Original subtitles

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY.

I THINK I'LL GO OUT FOR A SKIP.

WANNA COME WITH ME, GRANDMA?

YEAH, RIGHT.

[COUGHS]

EWW. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING, GRANDMA?

UM...I DON'T KNOW.

LET ME THINK.

[CRIES]

JEEPERS, GRANDMA.

THAT SEEMS LIKE A LONG TIME TO BE SMOKING.

SHOULDN'T YOU STOP?

I'VE HEARD IT ISN'T GOOD FOR YOU.

YEAH? WELL, NEITHER IS PISSING OFF OLD ANGRY LADIES, KID.

NO FOOLING. I'M WORRIED.

I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU.

YOU IDIOT. SHE'S GONNA OUTLIVE EVERYBODY.

SHE'S FROM HELL.

SHE'S NOT FROM HELL!

YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO QUASH MY FEAR.

AWW.

YOU REALLY DO CARE ABOUT ME, DON'T YOU?

UH-HUH.

WELL, IF MY FUCKING SMOKING BOTHERS YOU SO MUCH,

THERE'S THE DOOR!

AND DON'T LET IT HIT YOU IN THE ASS!

WHAT IF I DID MOVE OUT?

YOU COULD FINALLY MOVE INTO MY ROOM

LIKE YOU ALWAYS WANTED.

UH...KEEP TALKING.

I'LL MOVE OUT AND GET MY OWN PLACE IF YOU GIVE UP SMOKING.

DEAL!

[LAUGHS]

PIECE OF CAKE.

EAT THE REST OF THESE, DOUGIE.

THIS IS PERFECT TIMING.

IT'S RUSH WEEK AT SCHOOL,

AND I WANT TO JOIN A FRATERNITY ANYWAY.

WHAT FRATERNITY IS THAT?

PHI BETA MORON?

HEY, CLAY, GLAD YOU STOPPED BY.

YOU KNOW, I WAS WONDERING,

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW ABOUT YODELING?

I KNOW EVERYTHING I'VE EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT YODELING.

NOTHING.

ARE YOU SURE?

THERE'S A YODELER WHO'S A CROSS-OVER ARTIST.

IF YOU INVEST, WE'LL BE AT THE FOREFRONT

OF THE POP YODELING BOOM IN THIS COUNTRY.

♪ YO-DE-LAY-HEE-- ♪ NO.

[GURGLES]

LET'S GO, JOHNNY.

ALL RIGHT, FORGET THAT. YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S STUPID.

BUT HEAR ME OUT ON THIS ONE:

LOW-INCOME IGLOOS FOR THE INNER CITIES.

THINK ABOUT THAT!

NO. I'M NOT GONNA THINK ABOUT THAT.

IN FACT, I'VE ALREADY FORGOTTEN WHAT YOU SAID.

HOW ABOUT A COMBINATION COLONIC/SOFT-SERVE YOGURT SHOP?

NO!

REUSABLE CONDOMS!

NO!

REUSABLE CONDOMS!

NO!

ROBOT ASSASSINS.

FUCK NO! I'M NEVER COMING HERE AGAIN.

THAT'S OK, 'CAUSE I'M MOVING OUT

AS SOON AS I JOIN A FRATERNITY.

FRATERNITY, HUH?

YOU KNOW THEY'RE GONNA MAKE YOU DRINK PEE.

[LAUGHS]

NO. THEY DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

THEY'RE JUST GONNA SPANK US WITH PADDLES

AND MAKE US ROLL AROUND IN DOG DOO AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING.

I GOT MY PISS CUP!

I GOT MY PISS CUP!

WHOOPEE!

[MOCKING] THEY DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT I HEARD.

OMAR, WHERE'S YOUR PADDLE?

HERE IT IS.

OW!

[MUMBLING]

UNH!

OOH! OW!

[GRUNTS]

AH! JESUS, MARY, AND JOSEPH!

HE'S LIKE A BAD CASE OF HERPES.

[GROANS]

[SQUEALS]

HEY, CLAY, NOW THAT I HAVE YOU ALONE,

I CAN TELL YOU MY REAL BUSINESS IDEA.

I--I DIDN'T WANT THOSE PARASITES TO HEAR IT.

