Original subtitles

PAULA DOESN'T NEED TO WEAR MAKEUP.

SHE'S SUPER-BEAUTIFUL ALL ON HER OWN.

[GASPS]

OH, HEY, JOHNNY.

UH, HI, PAULA.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY UNIBROW?

OH...I LOVE IT.

[CHUCKLES] THANKS.

IT MAKES ME FEEL WILD AND FREE,

JUST LIKE SALMA HAYEK IN FRIDA,

AND THAT'S HOW I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE,

NOW THAT I'M TAKING AN ART CLASS

AN ART CLASS, HUH?

YES. IT'S FANTASTIC.

WE'RE GONNA STUDY THE HUMAN FORM.

I LIKE TO DRAW.

IT'S NOT JUST DRAWING.

IT'S LOSING YOURSELF IN SOMEONE ELSE'S FLESH.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE, JOHNNY?

NO.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW?

YES, PAULA. YES, I WOULD!

LOSING YOURSELF IN SOMEONE ELSE'S FLESH

IS THE ULTIMATE IN SPIRITUAL AROUSAL.

DO YOU AGREE, JOHNNY?

I DO!

IT WILL BE THE CLIMAX OF MY ARTISTIC EXPRESSION.

DO YOU WANT TO CLIMAX WITH ME, JOHNNY?

YES!

THEN, LET'S DO IT!

OH, I'M READY, PAULA.

[PANTING] LET'S...CLIMAX!

OOH...

JOHNNY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IF YOU WANTED TO BE A NUDE MODEL,

ALL YOU HAD TO DO IS SAY SO.

NUDE MODEL?

YEAH. IT'S PERFECT TIMING

BECAUSE, ACTUALLY, MY ART CLASS NEEDS ONE

FOR THIS AFTERNOON.

THIS IS SOMETHING WE CAN DO TOGETHER.

I CAN DRAW YOU NAKED,

AND YOU CAN JUST STAND THERE.

HMM. GREAT. UHH.

OOH...

WHAT'S WRONG, MAMA?

IT'S NOT SOMETHING A MOTHER SHOULD DISCUSS WITH HER SON.

GOOD, BECAUSE I WANT TO WATCH SOME BASEBALL ANYWAY.

♪ TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME ♪

FINE! I'LL TELL YOU.

BUT DON'T BLAME ME IF IT MAKES YOU SQUIRM.

YOU SEE, DOUGIE,

MAMA LIKES A GOOD, DEEP DICKIN',

BUT LATELY, EVEN A GANG BANG CAN'T FILL THE VOID.

WHEN IN THE HELL DID I LOSE SIGHT OF LOVE?!

GET OUT OF THE WAY, MAMA.

DAMN IT!

WORK, DAMN IT! WORK!

I'M MISSIN' THE GAME.

YOU FORGOT TO PAY THE CABLE BILL AGAIN,

YOU IMBECILE.

YEAH, WELL, NOTHING'S GONNA STOP ME

FROM WATCHING THE BIG GAME.

Paula: JOHNNY, WE'RE WAITING.

YOU CAN TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF NOW.

ISN'T IT MORE OF A CHALLENGE

TO DRAW SOMEONE WITH THEIR CLOTHES ON?

NO.

SHOW US YOUR TITS!

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM NOW?

OH...NO PROBLEM.

Woman: JEEZ, THERE'S NOTHING TO DRAW.

WE'RE NOT DOING STICK FIGURES HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

[TAKES DEEP BREATH]

[STRAINING] HOW'S THIS?

Man: BOO!

[LAUGHTER]

AH...THE PERFECT CRIME.

Man: FREEZE! THIS IS THE POLICE.

COME DOWN WITH YOUR HANDS UP!

DAMN IT! YOU GOT ME.

WHOA! UNH!

HO!

OH, MY GOD, IT WORKS.

TODAY'S TOPIC, THE SINGLES SCENE.

HOW TO FIND THE PERFECT MATE.

FORGET THE PERFECT MATE.

I FOUND THE PERFECT... INMATE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I USED TO CRUISE THE BARS,

BUT I FOUND LOVE BEHIND THEM.

YOU MEAN, LIKE, BY THE DUMPSTER?

NO, SILLY WILLIE,

I MEAN INCARCERATED MEN MAKE GREAT PARTNERS.

THEY'RE DESPERATE, AND THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO,

SO THEY'LL PAY ATTENTION TO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY.

