After all, that's what fathers are for.

Uh, pardon me.

Harriet?

That's OK, dear, that's what wives are for.

Yes.

Oh, thanks, Pop.

Hey, you know something?

This closet's bigger than the whole room I moved out of.

It sure is a nice room.

Which bed do you want?

I don't care.

Well, better pick one of them.

Well, let's see.

I'll take that one.

Oh, no you don't.

- Hey, what's going on here? - We're moving in.

What do you mean, you're moving in?

Well, just what he said.

Fred turned a room over to us and we're moving in.

We've got as much right to it as anybody else.

We've been around here as long as you guys.

Well, that doesn't make any difference.

Nobody's moving in here.

At least nobody in the fraternity.

What are you talking about?

Look, why didn't you guys attend the meeting?

Well, what's that got to do with it?

We're in bad shape financially, so we took a vote

and decided to rent this room out to raise some extra money.

So come on, will you?

Let's get going.

Well, where are you going?

I'm going home to Mother, where do you think?

Well, they haven't rented the room yet.

We can stay here tonight.

What's so funny?

Who knows, maybe they never will rent it?

I have a plan.

Come on, you better get your bed fixed.

Oh.

And now, for illustration, let us

return to the case of the poor man with only one shirt.

Now, to him, that shirt must obviously

possess great utility.

Perhaps he has to remain in bed while his wife carefully

launders it.

Now, its utility and its marginal utility

are the same, since it constitutes his whole supply.

But suppose he gets a second shirt.

Then neither to him nor to his wife will

a single shirt seem so important.

The second shirt will be just as useful as the first shirt,

but he will not value it as highly

as he did the first shirt.

It should be noted that his former high regard

for the first shirt will have disappeared.

Don't you agree, Mr. Plumstead?

Hmm?

Oh, yes, I certainly do.

Agree as to what?

Oh, uh, well, that the shirt has disappeared?

Well, it has something to do with a disappearing shirt.

Not a very good guess.

Uh, well, I'll try to do better next time.

Let's hope so.

Meanwhile, back at the classroom,

suppose you all take a few minutes to write out

an illustration of marginal utility.

Hey, Rick, I was just thinking.

Supposing they run an ad in the school paper?

Shh.

Hey, I've got it.

Why don't we spread a rumor that two guys

were murdered in that room?

What?

What'd you say?

Shh.

Mr. Plumstead, are you hissing at me?

Oh, no, sir, I was just whispering.

Well, knock it off and get to work.

Yes, sir.

Don't forget your next assignment, ladies

and gentlemen.

Oh, say, fellas, could I speak with you for a moment?

Uh, yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

At ease, men.

Oh, yes, sir.

What can we do for you?

I'm a little concerned about my lecture today.

Well, I thought it was very clear.

Oh, me, too.

I thought it was pretty bad, myself.

Of course, economics is not the easiest subject in the world

to make interesting.

In fact, it can be pretty dull at times.

It sure can.

I mean, I know what you mean.

As you fellas know, this is my first year on the campus.

And I wanted to make the course as interesting as possible.

Oh, you certainly do.

I think it's very interesting.

Well, sometimes, perhaps, but it was pretty obvious

that today's lecture didn't make it.

In fact, it was a real bomb.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Well, I certainly didn't hold everybody's attention.

Well, I don't know about the others,

but for Mr. Nelson and myself, it wasn't the lecture,

it's just that we have things on our minds.

We're having a little financial problem down at the fraternity.

We need money.

Well, that's right down my alley.

What are you doing to alleviate the situation?

I beg your pardon?

What are you doing to try to raise the money?

Well, some of the fellows are thinking about renting out

one of the rooms.

Oh, is it a nice room?

Oh, sure.

Private bath and everything.

This may be a stroke of luck.

I've been looking for a place near the campus.

You have?

Yes.

Does it have an outside entrance?

Ooh, uh, yes, but I don't think you'd care for it.

Oh, I'm not hard to please.

In fact, I think I'd kind of like living over there.

Unless, of course, you have some objections.

Oh, no, no, of course not.

The only thing, though, I was just thinking,

maybe they've already rented the room.

Oh, yes, yes, there's a thought.

