Original subtitles

[DYING TROLL NOISES]

HA HA!

YOU SHOULD HAVE GIVEN YOUR TROLL MORE STAMINA, ANGUS.

EH! ARRGH.

SORE LOSER.

GET ME ANOTHER BEER.

EH-EH.

WINNERS TALK, LOSERS WALK.

NOW, GO GET THE BEER.

GIMME THAT!

[BELCH]

NICE.

[BELCH]

NICE.

YEAH, RIGHT.

I WISH THE COUCH WOULD JUST ROLL OVER TO THE FRIDGE.

THEN I WOULD BE WILLING TO REACH FOR THE BEER,

BUT THE WALK AND THE REACH COMBO IS FOR POOR PEOPLE.

THERE'S GOTTA BE AN EASIER WAY.

LET'S SEE WHAT WE GOT.

HOLD ON, ANGUS.

IT'S NOT AS GOOD AS IT LOOKS.

WE'D STILL HAVE TO LEAN INTO THEM.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. WE'LL GET IT.

LEANING IS GOOD FOR THE OLD PELVIS,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

YOU GOT IT, BRO!

DECLINED?

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT?

FINE. THERE'S PLENTY WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

DECLINED?

DECLINED?

DECLINED?! I'LL CHECK THE ACCOUNTS.

YOU'RE RIGHT, ANGUS.

MY ACCOUNTANT'S GETTING A PHONE CALL.

HEY, ALAN, WHAT THE FUCK?

CLAY.

YOUR ACCOUNTS HAVE BEEN FROZEN BY THE IRS.

THERE'S TOO MUCH COOKING THE BOOKS.

WHY DO YOU THINK I'M IN JAIL?

JAIL?

YES, IT'S NICE.

WAITER! ANOTHER PIÑA COLADA.

AHEM! ANYWAY, CLAY, YOU BETTER GET A LAWYER.

I ALREADY HAVE A LAWYER. I'M CALLING HIM RIGHT NOW.

DON'T BOTHER. HE'S RIGHT HERE.

HEY, CLAY, YOU'RE UP A CREEK,

BUT IF YOU'RE CONVICTED THIS WEEKEND,

YOU MIGHT STILL MAKE IT FOR THE LUAU.

FUCK THE LUAU. I'M NOT GOING TO JAIL,

NO MATTER HOW GREAT IT IS.

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SELL EVERYTHING,

GET A JOB LIKE A NORMAL PERSON,

OR YOU CAN COME TO THE LUAU.

YOU USELESS SONS OF BITCHES!

LIKE A...NORMAL...PERSON?

YEAH. DOMESTIC.

YUM.

IT'S A GREAT DAY HERE AT COGS AND WIDGETS.

HOLD, PLEASE.

GREAT DAY HERE AT COGS AND WIDGETS. HOLD, PLEASE.

IT'S A GREAT DAY HERE AT COGS AND WIDGETS.

HOLD, PLEASE.

4...5...6.

ONLY 38 MORE PAYMENTS,

AND WE CAN TAKE IT HOME, ANGUS!

YOU CAN ALSO HAVE THE REMOTE FOR ANOTHER $20.

I DON'T NEED IT. I LIKE TO GET UP AND WALK.

IT'S GOOD FOR MY LEGS.

[SHUDDERS] OOH...

GOTTA GET MY MONEY BACK...

OTHERWISE, I'LL HAVE TO BUY ALL-NEW PANTS.

GONNA FIGHT THE IRS.

WE'RE GONNA FIGHT 'EM.

BUT WE'LL NEED SOME CASH TO TIDE US OVER.

LET'S GO.

GOOD MORNING, MAMA.

HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?

DON'T TAUNT ME LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW DAMN WELL I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M DOING!

I'M SURE YOU'RE FINE, GRANDMA.

YEAH? WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE THE SON OF AN IDIOT,

AND YOU GO TO SCHOOL FOR IDIOTS.

DOCTOR SAID YOU LOOKED ALL RIGHT.