YOU'RE ONLY AN E-MAIL AWAY.

E-MAIL, HUH? HMM.

Man: IT'S LIKE HE JUST WENT SWIMMING.

YOU'RE DOING GREAT, JOHNNY.

Woman: HEY, JOHNNY, IS MR. TURTLE GONNA

COME OUT OF HIS SHELL TODAY?

NO, HE'S NOT!

YOU SCARED HIM AWAY.

Woman: HI, DEAN McHOOTY.

HELLO, CLASS. I'M HERE TO ANNOUNCE AN ART COMPETITION.

ONE STUDENT'S SKETCH WILL BE SELECTED

FROM THOUSANDS OF ENTRIES,

AND--AND WE'LL MAKE A STATUE OUT OF IT,

AND ERECT IT IN FRONT OF THE NEW ART BUILDING.

Students: HOORAY!

DEAN McHOOTY, WILL YOU CHECK MINE OUT FIRST?

OF COURSE, MA'AM.

DO YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?

YEAH. VERY MUCH SO.

IN FACT, YOU'VE WON THE COMPETITION.

CONSIDER THIS ART COMPETITION CLOSED.

Students: HOORAY!

UH, DEAR INMATE 427-926,

SO, YOU'RE LOOKIN' FOR A PEN PAL, HUH?

I'LL DO YOU ONE BETTER.

I'LL BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

SEE, I'VE BEEN LOOKIN' FOR LOVE

IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES,

BUT THE ONE PLACE I NEVER LOOKED

WAS JAIL.

TRADE IN YOUR CELLMATE FOR A SOUL MATE.

SINCERELY, DAMSEL OF DEPRESSED.

IN YOU GO, JENKINS.

FRESH MEAT.

OH, MY GOD, YOU HAVE CABLE!

THAT'S RIGHT, MEAT, WE DO.

I'M HARVEY.

I'M DOUG. YOU KNOW, I GOT LOCKED UP

FOR TRYING TO WATCH THIS GAME.

YEAH, I GOT LOCKED UP FOR CHOPPING UP 2 GUYS

WHO LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE YOU.

SMALL WORLD, HUH, ESE?

WHY'D YOU CHOP 'EM UP?

SO THEY'D FIT IN THE BAG.

MAKES SENSE.

HOW'D YOU GET ALL THESE SPACE-AGE GADGETS?

PEN PALS, BABY. PEN PALS.

I WRITE TO LONELY WOMEN, AND WHENEVER I GET RAPED,

THEY FEEL SORRY FOR ME, AND SEND ME MONEY.

OH, BOY. I HOPE I GET RAPED.

IT'S NOT AS FUN AS IT SOUNDS,

BUT IT SURE PAYS.

MAYBE I SHOULD GET A PEN PAL.

HERE, GUERO, YOU CAN HAVE THIS ONE.

I GOT TOO MANY ANYWAY.

I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO MAKE SHANKS NO MORE.

THANKS. WELL, LET'S SEE.

HERE'S ONE FROM DAMSEL OF DEPRESSED.

YOU POOR BIRD,

YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE SWEPT OFF YOUR FEET.

HOW DO YOU SPELL "WIENER"?

HEY, JOHNNY.

OH, HI, PAULA.

YOU MADE A FANTASTIC NUDE MODEL.

THANKS.

GUESS WHAT.

DEAN McHOOTY SAW MY SKETCH OF YOU

AND DECIDED TO TURN IT INTO A STATUE.

WHAT?!

[CRASH]

ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?!

JOHNNY, AREN'T YOU HAPPY FOR ME?

IT'S GOING UP IN FRONT OF THE ART BUILDING.

IT'S A REAL HONOR FOR ME.

BUT EVERYONE'S GOING TO SEE IT.

EXACTLY.

MY SKETCH WILL GO DOWN IN COCONUT COLLEGE HISTORY.

YIPPEE! [GIGGLES]

♪ SHAKE MY THING ♪

♪ BA NA NA NA NA NA ♪

♪ SHAKE MY THING, YEAH ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU KNOW I CAN ♪

♪ I'M GONNA SHAKE IT ♪

♪ SHAKE IT ♪

♪ SHAKE MY THING, 'CAUSE I CAN ♪

♪ YES, YOU CAN, YES, I CAN ♪

THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING TO ME.

I'M SUCH A GOOD BOY.