DO YOU MEAN YOUR SON AND YOUR MOTHER?

EXACTLY.

IT'S THE OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME.

IT'S A BAR FOR TALL PEOPLE,

AND IT'S CALLED "TALLS."

HMM.

YOU MEAN A PLACE WHERE I WOULDN'T BE

THE TALLEST PERSON IN THE ROOM?

HELL, YOU'LL BE ON THE SHORT SIDE.

SHORT SIDE.

MR. ZEEMAN, CAN YOU COME TO THE BOARD TO WORK OUT THIS PROBLEM?

STOP CLOWNING AROUND, MR. GIRAFFE.

[STUDENTS LAUGH]

LOOK OUT, CLASS!

HE'S HAVING ANOTHER GROWTH SPURT!

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

[STUDENTS SCREAM]

I'M THE TALLEST KID EVER.

[SNIFFS]

SURE, OLD MAN.

I'LL MAKE YOUR BAR FOR TALL PEOPLE.

PUT 'ER THERE, PARTNER.

DON'T TOUCH ME,

AND DON'T CALL ME "PARTNER."

AND QUIT FUCKIN' LOOKING' AT ME.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE GONNA SPANK US WITH THOSE PADDLES,

NOT SHOVE 'EM UP OUR HEINIES.

IF I'D KNOWN THAT,

I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A SMALLER, ROUNDER ONE.

OH, WELL. LIVE AND LEARN.

I'M SURE WE'LL HAVE BETTER LUCK AT THE NEXT 20 HOUSES.

STOP, DROP, AND ROLL, JOHNNY!

I THOUGHT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GET HAZED, NOT BLAZED.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GET HAZED AFTER WE PLEDGE.

I'M STARTING TO THINK THESE FRATERNITIES MIGHT NOT WANT US.

BY GUM, YOU MAY BE RIGHT!

WELL, WE TRIED.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO FACE YOUR GRANDMA,

YOU CAN LIVE AT MY HOUSE IN MY GRANDMA'S ROOM.

I DON'T KNOW.

OH, DON'T WORRY. SHE'S DEAD.

SHE DIED FROM SMOKING TOO MUCH.

BUT WE HAD HER STUFFED, AND WE KEEP HER IN BED.

YOU CAN SLEEP WITH HER.

THAT'S GENEROUS, OMAR--

OR YOU CAN STAY WITH MY SISTER.

SHE'S POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL.

SHE'S STRAPPED TO THE BED, BUT THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM.

JUST DON'T LISTEN TO HER.

SHE LIES! SHE TRIES TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS!

NO! WE CAN'T GIVE UP SO EASILY.

YOU'RE RIGHT. LET'S CALL A PRIEST.

NO!

LET'S MAKE OUR OWN FRATERNITY.

GREAT, BUT WILL WE HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE TO DRINK THEIR OWN PEE?

I THINK THAT'S A TERRIFIC IDEA, OMAR,

BUT FIRST, WE GOTTA FIND A PLACE TO LIVE.

OOH, HOW ABOUT MY HOUSE?

DID I TELL YOU MY COUSIN'S A CYCLOPS?

UM, WHAT DID I DO WITH MY SPIT CUP?

OH, WELL. I'LL JUST MAKE DO.

OH, HI, PAULA.

[HACKING]

HI, MRS. JENKINS.

I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW A CIGARETTE?

SINCE WHEN DO TREE-HUGGIN' BITCHES SMOKE?

WELL, ME AN CHIP WERE DOING THE HUMPTY DUMP,

AND WE WANTED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE

LIKE THEY DO IN THE MOVIES.

YOU'RE SHIT OUT OF LUCK, KID. I JUST QUIT.

THAT'S GREAT,

BUT ISN'T CHEWING TOBACCO BASICALLY THE SAME THING?

YEAH. WHAT'S YOUR POINT, SLUT?

MY POINT IS: I KNOW QUITTING IS VERY HARD,

BUT IT'S EASIER WITH A FRIEND.

I'LL HANG OUT WITH YOU UNTIL YOU GET THE HANG OF IT.

OH, WHY DON'T WE DO A 3-WAY WITH CHIP?

THAT'LL TAKE MY MIND OFF IT.