OF COURSE SHE DID. I HAPPEN TO LOOK GREAT.

LISTEN, WE WON'T REALLY KNOW ANYTHING

UNTIL MY TESTS COME BACK.

I DON'T KNOW.

AT MY AGE, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT COULD GO WRONG.

I COULD BE ROTTING FROM THE INSIDE OUT FOR ALL I KNOW.

OH, GOD!

THE DOCTOR WILL MAKE YOU BETTER, MAMA. I KNOW SHE WILL.

HEY, GRANDMA, MAYBE THESE WILL HELP.

WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE, VITAMINS?

NO! THEY'RE MAGIC BEANS.

YOU DUNCE! HOW MUCH WERE THEY?

$49.

WHAT?!

YOU GO RETURN THEM RIGHT NOW!

I CAN'T. THE GYPSY WHO SOLD THEM TO ME

FLEW AWAY HIGH UP INTO THE SKY.

ALL RIGHT, ANGUS, LET'S FIND SOME CRAP TO SELL.

HEY, CHECK OUT THOSE ROCKS.

THEY'RE OUR TICKET TO EASY STREET.

BAG 'EM, ANGUS.

GIMME THOSE BEANS!

NEVER!

JOHNNY, MR. JENKINS.

HEY, CLAY.

TODAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY.

YOU'RE LOOKIN' GOOD.

MR. JENKINS, I'M STRAIGHT.

CAME HERE TO OFFER YOU AND JOHNNY

THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME.

I'M IN, I'M IN!

I KNEW WE'D BE PARTNERS SOMEDAY, CLAY.

WELL, AS MUCH AS I WOULD LOVE TO BE PARTNERS...

WITH AN EXPERIENCED SALESMAN SUCH AS YOURSELF,

I JUST CAN'T.

YOU'RE TOO VALUABLE TO ME AS AN EMPLOYEE TO BE MY PARTNER.

GEE WHIZ. THANKS.

DOUGIE! DOUGIE, DON'T LEAVE ME.

[PANTING] I'M DYING!

BUTT OUT, OLD LADY. I'M RUNNIN' THINGS.

OH, SNAP.

OH, NO, YOU DIDN'T!

OW!

AW, COME ON.

CAN YOU PUT A PRICE TAG ON A PERSON'S PEACE OF MIND?

NO. 'CAUSE IT'S INVISIBLE.

RIGHT, ASSMAR. PEACE OF MIND IS INVISIBLE.

BUT THIS ANCIENT TIBETAN HEALING ROCK IS NOT.

WHICH IS A GOOD SELLING POINT.

I KNOW, 'CAUSE I'M IN SALES.

THESE TIBETAN HEALING ROCKS

HAVE ANCIENT TIBETAN HEALING POWERS!

THEY CAN HEAL ANYTHING.

YOU SEE, GUYS, IT'S LIKE THIS.

ON THE ONE HAND, YOU GOT YOUR CHI,

IN THE OTHER HAND, YOU GOT YOUR CHAKRAS.

AND THE ROCKS BRING THAT SHIT TOGETHER

AND MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. IT'S FUCKIN' MYSTICAL.

WOW!

WOW!

IT'S OUR DUTY TO GET THESE ROCKS

TO THE PEOPLE WHO NEED THEM MOST...

FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF $100 A ROCK.

THINK OF IT AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, LIKE A GARBAGE MAN.

OOH!

OOH!

HOW DO WE KNOW WHO TO CALL?

JUST CALL PEOPLE IN THE PHONE BOOK.

I'M TIRED OF EXPLAINING THIS SHIT TO YOU GUYS.

I GOTTA GO OUT AND FIND SOME MORE ROCKS.

JOHNNY, YOU'RE IN CHARGE.

[SNARLING]

I WANT ALL THESE ROCKS SOLD

BY THE TIME I GET BACK.

OK, TEAM. YOU HEARD HIM!

THERE ARE SICK PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO NEED THESE ROCKS!