OHH, I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

"AND THAT IS WHY I NEED THE TiVo,

"BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY GAMES ON AT THE SAME TIME,

"AND I NEED TO WATCH 'EM.

PLUS, LIKE YOU, I'M ALSO TIRED OF MEANINGLESS SEX."

WOW, THIS GUY REALLY UNDERSTANDS ME.

"I WANT TO LOVE SOMEONE."

ME, TOO, 427-926.

ME, TOO! HEE HEE.

"SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE TAKE THIS

TO THE NEXT LEVEL?"

OH, YEAH.

I SOWED MY WILD OATS, AND I WANNA BE...

MONA--MONON-A-GON-ON-GA...

MONOGAGAMUS? MAGA--

MONOGAMOUS. FUCK!

"ATTACHED IS A PICTURE OF ME WORKIN' OUT IN THE YARD

"WITH A FRIEND.

"THAT'S ME ON THE BOTTOM.

"PLEASE SEND ME A PHOTO OF YOURSELF, AND A CHECK.

"AND REMEMBER, THE PLAYOFFS ARE COMIN'.

"AFFECTIONATELY, 427-926.

"P.S. I'M FALLIN' FOR YOU,

SO YOU CAN CALL ME HARVEY NOW."

OOH! HE'S FALLING FOR ME.

OK, NOW, LET'S CHECK OUT THE PHOTO.

OH, MY GOD, WHAT A STUD!

FUCK YOU, WORLD.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MY GENERATION!

[ANGUS SHOUTING INCOHERENTLY]

OH, HEY, JOHNNY.

WE WERE JUST PLAYING UNRULY ROCK STARS.

GRAB A GUITAR.

[SOBBING]

WHAT'S WRONG? YOU WANT TO PLAY BASS?

THEY'RE GONNA ERECT A NAKED STATUE OF ME

AT COCONUT COLLEGE.

[LAUGHING]

EXACTLY.

EVERYONE'S GONNA LAUGH AT ME.

EVERYONE LAUGHS AT YOU ANYWAY.

I THOUGHT YOU'D BE USED TO IT BY NOW.

THIS IS DIFFERENT. I'M NAKED.

PEOPLE WILL LAUGH AT MY PEE-PEE.

UNTIL YOU START CALLING IT A DICK,

NO ONE'S GONNA RESPECT YOU.

I'VE GOTTA STOP THAT STATUE FROM BEING ERECTED.

PLEASE HELP ME.

WELL, I HAVEN'T VANDALIZED ANYTHING

FOR SOME TIME NOW.

I DON'T KNOW. ANGUS, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

ARE YOU UP FOR DESTROYING SOME UNIVERSITY PROPERTY?

I'D SAY THAT'S A YES.

[CYNICAL LAUGH]

"DEAR HARVEY, THANK YOU FOR YOUR E-MAIL.

"BY THE LOOKS OF YOUR PHOTO,

"IT LOOKS LIKE JAIL AGREES WITH YOU.

"I WILL REMAIN CHASTE UNTIL YOUR RELEASE.

SALUTATIONS, HANDMAIDEN OF HAPPINESS."

LISTEN TO THAT. SHE CHANGED HER NAME.

"P.S. I'VE ATTACHED A PHOTO OF MYSELF.

HOPE YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE."

WOW, WHAT A HOT YOUNG BABE.

YEAH, SHE'LL PUT SOME CHEESE ON YOUR MEATBALLS.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I FIRST STARTED THIS THING,

IT WAS ABOUT FREE MONEY,

BUT OVER THE COURSE OF THIS AFTERNOON,

I'VE LEARNED THAT SOMETIMES YOU CAN FALL IN LOVE

WITH PEOPLE WHO GIVE YOU FREE MONEY.

COÑO, SOUNDS LIKE BEING A PEN PAL

GIVES YOU AS MUCH PLEASURE

AS SHANKIN' PEOPLE GIVES ME.

OW! I'VE BEEN SHANKED!

HARVEY!

OK, LET'S GO OVER THIS PLAN

ONE MORE TIME.

JOHNNY, ANGUS, AND I WILL GO FUCK UP THE STATUE--

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WHAT STATUE?

JESUS CHRIST!

WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS, LIKE, A MILLION TIMES!

WELL, WHY DON'T WE JUST PUT CLOTHES ON THE STATUE?

IT WOULD BE FUN, LIKE DRESSING UP DOLLS.

