Original subtitles

Come on, man! Air ball?

At this point, I might as well try out for the Lakers.

Uh, Pop, didn't you hurt your back

brushing your teeth the other day?

That's because our sink is too low.

And, Tina, stop telling my business.

And you, keep my back out your mouth.

Oh, damn.

Text from my brother, Curtis.

Said he's coming to visit.

Oh, nice. He hasn't been here for a couple of years.

It'll be good to see him.

I don't know, whenever he shows up,

he always wants something.

We know it ain't money.

Well, it better not be a kidney.

Baby, with that $100 million lottery jackpot he got,

he can buy all the kidneys he wants.

Wait, wait, I thought he was with Mama Marilyn

on a luxury cruise around the world?

Uh, whatever, man.

If I had won the Super Powerball,

I'd have bought Mama her own cruise ship.

Well, if Uncle Curtis is coming,

I need to update my Amazon Wish List.

Oh, me, too... put me down for two jet skis.

One for me and one to rent.

See, that's called passive income.

Guys, he's your uncle, not Black Santa.

But if he wants to buy us

one of those Sleep Number beds, I would not be mad at him.

Well, I am mad at him.

Always flaunting that money around like an NBA rookie

on All-Star weekend.

Sounds like somebody's jealous.

I didn't say it was you.

Well, good, because I'm not.

I got everything I need. I got a beautiful wife,

adequate kids.

Oh, I'll get it.

You know what, I'm just gonna text Curtis

and tell him we out of town.

I just don't want to hear the noise.

I don't want to hear all that yackety-yack... No.

Uh... what's all this?

Here's... Curtis!

Yeah! Yeah!

Boy, you always knew how to make an entrance.

I mean, at least this time you didn't blow money

by bringing a gospel choir and pole dancers.

No, dawg.

Of course not.

Ix-nay on the pole ancers-day.

Ix-nay.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

So the hostess says there's a 30-minute wait,

and Mama's getting hangry, so I bought the place.

Now I own a Applebee's.

I mean, what other choice did I have?

I don't know, you could've waited at the bar

and ordered Riblets like regular people?

I can't believe you left Mama Marilyn on a cruise ship.

Oh, she's fine. I left her at the blackjack table

with a gang of chips, a Pepsi, and a bucket of shrimps.

Okay, well, maybe I should call her and let her know

you're no longer in the bathroom.

Well, you know, it's so good to finally meet Calvin's little brother.

Ah, yeah, I got to tell you, when we saw six Escalades

pull up on the street,

I thought it was the president.

Not yet, but I'm putting together a team.

Oh, hasn't this country been through enough?

I don't know. Those are some pretty sweet rides out front.

Yeah, man, I would love to take one of those out for a spin.

Finally, my Oprah moment!

You get a car and you get a car!

- Oh, my... - Yeah!

Hey, don't get too attached... they're rentals.

Anybody else need a car?

Or a Applebee's?

Well, you know, to be honest,

we could use one of those SUVs tomorrow.

We're taking a ton of stuff to the Goodwill.

Oh, yeah, we moved here with so much stuff,

and we never really organized.

So we want to get it done while Grover's away at camp.

Yeah, and if we don't do it now,

we're gonna have to rent a storage unit.

Oh, well, we wouldn't have to

if someone didn't insist on keeping

every T-shirt from every 5K he's ever run.

Well, I don't know what to tell you, Gemma.

They all spark joy.

Dave, they can't all spark joy.

- Well... - That's ridiculous.

White people have the strangest fights.

- These are real smooth, man. - Should be.

I knew a guy that knew a guy that knew Castro.

But if anybody asks,

they're Honduran.

Yeah, man, we've come a long way, huh?

Remember Mama and Daddy had to put everything on layaway?

I remember my first Big Wheel.

By the time I got it, I was too big for it.

Yeah, we had to grease you up pretty good

to get you in and out of that thing, remember?

Man.

I'm so glad those days are behind us.

Now I got a guy for everything.

If I want something, I get it.

Well, it's not that easy for me.

I've been saving up money to get Tina this Birkin bag

for our 35th anniversary.

It's not for another three years, but by that time,

I should have the money, you know?

I hear those bags ain't cheap.

Oh, no.

A bag that expensive should come with its own shoulder.

Nah. Tina's worth it.

You got a really good one there, Cee.

Yeah, thank you, man.

I mean, you got you a good woman, too.

You-you and Raquel, y'all coming up on, like, a year now, huh?

How's she?

She left me.

Classic story.

I bought her some parasailing classes.

She flies off with the instructor.

That's the real reason why I came.

I needed my big brother's support.

Man, I'm sorry to hear that, little bro.

I thought she was happy.

I bought her everything.

I even got her mother a new hip,

so she could Tootsie Roll again.

Well, you know what? That's Raquel's loss.

And her Tootsie Rollin' mama.

I got you, little brother.

- Yeah. - Thank you, C-Boogie.

You okay?

Cigar too strong?

No, it just reminds me of Raquel.

Packed, stacked, and bad for me.

Aw, the slow cooker we got for our wedding

that we never used.

