All language subtitles for The.A.Word.S03E06.720p.iP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-GBone_track3_[eng]

He's anxious already.
If you go in, he'll feel pressured.

And then it'll be a crisis.
And this isn't a crisis?

Maybe Alison's right.
Ben, it's all right.

Just trying to help.
And on your side, by the way.

Is it OK with you if me
and a new friend live here?

That's OK with me.

Can we all raise a glass
to Ralph and Katie?

ALL: To Ralph and Katie!

This is for the weekend.
I've just booked it. Thank you!

Are you coming to bed?
Yeah, I'll be up in a minute.

Yeah. Sure.

In a minute. Ben?

# I said, Who's that girl there?

# I wonder what went wrong
So that she had to roam the streets

# She don't do major credit cards
I doubt she does receipts

# It's all not quite legitimate

# And what a scummy man

# Just give him half a chance
I bet he'll rob you if he can

# Can see it in his eyes, yeah,
that he's got a driving ban

# Amongst some other offences

# And I've seen him
with girls of the night

# And he told Roxanne
to put on her red light

# They're all infected
But he'll be all right

# Cos he's a scumbag,
don't you know?

# I said he's a scumbag,
don't you know... #

You still feeling all right?
Not too jiggered yet?

I'm fine, Grandad. And for
the record, I would crawl home

on my hands and knees before I got
in that thing. Right you are.

# Although you're trying
not to listen... #

Right. It won't be me picking you up
after school.

Remember? You go to
your dad's tonight.

It's not going to be you.
That's right.

Handshake or hug?

Oh! This is a surprise. Oh, yeah.

Good morning, Joe.

We've got your special guest
coming in today, haven't we?

Yes, thank you.

I thought you weren't due
till tomorrow.

I finished the job early.

As much as I enjoy
the cultural offerings of Derby,

I just thought it... Oh, I'm
so sorry. Just give me one sec.

Clare! You got a minute?

Your grandma was very tetchy
at this stage as well.

I'm not tetchy. I just don't want
a ride in a wheelbarrow.

You might have no choice
in the matter.

Your grandma fainted a lot
in her final trimester -

especially with Eddie.

Of course she did.

I'm not kidding you.

I pushed both of ours around
in one of these.

That explains so much.

Blokes didn't push prams round here
in the '80s

and my two were monsters.

You can't say that
about your own babies.

I think you'll find you're
the only one who CAN say that

about your own babies.

Ah, it'll be lovely to have a baby
to push around in this barrow again.

Well, there's a sentence
to melt the heart.

Shit!

I've got to go.

I'm sorry! I've got to go.

Kitchen stuff is in the box
marked "Kitchen stuff"

apart from that new set of pans
I bought you.

Pillows don't need to go in boxes,
they only take up room.

Unbelievable!
What time do you call this?

We told Katie we'd be there
at 10.30!

I'm here now, aren't I?

Why is there a wheelbarrow outside?
Where's the van?

What van? I thought
we'd do it in the barrow.

He's not got a lot of stuff.

You can't be serious!

It'll be a couple of trips
or something.

HORN HONKS
Oh, that'll be Paul - with the van.

You bastard!
HE LAUGHS

Now, will you calm down?

I was calm till you got here!

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Morning, guys.

Morning, Ralph.

Big day. Big day!
PAUL LAUGHS

Right, I'll come up there and you
can show me what to load up first.

I hope you've soft-wrapped
your breakables

if that doesn't sound too dodgy.

Everything's under control.

I know it's a big day for you -
huge, probably the biggest day

of your life since you actually
had Ralph. Bigger.

I'm just trying to help you stay
calm and keep it in perspective.

Thanks.

Bloody hell, Ralph.
How many seasons do you go back...?

Here you go.
I'll roll that up for you.

I've packed your DVDs in
with your CDs downstairs.

Thanks.

And your books too.

I hope you're going to have enough
storage space in your bedroom,

once Katie's things
are in there too.

Leave Cantona up.

No problem, boss.

I'll do these downstairs.
Get out your way.

Is that the one the tunnel's behind?
HE CHUCKLES

No?

You OK?

His United posters - I'm not sure
where he's going to put them.

Oh, tell me he's left us
Eric Cantona?

Yeah. That's the one
he's hiding the tunnel behind.

Shawshank Redemption?

Anyone?

Sorry!