NOW, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

WE NEED TO TAKE YOUR MIND OFF SMOKING,

UH, BUT CHIP AND I STOPPED DOING 3-WAYS THIS MORNING.

MY LIFE SUCKS.

OK, HERE WE ARE, GUYS.

ALL THAT STANDS BETWEEN US AND THE OPENING OF TALLS

IS A LOT OF HARD LABOR. I'D LOVE TO HELP YOU,

BUT MY BACK INJURY BOUGHT THIS PLACE.

AAH!

[GRUNTS]

[GROWLS]

WELL WE DID IT, GUYS.

WELCOME, MY TALL BROTHER. YOU'LL BE SAFE HERE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING, SHORTY?

IT'S NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY.

BUT--

BUT NOTHING.

WHY DON'T YOU WALK OUT OF HERE

ON THOSE STUBBY LITTLE LEGS OF YOURS.

YOU'RE A SIZEIST!

YOU CAN'T DISCRIMINATE AGAINST ME BECAUSE I'M SHORT!

THE HELL I CAN'T. IT'S PAYBACK TIME, STUMPY.

AAH!

I CAN'T BELIEVE DARIUS IS

GETTING ANOTHER SEX CHANGE OPERATION.

THAT MAKES 3.

IT'S NOT CALLED ALL MY PROBLEMS FOR NOTHING.

SHIT. I WISH I HAD A DICK.

SEE?

YOU'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT SMOKING ANYMORE.

THIS IS WORKING.

LIKE HELL IT IS!

THIS SHOW IS SO DEPRESSING

I'M GONNA GO OUT AND GET CIGARETTES RIGHT NOW.

AND THE SOONER I START SMOKING AGAIN,

THE SOONER I DIE.

OH, YOU'RE SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN.

LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE IS ON.

THIS PENDANT IS 100% PLATINAR WITH CRIAMOND HIGHLIGHTS.

WE'RE NOT SELLING IT FOR $20.

WE'RE NOT SELLING IT FOR $19.

NOT 18.50. NOT 17.95.

THIS PLATINAR PENDANT WITH CRIAMOND HIGHLIGHTS

CAN BE YOURS FOR 37.50.

CALL NOW, AND WE'LL THROW IN THESE MATCHING GOPAL EARRINGS.

I CAN'T PASS THIS UP.

BESIDES, I DESERVE A TREAT.

MRS. JENKINS, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS GOPAL AND PLATINAR.

THEY'RE TRYING TO SCAM YOU.

IT'S ALL SHIT.

HEY, WHY DO YOU GOTTA BE PUTTIN' DOWN GOPALS?

NOT EVERYBODY CAN AFFORD ZIRCONIUM, CRACKER.

LOOK!

GREEK LETTERS!

THIS MUST BE AN OLD FRATERNITY HOUSE

THAT'S GONE OUT OF BUSINESS.

THIS PLACE IS PERFECT!

Johnny: I CAN'T BELIEVE NOBODY'S CLAIMED IT YET.

HEY, WE GOT A COUCH.

COOL!

LET THE FRATERNITIZING BEGIN!

YOU WANNA HAZE EACH OTHER?

OK!

WELL, THAT WAS FUN, BUT I THINK WE NEED MORE PEOPLE.

THAT'S RIGHT. "FRATERNITY" COMES FROM THE GREEK WORD "BULLY."

THAT DESCRIBES US PERFECTLY.

WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS COME UP WITH A NAME USING GREEK LETTERS.

I GOT IT!

KAPPA ZETA JONES!

PERFECT!

THIS IS GREAT, ANGUS.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED MY OWN BAR.

[CHIRPS]

USE A GLASS, YOU FUCKING PIG.

AAH!

[SQUEALS]

SO IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, DOLL-FACE,

I'M THE OWNER.

AND I'M HIS PARTNER.

BOY, THOSE TITTIES ARE HIGH OFF THE GROUND.

WHO ASKED YOU TO TALK ABOUT MY TITTIES?!

OK, LET'S TAKE A WALK, MR. JENKINS.

I NEED TO DISCUSS AN IMPORTANT BUSINESS MATTER WITH YOU.

AN IMPORTANT MATTER!

SO THIS IS WHERE YOU'LL BE FROM NOW ON.

WHAT? IN THE BATHROOM?