Obvious toss, right?

Well, I don't know.

What if I need to make a stew?

Have you ever made a stew?

Well, no, but I haven't needed to.

Oh.

Oh.

- Oh, hey, Curtis. - Hi.

Hello, Calvin's friends.

You said you needed to be organized,

so I hired Tyler.

He's a stuff organizer.

I prefer "domestic efficiency expert."

Yeah, I can't remember all that...

I'm just gonna call you a "stuff organizer."

You're Tyler.

From Tyler Tidies Up.

I watch your show... when I should be cleaning.

- Wow, thank you, Curtis. - Hey, what can I say?

I make dreams come true.

Later, kitty cats.

Oh, meow!

Hey, uh...

didn't you help organize Harry and Meghan's new house?

Yes, and, uh, not to dish, but they are total hoarders.

I mean, how many photographs of the queen do you need?

Oh, no. These can't possibly be raver jeans.

I'm telling you right now, I'm tossing your glowsticks.

See what I'm dealing with here?

Okay, all right, I am not quite sure

how these made it into the junk pile.

I wore these to my very first Sugar Ray concert.

Look, I know parting with belongings can be stressful.

But I've got just one question for you.

Do you like clutter?

- No? - No.

Of course not, so I'll go through every inch of your home

and decide where everything belongs.

Oh, my gosh, this is just like being on your show.

Okay, how can we help?

You can't. Leave, and let Tyler...

Tidy up!

Sorry, that's your line.

No, no, I get it, you're excited.

But don't do it again.

Ooh, okay, okay.

Curtis hooked you boys up.

Oh, big time, Mama.

Drake was rocking these babies in his last video.

Oh, mm-hmm.

Okay, do I look debonair?

No... don't answer that.

I feel debonair.

And that is all that matters.

Yes.

Yo! I bet you thought you'd never helicopter to Tijuana

for tacos.

It was worth pissing off that border patrol.

Oh, that serrano ceviche was muy caliente.

Hey, nephews.

I got you a little something.

Aw, Uncle Curtis. You got to stop buying us stuff, man.

So y'all don't want these Rolexes?

No, I mean after this.

No, no, after this, after this.

Baby, I thought you said you hated it

when Curtis throws his money around.

Well, I do, babe, but...

he's going through a real bad breakup...

- Oh. - ... so if buying things for people

makes him happy, who am I to judge?

Oh, I'll get it.

Oh, by the way...

I got you something.

Oh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no!

Oh, somebody pinch me!

A Hermes Birkin bag?!

I-I've been wanting one of these for years!

Seven years to be exact.

What? How did you know?

Baby, you told him, didn't you?

I sure did.

Oh, thank you so much! Look!

Look! Look, look at my...

- Look at my bag! - No need to say anything.

That look on your face is thanks enough.

Look at her.

She's so smooth and sexy.

Just like me.

I'm gonna call her Burkina.

You know, I-I'm gonna need a special place in my closet.

Boys, come help me clean out my closet.

And part of your dad's, too.

- Curtis. - Let me stop you right there.

You're welcome.

I'm "welcome"?

You just made me look like a chump in front of my wife.

What did I do? I just bought Tina a bag she wanted.

I did you a favor.

I didn't need a favor, all right?

I was gonna buy that bag myself.

Yeah, but not for another three years.

I saved you all that time and money.

Did you see the happy look she gave me?

Yes. I saw the look.

That was the look I was supposed to get.

You stole my look!

I'm rich... I don't got to steal.

Curtis, me buying her that purse was important to me, all right?

It was a symbol of my love for her.

That's beautiful. So we did it!

See, you just don't get it.

You think you can just always slide in here and buy folks.

Well, you can't buy my family and friends.

- Where is it? Where's Burkina? - Right here!

- She's right here, oh, my God! - Oh, my God!

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!

- Isn't it gorgeous? - Ladies? Ladies!

Please, I'm trying to make a point here.

Oh, you made your point.

Loud and clear.

You know, with a little bit of distance,

I can see that it's time to let go of some stuff.

Yes, it is.

And, honey, I am really proud of you.

We are gonna feel so much better

after purging all your junk we don't need.

Oh...

Welcome to Xanadu.

Everything has been put away.

And you've been Tyler-ed.

Is it just me, or does this room seem larger?

Yeah, it's nice, uh...

- What's with the bags? - Okay.

I've organized your essentials.

And what's in these bags is non-essential.

Dave, I know this is gonna be hard,

but you're just gonna have to let go of some things

we don't need, like this.

What in the fluff and fold have you done?!

This isn't trash.

These are all my pageant dresses.

Yes, your ancient pageantry items

were taking up space in your closet.

If by "taking up space,"

you mean "lovingly stored away from light."

Now, Gemma, I know this is gonna...

Stay out of this, Dave!

Look...

I know it's difficult, but as I say on my show,

"If it's covered in dust,

saying toodle-oo is a must."

The only thing non-essential around here is you, Harry Poppins.

Get out of my house.

Ah, you know what, lady?

I knew doing a side gig was a mistake.

I don't need this.

Hold on, uh... what happened to your accent?