Sorry. It's the Summer Fair Raffle
Prizes. It's the bane of my life.

Thanks for waiting.

Aren't you going to be late
for work?

I'm not going to work today.

I'm giving myself the day off.

We need to find somewhere quiet
and talk.

I mean, I... I need to talk
and it can't wait.

Van's loaded.

Your mum's saying that
we better get going.

We're not taking all this lot,
are we?

We're going to need more
bubble wrap if we are.

No. Just checking it's OK.

Yeah, it's a great set up
you've got here.

Great place to escape.

Not that married life's going to
turn you to drink or anything.

No. It's good marriage.

Yeah, yeah, it is.

It can be.

Listen, if you need anything,
any help - you and Katie -

any advice, you can always
come to me.

You're part of the family.

You're divorced.

Yeah, no, yeah.

And Eddie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no... He's...
He's divorced too.

And so is my mum.

True. True.

On the plus side, it's a testament
to your optimism

that you got married with absolutely
no positive role models

in your life, whatsoever.

I just need you to drive the van.

Understood.

OK, I think that's about right.

Do you want to sit with
your visitor, at the front,

or with the rest of the class
like this?

Let me see now.

Transmission. Let's think about
the chair.

Here...

..or there?

OK. That's good.

Then she won't be nervous because
she'll know that you are with her.

Exactly.

And you won't be nervous, will you?

I won't be nervous.

Who's your visitor, Joe?
Is it Aslan?

Joy Division. 1979.

Oh, hello!

I just wanted to hear it again.

I've never had my own
front door before!

I'm your first visitor?
Yes! Come on in.

So I'm not your first visitor?

I'm not even your first
pregnant visitor.

Jean doesn't count.
She's my social worker.

Oh, wow! Fantastic!

Thank you!

First year of university,
I lived off toasties.

There's no food on Earth
that can't be made better

by putting it in toast.

I'd hug you but you're massive.

LAUGHS: Don't even try.

So are you ready for married life?

Am I, Jean?
You are now you've got that.

You and Ralph are, like...

Well, you're what I want.

Not with your baby's dad?

No.

Where is he? Australia.

Did you send him there? No.
He's there as part of his course.

He'll be involved in the baby's
life. He just won't be my partner.

He won't be my "Ralph".

Books in here?

Right, get some pictures
on this wall

and then I'll talk you and Ralph
through the fuse box!

This is bedding, Katie, so you might
want to take it upstairs yourself.

I'll do that.
LOUISE CLEARS THROAT

Then again,
good idea for you to do it, Katie.

Here's to interfering families.

I'll see you later.

I love your new place.

Bye, Ralph!

Right, I'll get the kettle on.

I'll do it. I'll help.

JEAN: Bye, Rebecca!
Bye, Jean!

Then the lads can have a go
at tuning the telly, eh, Ralph?

RALPH: If you like.

All important things need
a safe place.

Utility bills,
list of phone numbers,

and, most important of all, keys.

Katie and me have labelled them up.

Best test them
to make sure they work.

I'll take these upstairs.

There you are, my darling.

One each.

Thank you, my darling.

Romance is one thing,

but making sure the keys
open the doors is another.

We will test them.

When you've gone.

Of course.

Of course. Maurice!

I've got the pictures to hang yet.

I think Ralph and Katie have got
a million things to do

and we're getting in the way.

Oh, right! Yes. I see.

These are emergency keys,
for emergencies.

Understood. Good luck.

Good luck, love.

Big day. Big day!

Remember, Ralph -
play the game, not the occasion.

Matt Busby said that.

You, young man, have done it.

Like you said you would -

lovely missus, your own place,

independent.

This is the proudest day of my life.

And it should be yours too.

And... Come on, Maurice.

Can we please leave
this lovely couple to it?

We'll be invited for tea
soon enough.

Well, we could arrange it now.
No, we couldn't. No.

What's this about?
Have you taken another job away?

No. No, it's a good job.

I just thought I'd rather be here,
seeing you, and, erm,

I thought it might have been nice
if you had said, "Don't go."

I wouldn't ask you not to take a job
for my sake...

Well, maybe if you had at least
said, "Do you have to go?"

I actually thought
after the weekend away

that you might be glad to see
the back of me for a while.

That's not how couples work, is it?

In my experience,
it kind of is, yeah.

So you think that we are
a couple, then?

What is this?