YEAH. IT'S REALLY THE COMMAND CENTER OF THE CLUB,

AND YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF IT.

REALLY?

YEAH.

DAMN IT! I WISH I'D GIVEN MYSELF THIS JOB.

HEY, COULD WE SWITCH POSITIONS?

NO WAY, SUCKER.

OK, WELL, I'LL GO BACK OUTSIDE

AND MAKE SURE EVERYTHING'S OK THEN.

YEAH, GO DO THAT.

YOU LEAVE THE IMPORTANT THINGS TO ME.

[SIGHS] I CAN'T BELIEVE I MADE IT THIS FAR.

HEY, YOU WANT TO JOIN A COOL FRATERNITY

WITH LOTS OF AWESOME DUDES?

WOULD I HAVE TO ENROLL IN COLLEGE?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

WAIT, OMAR. I THINK HE WOULD.

WHY? ALL THAT PAPERWORK IS SUCH A HASSLE.

PLUS, SCHOOL'S NOT FOR EVERYONE.

YOU SHOULD TAKE SOME TIME OFF AND TRAVEL.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE STONEHENGE.

[WHISTLES]

OMAR, WE CAN ONLY RECRUIT PEOPLE WHO GO TO CCC.

YOU GET THAT, RIGHT?

OH, I GET IT. OK.

HERE COMES SOMEONE.

MISS, DO YOU GO TO THIS SCHOOL?

YES, OMAR. I'M IN ALL YOUR CLASSES.

OMAR, THIS ISN'T--

JOHNNY, I'LL HANDLE THIS.

I'LL NEVER LEARN ANYTHING IF YOU HOLD MY HAND ALL THE TIME.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

DO YOU WANNA JOIN OUR FRATERNITY?

UM, I'M ALREADY IN THE SORORITY RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET.

THAT LOOKS FUN.

CAN I JOIN?

OMAR, SORORITIES ARE FOR GIRLS.

FRATERNITIES ARE FOR BOYS.

I'M SORRY MY FRIEND IS CUCKOO.

SO YOU WANNA GO PICK BERRIES?

I'M SORRY. I'M GETTING MARRIED THIS AFTERNOON.

DARN IT. SHE WAS THE ONE.

I'LL PICK BERRIES WITH YOU.

OH, GROW UP, JOHNNY.

WE'RE TRYING TO START A FRATERNITY HERE,

NOT A FARMERS MARKET.

HURRY UP IN THERE. YOU'RE ON THE CLOCK.

LIKE I'VE BEEN SAYING,

IF YOU COULD JUST HAND ME A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER,

I COULD GET OUT OF HERE.

WHY? YOU WANNA STUFF YOUR BRASSIERE WITH IT?

NO. I'D LIKE TO GET THIS SHIT OFF MY ASS

SO I CAN GO OUT AND DANCE!

WELL, HERE'S 5 SHEETS.

SEE HOW FAR THAT GETS YOU.

[ALARM BLARES]

WHAT'S GOING ON?!

BACK AWAY FROM THE STALL WITH YOUR HANDS UP!

BUT I HAVEN'T FLUSHED YET!

EXACTLY.

YOU THINK YOU CAN WASTE TOILET WATER ON MY WATCH?

THINK AGAIN.

YOU'RE DRUNK ON POWER!

I'M FLUSHING.

[MUFFLED YELLS]

AND STAY OUT! HA!

IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY DOING THE RIGHT THING,

BUT WHEREVER THERE IS INJUSTICE IN THIS BATHROOM,

I WILL SNIFF IT OUT.

[SNIFFS]

JESUS, THAT REEKS.

[MOANS]

[GRUNTS]

[SLURPS]

[HONKING NOISE]

[GROWLS]

[CHEERS]

PUT ON YOUR THINKING CAP, OMAR.

WE'VE GOTTA FIND A WAY TO GET SOME OTHER MEMBERS.

WELL, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT WE'VE GOT TO WORK WITH.

THERE'S US, THE HOUSE, THIS KEG...

THAT'S IT, OMAR!

THIS KEG MUST BE LEFT OVER

FROM THE LAST FRATERNITY TO LIVE HERE.

WE'LL THROW A KEG PARTY!

YEAH! KEGGER!