WE'RE THEIR ONLY HOPE!

SO LET'S HIT THE PHONES AND DO SOME GOOD.

YEAH. WHERE'S THE LIQUOR CABINET?

WHOA, LOOK AT THAT TV!

LEWIS, WHAT'S UP WITH THE IRS?

WE'RE ALL DONE HERE.

AND...

AND WE'RE GONNA KICK BACK NOW.

TELL ME WHO THE AGENT IS AND WHERE TO FIND HIM.

YOUR MAN IS HERB STERLY.

YOU WANT ME TO SPELL THAT?

[SIGHS] OK. GO

IF THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH ME,

I'LL SUE THE TOBACCO COMPANIES.

[COUGH COUGH]

AND THE PESTICIDE COMPANIES

AND THE BASTARD WHO INVENTED FRENCH FRIES.

HOW COULD SOMETHING SO BAD FOR YOU TASTE SO GOOD?

[RING]

DON'T HELLO ME, DOCTOR.

I'M A DYING OLD LADY!

JUST GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT.

HUH?

A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE?

CHLAMYDIA?

HALLELUJAH!

I'M GONNA LIVE!

OF COURSE, I'M GONNA HAVE TO BUY NEW UNDERWEAR.

WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

EVERYONE I'VE HAD SEX WITH IN THE LAST 6 MONTHS?

JESUS CHRIST! WHAT A HUMILIATION!

[SIGHS]

YEAH. I UNDERSTAND, DOCTOR.

BUT, UH...YOU BETTER PUT YOUR HUSBAND ON THE PHONE

AND GO WASH OUT YOUR COOCHIE.

THIS IS THAT RAT HERB STERLY'S HOUSE.

RRR! RRR!

YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOUR CHANCE, LITTLE BUDDY.

HEY, GUYS, COME ON IN.

I'M JUST PUTTING UP MY CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS

5 MONTHS EARLY.

WELL, WE DON'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU.

WE JUST WANT TO BRIBE YOU.

I'M SORRY.

DID YOU JUST SAY YOU WANTED TO BRIBE ME, CLAY ZEEMAN?

YES, I DID.

ONE MORE TAKE, WITH FEELING, THIS TIME.

THERE WAS PLENTY OF FEELIN' IN THAT LAST ONE.

I FUCKIN' NAILED IT.

HA HA. THAT'S ALL I NEED...

AND I GOT IT ALL ON TAPE.

THANKS, AND MERRY CHRISTMAS.

THANKS TO YOUR CASE,

I'M THE I.R.S EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.

HOORAY!

AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I'VE NEVER MET AN ASSHOLE CRIPPLE BEFORE.

USUALLY, THEY'RE SO NICE.

Dad: IT'S A TANZANIAN HEALING ROCK FROM PORTLAND.

JUST BUY IT.

IT'S $100. WHO CAN'T AFFORD $100?

WELL, WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?

YOU KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THEIR CREDIT CARDS?

WELL, CHECK HER PURSE.

HEY, DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE.

NO, YOU'RE FAT!

NO, YOU'RE FAT!

NO, YOU'RE FAT!

HOW'S IT GOIN'?

NO, YOU SHUT UP.

NO, YOU SHUT UP!

NO, YOU SHUT UP! SHUT UP TIMES A MILLION!

OHH, DAMN IT!

INFINITY.

SHOULDA SEEN IT COMING.

EVERYTHING OK, DAD?

YEAH, I ALMOST HAD THE LITTLE BASTARD.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD FOCUS ON GROWNUPS.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD MIND YOUR BUSINESS.

I BEEN FEEDIN' THIS FAMILY SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.

NOW DON'T TELL ME HOW TO MAKE A BUCK, SON.

LUNCH TIME!

TIBETAN HEALING ROCKS. HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

WELL, I WAS WONDERING,

DO YOU GUYS BUY TIBETAN HEALING ROCKS?

ACTUALLY, WE SELL THEM.

OH, REALLY? HOW MUCH?

OMAR?

HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?