HERE'S THE NEW, SIMPLIFIED PLAN, OMAR.

YOU SIT HERE AND DO NOTHING UNTIL WE GET BACK.

OH, SURE, SIMPLE FOR YOU, MAYBE.

Computer: YOU'VE GOT PRISON MAIL!

HE WROTE ME BACK.

OH...

"MY LOVE FOR YOU GROWS STRONGER BY THE HOUR.

"YOU AND THE POSSIBILITY OF A COLORADO CHAMPIONSHIP

ARE THE ONLY THINGS KEEPING ME ALIVE."

DUDE SAYS ALL THE RIGHT THINGS.

"LIFE IN PRISON IS HARD,

"ALTHOUGH THERE IS A LOT OF BEAUTIFUL MAN-LOVE.

"ESPECIALLY SUNDAY NIGHTS AFTER QUEER AS FOLK.

AND DID I MENTION I DON'T HAVE TiVo?"

MY POOR BABY.

NO ONE IN AMERICA SHOULD MISS THEIR SHOWS.

[SEXY YOUNG VOICE] "I LONG FOR THE DAY THAT WE CAN CONSUMMATE OUR LOVE...

[NORMAL HARSH VOICE] "BUT FOR NOW I'LL JUST HAVE TO SETTLE

"FOR STIRRING UP MY OWN POT

[SEXY YOUNG VOICE] AS I LOOK AT YOUR BEAUTIFUL PICTURE."

AW. GUESS WHAT, HARVEY.

SHE MASTURBATES TO MY PICTURE.

SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT, MAN.

WHY DON'T YOU SET UP A CONJUGAL VISIT,

AND SHOW HER WHAT YOU LEARNED IN THE YARD?

I'M NOT GONNA HAVE TO BEAT HER UP FIRST, AM I?

NO, MAN, THEY GIVE YOU A ROOM AND SHIT.

MAN, JAIL JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER.

I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE. HEY HARVEY,

HOW LONG YOU IN FOR?

40 YEARS TO LIFE.

YOU LUCKY BASTARD.

I SHOULD HAVE CHOPPED SOMEONE UP.

[HUMMING]

[HUMMING]

[YAWNS, SIGHS, WHISTLES]

HE'S GONE. THERE'S THE STATUE.

Clay: ANGUS, GET THAT TORCH AWAY FROM MY BUTTHOLE!

WHAT'S GOIN' ON UNDERNEATH THAT TARP?

AAH!

AAH-HA-HAAAAA!

AAH! AAH!

[INSANE WAR CRY]

WHEE!

OMAR, START THE FUCKIN' CAR!

I'M A GENIUS.

UNLOCK THE DOOR!

LET US IN!

[GUARD SCREAMING]

HURRY, OMAR!

HANG ON. I THINK I'VE GOT IT.

[GUARD SCREAMING]

GOT IT.

"CONJUGAL VISIT."

MM-HMM, I LIKE IT A LOT.

I'M FINALLY GONNA MAKE LOVE TO SOMEONE

WHO REALLY CARES ABOUT ME.

NOT JUST BLOW STRANGERS.

"DEAR MR. FRISKY WHISKERS,

"I WOULD LOVE TO CONJUGATE WITH YOU.

"I SENT YOU A PIE WITH A SPECIAL FILLING.

[CHUCKLES] "OH, I CAN'T WAIT TO TASTE YOUR SPECIAL FILLING.

LOVE, IMPISHLY IMPATIENT."

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT "SPECIAL FILLING" MEANS?

IT'S CODE. CODE FOR APPLE.

MY GOD, THIS ISN'T APPLE.

IT'S MY FAVORITE CIGARS!

DAMN IT, MY CODE'S ALL SCREWED UP.

WHERE'S MY PRISON PIE DECODER RING?

I LOANED IT TO JIMMY TWO PIES.

OH, WELL, THAT'S OK, THEN.

JIMMY TWO PIES NEEDS IT MORE THAN I DO.

WANT A CIGAR?

CLARO.

MY SHITHEAD SON WON'T EVEN MISS THESE.

WHEN HARVEY MOVES IN,

I THINK HE'LL BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR DOUGIE.

YOU KNOW, STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT.

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, JOHNNY.

YOUR FRIEND BLOWMAR BLEW OUR WHOLE PLAN.

WELL, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD HIM

TO START THE CAR.

AND YOU'RE THE ONE WHO LOOKS PATHETIC NAKED.

WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?