THAT'LL DEFINITELY GET PEOPLE TO JOIN.

AND I GET TO INVITE PAULA.

SHE'LL BE SO IMPRESSED.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

YOU'LL BE BUYING FOOD FOR YOURSELF AND CLOTHES.

TV Salesman: AND THIS LOVELY TREADMILL CAN BE YOURS

FOR JUST 5 EASY PAYMENTS OF $227.34.

227 BUCKS!

HUH! WHAT A STEAL!

OH, MY GOD. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BOUGHT THIS!

WHAT DID THIS PIG EVER DO TO YOU?!

IT WAS ON SALE.

HEY, STANLEY. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, IT'S ME AGAIN.

LET ME GET THE TREADMILL THIS TIME.

IT COMES WITH A SOUP POT?

WONDERFUL!

WHAT THE HELL?!

LOOK, I KNOW YOU MISS SMOKING,

BUT YOU CAN'T FILL THE VOID WITH ALL THESE THINGS.

WHO ASKED FOR YOUR HELP ANYWAY?

I'M COPING THE BEST WAY I CAN!

AND IF BUYING SHIT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER,

THEN IT--AAH!

DON'T FUCK WITH ME, YOU OLD COW!

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS ALONE!

I PUT ON A TOUGH EXTERIOR, BUT DEEP, DEEP DOWN,

I-I'M JUST A SCARED LITTLE GIRL.

IT'S OK. I UNDERSTAND.

TWIST THEM HARDER.

I'M HERE FOR YOU.

[MOANS]

[PAGER BEEPS]

OH, JOHNNY'S FRATERNITY IS HAVING A KEGGER.

I BETTER GO SHAVE.

SEE YOU, MRS. JENKINS.

UH, SORRY WE GOT CUT OFF, STANLEY.

BUT ABOUT THIS TREADMILL--

I WAS THINKING...

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! HEY.

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

I'M TRYING TO USE THE FACILITIES.

WELL, NOT IN THIS STALL YOU'RE NOT.

THAT'S THE V.I.P. STALL.

UNLESS YOU'RE ON THE LIST.

WHAT LIST?

THE ONE IN MY HEAD.

NOW, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

GARY LEVIGNE.

HMM. NOPE. NOT ON THE LIST.

THIS IS BULLSHIT.

RIGHT THIS WAY MR. GOLDBLUM.

YOUR STALL IS READY FOR YOU.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?

WELL, MAYBE I COULD ARRANGE

FOR ONE OF THE STALLS TO OPEN UP,

BUT IT'S GONNA COST YOU.

TAKE WHAT YOU NEED.

I JUST GOTTA GO.

YOU GOT 5 SECONDS TO GET OUT OF THERE!

BUT I'M NOT FINISHED.

YEAH, YOU ARE. I'M RUNNING THINGS HERE.

Man: HEY, YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.

HERE YOU ARE, SIR.

SORRY, BUDDY.

[MOANS]

ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER.

WOW. I CAN SEE JEFF GOLDBLUM TAKING A SHIT.

HERE YOU GO.

AAH! IT BURNS!

LOOK, YOU CAN CRAWL AROUND ON THE FLOOR IF YOU WANT,

BUT I GOTTA HOSE YOU OFF BEFORE I LET YOU BACK OUT THERE.

YOU THREW ME ON THE GROUND!

Douglas: SHUT UP, GERMY.

HEY, YOU WERE RIGHT, STANLEY.

THIS TREADMILL RUNS LIKE A DREAM.

NOW, WHEN CAN I EXPECT THAT INDUSTRIAL FREEZER?

OH, ALL RIGHT. CALL ME BACK.

GOD, I HAVEN'T FELT THIS YOUNG IN YEARS.

NOW FOR DESSERT.

KIND OF A WINDY DAY.

OH, YEAH.

OH, GOD. GOD, THIS FEELS SO GOOD.

IT'S LIKE LAYING ON A GIANT TONGUE.

[ANGUS GRUNTS]

[CHIRPS]

EEK!

[SNIFFS]

Douglas: HOW ABOUT A COMBINATION

COLONIC/SOFT-SERVE YOGURT SHOP?

Clay: NO.