IT'S ME, YOUR BEST FRIEND.

QUINCY?

NO...

ARMAND?

OMAR...

YOUR BEST FRIEND!

QUINCY?

IT'S ME, JOHNNY!

WHO?

OMAR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M TALKING TO SOME WHACK JOB NAMED JOHNNY.

UH, HELLO, ROBERT?

IT'S SYLVIA.

OH, YEAH, WELL,

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO CALL YOU, TOO, HON.

HOW'S YOUR MOVIE POSTER COLLECTION?

OH. GOOD. GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.

WELL, UH, AHEM, I, UM,

I HAVE SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFICULT TO TELL YOU.

I MEAN, IT'S A LITTLE AWKWARD.

WELL, UM, LET'S SEE...

I HAVE WHAT THEY CALL AN S.T.D.

[ROBERT SCREAMS]

ALL RIGHT, STOP SCREAMING, OK?!

IT WAS IRRESPONSIBLE,

BUT YOU KNEW I PLAYED THE FIELD WHEN WE GOT INVOLVED!

LISTEN, UH, WHY DON'T WE GET TOGETHER TO TALK THIS OUT?

I MEAN, FUCK IT,

WE'RE BOTH INFECTED ALREADY, SO WHAT THE HELL?

LET'S SEE, UH, WHO'S NEXT?

OH, NO, I DON'T WANNA TALK TO THIS GUY AGAIN.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

[RASPS] HELLO?

UH, GLUG GLUG? IS THAT YOU?

[HYPERVENTILATES] I'M SO HAPPY YOU CALLED!

GLUG GLUG MISS YOU.

OH, GOD.

GLUG GLUG, LISTEN UP,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR.

[SOBS] NO DOCTOR!

NO DOCTOR!

OH, GOD, WHY DIDN'T I MAKE HIM WEAR A CONDOM?

ECCH!

WELL, I'LL NEVER GO BAREBACK AGAIN,

I'LL TELL YA THAT ONE.

[GRUNTS]

FIRST WE CUT HIM OFF FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD,

THEN HE'LL PLAY BALL.

[WHISTLES]

AAH!

WHERE'D MY RAMP GO?

LISTEN, IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE THAT RAMP AGAIN,

YOU'LL GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK.

OK, OK, JUST HELP ME UP AND WE'LL GO TO MY COMPUTER.

I HATE BEING ALL HELPLESS ON THE FLOOR LIKE THIS.

FINE.

AAH!

YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD!

YOU SHOULD JOIN MY WHEELCHAIR LEAGUE.

HA HA! THANKS AGAIN, CLAY!

OHH, MY NUTS!

I FEEL SO MUCH MORE INDEPENDENT WITHOUT THAT RAMP.

THIS IS THE HAPPIEST WEEK OF MY LIFE!

ZIPPIDY DOO-DAH!

SIAMESE TWINS, HUH?

OH, SO THEY'RE JOINED AT THE NECK?

HMM, THAT'S A TOUGH ONE

BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE IF THE HEALING ROCK WOULD WORK.

IT MIGHT MAKE ONE OF THEM DISAPPEAR.

WELL, DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE?

JUST TO BE SAFE,

YOU BETTER KEEP THE ROCK AWAY FROM HER.

ONLY $100 EACH.

DARN IT.

THAT ROCK WOULD'VE HELPED ONE OF THOSE GIRLS OUT A LOT.

OH, WELL...

HELLO, ARE YOU CONSTANTLY WISHING THAT ROCKS

COULD HEAL YOU INSTEAD OF DOCTORS?

WHAT DOES JOHNNY KNOW ABOUT SALES?

HE COULDN'T SELL BANANAS TO A MONKEY.

MONKEYS HAVE MONEY?

WHERE DO THEY KEEP IT?

YOU'RE MISSIN' THE POINT.

JOHNNY'S ON A HUGE POWER TRIP.

SOMEONE'S GOTTA KNOCK HIM OFF HIS PEDESTAL.