I'd better hurry over there before I lose it.

Thank you very much for the tip.

Oh, that's all right, Professor.

What happened?

We just rented the room, that's what happened.

Oh, he'll probably turn the fraternity into one

gigantic study hall.

Wait'll the rest of the guys hear about this!

Our lives won't be worth a nickel.

Yeah.

You know, you may be right about a couple of guys

getting murdered in that room.

It just hasn't happened yet.

- Well, good evening, gentlemen. - Good evening, Professor.

Let me help you with that. - Ooh--

Please now, fellas, I appreciate it,

but I don't want to take you away from your studies.

Oh, uh, thank you, Professor.

That's very thoughtful of you.

OK, fellas, let's get the game going.

Dobie, Professor Patterson's here.

Oh! Oh, good evening, Professor.

Welcome to our fraternity. - Thank you.

Your room is right down this way, Professor.

I'm sorry to have interrupted you.

Oh, that's quite all right, Professor.

Well, fellas, shall we get back to our studying?

What time is it, Rick?

Oh, about 9 o'clock.

That's enough for tonight.

Yeah, I guess I better get home.

I think I'll call up Ginger and see if she wants

to take me out for a hamburger. - Yeah, that sounds good.

I'll join you.

Anybody want to go bowling?

Yeah, I'll go with you.

Pardon me, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Oh no, come right in, Professor.

I just wondered if you happened

to have a copy of the fraternity bylaws.

Oh, there must be a copy around here somewhere.

I thought as long as I'm living here,

it's only fair that I observe the rules and regulations,

same as everybody else.

Has anybody seen a copy of the bylaws?

We have bylaws?

- Yes, we do. - Here's a copy.

Oh, thank you.

Say, this is a revelation.

I had no idea you men were so strict with yourselves.

We are?

"Study hours will be from 7:00 to 10:30

and will be strictly observed."

Very good.

Very good.

I'll return this before your study hour's over.

Uh, yes, sir.

Hey, turn it off, you guys!

Professor's on his way.

- Well, hi, Mrs. Nelson. - Oh hi, Wally.

Come on in. - Oh, thank you.

What are you doing, roaming around

at this hour of the night?

Oh, I just had to get away from the fraternity.

It's getting pretty spooky down there.

The professor's haunting us.

Well, why don't you spend the night here with Ricky?

- Oh no, I couldn't do that. - Why not?

Well, I wouldn't want to impose.

Oh, don't be silly.

Well, it would be nice. If you're sure it's all right.

Well, of course it is.

Rick's right upstairs in his room.

Oh, thank you. Excuse me a minute.

Luckily, I happened to have

my sleeping bag with me.

Hey, look who's here!

Hi, Wally!

- What took you so long? - What are you guys doing here?

Same thing you are, except we thought of it sooner.

Here, let me have that.

There's a spot over here in the corner.

The bathtub's still available.

Oh, now, fellas, this isn't getting us anywhere.

Let's face it, there's only one way

to end this miserable existence--

we got to find some way to get the professor out

of the fraternity house.

We all know that.

Do you have any suggestions?

Well, as a matter of fact, I do

have a master plan of strategy.

It's called Operation Sabotage, or "let's make

the old prof miserable."

All in favor, say aye.

Aye!

Anything wrong, Professor?

Are you having any trouble with the lights in this room?

No, sir.

That's funny.

The lights in my room keep going on and off.

Don't tell me that started again.

What's that?

Well, you know the wiring in this house is pretty old

and that room's been giving us trouble lately.

Well, let's not start having those fire drills again.

I don't think that's necessary.

The rest of the house is OK.

Our trouble's in the professor's room.

- Do you think it's dangerous? - I don't think so.

I'm pretty familiar with the wiring.

Let's see if we can find the trouble.

- Oh, I'd appreciate it. - Yes, sir.

Uh, Professor?

Yes?

Why don't you keep this in your room just in case?

Thank you.

- Did it work? - Perfect.

You should've seen his face. - He really looked worried.

- Great! - You think that'll do it?

Are you kidding? We've just started.

OK, what do we do next?

My next operation is called "torture by Glee Club."

Come on.