Doug: HOME RUN!

HEY, THERE'S MY DAD.

HI, DADDY!

Prisoner: WHO'S YOUR DADDY, BITCH?!

HEY, SON. I KNEW YOU'D END UP IN JAIL

'CAUSE YOU'RE A LOSER!

JOHNNY, HE'S CALLING YOU OUT.

HE'S TRYING TO PUNK YOU.

DON'T LET HIM DO IT.

YOU CAN'T SHOW ANY WEAKNESS IN JAIL.

BUT HE'LL KILL ME.

HOW? HE'S BEHIND BARS.

OK. I'LL TRY.

♪ YOU LOOK STUPID ♪

HEH HEH HEH. HEY, DADDY,

YOU LOOK STUPID! [PRISONERS LAUGHING]

JOHNNY, YOU'RE DEAD MEAT!

GUARD, OPEN UP.

I WANT TO GIVE MY SON A BEATING!

I WAS JUST JOKING, DAD.

HEY, IF YOU BACK DOWN NOW, YOU'LL ALWAYS BE HIS BITCH.

TAKE IT FURTHER.

IF YOU SAY SO.

DRINKING A PINT OF SCOTCH EVERY NIGHT

DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE NOT A FAILURE!

THE HELL IT DOESN'T!

GODDAMN IT, I NEED A DRINK.

IT'S NOT GONNA WORK THIS TIME, DAD.

THERE'S NO SCOTCH IN JAIL!

ACTUALLY, THERE'S A VERY FINE SELECTION.

[SLURRING WORDS] JOHNNY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?

YOU COME TO VISIT ME, SON?

AW, THAT'S MY BOY.

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

THANKS, DAD.

THANK YOU, JOHNNY.

THANK YOU FOR BEING MY BOY.

[SNIFFLES]

HEY, YOUR SON HAS GOT QUITE A NOSE ON HIM, HUH?

I THINK BOTH OF MY NUTS WOULD FIT PERFECT--

WHO'S THERE?!

[RINGING]

WELL, TODAY'S THE BIG DAY!

I AIN'T NEVER DONE IT IN A PRISON.

YOU READY DOWN THERE?

OH, WELL, I'LL OIL UP BEFORE I GO.

TIME TO CHANGE MY UNDERWEAR...

PUT ON THE SEXY STUFF FOR MY HARVEY.

[SNIFFING]

THESE CAN GO BACK IN THE DRAWER.

SHIT, THESE ARE ALL DIAPERS!

[LAUGHING]

YEAH...HEH HEH HEH.

OH, MAN, THIS INSIPID, DERIVATIVE

SLAPDASH ASSEMBLAGE OF DISCORDANT HUES

AND PERSPECTIVES, MAN, IS AN INSULT TO THE EYES,

AND A LAXATIVE TO THE SOUL.

I POOH-POOH THIS MURAL.

Clay: LOOKS LIKE HE'LL BE OUT FOR A WHILE.

YEAH...

WHAT'S WRONG NOW?

I JUST WISH I COULD TALK TO OMAR--

TELL HIM TO DESTROY THE STATUE

BEFORE THE UNVEILING.

KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.

OH, THANKS, CLAY!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HEY, OMAR. HI, JOHNNY. HOW'S JAIL?

NEVER MIND. I NEED YOU

TO GO DESTROY THE STATUE.

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DESTROY.

I'M ALL ABOUT LOVE.

WORD. BUT DO IT FOR ME.

JUST PRETEND YOU'RE THE CORONA BROTHERS

AND THE STATUE IS YOU.

OH, LIKE, BEAT IT UP?

YES!

ALL RIGHT, JOHNNY, I'LL GET ON IT

AS SOON AS I FIGURE OUT WHERE I AM.

I'M A LITTLE TURNED AROUND AT THE MOMENT.

[CRASH]

IT'S ALL TAKEN CARE OF.

WHEW. WHAT A RELIEF.

NOW I CAN JUST SIT BACK, RELAX,

AND ENJOY MY SENTENCE.

JENKINS, YOU GOT A VISITOR.

YOU GOT THIS?

UH, CERTAINLY. RIGHT THIS WAY.

UH, THIS IS FOR YOUR GREAT, GREAT GRANDDAUGHTER, RIGHT?

NO, MISSY, IT'S FOR ME!

[GIGGLES, SIGHS]

OH, YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE CRAZY OLD LADIES

WHO THINKS THEY'RE YOUNG AND SHIT, RIGHT?