HEY, GUYS!

SETTLE DOWN. WE'RE JUST TAKIN' A BREAK,

BUT DON'T WORRY, WE'LL BE HARD AT WORK SOON, BOSS.

WELL, GUESS WHAT?

I SOLD A ROCK!

AND YOU CAME HERE TO THROW IT

IN YOUR OLD MAN'S FACE, HUH?

NO, DAD, I DIDN'T--

OMAR!

YOU WANT SOME MORE, YOU BIG-HEADED FREAK?!

MR. JENKINS, NO! I'M NOT JOHNNY! I'M OMAR!

WELL, GET UP, OMAR. FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED!

STAY DOWN, OMAR!

PUSSY.

OMAR, DO YOU REALLY THINK I HAVE A BIG HEAD?

NO, JUST A BULBOUS NOSE.

OK, "TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,

"SOMETIMES LOVE HAS STICKY CONSEQUENCES.

"IF YOUR THING STARTS TO SPROUT,

"GET IT CHECKED OUT.

LOVE AND KISSES, SYLVIA JENKINS."

THANKS, RUNNING TREE,

AND THERE'S 2 MORE SACKS ON THE WAY.

AND I'M--I'M REALLY SORRY, RUNNING TREE.

WELL, AT LEAST I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON NOW.

WE'LL SMOKE HIM OUT.

COME ON OUT NOW, HERB. YOU LOSE.

HE SHOULD HAVE COME OUT BY NOW.

YOU'RE RIGHT, ANGUS.

IF WE KILL HIM, WE'RE NEVER GETTIN' OUT OF JAIL.

MR. STERLY!

Herb: OH, MY GOD. POISON GAS!

[CLAY AND ANGUS COUGH]

WHAT ARE YOU... [COUGHS]

DOIN' OUT HERE?

MY HOUSE WAS TEEMING WITH GIANT INSECTS.

I WENT TO GET SOME BUG SPRAY,

BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GUYS DID A MUCH MORE THOROUGH JOB.

THANK YOU.

AAH!

HA HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA HA!

DAD, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

HIS EYE IS TOTALLY CLOSED!

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO.

I'M GONNA GO SELL SOME OF THESE HEALING ROCKS.

THAT'S IT!

LET'S USE ONE OF THE ROCKS TO HEAL OMAR!

TYPICAL.

MY BOSS STEALS MY IDEA

AND THEN HE ACTS LIKE HE CAME UP WITH IT.

YOU'RE GONNA BE OK, OMAR.

YAY!

HERE WE GO, PETUNIA.

OW! PLEASE, NO MORE ROCK ON EYE!

NO MORE ROCK ON EYE!

WE'RE TRYIN' TO HELP YOU.

STOP YOUR BELLYACHIN'!

HANG IN THERE, OMAR.

I'M SURE THE HEALING POWERS OF THE HEALING ROCK

WILL BE KICKING IN SHORTLY.

BUT IT REALLY HURTS.

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

WE MUST NOT BE DOIN' IT RIGHT.

DOES THIS FEEL BETTER?

AAH! AAH! AAH!

DAD, MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP.

[WHIMPERS]

OHH. OH...

"USE THE ROCK, STOP USIN' THE ROCK,"

I AM SO SICK OF YOU BOSSIN' ME AROUND.

OW!

OH, MY GOD!

THESE ROCKS CAUSE NOTHING BUT PAIN.

I DON'T THINK THESE ARE HEALING ROCKS AT ALL.

YOU'RE DARN TOOTIN'!

SO CLAY HAD US SELLING PHONY ROCKS

FOR $100 APIECE?

I KNEW THAT KID HAD VISION.

I CAN'T BELIEVE CLAY WOULD DO THAT,

BUT THE PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING

THAT IS NOW OMAR'S BLUDGEONED FACE.

I CAN'T BE A PART OF THIS,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO LET CLAY DOWN.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I KNOW!

I'LL ASK MY MAGIC BEANS!

FORGET YOUR BEANS!