While I was away,
I was thinking about how we get on.

I reckon the truth is the thing
that you like most about me is...

Is how I get on with Joe
and how he gets on with me.

Is that a bad thing?

Yes, because every time I see you,
my heart beats faster.

Is that love, do you think,
or cholesterol?

Maybe I need to just feel that
there's something more.

We're OK, aren't we?

No, I-I don't think we are.

We need to sort it.

Or else...

..we should end it.

Yeah.

If that's how you feel,
we should end it.

I'll put the kettle on.

SHE SOBS

Maurice?

Which one of these two
do you think's at the bottom?

I think it might be...
KNOCKING ON DOOR

Oh! I think your visitor
has arrived, Joe.

Do you want to let her in, Joe?

You came.

I said I would, didn't I?

Hey, Rebecca. Come in. We're
just about to start circle time.

Let's start tidying
all these things up...

To be honest, I thought you'd have
put up more of a fight. Otherwise...

..I wouldn't have ordered.

I was kind of hoping you would be
more long-term in your thinking,

what with being a gardener.

Nothing grows overnight.

Except cress. Cress grows overnight.

But we've only known each other
a few months.

I've just come out of
a 20-year marriage.

You've been divorced
for eight years.

You know, you're ready for something
more involved, more complicated...

Yes, if you like, complicated,
overwhelming, life-changing even.

I want you to want me
like I want you.

And...you don't.

That's not true.

And I don't think you ever will.

I had a child at 18
and then another child.

They needed me, so what I wanted
for me,

that's never really been a question.

Maybe I just need a bit more
time for that to be a question?

PHONE VIBRATES ON TABLE

I'm not looking at it.

I know. But you want to.

And that's fine.

Look, I'm always going to be Joe's
mum over and above anything else

in my life... I know. And I'm always
going to be Molly's dad.

Yeah, but it's different.
It's... It's different for me.

I'm always going to be Joe's mum

so I'm always going to be
checking my phone, I'm sorry.

Don't be.

I really like you.
I just wish I was further on.

It's been two years
since I split up with Paul.

I've only just started
feeling anything other than,

"Can I get through this day?"

I'm not ready to feel those things
yet, not for anyone.

And I wish I was cos you're lovely.

Not lovely enough...
No! You are lovely.

It's bad timing.

If I'd met you when I was just...
Things were a bit more sorted.

Look, right now,
maybe we could just be mates? Maybe?

Yeah, course.

Cos Joe's got used to you,
he really likes you...

We could still be mates.

And I can still see Joe.

Yeah.

Handshake or hug?

HE MOUTHS

Hiya! You kept ringing. You in town?
So am I.

Have you eaten?

I'm moving in with Louise!

Right.

I always wondered where you kept
the treasure, Maurice.

She's going to be lonely
now Ralph has gone.

She needs me there. Makes sense.

She doesn't know you're moving in,
does she?

I realise it's what you need.

And I looked at Ralph and Katie
and I thought, "You know what?

"That looks all right."

You're moving in? I mean,
I spend most of my time here anyway.

I just think I should
make it official.

You're moving in. Nothing'll change.
Not really.

No, I don't suppose it will.

Darling, I'm home!

You're not going to be doing that,
are you?

No, no! Of course not,
of course not.

I'll just find somewhere good
for this?

KNOCK ON DOOR
Coo-ee!

Door was open - house-warming cake.

Ah! Thanks, Sarah. That's nice.

It's the sort of thing
that friends do for each other.

It is indeed.

Although not all friends
are as good as you.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Are you OK?

I'll, erm, just...

I'll just leave this here, shall I?

And leave you and Mark to get on.

Oh, no, no! Grab a paintbrush.

There's plenty more touching up
to be done upstairs...

I can't. ..so to speak.
Oh? OK. Sorry.

I've got a slow cooker at home.

Good.

Good for you.

And I-I find when I'm using it,
things taste so much better.

Yes. Good. Yeah.

So, I was thinking that if...

If you and me were the ingredients
that then, we would...

Taste so much better?

I was just thinking that we
should... We should take it slowly -

this...thing, this situation.

We've had two kisses in two months.

I've heard of pandas
hooking up quicker.

It went a little bit further
than that at the wedding,

for me at least.

I just think we need to
slow it down, take stock.

Add stock, if you're going with
the whole slow cooker...thing.