HOW ABOUT WE MAKE LITTLE PADS OF PAPER

WITH A STICKY PART ON THE BACK,

AND THEN YOU CAN WRITE YOUR IDEAS ON THEM

AND STICK THEM TO SOMETHING.

NO.

COME ON. LET'S JUST EAT THIS THING.

OK, WE'LL START A COMPANY

WHERE WE DELIVER PEOPLE'S PACKAGES

THAT THEY WANT TO SEND FROM ONE TOWN TO ANOTHER,

AND WE'D BE LIKE A PARCEL SERVICE.

SHUT UP! I'M HUNGRY. GIMME THAT!

HOW ABOUT A BAR FOR TALL PEOPLE?

HEY, NOW, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

[GROWLS]

AAH!

AAH!

THAT'S RIGHT.

I HAVE A PENIS.

SUCK IT! SUCK MY DICK!

[SIGHS]

THIS PARTY ROCKS.

CAN I GET YOU A REFILL, BRO?

YOU KNOW IT.

I'LL DRINK YOU UNDER THE TABLE, JENKINS.

CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

AHH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYONE'S MISSING THIS.

[GASPS] THERE'S SOMEONE NOW.

GET THE PADDLES!

HEY, JOHNNY.

HI, PAULA.

GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

WHERE IS EVERYONE?

OW!

FRATERNITY!

PAULA, ARE YOU OK?

YEAH. CAN I HAVE A SIP OF YOUR BEER?

SURE.

AHA! FRATERNITY!

GOSH, YOU'RE A LOT OF FUN, PAULA.

I KNOW.

DO YOU WANNA DANCE?

SURE.

Omar: FRATERNITY! MY BRAIN'S ON FIRE!

AHA! GOTCHA!

WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?

IT'S A SOUVENIR OF YOUR TRIP TO THE TALLS BATHROOM.

YOU CAN PUT IT IN A SCRAPBOOK, GIVE IT TO YOUR CHILDREN,

OR DESTROY IT.

EITHER WAY IT'S GONNA COST YOU $20.

I'M NOT PAYING FOR THAT.

WELL, I'LL JUST HAVE IT BLOWN UP, THEN,

AND PUT IT ON A BILLBOARD.

THIS IS BLACKMAIL!

AH, YOU KNEW THIS COULD HAPPEN WHEN YOU CAME IN HERE.

NOW PAY UP.

UH-HUH.

AH, THERE'S ONE BORN EVERY MINUTE.

EXCUSE ME, ISN'T THIS YOUR SECOND VISIT TO THE BATHROOM?

YEAH. SO WHAT?

I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

YOU'RE AFTER MY JOB!

WHAT?!

YOU'RE OPENING UP A BATHROOM ACROSS TOWN?

YOU'RE IN HERE TRYING TO STEAL MY IDEAS!

IS THERE A HIDDEN CAMERA IN HERE?

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

YOU HAVE A RÉSUMÉ?

THE LADIES ROOM NEEDS A MANAGER, YOU KNOW.

YOU EVER HEARD OF THE TERM "WET BRAIN?"

THERE'S NO NEED TO SUCK UP TO ME.

I OFFERED YOU THE JOB.

FORGET THE JOB. I'VE BEEN DRINKING ALL NIGHT!

AHH!

SWEET RELIEF.

WHAT THE--

JESUS!

HA HA! TAKE THAT!

[GRUNTS]

I'M GONNA REPORT THIS!

TO WHO? I'M THE BOSS.

MR. JENKINS, EVERYONE'S COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU.

AH, THEY'RE JUST JEALOUS.

I GIVE YOU ONE SIMPLE JOB,

AND YOU CAN'T EVEN DO THAT RIGHT.

WELL, IF IT'S SO EASY,

WHY DON'T YOU HANDLE THE BATHROOM?

BECAUSE IT'S NOT A REAL JOB!

IT'S JUST A PLACE TO STICK YOU

SO YOU DON'T EMBARRASS ME.

WELL, IT DIDN'T WORK, DID IT?

YOU GOT ME THERE.

I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO FIRE YOU INSTEAD.

YOU CAN'T FIRE ME. WE'RE PARTNERS.

SECURITY!

UNH!

YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!

I AM TALLS!