I'M IN CHARGE NOW BECAUSE I'M THE BIGGEST.

I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A SCAM.

WE'RE GONNA SELL THESE ROCKS

AND WE'RE GONNA MAKE CLAY PROUD AND SUCK UP TO HIM

'CAUSE HE'S RICH, GODDAMN IT,

AND THAT STILL MEANS SOMETHING IN THIS COUNTRY!

NOW, LET'S GO!

YES, SIR!

UH, YEAH.

NOW, I NEED YOU TO TELL ALL THE PASSENGERS

OF FLIGHT 692--

IT WAS GOING FROM DENVER TO VEGAS. YEAH.

THEY ALL NEED TO BE NOTIFIED.

H-HANG ON--

[SWEET TONE] OH, HELLO, REVEREND.

YOU GOT MY MESSAGE? YEAH.

WELL, YOU SHOULD CLEAN OUT THE CONFESSIONAL

JUST TO BE SAFE. [CHUCKLES]

I GOTTA GO.

HELLO?

I WANT TO SEND A TELEGRAM.

DEAR ADMIRAL HAWK, STOP.

I GAVE YOU VD, STOP.

ENJOY THE NORTH ATLANTIC, STOP.

WELL, ANGUS,

MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR US TO ADMIT THAT WE'RE BEAT.

THAT HERB STERLY IS ONE TOUGH MOTHER.

[GROWLS]

I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO GO TO JAIL.

HUH?

I'LL MISS YOU, TOO, BUT WE'RE FUCKED.

THAT HERB GUY IS SLICKER THAN BOTH OF US.

[SNARLING]

OH, HELLO AGAIN, LITTLE ANIMAL.

WHAT GOOD TIDINGS DO YOU BRING ME NOW?

[SNARLS]

OH, MY!

LET'S NOT BE HASTY.

I MAY HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT,

OR SHOULD I SAY, SOMETHING YOU NEED.

THAT'S RIGHT, ANGUS.

THESE ARE THE BEST DRUGS IN THE WORLD

AND I GET ALL THE GOOD SHIT FROM GOVERNMENT BUSTS.

[GROWLS, CHUCKLES]

NOT SO FAST!

YOU WANT SOME, ALL YOU GOTTA DO

IS PUT YOUR PAWPRINT ON THIS DOCUMENT.

COME ON, SELL YOUR FRIEND OUT

AND THESE DRUGS ARE YOURS.

OH, YOU'RE PLAYING HARDBALL.

MAYBE THIS WILL HELP MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

[GROWLS]

[SNARLING]

Man: I'M GLAD I CAUGHT YOU, FEDERAL AGENT ANGUS.

THIS IS THE PRESIDENT.

WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM ON THE MOON

AND YOU ARE THE ONLY BACKSTABBING SNITCH

WHO CAN HANDLE IT.

YOU'RE THE REAL SUPERHERO, FEDERAL AGENT ANGUS.

I'M JUST AN IDIOT WITH A CAPE.

FEDERAL AGENT ANGUS,

YOU SNITCHED ON FLUM, OUR SUPREME LEADER.

THE BEINGS OF SLURN HAVE SENT ME TO DESTROY YOU

AND THEN YOUR STUPID PLANET EARTH.

[SNARLING]

IT DOES NOT MATTER THAT FLUM WAS GUILTY--

YOU STILL SOLD HIM OUT, AND THAT'S NOT COOL.

NOW I WILL CRUSH YOU WITH THIS GIANT ROCK.

AAAH! MY ZURKZEES!

FEDERAL AGENT ANGUS, I'D ASK YOU TO SPARE MY LIFE,

BUT EVERYONE KNOWS YOU SENT YOUR BEST FRIEND

CLAY ZEEMAN TO JAIL.

WE'RE BARELY ACQUAINTANCES, BUT YOU LOVED CLAY ZEEMAN.

[CHOKED UP SNARLS]

[SNARLING]

SO, DO WE HAVE A DEAL?

[SNARLING]

NICE.