Be friends, for a while.

Not lovers. Which we aren't?

No.

Are you saying that we should
take it slowly or...

..not take it anywhere?

I'm sorry if I led you on.

You've hardly led me on.

Enjoy the cake.

Erm, it's got an experimental, er,
flour substitute in it,

so I'd, erm... I'd welcome feedback.

Tastes all right for sad cake,
doesn't it?

It's nice to have friends.

The occupational therapist
used to say that a lot at my school.

I'm not sure if Sarah's
a friend or...

..something more.

There are friends
who are close friends

and...sometimes one special friend,

boyfriend or a girlfriend.

I'm aware of the ground rules, Mark.

Did she hug you goodbye like a
friend, or kiss you on the lips,

or touch you intimately
like a special friend?

It was just a hug.

Wasn't even a great hug
if I'm being honest.

PAUL SIGHS

Change can be good.

The occupational therapist
said that too.

Did you ever believe it?

I believed it about trainers.

Not so much haircuts.

What about me and Joe
moving in here?

Good change.

Rebecca having a baby?

Good change.

Me promoting you?

Yes.

I'm promoting you, Mark.

At The Fellside. Head Waiter, hey?

It'll mean a pay rise.

Bit more responsibility.

You might have to help
some new staff settle in.

But I'll be there,
to keep an eye on you.

I think you're ready.

Do you fancy it?

I'll get a girlfriend.

Well, I can't help you with
that bit... What will it say?

What? What will what say?

My name badge. Oh!

Your name badge.
It'll say... "Mark, Head Waiter"?

Yes. Yeah?

I'll do it. Yay!

After we've cleared the kitchen.

One job at a time, Paul.

Quite right.
Don't want to get overexcited. No.

We wouldn't want that.

This is nice, eh?

I should probably get me own mug.

If you like.

Maybe something to go
with your shoe box?

So, everybody, today is Joe's turn
for Show and Tell.

And he hasn't brought in a pet,
oh, no.

What is it? He hasn't brought in
a drawing.

What is it? But he has brought in
someone very special to him.

This is Joe's sister, Rebecca.

CLASS: Hi, Rebecca!

Yes. And can you tell us
why it's so special

that Rebecca is here with us?

The friend.

The friend? What?

Joe's friend is what Joe and I
call the baby I'm having.

So, Rebecca has got a baby
inside her!

Is that Rebecca baby?

Rebecca's baby is in the tummy.

Yeah, and she's very kindly agreed
to come in today

to talk to us about that.

In private. Er, that...
That's right.

So, Rebecca will have the baby
in private

and then she will show the baby
to everybody.

And maybe she'll bring in the baby
to meet us.

Wouldn't that be great?

I don't think that would be
a good idea.

Why not, Joe? Why not, Joe?

The baby might break stuff.

I agree with that!

Oh, OK, well...

Before we start,
I-I might need to...

Yes, of course.

We can start with
the joys of bladder control!

SHE GROANS

Daytime drinking?

A sight to bring a tear to
any brewery executive's eye.

It's a lime and soda.

Is that what you're calling yourself
now, a brewery executive?

Amongst other things.

How come you're up here?

Don't tell Dad,
but we're buying up another brewery.

I really have gone to the dark side.

More to the point,
what are you doing here?

Yeah, it's just a little place
I come to get chucked.

Can you recognise him from that?
Yeah, that is Joe!

That is a picture of Joe.

I can see it.

Mm-hm. When he was a baby.

And that is Joe now.

And who do we think...? That's...

Who do you think it is?

It's Heather!

That's right, Tanya.
It's Heather, yeah. Yeah, it's me.

It's a picture of me...
You're sitting on the sofa.

I'm sitting on the sofa, aren't I?
A long, long time ago,

when I was a...
You've got a dress and socks.

Yeah, yeah. I've got socks on
as well, yeah.

Ah, thank you! That's lovely.

Oh, thank you, Tanya!
That's really lovely.

See, that's the way that the world
sees you when they look at you now -

they're just not as honest
as our kids.

You will bring
the baby in to see us, won't you?

INDISTINCT

So, everybody, Rebecca is going to
have to go quite soon,

so if you all want to come back
and join the circle.

And then any questions that you want
to ask, now is probably the time.

That's it, good lad.

Thank you, Joe.

He was good-looking, he was kind.

He was great with Joe.