JUST GIMME THAT!

THE CORONA BROTHERS, HUH?

"OMAR, YOU DUMBSHIT,

"I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS EVERY DAY!

"I'M GONNA SAW YOUR HEAD OFF UNTIL IT FALLS OFF!

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?!"

I'M ONE SEXY MAMA!

OH, MY GOD!

YOUR BRA STRAP'S GONNA BLOW!

IT'S NOT A LOAD-BEARING BRA!

OW!

SHIT, IT NEVER HIT THE GROUND BEFORE.

UH, A LITTLE HELP?

FINE! I'LL GO GET THE STOCK BOYS,

YOU SLOPPY OLD CRAZY BITCH!

OH!

HI, PAULA.

JOHNNY, THEY TOLD ME YOU TRIED

TO DEFACE MY STATUE,

BUT I DIDN'T BELIEVE THEM.

TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE.

WOULD IT REALLY BE SO BAD IF I DID?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

IS IT SO BAD GETTING STABBED IN THE BACK

BY YOUR BEST FRIEND?

IS THAT SO BAD?! YOU TELL ME.

WE WEREN'T SUCCESSFUL.

YOUR STATUE'S FINE.

WHY DID YOU WANT TO RUIN IT ANYWAY?

YOU DON'T THINK I'M A GOOD ARTIST?

IS THAT IT?

OF COURSE NOT. [SOBS]

I WAS EMBARRASSED TO BE NAKED.

DON'T LIE TO ME.

WHEN YOU GOT THAT ERECTION

AT THE THOUGHT OF MODELING NUDE,

YOU TOLD THE WORLD HOW MUCH YOU WANTED IT.

YOU'RE A BIG FAT LIAR, JOHNNY JENKINS!

CLAY, GIVE ME YOUR PHONE.

I'VE GOTTA STOP OMAR FROM DEFACING THE STATUE.

KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.

OMAR! OH, HEY, JOHNNY.

DID YOU DEFACE THAT STATUE YET?

I'M ALMOST DONE.

I'M DEFACING IT AS WE SPEAK, MY FRIEND.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU LISTEN

TO MY NEXT SENTENCE, OMAR?

AAH! I'VE BEEN SHANKED!

HA HA!

THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO CALL YOUR OLD MAN STUPID!

DARN IT! NOW PAULA'S NEVER GONNA FORGIVE ME.

YOU GUYS ARE FREE TO GO.

BUT WHY?

WELL, THE MAXIMUM SENTENCE

FOR GETTING CAUGHT UNDER A TARP

IS 4 HOURS IN THE STATE PENITENTIARY.

YOU PAID YOUR DEBT TO SOCIETY.

THIS IS GREAT!

WE COULD STILL GET TO THE UNVEILING IN TIME

TO STOP OMAR.

Guard: YOU'RE FREE TO GO, TOO.

IN FACT, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE 2 DAYS AGO.

STEALING CABLE IS ONLY A 2-DAY STINT.

WE OWE YOU A 2-DAY CRIME.

I DON'T WANNA GO.

YOU GUYS HAVE GOT THE SPORTS PACKAGE.

I'LL MISS ALL THE GAMES.

HOW MUCH WOULD ARGUING WITH THE GUARD GET ME?

AN EXTRA COUPLE OF DAYS.

NO, IT WON'T. YES, IT WILL.

NO, IT WON'T. THAT'S IT. BACK YOU GO.

THANKS. I WILL NOTE THAT "THANKS."

SHAVE SOME TIME OFF YOUR SENTENCE. DAMN IT!

HOME RUN!

HEY, HARVEY, YOUR CONJUGAL'S HERE.

OOH, THAT'S MINE.

YOU GUYS ARE SWAPPIG CONJUGALS NOW?

AW, THAT'S CUTE.

Dean McHooty: INSULT TO THE EYES,

AND A LAXATIVE TO THE SOUL.

I POOH-POOH THIS MURAL.

GRR...

THIS IS YOUR ROOM.

HARVEY WILL BE HERE IN A MINUTE.

FANTASTIC!

I'LL JUST TURN OFF THE LIGHTS FOR YOU.

MAYBE YOU'LL HAVE A BETTER SHOT.

EAT SHIT, TURNKEY.

[CHUCKLING CYNICALLY]

McHooty: HEY, IT'S THE VANDALIZER.