Down by the old mill stream,

where I first met you, with your eyes so blue,

dressed in gingham, too.

It was there I knew that you loved me true.

You were 16.

You were 16.

My village queen.

My village queen.

Down by the old mill stream.

The old mill stream.

Very good, fellas.

Let's take it up a half a tone, Rick.

What's going on?

Oh, we were just having Glee Club practice, Professor.

Oh, I hope we're not bothering you.

Well, as a matter of fact, I was correcting some papers.

Well, gee, that's the only place we can practice.

There are a lot of fellas studying

in the other part of the house. - Oh, I see.

You wouldn't want us to interrupt them, would you?

Oh no, no, of course not.

I can do my work in the morning, I guess.

Oh, boys, would you mind working on a different song?

The one you were just singing has always

been one of my favorites.

Uh, certainly.

Let's try "Let Me Call You Sweetheart."

Let me call you sweetheart.

I'm in love with you.

He's just getting in the shower.

OK, let's give him the old ice water.

You really think we should?

Remember what he said about our singing.

Besides, cold showers are good for you.

We'll have to chip the icicles off of him after

this.

We might as well admit it, fellas.

We're faced with an extremely delicate situation.

We all realize that we made a mistake by renting out the room

to a member of the faculty.

Especially to Professor Patterson.

We needed the money.

Well, maybe so, but we don't now.

We've collected most of the outstanding dues,

and it looks like the party Saturday night's

going to be a big success.

So we're in pretty good financial shape again.

Now all we have to do is get Professor Nuisance out of here.

Well, I've done all I can.

Yeah, we've thrown the book at him

and he just won't take the hint.

If he'd only act like a human being.

Well, I think he tries.

He was just born square.

We know all that.

The point is, how do we get him out of here?

Would somebody get that, please?

Well, does anybody have any suggestions?

Oh, come on in, Professor.

It's Professor Patterson.

We're having a meeting, as you can see.

That's why the doors were locked.

Yes, I know.

I hate to interrupt your meeting, fellows,

but this is the only chance I have

to talk to you all together.

Could I say a few words?

I'll try to make it brief.

Oh, of course, Professor.

Go right ahead.

Well, first of all, I want you to know

how grateful I am to you all.

It's not easy to have a stranger come into your midst,

especially a member of the faculty whose

chief claim to fame is passing out the toughest assignments.

So when I first moved in, I must admit

I had some misgivings as to whether it

was going to work out.

You fellas have been so wonderful.

To be honest with you, I've always

been sort of a fifth wheel, a misfit.

But when you started playing those little jokes on me--

that business with the lights, the ice cold showers, the Glee

Club--

I knew that you'd really accepted me as one of you.

And I can't tell you how happy you've made me.

You're a fine bunch of young men.

And that's why it's so difficult for me to tell you

that I'm going to have to move out tomorrow.

Well-- may we ask why, Professor?

Well, for a couple of reasons.

First of all, I find that as a member of the faculty,

I'm losing my objectivity.

I'm getting soft.

I've gotten to like you guys so much that it's

getting to be more and more difficult to hand out

those long assignments.

I even find myself feeling sorry for Rick and Wally

when they come to class unprepared.

Of course, that's only part of it.

The main reason is my wife has arrived in town

and we're going to move into a little house

over on Faculty Row.

That's about it.

Thanks again, fellas, for letting

me be part of this happy family for the past few weeks.

Professor Patterson, there are a lot

of things that I could say at this time

and, well, I just hope I say the right thing.

I know I speak for every one of us

when I say that you've taught us more than you'll ever realize.

We're all deeply grateful, and we'll never forget you.

For he's a jolly good fellow,

for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow,

which nobody can deny!

Thank you.

Would you like to meet Mrs. Patterson?

She's right outside.

Sure!

Jane?

Wow.

Mary Jane, I want you to meet the greatest

bunch of guys in the world.

Fellas, this is my wife.

Thank you, boys.

And thanks for being so nice to my husband.

And please feel free to come over and see us

any time at all.

You're always welcome.

Oh, one more thing, fellas.

I understand you're having a dance Saturday night.

May we be the chaperones?

Sure.

And please, fellas, let me dance with my wife

at least once during the evening.