Even Dad liked him.

Have you got his number?

I'm just not ready. I-I...

..wish I was.

This is where you tell me
that I've done the right thing.

You have done the right thing.

Have I?

SIGHS: What would a grown-up do
in these circumstances?

What are you asking me for?
You've been a grown-up

since you were nine years old.
You're the best grown-up I know.

Since Mum died, you're the only
grown-up I know.

She would have known what to do.

Maybe, Dad would know...
Dad? ..what to do!

THEY LAUGH

Yeah.

Dad would think he knew,
Mum would know.

That was the difference.

She'd have just said, "Be honest.
With him, with yourself."

She didn't believe in secrets.

Oh, I don't know about that.

What? You knew about
the salsa lessons, right?

Mum had salsa lessons?

Yes! Yes.

Did Dad know?

I don't think he did. I think
that might have been the point -

a little part of the world
that was just for her.

Well, I can believe living with Dad
for all those years

would drive a woman to do that.
SHE LAUGHS

Ben's right about your phone.
You do check it a lot.

It is annoying.

They don't pull their punches,
do they?

That Q&A was far more graphic
than I thought it was going to be.

We do like our kids
to use the proper terms -

no "foo foo" or "diggle" here.
THEY LAUGH

It weren't too traumatic,
though, were it?

I mean, that was the liveliest
Show and Tell

since the Reptile Man came in.
Er... I won't ask.

Erm... Oh, just wait there.
We've got something for you!

Ah, you really shouldn't have!
It's just a small thank you.

Well, we usually do a bottle of
wine, but that might be more useful.

Thank you. And thank you
for being Joe's teacher.

Oh, well, we do our best, you know.

Bye, Joe.

Bye now.

Who do you think this is for?

Not me. Not you.

My friend.

That's right! It's from the kids
in your class.

I liked the kids in your class, Joe.

Do you need your headphones, Joe?

Don't worry. It won't be
a long conversation.

It was nice for me to see you there.

Because now, when I think about you
at school,

I can picture you in my head.

Is it a good picture
or a bad picture?

It's a very good picture,
cos you seem happy there.

And you do stuff that's good.

And that's a good feeling.

I think the car wants
to go home now.

I think he probably does, yeah.

I've, er, got a pupil in 20 minutes,

so you're going to have to make
yourself scarce. No problem!

I could go earlier if you like?

Any time you want me
out of the house, just say the word.

No problemo.

Why are you talking like that?

Like what?

I dunno.
It doesn't sound like you.

Right.

I'll go and give the lads
a hand at the fire station.

DRILL WHIRS

All right, Ralph?

I thought now would be a good time
to hang a few pictures.

We've done it.

How do you mean?

Katie's dad's done these.

Oh, right.

All of them? Yeah.

Do you want a cup of tea, Maurice?

Er... No, actually.
I've got to get round to Paul's.

I've got a bit to do there,

and then your mum'll be
wondering where I am.

Will she?

Hmm. Good job, that.

Your dad's done
a good job there, Katie.

I thought you had a pupil. I thought
you were at the fire station.

They don't need anything. Right.

RALPH: No!

You're right.
They don't need anything.

Do we want any shopping,
or shall we go straight home?

Better get used to saying that, eh?

MUSIC: What Is the World Waiting For
by The Stone Roses

# Any time you want it
then it's there

# All you gotta do is
stop it on the corner and ask

# Say, hey, you don't live today

# Stop the world

# Stop the world,
I'm getting off... #

MUSIC CUTS OUT
Oh!

# I'm getting off! #
My phone's dead.

Do you know what, Joe?
We can't do this without music.

SHE SIGHS

I can't plug it in. Sorry.

Ow!

That was a bit sharp.

I shouldn't have had
that fourth biscuit.

Ow!

ENGINE STARTS

Ow!

SHE GROANS

Ow!

Sorry, Joe. Sorry.

I didn't mean to scare you.
It just... It really hurts.

It really hurts.

OK.

It's OK.

SHE GROANS

You are free to come and go
as you please, Maurice.

I fit the electronic tag tomorrow.

What? You.

Staring out the window.

If you were a dog, you'd have
your lead in your mouth.

I might go a quick walk round
the block as it happens.

If you don't mind?

Of course I don't mind! You don't
have to ask me for permission!

When did you ever ask me
for permission? Righty oh.

Do you think I'll need a coat?