I HAD A GREAT TIME, JOHNNY,

BUT I HAVE A LOT OF OTHER PARTIES TO GO TO TONIGHT.

THANKS FOR COMING. WE'LL ROCK ON WITHOUT YOU.

I'M SURE PEOPLE WILL SHOW UP SOON.

OMAR, WE HAVE TO FACE FACTS.

NO ONE IS COMING TO OUR FRATERNITY BASH.

[SIGHS] YOU'RE RIGHT.

I GUESS THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO DO

BUT HAND OUT THE FLYERS FOR THE PARTY AND CALL IT A NIGHT.

YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T HAND OUT THE FLYERS?

WHAT DID I JUST SAY!

HONESTLY, I DON'T THINK WE'RE CUT OUT FOR FRATERNITY LIFE.

BUT, IN A WAY,

ISN'T LIFE ONE BIG FRATERNITY--

ALL OF US BROTHERS?

THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, OMAR.

THANK YOU.

IT CAME TO ME WHEN I WAS MAKING OUT WITH MY HAND.

I GUESS I HAD A FRATERNITY ALL ALONG,

WITH CLAY AND ANGUS AND GRANDMA AND DAD.

DON'T WORRY, JOHNNY,

I'M SURE THEY'LL TAKE YOU BACK

IF YOU LET THEM HAZE YOU ENOUGH.

I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

THE ONLY PROBLEMO

IS THAT MY POOR OLD GRAN IS GONNA START SMOKING AGAIN.

SURE, BUT YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER,

WHEN SHE STARTED SMOKING

IT WASN'T AS BAD FOR YOU AS IT IS TODAY.

I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY, OMAR. THANKS.

I FEEL A LOT BETTER NOW.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY?

DO YOU THINK THEY'LL TAKE YOU BACK?

YES, OF COURSE.

MY DAD NEEDS ME TO HELP CLEAN THE BELL TOWER.

WELL, HERE'S TO GOING BACK HOME.

I'M GONNA MISS THIS TAIL, THOUGH.

I HEAR YOU, BUDDY.

I MADE YOU, CLAY ZEEMAN!

I CAN BREAK YOU!

YOU'RE RIGHT, MR. JENKINS.

COME BACK.

OH. WELL, THANKS, CLAY.

I'M GLAD YOU CAME TO YOUR SENSES.

UHH--AAAAH! OOF!

[GROANS]

I NEVER GET TIRED OF THAT.

[PURRS]

YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS, CLAY.

YOU'RE GONNA PAY!

HEY, THANKS, CLAY, BUDDY. I HAD A GOOD TIME.

YEAH. THAT PARTY WAS HOT.

♪ YOU ARE A LOSER ♪

♪ A LOSER, A LOSER ♪

[SOBBING GROWLS]

♪ DON'T CRY FOR ME, ANGUSTINO ♪

♪ THE TRUTH IS I PLANNED THIS WHOLE THING ♪

♪ SO I COULD COLLECT... INSURANCE MONEY ♪

♪ I KEPT MY PROMISE ♪

♪ I'M EVEN RICHER ♪

Grandma: GOD, I KNOW I DON'T TALK TO YOU MUCH,

'CAUSE YOU'RE AN ABSENTEE LANDLORD!

SORRY ABOUT THAT. I...I DIDN'T MEAN IT.

PLEASE, DEAR GOD,

PLEASE HELP ME IN MY TIME OF TROUBLE.

GIVE ME A SIGN, AT LEAST, THAT YOU'RE LISTENING.

CIGARS, CIGARETTES, CANDY.

THANK YOU, GOD!

[EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE]

[ALL GASP]

GRANDMA! YOU'RE SMOKING!

GOD WANTED ME TO.

[GLASS BREAKS]

OK, EVERYONE, THIS IS A ROBBERY!

WAIT A SECOND, THAT VOICE, IT--

STANLEY?

FROM THE HOME PURCHASING NETWORK?

THAT'S RIGHT. I CAME HERE TO ROB YOU.

WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING.

WE'RE JUST A POOR COUNTRY FAMILY.

HEH! FINE!

BUT I DIDN'T COME HERE FOR NOTHING.

SAY YOUR PRAYERS, RABBITS!

HA HA HA HA HA!

AH, HA HA HA HA HA HA!

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