YOUR CROP CIRCLE SUCKS, FUCK FACE!

[CHATTERING ANGRILY]

DON'T GET EXCITED...

[HOLDING BREATH] HAVE SOME OF THAT.

[BELL RINGS]

IN THIS CORNER,

THE SIRE OF SECOND GUESSES,

THE KNIGHT OF NEEDINESS,

THE PHARAOH OF FEAR,

UNCERTAIN ANGUS!

[FRIGHTENED GROANS]

AND IN THE CORNER TO MY LEFT,

THE MONARCH OF MIDDLE FINGERS,

THE DUKE OF DON'T GIVE A SHIT,

THE BARON OF BALLS,

COCKSURE ANGUS!

[GRUNTS]

ALL RIGHT, NOW, I WANT A CLEAN FIGHT.

[BOTH GRUNTING, CHATTERING]

ANGUS, DON'T LET HIM UNDERMINE YOU.

IT'S NOT IMPORTANT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK,

ESPECIALLY THAT LARDASS DEAN McHOOTY.

TAKE IT FROM ME, WHEN I WAS 4 YEARS OLD,

I COULDN'T EVEN DUNK A BASKETBALL,

BUT I KEPT TRYING.

BY THE TIME I WAS 6,

I WAS DOIN' WINDMILLS OVER GUYS

THREE TIMES MY SIZE.

IF HE GETS ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR BELT,

YOU FALL DOWN IN PAIN.

THEY'LL TAKE A POINT AWAY FROM HIM.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS THAT YOU COME AWAY WITH A WIN,

NO MATTER HOW CHEAP THE VICTORY IS.

PULL YOUR TRUNKS UP HIGHER!

A POINT'S A POINT.

WHAT KIND OF FERRET TO YOU WANT TO BE?

AN ASS KICKER OR A PUSSY?

[BOTH GROANING]

UNH!

COME ON, ANGUS, FUCK HIM UP!

[GROANS]

[STRAINING]

I NEVER KNEW THE CORONA BROTHERS

HAD IT SO TOUGH.

SAWING MY HEAD OFF IS HARD WORK.

I SHOULD SEND THOSE GUYS A MUFFIN BASKET.

OMAR?

HOLD ON. I'M ALMOST DONE.

THERE YOU GO, JOHNNY.

I DID IT. I SAVED THE DAY!

NICE.

JOHNNY, LET'S GO.

YOU DON'T WANT TO BE HERE WHEN THE STATUE IS UNVEILED.

THE LAUGHTER WILL BE DEAFENING.

BUT I WANT TO BE HERE

TO SHARE PAULA'S BIG MOMENT WITH HER.

OK. IF WE STAY, YOU BETTER BRACE YOURSELF.

McHooty: WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO THE UNVEILING

OF COCONUT COLLEGE'S FIRST STATUE

DESIGNED BY OUR VERY OWN FRESHMAN

PAULA WISCONSIN.

[APPLAUSE]

AND NOW FOR THE UNVEILING.

[ALL GASP]

[CHEERING]

IT'S RESPLENDENT, MAN.

A TRIUMPH OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT.

I MEAN, IT COMPLETELY TRANSCENDS

THAT CRAP SKETCH OF PAULA'S.

TA-DA!

THAT'S NOT MY FACE. I'M SAVED.

JOHNNY, I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING NOW.

YOU WEREN'T TRYING TO DEFACE IT.

YOU WERE TRYING TO IMPROVE IT.

YOU'RE A REAL ARTIST.

YOU DESERVE THIS.

WE'RE BOTH SALMA HAYEK NOW--

WILD AND FREE!

GO GET 'EM, JENKINS.

I'M COMIN' FOR YOU, BABY!

[PASSIONATE MOANING, KISSING, GRUNTING]

Doug: SOMETHING TASTES UNHOLY.

Grandma: DOUGIE?

MAMA?

AAH! AAH!

YOU'RE NOT HARVEY.

AND YOU'RE NOT A LINGERIE MODEL!

THIS WAS JUST A CRAZY MIX-UP.

BUT, MAMA, WE WERE...KISSING.

YEAH, WELL, I'M SURE YOUR MOUTH HAS BEEN

A LOT WORSE PLACES.

I KNOW MINE HAS.

THAT WAS QUICK.

YOU EVEN GET YOUR PICKLE INTO HER JAR?

NO...IT WAS MY MAMA.

THAT'S HOT.

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