OK. Enough is enough!
I-I can't stand this, Maurice.

I can't do this any more!

How do you mean? This arrangement!
It's not working out, is it?

It's just not us! You must see that!

It's only been three hours, Louise.

Is that all?!

I-I think we both know this isn't
working out, don't we?

REBECCA: OK, what I'm going to try
and do, Joe, is drive.

The pains have gone away for now,
so if they start again,

I'll stop, all right?

Right, OK.

SHE GROANS

OK, we're going to have
to stay very calm.

But I think the baby's coming, OK?
Do you understand?

The friend?

Yeah. The friend.
The friend's coming.

What should we do?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Are you hungry?

Not right now, no.

SHE GROANS

Something happens.

You can say that again!

SHE MOANS

Ow! OK, Joe, Joe.

Just... Just hold my hand, OK?

MUSIC: That's Entertainment
by The Jam

Joe? Joe!

Joe!

SHE GROANS
Joe!

SHE GROANS

Joe!

Ah! Joe!

# A baby wailing
and stray dog howling

# The screech of brakes
and lamp light blinking

# That's entertainment
That's entertainment

# A smash of glass
and the rumble of boots

# An electric train
and a ripped-up phone booth

# Paint-splattered walls
and the cry of a tomcat... #

REBECCA: OK. OK.

SHE GROANS

Don't let this happen.

Don't let this happen. Hold on.

SHE GROANS

Agh!

# Waking up at 6am
on a cool warm morning

# Opening the windows
and breathing in petrol

# An amateur band rehearsing
in a nearby yard

# Watching the telly
and thinking about your holidays

# That's entertainment... #

MUSIC ECHOES FROM HEADPHONES

Hiya, love. What are you doing out
here?

Are you on your own?

Are you on your own?

Is your mum around, love?

It's called Manchester.

Or your dad? What about your dad?

The new friend is coming.

So you're with a friend?
My sister.

Rebecca. But it's private.

I don't want to see her vagina.

MUSIC: Common People
by Pulp

# Sing along with the common people

# Sing along and it might just
get you through

# Laugh along with the common people

# Laugh along even though
they're laughing at you

# And the stupid things that you do

# Because you think that
poor is cool... #

Ben didn't order a dessert
by any chance?

CELLPHONE VIBRATES

Hello?

Yes.

Yes.

Where?

Thank you. I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.

That was a woman called Sue.

Rebecca has gone into labour
in the car.

What car? How is that important?!

I don't know! I'm in shock!
I don't know why I said it.

Think about this.

Why did you move in?

Because I thought
the time was right.

What you and me have got? It works.
We don't have to change it.

But Ralph's moved out. I hate
the thought of you being lonely.

You moved in here
when you'd rather be at home

cos you think I'm lonely?

Yeah. And I love you for that.

Oh, right. I thought
that kind of thing annoyed you.

I love you because you annoy me!
Hell, Maurice, some days,

the irritation is the only bit of
love I have left for you!

So you want me to annoy you?

Hang on a minute.

What did you just say then?

I said I love you, Maurice.

And you don't have to try
to annoy me, believe me.

You are infuriating.

Ah! Louise chucked you out already?

Yes! Because she loves me!

CELLPHONE VIBRATES

Hello?

Whoa, whoa! Calm down!

What?

What?!

Excuse me!

Hello!

Someone should go
and see what the problem is.

She's in labour. She's fine.

Alison will come and get us
when they've any news.

She's early. You forget
I'm emergency-trained.

As a firefighter.

So unless the maternity unit's on
fire or there's a baby up a tree,

sit down, eh?

He's back - the hero of the hour.

Thanks, Dad! I meant Joe.
I know.

You did get your dad decaf,
didn't you?

Take them off, I'll give you this.

What are you doing, Maurice?

Are you going to tell us
how you knew what to do?

The seat was wet, in the car.

Serves you right, Dad.

So that's how you knew?

Then, "Ow! Ow! Ow!"

Clever.

It's going to be a hell of a valet
job on your upholstery, Tom.

Have you thought about that?

Not till you mentioned it.

Rest assured I'll think of
little else now.

Someone must know what's going on.

Shall we call security?

Do they still have
a shoot to kill policy?

REBECCA MOANS
Well done, love!

You're a brilliant girl.
You can do this!

Not long now. Talk to me, Mum.