WATCH HOW A PROFESSIONAL SALESMAN

HANDLES A TOUGH SELL.

THIS IS WORSE THAN A TOUGH SELL,

IT'S JUST WRONG!

WE'RE LYING TO PEOPLE.

THERE ARE 2 VERY IMPORTANT LESSONS HERE.

[CLEARS THROAT] ONE, I'M THE FUCKING BOSS NOW.

AND TWO, IF YOU'RE DOING A SCAM,

IT'S NOT WRONG IF YOU FIND SOMEONE

WHO DESERVES TO BE TAKEN.

NOW, WATCH AND LEARN.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Y'ELLO?

[DEEPENS VOICE] AHEM, HELLO.

MY NAME IS BILL PETERSON.

SHUT UP. WHERE DID YOU SEE THE AD?

WAS IT IN THE BILLBOARD, THE RADIO ADS, OR WORD OF MOUTH?

UM, UH...

UH, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

WELL, HERE GOES--

YOU GOT VD, BUB. FROM ME.

ARE YOU THE GUY FROM THE CAR WASH?

WELL, YES, I WAS,

AND I THINK I COULD HELP YOU

WITH YOUR LITTLE PROBLEM.

IT'S ALREADY HELPING ME WITH MINE.

YEAH, RIGHT.

I WAS SKEPTICAL

YEAH, RIGHT.

I WAS SKEPTICAL

JUST LIKE YOU, UNTIL I BOUGHT

SOME ANCIENT TIBETAN HEALING ROCKS.

THEY CLEANED ME RIGHT UP.

YOU DON'T SAY.

YEAH. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT I WORRY ABOUT ALL THE MILLIONS OF DISEASES

THAT ARE OUT THERE JUST WAITING TO ATTACK ME,

ESPECIALLY THE OLDER I GET.

I KNOW! AND THEY COME UP WITH NEW DISEASES EVERY DAY!

EVERY DAY.

I WAS REAL WORRIED,

BUT MY HEALING ROCKS REALLY DID THE TRICK.

I'M DISEASE-FREE!

I HAVE TO GET MY HANDS ON THOSE ROCKS!

AND YOU CAN, FOR THE BARGAIN-BASEMENT PRICE

OF $100 A ROCK.

WELL, YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE ON YOUR HEALTH!

I'LL TAKE 'EM!

THANK YOU, MAMA--

OOPS! I MEAN, MRS. JENKINS.

[GRUNTING]

HEY, KNOCK IT OFF, YOU TWO.

HERB, LOOK WHAT'S COMING TO VIDEO THIS CHRISTMAS.

AND I GET ALL THE GOOD SHIT FROM GOVERNMENT BUSTS.

AND I GET ALL THE GOOD SHIT FROM GOVERNMENT BUSTS.

AND I GET ALL THE GOOD SHIT FROM GOVERNMENT BUSTS.

EAT BOUGHS OF HOLLY, YOU BASTARDS!

NICE.

HERE'S TO A CRACK SALESMAN

AND HIS UNDERLINGS.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS STANDING AROUND FOR?

THESE ROCKS AREN'T GONNA DELIVER THEMSELVES.

NOW LOAD 'EM UP WHILE I DO SOME PAPERWORK.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS, OMAR.

THIS SEEMS REALLY DISHONEST.

THE BAG IS WORTH MORE THAN THE ROCKS.

JOHNNY, DIDN'T YOU LEARN ANYTHING TODAY?

YOUR DAD IS THE BOSS.

SO YOU'RE OK WITH ALL THIS?

SURE! WITH THESE ROCKS

YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S NOT GONNA WORRY

ABOUT BEING SICK ALL THE TIME.

ALL HYPOCHONDRIACS COULD USE A ROCK LIKE THIS.

AND DIDN'T CLAY SAY

YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE ON PEACE OF MIND?

Both: 'CAUSE IT'S INVISIBLE!

I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY, OMAR.

I GUESS MY DAD'S HEART REALLY IS IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

OWW!