It's an act, Columbo.

Nobody wants to take cleaning advice from a guy from Brooklyn.

You okay?

I know some people think beauty pageants are superficial,

but that prize money helped me pay for college.

Plus, my mom spent hours sewing these dresses.

They're also really pretty.

I had no idea these meant so much to you.

I know it was my idea to get rid of all this clutter,

but there are just some things I can't let go of.

Look, it's like my JNCO jeans.

You know, when I first saw them in Miller's Outpost,

I was, I was... oh, my gosh.

I had to have them.

But, you know, that's a story

- for another time. - Yeah, mm-hmm.

- This is about your dresses. - Yeah.

Oh, hey, Calvin.

Want some snow shoes or a laser disc player?

No and hell no.

It's the 21st century, Dave.

What are you doing out here?

Eh, just trying to chill out.

Curtis bought Tina that purse I've been saving for.

I've never seen her so happy.

That made me so mad.

Well, I'm sorry.

I guess that lottery money changed him.

No, he's always been like that.

When we were younger, I'd be hanging out with my friends,

Curtis would pop up, and give them all candy.

He was everybody's favorite until the candy ran out.

Then they all come running back to me with their blue tongues.

Well, it sounds like the same kid just with a bigger bank account.

Well, he's not a kid.

- He's a grown man. - Yeah,

but, you know, wanting to be liked never goes away.

Hmm.

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, damn, Dave, you just helped me understand my little brother

better than I ever have before.

- Thanks, man. - Well, you're welcome.

Hey, are you sure you don't want this laser disc player?

You know, Top Gun is stuck inside.

Sorry, Goose, but I've lost that loving feeling.

_

Dave, I told you I didn't want to waste money

putting our junk in an overpriced storage unit.

Oh...

So what do you think about the Gemma Johnson Museum?

I love it!

I do want to waste money putting our junk

in an overpriced storage unit!

Well, you know, we do have owe Tyler some credit

for rescuing these dresses from the back of your closet.

They should be in a place

- where you can enjoy them. - Oh.

Plus the first month's rent was only a dollar.

Thank you so much.

You are the sweetest.

And you got all my favorites.

Miss Hog Queen.

Miss Freshwater Trout.

Wait a minute, are those your raver jeans?

Oh, yeah, that's a special exhibit.

On loan from the Dave Johnson collection.

Yes! There we go, there we go.

Booyah!

You're a joke. Pay up, sucker.

- Who's next? - Me.

How'd you find me?

Wasn't that hard.

I mean, you would always come here whenever you got upset.

Come on, man, let's go.

First off the block.

- Yeah, right into a wall. - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Yes, yes, yes.

- I'm on that corner, baby... - Yes...

- Whoa! Whoa! - No, no, no, no! No, no, no!

No! Yes, yes!

Yeah!

- Watch out, truck! - Dang it!

How'd we both come in third?

Hey, look, Curtis.

I know you thought you were doing me a solid

when you bought Tina that purse.

All right? It-it's your way of expressing love and...

it's okay for a rich man like yourself, but for me,

it takes a lot of sacrifice.

I spent a lot of late nights in that shop fixing cars...

hell, I even gave up my NFL package.

That's how much I wanted to buy that purse for Tina.

Wow, I never thought of it like that.

And you were right.

I do use my money to get people to like me.

Look, money doesn't make people like you.

Yeah, well, I got 100 mil that says you wrong.

See, that's your problem.

Just because you received it,

doesn't mean that you achieved it.

Respect isn't bought.

It's earned.

You sound like my team of therapists.

You know, the right kind of people?

They'll always love you for you.

Which reminds me,

whenever you're ready to start dating again,

would you please take "I hit the Super Powerball"

off your Tinder profile?

All right.

I guess I'm gonna have to put something corny on there like,

"I like rom coms and long walks to the bank."

Okay, you know what, we gonna keep working on that.

See, Cal?

This is why I came home, man.

You always know how to pick me up, kid.

And it's free of charge.

All right, man, come on, let's get this thing started.

So I can beat your ass on this motorcycle.

You the one that's gonna get beat down.

All right.

Cal?

Sorry about the purse. I'll take it back.

Good luck with that.

Tina sleeps with that thing handcuffed to her wrist.

And I also bought you something to make up for everything.

Hey, Curtis.

I told you, man, I love you for you.

I don't need anything.

Cool, I'll just take back the Ferrari.

"Ferrari"?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look, man, I can't accept that,

but we can take it back to the dealership the long way.

Come on, man, let's go, let's get this...

Some pretty riding, pretty riding...

All right, now, buckle up,

'cause we're about to make some bad decisions.

And this time,

Mama won't be around to give us a whupping.

Wait.

You spent $300,000 on this car

and you don't know how to drive it?

That's because my big brother never taught me how to drive stick.

Oh, okay. So that's on me, all right.

Well, I'm gonna teach you now. First...

you got to ease up off the clutch

and give it some gas at the same time.

- Let me check you out. - Okay, like this?

I'm doing it, I'm doing it!

Yeah, but you're on the sidewalk doing it!

Aah!

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

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