Did you hear that? Not long now.

Not birth talk. Something else.
Anything else.

Ben finished with me today.
That's good. Yeah!

That's good. I mean,
it's not good for you, but...

He said that I made his heart beat
faster every time that he saw me.

Like romantically
or from a medical condition?

That's exactly what I said.

Did he laugh? No. No, he asked if
it was the same for me.

REBECCA GROANS

Good girl! You're doing really well,
you're doing really well.

And was it the same for you? No.

Did you tell him that?

Oh, it was worse than that.
I used a gardening metaphor.

THEY LAUGH

She's playing a blinder
by all accounts.

She's on the gas and air
and she's eight centimetres dilated.

"Fine" would have sufficed, Dad,
but thanks.

I've missed you putting me right
every five minutes. I know.

Got a lot of catching up to do.

You should take me up to the brewery
while you're here,

talk me through the changes.
Impress me.

That'd be a first. I mean it!

I'm interested. I've mellowed.

The baby's deadbeat father's
not going to make

a last-minute appearance, is he?

"Mellowed". I doubt it.
He's in Australia.

Only Australia? No further?

He knows she's in labour.

I'm going to message him
with any news. Oh, very hands-on!

It's not like you think, Maurice.
I know, I know. It's modern.

It's not like it was in your day.

A bloke gets a girl pregnant
and disappears?

It's exactly like it was in my day -

except they only used to get
as far as Carlisle.

The choice might be the same,
but the reasons are different.

We're going to have to
agree to differ.

I'm a feminist.

And it was when my dad said that
that I realised I was dreaming.

THEY LAUGH

OK, so, he said that I only had
light in my eyes

when I saw him with Joe.

GROANS: He was really nice,
though, Mum.

OK, Rebecca, don't push.
Don't push. Not yet.

OK, so I told him...

I told him that you and Joe were
the most important things in my life

and that trusting him with Joe
was the highest compliment

that I could pay.

It's a mistake! It's a mistake.

No, it's not, love.
We all feel like that at this stage.

No. I mean, ending with Ben.

He was nice. It's a...
It's a mistake.

Not yet, Rebecca.

Don't push. Don't push. Don't push!
Nearly there. Nearly there.

MUSIC FROM HEADPHONES: Girls on Film
by Duran Duran

She should be fully dilated by now
if she's anything like her grandma.

My Sandra had a miraculous
undercarriage, looking back.

Dad, please! That's my mother
you're talking about.

You were an easy birth.
Second births often are because...

I think we're probably pretty up
on the reasons why, Dad.

And straight on the breast.

I don't think I'm the first baby
in the world to do that.

I'm just saying,
you were very easy as a baby.

No bother.

Thanks.

As long as you were full.

Here it comes. And you took
some filling to be fair.

THEY LAUGH

And there it is - the insult.

Well, like you say, we've got
a lot of catching up to do.

Never change, Dad.

Piss off!

Anything? Anything?

She's had a little girl!

Oh, it's a girl! It's a girl!
They're both fine.

Oh, lovely! Lovely!

THEY LAUGH

Maurice!

She's got a little girl of her own.

Your friend has been born.

Rebecca's had a baby girl.

It's good.

I don't think we can all go
and see her at once.

I think Joe should see her first,
don't you?

Coming?

Paul, if she's got my ears,
don't say anything.

Come on then.

BABY MOANS

KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS

THEY LAUGH

Go on, Joe. Go and say hello.

Hello.

This is Joe.

He's my brother.

And he's the best brother
anybody could have.

He's your first friend.

He sees things other people
can't see.

And he says things
other people can't say.

He's got a superpower.

And he knows a lot of songs.

And he's good at walking.

And if he wasn't good at walking,
you might not even be here now.

I think you'll like him.

I know you'll like him.

I'm Joe.

DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

Come on, Maurice Scott.
Get a grip!

It's not like you haven't seen
a bloody baby before.

DOOR SHUTS

Are you OK?

Yes. I'm...never better.

It's a girl. She's had a girl.

I know. I got your message.
That's why I'm here.

And she's beautiful!
She's beautiful.

I went back again to see
Ralph and Katie.

I knew you would.
They let me in this time.

But they made me take my shoes off
at the door.

How were they? Like any other
married couple -

except they're happy all the time.
HE LAUGHS

She's lovely. She is, isn't she?

You know you can always call me,
don't you?