OWW!

YOU GUYS TRYING TO STEAL MY MAGIC ROCKS?

HELLO,

IS THIS THE COUNTRY OF CHINA? UH-HUH.

WELL, I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.

HANG ON, I HAVE ANOTHER CALL.

UH, YES, DOCTOR?

WHAT? WRONG SCHMEAR?

WAIT A MINUTE, SO YOU'RE TELLING ME

I'M--I'M TOTALLY CLEAN?

[GASPS] OH, WHAT A RELIEF.

GOD, YOU'RE A SHITTY DOCTOR,

AND I'M GLAD I SCHTUPPED YOUR HUSBAND.

YAHOO!

[SIGHS] THANK GOD I'M OK.

OH, IT'S BEEN A STRESSFUL DAY.

I COULD REALLY USE A GOOD POUNDING.

Johnny: HI, GRANDMA. WE'RE HOME!

YEAH, WE RAN INTO A DELIVERY MONK ON THE FRONT LAWN

WITH THIS SPECIAL DELIVERY FOR YOU.

MAMA, DID YOU BUY SOMETHING TODAY?

YEAH, THIS, UH, SHADY CAR WASH GUY

WANTED TO SELL ME SOME HEALING ROCKS OVER THE PHONE,

SO I GAVE HIM YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

WHY'D YOU USE MY CREDIT CARD?

I'M NOT GIVING OUT MY FINANCIAL INFORMATION

TO SOME JACKASS I HAD SEX WITH ONCE

AND I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER.

WHERE DO YOU WANT YOUR ROCKS, BOSS?

SHOVE 'EM UP YOUR ASS.

I'M NOT DOING THAT.

LET'S GO PUT THEM OUT FRONT WITH THE OTHER ROCKS.

THEY'D LOOK PRETTY AROUND THE TREE.

THEY SURE WOULD, JOHNNY.

THEY SURE WOULD.

WELL, ANGUS, WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED TODAY?

FOR ONE THING,

WE LEARNED THAT A GUY IN A WHEELCHAIR

CAN BE AS BIG A PRICK AS ANYBODY ELSE.

ANOTHER VALUABLE LESSON

WE CAN TAKE AWAY FROM THIS EXPERIENCE

IS THAT BEING DECKED WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY

ISN'T AS FESTIVE AS IT SOUNDS.

UH-HUH.

[GARBLES]

AND LASTLY, AND MAYBE MOST IMPORTANTLY,

SOMETIMES YOU'VE GOT TO GET OFF THE COUCH

SO YOU CAN STAY ON THE COUCH.

THAT'S PRETTY FUCKING DEEP.

HMM...

THANK GOD I'M RICH AGAIN.

LET'S GO GET SOME HOOKERS AND COCAINE.

I PUT A MAGIC BEAN UNDER EACH ROCK FOR GOOD LUCK.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL HAPPEN?

IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,

I THINK LITTLE FAIRIES WILL HATCH OUT OF EVERY BEAN.

DON'T QUOTE ME ON THAT, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE.

HEY, ONE OF THOSE ROCKS IS MOVING!

IT'S THE FAIRY!

AAAH! AAAAH!

OH, MY GOSH.

I FORGOT THAT I SOLD THAT ROCK

AND MAILED IT TO SOME POOR UNFORTUNATE SOUL.

YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE, GLUGGIE.

NO ONE HITS MY SPOTS LIKE YOU DO. MMM.

[SLURPING AND SLOBBERING]

Man: DELIVERY FOR MR. GLUG GLUG.

[HORRIFIC SCREAM]

[GLUG GLUG GROWLING]

IT'S ONE OF THOSE TIBETAN HEALING ROCKS.

[GROWLING AND SLURPING]

[BRITISH ACCENT] WHY, YES, SYLVIA, I BELIEVE IT IS.

NOW, HOW ABOUT ANOTHER GAME OF HIDE AND SEEK

WITH THE BALD ARCHBISHOP?

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