Feeding difficulties,
sleep disruption, nappy rash,

croup, sore nipples.

I've had them all.

This is your Uncle Eddie

and he has a warped and predictable
sense of humour.

But, seriously, I've been
through this very recently.

Call me.

Or Nicola. Thanks, Eddie.

DOOR OPENS
Knock-knock!

Hi, Louise.
How are you, love?

This is the best one.

What shall I say?

"Meet your daughter"?
Yeah. That sounds good.

I'm joking. Send it to me.
I'll write something.

Is this the father
you're sending it to?

No, I'm sending it to every man
I know just to put the wind up them.

THEY LAUGH
Yeah. Just the dad. Just Danny.

He wants to be involved. Yep.

There's nothing like having a photo
on your phone

to say you're involved.
Maurice, shut up or wait outside.

Hiya.

HE CHUCKLES

Do you want to share this coffee?

Oh, no. You're all right.

You'd be doing me a favour, honest.
Thanks.

Eugh!

You taking sugar these days?

No. I pressed the wrong button.

I thought you might be
reinventing yourself.

As a diabetic?

That suits Sarah. She can nurse
you back to sparkling health

by way of manuka honey
and lentil crisps.

Lentil crisps are
surprisingly moreish.

I'll take your word for that.

They're like a Puritan Quaver.

Although sadly...

..I'll have to be buying
my own supply from now on.

Me and Sarah are...

You know. Oh, I didn't know
you were.

Well, that's what's so confusing.

I'm not sure we were going out -
and now I'm not entirely sure

what it was that's finished.

Ben called it a day today as well.

Look, you don't have to say that

just to make me feel a bit better
on this. I'm not.

When did you first realise that
you were really bad at life?

We're going to need a lot of spare
time for Rebecca's baby, anyway.

Very true. And thank you for
not saying the "grandchild" word.

I know. It's terrifying.

Do you think she'll be OK?

I think she'll be fine.
She's strong.

I know, but she shouldn't have to be
strong, should she, at her age?

We'll be there for her.

Yeah.

Two failures who've just admitted
that we don't have a clue

how to do life!

If we don't succeed,
we have to fail beautifully.

Is that Samuel Beckett?

Jurgen Klopp.

THEY LAUGH

Baby's head - smells like heaven.
Yeah.

What?

Don't go making a fuss.

Will you marry me?

You don't have to propose
for the sake of the baby, Maurice.

You do know it's not ours,
don't you?

Say yes.

Please say yes, Louise.

BABY BABBLES

What kept you?

Dad wouldn't drive faster
than ten miles an hour.

Oh, no change there, then.

Ramesh, nice to see ya!

Turns out Ramesh's uncle
was the paramedic

that took Rebecca to hospital.
Come on.

I thought he worked in Blackpool.

He moved to Cumbria. He finds it
less stressful

and the hen parties
got too much for him.

Have you had much experience of
hen dos, Ramesh?

You look a bit washed out, Becky,

but I'll give you
a digital makeover!

Oh, thanks. I don't mean it.
You look gorgeous.

And so does... Tom.

What?

You've got a name, haven't you? No!

Not at all! Right, settle down.

Come on, you can tell me the name.
I won't tell anybody.

You'll find out soon enough!
Don't worry.

What shutter speed are you using?

Ramesh, if I'm honest, I'll just be
glad to get this lot to shut up

and look in the vague direction
of the camera.

15 seconds! OK, everyone!

Here we go!
THEY CHATTER

OK. Ready?

Say, "Rosie Sandra Hughes"!

What? Rosie Sandra!

Oh, that's lovely!

It's Grandma's name?
Yeah. Do you like it? Yeah.

Oh, bloody hell, Dad!

Look, look, look!

CAMERA BEEPS

MUSIC: I Still Do
by I Am Kloot

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

# When I was a child

# I looked up at the sky

# Thought I saw you and I

# In the clouds passing by

# When I was a boy

# I looked out at the sea

# Thought I saw you and me

# In the waves on the breeze

# And I

# I still do

# I still do

# I still do

# When I was a child

# I had that look in my eye

# I had a will to despise

# Make destruction my life

# When I was a boy

# I looked out at the sea

# Thought I saw you and me

# In the waves on the breeze

# And I

# I still do

# Still do

# Still do

# And I

# I still do

# I still do

# I still do. #